Today was just a bad day. Bad bad day. I have had a sinus headache for over a day now, and although ibuprofen seems to dampen the pain, it is still there. And today was mass chaos at work, perhaps there's a full moon or something, because people were just off the wall. And then there's my diet. I was bad and had two carb heavy dinners, not equally balanced, plus desert, and of course the weight is showing up. I am just frustrated. And then there's my computer being all stupid, my left click button is on crack and works sometimes, and I am tired, and I just wanted to cry cry cry.
And so my Master calls and we chat, and I insist on getting off the phone. But then as soon as we hang up I call him back. And I tear up, and he can hear the frustration, and he takes charge. Anal training for me usually consists of wearing a teeny tiny butt plug, which acts as a focal point. And M had me put it in, and talked me to a release, and helped me channel that energy that was draggin me down out through an orgasm. Out, out, out. The headache is far better, just there a little, and most importantly the frustration is gone. Me getting overwhelmed, too frustrated, upset, is when things go downhill for me fast, sometimes snowballing out of control.
So thank you M. Thank you...

I miss so many things about who I used to be. The girl I used to be. Not necessarily more carefree, but more outgoing, more willing to try new and different things, more willing and eager to actually LIVE and life and not just read about it in book and watch movies about it in TV. That girl followed her heart without any shame, and learned important lessons along the way. But in the midst of truly living, the rug was pulled out from underneath me, and my entire worldview shifted. Everything changed. I changed. I reigned myself in to the point of spiritual suffocation and just was, for such a long time. For over 10 years. Had a few relationships here and there, but I never really invested myself in it, never really bared myself emotionally. I occasionally surfaced, just briefly, to pursue and do things that I wanted to do, to live as much as I could allow myself to, as I felt safe. But that was just something brief, something to keep me going. Life support. It wasn't truly living, truly opening myself up and taking risks. It changed a year ago. For the better.
The past year has been both wonderful and difficult. Difficult to start to live again. Wonderful to remember that life is worth living and doing. And part of this is the whole community that I'm a part of. But it is still very new. I haven't ventured out as much as I might have at one time. And sometimes erring on the side of caution is good and sometimes its bad. And sometimes it's just confusing. A Big ol mess.
I am my own worst enemy. And last night I one again proved that point, by misinterpreting something, and then letting some of my fears take hold. And I wanted to run. To leave my relationship, to go back under, and to not surface again. To not take the risk. So scared of heartache. So scared of being denied. So scared of not being accepted for me. So scared that the things I think, but never voice are true.
And I broke. Kinda. I called my M and cried. Cried because my heart is so afraid of being broken again, of not surviving being broken, that I almost just plunged the knife in without thinking twice. I misinterpreted words, thought that maybe I should do something because of what others might see, that I don't, in my relationship and call it quits. I called my M and cried. Cried for something he may not ever do. Cried because the fear of not being his was too painful. Cried because I thought that if someone else didn't see us as being able to move forward, then it was impossible. Not logical at all, I know. But my heart is so big on the jump first, look later kinda attitude. I guess part of the me I was 15 years ago is still there.
And my M grounded me. He talked me through my mantra. He was calm and supportive, even though I woke him up. (It wasn't late, mind you, but those of you who know my M know what a big deal it is to wake him up). He talked me down. He order me to be plugged. Which is really sometimes not so much of a sexual device of sorts, but moreso an extension of his dominance. And I was plugged. And we talked. And I said my mantra. And I focused on obeying, and belonging. And he gave me an orgasm that made my heart hurt but in a good way.
And I was plugged at work today. The plug grounds me. like my M grounds me. It is a touchstone. A reminder that I am wanted and desired. That I am safe. That my fears are just fears, and that I am not alone in having fears.

The past few days have been chock full of wonderful experiences. I find that the more time I am spending with my Master, the deeper my submission becomes, the more encompassing our love becomes, we are able to travel together to new depths in our relationship.

This past weekend I met the last of Master's very close friends, and it is now complete. I have met all the people who know Master best and who are nearest and dearest to my heart. He actually trumped me in this, which is something I do not like owning up to...I think of myself as usually being the one who opens the personal side of themselves up to the other first (not that it's a competition mind you), but alas, my Daddy has beaten me to the punch. Which means that next summer, Master and I will have to travel to the midwest so he can meet the two friends who know me the best, who mean the most to me. This is an interesting side of relationships for me...this whole concept/idea of meeting people that are part of your lover's lives. How introducing them to the people who know you the best increases your vulnerability. Master sees it as a sign of love and dedication, by publicly declaring not to just those in the "lifestyle" but also those in the vanilla world, that this is the person I love.

