Why does everyone believe that a slave is always a slave? That we are not human beings devoid and stripped of our personhood before the one(s) we have deemed worthy to hold it in safe keeping - offered it up on the alter of a bond which, although not love exactly, is stronger than Death itself. Perhaps it is Death in that it changes us beyond recognition. Once rational, we become so consumed in our effort to see that precious smile that we will do anything to see it directed at us. We will tolerate things which make our skin crawl, our blood boil, and think we have put ourself in the hands of a Crazy Person.

This type of devotion is not about love. It is about something stronger than love, stronger than the fear of Death and stronger than the Grave itself. This is not about power exchange. This is about something deeper. This is about giving until we have been bled dry - because, in our Leader's own way, those we have deemed worthy to lead us give until they are bled dry. It is not power we are bled dry from, though. It is trust, honor, service and integrity. "Love" is an illusion. "Power" is delusional. Our Leaders cannot stop the world from turning, bring us back to life or heal a broken bone by wishing it to be so. "Love" is a chemical reaction in the brain - neurotransmitters, axons firing and a drive to procreate. No - those we are devoted to deserve far more than these chemical reactions, these delusions. We do not see the fights they fight. We are protected at every fucking angle from these internal struggles.

Yet - and listen to me well here - our chosen Leaders are human also!! The Sovereigns, Lords and Ladies of our hearts and souls are not unending fountains of strength. They fuck up the same as we do. They experience pain, loss, fear and we don't appreciate them. We are so wrapped up in our fantasy of this God on a Pedestal that we fail to see the human being behind it. Sometimes, wires get crossed - that person so near and dear to us hurts or has a bad day and we bear the brunt of the anger held inside. Wear this pain as a badge of honor - you are seeing the softer side and your Leader is comfortable enough to show you in some small way the pain and weakness that the HUMAN BEING is experiencing inside. Although, sometimes it can be confusing as hell to try and figure out exactly how to help them process their bad day.

So, while the fantasy is great and all, give me the person. The strong Leader, yes, but when I gave myself over to those I have chosen to devote myself entirely to for now and always - my Family of my Heart - I sacrified my personhood before the human beings before I did the Leader. If a slave cannot do that on the day it chooses to make this sacred sacrifice, it is not now - nor will ever be - worthy of the station as I experience this aspect or my life. This takes a quiet strength and a devotion beyond all reason. Learn these concepts well - they will keep you upright and honorable.

I am, in my own way, a Gladiator.

My Lord must love a challenge because he has put up with me for two years.

I am highly intelligent. It does not often come across when I speak due to my hearing difficulties, but I am constantly watching. Communication to me comes down to reading body language, reading tone of voice and piecing together the 60% of the words that I can comprehend. I may not be able to put into verbal words why I have reached the conclusions that I have, but I know it just as certain as if someone had a flashing neon sign. Give me a pen and paper, however, and I am positively lethal in a debate.

Because of the challenges in communication, the exponential compounding effect that stress/fear/uncertainty has on these already difficult communication challenges and my unbreakable sense of ethics and justice, I will often be perceived by those who attempt to master me with a heavy hand in an outright fashion as being willful, disobedient and impossible to control. I have been told outright by one Owner that he was starting to wonder if I was even a slave because of these characteristics.

After two years of leading this stubborn old mule, I asked my Lord if he found me "impossible" as so many others have told me in the past. He chuckled and, eyes twinkling with love behind the lenses of his spectacles, he simply told me the following:

"You cannot be controlled by someone who is not at least as intelligent as you are. While you do challenge me, you are not all that difficult to control. My control is far more indirect than what you've been accustomed to in the past, but you are moving in the direction that I want at the pace I predicted when I first took you on. Those who have tried to master you through force were not intelligent enough to understand the way your mind works. If you know something, you will stand your ground in a pissing contest with God Himself. If someone is going to control you through outright force, it is necessary to hit you where you don't have sufficient data. When you haven't had a chance to do your research, your natural inclination is to submit and follow. You challenge my knowledge. You challenge my conclusions. I have grown as a Man and a Leader because of your presence in my life. You are not difficult to control - you just require someone to meet or exceed your level of intellect. That is not an easy thing to find."

If you had told me four years ago that I would be where I am today: A business owner, a service professional to a House who I am proud to be associated with and a family where I am accepted for who I am, I would have laughed in your face under my breath and wondered about your sanity.

Thank the gods I do not choke on these words as I have in the past: I am the lucky one. Not because I correctly saw a situation for the mess it was and took action to ensure that I was as separate as I could be from the fallout. Not because I had outsmarted an Owner to keep as much peace in the House as I could. No, I am the lucky one because I am finally in a safe place where the elephants in the room are acknowledged and dealt with. I am the lucky one because I no longer need to outsmart the Leadership because the elephants are not being dealt with. I am the lucky one because I am not under the hand of someone who is unjust; rather, I am insanely lucky that my Lord treats me with a kind, just, patient and ethical touch.

Those who have seen the transformation over the past two years from the frantic crazy woman who showed up at the munch back in 2013 (which that entire year is still a confused blur) to the strong, confidant woman my Lord calls his "Nuclear Attack Sub" have seen the change that the strongest form of mastery is to inspire confidence in the ability, awareness and ethics of the one leading. If an Owner accomplishes this, his slave will willingly - and without hesitation - lay down its life for him.

