Kat713

I am hot.

I am cold.

I am fearless.

I am terrified.

Fate must be furious.

But if it be fair,

Then I must be a fiend.

And so I am cool.

But I am burning.

I keep myself surrounded,

Yet I am always alone.

The weather seems gloomy,

but it's just my reflection.

The sun will come out again.

Probably,

Hopefully,

very soon.

painful pieces of perturbing past, seemingly shards of shattered dream... perverting the present.

twisting, tangling; I'm torn.

But reaching out, ready to realize the real in--

.

I don't think the dream catcher is working.

I can't sleep through the night. (But that's nothing new; I never have.)

This fantasy I have of someone giving a fuck when I wake up in a cold sweat is just that.

But I care... Why can't that be enough..? At least some nights? I even bought the dream catcher.

But I don't think it's working.

I want to talk about it, but if I do that, especially with the person, I feel like it's just going to make things worse. Even if I talk about it with others, they will think I'm crazy probably. And it would require the telling of other things to make it make sense, things I might not necessarily be ready to reveal.

Better to not say anything anyway... Just let it die. Bringing it up again will only give air to the fire. These things probably cannot be salvaged. Just pretend it never happened. Cut your losses.

But I feel so consumed inside. I want to express myself.

Maybe I should draw a picture. But I don't have any fucking crayons.

If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned.... Seems fitting.

So I bought some eggs, and since I only have a mini fridge in my room, I put the eggs in the kitchen fridge (I would have to go in there if I wanted to cook them anyway). You're supposed to label your stuff, so I always write on the eggs: "Mine, but feel free to take one! :)"

I mean, you never know if someone is short on cash and hungry or broke their last egg accidentally.

Anyway, last time I cooked eggs, I had about 2-3 left, and I went to cook some today and my egg carton wasn't even in there. -_- At first I was irritated, because everyone knows you're not supposed to take the last one... And did 2-3 different people each take one, or did one person just decide to eat the rest of them?

But I decided it was okay, because whoever it was was either hungry, selfish, or actually thought it was okay, and each of those is a little sad so I just directed a quick prayer in their direction. And after all, the whole point of my label was to share! :)

I bought some more eggs today, and was considering just writing my name or "Mine" on them. But you know what? I think I'll write the  same thing again. It's good to share. Even if someone keeps eating my eggs, that's what I wrote the note for. I want to share, so I don't mind. But geez, TRY not to eat the last one. Well at least it wasn't the last DR.PEPPER. Then you're dead to me. ^_^

Haha finally gonna check out this Namio Harukawa exhibit this evening. Then to make merry with drinks (and perhaps) dancing~ Tonight, during the dawn of Winter... you may find a Summer fae~~~

Felt good to talk with family last night, but wish it had been under better circumstances... :/  R.I.P. to my Uncle. Korea is far away from my hometown... But as I talked with and comforted family last night, in my heart I was home with them.

Still think about him. wonder if he thinks of me. guess it doesn't matter much. since it seems we were not meant to be. so anyway, i'll be on my way, but always, sending luck your way.

Finally free of my faux follicular confines... they were fabulous, but now I'm foxy~

What does the fox say?

~meow.~

After doing lots of sad things by myself such as drinking, going to karaoke, and eating samgyupsal, I think I'm going to go for the ultimate pitiful act and take myself to see a movie today! I am very excited to just chill with myself and eat some popcorn! (oh I mean embarrassed and depressed because I don't have any friends). :P Would be nice to go see it with a guy, but yeah I know how I feel about Thor and I'm sure no guy wants that awkwardness. Like when I went to see Tokyo Drift and Ninja Assassin with my ex boyfriend. Oh, the guilt! (and arousal ^^)

I went to the hospital here in Korea today. Actually it was more of a clinic.

Anyway some things happened there and it made me kinda think 'haha wow I'm really kinky'.

Well first, when I met the doctor, his voice was deep and he wore a mask. He spoke Korean to me but then told me it was alright to use English. His hair had some grey in it. When he touched my neck to feel my glands, which were quite swollen, I noticed that I liked it and I tried not to show it. It was just kinda hot that he was kinda handling me a bit roughly and touching that place which is kinda intimate...

I looked in his eyes and hoped he didn't think I'm a slut.

Next, I was in a room since they told me I have to get an IV. The nurse suddenly says I also need to get a shot. On my butt! ^^;;;;; At first I was like 'haha uh..no' But I knew I needed to get better and they know better than me, so I bent over and undid my pants.. sliding my pants and panties off of my hips a bit. I felt the nurse wiping me with an alcohol pad and then surprisingly-- she spanked me! I guess it was to like get the flesh ready or whatnot and I'm sure it wasn't kinky, but I was surprised and felt embarrassed. Then it was over and a piece of cotton with a spot of blood on it was put on the tray. I wonder if the doctor next door could hear the sound of my ass getting spanked.