Taking these steps with Daddy have made me realize that some of the parts of me that have changed over the years include the parts of me that allows me to easily form friendships. It always feels weird to say, but when a close friend breaks your heart, you don't heal right. That new chink in the armor is so fortified that you find yourself perhaps skipping over new opportunities for friendships.

Anyway, perhaps the most enjoyable part of the weekend (aside of course from Daddy's mandate ;) ) was the beautiful, luxurious bath I gave him Sunday morning. We were staying in this delightful little hotel, that is about 110 years old, in a room that had a claw foot tub. I love claw foot tubs. In fact I think I love most things that hearken back to the Victorian era. I had picked this room, and then prepared for a romantic little interlude for Master and myself, one we cannot have at home. I brought with me relaxing bath salts, body scrub, manly smelling body wash (the salts and scrub were a wee bit on the girlie side) and bathed Master in a nice hot bath. Although in many ways I was serving him, this wasn't the intent. I just wanted to display my love. I massaged the scrub into his skin, tiny circles, big circles, I washed his body, gently cleansed his most intimate parts. What was the most pleasurable was washing his hair. We used the ice bucket to scoop up water so I could pour it over his hair, the massaged his scalp while washing his hair, once again using the ice bucket to wash the suds away. I give Daddy a lot of things, but there are few gifts that have brought me so much pleasure to give. Nothing is better than Master relaxing. And although his upcoming birthday celebrations with be enjoyable, it won't have the same type of intimacy.

Early this morning Master and I woke up (there's some debate as to who woke up whom), and I had perhaps the most singularly amazing sexual experience of my life to date. We woke up at about 12:50 am, and I don't really recall who started what, was sound asleep, though apparently I was caressing Master in his sleep, and proceeded to have sex. Earlier in the evening Master had comeupstairs to find my breasts bound in bondage tape, nipple clamps on a moth gag, which was around my ball gag, and Daddy was too tired to play. I was horny and crestfallen, but such is life. So Back to 12:50, I don't recall a lot of foreplay, just that I was on top of Master, riding him very gently, in a haze, I had the most powerful orgasm I have ever had, and it was a pretty well-sustained one, but before I know it 45 minutes had flown by (ahhh subspace), I had a female ejaculation, and was absolutely wiped out. Master kept me cumming for 45 frickin minutes. Master's birthday celebration is going to involve him in Dom mode, and the sheer dominance and the power that radiates off of him when he Dom's certain women is such an aprhodisiac for me. So he was urging me on with vivid imaginings of his bday party, of him doming his trainee, of him objectifying another, of the small intimacies he and I will share while doing this, reinforcing my Alpha-sub status, but also moments of love amidst some nice hard sex and fucking. I had leaned back at some point while riding him, arched back and all, and just settled there when we were finished, perfectly content to sleep there, and would have if Daddy hadn't made me move. Nothing moves me quite like being made love to, and it truly was amazing.