My time in active slavery taught me a great deal. I have learned what it takes to keep me healthy and productive mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I learned first-hand the dangers of attachment and expectations. I also learned a great deal about leadership – both what it is and what it is not.

That’s the thing: The Divine brings individuals into our lives for a reason … it is either to be a blessing or a lesson. Truly, in the end, there are no friends or enemies. There are only teachers. People always teach through example: They will either show us what characteristics we wish to emulate or what characteristics we wish as far away from our lives as possible.

While I would not change either the experiences I had or the friendships I found during my time up North, I will never again do something as foolish as move to be with someone. I know this is something that everyone harps on when speaking about keeping yourself safe, but I am about to expound upon this lesson and speak to you bluntly and frankly what experience has taught me about these sorts of situations:

People will tell you anything online.

Even if you ask for references, how well do you know any of the people who are vouching for this individual? You’re taking the word of complete strangers about this individual that you are thinking about moving in with. The wheat can only be separated from the chaff through the behavior and actions of the other individual. That will tell you the truth of the situation and the truth of the matter. Whether Owner or property, one needs to watch the other individual in a variety of situations to get an honest “feel” for that person. This sort of “feel” cannot be accomplished through online interaction – nor can this be accomplished through several week-long visits. It can only be accomplished by watching how this individual handles hardships, joy, disappointment and love: Day-in, day-out. Remember, this is an individual you are entrusting with your very life or reputation – this is not a game to be taken lightly. Without the actions to back up what they are saying, then there is nothing there worth trusting to that level at that point in time.

Because people will tell you anything online, understand that someone you meet online may or may not give you full disclosure. I don’t care if this is “I’m using you to prove to my primary partner/sub that I love her because she cannot believe my words by my neglect of you and any other slaves I have in my care” or “I was sexually assaulted as a child and have flashbacks which make it impossible for me to tell reality from what is in my head” – which are merely two of the real-life examples of some of the malicious omissions made at the negotiating table that I personally know about - nobody walks outside butt-ass naked. This sort of behavior, while reprehensible, is an unpleasant fact of existence in this way of life. Without the ability to personally observe the actions of the prospective Master or slave coupled with the vetting process, speaking with people that you personally know and trust about a prospective, you are gambling with your very life should you decide to blindly trust an individual that you cannot know and cannot vet due to being so far away and traveling in different circles.

Another lesson that I learned during my time in slavery is that I will never againkneel before someone simply because an Owner has instituted hierarchy from the top down. To demand that I kneel before someone who has not earned that privilege from me is to not respect my humanity. This does not mean that I will show disrespect to those I serve alongside; rather, this means that the entire notion of a “First Slave” who has whipping rights or who I am expected to call “Mistress” is an affront to both the station of Owner and the station of slave. Who I kneel before is the only decision which is left to me as a slave. If an individual has not demonstrated through action, word and character the behavior of someone I am comfortable with leading me, I will give the respect due a fellow servant, but I will never kneel until and unless that has been agreed upon between the other servant and myself. NOBODY has the right to tell me what my my other relationships which do not involve that person will look like. I don't care what "station" this person believes s/he holds in my life. I will never again allow such blatant disrespect towards myself or the institution of M/s in my personal relationship dynamics. Because I believe that no healthy M/s dynamic can exist without mutual respect running both from the top down and from the bottom up, I am firmly convinced that effective leadership is chosen from the ground up rather than from the top down. In my experience, to pretend that the Owner has the right to dictate how the Kennel is to interact among one another (aside from showing each other the respect due to a fellow servant) or to dictate who is in charge of whom is to create a hostile home environment which is unstable, unhealthy and highly volatile. In short, the Owner ensures that he has a toxic home environment for everyone involved with the Household when the hierarchy is imposed from the top down.

I am not going to make these mistakes again – and I hope that, in sharing and owning up to my previous poor judgment as well as the lessons I took away from that experience, I will be able to spare others the long and difficult road to recovery I have spent the past two and a half years working my way towards. If I can do that for just one person, the entire experience was worth it.

The long and short of this is to LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP.

Always value yourself and what you bring to the table - whether it is Owner or property, Top or bottom, Master/Mistress or slave. Each of us have a world to share with the ones we love and with whom are closest. Never sell your birthright for a bowl of gruel. God didn't have time to create a nobody - just a somebody. Never underestimate yourself or sell yourself short. Get out there and shine! Be somebody that you would want to spend time with. Someday, someone just and ethical will emerge and will encourage your dreams, value your quirks and support your vision. It is better to have a full existence without an Owner or a slave than to have a half-existence in a toxic environment for you.

I have learned a great deal over the past year and a half. I have grown by leaps and bounds and I am finally starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together from the past four years. After I have completed the Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life by Jan Black and Greg Enns at the encouragement of my therapist and psychiatrist, I am starting to truly put the missing pieces of the puzzle together. To be honest, I gawked at my therapist when she initially told me "No healthy relationship can exist without boundaries." Now that I have completed the first steps in understanding what boundaries are all about, I must begrudgingly agree with her.

It has been proven time and again that those who seek Power and Control are the least capable of withstanding the corruption that it brings. Even with the best of intentions at the start of the journey, by the end of it, they will abuse that Power. The first lesson came easily: Those who seek power are already three-fourths of the way corrupt and should not have it whatsoever.