They hooked the IV needle up in the vein at the crook of my elbow. It was dripping fine but at some point it had stopped while I was sleeping. So, the nurse came in and started freaking out and was going to put the needle in my hand instead. But she couldn't find the vein, so she called the doctor in. The doctor came in, still wearing his mask and he also couldn't seem to see the vein. He held the needle and my hand and I was kinda nervous so my fingers wrapped around his hand a little bit. He shoved the needle in and it hurt so I squeezed my eyes shut. He said he also couldn't see it, but he'd felt it. So the little masochist in me thought it was kinda hot because he was kinda like 'ok it has to go in' and was a little rough about it to get the job done. Kinda like 'i know this might hurt, but it has to be done so you'll feel better.'

So anyway, maybe it's because I'm unwell today, but those things made me think about my interests in the bdsm lifestyle and also maybe what kind of relationship I am looking for. Maybe I need something leaning towards a DaddyDom. I know that doctor I met today isn't thinking anything of me and I don't think we have any kind of relationship; it was just kinda a one-day crush and I guess being sick made me yearn even more for that male affection/attention haha. So don't think I'm delusional or something! This kitty just has a very active imagination ^^;; Which was good since I was in that clinic for like 6 hours, mostly in a room by myself with nothing but my thoughts and pain to keep me company. -_-

He told me to come back and see him tomorrow. I know it's just professional to check on my progress. But I admit, I'm kinda hoping he takes off the mask this time so I can see his face. And I wouldn't mind him giving me the butt shot this time. :P Just as long as he spanks me first... ;)

And after that I felt then, really really knew that whatever silly thoughts I had about anything we could be... were stars. Almost seeming within reach on a clear night but should you even ever get there, you will find they were dead before you were even on this earth.

The last one before sleep,

And then I sleep.

And then I sleep and hope and dream

Of hopes and dreams,

I hope I dream.

"I may be bad..." Maybe I'm not perfectly good at it now, but I can assure you I'm getting better....

And there's no doubt it "feels so good being bad..." Turning back where? ^.~

"I've been living a lie-- there's nothing inside."

Another lie. There's too much inside.

"Bring me to life...."

The water was too hot.

I started to say so.

But... I let him clean me with it.

I need the scalding water. I need to be cleaned.

Now, once again, I can pretend to be clean.

I was never clean.

Even writing the word... It seems so foreign to me. Clean me.

Would love to find a Korean or Japanese dominant or switch man with some definite dominant tendencies. Extra points if you have long hair. ^_^ I want to make a deep connection that rocks both of our cores. Something more than just a one night stand. Because those I can have no problem. Although if you want to watch me have one night stands.... I've also been interested in a wittol/cuckold scenario. I don't consider myself extremely masochistic, but for the right person... I want to suffer gracefully for you. I am waiting. Only you and I can really give each other what we need.

I feel so broken. I can't do this right. If it all comes down to this, I'll be alone forever. I'm looking for a guy who only exists in my mind. It's not fair to me or other guys when I try to force them into his shoes.

My arm hurts. I fell. Maybe my wrist is sprained. Maybe not, but I don't really have any one who cares so why say anything?

I want to be punished and protected.

That was kind of funny. And kinda sad. But I prefer to just be impressed.

I've been looking for someone to save me for a very long time. In the end, or at least in the now, I think I need to start to save myself. But maybe not starting exactly now. Exactly; Now is a bit of a hard thing to handle. If I can't handle myself, then how can I expect someone else to do it? Hell is defined in different ways. And I'm different, too.

"I don't want to be the one the battles always choose. Cuz' inside I realize that I'm the one confused.

I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way; I know it's not alright.

So I'm breaking the habit...."

It's never too late to learn. Although there might be a time when you learned a lesson too late for it to be useful to you anymore. But that time isn't here now. So.. number 1 rule is don't be thirsty. You're a tall drink of water, and not the other way around.

So basically, how about I do whatever the fuck I wanna do. I'm young, beautiful, exotic, intelligent... and definitely interesting.

Leaving for Korea in less than 24 hours.  As I straighten up my room, things are really starting to feel real. My bags sit by the door, just waiting for me. And although I've been waiting for this too, I finally start to feel the unfurling of cocooned butterflies in my stomach, and I admit that I'm.. nervous? Well, let's just call it excitement, and call it a day. The last day. Until the new day. :)

Okay, things are finally moving along. If everything goes well, I will be in Korea in less than a week~ ^.^ !

