Inthewoods

An update:  Life has changed for the better in so many ways.  New house share is working out brilliantly, and I have a new job that is going fantastically well (promoted after a week!).  I am more settled and happier than in years.  

I'm not going to use cm that much anymore, but I will check in from time to time.  

Back soon, I hope.

On the move again over the next week or so.  This time to somewhere far more suitable, I believe.  Hopefully it will herald the beginning of the end of the chaotic times in my life.  

A totally vanilla weekend for the first time in ages.  Well, obviously spent with kinksters, as 99% of my friends are in that category, but doing entirely vanilla things.  I feel chilled and restored and ready for the week ahead.

Sometimes Hotmail is a pig - just received the delivery failure notices from all the emails that were sent on August 4th.  :-(

So who is coming to the Fem Sub Social Club in Brum on sept 10th? "for submissive women and the men who love them"! Get away from the computer and meet real people!!

Fabulous weekend - big chunk of happy vanilla stuff and then a dose of friends.  I'm exhausted now, but it was worth it.

Well, here's the thing...after the lows come the highs.  Today was amazingly good - a great piece of new business pretty much in the bag, and a fascinating new idea to work through too.  Emails I send are still going astray, but now I have been so forcefully made aware of it I can keep an eye on it.

A nap and a mental slap and I am no longer melancholy

So today I get the wave of melancholy that I experienced in January after the mysterious disappearance of TE from the universe...the wave that tries to tell me that if I cannot find a place in this world, perhaps I should look at going back to my old life, perhaps even now it can be salvaged and my family reinstated. 

I recognise it for what it is - it will pass.  Returning is not an option.  But the melancholy fills the room if I let it.  

There is still some sunshine...I'm starting to get enquiries back from job applications I have made in the last week.  Get a regular income coming in and I can put a stop to some of the chaos that sometimes leads people to conclude I am flakey.

Overwhelmed by amazing messages today.  Thank you all.  I am considering my options and already feel so much better.

I have been treated unjustly once too often, I think.  I know I am honest and serious and work hard to please.  Perhaps I am judged based on how others behave - but to not even be able to present evidence that I did not lie or ignore an instruction is too much to bear.

How many more of you want to line up and trample on my soul?  How many more of you want me to give my secrets and my inner self just to chuck it away once you have it?

2 men only have I seriously felt I could deeply submit to.  One used me and lied to me and broke me into pieces over a period of 8 months.  One managed to give me hope and then destroy it completely in a matter of days.  So forgive me if I am cynical.  Forgive me if I am defensive and prickly.  Forgive me if the "I am not him" line does not sway me in future.

My intensity and depth of commitment are there for the right person to claim.  I was ready to hand them over...ready to serve completely...it's a shame technology tripped it all up when I had been true. 

It's a Catch 22 situation - I want to hold back and not reveal my secrets and my heart.  It hurts so much to be open and trusting and then have all that thrown away as if it was nothing.  Yet when I try to hold back, I am told I am too guarded, that I do not trust that I need to give more of myself before someone can learn about me.

So what do I do?  Protect myself and be told I am not trusting...or trust and reveal and then have to deal with the emotional aftermath of that trust being treated as valueless?  I don't think I can go through it again.  If I open my heart, it is for a reason.  Having it stamped on is not part of my kink.

My profile has been hidden for a while, so I could focus fully. It seems it is not to be, and perhaps it is an impossible dream anyway. Feeling upset and comfused at the moment.

Looking forward to a fun night out tomorrow.  To splosh or not to splosh, that is the question...

When threats are made, the only option is to involve the police.  "I know where you live , may play a few games with you lol" is a threat.

Been away from the computer for a few days of R&R.  Had an amazing time with some amazing people and now I need to get my head back into normal mode.

What a lovely week I've had.  Simple pleasures in a relaxing environment.  

For those dominants who are not as successful as they hoped, might I suggest this http://www.club-rub.com/index.php/club-rub/master/ ?