When a human being does not have boundaries - or allows those boundaries to be set by someone else - life becomes chaotic. It goes this way and that on the whim or threat of the Master, who is already corrupted by his own perceived Power. The slave is subjected to internal anarchy as s/he tries to follow the ever-changing boundaries of the Master, which results in personal warfare and the ultimate death of a vibrant life. With boundaries being placed in the hands of the Power-Mad, the good things that the slave means to do will become easily choked out with activities and roles accepted from a place of obligation rather than passion. A life lived long enough in this state and the slave will eventually lose interest in life. It will feel as if life has become anemic, with just enough energy to stay alive. The slave will eat, sleep, work, groan, feel used and fulfill basic responsibilities rather than live and love fully, work hard and nobly or contribute passionately to the Household and the world at large. The slave will eventually give up, become hopeless and likely experience some degree of depression and/or anxiety. I know I certainly did - to the point of becoming actively suicidal over my lack of boundaries.

I say all of that to say this: It is impossible for me to thrive without strong boundaries. The most stable boundaries are rooted in the ability to truly treasure myself. Boundaries built upon the ownership of my life, my passion and my Core Self will free me up to fulfill my mission and use my talents and abilities to contribute to the good of those around me. I will be able to do this because I will have less distraction, chaos, guilt, irresponsibility, missed opportunities and/or spoiled relationships. I will be able to be a more trusted servant because I will be able to state clearly what I can and cannot do, offer workable alternatives, welcome input, work passionately without burnout and stick to projects and jobs that suit my strength and abilities. I will also be better able to withstand criticism.

This is my life. I will chose to live it with purpose, passion and determination and in a manner reflecting my True Core Self.

I cannot count the number of times that I have read poly individuals liken their love for their partners as a parent does a child. “Just because someone has another child does not diminish the love felt for the other children. Love just grows.” Frankly, the comparison is hardly adequate because these same individuals do not take the same attitudes which mitigate the problem of sibling rivalry. As a matter of fact, most of the unicorn hunters that I have both been involved with and have been an outside witness to take every opportunity to encourage discord, strife and drama within their households to try and mitigate primary jealousy. Some even use the peripheral as a means to prove love to his/her primary through neglect of the secondary. That this sort of behavior happens so often leaves me scratching my head, thinking to myself “Poly is only for those who are either 1) desperate or 2) have no sense of self-worth/self-esteem.”

Hear me out for a moment. My sister, brother and I have a rock-solid relationship and bond. There was hardly any sibling rivalry among us, even though my sister and I are almost two years apart. We have defended each other to the point of instigating violence against the offending party – me towards an abusive boyfriend of hers and her against my school-yard bullies. My brother chased my sister’s cheating husband off the road and almost beat the shit out of him when my brother caught him red-handed with his girlfriend – and would have if my Dad hadn’t stopped him. For all my parent’s failures, the one thing that they did was ensure that my siblings and I were secure enough in our place in the family at large so that we could bond with one another in a healthy fashion. So-called poly “families” do not do that in my experience.

So, how did they ensure that there was little-to-no bickering or drama between their children?

1) THEY DID NOT PLAY FAVORITES. How many times do you hear women who agree to poly because their boyfriends/husbands want it but they do not say “nobody is going to come between me and him! That is my boyfriend/husband/partner and I’m the only one collared/married to him! The rest are just for sex! That’s MY man!” By my observations, this type of posturing is done by those who really are not secure enough in their own person or in their relationship enough to expand it to include others. In my opinion, if you’re going to play “primary privilege” then you really do need to sit down and evaluate whether the relationship is stable enough to add more people into the mix.

2) THEY DID NOT ALLOW BULLYING. Want to pick a fight? Fine. It did not matter who started the fight, they finished it! When my siblings and I fought, they did not take sides. They punished ALL the culprits because it takes two to quarrel.

3) WE DID THINGS AS A FAMILY. We enjoyed time together with our other siblings. I can remember all sorts of games of Crazy 8s and Old Maid played with Nanny, my siblings and I. Warm memories which are shared strengthened our bonds and it made forgiveness a great deal easier when someone’s feelings got hurt from a sideway’s statement.

4) THEY DID NOT COMPARE US TO THE OTHER SIBLINGS. Each human being is unique. Just because one person is this way does not mean that the others should be just like that. Frankly, the person who tells relationship B “You’re supposed to be like relationship A. She doesn’t do/does x, y, z!” should not wonder why his household is in shambles and is unhealthy. Such an individual has nobody to blame but himself for the constant strife he is bringing upon everyone in his household.

5) THEY CELEBRATED OUR UNIQUE QUALITIES. My siblings and I would roll our eyes when we were told “You’re my favorite oldest/middle daughter/son. Nobody can ever take your place. I love all my kids the same.” The response was always the same from each of us: “That’s because I’m your only oldest/middle daughter/son!” But it always reassured us, though. It reassured us that we belonged where we were at. We had a special place that nobody else in the world could fill in their lives. It was something that we could go to the bank on. It doesn’t mean that we were treated the same all the time. But the amount of love that bound us to our family was the same. The relationships may have been different because they were with different people, but the amount of love was across the board. There were no favorites. Nobody was taking our place – and nobody could fill the void if something happened to us. Just as nobody could fill the void they would leave behind should something happen to them.

6) THEY SPENT TIME ONE-ON-ONE WITH EACH OF US. Time is a huge deal to me. It is my primary love language and the primary way that I show/understand that I am cared for and cared about. Whether it was ripping apart a book for theme, allegory, analogy and symbolism with Dad or my sister’s guitar lesson with Dad … Whether it was spending time with Mom having girl talk while she picked the zits on my adolescent face and respecting my sister’s time with her doing the same … It showed that there were no favorites. It showed us that they were just in their treatment and what was expected. It showed that there was a cohesive unit and we all looked out for the others in that unit. In short, it showed us that there was no “I” in TEAM.

