Lilith1

Female Dominant, 42

Female Dominant, 40

Female Dominant, 23

So, I go from strength to strength. My happiness grows, especially since I have found the one. I had dismissed the idea this was even possible after my earlier experiences and I was learning to appreciate what I had. It's all very exciting a feels just wonderful. I have an excellent stock of support around me and I'm in a position where I flourish.  Interestingly enough I have made some very valuable connections. Who knew that sharing a common longing could result in the type of networking that could advance other areas. Maybe being so selective has paid off or maybe I have just been lucky enough to connect with some very exceptional people. I am beaming.  'Smile always, it makes people wonder what you're up to'

The underlying sadness has returned. I can be distracted for a while but it always returns. I don't think anyone can every be prepared for the loneliness that emerges from the loss of someone so important. I have learned to embrace it. It's not very pleasant and it makes my heart ache but it makes me aware of the vulnerabilities I have. Despite these pangs I have reached a point of happiness. My life is exactly where I have aspired to be, leaving me free to look further. I have people around me that compliment my situation perfectly.  I sense he is disjointed at the moment. I'd always felt a great connection. He won't share this with me, I wish he would. We started out as such great friends he would always have my support and the benefit of a listening ear and a shoulder if needed. Settling is never a good thing.

Contentment. My aspirations are high and ever changing. As one would expect really, when there is so much opportunity. Some people have a different kind of aspiration and are more about self indulgence than self growth. I think I have passed through all the stages of grief now. To vilify someone who has hurt you is easy at the start because it seems that they did it out of sadism. And because you are hurting and the sting of any pain is never really that nice when prolonged. I don't think I could have imagined being in a position where I could have contact with such a person as I described but I have found it enlightening. It is okay to not be suited and I now take great comfort that there is another. I'm happy that there is such a person to meet all his needs, far better than I ever could. I don't mind admitting that, I don't see it as a failing. I now see it as a strength. I was disatisfied at fitting to someone else's mundane routine of such a simple existence, it wasn't enough. I dreamed of so much more and it consumed me at times. Someone else slotted in much more easily. I want to be challenged, I want to have intelligent conversation and discuss art and literature and I want to be able to blend with peers without the worry of embarrassment. I became exhausted at the realisation that it would be difficult to keep him happy and I wasn't prepared to compromise my own expectations for that. The most difficult thing that kept me stagnant was that I felt maybe I was wrong. Maybe these glaringly obvious facts were not real at all. I don't like to settle and thankfully I haven't. Instead I have moved from a potentially underwhelming experience to one in which I can indulge from time to time without impacting the wider environment.

Don't leave someone waiting when they are making an effort.....effort should always be respected. People only invest their time for something important to them. It is possible that a connection can remain despite lots of turbulence and disruption. These connections should be fortified and appreciated. Strong bonds are not easily made or broken.......chemistry is chemistry. A connection to your soul could be the only true friend you have in this world. You should hold on to that.

Burying ones head in the sand never really works. Ignoring issues doesn't make them go away. Some people hold their cards close to their chest, they don't play them unless they need to. Sometimes you just have to check to make sure you are doing the right thing. Some people like to be sure and this can mean being in limbo for a long time. Imagine that your fate is not in your own hands but merely with another person and all they need to decide is one little piece of evidence that they don't really know you at all and you are indeed a monster. You could force their hand......with devastating effects.

A long time coming..... To see the true colours of a chameleon is satisfying, a slight brush with danger but also comforting in a very familiar way. To really know someone from the core outwards. To understand. Amused slightly. Playing the game is exhausting. For those with a sense of normality it is impossible to to make sense of it. I don't need to make sense of it, I just need to be able to look and really see. There are tells. There are patterns. There is no escape.

To stand in the face of danger is to be brave? Or to tempt fate? A predicament. Do I follow my heart and trust because to do so would be to embrace a complement or do I run and take cover because this faceless monster knows his game? The only way to truly trust is to have total honesty and the need to be on top suppresses his humanity. Am I sane or am I crazy?

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient , love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez 'If for a moment God would forget that I am a rag doll and give me a scrap of life, possibly I would not say everything that I think, but I would definitely think everything that I say. I would value things not for how much they are worth but rather for what they mean. I would sleep little, dream more. I know that for each minute that we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light. I would walk when the others loiter; I would awaken when the others sleep. I would listen when the others speak, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream. If God would bestow on me a scrap of life, I would dress simply, I would throw myself flat under the sun, exposing not only my body but also my soul. My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hatred on ice and wait for the sun to come out. With a dream of Van Gogh I would paint on the stars a poem by Benedetti, and a song by Serrat would be my serenade to the moon. With my tears I would water the roses, to feel the pain of their thorns and the incarnated kiss of their petals...My God, if I only had a scrap of life... I wouldn't let a single day go by without saying to people I love, that I love them. I would convince each woman or man that they are my favourites and I would live in love with love. I would prove to the men how mistaken they are in thinking that they no longer fall in love when they grow old--not knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love. To a child I would give wings, but I would let him learn how to fly by himself. To the old I would teach that death comes not with old age but with forgetting. I have learned so much from you men.... I have learned that everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain without realizing that true happiness lies in the way we climb the slope. I have learned that when a newborn first squeezes his father's finger in his tiny fist, he has caught him forever. I have learned that a man only has the right to look down on another man when it is to help him to stand up. I have learned so many things from you, but in the end most of it will be no use because when they put me inside that suitcase, unfortunately I will be dying.'

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