This place intimidates me and I'm starting to question to post here. I have no idea if the people here are serious, but suppose some must be, or why else would they be here?

I do not know how the chat room thingie works and I guess I'm a bit intimidated by the whole thing here. So I will take it easy, take my time, and be myself, who knows, perhaps there is actually someone out there for me.

Yet another hindrance to me is that I'm shy, and have such a hard time overcoming it. Oh, I know how to act socially, just in this bdsm journey of mine I seem to be so very unsure and have no idea on what to do,

It is the strangest thing, in my day to day life I have no problems whatsoever making decisions. I'm a professional and have hundreds of people working for me.

• So how come I can be commanding in my job and yet have this deep yearning to surrender to another person?
• How come I can make decisions that involved thousands of dollars on a daily basis, but I'm unable to express my desires to another person?
• How come I have no problem telling someone at work on what to do and how to do it if necessary, but in my private life I would love for someone else to make decisions?
• So how is it that I can negotiate deals and yet I'm simply not capable even putting into words some kinky desires.

suppose I'm destined to stay where I'm, unless I learn to make some fundamental changes about me and my life

Maybe I start here. Years ago I discovered my submission, or at least the feelings of submission. It started with someone pointing me to a book and I devoured the book. It was a strange sorta book, and portrayed a girls quest into her sisters death, taking her on a dark road of slavery and surrender and she herself got caught into that. In a strange way that book brought out feelings that I had no idea existed in me. It was so arousing that I had a hard time even comprehending the feelings and emotions that it manifested. Of course it did not stop there, I had to find out more to explore more to see that this was all about, but the moment I turned that first page in that book I was hooked.

I never did do more than read and explored on line and at first that was enough, but then the yearning grew more and more inside me, my clock ticking more and more. Yes I found excuses not to do more, like I want to loose 20 lbs, I want to have my life more together, I want to send my son to college, I want to get more education.

I'm running out of excuses, my time has come, the need for surrender burning inside me.. white hot and stark and not to be denied.