These short comings are true even in the animal kingdom. I am reminded of Penny Pup-Pup. She had what is commonly referred to as Second Dog Syndrome. What is not commonly known is that dogs prefer the company of humans to other dogs. Also, dogs cannot tell the difference between good attention and bad attention. They comprehend attention and being ignored – and being ignored is one of the worst pains that a dog can experience. Back to my story: Penny came into the house as a companion to my brother’s Jack Russell Terrier rather than as a dog who had her own place within the family. As a result of the lack of attention, Penny would hold her poops until she came into the house and would poop all over the house several times. My parents have since separated and Penny now lives with my Dad. Do you know that dog has not pooped in the house the first time? Why? She now has the attention of her person. She sleeps with Dad, she curls up next to him while he is working from home. She is praised when she brings a squirrel that she has hunted, killed and presented to Dad. She is finally able to get all her doggie needs met – physical, mental and emotional. How many peripheral relationships are in exactly the same boat as poor Penny was when she was living in a multi-dog household?

Please understand that I am not against poly relationships or pleural dynamics. They have been part of my life for a decade. I am in a healthy, thriving and functional pleural relationship right now as we speak. These are just my thoughts when I see or hear someone use the analogy of parents’ love for their children as a way to show that love does not diminish but multiples. In truth, it can multiply, but it takes a concerted effort on the part of the leadership to make it healthy for all involved.

Doris Day. June Cleaver. Donna Reed. Sandra Dee. All my life I have been groomed to be this caricature. Don't do this - don't do that - it will give the wrong impression. It will entice men into thinking you're an easy target. All my life I have tried to maintain a level of innocence, secretly waiting for the one to come and defile that which was built up. Someone someday surely would crack the sugary sweet shell. Someday.

Well, that's all well and good, but most don't know the depth of depraved wanton need that I have buried. How strong the masochistic need is. Or how deep I am down this rabbit hole I need to be taken down. Because of the sugar and spice exterior, people assume I am fluffy bunny. Some sort of China doll that is fragile and easily breakable. Waterboarding, isolation, interrogation. The only fantasy I have that involves penetration ends in my death. Even the dollification fantasy I have involves the extreme.

It apparently isn't that I am not pretty, it is that most don't know how to handle the inner workings of the most intimate side I have. They see the squeaky, sparkly and happy girl - believe there is an ounce of what most would count as "sensuality" - but start to believe there is something fundamentally wrong because they are not ready for what is underneath the sparkles. The need that drives me - to be defiled, to be challenged, left to face and overcome the darkness which only someone who isn't afraid to first look inside to face his own darkness can provide. To lose myself in the pain and to cry tears I cannot release any other way.

Look into your own darkness before you ask me to open up mine to you. And, when your own darkness threatens to overtake you, reach out to me and share your intimate hidden places. I am strong enough. I am tired of being alone in the dark. Let me share the dark with one who has first faced his own dark nature. Don't ask me to share this side of me and then turn away from it. Let me share this darkness.

I am monogamous by nature with poly tendencies.

What I mean by this is that, while I have "Tribes" which I align myself with, I am there as a member of their family rather than a partner they view romantically. Those within my extended Tribe are my Aunts, Uncles, Mother, Father, sisters and brothers. They know that they can call upon me day or night and I will drop everything and run to their side should they call for me in a time of real need. I will move Heaven and Earth for them and walk through Hell if called upon. For some, I have faced betrayal, ridicule and physical harm. The hell I have walked through for them has been one of the major problems which has forced me back into the mental health system after years of being able to cope on my own. I have put the money where my mouth is - and I would do it again.

With that said, there seems to be a misunderstanding about who and what I am willing to accept at this point in my life. At most, I tolerate poly as most of this Community defines the word. To be sure, this is not because of some archaic belief system. This is not because I am anti-sex. This is because I place romantic and emotional connection upon a pedestal. It is the one place that has not been tainted or sullied by what I have been forced to play silent witness, unwilling accomplice or had abused to the point that I threw it away as a colossal lie fed to a pack of fools. I am still a romantic. I am far too romantic to sell myself short as a lifetime of "second rate lover" or "consolation prize." I simply refuse to give the most sacred parts of my soul to someone who is already taken - or who I know will, eventually, take another. As the largest tool I have against my own mental illness is STABILITY, I cannot allow myself to become attached on any deep emotional level to those within my tribe. I may love them (some of them in spite of themselves), respect them and have a rock-solid bond with them - but I do not allow myself romantic attachments with them.

I enjoy long-term tenures as a peripheral dynamic simply because I remain highlyaware of my precarious position. I always have been every time that I have entered into a tenure to a poly Household - all four of them which I have served under and served beside. I may call the place we all live as "home" but I am never free to actually believe that it is my home. This is not the place I will nest, my name is not on the lease or the title. My wishes for how the house will be decorated will never be heard or even asked about - and this is as it should be. Why? Because it is not mine. Those are not my decisions. I never lose sight of the fact that, at any time, the wife of any of my Masters could shout: "It is her or me!" And I would be out on the street because the Head of House made legal and binding vows. The courts do not recognize the "sanctity" of poly dynamics and relationships. He would lose everything that he has if he kept me - or any peripheral that the wife said that about. She has him over a barrel, so to speak.

