KrazyLilKajira

From the 7th January 2012, this account will be no longer active. I am giving my friends on here a few days to make sure they have my new account (KrazyKamila). This will be the final entry in this journal, as I shall be using KrazyKamila, only checking this one throughout this week, until deletion day.

Wishing all on Collarme a happy new year. May 2012 bring you all bright blessings, good health and whatever you seek, may this be the year for it to happen.

Regards.

K

Yesterday, I was asked a simple yet very valuable question, which got me to break down and cry. Perhaps something I am not proud of, as I dislike to lose my emotions, particularly in front of people, mainly males. With this said, it has got me thinking about the future and what I would like to happen in 2012.

I know that this way of living is a major part of who I am and my needs, wants and desires may be many. There is so much to experience, if only I am *brave* enough to make those first steps to achieve. Not only in BDSM but in LIFE.

Q: What do you want?

A: I just want to be loved, is that to much to ask.

To the person who asked me such a simple yet important question, you opened up my eyes (in more ways than one), you made the damn break and the water pour, thank you Sir (you know who you are).

Recently, I have been wondering if I should just give up on people. What is said and what is done are two completely different things, it seems. I have found myself just wanting to crawl back under the rock, which I was found hiding under just over a month ago. I do not wish to keep on guessing what others think or how they feel, why cannot people just be as open as they expect me to be, it is a two way street after all, is it not? I have also been contemplating on giving up on myself, just like everyone else has.

*kicks herself up her own backside* Giving up would just put me in the same place as I once was, which is no good to my health, mind or spirit. A recluse I was, but not anymore, no matter how often I think of hiding, I know it is not an option for me anymore. Why should I care what anyone else thinks? (Perhaps that's the submissive side of me, putting others first, even when they have not asked for it). It's time to take action for ME, wish me luck.

With 2012 in sight, I am finding myself thinking more about things I wish to change as well as those I wish to try for the first time. The changing should be easy (famous last words, I know *gulps*), but the first time things are really making me very nervous. I am not just talking about the kinkiness but also the intellectual, physical and emotional side of *ordinary* living.

On a final note, for now at least... Please do not mention the Olympics *giggles*

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. Special blessings do I pray to those who lost loved ones around this festive time. Let us not mourn but LIVE in their memory, they will be partying in heaven, so why shouldn't we party here, on Earth? May 2012 be the Year of great happenings and kinkiness, of course *grins mischievously*.

Things are getting rather busy in real time with Christmas coming up. All this fuss for one day, it makes one think why we do it *laughs* I'll be so glad when everything is back to normal, whatever that may be.

On a different note, I am learning more about myself, some things I did not even realise before, so it goes to show, even an oldie like me continues to find out new and exciting things *giggles*.

If it was not for my mentor and good friends, who I have made on Collarme, I would still be in the deep rut they found me in, which is never a good thing. Life is getting better each passing day and I feel myself becoming more stronger, the word no is now in my vocabulary, something which I thought I would never hear myself say and it feels so good.

It has only been three weeks or so, since I have been doing small tasks, but others can see a difference in me already, more importantly, I can also see a change in my way of thinking and behaviour (not saying I behaved badly of course *winks*).

2012 is going to be the year where dramatic changes will happen, which makes me wish the new year was here already (yes I know, be patient girl *laughs*). Also Hoping to attend more public play parties, I just need to lose my inhibitions and begin to relax more, not to worry what others may think. About time I began to have fun *grins devilishly* Watch out world, here I come!!

A note to those who do read profiles and especially to those who have been *following* my progress (or venting *chuckles*). You may have noticed a change in my weight. Yes I was 185lbs, but I have lost 9 lbs in the past four weeks, yayyy way to go me *laughs* I would like to thank those for their encouragement, especially to my mentor and close friends (you know who you are), I also hope you find this pleasing and perhaps even proud to know me as a friend, as I hold you  all dearly in my heart.

Unable to sleep so decided to write some food for thought.

After being on CM for almost a month now, I have seen many profiles, Dominant and submissive, who claim to be new to the scene/lifestyle, seeking to explore with a Dom/sub and to learn from one another. This I do encourage, but I would also encourage those who are new to seek out other Dominants/submissives (the same genre as yourself) and perhaps even find a mentor for both *levels* (it is not just submissives who need a mentor). It is all well and good saying that you may be self taught or wish to go down that path, but until you have *tasted* what it is like how does one really know how the other *half* feels?