Exciting opportunities come my way..I am flattered that my expertise is being recognised. 

I leave behind an empty, clean house that represented a new start.  I step into the future and look around to see where it will take me.

Really enjoyed the BBB today and seeing so many friendly faces - those I already know, and those I only knew from online before.  So many lovely hugs too.  

Looking forward to seeing lots of friends today and having a giggle.  Life is too short not to.

Things that make me smile:

good friends, good food, sharing a sense of the ridiculous, sunshine, flowers in a hedgerow, new shoes, a job well done, being told "good girl" by someone that matters.

A new event for Birmingham UK http://www.femsub.co.uk

Feeling full of fizzy energy today, cover your ears, there's singing happening!

Anyone who cares to get to know me can find me around at Midlands clubs fairly regularly.  I'll be the one by the coffee...

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig

I see that there is a sub who names me in her journal as playing with a dom on here who is attached, who she also names.  My conscience is entirely clear, and I do not know why she is so obsessed with spreading these lies.  I have reported her journal to cm, I have blocked her vitriol from reaching my inbox.  Thank you to the person who brought it to my attention.  I guess the rest of you will have to make your own minds up as to who you wish to believe.

All this woman is doing is stirring up hurt for the slave who has to read these lies.  I genuinely feel for her in all this, as she has done nothing to deserve it.  

The entry before this one was intended to be positive - maybe it didn't come across that way.  I am in a kickass frame of mind, where nothing and nobody is going to get in the way of my strength and power to succeed.

Doors close and doors open... Ideas once held dear are put down and new ideas are held close.

So let's get back to real life...

Looking back over the week, I am so happy to have such wonderful friends.  All but 1 of my friends are from the lifestyle, and we rock! To know that there is such wonderful support when terrifying stuff kicks off...to be able to laugh til the tears stream down your face and you can't breathe...It's a great feeling.

It has never been more valuable than in the light of the stuff that happened at the weekend.

I'd like to make it clear once again that I am not interested in a Dom who already has a relationship - be it a marriage, a vanilla girlfriend, an existing sub or slave.  It isn't something I will be persuaded on either - spending every Christmas alone isn't what I choose for my future.

More on trust:

Once I would give people the benefit of the doubt and a second (or even 3rd chance).  I will not do that anymore.  Break my trust, make me feel uneasy or unsafe and I WILL listen to my gut instinct.  No excuses - not that it was "a joke", not that you were drunk, not that you were "in a dark place".

Maybe I am isolating myself this way, but I cannot live a life of fear and uneasiness.

I have reached the point in my life where I can count on one hand the people I truly trust not to attempt to take advantage of me or use me for their own ends or to mess with my head or my heart.  Bottom line is - Trust No One.

My debut singing on stage with a rock and roll band is this Friday.  I am so looking forward to it!

If you're just hoping for a hook-up for kinky sex once or twice, then please don't even bother messaging me.

Last night I had a dream in which I met an ex lover.  He looked old, and tired and dishevelled, and in the dream I was surprised that I had ever found him attractive.  I can still see the dream image of him when I close my eyes. 

There's a mystery around what and who inspires submission.  It isn't something that can be switched on with a flick of a switch, well, not for me anyway.  I need to respect the person, to believe in them as a Dominant.  In suppose in another world it would be called charisma and it can't be defined as a set of traits or actions or words.  It either exists or it doesn't.  Where it exists, it inspires and enables so much.

Today the rain has arrived with a vengeance!  (I did say it was going to rain, I just was 12 hours out on my timing!)

BCvCP 7/4

Back working today after an enforced 6 week rest.  Feel energised and ready to push forward - nothing keeps me down for very long!

It's been a busy few days - I have moved most of my stuff into the new gaff, just need to sort the last bits and clean the old house. 

I was out last night and had a laugh.  Didn't meet the love of my life though *laugh*

And the day gets better... I am about to be discharged from medical treatment.  I have cured myself!