So this past weekend, this past week as a whole, in fact has been one chock full of brand new experiences, most of which I am just starting to work through in my head right now. Such firsts include: saying my mantra so that someone other than my Master can hear it and then cumming (on the phone), say my mantra when another person aside from my Master was present and then cumming, playing with a female again and making amends for spazzing out when last playing with Master and the third, going to a bdsm club, and having absolutely divine morning sex. Ok so the last one wasn’t a first but it was extremely enjoyable, and who doesn’t like a little love making in the morning???
Allright – so Master may be taking on a student to train, to help her figure out what she wants and needs, to better prepare her to be a good subbie/slave/whatever to her future Master. And Master and I are continuing to work on my training by doing things to help increase my comfort level with 2+ people during play (all right, for now its just two other people…sheesh let my imagination run a little, will ya?). Master and I decided long ago that I could not have an orgasm without his explicit permission, without his command. Controlling when my orgasm happens, and ideally making it so that we both can orgasm at the same time, has not only heightened the frequency and intensity of my orgasms, but it has also brought Master and I closer together in other aspects of our relationship, enabling us to take on (hopefully) a student who Master will train and I will learn from via participating in the training in different ways. Last weekend, I am thinking Sunday a week ago, Master’s student called because she had become lost on her way home. Now being that he is a caring man, and who likes to be lost, Master talked her home to her house. I was cuddling with Master when she called, and after he had talked her onto roadways that she knew, he continued speaking with her, however by now I had laid my head on Master’s lap, and was lightly playing with my clit, while master talked. Master began to play with my nipples (amazing how new nipple rings change the sensations!) pinching then and pulling on them, not allowing me to make a sound, as he brought about that slight bit of pain that I can handle, that turns me on. The more Master played with my nips, the more furiously I rubbed at my clit. Master than had a brilliant idea, thinking that my first time cumming in front of someone other than him should be on the telephone. And right now. So mantra had me say my mantra.
My mantra is something that has different meanings depending upon the situation and circumstance, but two aspects of it hold true, regardless. It’s a focal point for me to use to control when my orgasms happen, and lets master know that I have an orgasm building. Saying my mantra where someone else could hear it was…odd..to say the least. I felt shy, after all this had previously only been for Master’s ears. Master’s student was on the phone, and heard me start to say it, Master commanded her to listen, and I kept on saying my mantra while she and Master chatted, the orgasm built and built, and Master continued to tease/torture my nipples endlessly. When I get close I start saying my mantra really fast, and sometimes the volume drops and the pitch of my voice increases as I get so close to the little explosion. Well this happened and Daddy focused on my impending orgasm, and commanded to the student to pay attention as well. He said she was getting a preview of what she might get to experience. Master made me hold off. He loves to show his dominance over me by making me wait to cum, and quite frankly it increases the intensity, so I am on board that at the time it does seem oh-so-mean to make his babygirl wait like that. Finally, he has me cum, and as I begin to cum, to go into the period of time when I don’t have control, when it just happens, he thrusts the phone in my face, so the student can hear me. And I cum, and he tells me to keep cumming, so I keep cumming. And cumming. Until Master says stop. I stop cumming, and the shyness overtakes me again, and Master talks his student home. This situation was very erotic, and very hot. I like the student a lot, she is safe for us, as Master puts it, and she is a novice, like me. Having someone’s hand to hold as I continue to grow and learn within the lifestyle is important. And knowing how Master is going to command her, train her, make her grovel for the chance to worship his cock…well that power is a major turn on as well.
Friday night was my first time cumming in front of another person, in the flesh. Now, this was a making restitution situation, so some things were happening that were a punishment for me. But Master being sweet and kind and gentle, was not as harsh in his punishment as he probably should have been. He knew that I was taking a big step, and although I didn’t deserve kindness, not that night, he still showered me with it and affection, telling me he loved me, and that all was right. We had over a friend to play with, who, like me has been searching for a girlfriend within this community who she can hang out with both in the “lifestyle” and the vanilla world. A girlfriend who can relate. Even when we get to the point that we don’t have play-dates any more, I am hopeful that our friendship will still be pretty high up on the list in important things in her life, because my budding friendship with her is steadily becoming important in my life. (I’m blushing!!! I am ridiculous – sheesh!!!)The playing and affection are nice, but it’s the friendship that is the foundation of it all. Anyways she came over, and Master had decided that he was going to teach her to serve him properly, to make her more of a sub to him, and not just a play partner. His reasons for this are varied, and if he chooses to expand on it in a post of his own, well I will leave that to him. So she greets him as a sub should greet a Dom who she is playing with that evening. Protocol always has to be established and then maintained! Protocol however can sometimes turn into more. And I soon found myself standing by Master’s side while she was sucking away on his cock, and I was passionately, deeply kissing my lord and Master. Master then commanded me to join her on my knees, having established my role in all of this, and she and I sucked his cock together. I love deep-throating my Master. It’s not always easy, requires massive amounts of concentration, and sparks in me a little bit of erotic fear, always making me a horny babygirl. I love to impress Master with my deepthroating skills, and as I did this she (as she later told me) was actually getting scared for me because of course when you deep throat there has a tendency to cut off something vital for survival, which would be air. So I would hold him in my throat, bobbing a little back and forth, saliva increasing in my mouth surrounding his wonderful cock, fighting to control my gag reflex, and tears streaming from my eyes. How I ached to touch my pussy. It was while I was sucking my Masters cock that my punishment occurred. I could hear it, and I can honestly say I hated it greatly. And Master did it the way he did because he knew I hated it. I am not sure if he was aware that it did distract me from sucking on his cock. That the pleasure I normally experience when having him in my mouth faded. When the punishment was over, Master took some fun fun fun pics, with me still sucking his cock (because a babygirl always knows how to suck her Master’s cock) while she was being put in various and assorted poses to incorporate the three of us into some erotic shots. I like to be involved when there is a third playing with Master and myself. I think part of my punishment was to watch the two of them together, with me on the sidelines, while she sucked on his cock, giving him pleasure that I was not allowed to be part of. I hated that as well. Punishment is of course, not to be something enjoyable, and some I clenched my jaw, and worked through it. I asked Master if I could play with my clit to distract myself. He allowed me to do so, and perhaps he saw the tension in my jaw, because soon she and he came over to where I was. Master didn’t need to do that, but he knew that watching him play with another woman and not being part of it tears me to shreds inside, and so his love and care and concern of me prevented him from prolonging the punishment. The point is to learn and move on, right? Not make the mistake again. I love nothing more than to be playing with my clit, and ideally having something in my pussy (but this didn’t happen this time), while master’s cock is in my mouth. As I was laying on my back, Master laid down on top of me, slipping his cock into my mouth (which is in a tie for 2nd place for where his cock feels most at home ) and fucking my face. While doing this he had her lay down next to him, and fingered her, while sucking or playing with her nipples, I was saying my mantra in front of her by now, had been once I started playing with myself, and he made her pay attention, listen and watch when he commanded me to cum, and cum, and cum. He had me on a roller coaster of orgasms for at least 5 minutes. When I was done, he was close to cumming. And here he meted out my last punishment. I was not allowed to have any of his cum. Although I can share Master’s cum, lets be honest I do want it to be mine all mine. I don’t care where it is, but I always want it to end up on me or in me, in some capacity. And Friday night, I was denied that. Well at least I was during my punishment. Teehee. He came in her mouth. He hadn’t cum all week, and was saving his cum up, as he usually does for me, because he knows how much I love it in my mouth, in my pussy. His seed means so much to me, and it is an extension of him that goes inside of me, increasing the depth of our bond. And I was denied his seed, and she received it. When he came, he spurted out a massive load into her mouth, one that is usually reserved for me, and she choked a little on all the cum, was coughing, and he made her swallow it. She didn’t like the taste of Daddy’s cum the way I do. But that makes me happy. She and I freshened up, and want out to dinner, leaving Master to sleep soundly until my return, when he jumped my bones!!!! (Master: don’t deny it, you soooo jumped my bones, I offered to let you sleep, but noooooo)
Saturday night, she came over and joined us for it was my first outing to a bdsm club. Although the rules were not as permissive as we liked, Master and I felt it would be a good opportunity for several reasons: first and foremost – we were going to finally meet his student in the flesh!!, secondly both she and I had never been to a club like this, so I had a partner in crime who was as green as I was, and third, well Master liked the idea of having three women around him. Suffice it to say, the club was dead, and therefore lame. I am sure that on a busy night, it is amazing, but there wasn’t nearly enough visual stimulation to occupy my time. And poor Master found himself having to entertain three women, all of us wanting attention from him, breadcrumbs if you will, and me going into Alpha mode amongst the women, wanting more attention than the other two. (I know, I know, very childish, but damnit I wanted everyone to know that we were all submissive to him, that he had power over all of us, and that I was the only one who belonged to him). I also sometimes have a princess complex and want to be showered with attention and affection by my Daddy. And I have always fantasized about being his arm candy in a club, who he does vile and debauched things to. But Daddy and I weren’t there for all of those reasons, so Alpha mode was very low key, if present at all. The only way my Alpha status manifest was that although Master had play with all of our boobies a little (he’s a boob man), I was the only one whose clit was played with, under my skirt, visible but not seen. I wasn’t really turned on because I was too distracted by other things, until, that is, Daddy leaned over and told me about how some men were watching him play with me, while he was playing with her nipples. Now that turned me on. Sadly the night ended early due to boredom that led to sleepiness.
This morning was wonderful. I woke up next to Master, whose alarm went off at 5 am to get him up and ready for work, and both of our days were started in a passionate way, we made love. Which was the best way to begin a day. In spite of all the nonsense of the day, arguments, fights, etc. Beginning and ending each day with some expression of love can make all the difference. Sappy ending I know. But true. So pffftttt.

