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ever feel like ...if it weren't for bad luck..you would have no luck at all?"...dang |
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whew what a day....very very busy at work and now i am exhausted..but have had some really good conversations and must say i am feeling so much better...even though it was rainy and yucky outside...i had a sunshiney day |
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well my eyes are starting to open wider...if i am being honest with myself i believe i was a just a play thing...i feel i was set up to get very emotionally attached just to be used and played with in the end...but its all good...i have come to terms with it..accepted it and ready to just move on...its not like i haven't had or don't have others interested in me...just before i didn't pay them much mind because i was hopeful things were going to work out...so...leaving options open now and moving on...i want to say it was good while it lasted...but this past month has been torture for me...but today is a new day...no..i am not "looking" for another Dom...not even sure i want that now...i think now i am just looking to have some good times... |
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this rollercoaster ride is starting to make me very queezy...here i am trying to fix things and seems all i did was mess it up worse...thinking i was hoping for so much more than what is realistic...sigh |
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well, so far today has just been a good day...woke this morning to a message from you...what a great way to start the day...then got to spend a little time with you and it made me feel real good...this afternoon was a little more strenuous..mowed the grass ugh..then came back inside to cool off ended up taking a nap...made a quick dinner edited some profile pics and took a long walk...what a good day |
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was a very busy evening....finally youngest has graduated...woohoo...everyone in our family went out for pizza afterwards was really nice...
however the rest of my day was very very disappointing....to not get any responses...well, hurt and confusion all over again.... |
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i am so glad we talked last night...i feel some things were cleared up but i still feel i needed you to say more ....was hoping to have a little time today because my evening i know is going to be very busy....nothing else much to tell about today i woke...said good morning to you...played a game of spades..read thru some messages...made breakfast...took a nap and here i am again...tonight is approaching fast...last one..done with school..well high school anyway...woo hoo... |
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nothing interesting about today...well, thats not necessarily true i guess...i did go to my grandsons pre school graduation...although i don't understand the graduation thing for 4 and 5 year olds...but anyway i went and it wasn't so bad...then both my grandsons wanted to come to my house..so naturally i said ok...so came home and took them for a walk and they had bubbles..was cute they were blowing their bubbles while walking...the youngest one is a stinker..every puddle he would exclaim " oh a mud puddle!!"..and he would jump right in and laugh...he is 3...came home and the boys went outside with grandpa and tossed the frisbee around..while i did up a few dishes and made dinner....their mother finally came and got them about an hour ago..whew..thankful for that..lol...the youngest one wears me totally out!! lol..always jumping on my bed scaring the crap outta me...so...that was pretty much my day...was happy for the short time i got to speak with you although nothing much was said...thinking there is way too much distance..friendly but distant...am i suppose to be taking this as a hint...letting go of me slowly? still so confused... |
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well, today didn't quite go as i had hoped...not sure what to think about that....i did however have a pretty relaxing day..played some spades...took a nap...went for a walk with my dog before i made dinner...after dinner went on another walk without the dog ,...he drives me crazy on walks..stops at every tree, bush post, mailbox..sigh...T ask me tonight so whats up with D ? i tried to answer the best i could...without having answers myself.... |
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ok, so i have reread what i wrote....and i reread many other entries also....i think they say alot...so, one step at a time is good for me...
so about my day...finally home from work and have the next few off...thank goodness..i have needed some time off for a long time now...so much i want to accomplish this week...tomorrow i hope to just have a relaxing day and enjoy hopefully some "time" with you.... |
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well, its been awhile since i have been here...just haven't been "feelin" it....
i think it is time to just put the past in the past and move on....only this time....i hope to remember the lessons i've learned and work on my patience....we'll see how it goes.... |
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well getting ready for work...going thru another day of the unknown....why do i have to have these feelings...makes me mad at myself....one day he speaks...one day he doesn't....sigh....well just hope to get thru today without added heartache... |
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dang, now i am put in an awkward position...i am very confused and torn...don't know how i am going to handle this ....sigh |
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today went much better....i focused more on the pissed off side of my emotions...(the hurt peeked in too but i just kept telling myself...do not give someone the satisfaction that they had the ability to "fuck up your mind"...)...i know in my heart i did nothing wrong..i was loyal, and honest always...my fault i guess was i was too trusting too soon....