What a great end to the week - found out this morning that I have a new client for my business.  I look back 2 or 3 months and I don't recognise what I see.

I continue to clear the detritus from my life.  Bags and bags of things for the binmen and for the charity shops.  I feel so free, so cleansed of the insecurity, fear and sadness that has haunted me for so long.  They are replaced by confidence, strength and joy at the opportunities life keeps presenting me with.

The key things about me haven't changed.  I am still full of love, giving and compassion.  But they are joined by a passion, energy and fire that had lain hidden.  I am truly alive.

Looking forward to the weekend a great deal.  Getting out and about - I love it, because you never know who you will meet or what adventures will come your way (lifestyle-wise, or otherwise).

So many compliments on my new pictures - thank you all.  Yes, I am very pleased with them - they reflect my new confidence and happiness to be me.  But please, I don't want to be desired purely for how I look.  Like anyone, I don't look like that all the time, and I am more than just breasts and legs clad in PVC.  I understand that men think with a certain organ - but really, you will need to desire my mind and my soul more than the external packaging for me to be interested even in conversation.

How cool to be moving to a house with an open fire in the living room, a glorious power shower and gorgeous dogs.  Spent the evening with my new landlady last night, and laughed til we ached at stupid stuff.  About 2 months ago I said I was going to move out of this house, and I said I was going to get a dog - hmm...do any of you believe in cosmic ordering? *laughs*

Starting to pack today.  Actually, it is mainly throwing away outdated paperwork.  I am in the mood to get rid of lots of clutter, things that have followed me round for years...but I am nervous that I will regret it.  I'm not sure I can afford too much sentimentality now though, so the "useful or beautiful" rule will come into play. I think the local charity shops will be doing well from me over the next week!

*grumble* People who ask me if I will relocate before they have even looked at my profile or chatted with me - what is that about?

Off out to play in Brum tonight... don't miss me too much!

Oh, I have a wonderful place to move to - a lovely, big kink friendly house.  Funny how life gives you good stuff in response to scary situations.  This is going to be fun!

Some brightness - people I would never have expected to have come forward to offer me emotional support.

Also, the song has been selected for my rock and roll debut!  Yes, on Friday 8th of July I will be singing live on stage with a band in front of a paying audience!  It's something I've dreamed of since I was very young, and I am very lucky that a business contact has offered me this chance to make it come true.

Next on my list - stand up comedy! 

*small voice*  It actually doesn't feel like an adventure... it feels very scary and overwhelming, and I don't know where to start.  If ever I wanted to be a little girl toy and have a feeling that there was a safe place for me to rest a while, it is now.

Ay ay ay... If it isn't one thing, it's another... I am coping admirably well with impending homelessness, it has to be said.  Bloody landlord, selling the house... But I have several offers of spare rooms to stay in, and finally somewhere to store my furniture temporarily.  So just cardboard boxes and strong men left to find!  I could be out of here within the week, starting my next adventure.

Why is it so surprising that I should be clear what I am seeking?  If you live more than about 90 minutes from me, it is unlikely to work.  There was only ever one who made that work - and you are not Him.  If you want me to dress like a slut in my daily life, it definitely won't work.  I am a grown up, sophisticated woman.  I'm not going to give you access to every part of my life after a few messages - please be realistic, this isn't a game for me.  I would like to build something sustainable and with greater depth than that.

My doctor's note expires on 16th June, so I am starting to put the building blocks in place to kick start my business again.  Having a break from it has been good for me, I really really needed to step away from it, but now I feel anxious to get stuck in and make it what it has always deserved to be - which is just how I see my relationships now.  They will be what I deserve them to be, or they won't be at all.

Last night I had a strange dream.  A man had kidnapped me, for what reason I do not know.  He held me chained at times and at others I was able to roam the house at will.  Friends and relatives of mine were there, but were forbidden to talk to me.  There was a threat of violence against me, though in the dream it did not happen.  But I knew that whatever took place, I could endure it and not break before my captor.