So I had a new experience this evening, one that wasn’t anticipated and whose impact was very unexpected and surprising. Daddy had talked to someone looking to be Dom’d on the phone earlier, and was able to give her an extremely powerful release, one that she had been greatly in need of… I knew Daddy was going to be talking to her, he was looking for someone to train, and she is looking to be trained. His discussion with her on the phone led to the fact the she needed release, and Daddy thought that he would like to try to help her. Daddy made her cum. And cummmmmmmm, and cummmm….he made her cum to the point of it starting to hurt, and only then, when she begged for Daddy to let her stop, begged and pleaded like a proper sub should, did he give her permission to stop. When Daddy told me about it when he and I were talking later, I was a little shocked. This is the kind of thing he would have talked about with me beforehand, and the possibility of him making any other woman than me cum via the phone really hadn’t crossed my mind, or quite frankly his. But hearing him speak of it, telling me about what he said, how she responded….well, it turned his babygirl on. Before I knew it I had a moist pair of panties and my hand was jammed down the front, fingers rubbing my clit furiously. And before I knew it the resonant rich sounds of the voice of a man who knows my body and its needs better than I did had me cumming as well, wrapped in a fantasy of His domination of another woman, the relief He provided her, the passion it created in me imagining Him domming her in the flesh…this is a side of my Daddy I haven’t really seen before. I could hear it in His voice, that machismo, that cockiness, that…power…and it just did it for me. Saying my mantra, overwhelmed with my Daddy’s power….it was a wonderful cum, one that I was honored to receive. He’s lucky I didn’t just hop in the car drive down there and use my feminine wiles on Him!!!

