etherealone

   Today was Master and Mistress' anniversary, Happy Anniversary, love You Both!! They went to town to celebrate, so I got a wee bit done around the house. Also got a letter from Internal Medicine, that Social Security sent me to, saying they didn't have enough info, when I know my medical records are at least as thick as half a set of encyclopedias! Apparently the x-rays they took, of my lower back, show "degenterative changes"... Well yeah, that's half the reason I applied brainiacs. I guess they just assume everyone who applies is lying?!? Well, off to take a shower, before Master and Mistress get back.

   Was a good day, but not much to tell about it. I didn't get to the computer after Mistress and I had our day out and about together, now that was fun. She had me laughing so hard, I was seriously doing the pee pee dance in the restaurant, trying to get to the bathroom before I had an accident. Barely got there! Of course, everyone must have thought W/we were drunk, or lost O/our minds, LoL. Even had one our waitress laughing. Then more fun while at best buy... Oh, when did geeks and nerds become hot?? Where have I been?? Ohhh some cuties on the geek squad and... err anyway. ~looks away whistling~ Sorry Master! I'm just going to shut up now, LoL.

   Had a great day, out and about with Mistress and Master. Ran a bunch of errands, out to eat, and shopping. I am worn out now, lol. Lots of fun though, and Mistress made a new friend, mwahahahaha! 

   Another good day, aside from my back screaming at me all day. Just daily chores, and some much needed sleep. Blasted insomnia can be a real pain at times! Other than that, not much to say... Thank goodness for small miracles, right? LoL

   I got a fair amount done today, my back is yelling at me for it, but for some reason I feel like I have been lazy! ~Shrugs~ It's probably just because I am wicked tired, feel like I am dragging, even if I'm not. Master, Mistress, and Mistress' Dad all went to town today, and I stayed home with the kids, that might be another bit of it. Not much to say today, just tired, glad Everyone is home now, and time to unwind.

   The mystery of the mood swings has been solved! LoL The doctor had put me on welbutrin, to help with quiting smoking. Sure, it made the cigs taste funky, but ummm, didn't stop me! Sooooo, off that, and BAM, sudden mood swings and lows like I couldn't believe myself!! Grrrr... Oh well, give it a bit of time to level out, and I am sure all will be well.

   Last night I made a mistake. No, not the "drop your shorts and on your hands and knees" kind of mistake. I asked Master and Mistress if I could wear the cuffs to bed, kind of mistake. Sure, no problem, Master said with the mountain climbing rope clamps to bind them together. Which lead Mistress to say, "Well, as long as she is going to be locked up, might as well use the vroom vroom on her"! Yes, Mr. Hitachi, I used to love Mr. Hitachi, now I am beginning to dread Mr. Hitachi!! Oh, still hit the big O, but with Mistress at the controls, it's a more powerful, intense, "OMG, PLEASE MITRESS STOPPPPPPPPP" kinda O!! Very religous, couldn't see straight for half an hour, good luck even crawling to get a cig afterwards kinda O! I told Mistress, She is the reason I need a cane, right there, for after She gets done making me make puddles! So, I have decided, me no asky to wear da cuffs again, LoL.

   Master has been great, during my post welbutrin "melt down". I guess it's all the psychology training He's had, and it shows. Just like when He used to play the BDSM version of Dr. Phil, between me and the ex-Masters. He would try so hard to help us out, to get things to work out. It took me over 12 years to say screw the psycho idiots I pick for myself, and ran to Master finally!! At first, I was thinking just a couch hook up, and perhaps He could help me find the One, but shaaaa.... I've known Him forever, He was a great friend for many years, and I admit, I have had a wee crush on Him too. ~Blushes~ Okay Mistress, You were right, one of those poetry pieces MAY have been about Him, but I still ummm "can't remember" which one!? LoL Let's just put it this way, it wasn't one of the dark, twisted pices, it was a what if kind of piece.

   I have been on some emotional roller coaster, yesterday and today. I mean tons of crying, crying as I did dishes, crying in the shower, crying as I tried to go to sleep, even waking up in tears! Thinking I can't do this, maybe I need to step back, figure myself out, I'm not as young as I used to be, not with all the physical issues I have (let's just say I pushes my body in my youth, now I'm paying for all the stupid stuff I've done, LoL)... I was thinking I'm not cut out for the micro-management, as I stated in an ealier journal entry. So Master, Mistress, and myself all talked.