Being in and out of this lifestyle for over twenty years I have *trained/helped* Dominants as well as other submissives, there is no shame in seeking help but being a submissive and not a Dominant I was/am only able to help Dominants to a certain point. Only another Dominant can help another reach their full potential. The same can be said vice versa. This is only my findings and not all may agree, but perhaps it is something worth thinking/finding out more about? Just a submissives opinion of course.

Time to say a big thank you to all of you who commented in a positive way about my tattoo. A huge thank you must go to tattoomick (his profile here) as he did an amazing job of putting the picture in my mind into a wonderful tattoo (the tiger one). I am now thinking about having another. I wont go to anyone else now, his work is so amazing and he isn't too bad himself *giggles* Highly recommended indeed.

I am beginning to come to the conclusion that words are not enough these days. What ever happened to the *my word is my bond*. It just doesn't seem to hold up anymore, which is saddening, as I know there are still people out there who believe in such a thing. I could also include another cliche *actions speak louder than words* which seem to be more the way these days. Perhaps I am just too old fashioned for my age, or maybe just looking in the wrong places.

Please do not demand my respect for you, respect is earned, along with trust, though I will always be respectful, there is a difference. I do not ask to be respected, I work hard to earn such a privilege.

It saddens me to find people who called themselves a friend, disappear as soon as they see the word *mentor*. I wish all of those good luck and well wishes and I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for and understand your reasons.

On a brighter note, I am beginning to take baby steps with the help of my mentor and the few friends I do have here. Although BDSM is sometimes looked upon as mainly the sexual *play* a D/s or M/s relationship, to me, goes much much deeper, perhaps some cannot understand this, but those who do, will know where I am coming from.

I do not need messages asking if my bits are shaven or not, I do not need the question how big are my breasts. Please, to those who cannot think of anything intelligent, pass me by and stop wasting your time.

I am not seeking a poly relationship, I have been there, done that and got burned.

(vent over, I do apologise)

I have been on here for a short while now and as those who read whole profiles, you will see I have now got a Mentor, he will be involved with some of the decisions as well as being my safe call when I meet people from here. PLEASE NOTE, if you are not willing to share a few personal details (which WILL be shared with my mentor) when I respectfully ask, there will be NO meeting, NO exceptions.

This is for MY safety.

Oh my word, I had THE BEST birthday so far, a good day followed by a wonderful evening. Definitely a day I won't forget in a hurry. Oh why can't it be my birthday every day *chuckles*. Looking forward to next year

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to the one whom surprised me and sent a birthday e-card and to all those who sent their birthday wishes. they were all  warmly received.

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *chuckles*

Feeling slightly better though still not 100% yet. I really hope to be back to normal by the weekend. Last thing I want is to be sick on my birthday lol

Still catching up with messages, so if I haven't replied, I hope you can be patient

For those in contact regularly, please note my replies may be delayed, due to having the dreaded flu, but will reply as soon as possible.

Please note, to save you from attempting to cause drama:

If you have read my profile properly then you should have a good understanding of who and what I am like. IF your message gets deleted without being shown as read, there may be at least one reason for such to be done. 1 - You did not show yourself as having some form of intelligence (messages can be read without it showing up as being read). 2- You do not fall into the age bracket I seek (I am not seeking a grandfather or a son). 3- You do not fall into the kind of person or people I seek. 

To those who call themselves Gorean Lifestylers - Kurrii and sleen do not exist on this earth, so throw me to them as you wish *chuckles*

After conversing with a few people on here, I have found myself begin to think in a slightly different way. Now, does this mean I have changed my mind in what I seek? Oh no, not at all, only enhanced my thoughts and feelings, though also remember to be on the look out of those just wanting a quick how's ya father .

I would love to explore all I can, to see what else I like, to be open and almost limitless, though of course I will never take part in anything illegal . If someone came to me and said they were completely limitless, I would turn and run the other way, there is no such thing as being such, unless you like breaking the law and in that case you should be hung, drawn, quartered and die a horrible death, just my opinion.

Overwhelmed with messages and I haven't even got a *naughty* photo on here, God and Goddess only knows what the messages would be like if I did *chuckles*

How am I ever going to get through them all is beyond me, hopefully people are patient.

Just to set the record straight, I do not accept chat requests on here and I hardly use MSN or Yahoo, so please do not ask. When I feel comfortable enough we can chat on Skype and perhaps even arrange to meet in person.

Yes, I have been trained in the Gorean ways, but I will not claim to be Gorean. I enjoy both Gorean and BDSM aspects, so why should I be limited to just one or the other.