Writing on here is done for one purpose alone...to organize my thoughts. I had a new experience this past weekend, one which was quite fun, but which also brought out some insecurities and my fears that those insecurities if mentioned to a certain Someone, would perhaps drive them away. It amazes me how emotionally grounded I can be in some arenas, and how elsewhere I find myself floundering along like a kid. I am haunted by one thing in my life, and this one thing in turn impacts every corner of my being, be it things I have no control over such as my depression, to how I act at work, to how I function when alone or when no one is looking, to how I function in relationships with friends and lovers....deep down inside I am insecure and scared to death of not belonging. Belonging to me is belonging to friends, family, loved ones. Loneliness is my greatest enemy, and when I find myself not alone, as in not single, by myself, daydreaming of close friendships with people, daydreaming of finding someone who genuinely loves me; when I find myself not alone I keep wondering if it is all a dream however I don't pinch myself to wake myself up, because a) I would be covered in bruises, and b) why the hell would I want to wake up???

So back to this past weekend. My DaddyDom and I had our first threesome together with this totally awesome woman, and i am hoping that we'll end up to be friends with her, and see her both socially and for play, etc. That being said, holy crap is it hard being insecure by nature and watching the person you love "with" someone else. I think like most people who have spent most of their time in the vanilla world, and who are, as I am, dipping their feet into what has often been only a fantasy, I am finding myself doing things out of a small amount of curiousity, but moreso because I want to make the person I love happy. I had a good time, and like i mentioned earlier I am looking forward to spending time with this woman again. But I am still working through it all...what I comfortable with, what I wasn't comfortable with, what threw me, what kinda ripped my heart out of my chest, what turned me on, what made me melt, what made me hate myself, etc.

How does one genuinely reconcile so many thoughts, feelings, actions, that are all united in this type of situation, when you yourself don't have a firm handle on them all...I know what they are, I just don't really understand how I can enjoy something so much, but still feel so.....insignificant, inconsequential.

It was beautiful, it was fun. But what to do with all the craziness in my mind that isn't about the other two people involved in what really was a good experience, but moreso is a manifestation of my worst fears. And not letting them take control. I love my M so much, and find a peace, and comfort, and level of acceptance with him that I have been searching for, forever. But I am so scared that my conflicting emotions about him with other women, are a sign ultimately that I am not the best babygirl for him. Because that is the heart of my insecurity insofar as it involves him. He is so good to me, and is so giving and loving and how am I worthy of all that???

This is all new to me, and I am slowly learning that sex with someone other than him with me, or me with him, isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing that has so much to offer to the complexity of and depth of our relationship and I feel it is so good for us to do this with one another, to grow, to share what we feel for one another. I guess I am just most scared that my head will fuck it all up.

He's awesome. She's awesome. So how to understand and embrace my time with them for what it is, and not allow my fears to manifest and make it into something it isn't.

Well, more to write tomorrow.

Am getting sleepy, so my mood is a little wonky right now.

I love you M. And I look forward to getting to know you better asap the one who made up the three in our some. :)

