HouseWulf

Zen and BDSM

An unusual approach to Life and Love

By BlackWulf

I sat alone thinking yesterday. I do this quite often since I now have time to do so. I had been doing some exploration of Zen sayings on the internet and it brought me to a question in my mind. I wondered if Zen could co-exist within the BDSM-D/s lifestyle. It was a curious thought and examination because the supposed essence of BDSM would appear to be the antithesis of the Zen mind.

In BDSM-D/s there is an exchange of power and control. Zen is the opposite however because it exchanges nothing, powers nothing and controls nothing. BDSM-D/s is dedicated to give and take, Zen is dedicated to ?being?. A person might not understand the difference in that BDSM is ?action? and Zen appears to be ?inaction?. So, the question is, ?How can they co-exist?? I began thinking of the elements of BDSM-D/s and comparing them to the elements of Zen. What I found was that they both have many similarities and both can co-exist.

Both Zen and BDSM-D/s see life as ?circles?. What do we mean by that? It is simple; there is no other form that describes the give and take of the BDSM-D/s relationship and the universe of Yin and Yang adequately. The BDSM lifestyle is often described as two sides of a single coin (i.e. Yin and Yang) wherein neither Dominant or submissive can exist without the other in a specific state. Neither can be what they believe they are without the other so it is simply a symbiotic relationship. The Zen lifestyle, if followed as defined, is about existing within the circle of life, both taking and giving without discrimination. In other words, being Zen is being the ?coin? in all ways yet not striving to be the ?coin?.

You might ask, ?How can this Zen mind be applied to BDSM-D/s?? The question is a valid one within the context of normal understanding yet if one looks deeper we can see that the question is not valid because it carries no real reference.

What this all comes down to is a simple knowing of self. We preach this ?knowing of self? in BDSM-D/s just as it?s taught in Zen. In BDSM we say, ?You cannot control another if you cannot control yourself?. In Zen it would be something akin to, ?To know yourself is to know others; to understand yourself allows you to be able to understand others?. Knowledge is power when dealing with others and the world, the trick is to not use that power and still let it shine through so that those that would compliment you may find you.

What does it mean ?those that would compliment you?? Does it mean praise or acclaim? No, it means compatibility at the spiritual level. Each of us has an image of themselves. Each of us seeks someone that allows us to feel complete. Here is the difference between the common thought in BDSM and that of Zen; No one can complete you except yourself and those who try to find completeness outside themselves seek in vain. If you have a void within yourself how can anyone else fill it, for only you know what that void is. How can you offer something of value (yourself) to another if that value is not yet known?

Here is where Zen and BDSM converge. Both describe a state of completeness that is internal rather than external to the world around them. In both one must know themselves, see themselves and understand themselves before they can attain a state of peace. In BDSM-D/s the peace is the combined interaction between the Dominant and the submissive so that both give and receive, without struggle, what is necessary to complete their circle. In Zen, peace is attained when the interactions of the circle are understood, known and accepted without the constant striving between individuals. An appropriate example is this; ?Between humans conflict over power, the give and take is always a struggle. The simple definition of D/s is struggle?. The Dominant receives only such power as is allowed to them by the submissive, thus creating the struggle over that power. The Dominant wants more control or power, the submissive desires to keep control and power. You can see the obvious incompatibility of this situation even while it is the Ideal within its paradigm. It is a struggle between the two and there is no peace in struggle. There is only peace in acceptance and understanding.

Many Dominants will pound their chest declaring their dominance in the vain hope that this will establish their dominance in the mind of others. The submissive is oftentimes drawn to the outward display, yet shies away from it later because, if they understand the nature of themselves, they know that the display itself is ?trying? to be Dominant rather than ?being? Dominant. Submissives do the same thing, they profess their submission to the world, making a show of it and yet this cries out as the same vain display in hopes of attracting a Dominant or making the world and people around them see them as ?submissive?.

See how the state of ?being? as compared to the state of ?trying? is the definitive demarcation? A quote from a popular movie states, ?Do, or Do Not, There is no Try?. In relation to the Zen approach to BDSM-D/s it becomes, ?Be, or Be Not, There is no Try?.

Now it has been said, ?the Zen approach to BDSM-D/s?. Is it a viable path? Can one be a Zen Master or a Zen submissive? I believe so if we divest ourselves of certain concepts and misconceptions. Firstly we need to understand ourselves and our needs if we are to move within the BDSM lifestyle. Much of BDSM is hedonistic and very sexual. Some will deny that statement but yet it is very true. At the same time the D/s relationship is much more than merely sex. This is where the Zen part comes in, the spiritual interaction between the Dominant and the submissive.

In the spiritual Zen D/s relationship the Dom and sub understands themselves and their nature. This understanding gives then an internal power or ?presence?. One does not need to wear the trappings of the ?Dominant? or the ?submissive? one can sit in a corner and the presence flows around them. Be they Dominant or submissive, their behavior and self assurance states it clearly and that behavior can only be displayed if they truly understand their nature. A self assured Dominant who understands themselves and is in control of themselves is readily apparent.

