I am single. I am at peace with this. I am NOT desperately looking for you. I am waiting for fate to bring us together. I'm willing to wait for quite awhile. It's better to be single and have hope than to be committed to someone hopeless.
<3
My physical body has never felt better. I've finally made it to the point where I can be active without any pain, and I'm so grateful!Nothing can improve my mood quite like working up a delcious sweat to cheesy, 90's dance music.
I'm starting to feel like my old self...except an even better, happier version.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...well, I'm not dead and I feel fucking fabulous, so you'd better watch yourself!
;D
Dancing around in my kitchen to "Sweet Transvestite" while making a homemade, healthy version of a Hot Pocket? Um, yeah...my second day off is going great! This song makes me wanna prance around in heels and fishnets. It's impossible for a bad mood not to improve with the RHPS soundtrack! It's so damn sexy and outrageous!
I worked again last night and it was kinda brutal toward the end of my shift. I was very sore. When I first had the surgery done, it felt like there were several bee-stings around my belly button. After working last night, it felt just like that again! I have the next two days off, so I'm just going to lie around as much as possible, I suppose. Although, I hate not being able to do much of anything physical. I get stir-crazy and bored. Blah!
On an entirely different topic, let me say this: even though my most recent relationship has not existed for over a month, I still struggle with getting over it. At this point, I've accepted that things were not meant to be, and that they were never meant to be. Even though I loved my former master and sister slave with my whole heart, I was just not in a situation that truly made me happy. If someone can't meet your basic needs in life, then love isn't enough. And I say that with full conviction, even though it might make me sound like a callous, jaded bitch. But, it's true. Sometimes love isn't enough to keep people together. It's possible to love someone (or some people) who are totally wrong for you. And I guess that's what happened to me. So...with that wonderful, put-together response, what is it that I struggle with? Loneliness. Terrible, near-crippling loneliness. I am at my best in relation to other people, and it's hard to be alone. Even though I could easily find someone to share my time with, I know it wouldn't fix the deeply rooted problem, which is: I'm still not COMPLETELY over it. Until that time, I will continue to work on myself as a person. I will examine myself and discover what I can do better for a new master in my future. And I will remain single until I know I've reached the point where old things have truly passed away, and new things won't have to live in that shadow.
Wow...that was really kind of a long journal. Haha. Oh, well. My journal is for me, really. If someone finds amusement in it, that's wonderful. But for me, writing is how I find release and prevent insanity. :)
It seems like everytime I think I'm doing ok, something happens to knock me on my ass and show me just how "not ok" I really am. Damnit all! :(
I've been feeling really lonely lately, but there's no way I'm about to let it get me down. I've decided to be really stubborn on this one!
I want love. And that probably sounds stupid to a lot of people here (not all, but a lot), just judging from profiles I've read, journals I've read, etc. It seems like there are a lot of people in this life that are only here for sex. That's not me, though. And I'm patient enough to wait on someone who thinks like me about these things.
Though...I'd be almost tempted to snuggle the first warm and willing body that passed my way. I really do miss snuggling. A lot.
*sighs*
I Freddie Mercury. He inspires me to be FABULOUS!
I stayed up WAY too late having a good conversation last night, lol. I should have known better than to do so, considering my basset hound rolls me out of bed at about 8 every morning to pee and eat. She's relentless, but I love her! :)
Today makes a week since I had my surgery, and I'm feeling pretty good with a few exceptions. I still can't sleep on my tummy, which is frustrating because that's where I feel most cozy. Regular clothes still feel uncomfortable rubbing against my tummy, so I'm still running around in night gowns and I'm getting rather tired of them, lol. Also, food doesn't really taste good to me. I have next-to-no appetite. Eating feels like a chore at the moment, and I really hate it. Yesterday I had homemade vegetable beef stew, and to me it tasted just blahhhh. And I had terrible heartburn afterward. I really hope I'm not condemned to a bland diet forever, haha.
Well...what to do, now? I'm not sure I can go back to sleep now, though I'd really like to! My basset has had her breakfast and is now innocently staring at the bags that I'm sure are forming under my eyes. *sighs* Silly hound. :)
I decided I was going to add "polyamory" to my hard limits, and then backed out. *grumbles* I don't know why I'm clinging onto the idea of something I know will never work for me.
I did, however, add needle play to my hard limits. And that one is staying. *shudders*
Words absolutely cannot express how glad I am to not be crying over this ever again. <3
I've been so exhausted after my surgery...I have just enough energy to make a declaration: I'm alive! Lol. No more postings for awhile. Sleepy time for me...Zzzzz.
I've got a bad case of the birthday blues that could only be cured by birthday spankings by my daddy.
Too bad that's a distinct impossibility. Hmph.
Random thought: If I'm listening to a song and I hear a whip cracking, I'm pretty much going to like it no matter what, lol. :D
It's been about a month. *shrugs* I'm fine, damnit. I just can't wait until I feel good again, physically speaking. Then some things will be really different in a lot of ways, I swear it.