There is no stability as a peripheral relationship - and it bothers me to no end to see people who attach themselves to that "star" without first being honest with themselves about what they are choosing or asking another sentient human soul to choose on their behalves, so that everyone can prepare for the worst possible outcome. To not address this is nothing short of irresponsible on everyone'spart, in my humble opinion. I am honest with myself - both about my relationship situations (past and present) and why poly is not sustainable long-term for me. It is not sustainable long-term because I live with a mental illness. The largest and most effective tool I have to fight my disease is stability. Because poly, by its very nature, CANNOT offer that stability, for my own protection, I will not open up in a poly relationship/dynamic. I will always hold a part of myself back from those partners who are poly. I will always be in a state of "half-existence" fighting both my own desires, my own nesting instinct and my own emotional need for love while involved in a poly situation. Sometimes, such as this point in my life, I am not on solid enough ground to offer a whole and healthy human being toanybody. Poly will either offer me the chance to work on myself or it will completely annihilate what is left of my sanity. I have seen it do both. As I have stated before, poly is a state of intensity: It is either really good for those involved or it destroys everything it touches with its toxicity. There is no "moderation" in poly based upon my experience and observation.

All I am saying to anybody looking at me with eyes filled with desire thinking that "I want that in my Household! What an incredible addition - intelligent, healthy, strong-willed, tenacious and fierce! What a beauty! She has been other's unicorn before - and is now currently a unicorn - so she won't mind one bit coming over to my House with my wife and five other slaves. She will be searching for someone at some point! I will have that once she starts looking!" is to take a step back and actually LOOK at what I say in my profile. I have never been, I am not now, nor will I ever be, a couple's unicorn. Keep in mind that, while I have served loyally and with dogged devotion to any Master and couple that I have been under, I will NEVER allow myself deep emotional connections with my Owners. To come at me as anything other than a SINGLE Love Sadist is to doom yourself to failure long-term because I am monogamous by nature. I will not settle for anything less than monogamy when I begin searching for somewhere to call myhome.

I am worth more than being an "afterthought" or an "option." I am worthy to be free to truly love with all that I have and all that I am - and to have that love returned. I am worthy to work beside someone who will share a deep love and an unshakable bond without always being painfully aware that I am "disposable." I am worthy of a mate and a home where words like "How are we going to explain you?" are never uttered. I am worthy to be introduced to my mate's family as "wife/girlfriend/mate/partner" and not have sideways glances thrown my way. I am worthy of being able to take someone to my family and be able to state proudly "This is my mate/husband/wife/partner" and not have my family give me and my mate the "evil eye." I will die with my Tribe by my side and never have a mate before I will sell myself short. I have a great deal to offer the Right One -yes, that is a singular One - not plural one(s) - and I will give freely when I find a Love Sadist. Just, hear me when I say:

DO NOT PROJECT YOUR DESIRE FOR A SECOND/PERIPHERAL UPON ME! DO NOT THINK YOU ARE THE SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE WHICH WILL CHANGE MY MIND!

Please - don't test me on this. Dragon has been nothing short of an angel in helping me get my feet back under me. He came into this knowing that I was not okay with poly anymore after what I had witnessed. He consented to give me a safe place and to help me work through the ungodly amount of damage that life had thrown my way. There is nobody who could match him as far as giving me a safe place which to work through this. To expect me to reenter slavery to a poly House right now in my frame of mind would spiritually, mentally and physically be the last straw. Right now, I am not seeking a Trainer or to continue my journey as a slave. I am not strong enough yet. I am just starting to relearn how to hope again. I am just starting to relearn that goals are safe to have and work towards seeing achieved. I am just starting to even learn about personal boundaries - and that no healthy relationship can exist without them. For me to reenter slavery would be to kill what little amount of fledgling positive progress that I am seeing in my life and the healing which is happening. DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF!

Peripheral relationships are a game best played by the young who are still discovering themselves and exploring. I am not a spring chicken anymore. The nesting instinct is too strong to accept a position as "less than" or someone that my partners act as if they are ashamed of in polite company. I would like to, at some point, find the stability that love can offer. I would like to be able to, someday, find the one person who can be my best friend, my companion and my lover - without the constant fear, lies and passive/aggressive behavior which I have found to be practically a defining staple in poly relationship dynamics. In short, I want to find my "One" so that I can give myself permission to truly bond. This is something that will never be allowed in poly as a single secondary. I want something that poly will never provide me with: Home.

All I am asking is that nobody get any bright ideas. Don't shove it in my face that I'm only worth a peripheral place in someone's life. While it is likely not what is intended when an already attached suitor approaches me or Dragon, by asking me to jump ship from a safe harbor to (yet another) situation that is not what I am truly seeking and is actually counter to what it is that I will be seeking eventually, by the very action of asking me to join (yet another) House as a peripheral relationship/dynamic, you are doing more harm than good. If you're not what I would consider eligible by being unattached, then do me a favor: Don't ask.

"The discipline which makes the soldiers of a free country reliable in battle is not to be gained by harsh or tyrannical treatment. On the contrary, such treatment is far more likely to destroy than to make an Army. It is possible to impart instruction and give commands in such a manner and such a tone of voice as to inspire in the Soldier no feeling, but an intense desire to obey, while the opposite manner and tone of voice cannot fail to excite strong resentment and a desire to disobey. The one mode or the other of dealing with subordinates springs from a corresponding spirit in the breast of the commander. He who feels the respect which is due to others cannot fail to inspire in them respect for himself. While he who feels, and hence manifests, disrespect towards others, especially his subordinates, cannot fail to inspire hatred against himself."