lesson learned! |
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well i made it thru today, just as i know i will make it thru tomorrow..but it will not change the fact that i have so many emotions going on right now...i am hurt and i am pissed off...how do u give your heart to someone and trust in someone and then without warning they decide they are done with you...the person i thought i knew would never have ended things this way, the person i knew would have just been man enough to tell me he had changed his mind and parted as friends...the hurt side of me ..my stomach won't quit turnin and i can't think of anything else |
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well i guess i got my answer today...sort of...he said we are done and he has released me...with no explanation...i am so hurt and so confused...
yes i can and will move on but this hurt is going to last awhile..especially since i have no idea what i have done to displease him |
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well today will be the day i think.....if i hear nothing....well....hmmmmm |
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not sure i will have time to make entry later today...so...
gonna be busy gotta leave for work early and get my nails done...
i am back on the 4 to 12 shift |
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you know...i was just reading thru some profiles...(yes i am bored) ..anyway reading thru some profiles...and wondering if people proofread before they post them? because those that go on about how intelligent they are...but then i don't read intelligence in their profile...if that makes any sense..lol..maybe that only makes sense to me right now..i don't know..just an observation |
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ok , so today gets two entries..kind of a busy day...worked this morning till 4 this afternoon..then went to my brothers for a cookout for mothers day...my youngest was there..but my oldest had to work but he did stop by and his g/f came and brought me a card...my middle son..sigh...i finally texted him and gave him crap for not calling or coming to see me...said he believes he has pink eye..ok whatever...anyway...its all good...finally home ready to put my feet up and relax....and keep hoping i hear something soon.... |
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ok...because u asked me to i will continue to write here...the thoughts going thru my head each day go back and forth from worry to total frustration...i pray that you and your loved ones are alright...
its early this morning and i have to get ready for work soon....and pray one more day that today is the day i hear from you.... |
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how does it feel...i'm lost without you... |
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i am thinking today will be my last journal entry until i hear from you...this is killing me... |
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its getting tougher every day....i realize this is serious and hope to hear something soon
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too many thoughts to jot them all down here....trying not to worry and be patient....getting tough.... |
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i am missing my Master...starting to worry and hope that all is well.... |
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last night was not a typical saturday night at work...we were actually pretty busy all night which is probably a good thing because it gave me something to do and keep my mind busy...otherwise i would have dwelled on the fact that i would of rather been with you...tired this morning didn't get but about an hours sleep yesterday before i went in to work...gonna get to bed hope to hear from you very soon |
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well today flew by...was at ball games all afternoon till early evening..ugh...gotta be at work at 11 so need to be gettin some sleep...i have played yesterday over in my mind all day...because we haven't talked really since its hard for me to know what u are thinking...but i can only hope that it meant as much to you as it meant to me....looking in your eyes...seeing your smile...it was like i was in a whole other world...one i want to go back to...cannot wait to talk to you hope your weekend is going well |
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today was so great...short but great..smiling...my heart was beating so fast i am not sure if u could tell that or not...i was practically shaking...it was like i was in "another world"...a totally pleasurable afternoon today...i only can hope it meant the same to you...goodness just thinking about this again i am getting excited and it makes me want to see you so bad...i actually ache for you... |
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it seems i have much to make up for ...i know my entries have been short lately....
the time we spent together tonight meant alot to me and i enjoyed every second...
it seems every day my feelings for you grow stronger and my desire to please u and be with you is always on my mind..i cannot wait for tomorrow my need for you is so strong ...i only can hope that i please u as much as u please me...more actually..sometimes it is very hard to concentrate on anything else...i hope that we continue to grow together...forever...