I got my visa... I'm going to Korea very very soon!

I don't mean to be fussy, but it's just.... frustrating. Everything is so frustrating and I'm trying to do the best I can and be kind, patient, and strong.

I'm going to Korea very soon. :)

Just went into the closet and... made myself feel good. Just plugged it in, stood there with my pants off and... did it. Wanting to do it again haha.

Comfort me.

Okay, I've decided. Tomorrow, I will start the process in getting all of my documents ready for overseas work.

Since I graduated in December, I've been trying hard to get a job so I can save money to go to Tokyo or at least nearby. I'd need to pay for airfare, housing, and basically everything until that first paycheck. But I haven't had much luck in the job department. I'd been contemplating going back to Korea for awhile, but my heart was set on Tokyo, so I kept waiting for something amazing to happen like me finding a great job and saving up enough money to go to a great job in Tokyo. But now I feel like I am tired of standing still. So I've decided to get my documents ready and go back to Korea to teach in Seoul. Most of the jobs in Korea will pay for your airfare, housing, and sometimes even provide a settlement allowance of sorts.  So financially it would be a better option for me at the moment. It would still be nice to have some income coming in before I go, since I don't have very much money at all (only a few hundred to be honest). But even if I went to Korea with that small amount, I think I could definitely get by for the first month, especially since housing and stuff would already be paid for. I would really only need to worry about food and transportation, and transportation is pretty cheap within Seoul. I would probably be within walking distance to my work anyway.

Well, during this time of preparing my documents (it will probably take over a month to get everything ready), I'll be searching for jobs in Korea and hopefully will get a super awesome position/contract. I'll also be keeping my eyes open for anything else, like a bag full of money or something lol. But for now, I've decided to move forward to Korea. I should be back there within a few months. I'll stay there for at least a year, enjoy my time there (despite my heart's yearning for Tokyo, I have really missed Seoul very much!), and try to secure a good job in the Tokyo area for after the contract ends.

So yeah. I'm going to do that.

Anyway I was so obsessed with going to Tokyo, and a part of me still is. But I have missed Seoul. I might as well go there. Maybe something or someone amazing is waiting for me there. Or waiting to appear once I finally get to Tokyo. Well, I guess we'll see!

Oh wow. I don't normally do that, but I must admit... it was quite exciting. ^_^;;

Okay I have a confession to make hehe. It's almost 2am here and I just ate a jelly filled doughnut (lemon ^^). I actually went to the store yesterday (technically 2 days ago since it is now early in the morning) and decided to grab one. I hadn't had a doughnut in a really long time! Especially a lemon filled one! When I was a child, I really enjoyed those.... Anyway so I decided to grab one, and I had this idea that I would eat it that evening/night, but I never did. So after the doughnut sitting there for a whole day, I thought I'd better pop it in the microwave for a bit before eating it tonight. So I put it on 15 seconds and it was nicely warmed. Then I brought it into my room and ate it. Afterwards, I just felt I wanted to share that, so I decided to write it here! Haha where no one can run away from my random ramblings. >:)  Well I guess you could just leave my page.... :/   ^.^;;

Well, I hope you all enjoyed that little tidbit of my night. By the way, I enjoy receiving messages from people who've been reading my journal, so don't feel shy if you wanna say hey~ :)  Haha I tend to think that no one is really reading these, but I guess that's not so all the time. ^_^ Goodnight~!

I wanna go to the Chinese Buffet maybe.... Somewhere with sushi.

Job ? ???????? ??? ?? ??????? ???, ???????????? -_-

Well, I am a recent graduate living with my parents and searching for a job. Sometimes it feels like I am going backwards.

I want to get a good job, save up some money, then move to Tokyo (and presumably work there). I also have a good idea of where I want to live- it is Tokyo's Koreatown, called Shin-Okubo. It would be great to experience Korean culture, food, and language (I kinda miss Korea and would also like to practice my Korean haha), but be living in the middle of Tokyo. Also, as far as entertainment (and kink) goes, that would be a great place for me to be. I hung around that area when I was in Tokyo over the summer, and I enjoy the energy and atmosphere. And with a station close by that is on the main train line, it would be relatively simple to get to work even in places a bit far away. In fact, I wouldn't mind a commute to work because I'd rather not work where I play anyway. 