Couldn't sleep...thought I'd pop in for a moment and see what was going on. Dragged myself to the computer, logged on...and now I'm exhausted and ready for bed. Here's to hoping for more energy tomorrow!
I'm totally strange. Ha.
The hardest part of being sick is having nobody to see me through it. Being ill puts me at my weakest. My most vulnerable and needy.
That's a pretty shitty time to deal without having a Daddy anymore, isn't it?
I hope as my body heals, so does my heart. That's my prayer.
The first Christmas really wasn't ideal, was it? I know my idea of a good time does not include riding for hundreds of miles on a donkey while being 9 months pregnant. And I surely wouldn't be happy if I suddenly went into labor with nowhere to go but a cave with straw, essentially. Very crude and humble beginnings for the son of God, wouldn't you say? I've been thinking, it's a good thing that I wasn't chosen for that special task, because I would have surely grumbled and complained the whole way.
But Mary didn't complain, we are told. What did she say when the angel told her all that was supposed to happen? Mary simply replied, "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." Wow! What a wonderful, service-oriented attitude! No wonder Mary had found favor with God. I am truly inspired by her patience and her willingness to perform the task that God gave to her.
My prayer is, that in the midst of all of my problems this season, I can still be a good servant, like Mary. I still want to put others first. I want to be a blessing to others, even when things aren't totally ideal for me...because it's not all about me, is it?
Merry Christmas, kinky world. :)
I'm trying very hard to not be a grinch this Christmas season, but that's very hard to do when so many things keep going wrong for me. *grumbles*
I just want to feel good again, at least physically. It's exhausting to be sick all the time.
Sorry for being whiney, but it's how I feel. :(
My wisdom tooth hurts. *whimpers* :(
I'm doing some Christmas shopping today, and praying to God that today goes better than yesterday. If you are the praying type, I'd appreciate a few good good words put in for me with the "Man Upstairs," lol. I believe God answers the prayers of kinksters, too! :-P
*Thinks to self: I wonder how people will react to a prayer request, basically, on Collarme's journal section. LOL.*
Time for a whiney entry: My tummy hurts, and so does my mouth. :( I hate not knowing what is making me so sick and unable to eat...and I HATE that my wisdom teeth decided to hop aboard this misery train and add to my eating troubles. Blah!
That's all. I'm taking an Advil PM and waiting for it to do its magic...
Today is extraordinary, and it’s just beginning! I woke up around noon, feeling only about average, and stumbled out of my bed to take my dog outside. I put my iPod in my pocket, and plugged up my ears with a very random song choice: “Don’t Rain on My Parade” by Barbara Streisand. I moved out the door with a little bounce in my step…how can you not love that song? Once I was completely outside and had a clear view of the sky, my mood improved drastically. No more average feeling for me! How could I have felt average under that sky? It was breathtaking. It was a perfect shade of clear, light blue. It was perfectly clean, with little white fluffs of clouds scattered about, and a big white-yellow sun. The sky was so amazingly beautiful that I stopped, stared, and gave thanks to God for sending me something so lovely when I’ve been feeling so down. The best part of all was in the midst of all this beauty, I had this great, feel-good song in my ears, thanks to Babs. Is it any wonder that I’m still smiling, even though I’ve already come inside out of the cold? I half walked, half danced outside under that astonishing sky until the dog was restless, and I thought my ears would surely freeze. As I approached my front door, I was fearful that my elated feelings would leave as soon as I crossed the threshold. Lucky for me, they did not! I’m still feeling great. So great, in fact, that I had to hurry here and gush about it! I hope and pray that this feeling lasts all day, but even if it doesn’t: I’m thankful that it happened at all!
And if by this point you’re thinking that I’m crazy, corny, or just a little too happy about something so small…well, who told you you’re allowed to rain on my parade, anyway? ;)
Looking back on my journal entries, it makes me so mad that so many were about how I loved my Daddy...because now it hurts so bad to look at them. I don't want to delete them, either.
I don't know what I want, really. What else is new?
I'm watching "Up." I love this movie with all my heart. :) I want a love like Carl and Ellie had...full of adventure and good times, but with a D/s element added. Haha.
I wonder if I'll ever find what will make me happy...
-shrugs- Oh, well. I'm not ready to look anywhere right now, anyway...so I guess it doesn't matter. I'm just not ready yet.
Week 2, here I come. -sighs-
I'm watching "Something's Gotta Give." I love this movie.
Gosh, I wish I were as cute as Diane Keaton when she has her crazy, heartbroken, crying spells in this movie...haha.
:-/
Ughhh.
I miss feeling loved. I've never hurt like this. *sighs* :(
Just because I'm in a relationship and I have a Master doesn't mean you can't talk to me. I still like having conversations, and I still like making friends. Is an owned slave really so unapproachable? It makes me sad. :(
It's almost 3:00am and sleep is finally coming to me! I'm ready for bed now, with a sweet melody drifting through my mind. I knew Rachmaninov before bed was a good choice: He's always a good choice! :)
Nighty-night, kinky people. ;)
"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the spaces between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." -Maya Angelou
*sighs* Me too, Miss Angelou. Right now I'm listening to Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto #2. I thank God for beautiful music on lonely nights such as these!
