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Female Switch, 26, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
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Female Submissive, 35
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Male Submissive, 59, San Diego, California
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About goodgrrl1983
Profile Pending Deletion.
WARNING: Any institution/persons using this site or any of its associated sites for study, projects, or any other purpose - You do not have my permission to use any of my profile, pictures, or web cam transitions in any form or forum both current or future. If you have or do, it will be considered a serious violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice as well |
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Brief letter to the man of my dreams:
Be my best friend. Make me laugh. Be proud of me. Respect me. Teach me things without condescending, and enjoy it when I surprise you with something you didn't know. Tell me I'm beautiful. Show me you mean it. Be above reproach and have integrity. Be the kind of man that I know with my whole heart I can trust completely. Be my home. Shellter and protect me, but understand and appreciate my wings. Know that no matter how high or far I fly, I'm always coming home to you. Be gentle and patient, be deep and warm. Trust me. Appreciate my mind. Hold me just for the sake of holding me sometimes. Surprise me with your thoughtfulness. Take care of me with a primal fierceness. Be my constant. Love me.
Just simply, above all, love me.
Once I know in my heart that You do, that it's real, there is nothing I wouldn't do for You. |
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This is my first time back on the site in about a month. I'd seen some real promise in my REAL life with a guy I had been seeing. A vanilla. I thought it had a shot at being something good, so I blithely shut the door to my subself and ran smiling toward my guy.
It has been a full year since I last had my heart broken. I was FINALLY ready to start dating seriously again, and this guy was an old friend who had suddenly seemed like the perfect guy to become something MORE than friends with.
I guess not. Maybe I'm still really hurt from the last heartbreaker, but New Guy, as we'll call him here, well......it's not going to happen. The thing is, I thought he really saw me, you know? That he really cared. He texted me daily, IM'd me all the time, sent me great emails, and we saw each other at least once a week. He made me laugh. We share hobbies. I was feeling DEFINITE sparks. And then came the hard knock of reality. This guy who spends all of this time talking to me and learning me and knowing me invited me to a function where all of his close friends would be. It was a benefit and I would be working the door (I offered, since they had no one else). I was really looking forward to meeting his 'family.' Afterall, he'd been telling me about them for months, and I recognized them easily from photos I had seen. The trouble is, in the three hours I was there, he introduced me to NO one. In fact, he barely came over to talk to me. I decided to introduce myself to his friends, so at least I wouldn't be standing there alone and awkward. They were all very polite to me but clearly had NO idea who I was. There was no kind of recognition on their faces at my name.
That HURT. I was so embarassed. I was thinking "How stupid are you?! Of COURSE he's ashamed of you."
And so as I was leaving, I hugged him, told him he was an asshole, and then just left.
Hey, even pissed, I don't do "mean" very well.
Then, as girls do, I had a mental fight with my self for the next several days. "I'm fine" I would think to myself. "Sure, no supermodel, but I'm kind of cute. And I'm smart. And funny. What's so wrong with me? I mean, there MUST be something. Why wouldn't he be proud of me? Why wouldn't he want to tell people about me and introduce me? What am I, his dirty little secret?" And then came the freaking out. We are our own worst critics. I spent the better part of the week telling myself all of the many reasons that New Guy was right to be ashamed of me. And while the logical, smart girl part of me screamed "NO" the other parts of me found the mean things easier to believe.
So, I proceeded to take my friend up on her offer to set me up on a blind date. I'd never done one before, but I thought "How bad can it be?" NEVER underestimate how bad it can be.
RIGHT away he's Mr. Alpha Male. I sat across from him instead of next to him. He really didn't seem to like that at all. Then he starts talking. And talking. And talking. And my 'old fashioned' blind date has a mouth like a drunken, pervy sailor. So I very slyly and gently say, in case he didn't know, that I'm a pretty conservative practicing Christian Catholic. It's not fair to hold it against him if he doesn't know he's offending me, right? Well, this does not change a THING. He keeps going on and on about how he's never been to college and how he's so good at what he does so he keeps getting these great jobs all over, blah blah. Fine. He seriously talked about himself for EVER. Telling me ALL about his cool former boss at his last job who once walked in on him 'doing' his supervisor on the conference table and was really cool about it. And I guess they used to all go to strip clubs on Fridays. Yeah, great boss. He then proceeds to tell me how within a week of living at his last place, he was out meeting people and went to this guys house to play a game kind of like Dungeons and Dragons. I guess the guy whose house it was was some kind of legend and "John" my date was like "Yeah, he BARELY beat me and wouldn't shut up about it. Whatever, he's 30 and lives in his parent's basement. I was like "I'm gonna go get some pussy I didn't pay for and probably a blow job, so yeah. Way to go for beating me, loser.""
I'm TOTALLY serious. GREAT respectful first date conversation, right? But THEN.....
About fifteen minutes after dinner arrives, "John" is like "It's so nice that you're smart. Around here, that's hard to find. I'm like, you know, eventually, I'm gonna pull my dick out of your mouth and then you better have something interesting to say."
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SERIOUSLY?!?!? I almost wanted to cry. WHO SAYS THAT?! TO A GIRL?!?! ON THE FIRST DATE???!!!
So I start to think that maybe New Guy, even though he hurt my feelings and made me think he was ashamed of me, isn't looking so bad.