~ General John M. Schofield's address to the Graduating Class of 1879 at West Point

Holds true for M/s, also.

So, I'm on Facebook and this image comes through my feed which got me thinking very strongly about the loyalty of a dog to its owner and the loyalty a slave has to its owner. You know what? The same notion applies to a slave. If you cannot love a slave as a full member of your family, then do not seek one.

Slaves can come across as the strongest sons of bitches on the face of the earth because so many of us have known harm, abuse and neglect. We have felt the paralyzing sting of betrayal from the very people who had sworn to protect and defend us. Far too many of us sold ourselves out and short-changed ourselves by giving everything to those who did not have our best interest at heart. That disgusting "means alone" type of mentality from those who were in positions of authority - be they parents, friends, lovers or previous power-mad Owners, the end result is always the same: We - and the station/position these people had in our lives - were betrayed. Eventually, the hurt and betrayal scar over, but the stench remains upon our hearts and souls. A slave, eventually, can become hardened. If it happens enough, it will eventually happen - a slave is still a human after all and we do learn and adapt.

We take on too much responsibility for what happens, fearing that what we do not take responsibility for and own about our lives, we cannot change. After power has been abused and the sanctity of whatever position these betrayers had in our lives that we once held so holy, it becomes almost impossible to trust again. Thus, the cycle repeats itself. Evil begets evil. Betrayal begets betrayal.

I can hear the following statement coming out of my friend's mouths now: "You are so vocal in your belief that love and M/s cannot mix! Are you recanting your previous Working Conclusion?" Heaven above, no! There is a difference between loving a slave as a family member and being in love with the slave. If you are incapable of doing the following, you have no business owning a slave:

• If you are using a slave to prop up your failing confidence - you have no business owning a slave.
• If you are using a slave to "fix" your failing relationship with another - you have no business owning a slave.
• If you are incapable to listening to a slave's concerns - you have no business owning a slave.
• If you are incapable of being a steady hand in a slave's life - you have no business owning a slave.
• If you are incapable of self-improvement and continuing to learn and grow in your own personal and spiritual life - you have no business owning a slave, who is trusting you to provide growth opportunities.
• If you need a scapegoat to blame all your problems upon - you have no business owning a slave.

Owners - or those believing that such behavior is okay - not only have no business owning human property, but have failed in their Moral Obligation to their fellow Man to treat every human as an End Unto Himself and are without honor:

• If you are using a slave to "prove something" to anybody else - you have no business owning a slave.
• If you are using a slave to cheat on your spouse - you have no business owning a slave.
• If you are using a slave as a ticket to retirement - you have no business owning a slave.

A Leather Family/Intentional Community/Kink Household can be more important to a slave than blood ties. Historically, Leather Families/Kink Households were often created because those within them had been unjustly disowned for their sexuality. Leather is thicker than blood because - all too often - this is all that those within them had. To expect a slave to wear your collar and refuse to treat him as family is to relive that betrayal. To betray the sanctity of Intentional Community and Family of Choice is actually a worse betrayal than blood family betrayal. Leather/Kink Family is not "adopted" Family - IT IS FAMILY!

Family does the following:

• It serves what is in the best interest of those within its circle.
• It never gives up on those within its circle.
• It protects those within its circle - even if it means protecting the individual from himself.
• It fights for those within its circle - and with those within its circle.
• It loves and respects those within its circle.
• It is always there for those within its circle - whether for celebration or for mourning.
• It admits when it was wrong.
• It includes those within its circle in major decisions.

It all boils down to this:

Family is there for one another!!

If you are incapable of doing these things, then there is no part of you that is ready for the rigors of Ownership.

There is an enormous difference between polish and class.  It is the difference between what one is believed to be and what one is.  It is the difference between possessing decorum and possessing character.  It is the difference between possessing the grace of a ballerina and possessing the grace of an angel.

The true test of who is in possession of class rather than polish is found when the chips are down.  The person of higher caliber will offer soft answers when wronged because we are all human and we all make mistakes.  The person of higher caliber will show patience in the face of hostility – even rage – because we realize that anger does not solve anything.  At most, anger is a motivator for change; however, it should never be a guiding force in our lives.  It is taking the higher road – even though that road is treacherous and will leave further scars.  It is giving until there is nothing more to offer.  And, once all is given, class is forgiveness even when there is no hope of restitution.  A classy person knows that forgiveness frees the person giving it more than it ever will the one who wronged us.  Forgiveness is not allowing those wrongs to motivate us rather than offering the perpetrator restitution to cause more pain, havoc and chaos in our lives.

Polish is a sports car, plastic surgery, clothing and a forced smile to hide a dead and wilted soul.  It is possible to gold-plate shit and still have the appearance of wearing 24 karat gold – just as it is possible to hide a golden nugget by covering it in shit.  In short, polish is about covering our flaws so we do not have to deal with them, while the truly refined realize our flaws and work hard to overcome them.

Money can buy polish, but class is priceless. 