Rachmaninov's music = Passionate! Sexy! My favorite of all time!!!
Oh, and if you can't at least appreciate classical music to some degree, we were never meant to be even friends. Classical music is my oldest love. :)
Loneliness is always the worst at night, when sleep won't come. :(
I am SO MISERABLY BORED!!!
Esther, my basset hound, is quietly barking and wagging her tail in her sleep. ADORABLE! I love this dog with all my heart.
"Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. "Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.
"Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays. "I'll send 'em howling! "I don't care, I got ways.
"No one's gonna hurt you, "No one's gonna dare! "Others can desert you, "Not to worry: Whistle, I'll be there!
"Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while, "But in time... "Nothing can harm you "Not while I'm around..." _________________________________________________
Steven Sondheim is simply AMAZING. Gives me goosebumps!
Which do you think looks like a better time? Lol. :P
Do I really have to go to work? Can't I just be a stay-at-home-slave forever?
-grumble grump!-
I had an AMAZING orgasm tonight, thanks to Daddy and His love of humiliating me. Thank You, Daddy! :D
After an hour of embarrassed torture and then a sweet, sweet release, I am now content and listening to Edward Elgar's "Salut d'Amour." If you know what that is without me telling you, I love you already. If you don't know what it is: don't fear! I'll post it for you, now. ______________________________________________
This song is so lovely and beautiful. I hope you enjoy it. :) It makes me love being in love with my Daddy and my sister slave. I hope it makes you love being in love, or want to be in love, too.
Hahaha...I just realized how strange I am. I'm a total humiliation slut, but I'm still a sap that enjoys "Love's Greeting." Oh, well. I'm me. And I'm loved for it. And that's all I care about.
Goodnight, kinky world. :)
I'm glad to see that the journal entry section has finally witnessed some much needed improvements!
Too bad that right as these improvements take place, I find myself with a terrible case of writer's block. Damn!
At least my font is pretty, right? Right?!
(To Daddy and sister-slave: love you both!)
:)
I'm sick and I want my Daddy.
-pouts-
Sometimes, the things you DON'T say can hurt another person more than anything...
I miss my Daddy and my sister slave so much it hurts. :(
-sighs-
I want a nap and snuggles with Daddy!!!
-grumble grumble-
Today is a Rufus Wainwright kind of day. :)
To my Master: Congratulations, Love. I'm so very proud of You. I love You so much!
:D
Back again! I'm painfully bored, computer or not...UGH!
Anyway...I just came to share a bit of news: I just saw a commercial on TLC for a show called "Sister Wives," which will apparently follow the adventures of a polygamist and his family. It's being called by some people a "real life 'Big Love.'"
I wonder if the "Sister Wives" have sex with each other? Lol. Somehow, I doubt this family has the same sexual makeup as does my poly relationship with Master and my sister slave.
At any rate, I'm VERY glad to see some shred of ANYTHING poly in the media. LONG OVERDUE! I only hope that small strides like this will continue, and make it that much easier for poly people like me to live an open, happier life.
:)
I am SO glad that I finally have a computer again!!!
I feel like I've been disconnected from the outside world for WEEKS now! UGH!
I'm so excited! I've just been surfing the internet all morning. :D
Tummy ache! I need some snugglin' to make it go away! -grumble grumble-
I should go to bed soon.
Oh, good. It just started to rain, and it's very soothing to me. Sleep is softly calling... Hopefully, it will bring dreams of Daddy and my sister-slave.
:)
There are so many angry people on this site! It kinda makes me sad.
In other, unrelated news: I hate distance. It's my least favorite thing in the world.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be in my Daddy's arms again!
:(
I'm just a little girl who needs her Daddy...
I miss You, my Love. :(
I can't even begin to express how happy I am that my Master is NOT a crazy-ass.
I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.
Thank You, Daddy, for being safe and sane. Thank You for being patient and loving. Thank You for being firm, yet understanding. Thank You for not EXPECTING me to stay naked 24/7, yet making it known that You have the power to do exactly as You wish with me. I'm grateful that You care about my health so much that You'd never give me more than what You know I can take.
Thank You for realizing that we are real people in the real world. Thank You for never asking the impossible of me, but still always expecting the best I can give, which is what You deserve.
Thank You just for being You. You're the best, and I'm madly in love with You.
-Your lil' one. <3
"Nobody does it better... Makes me feel sad for the rest... Nobody does it half as good as you... Baby, you're the best!"
Sing it, lady! I think Carly Simon is amazing, and I love this song!
Master, You're the best. That's what I'm sure she really meant, haha. :)
I absolutely love Mary Travers of Peter, Paul, and Mary.
I would give nearly anything to have a voice as strong and moving as hers!
When I'm lonely, she sings me through it. I've been leaning on her voice a lot lately.
Thanks for being there for me, Mary. God bless your soul. Even after you've passed from this life, you continue to help people like me who are still here. :)
Sitting around and doing nothing would be so boring!