I am very serious about moving to Tokyo, but the more I research, the more difficult it seems to be. Of course, I already knew that you need a visa of some sorts to live in Japan for more than 3 months (if you're American) and that English jobs in Tokyo would be scarce. But I still believed that this strong desire could come to fruition if I just worked towards it diligently enough. But with no money, no job, and lack of options, I've been feeling down... I know I have to keep my head up, my eyes open, and just do my best to go towards my dreams. I've been praying for patience and peace. But sometimes, that peace feels as elusive as a full time ALT position in/near Tokyo with subsidized single housing in Shin-Okubo with utilities included and a cute neighbor boy to kill any bugs I see and open my can of pickles.. -_-

Watching another show on tv about Tokyo. It drives me crazy. I really want to go back. Well, now that I've graduated from university and am back in my hometown, it is time for me to get a job so I can start saving money. I've also been contemplating going over to Korea to teach again and to start saving up there. Because my ultimate goal right now is to live in Tokyo. Many people tell me it's so difficult, so competitive, not a good idea to live there, too expensive, whatever etc. But I can't deny my heart's direction anymore. That's just where I want to be, and I will work hard to get there. Maybe instead of going to Korea, I'll just stay here and save up and go straight to Tokyo. I remember that at the beginning of 2012, I didn't know I'd be in Tokyo or even Korea by that summer. Likewise, I don't know how things will unfold in this next year, but with it here, I guess it's time to get started.

I'm graduating from university on Friday. :)

When speaking Japanese or Korean, my brain/mouth often tries to mix the two languages. Like this [true story]:
Oral Test 2 Practice Question: ?????????
Me: ???????? ???? ?? ? ???? ?????
-_-;;

Sometimes I feel so lonely since I don't have a boyfriend to cuddle and stuff with.... Then I watch Maury. Then I open my bottom drawer.

I thought you had forgotten me, Tokyo Boy. Don't think I haven't forgotten you. Anyway, let's remember just a bit and...I have always believed, from the very beginning, that somewhere in this small world, we could, we would, meet again.

Going to my hometown for a few days, so I had to get a few under my belt.... I don't think 3 times in a row will last me for a whole week, but it'll have to do.. ^.^;;

Lately I enjoy using the wand over my panties... I turn it up and cum over and over again, making my panties soaked. I think this time I masturbated 5-8 times in 1 hour? Haha I lose track ^^;;

???? ?? ???? ????.  ??... ?? ???? ?? ???. ???? ???? "something" ??.  ??? ??? ?????  "a different thing" ??. ??? ?? ??? ?? ?????. ??... ?? ?? ????? ? ???.

It's not that people are BAD. You just can't trust them. Or at least I can't. And every time I try to just chill out, and go with the flow, OF COURSE I have to learn that lesson again. You know, some people say that I'm pessimistic or "negative", but I'm just realistic, and frankly, I need to be doing more of that and less of being so nice and believing that people will actually do what they say they will.  And it's a testament to how much I've been let down that I'm not even really that upset about it this time. I'm just like... -_- I hope this is a sign of my heart hardening and that it will continue until I can't hurt anymore.

???? ???????? eggshell ? ??????T_T
....??? ???????????? ??? ?? leftover ?????????? ???? ??????? :/

Found some eggshell in my salad and now I am trying to eat it but with every bite I am fearing for that sudden hard crunch. It's torture. And not the good kind. T_T

Aww I was looking at a position in Korea. I was scrolling down the list of benefits/requirements and it was a little disheartening to see: "9. Caucasian only" :/

3 day weekend coming up. It'd be nice to have something fun planned, but it looks like it'll just be me, the bed, and the TV haha. Well, actually that doesn't sound too bad. ^_^

Ahhhh!!!! I really need to get a job... like now. And I guess I can kiss going out for drinks/dinner goodbye for awhile.. T_T  But yeah I really need a job or some form of income.

Graduation is coming up soon, and I am so excited! I'll have my Bachelor's degree and finally be done with school... haha at least for a little while since I might be going back for the Master's or Doctorate.  Getting my degree will be great since it means I'll be able to travel some more- as I said in my profile, I am definitely planning on going back to Asia. I lived in Korea for one year and this time I would love to find work in Japan. I also wouldn't mind maybe continuing my education there if the opportunity presented itself. The job search has been quite difficult, though. :/  Sometimes when I tell people about visiting Korea and Japan, they seem to think I had lots of money. But what people don't know is that the only reason I was able to visit there was through programs and financial aid. Now that I am finishing school, I definitely won't have plane ticket/settling in money. And even if I can gather enough money for a ticket (if I can ever get a job; since I came back from Korea it's been difficult to find one) it would still be best to find a program/job that will support me in some way such as provided housing or subsidized airfare. I have heard of a program that covers airfare, but it would most likely place me in a rural area of Japan and after visiting Tokyo twice, I'd really like to be close to there. Hmm maybe I should look at working in Korea again and try for Seoul. But ah... I really miss Japan and that air of kinky possibility. Sometimes I imagine meeting a man in Japan- maybe at a happening bar (there's one in Shinjuku I visited almost everyday during my 2nd visit and I love it and miss it so much) or maybe just on the street or in a park.. hehe or on here!- and just.. connecting. In a passionate, kinky, but so natural way. Haha anyway, I have such an active imagination ^^;;

I think that I feel much too much.

