LacriValkyrie

Male Submissive, 46, shreveporty, Louisiana

Male Dominant, 62, columbus, Ohio

Female Submissive, 23, Near Chicago, Illinois

I'm currently listening to Sleepthief-Sublunar at the moment. And how am I feeling, you ask? Horrible. There was a fight in the house that escalated to things being thrown around between my husband and our roommate... lots of screaming and yelling. I was already going through an anxiety attack at the time and I lost it. Even now that I'm home alone, the tears haven't stopped coursing down my face. I can't handle much of anything anymore.. I feel so crippled by what I go through on a daily basis. I got so scared earlier.. but thus is living with someone you love who has medical and mental instability. I think if my Mother were to see what was going on... I'd rather no finish that. My heart is very heavy right now, and I hurt. I hurt so much but there isn't a way for me to get it out yet. I feel like I'm binded, or being binded, and that everything is gradually getting tighter, and tighter. However, it's not in a good way. It's in a way that a rabbit feels cornered by a fox before it goes in for the kill. It's a knowing that time seems to be put against you, and that no matter how hard you fight, you WON'T win. That is what's getting to me know. I'm trying has hard as I can, walking on eggshells over here, to make sure that everything is alright. To make sure I don't even set one toe out of line because I don't want another repeat of what happened today. I can hardly eat right now.. I do it because I know I need to, but I can't feel hunger anymore. I can't really feel much of anything other than it feels like my heart is about to shatter. Not because I'm not given attention to. My husband... he's great to me. He means the world to me and tries to help me the best way he can, but from the stresses of everything. The stresses from living in my own home and feeling unsafe. My husband, he snapped today. I love him to death, but he is both epileptic and a schizophrenic. That alone makes everything that I have to do that much harder. But I'm so tired. I just want to sleep the days away now. I don't really care about much at this moment. I do what I need to in order for things on my end to run smoothly, but at this exact moment? I just don't care. One thing that I've always been particular about is my personal health and cleanliness. Right now however? I'm not taking care of myself the way I used to. It's hard for me to do normal daily tasks. I just want the tension to leave the house and for everything to return to the way it was before.. with just my husband and I. To where I'm not woken up by doors slamming and someone screaming on the top of their lungs and cursing at us when we had just finally fallen asleep. To where I feel safe in my own home and in the arms of my husband like I used to. The dream I did have when I had fallen asleep... I watched my mother die again. I lost her when I was fourteen years old, and it still leaves a huge hole in my heart right now. Granted, a lot of things that she did to me were not what were supposed to be done.. she was still my mother and I both love and miss her. I miss her with my entire heart, but it's really hard to have the memory of the day she died replay in my dreams over and over again. I was to late to say goodbye. My brother and sister kept me from saying goodbye to my mom, or even seeing her when she was in the ICU. The fighting today brought that back to the forefront of things, when I've tried to push it away, and it doesn't help that I've never been one to handle fights well. It reminds me to much of my past and what I was put through. The chair went flying across the room, and I saw a vision of a metal pole coming across my head and shoulders again like it happened when I was eight years old... it sparks things like that in me, and I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to face all of these things BECAUSE they hold me down so much. Because of how much they hurt me and how I'm tired of hurting. How do I do that in a place where I'm uncomfortable? When I'm not working, I'm sitting in front of this damn computer all day with my headphones on and ignoring everyone. It's just... I don't know if I can explain it, but I'm just so tired... Hopefully my husband will kick the roommate out soon. He's been holding me back from doing it, saying he is going to handle it, but I'm not sure if he is. They're home now, and I'm no longer alone enough to type. Until... the next time I guess.

If only I could really put into words exactly what it is that I'm feeling at this moment... that would be a grand thing. The simple fact of the matter is is that I'm too overwhelmed with what is going on in my life to really be able to handle things properly. I am a proper woman grown. I've been taking care of myself since I was a child.. the first time my mother and father left me alone for well over a day in my own house. Needless to say, even though I grew up at such a young age, there is still a lot on my plate that I am currently dealing with. Mentally, I'm not really to stable. Things in life have lead me to become bipolar. I'm not afraid to admit that, but what scares me the most is the amount of anxiety attacks I have. They are so... mind numbing, that I can't really do much of anything. It becomes hard to breathe, to function because I feel like the whole of the world is collapsing on me. It gets to the point that I'm nothing more than a mess on my couch, crying uncontrollably because I'm terrified that my racing heart will just stop, or that my breathing will catch and that will be my last. It's crippling to me. The sad thing is... it happens about three times on a weekly basis, if not more than that. There are a lot of internal demons that I'm in process of facing right now, and though I'm trying to find my footing in this Lifestyle and deal with everything, at the rate I'm going? I feel strongly that I'm headed in the right direction. I work. I work honestly and I enjoy the work that I do, but the stresses of the at-home-life are building daily. My husband and I have a roommate here that makes it uncomfortable for us, even in our own home. We've got bills that are mounting and weighing heavily on us. There is a constant tension floating in the air and I feel that I'm walking on eggshells most of the time. It's damn near impossible for me to function as a normal human being at this time. The good thing? My job. It is giving me a stability in my mind that I've needed for a while, and it makes me feel good knowing that I'll be able to provide what I can and help out around here even more than what I do already. Sleep is something I often dream I could have more off. My mind... it is a tormented place. I long for sleep, yet dread it. Dread it for the simple fact that the only dreams I have are horrible nightmares. The last one I had, I watched a couple of people burn alive.. and I could smell it. *shudders* The dreams seem so real to me sometimes that I can't distinguish whether they are real or not... and neither can my own body. At times, what is afflicted upon me in my dreams appear upon my flesh. Bruises where I had been stabbed, a bruise where the bullet had pierced my flesh.. I don't understand these things, and frankly I'm terrified. I know what spurred them though. Granted, I've had them all my life, but in my entire life I've done nothing but run. Run away from my problems or the past that is constantly on a chase to catch up with me. And now? It was only about six months ago that I stopped running. I stopped running and turned around because it's time for me to, finally, face everything. To stare them down and face those fears, those memories that haunt me and conquer them. Am I scared? Absolutely. But I need to do this. Not just for those I love, because I know through my actions and how I currently am that I hurt them, but for myself. If I didn't start where I had and when I had... I honestly can't say in what standings I would be today. Now it's time for me to find my place in this world. The Lifestyle has always called to me, from the ripe young age of fourteen.. maybe fifteen, because I feel with it in my life, that it would be a cleansing experience. That it would help me to become a better person and be able to scourge those dreadful things out of my mind, and off of my body. I've met some wonderful people on here. TxSeekers is one of them. She's sweet and very kind to me, and offers what she can to help me along. maydecember are another couple that are wonderful to me. They have helped me understand so much, and for that, I'm thankful for. Maybe in time I will be okay, and maybe in time I'll understand where I fit in and where my place is in this world. Until then? Whose to know? -Lacri

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