I guess I could get my packing out of the way...I get to go home Wednesday night. I'm so excited to see my precious little ginger nephew!! :D
Hmm...what else to do today? I was thinking about making some dinner and inviting a friend over or something...but I think most everyone has already gone home for the holidays.
*sigh* It sucks being alone. It's a good thing I've got Esther to keep me company or I'd go totally bonkers.
But...I'm gonna quit complaining now. I have a lot to be thankful for...like day #2 of no work! Woot!
:)
AT LAST! PRAISE BE TO GOD!
IT'S MY DAY OFF!!!! :D
Plans for today: -cuddling with Esther -baking a million gingerbread men -cleaning and doing laundy (I can't wait to mop the floors!!) -watching a whole bunch of Christmas movies
*happy sigh*
Yeah...this is gonna be the best day I've had in a long time!
:) :) :)
I just walked home in the freezing rain.
Twenty minutes of my fingers going numb.
Ughhh....
But you know what? I sang the whole damn time!
I wasn't about to let the rain steal my joy!!!
Take that, adverse weather gods!
:D
So...I wasn't really on at all last night because I have to use a computer lab (mine's messed up) and I didn't want to leave Esther alone after she was alone so long while I worked. I tried to bring her in here and it didn't work out too well, so I gave up pretty quickly, haha. Yes, I brought my hound dog in a public computer lab...I thought it was a good idea at the time...? LOL.
So we went back to the apartment and cuddled. She fell asleep with her face on my face and started snoring. It was the most precious thing ever. I totally swelled with motherly love, haha.
Then we went to bed. And around 3am, I woke up to a puddle of puke. Hahaha...that put the brakes on the precious stuff, ay? Good thing for her that unconditional love is a two-way street in our relationship. She couldn't do a thing to make me dote on her any less.
Is it sad that I give this much love to a dog? Wait...you know what? Scratch that question, because I'll answer it: it's NOT sad! I think it shows how much love I'm capable of, damnit! If I care about my puppy that much, how much do you think I care about the people in my life? Yeah...bet you didn't think of that. :P
Guess where I'm going?
Work! You guessed it... blaaaaah.
Saturday can't come fast enough! I can spend the whole day cleaning, cuddling with the baby, and making a million gingerbread men.
Just two more days...I can do it!
Poor Esther-boo will be alone for most of the day...she's going to be royally pissed at me when I get home, lol.
*sigh* Well...it's nearly that time again.
Ta-ta for now... :)
I think I'll listen to a few Chopin nocturnes and then I should be ready for bed and a hot and heavy cuddling session with the love of my life...yes, my basset hound. HAHAHA! Oh, god...that's probably really pitiful, but I don't care. She loves me, damnit!
Whoever is strong enough to appreciate my extremely nerdy personality: you deserve an award. A big, shiny one!
Night-night, kinky world! :)
Work consumes me!!! *clutches bosom in a very dramatic manner*
Ok, ok...so it's not all bad! I'm just a little tired right now. I'm totally thankful to have a job and a steady paycheck coming in...don't mistake me!
...Especially being the holiday season! Is it any wonder that a submissive would LOVE Christmas?! It's the season of giving, for God's sake! It's what we live for! Hahaha. :P
I must finish my Christmas shopping...time is ticking! I love giving gifts to people. The older I've grown, the more I've found that I love giving so much more than receiving. I'm having a hard time thinking about what I want...because all I really want is to give gifts that show all the people in my life how much I love and cherish them.
Ok, ok...I have to stop this before it gets too sappy, lol. I'll save the really mushy sentiments for when it gets a little closer to Christmas Day. Haha. :D
After a short stay of only a couple of days, my roomie, James, has left again... :(
This time, however, he left baby Esther with me!!! YAY! I'm so glad that I have a cuddle buddy while I suffer through having an empty apartment.
I have no clue when I'll be able to go home for Christmas...boo! Hopefully sooner than later, yet work consumes my life!!!
Ok...back to playing fetch with the baby girl. :)
I'm so glad that my roomie has returned with my beloved basset hound! I couldn't stand being away from my baby Esther for that long! Lol...
As soon as she came home today, she ran through the door and got in my lap and licked my face without mercy...I loved every second of it!
I guess it's no wonder a lot of Dom/mes out there love puppy play...who wouldn't love that kind of devoted attention and love lavished on them all the time?
Anyway...time to go back and snuggle my baby on the couch. I have a lot of puppy cuddling to do to make up for this past week of being without the little dear.
:D
I hate not having regular computer access...boo!!! :(
In other news, I'm much too tired to sleep. Does that even make sense? I'm achy and cranky and I don't think lying down will do me any good.
I'm also whiney right now...can you tell? Hehe.. :P
I promise I'll try to stop. I know how terribly unattractive whining can be...
*smile and look pretty*
:D
I've been in a Judy Garland mood for a couple of days. So fabulous!
She was a gorgeous, talented, wonderful woman. I admire her a great deal.
She was also a tragic character, the poor thing. Perhaps that's why I'm drawn to her...though I am a generally positive person, I'll be honest and admit that I have a very deep-seated melancholy nature. I'm drawn to adversity...I suppose I just find it more interesting in comparison to other things. I don't know why.