It wasn't a sexual dream.  It was a dream about my strength and endurance.  I knew that at some point he would make an error and I would escape and I knew that I was strong enough to take what he threatened to dish out.

A dream that many would have experienced as a nightmare, I experienced as uplifting and a confirmation of my power.

A sunny Saturday with my small people... and a hangover & lack of sleep...*groan*

Woo, a fantastic day... driving in glorious sunshine, a 260 mile round trip and a great business meeting.  Back in the saddle and feeling gooooooooooood!

My submission does not come from a place of weakness - far from it.  It comes from strength - the strength that knows my worth, that knows what it is I give.  For some this is a scary prospect, and that's OK.  I won't submit to someone who cannot deal with a strong submissive, because they come from a place of weakness themselves.  I don't need to rush, I don't want to rush.  A collar isn't something to be given or received after 2 or 3 meetings.  A collar is a 2 way commitment that should have meaning.  It isn't a trophy for either party to flaunt.

I have seen too many people rush headlong into and out of relationships in this world.  I have seen too many people who simply want to display to the world the extremes to which they go, as if the world's opinion matters more than the two who dance the steps together.

I have heard too many times the outlandish claims of men who cannot master themselves, let alone me.  We are all human, all fallible.  Even a dominant can have weaknesses - in fact someone who portrays themselves as having none will have the most, I have found.

Good things are accumulating, and the dark days of the recent past are behind me - and they are staying there.  Each day another light is switched on, and  I will not be broken down again.

The therapist said "Don't rely on other people to help make you feel better in times of crisis - you have seen how they let you down."

The therapist said "Monitor your activity and mood, and you can take control of them both.

The therapist said "You don't have to stop being nice and generous with your caring, just choose better who deserves it."

The therapist was right.

Today has been excellent from start to finish.  But I am exhausted!

How better to spend an empty rainy Bank Holiday Monday than by accidentally sleeping til 2.30pm? *laugh*

Been putting some youtube videos on my facebook page.  Took me back years, some really strong memories there... but what is fascinating is that songs that are 25 or more years old still resonate with a whole different set of circumstances now - I think that's the test of a great song, the ones that last.

Until about 6 months ago I had been vegetarian for 13 years.  So big thanks to the friend who recently introduced me to chicken caesar (sp?) salad that is now my staple diet!

Dark desires wrap me like supernatural mist. 

I sit here with a long awaited coffee in my hand and feel good.  Yes, I have a nagging headache and neck pain, yes I could do with more pennies in the bank, and yes I have spent too much of this week alone.  But still, I am happy.

The world needs more happiness.

The trick of it all is to know who you are and be honest with yourself.  There are no disguises or personas that can hide the truth from you, and until you make peace with yourself you can never rest.

The reflection of yourself you see when you look to others isn't real, isn't solid.  In the middle of the night, your truth remains.  Pretending to yourself that you are other than you are, or ignoring the parts of you that make you uncomfortable will never bring you peace.

I am shedding the disguises that I have used to hide myself from myself.  The behaviours that cover those deep down beliefs that make me uncomfortable are no longer driving me.  And I feel free and real and even - happy.

Do you choose to warm yourself by the fire or burn in its flames?

The new profile picture does show me as I am - tough, feisty and with attitude.  Not everyone will get to see what softness lies beneath.

Today I feel calm and centred. I worked hard this weekend on removing some old sticking plasters.  Next weekend will be much more fun.

Watching an old film called Torture Garden.  It isn't as thrilling as it sounds :-D

mmmm...sunburnt shoulders...always make me feel sexy.

See, the feisty bird is back already.  A small set back doesn't stop me reaching for my dreams, and I am on track to make one or two of them come true in the next month.

This has not been a good day.  Lots of uninvited changes in the next several weeks, lots of stress.  This afternoon I didn't want to carry on fighting for what I want, but 2 people went out of their way to rescue me.  I will bounce back, I know I will, and I have learned that some people's promises are worth jack, which is always useful information.

My eyes are sore, my head aches but I am still the same gutsy fighter.