And yes, New Guy came through with a great apology and we're back on friendly footing. But I'm not sure now that New Guy can ever be The One.
Both of these guys hurt and belittled me, granted,in VASTLY different ways. But it got me thinking...
THIS is the picture of Submission that I have. I want to be loved, cherished, protected, enjoyed, shown off, and so many other things. I want a guy to be kind and funny and REALLY know me and make it safe for me to do all of the things I want to do and to be there so that I can do all of them with him. I want to be able to rely on him and trust him. I want to trust him not to hurt me even though he has the ability to. I want him to value me and care for me so that not only would HE never hurt me, but he would never let anyone else hurt, demean, or belittle me, either. I want him to be there so that when JERKS like the guy from my horrible blind date say crass and totally inappropriate things to me, he can punch those jerks in the face. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be someone that this kind of wonderful man would be proud of. I would so happily be yours, my Love. But my standards for you seem impossibly high. Or maybe I think I'm worth more than I am. I don't know. Either way, I know now that this is the dream. This is what I need. |
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THESE WERE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS A FRIEND ASKED ME. I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE GOOD FOR MY JOURNAL.
WHAT STARTED YOU THINKING ABOUT SUBMISSION?
EXCELLENT QUESTION. I'm still discovering if that's really what I am or not. Essentially, I am a people pleaser. Always have been. While I'm confident in the fact that I'm a pretty great person (successful, talented artsit, great friends, good job) there will always be a part of me that feels the need to do things for others as a way to show them my love and in turn, to see them pleased which makes me feel loved. About 8 years ago, I was engaged to a guy. Once, while we were wrestling around for the remote, he playfully swatted my rear. Another time, we were making out and he pulled my shirt up over my head, but instead of pulling it off all the way, he used it to bind my wrists in place over my head. It never went much farther than that, but both of those moments stick in my mind and started to play into my fantasies a lot. So couple that phyical response with my emotional need to please and voila! Thinking about submission....
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE LIFESTYLE THAT ATTRACTS YOU?
The answer is that while I'm positive light bondange turns me on (blindfolds, wrists tied, etc)...the heavy stuff involving actual pain scares the hell out of me. I like the idea of pushing myself a bit sexually, I'm sure I'm rather repressed, but I don't intend to go nuts and lose myself in the process. The mental aspects of submission appeal to me. I am a damn smart woman. I hold an MFA and am the executive director of a small non-profit. I taught at the number 6 liberal arts school in the country for a while. I taught at a Big 10 school. I am a force. So I need my guy to understand that we are FULL EQUAL partners in this. I am not LESS because I choose to submit. And I won't submit in every area of my life. I want to be loved and be in a relationship, and how can a guy love me and want me to be less than who I am? Sexual submissioin during a scene is one thing, trying to control who I am is another. I'm not a ball buster or some uppity bitch. I'm a very funny, kind, sweet caring girl. I also happen to be educated and successful. I also happen to want to please my guy to show him that I love him. And by letting me do things for him and spoil him a little, he's letting me love him. And I expect him to love me, spoil me by his thoughtfulness, and take care of me with just as much love as I show him. Maybe this is not traditional submission. I have no idea...I only know what I feel and what I want. |
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So I'm feeling more balanced for the past couple of days. I took a very peaceful hike and literally sat on a mountain and made myself think about things, this 'situation' of mine included, for about two hours.
I'm feeling.....calm. I had a moment of total panic after being on collarme one night and chatting with so many people! I find I have a hard time being rude and so I don't ever want to ignore people, but honestly, I'm new and so many people were pushing to get me to reveal things or even cyber....*sigh* it felt wrong. And scared me a little. I felt out of control. But getting away and thinking about things, I realize that no one can make me do anything I don't want to do. And I have to remember that. I'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe...like a mantra. Nobody in my life knows what I'm feeling, so I'm safe from their judgements. No one online is physically here, so I am physically safe. I'm discovering that feeling safe is just as important to me as feeling loved and in this lifestyle, both of those things can get easily lost. I'm not in this to be someone's toy or used as a thing. I am not looking to become a lesbian. I'm not interested in polyamory. I'm positive that what I'm looking for is a straight, equal, loving relationship with a guy who makes me laugh, likes my cooking, loves to travel, and won't freak out that I want him to tie me up every now and then. |
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This is my very first entry of what I will call my 'pre sub' journal. :) I've not yet decided if I have the nature of a true submissive or if I'm just an overly curious vanilla with too much of a theatrical background.
I'm so new to this community and the formal exploration of this lifestyle. I've had minor bondage fantasies for some time now, though. I like the idea of a blindfold, a spank, and having my wrists held or tied. I like the idea of him whispering what he's doing and going to do in my ear and asking me if I like it. I like the idea of gazing up at him adoringly while I lick him and take him into my mouth. I like the wicked, teasing power in my eyes while we both let him think he's in charge. I like the quickening of my pulse when teasing turns uncertain as I realize that maybe he IS in charge.
I'm terrified to be hurt, both physically and emotionally. I'm a kind and strong person. I'm also looking to be in a meaningful, loving, fun, caring relationship. I'd like to be married and have kids. I'm a practicing Catholic. I don't necessarily believe in sex before marraige.
My head feels like it might explode. I have to find a way to reconcile all of these pieces of myself.
And so....I journey. |
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