Faydreh

I'm disabling my account here.  I just am not overly fond of the site, I'm afraid.  Messages sent to me will not be read.  Take care and best of luck to everyone looking!

Yes, I identify as a slave.  However, I do not consider sending a message and making demands acceptable behavior.  Those of you who contact me because of possible mutual interests?  I don't owe you anything.  Just like you do not owe me anything.  We aren't in any sort of relationship.  I do not instantly have to accede to anyone who identifies as dominant.

I will be polite and respectful, until someone gives me a reason not to be.  I'm a reasonably intelligent person with my own identity.  Can we please treat each other with mutual respect?  Thank you.

When I first started going to a dungeon/sex positive club, I mixed submission and masochism with oral and intercourse. I thought it was what I was supposed to do. After some bad experiences I almost completely separated my sexual interactions from kink. I had people I slept with and I had people who beat me, etc. It seemed like most of the people whose kinks matched up with mine had zero appeal as a romantic and sexual partner to me. I've had play partners whose company I greatly enjoyed, of course. As the years have gone by I'm starting to really wish the degrees of separation that I basically self-imposed would go away.

I don't even know where to start changing it, though. I look at the variety of people I know who have a happy relationship with kink in every aspect of their life and wonder how they do it. I try to look at myself as someone else might see me and I think I'm really weird. At the same time I know I'm not any more odd or broken than anyone else. I'm a constant work in progress, but there's no reason why that should prevent me from eventually having the kind of relationship I would like.

There is still so much for me to learn that it's mind boggling.

One thing I have noticed is that the things I crave the most aren't so much centered on pain. I enjoy having needles pushed through my flesh and the threat of a knife along my skin, but they aren't something I feel I need. It's the smaller, perhaps more simple acts that I crave. Use my hair as a handle so you can bite my throat. Let me sit at your feet and rest my head upon your lap. Let me serve you. I want to learn the little things I can do to please you. In a perfect world I would find someone who on occasion enjoys the sharper pleasures that I like, but I am feeling more and more like they are less important. I mostly want someone who I belong to, who in their own way belongs to me. Someone I can be of use to.

In my heart of hearts I've come back to a desire I initially had when I was quite young. I want to be a slave for a singularly unique Master or Mistress. Over my years wandering in and out of the BDSM world I've identified myself as many things, most frequently as "just" a submissive or bottom. I explored places on the internet that I wasn't supposed to when I was young, too young, and so at first I called myself a slave. I had dreams of kneeling at someone's feet and knowing I was theirs.

Experiences I had when I first was able to actually explore BDSM in person, in real life made me hastily change my mind. I made plenty of mistakes, to be sure. I didn't take care of myself, didn't protect myself, and allowed things to happen that I didn't want to do. I was passive, a doormat, I completely lacked a spine. My concept of what a slave was became severely warped. I was afraid I would lose what little self I had. It has been years since I really entered the world that is kink. I've grown a lot. I have much more to still improve about myself. I know now that the kind of Master or Mistress I would be a good slave to might wish to shape certain parts of me, but that they would cherish my individuality too.

I want to be a stay at home slave. I want to make a home pleasant, clean, and happy. Let me take joy in preparing meals for you and other such things. I want to be allowed to be the introvert I am. I want to be in love with and love the person I serve, which is something I have thus far not experienced.

I know that before any of the above can happen, I need to make my own life stable. I'm working to become a strong, self-sufficient person on my own, so that I can be worthy of whoever my future Master or Mistress is.