Pondering a change in hair colour...lighter maybe?

The simple things... a text, or two, or three.  Remembering what I have said.  Those simple things, they make me smile, because they stand out as simple but apparently rare.

More clearing out of the past today.  A trip to donate lots to the charity shop, and possibly a trip to the dump for the real rubbish.  Then more cleaning... I want this house to shine now.  Everything that doesn't belong in my future will be shed like a skin.

I recommend the fishy pedicure.

I recommend liking yourself enough to have a fishy pedicure.

I recommend liking yourself enough not to take it to heart when friends turn out not to be friends at all.

Having one of those fishy pedicures this afternoon... Should be interesting!  All part of my "pamper myself" regime.

Today was wonderful, but I am exhausted.  So off to bed for me at 9,30!

Smiling.

Chilling out after the last 24 hours of excitement.  My friend has gone to stay with someone else tonight, so I am just relaxing.  The house is clean and tidy, the candles are lit, the fluffy dressing gown is on.  mmmmmm

Had a great night out, but am now sheltering a friend who has had to flee her abusive boyfriend.  This evening he held a knife to her throat and asked her if she was afraid to die.  Looks like I have some company now for watching those DVDs...

So my pamper day has been somewhat interrupted by being used as a counsellor by 2 friends who are splitting up.  And what's the betting that at the end of it, I won't hear from them again?  At least professional counsellors get paid!  Hey ho.  Back to creating my own life... *empathy mode off*

Today is pamper Friday.  Just because.

I really fancy watching a film tonight.  Just at home on the sofa.  What shall I choose?  Horror?  Comedy? Thriller?  The freedom to choose my own film...but it would be nice to share the decision once in a while at least.

This morning I realised that I am content to be me, for the first time in so long.  I am more than good enough, and people either see that or they don't.  I'm not going to fight for it any longer.

I don't seem to be able to shut up today..

I was talking on facebook earlier with the friend who first inspired me to change my life, and who has continued to quietly coach me along the way.  I was reminded of the words he used to me right at the beginning of my journey:

Everybody thinks about "what if it all goes wrong" but nobody ever considers "what if it all goes right".  Whatever happens, at least you will have answers.

I love my friends.

Wow.  A book.  Fully planned.  In my head.  Ready to transfer to the page.

I feel the strength growing inside me.  I was empty of everything and have begun to refill myself.  Myself - that's right, nobody else can do this for me, and nobody else has.

The sticking plasters are being peeled off, one by one.  Fresh, strong, healed and full of belief in the future.  The future I will create.  I am not foolish enough to believe I have done all the work that is needed.  But I know that I choose where I go from here.

It seems a lot of people are getting an incredible amount of profile views from US Dommes.  Something strange is going on here, methinks.

What do I really want?  A night of cheesy 80s pop and a good sing and dance with friends. *laugh*

I have said it before and I will say it again.  It isn't the truth that burns me, it is the lie, no matter how well intentioned. Those that care for me speak the truth to me.  Those that don't speak the truth, don't care.  At least that's my truth.

Tragedy is the loss of your dreams.  When the future you planned is made unavailable.  Grief wrenches your heart and your soul as the loss of the potential floods through you in wild, painful pulses.

But new futures are opening.  New dreams can be forged.  Each day has a potential of its own to be realised, opening new doors if only we will see them.  Look for the open ones, not those that are closing.  Mourn your losses but don’t close your eyes to the things you have to gain.

Be patient, heart.  Hold true and strong.  Wait with optimism but not desperation.  If it is meant for you, it will not pass you by.  Tell yourself the fairytale – that there ARE happy endings, and you deserve one as much as anyone else.  And if the happy ending you currently hope for isn’t to be, then there is another one as yet undreamed that is waiting for you.

I am liking this positive thinking and taking action malarkey.

Events are just events.  They are neither good nor bad in themselves, it is our reaction to them that gives them meaning.