I just want to cut it out of me sometimes.

Stick the knife in, and fling it right out.

It's so upsetting to be so upset about every little upsetting thing.

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cares.

Now isn't that a bit lonely?

And a bit,

I admit,

Upsetting.

Well it's almost 4am, and I don't have anyone to talk to. So I guess I better just express it here. Tonight, something happened that while not overtly racism, was still rude, unprofessional, and discriminatory. In fact a couple of things happened, and to be short, my feelings were really hurt. Now that I started writing about it, I don't even feel like explaining everything. I feel a little exhausted from crying, and I kinda  feel it would be even more exhausting to explain myself thoroughly. Whatever. Am I just being too sensitive? Other people don't seem to think so. Whatever.

But it's not whatever. Racism or not/and not, rude is rude and please don't be rude to me. It hurts my feelings.

My feelings feel really hurt. I wish.... now is the time I really wish I just had someone to... lay on. Someone to just hold me and at least I know that out of all the people in the world, at least they care about and love me.

hehe i shaved. everywhere.

Things I'd like to do with someone special (boyfriend/Dom/Man):

Visit a haunted house. Not a REAL ONE but like the Halloween theme haunted house/hay ride things.

Go to the aquarium and see some dolphins, orcas, sharks, octopi, whatever~ maybe even eat overly expensive food while there haha. When I was in Osaka, I actually visted a famous aquarium that had a huge ferris wheel. I was by myself so it was a little depressing. But I didn't ride the ferris wheel... maybe next time with a special person. Speaking of..

Ride a ferris wheel. Maybe.

Get drunk.

Well I was just thinking about that since I was watching something on Ellen about these 2 people visiting a haunted house. Meh. I'm sure I can do those things with someone special someday~ :)

Oh haha "dead body" was one of the answers. But hmm I was more thinking of warm and scantily clad. ^.~

Haha Family Feud is on. The question: Name something a person might keep in a cellar." My first thought: "A person!" Hahahaha gosh I'm so pervy ^.^;; 

maybe go out. feeling depressed. like it would be better to at least go out and have a good meal and martini. meow meow meow.

Well today is today. I'm not feeling too good. Two classes and a weekend. I don't think it's enough. I wish someone could really understand my pain. I feel like I could tell everyone, "I'm not okay" and they still wouldn't get it. Anyway, T.G.I.F.. Right?

That Tostino's pizza rolls commercial:

The announcer: "Ready faster than Kenny can dodge a question."

Mom: "How was your test?"

Microwave dings, kid takes the plate out and pops one in his mouth. "Mmmmm."

Two things that really irk me: (1) The commercial is saying that the pizza rolls are ready BEFORE the kid dodges the question (which he did with that noncommittal mouthful mumble). But he didn't dodge the question until AFTER the pizza rolls were done and he took them out of the microwave! So that isn't right. And it doesn't make sense anyway. And (2): I don't know anyone who can pop those things into their mouth RIGHT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE without burning the hell out of their mouth. Unless that noncommittal mumble was one of pain...Haha  I always think about that whenever I see that commercial. ^_^

This should have been the week, but now I guess it won't be. As the date draws closer, I find myself trying not to think about it. It's gotta be like it never happened, so I don't have to add it to the other ones. I really didn't wanna add him- thinking back at some perhaps not so distant time, and feeling that pang. He was nice. Anyway, the pangs sometimes seem to get a little better over time. But sometimes it doesn't seem that way at all.

Ah... so I guess I was counting my chickens before they hatched? This Dom I'd only been talking to for a few weeks and I planned to go to DomCon Atlanta together, and I was really excited. But it seems that might not happen after all. Haha maybe me and DomCon are just not meant to happen. :P  Well. I am of course disappointed about more than just missing DomCon.  At some point, I admit that I was thinking that me and that person probably wouldn't end up living together as Master/slave or something, but I still wanted to have a good time together and make a good friend... or maybe even more- hehe you really never know. So, I feel like a chance for a friendship/relationship is also being lost, and that sucks.