In the decade or so since I have been incorporating various levels of power inequality, I have experienced just about every type of power inequality one can think of: Slave, kajira, daughter, student, Teacher, little, servant and property - hell, even padawan for about a month when someone attempted to "knock fear out of me" (Which went over about like a turd in the punch bowl, as I was in a "burning phase" during that time and needed to be destroyed so that I could start anew). One thing that has held true (especially in the more extreme or intense situations): The Personhood which I had laid on the alter of what I believed to have been a Good Will would, usually slowly and inexorably (although I have seen it happen rather suddenly and explosively before), corrupt the one to whom I had relinquished power.

One could argue that this was because I hadn't gotten to know a potential Owner as well as I should have; however, one never truly knows the honest and undiluted character inherent within someone until that power is handed over. This is a no-win situation as the information required to make an informed decision or to give informed consent cannot come until the slave becomes the property of that Owner. With that realization, I came to understand that it was not so much that power corrupts as much as it was the fact that human nature itself is intrinsically corrupt. The power simply brings that information to the forefront. The more power that is sought in a dynamic, the more corrupted the individual likely already has become by the very power desired. Motive already exists; all that is missing is opportunity to manifest.

With the lesson learned concerning human nature and power having been proven repeatedly over the course of my time building relationships and dynamics around varying levels of Power Exchange, I fundamentally rejected to my very Core any and all thoughts about this way of life having anything to do with power. I considered for a long period of time that it would be better to leave this way of life based on my observations and my Reasoned Will giving this line of logic: Nothing substantial or healthy can be built around the supposition that one can simultaneously possess power and possess the qualities of honor/justice/integrity so as to rightfully determine what the Owner's Moral Obligation even is (and even less rightfully determine Moral Obligation for the property) due to judgement which has been clouded by the very poison in his soul. This is a poison which I had given by my own hand because I had knelt before another person. I was each and every one of my Owner's stumbling block morally! This thought did not sit well with me and caused an ethical dilemma. Once again, I almost left the Scene entirely over this battle. I am thankful that I did not.

With the help of some very good friends, I slowly came to realize that I was on the correct path when I said that this way of Life had nothing to do with power. Power is at best an illusion and, at worst, it is a moral minefield. Rather, this lifestyle is built upon the concept of Leadership. Power demands that others blindly follow the orders which it barks, bullies those under it, and causes those in its "care" to cower in a corner until it is called upon. Power leaves the subordinate used up until it is a hull of its original being. Power causes all it touches - both those in Power and those who have relinquished Power - to become warped and mangled beyond recognition mentally as well as spiritually. Juxtapose this with leadership, which is a beautiful symbiotic dynamic that creates a balanced whole. Leadership is about celebrating the individual strengths of the one being lead and showing appreciation to the one who leads. It is about family, unity and cheering one another on to bigger and better things. These are the fundamental and core differences between Leadership and Power.

I realized that, while slavery was something that I believed I wanted at one time (and I am glad for the experiences I had during that time as it taught me some very valuable lessons about myself and human nature/the human condition), it is not being authentic to who and what I am growing into. As such, I did not beg to become Dragon's slave. I did not lay down Personage nor have I sacrificed my Personhood on the alter of a false belief that Dragon is above his human nature. He is a just Leader with a Good Will - and I will not abandon my Moral Obligation by becoming a stumbling block or giving him the poison known as Absolute Power. I am not his slave even though I wear his collar. I have sworn fealty to his House as a vassal. I am free to pursue a Mate of my own when the time and the person are right. I am free to start a House of my own when the time comes. He is my Lord and my Leader - just as I am his Soldier and Clanswoman.

Perhaps someday, when the rest of the puzzle is sorted out, I will try training as a slave again should my Lord give his blessing to that particular adventure. But that day is not in the foreseeable future.

All our knowledge begins with the senses, proceeds then to the understanding, and ends with reason. There is nothing higher than reason. ~Immanuel Kant

I am unable to sleep tonight because I cannot shut my brain off. I have struggled for years over love as it relates to M/s. Tonight is no different. Before I go any further, please understand that Teacher is just - I am not his slave but, rather, his student and Housekeeper. These deal with old questions which I am only just now sharing.

I struggle with love because the moment a Master falls in love with a slave he has lost control of the entire situation. Yet love will not hold his actions in check; he will abuse the power he has been entrusted with. There is a great deal of wisdom in the adage Power corrupts - and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I have seen this before in action and I can only assume that it is difficult (if not outright impossible) for a Master to possess Honor. The very thing which he wants (power over another human life) will corrupt him - Frodo and Gollum with the Precious if you will. All this talk of "I will shelter you from predators, see that you want for nothing and give you a warm place to sleep" is about right on par with what the pig farmer tells his pigs - right up to the moment he decides that he wants pork chops!

Here is something that many of you may not realize: I yearn to adore and to be adored in return. I am human, after all. We are social animals. I have a romantic streak in me as big as all outdoors. I struggle with leaving my calling to slavery behind to find a loving relationship or learning to let go of all my hopes, dreams, goals and desires and be true to my calling. I cannot shake the core desire that I will, Someday, find a mate. I also cannot shake this god-awful calling of slavery from me.

So tonight, I wrestle with two needs - the need to serve and the the desire to find my Someone. I wrestle with an enormous amount of fear that power will be abused. I struggle to find the answers which will bring peace (and sleep) to me in the face of this enormous fear of allowing myself to even hope that love can be found for a slave and/or trying to put aside the calling of slavery so that I can find that special person.