You notice what you focus on.  Note, I am not saying that you attract what you focus on, no "Secret" style mysticism here.  If you don't believe me, try this:  Watch this short film and count how many times the ball is passed http://viscog.beckman.illinois.edu/grafs/demos/15.html  Then scroll down this journal entry...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Did you spot the gorilla?  Watch again...

So, you notice only what you focus on.  Life is full of all kinds of stuff.  If you expect crap, you'll experience crap.  If you expect good stuff, that's what you will experience.  The same stuff can happen to 2 different people, but they will see it differently.

So I am actively choosing to focus on good stuff.  There is no "crap always happens to me" anymore.  Crap happens, yes.  But it has no deeper significance.  It's just crap - move on and see the good stuff.  And right now, I see plenty of it, with plenty more to come.

I think one of the things I find hardest to deal with in any kind of friendship is when someone just stops communicating with me for a period of time.  You know, they went on holiday but didn't tell you, or they are busy and haven't much time.  But my natural instinct is to worry, and a text message takes about 30 seconds to send.  Our constant contact world means even a few hours without a reply can seem like you are being ignored.  It isn't healthy, I know - but when you are used to chatting with a friend most days, a silence can be deafening and worrying.

Mmmmm....new shoes.  Yummy yummy new shoes.

There are ripples in the force...

Flipping website has me nuts today.  But everyone seems to love it, and it is the start of a whole new era for the business, I feel.

Most days I am reasonably content to be alone.  But on a glorious sunny day like today, for some reason I am struggling with it.  Sitting in the garden with a glass of wine...alone.  Walking in the countryside...alone.  Who will take a trip to the coast with me this summer and laugh as I drip ice cream down me?  Who will star gaze and talk and talk with me til dawn?

Yes, I have friends I spend time with, but all of them are out doing couple-type stuff today.  It brings into focus the question of what I want in my life.  And the answer seems to be - the best of both worlds *laugh*. 

Not the best ever Mother's Day - but an apt reminder of what mothering is.  What I really want is for Heston to bring me that cherry trifle thing in the Waitrose advert.

6/10. appt @4.

“There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.”

 Douglas H. Everett

http://tinyurl.com/6btbl86

As a kid, did you ever do a jigsaw only to find at the end that there was one piece missing?  The picture still looks great, but it can never be complete.

Chilli bubbling, bread dough rising, loose limbed and relaxed from swim & sauna... Just one thing missing *sigh*

Today I modelled for an image consultant who was training someone.  Apparently, my legs are 39" long.  She wants me to get my hair cut short and sassy - hmmmm.

Wow - this has been an amazing week.  Good, good, good things happening after a period of lack.  Spontaneous smiling is taking place.

I realise that when the fairylights are on, I feel really sparkly myself.

Too funny for words..someone twice asks me to be his slave and when I say no, tells me I'm not worth it.

Again today, I was asked if I am completely sure that I am submissive.  This makes me laugh.  Yes, I am sure.

Had such a laugh at the munch tonight.  Really glad I went, laughing is definitely the best medicine (as Reader's Digest has been telling us for years)

Been browsing the House of Fraser website.  I'm not a Pro-anything, but if anyone wanted to send me a giftcard I'd be happy to spend it. (joke)

The last few entries here have been a little more downbeat than I actually feel.  Like the  plants beginning to grow outside, I see green shoots sprouting throughout my life. So many good things, and opportunities lining up for me.  So don't read too much into the grumblings of the last few days...

It's time to say thank you to the people who have given me unconditional support over the last month while I faced up to not being altogether well...the people who accepted that I might seem to be pushing friendship away but that it was what I most needed - the people who persisted, and still persist...

Thank you.

Feeling so restless.  Haunting my own house, I call it.  Can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.

Is it wrong that I won't put my intelligence into cold storage when talking with a Dom?  Is it wrong that when they back off from my brain I think I had a lucky escape, that I think they could never dominate me without relishing the fact that their submissive is clever?