XOXO

This past weekend was an interesting one given that it was a first time experience for me. Perhaps it represents a step forward in my training, perhaps it simply was what it was, but it did mark something new for me. I think it also marked a new part of my relationship with M. For whatever reason it allowed me to open up to him in a different way. Last Friday evening was the first time I came for M in a public place. It wasn’t any place ultra kinky or anything, just a restaurant. Oh and did I mention I was plugged??? Let the anal training re-commence!!! My M was nice enough to get me a small plug so I would not be ultra-uncomfortable when wearing it out and about. So anyway back to the training at hand…we were out and about and just sitting at our table, kinda snuggled next to one another but not too terribly close. Close enough for M’s hand to be up my skirt (yipeeeeee!!!). I was my skittish little self, and would kinda freak out any time someone walked by. Master pushed me to my limit though and kept stroking my clit when our waitress came and took our order. I thought I was going to explode. Who knew being diddled in public would lead to an orgasm?
So I don’t know if it was being plugged, or cumming at the restaurant, or whatever that led to my pump being well primed, but by the time we got home, I was definitely in a playful mood. A little knock at the back door, that was fun. Some spanky spanky, that was even more fun. What was surreal though was what we ended our little night of fun and growth with. Sometimes sex is sex, sometimes it deteriorates to fucking, sometimes it become lovemaking. What happened that night was definitely lovemaking, but it was surreal because although we were playing for about 90 minutes, it felt like 15. I completely lost time and I normally don’t do that. Ever. In any situation. M told me that I was in sub-space. To me I was just so blissfully content, being on top, just letting myself feel….that the time went by so fast. It was bliss. The orgasms were so drawn out, I wasn’t timing them, but apparently someone was, and it really set the tone for a weekend of contentment.
I am being trained, but it doesn’t feel like training. Master is my Master, but to me he is a lover, who wears different hats. Most importantly the bond between us is growing. This is wicked corny, I know, but Master is becoming a good, good friend as well and I am relying on him more and more. Smitten. I am smitten.

It’s weird right now because I am in a different situation with my Master. A situation that I am not sure I wanted to find myself in, however if nothing else it will let me see a different side of the man I am devoted to in almost every single way. Apparently Master has a huge desire to humiliate in him. And he told me he couldn’t humiliate me in this way because he cares about me too much and this would be too difficult given the strength of his feelings. Let me preface this with a lil bit of info: I want to find a woman to play with, who I could possibly play with, with Master. But I do make it difficult because I don’t want an unattached woman who could possibly get emotionally attached to master and therefore be competition. I’m insecure. So Master and I heard from this man who wants Master to dom his wife. And this isn’t just dom-ing her, its humiliating her, cutting her down to size. She is clearly the dominant personality in her marriage because she cuckolds her hubby by going out and fucking other men. It used to be with him watching, but then it turned into without him being present at all. To me that’s a wee bit of a problem in itself, but that’s not the purpose of this posting. I am very intimidated and concerned about this whole situation, although I do think it has the potential to be very hot. Master and I actually had phone sex talking about it, and I had a wonderful orgasm fantasizing about it, but when it gets down to reality I am scared this isn’t going to play out how hubby is setting it up to be. Would I like to kinda dom this bitch who is so mean to her hubby? Kinda. Would I like to suck Master’s cock while sitting on her face? Ok….yep. Am I extremely comfortable with the idea of her having sex with my Master? Not really. Point is this: I would love to truly help dom and humiliate this woman but only when I am as involved in the fun and games. And the idea of Master cumming in another woman??? Even if he has a condom on??? Ack!!!!! Or cumming in her mouth??? Noooooo that bothers me. He can cum in my mouth, then if I feel like sharing I’ll snowball the bitch. Master has a strong desire to make her suffer, which is fine. I don’t want him to make me suffer, not with the level of cold-heartedness that he is talking about with this woman, but I also want certain things to be reserved for me. After all – he is my Daddy-dom. And shouldn’t a Daddy-doms cock belong to his babygirl???

That being said we are planning on going to a club in Philly soon to play. :)

My Daddydom wants to take me to a fun fun fun place in Philly, where we can carry out our desire to have sex in a public place. This has been a longtime standing fantasy, to be subjugated to Him in public, for all to know that I belong to him and for everyone to know that based on our actions, and not mere words. The being said, I am of course scared to death of it too. I am assuming this is a normal stage fright reaction, but my fear increases at the thought of what if Daddy invites another woman to join? Will I be ready for that??? I am truly torn right now between wanting to fulfill my Master's needs, and wanting to...not venture out into the great unknown quite yet.How does one know they are ready to take that next step?

I feel that Master deserves to lay claim on me publicly, I want him to - am just very confused as to how I want him to do this. One of masters former babygirls suggested to him that he take me to this fun fun fun public place, and go from there....that getting me out in public will help immensely. I think she is right...but ah how to make the jitters go away??? And what do I wear????

It's interesting how stuck I can get on certain words and what they entail. Let me begin by saying that there are phrases that doms/subs masters/slaves, Daddys/Babygirls have that can mean one thing in one relationship and another in a different relationship. And then of course there are the terms that have a meaning and history all their own outside of "the lifestyle" (dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnn). I of course am having the internal debate about what this entails, the word slave that is, and have been discussing with My Master what being his slave means in the context of our relationship. I have been reading various and assorted posts, pages, blogs, etc. about what a slave "is" and what makes a slave different from a sub. Now before I continue, I just want to state that part of me is of the opinion that it doesn't really matter what the various and assorted definitions are out there for anything within a bdsm relationship, that what ultimately matters is the agreed interpretation of those involved. Ok so I am leaning toward that previous statement more and more right now. I usually dislike the whole subject to interpretation argument, because lets face it a lot of things are subject to interpretation, but I also believe that if one is going to be a hypocrite they should at they very least fess up to it. So I am fessing. Bring it.