The same is true of the submissive. As with Dominance being a state of mind so is submission. The submissive knows themselves well, has found a center within themselves and knows they are of value. At the same time they also know that value is an abstract and relates only to how they see themselves. Only when they understand they have value can they offer that value. When neither Dom nor sub outwardly ?tries? to be what they see themselves as they will find that complimentary state of co-existence. Again it comes down to the Zen practice of ?being? rather than struggling to be.

The biggest problem with attaining a Zen D/s relationship in the BDSM world is that most of the people within BDSM have traumatic and pain driven issues. Abandonment, loss of control, fear, abuse and a myriad of other events string along behind people and it colors their views and may cloud their understanding of Self. Usually they are tied far too deeply into their issues to be able to see, accept and understand themselves thus making them unable to see and understand others.

We must first understand and accept ourselves. We must first look deep inside and find our center so that we can look around us with the ability to ?see? rather than react to what is seen. When we can do this, we become who we really are, not who we think we are. Once we know and then we understand, we then become, thus the state of?being?is achieved. When you know your place and who you are within yourself then there is no conflict when you meet someone that allows you to complete the circle.

?By thoughtfulness, by restraint and self control, the wise man may make for himself an island which no flood can overwhelm?. Only by this sage advice can we make life that is true to both Zen and BDSM-D/s. Through the serene and thoughtful mind can we meet and make something of our interactions that exceeds the simple physical pleasure and approach the Devine state of Self with another person. Separation of Self from the world is not possible, so we must center, combine and make a world unto ourselves where the two spirits combine, the Yin and Yang, the Dom and sub into the totality that we were meant to be.

Entities

Each one of us has things in our life and in our past that are painful. We all have that dark specter that sometimes resides deep inside of us and drives us to do or say things that are self destructive. Quite often these are things that are created by incidents from our past. Other times they are mechanisms we construct within ourselves to protect our innermost vulnerabilities from harm. These mechanisms can be beneficial at some point but as time passes and one changes, they become invalid.

One simple example of this is type of mechanism is the ?inability to love?. When asked certain people say, ?I can?t love anyone? or ?It?s not in me to be able to love?. This is just a form of denial. Love is probably the most dangerous of the emotions because it is so powerful and at the same time leaves the subject so very open to hurt and emotional pain. To protect ones self a mechanism is developed wherein the emotional vulnerability is eliminated by denying or disallowing ones ability to accept love and all it?s vulnerabilities. We can see that one cannot love if one doesn?t allow themselves to love. So it?s obvious to the external observer that the person who makes these kinds of statements is damaged in one way or another by previous experiences. This statement of denial is the decision: ?I will not allow myself to be hurt?. By not allowing anyone to get close or by objectifying others as temporary intruders, the subject controls the access to the inner self. To support this protective device the subject rationalizes it by denial ?I can?t love?. If it can be said therefore the statement must then be true. In this case it becomes true; the subject cannot love because they will not allow it to happen and perforce will do whatever it takes emotionally to see that it remains true. Fear of emotional pain, rejection or abuse has enormous power and that fear drives the protection mechanism.

We build these mechanisms to protect ourselves. They often have the aspect of an inner anger, a dark side, and a part of us that is not apparently ?part of us?. We all have something like this deep inside our minds. Those types who evidence the most severe manifestations of this are those suffering from abuse (child or spousal), assault (physical or emotional) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In these cases the subject is damaged by some traumatic situation in their life so they build a structure within themselves that takes on a life of its own and becomes a separate part of their behavior. It becomes that process or ?entity? that is needed to protect the inner self from further harm or pain. This is can be displayed in many manifestations such as callousness towards others, unreasoning hatred, insane jealousy, insecurity issues or intolerance. Once set up these actualizations form a series of walls and behaviors that act as a protection against the re-enactment of the original injury or its painful aftermath.

Once in place the mechanism, (entity or which ever name one might wish to give it), functions very well. The mind can be very efficient when it comes to protection and thus it drives the subjects? life and their responses. In turn the mechanism is driven by their own fear of injury or pain. It protects the subject from injury by actively driving away that which it sees as dangerous to the subjects core self. So, in this we see this self destructive activity present itself in many people?s day to day behaviors.

The protective ?entity?, while beneficial initially, is always self destructive after an extended period of time. As time passes our life experience progresses incorporating lessons along the way and we find that our needs and desires change. The protective entity cannot change its ?programming? as it was built by specific threat circumstances. Therefore the entity in its own best interest compels the subject to engage in self destructive behaviors and thus gives the entity ?purpose?. This purpose gives validity and power to the entity. So when the subject approaches a threat environment the entity continues to control those unacceptable behaviors and removes the subject from what it considers the threat. We can obviously see that there can be no change in this entity and its mechanism unless a study of core self is initiated at a very deep and honest level by the subject. Through this study of core self we can find, not only the entity?s presence but also the mechanism that empowers it. Once that mechanism is identified, the process or entity can be slowly disassembled, eradicated or re-educated by a restructuring of self image and identifying and coping with the circumstances which created the entity in the first place.

