I have two penises.....    

Really do.  I tell everyone that the extra one is a tail because of its location.  The tail explanation seems to work, and nobody gives it a second thought.
 
One of my other physical complications is that I was born without a face.  Seriously I was, as you can so clearly see.   So, here’s the jist of it all.   I met a girl on a website who wanted me to send her a face shot.  What could I do?   I don’t have a face, so I had to improvise.
 
I decided to send her a blurry picture of my backside … you know kinda' like my "tail" would look like a nose and all?
 
It worked!
 
We got married and had seventeen lovely children (albeit they do get teased at school a lot because they have my features).
 
It was somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship, however.  Unfortunately it didn’t last.  She eventually decided that she wanted someone who was nothing at all like me, someone who was my exact opposite.  So she left me for some two-faced, dickless jerk.
 
Do I sound bitter?   I’m not really.  It’s just a fact.  Her new husband has two faces and no dick.  It’s no big deal.  Half the population was born penis-free, and sometimes I’ve been asked to share mine...but I digress.
 
Anyway, long before we split we sold the kids to a traveling circus, and I haven’t seen them in years, so you don’t have worry about their daily emotional trauma, just mine.
 
I used the money I got from selling the kids to buy this really cool set of Tupperware,  (do you remember your Mom's Tupperware?) but that bitch got all the plastic lids in the divorce settlement, so what’s left isn’t very useful anymore…but hey, what can you do?
 
So, I guess my perfect match would be someone who has a lot of Tupperware lids…and that’s what I am meaning to discuss here.  I’m hoping beyond all hope that you can come together with me in this most sacred of BDSM and D/s lifestyle foundations, Tupperware. 

The bottom line is this:  If you have a Tupperware fetish, then I have a collar for you.  (for more info see my soon to be released book: “Torture with Tupperware”. ) 

Paul D.

 *Paul D. is the famed author of many books on this subject including "Dungeon Kitchen", “Master of the Container”, “Suck my Dick and Seal It”,  and of course the all time best seller, “Keep it Fresh Bitch, cuz’ you're Eatin’ it Tomorrow.”

So, I’m contacted here by this rather naïve PYT (who still lives at home and probably lied about her age) who claims she just loves “dirty old men, the more perverted the better”.....  
which puts things into a self-perspective that I’m not sure I’m ready for, but I guess "if the shoe fits"...  
Anyway, she begins to cite all of the experiences she’s had with men of a certain age.   
Well, I instinctively take a fatherly perspective and try to convince her that having uncommitted sex with different partners all the time isn’t that good of an idea, and it can produce unintended consequences, and men that are too old can complicate things even more.  
 
So, I say look...  
“Do you know what can happen if you sneak away to a hotel for a night with some kinky old man? Hmmm? What if he has heart trouble or something? What are you going to do with the body if he dies of a heart attack in the throws of your passionate embrace? Huh?...... Here’s this lifeless old fart, wearing mouse ears, a Taylor Swift t-shirt, your panties in his mouth, and a half empty bottle of Dom Peri stuck up his ass, and YOU have to deal with it....How are you going explain that to the hotel manager, the paramedics, and the police?....Not to mention his wife, who will probably turn out to be someone who knows your Mother!”  
 
Needless to say, that lecture was counterproductive to advancing my romantic interests.  
 
So, I decided to log off and go drown my sorrow with the true beverage of Dominants. What else but a bottle of Dom Perignon?  
 
(And no, I did not ‘do’ anything with the bottle.)   

Here’s an ad: “Does a Diaper Girl seek a Daddy Dom for play time, care, and changing?.....Depends.” lol (the rest of the ad was boring.)



Still more....but I think it's what you want to find out.  So don't stop now.

I WANT YOUR BODY  
(maybe)  
 
Here's a quick compatibility check.  
 
***I’m seeking a long term relationship with someone who can (someday) relocate to a tropical palm tree paradise, at least during winter months. Mexico, the Caribbean, Hawaii, or even the South Pacific. I already have such a place, but I don’t care that much where, as long as it’s lazy, stress free, and naked moonlight swims are a real activity. Think of it as getting spanked while trying not to spill your fruity drink with the little umbrella in it. (Nice work if you can get it.)  
 
***I do not have any children, and seek same. Not a deal breaker if you have a brat, but I’m not *real* Daddy material by any stretch of the imagination. Yes, I’d knock you up if you are so absolutely intent on being a baby factory that I could not talk you out of it, and I’m sure having my own little bundle of joy would instinctively change my attitude when it comes to accepting the responsibility of parenting. Hey, I’ll donate time and money to help children who are less fortunate, but please don’t look here for someone to raise your little 'can-do-no-wrongs'. And while I’m on the subject, if you really are looking for a good influence to raise your kids, WTF are you doing here? You’re at the wrong website, sweetheart. Try eHarmony dot com.  
 
***Also keep in mind that I am not a big hairy bear, and our comparative physical stature can have much to do within the psychological dynamics of a D/s relationship. I know, I know…the little petite girls get most of the guys and that’s not fair…but I didn’t make the world the way it is. So if you are large enough to take me two falls out of three, then you should probably pass…(or at least bring some slippery cooking oil to make the contest a fun one).  
 
DEFINITELY write to me if you match up with most of these:  
*You are seeking a long term relationship.  
*You like to call someone 'Daddy' (LGs welcome).  
*You prefer embarrassment and feeling vulnerable (just a little bit over humiliation and pain).  
*Your kinky side is personal, and not for the whole world to know about.  
*You are not into group sex, with the possible exception of expressing your bi-curiosity with the right person. (Now why do guys like that?)  
*You are not into real life actual participation in sex clubs, sex with strangers, couple swaps, or being passed around to my male friends (however the curiosity of watching others play, is fine).  
*You use the word "trust" when you describe the perfect relationship.  
*You are willing to relocate (someday) to a warm climate.  
*You are STD free, and you want someone who is likewise.  
 
MAYBE look a little deeper and correspondence if:  
*You are very sexual, but not sure what you want, or how to express it.  
*You are new to all of this and want some good ideas on how to proceed.  
*You want to limit things to on online, until you really know someone.  
*You are always thinking out of the box, with creative, mind expanding ideas.  
*Your intellect prohibits you from finding conversation that is interesting.  
*You have a killer sense of humor, love to laugh, and/or have very positive outlook on life.  
*You’re looking for someone that just might be crazy in the exact same way you are.  
 
NO, I AM NOT FOR YOU at all if:  
*You are married, owned, or committed to another male or a Domme female.  
*You are a Domme that enjoys inflicting pain on men.  
*Permanent scaring of your body is an attractive idea.  
*Knives, blood, and edge play get you excited.  
*You have excessive body art.  
*You are attracted to all things “dark”.  
*You are totally “out” with this lifestyle to everyone you meet.  

There now. Wasn’t that easy? Just have the tattoo with your ex's name removed from your ass, and you're good to go.