Back to the whole slave/sub issue. I just read the following definition about a slave from about 11 years ago on some random woman's website, "A submissive tends to serve while always consciously making a choice to submit, many times retaining rights to individual hierarchy over their personal concerns. They tend to assist the Dominant in making decisions, be that through suggestions or being given the freedom to act and make their own decisions without having the Dominant decide for them. A slave tends to serve out of a need to serve that must be met and over-rules their thoughts of taking care of self, they often give up all rights to personal concerns. Some even going so far as being unable to make the decisions needed for personal concerns without a Dominant to decide for them."

So wait...my master and I see us as being in a master/slave type relationship. His will is mine, his happiness is mine, his desires...my desires...you get the drift, but he still asks me my opinion on things, and is fine when my opinion differs from his, as long as we have the same end result in mind. In fact, sometimes we have a different end result in mind, but he isn't heavy handed or anything, in fact he encourages me to share my thoughts with him and reconsiders...I guess what I have been wondering, and could quite frankly use some feed back on from those of you who are actually reading this, is the following: Can/does a slave have such thing as a self-concept, an idea of self? If you give your will over to your Master, does that entail your right to think for yourself, form your own opinions, etc? If you are a slave, are you property or a person? I know that alot of the questions can fall into the whole whatever you and your Master agreed upon category when I was collared, but I am wondering what your individual thoughts, feelings, etc. are on this as it relates to you and any experiences you have had on either side of the fence in this situation.

I know I could post this in one of the forums, but I am not ready to officially open it up like that yet...

I'll post my rationale behind why I am asking this in several days, would just like to see what everyone's thought are...

Serving my master seems to be taking on many different aspects, that is I find that I serve him in many different ways, wearing many different hats.  Perhaps what is most gratifying for me, however, is knowing that I have satisfied him, and seeing it in that little satisfied grin he gets when he is content, or hearing the calm and smile in his voice when we speak in hushed, intimate tones, conveying our thoughts, feelings, and desires.  On serving my master, tonight I realized that what I provide for him doesn't always need to be in the realm of the real, but can also exist in the realm of the imagined.  Imagining the lengths I would go to please him, the possibility of would I do this...I think it excites him, titilates him, and perhaps even humbles him a little when I consider things that he knows would make me extremely uncomfortable, especially anything involving needles!  But serving my Master was rewarded most wonderfully this past weekend, and it was in this reward that I found myself feeling truly coveted, adored, safe, cherished...sleeping on his lap after a wonderful orgasm, him stroking my hair, my cheek, my eyebrows as I slept, knowing that he tolerated my snores and continued to provide for me in such an essential way...it brings me to my knees, causes me to stumble forward until I lay before him prostrate because he is starting to give me a very great gift.  My masters gentle, nurturing side leaves me at a loss at times.  I hope I continue to prove worthy.

I am possessed. What lurks inside of my being is another, although his residence is not unwelcome. His possession of me came about at my insistence, not his, my actions, not his. His patience led to my actions, led to my rounding the corner, led to me becoming the initiator, led to my own possession. I am collared, although this collar, if removed, remains. Ownership is 9/10th of the law. His collar states that he possesses me. It is written elsewhere in my being, imprinted, tattooed onto something unseen. He is slowly but surely overtaking me, piece by piece, bit by bit. He has taken possession of one of my fantasies and turned it into his. Into mine. Into ours, into an erotic encounter that I cannot forget, into an encounter that had me face some fears, and trust another fear. And the reward? A different kind of possession. A possession of a part, not owned by any before him.

The possession is not one-sided. I am possessing him. Sitting at his feet, for all to see, letting all know that He is mine. Washing his feet, I leave my mark on him. The water possesses us both as it roles down my breast, over his feet, into the pan, where possession is not identified by who own whom, but by what contains what. Trusting in what possesses you, in what you possess, is difficult, especially given that possession only occurs when one completely acquiesces to the other. Possession is a hunger. A hunger to provide for his as he has provided for me. I am taking possession of pockets of his life, a shelf of glasses. A rocking chair, a frame for cross-stitch. He possesses me, when accepts tokens of our shared past, before either one of us could even fathom possessing the other, when ancestors crossed paths on a dusty street in New Amsterdam, unaware of their descendents future possession of the other. I long for this possession to cease, for the need to belong to cease, because one cannot possess what they are. One cannot possess their own heart. One can possess their own soul. How I long to no longer possess.

