hiddenangel1987

My experiences have taught me more in my short 24 years than I could hope for in a life time. I have laughed, I have cried, I have sobbed, I have wanted to cut my heart out, I have had no heart, I have been numb, I have felt so strongly I thought I would never live through it, I have burst with pride, I have jumped into the safety of self destruction, I have loved from the deepest depths of my soul, I have lost loves under devastating circumstances, I have survived hell just to be thrown back into over and over and over again - to survive without knowing how, I have served, I have left, I have stayed, I have betrayed, I have apologized, I have tried too hard, I haven't tried enough, I have made mistakes, I have made peace, I have forgiven, I have held grudges, I have lived with a hole in my chest that nothing can heal, I have retreated into the numb darkness, I have alienated, I have pushed people away so hard I have broken them, I have held on too tight, I haven't held on tightly enough and let myself fall without caring what happened to me, I haven't let people in, I have let people in too deep, I have been vulnerable, I have allowed true happiness to seep past the walls of fear into dark places of my heart that have not experienced light in a long time, I have used my child inside to protect me from the pain that finds me in every quiet moment - in every soft space - in every idle moment, I have fought the pain, the anger and the fear until I didn't think I could fight anymore and then fought some more just to get to the surface of a drowning whirlpool of my past, I have worked hard and I have walked through the darkest hours and found the day over and over - each time learning more, feeling more, becoming numb more, pushing away and holding on all at the same time. Know this - I will not move backward, not for anyone. I will not change who I am for you. The only person change in myself is for, is me. I have learned that at the end of the day there is only me. I have walked through fire with the deep scars to prove it. I carry an immense amount with me. I fight every moment of every day against the pain that threatens to drown me. I have allowed it. I have sought solace in it. I have let it overtake me at the loss of myself. I am on a journey, I fight, I rant, I cry, I love, I hate, I blame, I take it all on ... this is every day. I must do this to find the light. If you can't understand and/or support this you have no place in my life as a friend or otherwise. 

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Author: unknown