What this all boils down to is that I am lonely for a mate and fail to see how a slave can even go about finding one given the structure of the dynamic. I cannot understand how a slave can get that basic human desire for a life partner while remaining a slave. But I still want to share my journey with someone as a close primary partnership. I want to have the freedom to show the romantic side that is just collecting another year's worth of dust. I want someone to laugh with, cry with and work beside. But I'm a slave and I know better than to hope, wish or desire... But it hasn't stopped this foolish dreamer yet.

So, you feel the calling on your life for slavery!  That is great!  Slavery is a challenging and rewarding calling.  Allow me to share some of the wisdom I have gathered from the past decade lived in slavery:
 
Master yourself first.  I often hear this spoken to the Masters, but this is an equally important concept for the slave.  We cannot give what we do not have.  If you do not have control over yourself, then it is not in the realm of possibility to give control of yourself over to Another.  This is not to say you have to have control over your life – just that you have to have control over yourself.  Life has a tendency to happen, as we all know.  You must have control over your reactions, however.  Otherwise, you will be giving a Master the title in name only.  This is unacceptable.
 
Study the Stoic philosophers. I am a firm believer that a slave’s greatest strength is its apathy and lack of attachment to things outside of its control.  With a slave’s station being what it is, nothing is within your control – except the reactions to what situations an Owner puts you through.  Allow yourself attachment to nothing and learn to see your hopes, dreams, goals and expectations (be they good, bad or indifferent) as something which will only bring you untold and unnecessary grief, heartache and disappointment in the long run. 
 
Do not mistake apathy for laziness.  Apathy is just not caring what the outcomes are and not caring about things outside of your control.  Laziness, on the other hand, is not performing your base duties.  As a slave, you have no rights – only duties.  Apathy is a lack of attachment.  Laziness is a lack of work ethic.  Know the difference.  There is no place in this world for a lazy slave.
 
Respect your Master, but do not allow yourself to experience Ludic/Manic/Eros types of love for your Master.  Attachment to anything and hope/expectation of any outcome – and this includes attachment to the Master and hope/expectation of that affection being returned to you – will only serve to weaken you and your ability to serve well.  In the natural progression of your servitude, you will find yourself experiencing affection for your Master.  This is a normal and natural progression of the respect and trust which, in a healthy M/s dynamic, will develop over time.  Do not allow the love to progress beyond natural affection born of duty (Storgic love) lest you become emotionally attached to your Master, who has the right to possess as many slaves as he feels he needs or wants and can sell you or loan you out at any time for any reason.  Lest you bemoan your loveless fate, keep in mind that Storgic love, while dispassionate, burns for a lifetime.  Submissives may be the ones who get the pretty dancing flame, but slaves enjoy the stability of the glowing embers which last forever.
 
This brings me to my last point:  M/s is a dynamic rather than a relationship.  For something to be dynamic, it changes the components.  You will learn more about your own internal workings during the course of your service than at any other time in your life.  Service will change how you see yourself and the world around you.  Because your Master can put you in any situation he wants regardless of your own personal beliefs of right and wrong, it may put you face-to-lds and ethical nightmares which you will have to navigate your way through without the benefit of having your Master by your side.  With those split-second decisions, you will be forced to see your ethics as they are rather than what you may have, at one time, believed them to be. 
 
So, welcome to the Mushroom Club known as slavery!  You will be kept in the dark and fed shit, but that is what the mushroom needs to grow.  It is not a bad thing – it just makes you different from the submissive, who is like a rosebush and is fed shit and has light shed upon it to make it grow.  Learn as much as you can about yourself and revel in your apathy, for the only way to survive slavery mentally, spiritually and emotionally intact is to learn that your greatest strength is your lack of attachment to forces outside of yourself.  It will allow you to be of better use and have a clearer head while going about your duties. 
 
May you know peace down this road and may you, above all, know yourself.  Godspeed.

The slave has been told by more than one person that the dynamic she has with the House is something that they desire. This has always confused and hurt the slave. Some of the people who have said this will call their submission a gift. Submission may be a gift; however, slavery is a calling. Make no mistake: Slavery is a one-way street. The moment that the slave can dictate which aspects of the dynamic will be experienced, it ceases to be slavery as this slave experineces it. As such, slavery is not something that one desires – it is something that one cannot function without. It is the knowledge that you will die without someone to stand in the gap for you. It is love in its perfect form, for it is love with work clothes on. It is being willing to stand before another human being who does not love you - and never will - stripped bare of all defences. It is perfect control of yourself: your words, your movement and the inflection of your voice – at all times. A slave is the most fragile – yet strongest – individual you will ever meet. While many have said that the dynamic this slave has with the House is what they want, few have the strength to survive – let alone thrive – in abject slavery. For those of us who need slavery, however, there is no peace in this world like that only known to those living in consummate ownership. For those who are called to slavery, there is no safety or freedom quite so perfect than when one is utterly in chains. Those who are submissive will often miss out on the growth only known to a dismal slave. A submissive has love; a slave has strength. May each of us revel in who we are and what we bring to the table.

THE BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT

Amid discord and dispair
The bright white light is there
To give solace and peace
So the chaos will finally cease.

In the bright blue arch
There is no dark
For there is no night
In the bright white light. 

Love is stern as the grave
So I must be brave
And run with all my might
Towards the bright white light. 

In the night so black
There is only the whip's crack
In the arch of blue
I see clearly what is true. 

In the bright white light I am truly free.
In the bright white light I am truly me. 

~08/07/11