Meanwhile, I've been feeling a bit down the past few days. I am definitely not a boring person, and I know that my quirks, insecurities, and habit of being honest with my thoughts and feelings can be a lot for many people. Sometimes I feel like I might not ever be able to find someone I can be comfortable, secure, and just myself with.  Maybe I am just way too honest and open about things. Maybe some stuff I should just keep to myself, even if I really want to explain something, express myself, or make things better. I don't want to hurt anyone and of course I really don't want to get hurt myself.

Still considering going to DomCon, but obviously it would be a lot more expensive (and lonely ^^;;) by myself. But it would probably still be a lot of fun if I allowed myself to relax and actually have some fun! Hehe maybe I'd also meet a nice Asian man. :P

rawr!

mew. ^_^

Just finished watching the Princess and the Frog~ :') Well this is real world and not a fairy tale, but I guess as long as it's not the only thing I'm doing... there's nothing wrong with a lot of dreaming and a little bit of wishing. :)

So you want absolution? A little too little, a little too late. I'm not quite the same me that I was before. And you would know that if we were still "friends".

I'd like to dress up and go trick-or-treating except for adult stuff, like full sized candy bars and fuzzy handcuffs.

Well, maybe it's not a good idea to get my hopes up about going to Dom Con with anyone in particular. Going by myself could be fun too and who knows, maybe I could meet someone nice there. Or I could just hit up Anime Weekend Atlanta instead. It would probably be cheaper if I could figure out the where to sleep thing. Or maybe I will just stay at home and not do anything.  Yeah, that would definitely save the most money. -_-

The guess tends to be the choice if you stick to it long enough.

Have I been taking the wrong gamble, making the wrong guesses?

But I guess everything has an explanation.

And I can only guess.

So I guess tonight it's goodnight but without the good night.

And I guess we'll see how things are on the morrow.

And I guess it's only the beginning anyway

So I guess it should be easy to not care either way.

I guess.

I guess.

Goodnight.

Sleep tight.

Don't let those guesses, don't let those feelings

Come back to bite.

     So I've been thinking of going to DomCon this year! I've never been but it sounds awesome! So many kinky people in one place for a whole weekend! And hopefully that includes kinky sexy Asian man people ^.^

     From what I understand, the convention is going to be held at a hotel which also has special DomCon guest prices for rooms, but it still seems a bit pricey. I'd also have to buy the convention ticket of course, not to mention food. Then if I wanted to get anything else... But hopefully, my financials will be looking up within the next 2 weeks. That would be great.

     Speaking of kinky sexy Asian man people, if I do decide to go, hopefully I can find someone to go with me. I do tend to lean more towards my submissive side, and I think I would feel more comfortable and safer (and less lonely! ^^;;) around a Dominant who could at least place me under a collar of protection or something for the weekend. Whenever I go to any lifestyle events or places, I always have at least a bit of unwanted/ unattractive attention. And well, I think it would just really make the experience even better for me.

     But I don't want to go with just anyone- things could get really awkward or even dangerous, and I don't want to put myself in a bad situation. I have been in them before. Man, when you depend on someone, it can be so painful.

     Actually, a few years ago, I had a plan to go to DomCon with someone and I was very excited about it. But, unfortunately it didn't work out... :(  Since then I haven't tried to go with anyone...  :/  But this time around, well, there is this one person I have in mind. ^^;;;;;; 

     He's this guy I've been talking to the past few weeks. He seems smart, patient, and kind, something I really don't run across a lot! And he's a cute Asian guy, so that doesn't hurt at all :D  But of course I don't know how he feels about going... he's out of state, it's kinda expensive, and well... maybe he is just not interested in this sort of thing, or interested in going with me.  And I also am not sure how I feel. I have to admit, that I do like him. He seems so gentle, so patient, but I feel like there is definitely a strong Dominant side to him (I got a tiny taste of it the other day and I liked it hehe ^^;;).   However, I really don't want to end up going with this guy and having a crappy weekend or worse, getting emotionally or even physically hurt. 

     This guy does seem like a good thing, but all that glitters is not gold and I have to remember that. Even though I try to relax and open my heart to him, sometimes there are negative conversations/situations and it makes my heart just want to clam back up.  Then I feel upset at myself for being sad, caring too much, and making myself vulnerable (even though as a Dom and a man, I know he wants me to do exactly that so that I can truly submit to him from my heart and not just in action). Ah I know that there comes a point when I have to trust again, but every fucking time I let go and do it, I get hurt again! Hurt bad. Real bad. I want to trust him. And maybe.. just maybe.. I want to submit to him. But the only kind of hurt I want to get is spankings or whatever from him. I don't want to get hurt in my heart anymore.