This restructuring can take place though several different avenues; Psychiatry, Hypno-therapy, Regression (past life), counseling or by a combination of these. All avenues for the restructuring must be directed towards a single goal. That goal is facing and learning to cope with the true cause of the entity. The appropriate application of these processes must be tied to the belief structure of the individual allowing the therapist and subject to focus their energy onto the problem and not on a re-evaluation of beliefs. The subject?s belief structure is crucial in the approach to the therapy. Using this augmented and belief based approach generally shows marked improvement as the subject has less to fight against outside issues belonging to the ?entity?.

It is quite obvious that trying to change any belief system is extremely hard under ?normal? circumstances but attempting to change that system during a course of therapy is almost impossible. Attempting to do so can lead to failure. In most cases of failure the subject may develop a sense of helplessness and clinical depression may ensue. This only reinforces the power of the entity and its control mechanism. So care must be taken in devising any therapy. Reducing the possibilities of failure should be a major consideration and should guide the direction of the therapy.

Once a subject identifies their injury issues the base cause of the entity?s mechanism becomes apparent. Having the knowledge of the base cause is the key to any therapy. A passive approach using a therapy (Hypno-therapy or regression) which peels back the layers of the base cause allows issues to be identified and addressed one at a time. This undermines the base of the protection mechanism and eventually the entity as a whole is ?released?. It?s much like uncloaking a masked intruder because they can?t abide the ?light?. So it is with the light of reason and truth, those mechanisms fade because we ?see? the issue clearly and in that sight, a method of real coping can be affected. In many cases the ?release? itself is life changing. It feels like freedom to the subject and they feel euphoria or a quiet peace inside such as they have never known.

While this may be what they wish for, it can also be quite dangerous as they don?t have the aggregated life skills most people learn because of the protection mechanism. It is similar to the subject stepping into a foreign culture where the rules are unknown and thus they are vulnerable again but this time without protective coping mechanisms. Great care must be taken to build these new coping mechanisms so as to protect the vulnerable state of the emotions and psyche. This should reduce the possibilities of new injury.

One of the many reactions to the release of the entity is for the subject to feel a rush of emotions and thoughts that they?ve not experienced before. This is dangerous particularly because the subject may take risks or chance behaviors that can lead to re-injury because they feel ?cured?. This is not the case, a cure takes time. What they must understand is that it is just removing of one system of protection and leaving the subject to rebuild a new and better system. Only time and exposure to their emotions will allow them to build the necessary system of protection and coping mechanisms that we all have developed.

August and it's bloody hot (but that's cool). My slave and I spent the weekend lazing around under the AC. Sometimes it is just exquisite to wrap her in my arms and feel her cuddle in, safe and protected. She loves and desires this, needs it because for the first time in her life that she is really safe because I am here. I cherish her, protect her and doing so empowers me beyond the lifestyle or scene "Dominance" ever can. In this I am her rock; I am that which she clings to in the stormy seas of life. All will pass and we shall remain, safe, protected and in as deep a love as either of us has ever felt. She is my pride and my joy, she is my love and my possession and no one can change that.
We had wanted to go to Sturgis this year. Plans were made to ride up the last weekend to a place called "Wolf Camp"...a wolf sanctuary and campground near Keystone, SD. Unfortunately we had to postpone the trip but are planning on riding up next year, staying the week and attending Sturgis.
We also had some more good news, my slave?s son (who is now as much a son to me as he is to her) who has been under my training in the M/s lifestyle is planning on collaring his first girl. She is beautiful and perfect for him. He has seen the way his mother and I interact, sees how happy we are together and he's come to understand that this is a "life and love style" not just a way to spank an ass. House Gof and House Wulf are coming together for this event as she is under House Gof's protection. The Collaring will take place at one of the local clubs and we will have a reception of sorts there as well. This will be one of the most memorable times of his life and we all wish them well.

On another note, I was pondering the idea of how we chose an identity for ourselves in life. "I am a police officer", I am a Plumber" or even I am a Dominant (or submissive)" are ways that we define ourselves to others. But these are things we do, not who we are. Certainly they are part of who we are but we are much more than that. Each of us is a mixture of all of our experiences, thoughts and understandings; we are a composite of these things. Yet we never tell people "who" we are, only what we do. Perhaps it's because we ourselves do not understand who we are. Perhaps it's because we dislike who we think we are then erect a facade so others will only see what we wish them to see. Perhaps we are simply afraid to open our "self" to others for fear of ridicule but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that we entrust the real ?Us? to those that would "know" us. It is about trust; it is about honesty and love. Over the years I have come to fully believe that it is the most important thing to do in a relationship, trust. Dominant, submissive, Master or slave it makes no difference. We must all trust someone and give of ourselves to receive and to feel the trust from others. That is the key to life, to love and to what we so arrogantly call the "Lifestyle", trust, love and acceptance of one another.

Respectfully, Wulf