it is time for bed...need to get my rest..i do not want to come to u tired...thats if i can actually get to sleep..smiling...mmmmm oh the anticipation... |
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don't seem to have alot of time to write here....but last night gave me alot to think about..and anticipate...cannot wait till tomorrow...mmmmmm |
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well last night was a much better night at work..i got alot accomplished, which is a good thing...i did miss however talking with u thru the first half of my night...but all is good, i understand my Master needs rest..smiling...anticipating the next time i see you...hoping its just around the corner...it seems like its been forever ...well this evening for me nothing going on..hope to hear from you..i need you |
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had a crappy night....was hoping to hear from you which i did not....sigh...then work was awful..i need sleep |
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so glad your home...and happy that the weekend went well...thought about you all night and sorry i woke u but i have missed you and O/our time together...i am a bit tired this morning gonna get to bed...looking forward to hearing from you |
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was a long boring nite at work...glad to be home...don't really feel like i have much to write about this morning...hope things are well with u and can't wait to hear from u...i miss my Master |
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well, i went to my sons bar last night for a couple of drinks..goodness were they STRONG ones...i got really messed up...and this morning i remembered why i don't drink...hate how i feel in the morning...also i think i may have said some things that perhaps sober i wouldn't have said....i was thinking about u so much and was hoping all was well so when u messaged me back i got excited...then poof u were gone again...this morning i felt a little coldness in our short conversation..but am hoping things r just busy for u...well its 7 and i gotta be at work tonight at 11 so i need to get some rest...hope to hear from u very soon... |
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i know its early for an entry...but i am inspired...thank You for tonight i have needed that...and thank You for understanding that means alot....i will sleep very well tonight...Your ggs is very happy tonight....
goodnight Master.... |
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well finally off work for a couple days...much needed...am kinda tired this morning and have things to do this afternoon so i need to be getting to bed soon but am afraid i may not get a chance to write later so i am doing so now....
i would have to say this has not been such a great week and hopefully today will be good...i am in a bit of a "mood" right now and am thinking about what You said you wanted me to think about...and i think in a strange way...maybe i am desiring it...and not just because it will please my Master...am hoping there is internet access this weekend.....
am thinking about You....hoping to hear from You soon...last night once again just kinda felt not right...lol...i actually got some extra work done....
there is something i am wondering...don't really want to ask until i am actually talking to you...so if my Master would be so kind to remind me that i wish to ask something....
i need to lay down...night |
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i am so sorry....and i will try to be a better ggs....i need you...i want you....i miss you |
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not much feeling like writing this morning...too many thoughts and i need to get them in order.....perhaps i will edit and add more later...i'm going to bed |
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after a long day of worrying...the night turned out well...so good to hear your voice ...then this morning..sigh..so nice...learning more everyday about alot of things and funny how some things i've never noticed or knew...until You came in to my life...thank You Master...need sleep now..been a long day
just want to add...i was looking at "who's viewing me"...and there was one i decided to look at...it was another female submissive..now i didn't look because i "wanted" her..i looked out of curiosity because she looked at mine...and my goodness she messaged me yelling at me that she wasn't looking for women...so i am thinking why the hell is she yelling at me when she viewed my profile first? i just don't get it...i wanted to be so rude....but...i wasn't |
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well here i am in to the next day and feeling worse ...just want to know if all is ok...i am going crazy...i just feel something has to be terribly wrong that i haven't heard from you..going over the last conversation and missing u terribly ...ok..thank goodness...i am relieved to hear from u...sorry about the circumstances i know how this feels been thru it myself...hopefully all is good and i get to spend time with u again...i know thats selfish..i'm sorry seems today i keep editing and adding here in my journal...was totally relieved to hear from you..but u felt distant...then i shared with u what someone was saying and get accused of being clingy and jealous..wow..so now i am to think about what i want..i know what i want and it hasn't changed..my feelings do not go off and on that ..but i admit things aren't feeling quite right..i need You
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today hasn't turned out as planned....after a good nite...today just doesn't feel right...i am hoping everything is ok...i am concerned...i know u are ok because i got your message..but, i am still worried and hope all is ok...i don't want to feel selfish and be feeling so disappointed but i am...very disappointed but i know there is a good reason and i hope i hear from you soon....
last night was tough...i didn't get much sleep at all had so many different thoughts running through my head..now today all i can do is think about you and the way the day has gone ..not one of O/our better days...can't wait to hear something...xxxooxxx |
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i had a very complicated night...was alot of emotions going thru me and ones that i am now not so proud of but you brought me right back to reality and taught a lesson at the same time and i am so thankful ...when i say thank you i truely mean it for EVERYTHING...i am so anxious to see you again..gives me butterflies... |
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another night of lessons in patience and trust...my Master must know there is no one that wishes to please him more than i do ..last night and in to this morning i discovered and was surprised at how you can have me going from one emotion to another so quickly and then bring me right back to ectasy so fast...its got to be heaven...only heaven can make someone smile so much |
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the time we spent together last night was so great...everyday we are learning so much more about each other and i want this more and more every day...you keep me anticipating what is next..your promise of what is to come keeps me excited. trying hard to learn to express myself which is not something i have ever been real good at but i know with your guidance i will get better at that...
i cannot wait till i see u again and so excited for what you have planned it is all i think about..i treasure every minute we spend together and keep praying it never comes to an end....picturing myself in that "special" place thats just for me...
well i need to finish up here and try to get some rest before work....