I'm not here to be beaten by whichever simpleton or intellectual coward feels like some female flesh.  The mental connection and sparring is what adds spice to the pot.

Been a while since I've written. I've been sorting a few things out in my life, all for the good.

I don't seem to have much to say these days anyway.  So this whole entry was a bit of a waste of time hahahaha

Technology sucks.

Chat here dosn't work well for me, so I will decline requests and then send a message to explain.  However, if you have a hidden profile, I can't message you ;-)

I like myself.  Not always, but mainly.  I know what I am worth - in this and in vanilla life.  It comes from within - and cannot be taken away except if I allow it to be.  I do not allow it to be. *smiles*

Christmas Eve was 2 weeks ago.  The New Year is no longer shiny and new.  Tempus fugit - momento mori...all that good stuff.

Has anyone else had enough of the long break? Let's just get on with it, shall we?

The last day of 2010 and I can't help but review it.  The year I changed my life.  In brief:

finally got involved in the lifestyle I have craved for years...met some great people - and some idiots.  Had my hopes raised to incredible heights and dashed to incredible lows...questioned my judgement, questioned everything...

And now?  I don't do resolutions or even wishes for the new year, because in my experience they lead to disappointment.  I go forward as me.  A little older, a little wiser, a little more cynical, a little less of an open book.

Happy new year to all the wonderful friends I have made here.

So here I am again at 4am, but this time because I have been on the phone comforting a lovely lady who has had the heart ripped out of her world by a scumbag cowardly man.  Leaving without telling her?  Taking half the furniture? Fucking her this morning just hours before doing all of the above?  Nice work.

In whose mind can this be acceptable behaviour?  There are times when I despair of the human race and its ability to behave decently.  And people wonder why trust is such a hard thing to give.

Goodnight.

For a submissive, there is a constant tension between putting someone else's needs and desires first and dealing with your own needs.  The desire to serve and not make demands can be overwhelming, and yet the forums are full of advice "not to settle" and to find the one who meets all your needs.

For some, this can be a contradiction.  Who really can meet all of somebody else's needs?  Isn't there always compromise?  And in our dynamic, isn't it the submissive who compromises most?

So the question is really how far is it reasonable to bend and not make demands at all?  And it seems to me that this is the fundamental question that each pairing needs to agree.  Total submission?  Yeah, I can go there - and it is a powerful feeling.  But even in that space we mustn't ignore the basics without which we are diminished.

The Xmas miracles continued and I got to spend the morning with my kids, which was wonderful and not what I expected.  Had I known in advance, I wouldn't have shed so many tears in the last week, but, hey ho!

It's a funny time of year in lot of ways. So many people evaluating what has gone and what they want to come.  The week between Xmas and New Year often feels like a kind of limbo, and that is definitely true this year.

The 2 strands that we all weave together, to better or worse effect, are what happens to us and what we create for ourselves.  What we create requires choices and drive.  What happens to us is often outside our control but can illuminate the choices.  Sometimes the 2 get out of balance from each other and we must unpick the weave of our lives to regain the design we wanted to create.

This dead time in the year is a good opportunity to do just that.

my local fetish community have rallied round today to look after me.  banking screw ups left me with £4 cash, no petrol and no food til Monday, and my gorgeous kids to bring back here on Sunday.

people have given me cash, and much much love.  i have sobbed pathetically down the phone at people, and ended up laughing with them.  i am truly overwhelmed by them all, and the messages i have received are beautiful.

THIS is what Christmas is about.  not presents and drinking and eating too much.  it's a cliche and it's not cool to say it - but it is true.

thank you all.  just thank you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

do you remember the old days when your transistor radio would pick up interference from the hoover, the tv next door, your sister's hairdryer? you'd have to either wait for the other people to finish, or you would retune your radio and carry on enjoying your favourite song. this week i retuned my radio so i can continue to enjoy a station that has been making me sing and dance. I can still hear the external sounds, but I don't have to focus on them.

sitting here quietly thinking over the week.  it wasn't the best week, to be honest.  but at the end of it i feel calm and confident and in a strange way glad it unfolded as it did.

people talk a great deal about honesty and trust, but they run at many different levels.  when it is easy, it has less power than when it costs you something. and when trouble comes, that's when you can tell someone's true worth.

and that's why at midnight on Friday, at the end of a tiring and testing week, i am smiling.

i must be recovered - my appetite is back, along with a renewed strength to continue my amazing journey.