Anyway, she is just wonderful and I want to share this song with you...I think it's so classy and sexy. *sigh* LOVE IT!
Let's see...what else? Oh, yes: I bought a gorgeous peacoat yesterday! It's long, black, and really classic. I'm so excited about it...bring it on, winter! I'll greet you in style! ;)
That's about all for now...until my next entry, then! (Which will probably be sooner than later...I'm becoming compulsive with these things, haha.)
:D
I need a new winter coat, and I'm fairly certain I'm going shopping with my mother today for one.
I'm not afraid to admit that I love my momma to death! She's one of the few reasons that I come home for the holidays.
We don't always see eye to eye on everything, but she's there for me and I know she loves me.
*laughs* I'm sure she'd be absolutely touched that I paid her such a heartfelt tribute...on collarme. LOL.
Anyway...a winter coat is what I'm hunting for today. My old one is simply worn out, and the weather is starting to take a cold turn...
What kind of coat should I get? Suggestions?
Chopin's Nocturne Op. 37 no. 1 is absolutely DIVINE!!!
It sends chills up my spine. Everytime I hear it, I fall in love with it all over again. I could never ever get tired of listening to it.
I don't know...the melody is just so gorgeous and unique. It's beautiful and haunting and moving and unlike anything else.
I know, I know...I've really been in a musical mood today. I'm not sure why.
I've also been in a journaling mood. I'm sorry to bombard you with so many entries!
This will most likely be my last one for tonight.
Sweet dreams. :)
Music, in my opinion, is the highest form of artistic expression that exists.
Music can stir in us emotions that cannot be explained in words.
Our deepest fears, desires, and passions can all be touched by music.
Music can move us to tears; it can make us speechless.
All without ever using one word.
God, I love music!!!
(Sorry...Beethoven just put me in a really artistic/sappy mood. Haha.)
:)
These words sum up my outlook on life... _____________________________________
Smile though your heart is aching Smile, even though it's breaking When there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by If you smile, through your fear and sorrow Smile, and there'll be tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through If you'll.... Light up your face with gladness Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear, may be ever so near, That's the time, you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you'll just.... Light up your face with gladness Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear, may be ever so near, That's the time, you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you'll just.... Smile ____________________________________
And who better to sing these words than the lovely Judy Garland? Yeah, that's what I thought: nobody! This is such an emotional performance and I really love it:
When we sleep with our current flames, the haunts of past relationships are there with us.
For me, they come in dreams...it's so exhausting.
I'm always having dreams about past relationships, old flames...I wake with this feeling of...I don't know...a feeling of remorse that it didn't work out. It doesn't matter how screwed up the relationship was or was not...I feel an equal amount of remorse for all my past loves.
Is that crazy? Am I crazy for even quoting Freud at all? LOL...
Is anyone else haunted with old flames like me? How do you deal? I'm getting tired of not being able to go to sleep without being bombarded by every person that used to mean something to me...
That's all for now. I'm actually in a really good mood right now; I'm just being pensive about all my relationship ghosts coming to me in dreams, haha.
:D
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
My Thanksgiving had a rocky start, but it's going to have a Rocky finish...allow me to explain:
My older brother showed up to dinner high. And the asshole of the year award goes to him! Whoo! Ugh...so, yeah...that was the source of a lot of stress and arguing at dinner this afternoon.
Fortunately, the Rocky finish is quite literally a Rocky finish. I'm going to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show with some good friends. That should definitely perk up this ho-hum day, yes?
Nothing like Tim Curry in fishnets and heels. Yummy! LOL. :D
(Not that I'm normally into cross-dressing men...but for some reason, Tim Curry pulls it off. Who knows?)
Gobble Gobble! :P
(I know I'm silly.)
...And I'm also rambling! Ahhh! lol...
Ok, ok...bye-bye!
I'm feeling sad today. :(
I don't do well with being alone at all. It's probably my biggest issue, weakness...or whatever you want to call it.
I'm home for Thanksgiving, and while I'm glad to be back and visiting my family, there's a whole lot of down time where no one is here. Then there's a big chunk of time where people ARE here, but they just don't talk.
Also, my puppy is staying with my friend (and her co-owner) for the biggest part of my time here. So, I'm really suffering from Esther withdrawls. Who knew a silly little hound dog could be so addictive? Ah, how I love her! :*(
I'll be fine, really. I feel guilty for even whining about all of this. I wish I weren't so needy. But that's exactly what I am: a very needy person. That's probably not too attractive of a quality, ay?
Ok, I'm off.
And if I don't get to get back on tomorrow: Happy Thanksgiving to all!
So...this is why you should be nice to nerds like me: (I lol'd so much at this!)
All I have to say is that having a puppy is SO HARD! (An actual puppy, lol).
She is a basset hound and her name is Esther. She is absolutely adorable, but also the source of added stress.
The apartment has been a WRECK since I got her, and if I don't clean it up tonight, I'm pulling an Oedipus Rex and poking my damn eyes out! Hahaha...
