JadedSerenity

Ok, so i have simplified my life since my Grandmother has died. I watched people hover over her, obsess over her money and things, and it has made me take a look at my life a little closer. i am selling my home and i moved somewhere smaller. it is perfect for me, one bedroom, a small kitchen, a bathroom and a living room. it's not much but it is mine. traded in the truck, looking for a little beater car now. working enough hours to pay my bills, cause lets face it, most every "chick" (and i  put  that in " " because lets be honest, 60% of the so called chicks on this site are really just dudes looking to scam money) but almost every "chick " on this site is looking for some chump to send her money. well guess what.... I DONT NEED OR WANT YOUR MONEY!!!

yes really, i do not need or want anyone to send me money, i have my own thank you very much. and now that my life outside of this site is being simplified, it is time for me to simplify my life on this site as it were. 

Here's the thing guys. Some people on this site are REAL, or well...   i can't speak for people on this site. just myself, so let me rephrase that last statement. I am on this site and I am REAL. the feelings, emotions, attitudes (when i have one) they are all real. i am not just pixels and print on a screen. if you want to talk to me, do so respectfully and you will get respectful in return. come at me with an attitude because i don't bow and scrape to you the second you "grace" me with a message from you... well hey, i know how to help that too... it's called showing you where you get get off, and no NOT sexually, unless you are secretly a masochist and want someone's boot up your ass. 

I burn to make you understand
One wrong word and it all may come crashing down
For the fates are devious by heart
They envy you your dreams, so they'll let you drown

And there is no why, there is no how, it's like the sky, just one free flow
But you're here right now, and this is your show, so take a bow, cos the show is on right...

Here and now with all dreams realized
Would you choose still more time to do
Don't fall down when it's time to arise
No-one else can heal your wounds

Once again taboo becomes your law
What you want seems taken by another tide turning
Away from our flower field where we used to lay beneath the sky,
riding dreams to some other side

Do they burn, the wishes whispered, like secrets, they yearn, just to be heard
I'm done with questions, I have no answers, the choice is yours, cos the show is on right...

Here and now...

The bigger the lies
The more they want to believe them
And like a vice
Hold on to what they believe in

Here and now with all dreams realized
Would you choose still more time to do
Don't fall down when it's time to arise
No-one else can heal your wounds

Here and now with all dreams realized
Would you choose still more time to do
Don't fall down cos I need you to rise
No-one else can heal my wounds

The last few days have been extremely hard on me. To lose someone who has, not only taken care  me my entire childhood, but who has loved me my whole entire life. who has supported every decision, good or bad, offered their advice and forgiven every mistake and bad decision i have made. and then to have to deal with a mother, who has, for lack of a better term, been a cunt... my entire life. who has abused, not only physically, but emotionally, psychologically, and verbally, my entire life. who calls me stupid and calls her other children, brothers, mother and father, worthless, pathetic, ignorant, dumb ass piece of shit. 

Yesterday, silly as it seems. a 37 year old woman became an orphan. realized hat her mother never loved her, and the only reason her brothers and sisters never had anything to do with her because she wanted and had a relationship with an abuser and they could not watch the hell she was living. i have spent the last week in tears. in secret because the woman who was supposed to love me would berate me and call me  stupid for mourning the passing of a loved one. 

hopefully, soon, it will get better. hopefully, i can clear my head and get back to where i know i should be. and hopefully soon i will be fit to be the ONE's girl and know i am loved, protected, guided into making right decisions without the fear of....

Ok, so, here's the thing. people keep asking me, what do i want? well i do not know exactly what i want because i have not found it, but i do keep finding what i do not want, so let me answer this question. "what do i not want?" 

One: i do not want a male. that is not to say that i do not want the one i am with to be male, it just means that just because you are male of this species that i will be with you. i want a man. a REAL man. 

A real man is, in my opinion, Someone who can and will be honest without fear of hurting my feelings, but also someone who will take into consideration, my feelings and be careful of the words he uses. Tact... a word that most men today have no clue as to what it means. LOOK IT UP!!!

Two: i do not want a man who is good looking by today's standards. i would much rather have a man who is happy, easy going, fun to be around whether he is fat, skinny, geeky, whatever. I have found, in my adult life, that the good looking guys are shallow and conceited and they do not want women like me. and if they do, it's to humiliate or degrade. I am just as human as they are and i deserve the same respect and consideration as the perfect size 6 barbies in this world. 

Three: i do not want someone who has no sense of humor, if you cannot take a joke, if you cannot laugh at yourself and find humor in a situation, it is best not to contact me at all. 

I will add more to the list of things that i do not want in a Man as i find it, i know, that already i have cut my chances of finding my perfect match by about 85% with this, but that is what this is for, to weed out the ones i do not want to find the one who not only wants me but that i want as well

LOL this was emailed to me from one of my best friends. He knew i was feeling a bit down and wanted to make me smile. just goes to show that friends even the ones who do not speak to each other every day, if they are true friends can still know when things need to be lightened 

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I 
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the 
hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky 
tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your 
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That 
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and 
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably 
worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it 
back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,  and 
it holds the universe together.

18 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


                 and the one i like

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on 
the same night.

I have, in the past, used my journals to get things off my chest. and usually, it has not been in the most subtle ways. i have been blunt and straight forward and sometimes with very little tact. however, this time, i am going to try something  different. 

I am tired. I am tired emotionally and physically, and mentally as well. What i am tired of mostly is this, all of the fake people, on this site and sites like this one. People who say one thing one day and the next they forget who you are or what you have talked about. and i am tired of being seen as little more than words on a screen. 

I am a human being. a Submissive, i have a heart and i am strong, but that does not mean strength is not a submissive quality. it is. submissives have to have more strength than anyone else could ever possibly imagine, or even admit to. Most people i have spoken to think that all a submissive has to do is let a dominant or master take charge and everything will be alright. well that's not how it works. we have to be strong enough to accept things that we may not like or understand. We have to be strong enough to let go of our fears, our selfish desires and the need to question why a dominant or a master would have us do something. and most of all we have to have the strength enough to believe, to have faith in someone enough to know that they DO have our best interests at heart. 

When a Submissive does let go of all her fears and doubts, all we have left is the hope that our faith is not misplaced. well, recently, mine was, not in a relationship of a Submissive and her  Dominant, but in a friendship. If we, as a people, cannot be friends and have trust and faith in them, how can we ever have faith and trust enough to move that friendship into the future or any kind of relationship after that?