     Well anyway, speaking of conventions, I am also thinking of going to Anime Weekend Atlanta!  But I guess if I made plans to go to DomCon, I'd probably just save my money for that. Haha who knows where I could be in the future? Maybe in something cute/sexy, surrounded by kinky people and kinky things, looking up at a sexy Asian Dominant? Hmmm well I guess you never know~

Feeling a little silly for feeling giddy when you call~
Are you lying when you say you feel a little nervous when we talk?

Because if you are... >:)
I'm sticking my foot where the sun don't shine
and I will be kicking your balls from behind. -_-

But if not, I might tell you that I feel a bit nervous, too.
And well... just a little giddy. ^^;;

Looking for a dominant gentleman...

Nuzzle my neck gently... before marking me.

When we get home, open the door for me... and if it pleases you, push me through it onto the floor for a quickie.

Hold my hand... and spank my ass.

I'm looking for that perfect gentleman... please allow me to be your perfect slave.

Oooh I'm now "Indecent" on the forums, instead of "Vanilla"!

Perhaps to celebrate I should be indecent for real? Maybe going commando? Or punching a baby in the face? ^^ hehe just kidding~ about the baby part, that is... ;)

Flying to Tokyo tomorrow for 9 days~! ^^;;

Time for an update! As I said in a previous entry, I will be heading back to South Korea this summer to take some university courses.

And not sure if I said so before, but I will also be visiting Tokyo! What you definitely don't know is that I will actually be visiting Tokyo TWICE :D Once as soon as I get to Korea, and again after classes are over.  I am so excited~~

I'll be hanging out with a couple of new friends, and I'm sure to have a great time! On the kink side of things, I'll be visiting a happening bar or two (bar where things 'happen' and pretty much anything goes, consensual of course ^^), visiting a huge sex shop in Akihibara where I might pick up some new toys~, and my friends are throwing me my own welcome party where I'll meet other kinky people and just have a great time doing.. whatever I want I guess hehe ;)  And this is only the first visit- for a weekend! Who knows what will happen when I visit at the end of the summer for over a week.... ^_~

Outside of kinky things, I'll be doing some other things including visiting a mixed-sex bathhouse. Fun fun bathing with the boys :P  I'm also planning on visiting Tsukiji Fish Market for the famous tuna auction. And I hope I can find some time to get over to Tokyo Disneyland or something.

That's just Tokyo! I'll be in Korea the majority of the summer and that's going to be fantastic, too~  Of course I'll be there to study, but I plan on having a lot of fun- I've missed Korea so much...  I can't wait to get back in Seoul- eating delicious foods, hitting the club scene- especially in Hongdae, and seeing some old friends again!

All in all, I just know this summer is going to be a great one and I just can't wait to get to it~!

In other news... before I get to this awesome summer, I have to pack up my apartment and move out T_T

^.^

I hate having financial burdens! Lol ,doesn't everyone? It just sucks because although the finances are all straight for my summer abroad (financial aid is settled, plane ticket is bought), I still have to survive here for a couple more months, and things are getting really tight. If I could just win a little money on a lottery ticket, that would be great. In addition to the job I already have, I think I'm going to start giving plasma (compensation is about $30 bucks per appointment, I believe). :/

Anyone who wants to donate to the "Save Kitty From Starvation/Eviction" fund, feel free!

I know that many people are probably in a similar boat as mine, so good luck to all of you out there who are having financial troubles yourself. May your fortunes turn quickly, and may mine, too.  hehe ^^

Yay, I was accepted into the summer school in Korea, so I will definitely be going to Seoul this summer! During that time, I am also planning on visiting Tokyo for a weekend! So if you live in Tokyo and might be interested in showing me around/hosting me at your place, let me know~ extra points of you are a cute Japanese Dominant with access to the Tokyo fetish scene, such as s&m clubs, etc. ^^  I hope I can have a lot of fun this summer and make lots of great new friends and memories in Korea and Japan~! ^.^

Might be heading back to Korea for an international summer school~~ ^.^  Although, I doubt I'll find a kinky sexy boyfriend in the month I'll be there, maybe I can check out a munch or something. At any rate, hopefully everything will work out and kink aside, at least be able to attend the summer school! Fighting~! ^_^

So... I think maybe it's time to take a break from CollarMe. I just don't think I am making any real connections on here..