Ok, I guess I should sign off and go clean now. I can't stand for things to be a mess, and my apartment looks really awful.
PS: If you got the reference to Oedipus Rex, I like you already. :)
After a much needed break, I'm back. I'm not sure that I'll be able to find anyone this time around, either...but I'm doing my best to remain hopeful.
I just want someone who will allow me to be my submissive self. Someone who will be realistic and take the good with the bad.
Someone who is LOCAL. Someone real.
Is that far too much to ask?
Oh, but look: I'm almost being negative just as I've arrived. I can't have that.
*smile and look pretty*
:D
I freaking love Rufus Wainwright!
Random...?
Yes, just a little.
But if you are in the mood for good music and you look him up, you won't be disappointed. :)
Ok...well, you might be, lol. I don't want to get your hopes up for something, when it may not be for you after all. *sigh* I know all too well what THAT feels like. :-/
I'm seriously considering taking a break from this site and from my search for a suitable Dom...
In short: this site is full of bullshit. Total, unadulterated BULLSHIT.
And it's frustrating to the few of us here who are genuine and have good hearts.
*sigh* I still don't know what I'm going to do yet...
I'm watching Phantom of the Opera.
Again.
For the fourth time in three days.
Sometimes I get on kicks where I'll watch a movie over and over again...that happens sometimes with songs I'm listening to, as well...
It drives other people NUTS!
Lol... :P
I'm having a real dilemma here: I am torn about what to do with a situation regarding a former friend of mine.
Long story short: We were really good friends, then a switch flipped and he turned into an ass. For some reason, he started really disrespecting me, and talking down to me all the time. Things finally came to a head, and I cut him from my life.
I mean, totally cut ties with him. At the time I did this, I decided that having him in my life and treating me so badly was more painful than not having him at all. So, I let him go and ended our friendship.
Lately, however, I've been mulling it over and over in my mind. I'm wondering if I should give him a second chance. Should I try to approach him, and give him an opportunity to begin with me anew?
I think it's important to mention that I honestly was not at fault. I'm a very honest person, and if I had done something to warrant such treatment, I would certainly admit it. However, that's not the case. I really did NOTHING to deserve how he treated me.
So...what would you do? Just leave it alone? Or would you try to make things right again?
*sigh* I don't know...I guess I just have a big heart. Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...but it's been bothering me lately.
So, I'm trying to grow my hair out again...I'm kind of an emotional hair-cutter and over the past few years I've succeeded in wacking off a great many inches. :(
Anyway, it is, perhaps, about an inch past my shoulders at this point. However, I'm terribly impatient! I want it to grow faster...
Does anyone have any suggestions? Does anyone have any tricks to growing your hair out faster? If you do, I'd appreciate your sharing them. Thanks! ;-)
"She takes just like a woman, yes, she does. She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does. And she aches just like a woman...but she breaks just like a little girl."
*sigh* You gotta love Bob Dylan...
I got to have a pretty long visit with my nephew today. :) He had grown so much since the last time I'd seen him! I can't believe he'll be 2 this July.
He is so cute! He is a very playful, giggly baby and I just love it! He is also a ginger, and I'm terribly jealous, lol. My hair isn't nearly as red as it was when I was little...so seeing his carrot top makes me nostalgic for my auburn hair of childhood.
Anyway, seeing him was good for me. It's impossible to feel down when you are around such a precious, lovable child. Even at such a young age, his happiness is absolutely contagious...and that's one thing I needed to catch. :D
Good news: I'm actually getting sleepy tonight! VERY sleepy! And this is happening before 3:00am!
...So why am I forcing myself to stay awake in order to watch The Wedding Singer?
Because I'm a silly ass. And this movie rocks.
;-)
I can't sleep. Yet again. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I've been home.
I think I'm just restless, and I can't seem to feel truly comfortable here.
I'm too busy keeping my guard up all the time. You know, there are only 5 people here that know I'm bisexual...and my father is not one of them. It gets exhausting when you are constantly paranoid about accidentally outing yourself...
My mother knows...but that doesn't really help my situation. She doesn't accept it. She loves me, and I know that...but she will never accept that part of me, and that's really sad.
It's just a bit of a shock, I suppose...I'm totally out at school. Everyone knows; I make no attempts to hide it.
Them I come here, and I have to be somebody else. I have to be the person everyone remembers from high school.
I just feel like I'm lying to myself all over again...I feel like I'm back in the closet everytime I come here. Well, really: I AM back in the closet everytime I come here.
*sigh* Oh, well...I just have to learn to find peace within myself. Sometimes that's really hard, though. I'm by no means a weak person, but I must admit that I function best in relation to other people. And not being able to communicate honestly while I'm here is absolutely crushing me...
I just have to learn how to pull myself up. I have to depend on myself while I'm here...I'm afraid I don't know anyone else who can give me the support I need while I'm here.
It will be ok, though. Ha...maybe that's just my undying optimism talking. You may not know it from my recent journal entries...but I'm usually a very happy, optimistic person.
Home does bad things to me and my spirit....