Well I had my first lifestyle-ish event this past weekend, and I guess in a way I got to have a munch-type experience in a very safe, casual setting to ease me into everything. There were several misconceptions that I had going into this, because I wasn't expecting everyday normal people. I was expecting to be surrounded by a bunch of leather and chains and what not - drawing on the stereotypes for my vision of what everything would be like. I was expecting people to be more guarded about their vanilla lives, and not at all like people who I would like to go out to dinner with. Which is what exactly some were. Funny people, thoughtful people, quiet people, loud people, assertive people...a group of people getting together to just gab, eat, and have a good time. Of course the tickling was just additional fun for me, and I did perhaps meet some potential play partners in the future, who knows...Master will help me figure that out. Mostly it was just nice to be at a place where we didn't have to tone down the nature of our relationship. that is where we could clearly be who we are without having to worry about vanilla sensibilities. Plus, Master showing off his bum was nice. I never expected him to pull down his pants when the boxers/briefs debate was occurring....It made me blush and giggle and mostly be proud that its my Master, my Daddy, who has the nice ass. Although the kitten boxers were cute. On the other dude. Clearly i need to get master some cute boxers for such occasions.

SO Master and I are working together a little more to get things in order, to help me improve my life, thereby improving his life, and so on and so forth. Let me first say that Master is working with me to help me improve my life, my health, my finances everything. The finances part is very different, because I have never had anyone who I have dated in the past want to see my budget simply so they could help me find areas to be tweaked. I must confess I am not quite sure how I feel about keeping track of everything I but, it'll be difficult, and somewhat irritating, but knowing what I am spending my money on will help me identify where I can afford to make cuts. My proposed budget for myself is probably a little unrealistic. But I do feel that with the support of my master I can do it! And I am talking emotional support. Not financial support. I mean, if he wants to give me money then I would be a fool to turn it down...In addition to starting to take a deeper look at my budget master and I are in the process of setting short term goals for ourselves, and I am hopeful that with the goals in mind I will be more likely to achieve them. And they are all wonderfully realistic, so that's a good thing in my book.

Ah trapped in the snow, as are so many other people. A very bad girl part of me hopes to not work tomorrow because there is still so much snow to be plowed! I wiled a way my time doing work around the house and what not, as well as some online shopping for some naughty outfits for master!  Also got to talk a very sexy lady earlier this evening and very much enjoyed how our conversation made parts of me burn with desire ;) 

Communcation is key, but actions speak louder than words.

Well it was wonderful birthday weekend, thanks to my Daddy!  I have an absolutely intense orgasm that can only be described as explosive.  Intimacy with my master has been laced with new sensations, pleasure, pain, new experiences, female ejaculation and now...last night my orgasm, it was like a bubble burst my mouth opened and I made such sounds that I have never before made while climaxing.  Why is it that some orgasms build, rise and fall like tidal waves, whereas others burst..exploding not only quickly but intesnely, pleasure radiating out and consuming everything.  I also got to meet several of daddies' friends and am so happy because I feel now more secure within the community that I am beginning to become a part of. 

I feel as if I am all over the place right now!  Coming back from a wonderful holiday break shouldn't be so stressful and yet, it is...speaking of holiday.  Went to a family thing with my master, it went well. More relevant to collarme though is something that happened there, that in all honesty I thought was moreso a fictionalized act created by the porn powers that be.  Thats right folks.  Female ejaculation.  It happened.  Master and I had been blurring the pleasure and the pain, and my mind was completely confusing the two, and as we continued to play I found myself in a unique (for me) situation in that I had a female ejculation.  Clearly I was enjoying myself, but that threw me off - not going to lie.  It was moreso a, "Wait, what the heck just happened??" experience.  Just wondering if any other women had experienced it before and, well...I have questions for those of you who have experienced it.  All right off to meet a friend for tea.

Well Daddy and I are continuing to look for a third...but I almost hope to find someone just to send messages back and forth to to share experiences with, perhaps even looking for a female mentor...I do need to have someone to bounce things off of, someone who could help me through things, especially the mental side of a dom/sub relationship. I am also interested in finding a woman who could teach me how to do things I have yet to experience... But more important right now is just trying to meet and make some friends in the lifestyle whom I can communicate with about the whole spectrum of experiences, duties, roles, etc.  Hope you had a good holiday!