What I want: A strong, Dominant Asian man who is NOT just looking for SEX. Regardless of the fact we met on a dating site of sorts, I still think a true connection is not too much to ask for. Is it?

Hoping and trying to find a cute Asian man who is into BDSM and Black girls IN GEORGIA was a bit silly I suppose. I thought this website would help me narrow it down. But... that is not the case. I feel like I would have better luck with not looking anymore and just waiting around for the right guy to sweep me off me feet (or throw me in the back of his car, whichever :P).

So... I just got this message from a user:

Hmm. And I checked out the profile. He starts off saying he is looking for an independent woman. But clearly my independence and zero bullshit tolerance intimidates him or something.

So if anyone else thinks that I am a pompous fraud, feel free to shove it and NOT message me, because normally when I see a profile I don't like, I don't send a message to that person attacking them and then blocking because I am too afraid to know what the reply might be. In this case, it wouldn't have been rude at all, because I occasionally like to fight fire with a glassy lake. But I wanted to know why that person would get that impression of me.

So if any users have any idea why someone might say that, I am a bit curious. You don't have to feel the same way, but if you see something and you're like 'oh maybe when he saw this he felt this way', feel free to share. Or if you actually do feel that way, there is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion in a respectful way, so go ahead.

Although it is probably better, as I said before, for you not to write in the first place if your panties will be wadded up as tightly as his(probably hers :P) were.

Have a good day my loyal subjects!!! muahahahaaha I must now go forth and tell the world how good I am! Oh by the way, I just came into a huge sum of money and if you send me your bank account information, I will send some of it to you from my grand home in Nigeria! If you don't... I'll jump, I swear!!!!!  And remember... black people are much better! Not really, but I sure am!!!!

*FIN*

Just received the following message from a "Dominant": "Bitch, whats your cell number"

Ha. <--- And that's exactly what I replied back.

Hm. I've been looking at pics of this fantastic rope work done by this cute Dom I finally got the nerve to message, and wow... I never really considered myself to be a rope slut or anything. I like bondage- the control it takes from me and gives to the Top or Dominant, the submissive and trust required to let someone take your ability to move from you... Which is perhaps why I don't have much experience with it haha. It takes an awful lot of trust in someone.

But when reading about that person's obsession with rope, and how he feels it's a way to communicate, and just looking at all the pictures, I began to wish I could become art in that way, too. But I'm not just looking for a quick fix! As tightly as a Dominant's rope could bind me, I hope that our hearts could be connected that tightly too.

It's so hard to find what I want. I mean, is it wrong that I'm attracted to Asian Dominants?? I don't even know why, it just became that way. Is it wrong to be picky and want more than just... sex, even if it kinky sex? I can have kinky sex! But is it wrong to want to be physically and emotionally attracted when I do it? And for that person to feel the same?

I feel if I could find the right person... i could truly embrace this dark, submissive, unknown side of me that has haunted me since childhood...

I feel like I'm just waiting for that guy to come along. Take me! Mold me! Tie me! Spank me! Guide me. Love me. And let me love and serve you.

~Lonely Kitten~

Anyong! Well I just got back from Korea a few days ago, and while I'm happy to be back on Georgia soil, I can't say I won't miss the land of morning calm... I guess living for one year in a country can make you rather attached to it. And all the cute Korean guys running around was definitely a plus, too.'

I didn't get on this site too much while I was in the ROK, mainly because I was a bit busy, and although I definitely plan on being busy here too, I've decided that I'll try to check in a bit more often.

I've never had much luck finding a serious relationship on this site, but you never know if the right thing or person for you is just around the next corner. So I guess it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye out, huh? ^_^

I think the problem with a lot of people on this site, is they assume that just because I'm on here, I'm some kind of crazed sex fiend. Well... I guess that might not be entirely untrue (:P), but it would be nice to meet a guy on here who actually wanted to take me on a real date and not just tie me up and fuck me rough.

Like my profile says, I do tend to be more attracted to Asian guys. So guys, please stop being offended because I don't want your "10 inches of hard black meat". I am not a racist, I just have a physical preference. I always like to put it this way: a lot of guys you meet, if you asked them if they would prefer a girl with long silky hair or a bald girl, they would probably choose the former (no offense to my beautiful bald ladies out there!). Does that mean they are a bad person? Of course not! It's a physical preference. I try my best not to be rude to anyone who messages me, but sometimes these people on here really push it with me.

Currently single in and out of the realm of BDSM, and not living with my ex boyfriend anymore (woo!), so don't be afraid to approach, my suitable bachelors. Happiness (and kinky sex) could be just one message away >_<