Anyway, I'm going to go take a long shower and just concentrate on depending on myself for the coming months.
I don't understand why more people don't appreciate her comedy...
Being home makes me feel like a child again, and that is NOT a good thing.
It's terribly frustrating when you are a 20 year old adult and your mother won't stop calling you to dinner because "it's getting cold."
When I went to college, I built a new life for myself. I separated myself from this place and the people in it. That may sound a little cold, but I promise it's not. I'm not a cold person at all.
The reason why I wanted so badly to distance myself from everything and everyone here is because it is all poison. The people, the place...everything about home is poison. This is the most closed-minded, backward place on the map.
When I'm in Louisville, I feel free and happy. I feel like myself. When I'm home, I don't recognize myself. It's that poison I was talking about...it's already killing my spirits.
*sigh* Nothing beats snuggling into bed with clean, warm sheets fresh from the dryer.
Well, ok...maybe snuggling with a person beats it.
But for now sheets will have to do.
:-/
Night, all!
I'm...
So--
Damn--
B O R E D !
Save me! :P
The worst part of being home?
The loneliness.
I feel like I'm hundreds of miles from civilization or anyone that I would even care to talk to...
*sigh* I'm in dire need of like-minded friends here in the middle of nowhere. I truly need so much more than that...but friends would be a great beginning, at the very least.
:(
I can't sleep. :(
I'm going to try to listen to a little Chopin and see if that works...a nocturne of his would probably be the most useful right now, but I'm just craving the Polonaise Heroic.
...I may never sleep tonight. ;)
I'm pleased to announce that my little brother won 1st prize in the science fair!
YAY!
I'm so glad I was able to help him secure victory over all the other fourth-graders, haha. :P
I really hate the rain. I know that it's essential for life and evertything, but it drives me nuts! Everything gets nasty and stays soaked forever...it's dark and dreary. It just gets me feeling down. :(
Except at night. I actually love it when it rains as I'm going to sleep, because it's so peaceful and relaxing.
Yes, I know I just contradicted myself...but I'm a woman and it's my prerogative to change my mind. :P
Last night I set my alarm for 11:11 am...when I woke up this morning, at 11:11 am, I made a wish. :)
I know...I'm right up there with the cheesiest. But I can't help it if the small things in life bring me great pleasure. :D
Upon being prompted for ideas of ways to entertain myself, a friend suggested I should celebrate Cinco de Mayo for the time it has remaining.
So, I'm listening to some tangos by Roberto Goyeneche and eating chips and salsa...
...The sad thing is that Roberto Goyeneche is from Argentina and I'm eating Tostitos chips and salsa.
As a Spanish major, I should be disgusted with myself...but in my defense, there is very little Mexican culture to be found here in the middle of nowhere.
¡Lo siento, México!
Today was fairly uneventful. I just spent the whole day cleaning. It was actually pretty peaceful, to have the house to myself and be able to clean it. I especially enjoy mopping floors...does that make me crazy? Haha...
The only thing that makes cleaning better, however, is when someone appreciates you for doing it...and no one has said anything yet. :(
*sigh* Oh, well...
Wow...as I clicked on "Edit Journal" to write another journal entry, I realized it was my third one today! Haha...
It was then that it became apparent how bored I really am!
Anyway, now that my secret is out, and it's obvious that I'm compulsively updating my journal because I'm suffering from a severe lack of things to do, I guess the least I could do is give you something to take away from my boring prattle.
So, here's a quote for you: "Only a life lived for others is the life worthwhile." -Albert Einstein
I not only love that quote, but believe it with all my heart. A life of service is the most worthy, in my opinion, and it's what I want my life to be. :)
Ok, I'm finished journaling for boredom's sake. If you made it this far in the entry, you are one hell of a sport. ;)
Today my official hunt for a job began!
I just hope I have some luck finding summer employment...very few people are willing to hire someone that will leave them in a few short months...should I leave out that detail? Everyone says I should, but I have to admit that being dishonest really isn't in my nature. So, I'm pretty torn. :(
Anyway...job hunts = misery, so please wish me luck! :D
LOL!
I just attempted a voice entry and failed miserably...oh, well.
I prefer the old-fashioned method anyway...not that online journaling is old-fashioned...by ANY stretch of the imagination, really...
...So, I guess the truth is that I just failed miserably and that's that. HA!
Oh, technology...*shakes head*
This evening I helped my little brother with his science project...and I have to be lame and admit that it was fun. Even though it was work, I was glad to help him and it was constructive time we could spend together. Maybe there are good things about being home. :)
Oh, and just in case you ever wanted to know...Bounty and Brawny paper towels have the exact same average absorbancy...thank you, 4th grade science! :P
"I will wear my title of submissive with honor, I will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub-human. I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way."
What if you don't do anything to cause someone to think you are weak or sub-human? What if they are just misguided, and naturally (and incorrectly) assume this? Because I'm honestly not sure what I can do to convince the people I've confided in OUTSIDE of the lifestyle that I'm not weak, crazy, or fishing for abuse...*grumble-grumble-sigh*
I've avoided unpacking for long enough, I suppose...I've got to do it today. Maybe I haven't done it yet because I'm in denial that I'm home, and stuck here for the summer. :(
In any case, unpacking is a terribly overwhelming job. All of my belongings are in boxes and bags and such and I have to find a place for all of this stuff in this one, small room.