For all my friends who are concerned about me, thank you.  Yesterday I really wasn't well at all, I think it has been coming on for a few days.  I'm not suffering the wild temperature swings today, so that is good.  is there such a thing as 24 hour flu? i have lots of vanilla commitments over the next few days and will be away from the computer a lot.  don't think i have died.  if it becomes an extended holiday from here, i will let you all know through here, because i am taking the chance to do some thinking.

lost.

remedies not working.  not my best week ever all round really.  need to be well for tomorrow. seems unlikely.  living alone seems such a bad idea at this moment.

alternating between hot and cold...headache..shivers, sweats..dosing with hot drinks and ibuprofen in hopes of recovery soon.

feeling very small and very stupid today. i behaved like an ungrateful brat yesterday and sorry doesn't even cover it.

ah.  world, meet the little girl part of me.  she's definitely here today.

my schedule opened up tonight and i am smiling.

who was i at the start of this?  someone else.  someone who thought she knew what she was about, but clearly didn't.

who am i now?  someone who knows more, but most importantly knows there is far far more to learn.

tonight, there's a magic in the room.  tonight i really feel that my finger on the laptop screen touches Him on His side...there!  i did it again!

as the weekend draws to a close, despite last night's technology frustrations, i feel great.  relaxed, contented and full of anticipation.

i am still smiling after last night, remembering how i felt.  i never knew that was in me... i guess it just needed the right One to bring it out.

The Executioner has pointed out that since keeping a handwritten journal for Him, i barely journal here now.  i guess i have another outlet for my thoughts and feelings, so this place hasn't seemed so important to me, but He has encouraged me to share a little more, so here i am.

He has been taking me on an incredible journey, and it is one that is very different to what people often describe on this site.  this is a journey that starts in the mind, that involves deep thought and meditation to make changes in me that individually are barely perceptible, but as a whole are quite dramatic.

rituals throughout my day bind me to Him through my thoughts...contemplation of aspects of submission clarify my thoughts and deepen my desire to serve Him...physical actions reinforce the lessons further.

i feel myself change, become less impulsive, less fractured. i become stronger and calmer and more confident as He nurtures me.

finally, i feel like a woman.  i have never felt that in my life before.  i have been a person, a partner, a survivor, but never a woman.  i have never felt beautiful or accepted for what i am and what i can be before this last few months.  people who barely know me see the difference in me.

if i had written myself a script, it wouldn't have been as good as this.  this is beyond what i had dreamt of.

last night and today i have been learning an important lesson.  not an easy lesson for me, but the point has been well made, and i'm grateful for it - and that it came now.

the thing is, i thought i understood it, thought i had spent enough time considering what it would mean.  i was so wrong.  i knew it in theory, but the reality - and my reaction to it - had to be felt, not imagined.

for all that, i am glad to be shown it, glad to feel this.  i wanted to make this a public thanks, because it matters so much.

thank You Sir.  i am beginning to understand better.

there is no try, only do.

Yoda

nobody said that learning and growing was easy.  and if they had done, it would have been a lie.

i just had a revelation whilst doing the washing up, and i want to capture it.

i had been thinking that managing it meant masking it, but managing actually means being able to reframe it and until finally i no longer have it at all.

i climb a staircase and as i open the door to the next one, i look back and see the dust that i have shed in being polished.  i step through the door, ready to be led upwards again.

butterflies in my stomach.

every day now, there is a new reason to smile.

the best feeling in the world is that of finally being what i have always kept hidden.

my laptop screen is suffering from fingerprints. *smile*