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sometimes i just have the urge to shout from the rooftops and tell the world that i have the most wonderful Master...my heart has been beating so fast since i first met you and i feel so good. its almost like if i am not talking to you or seeing you...then i want to sleep and dream of you....i didn't think at my age i could feel like such a schoolgirl again...thank you Master.
last night i was so worried that i had disappointed you...but once again u assured me i had not but i still feel a bit uneasy about the situation we were talking about but i have trust in you that all will work out...
this afternoon was alot of fun and i appreciate your allowing it. the anticipation of what is to come just keeps me smiling.
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seems all i do is think about O/our next meeting...i feel like there is so much more to experience and i am anxious to experience everything with You...i can honestly say i never dreamed i would be where i am today life is just full of surprises sometimes..making this a bit short today i have some reading to do and going in to work early tonight... |
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had another good evening last night...a much needed talk at least for me...i was getting in a depressed mood and of course you helped make me feel better...i am not sure if it was realized or not...but when i expressed my feelings about a "posting" u didn't fuss at me for acting jealous but instead made a move that flattered me and made me feel special all over again..smiling...
well after a long night at work and barely any sleep yesterday i am heading to bed for some much needed rest... |
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after a long day of waiting yesterday i finally got to speak with You...but still depressing because was for a very short time...so far today has not been much better only now i do not believe it is so much impatience that i'm dealing with...i am so worried i am going to do something wrong and trying very hard not to...looks like today is going to be a busy day with not alot of sleep but hopefully i will make up the sleep tomorrow... |
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today is starting to get to me....i have thoughts and i'm not sure about how they are making me feel...my patience is working on me....been trying to keep myself busy but my thoughts keep coming back to You.... |
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just can't seem to quit smiling....had a wonderful night and i'm looking forward to many many many more...i am so happy and that is mentally and physically..i can only hope that i am pleasing u half as much as u are pleasing me... |
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goodness i have so much anticipation built up for this evening...my heart keeps pounding...my thighs are wet...so many things going thru my head.
even though yesterday started out bad it ended very nice...very very nice. i hope i never wake from this dream it just keeps getting better and better.
i can't think of anything else...i can't wait to be led down this journey further with you...so glad u found me....i am sure i will have much to write about come tomorrow..smiling |
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started the day good...was on top of the world...then everything felt like it was crashing down....i am hoping all is good now...but i am still concerned... |
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each day is bringing something new...and i still want more...it has come to my attention that not all new things will make me feel good though..but i know being a ggs i will not have to endure a look of disappointment or displeasure very often..or hopefully never..wed and thur i hope will come quickly. if i am dreaming i hope its a very long dream. i keep asking myself...how did i get so lucky?
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after a restless nights sleep..or short nap rather i was awakened by what i needed that would have helped me sleep much better.
today i learned that a reward comes in many ways..smiling...funny thing is i wasn't looking to be rewarded but somehow it seemed to be just what i needed or wanted without realizing i wanted it...i am still working on my impatience because sometimes i know i am not very patient...every nite i go to bed anticipating the next day...what a good feeling |
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was a trying day today...started the day a little disappointed but by the time work was almost over my disappointment faded...i will sleep well tonight smiling...i also discovered today that something i thought would be impossible...just may be possible after all. i think i have begun a wonderful journey and i truely didn't think i was ever going to get to experience it...looking forward to tomorrow... |
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i am thinking the next few days are going to drag on....seems that is the way it happens..u want time to hurry..it goes slow....just hope the following ones aren't as "quiet" as this one has been... |
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oh what a great week of discovery...seems i have stumbled upon something very promising.
funny how u have intentions on going slow and feeling like u have no control to how fast u are actually going...its like one day all the sudden so many things changed. These are very good changes though and i am very happy.  |
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well today turned out to be a pretty good day i think...finally getting to have a couple days off work, and thank goodness because they are much needed...
well the start of the new year hasn't been too bad so far...i just hope it continues to get better |
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