BLAH! Oh, well...I'm going to put on some good music and make it fun. :)
"The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service."
Yeah, I agree with that...in fact, that hunger is eating me alive right now. *sigh*
I just found a tick crawling up my arm...and I'm only sitting in my bedroom. I haven't even been outside today.
God, I hate the country!!!
I'm SO glad that the semester is over and that I don't have anymore finals...
...However, I'm NOT so glad that I'm going home this week. :(
I hate being from BFE...and I HATE having to return to BFE because I'm a poor college kid.
Thank GOD I'm getting an apartment here in the fall...I can't stand not being in Louisville!
I LOVE MUSIC.
I mean, absolutely love it. Not just any kind of music, either. True, I have very broad tastes...but my LOVE of music, my deepest passion for music is reserved for classical music. Generally speaking, I love classical music of all kinds: All the way from Baroque to Neo-Classical. I love an assortment of composers: Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin, Debussy?but one composer has a very special place in my heart. That composer is Rachmaninoff.
NO ONE can rival the passion of Rachmaninoff in my mind (or in my heart for that matter). I wish I could adequately describe his music, but I don?t think words could ever do it justice. Isn?t that the beauty of music, though? That it doesn?t need words? Music can say what words cannot. It can reach into that place deep inside your spirit, a place you can?t even begin to explain, and saturate you with such incredible feeling. That?s exactly what the music of Rachmaninoff does to me.
When I listen to Rachmaninoff, I am reduced to a completely helpless, emotional state. I become a total contradiction of terms. I am satisfied, yet longing for more. I am at peace, yet unsettled. I am at ease, yet soaring in flight. I am blissful, but also melancholy. It never ceases to amaze me that Rachmaninoff?s music is able to provoke in me the most complete experience of all human emotion. His music seizes my heart and traps me in its spell. It is utterly full of life. It?s as if all the moments that make life worth living were wrapped up in one repertoire. Music with that much power is nearly overwhelming, to say the least. It?s no wonder that I feel an extraordinary sense of fullness each time I listen to it. I become so filled with passion that it seems my heart would burst if I had no release. I suppose that?s why Rachmaninoff almost never fails to bring me to tears. That?s the only way the sensations he stirs can be freed.
There is one feeling Rachmaninoff creates in me that cannot be released, however, and that is regret. Sometimes I feel this same sense of regret when listening to other music, but it becomes nearly unbearable when I listen to Rachmaninoff. My regret is that I am not a musician, and I never learned to be one. I always had this inexplicable fear of ruining the music that I love so much, so I never even tried to learn to play it. Now, when I listen to Rachmaninoff, so full of life and passion, I am dismayed that I am not listening to it as a musician. Sometimes I think that I would be able to better experience his music if I were a musician. Perhaps I would understand it more, or at least be able to describe how it makes me feel in a more educated way. All I have now is the emotion I feel. I may not be able to explain the musicality of Rachmaninoff in technical terms, but I know what I feel in my heart each time I hear his music. You know, maybe that?s enough.
So...I've recently discovered that I love writing on my journal on here. :)
I used to journal all the time, but just seemed to get to busy for it at some point. I love that I can just come here, write a little ditty, and be done with it. It doesn't feel like any effort at all. :)
Granted, this only makes my third journal entry...haha! However, I think they are going to become more frequent. I guess I had forgotten how cathartic journaling can be...even when it's something seemingly small. :)
And now, I'm off to bed...I have a final in French at 8:00am tomorrow, and I still haven't really recovered from last night's all-nighter craziness....
*zzzzzzz*
I just wrote a 15 page paper in about 12 hours or so...I didn't sleep a wink last night...
OH... MY... GOD...
*sigh* Yet I'm not really proud of myself. I'm SUCH a procrastinator. It's really my worst quality, I think. I've always put things off, even as a child...and now I've gotten myself so deeply buried in a habit that I don't know how to get out of it.
I wonder if I'll EVER just bite the bullet and do something ahead of time? Maybe even just once?
I hope I can, someday.
And now, off to sleep...I've been awake for way too long....
Ugh...sometimes I HATE being in college. Now is one of those times.
I'm just so tired of being in school. I've been in school since I was 5 years old...shouldn't it be time for a break already?
Not to mention, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I just want to help people. I just want to look after peoples' needs and make the world a better place. Yes, I'm a bit of a bleeding heart. :) Anyway, the point is that there is no "Helping People" major out there...
Sometimes I think maybe college isn't for me. Sometimes I think that the only reason I'm here is because I feel like other people expect me to be here. Other people want me here, and they think it will be good for me. So, I stay as to not disappoint them.
I just wish I could find my place of helping people in this world, without having to pay 4 years worth of tuition to do it...
Freddie Mercury. He inspires me to be FABULOUS!