   Sad thing is, I have a wee social/nervous disorder, and I have major troubles expressing myself in a clear, articulate manner, when I am supposed to look Them in the eye and say it. Let me look at a wall, let me stare off behind You, let me look at anything else, but please... You want me to make sense of what I have to say, and not repeat myself in the same way over and over, don't make me look You in the eye! Okay, come on, You have read the journal entries, You know what I am capable of saying, I can make sense of things, edit when needed, no big! A whole different story, if asked to look You in the eyes and say what is on my mind. I was the girl, in high school, who would opt out of the speeches in front of the class, and do the much longer essay, to avoid having to get in front of the class and make a fool of myself!

   Granted, I'm not as painfully shy as I once was. I've also learned a lot with training, from past jobs, for the management positions I took on. However, that was business, nothing personal, nothing dealing with emotions, and I was comfortable with that, and barking out orders as needed. I know, sounds bad, a submissive/slave, barking out orders. As I said though, that was business, my job, and something I had to learn! Lost a few Doms from that too, as They would decide to surprise me at work, come during a bad time, when we were swamped, catch me in Boss mode, and I would see Them as They walked off, never to be seen or heard from again! LoL Sad that They couldn't see, that was just work!!

   Where was I going? Ah yes, so we talked about the micro-management, and my doubts on my ability to handle that anymore. So what happens? I still catch myself asking to do all these little things. Got dressed on my own though, but Nobody was awake when I got up. So it was helpful to have that leeway, to get dressed without clearance, and start on the things Master had mentioned last night. Fixed my hair the way He said too... But from the moment They were up, "May I have a cig... May I go hang up the laundry... May I go _insert action here_?"!! I swear I need soooo much help, it's not even funny! LoL So why am I laughing?? Probably a good sign that I have lost my ever loving mind!!!!!!!!

   Master is home from the hospital, yay!!!!! Mistress and I went to pick Him up the other day, and yesterday was His first full day back home. Of course, I am still having issues with sleep though. If I'm not fighting to just get to sleep, it's something else waking me every 30 minutes! What's worse? Finally getting to sleep, and having such a great dream, I mean a truly amazing dream, then some random alarm goes off at odd times (when I don't need to be up for a while still). Some days I just wake up wanting to kill something, today was just made worse by the fact that I have no smokie treats, or no Dew, or anything to make the world seem better, lol. Seriously, ever want to see an instant attitude adjustment? Hand me a Mountain Dew, and a pack of Marlboro Smooths... Even better if there is some kind of sweets added to the mix, perhaps chocolate, then BAM... The world is bright, new, everything is fantastic, and man I couldn't love You more, LoL.

   Yeah, yeah, You thought that is what the paddle is for, right? ~Sighs~ Sure, the threat of a paddle can zip someone's lips, may even stop the snarky comments and what not, but it never really adjusts the attitude, and certainly not in a positive manner. I mean a feeling of peace, washing over me, as I light up a smoke, and take that first sip of Dew, LoL. And don't forget, want a perfect day, and lots of lovings (not sexually, though it is a possibility) I mean spoiling for You... Add chocolate!! ~Nods and nods and nods and nods and nods... Grabs her head to stop it from rattling anymore~

   Been getting a lot of cleaning done, since Master has been away. Maybe a bit too much today, as my back is screaming at me right now. I didn't want to sit too long,  partially afraid my back would lock up on me, and also because it's a distraction. I've had too much on my mind as of late, and it's not always good. Maybe I'm just missing Master, maybe it's just one of those nasty moments of self doubt, who knows. All I do know for sure, is that I am back to questioning things again. Luckily Master won't be able to read this, until He gets home, don't need to stress Him further than He already is.

   Ever have something, something You so wanted, needed, craved, loved.... Then lost it? So for years, You try to get it back, feeling like something major is missing. Then, one day, things fall into place, and You have it again. Great, right? Not always. See, I've done the micro-management thing before, and loved it. However, that was also with a schmuck of a Master Who couldn't keep Himself out of prison, so I lost that! Now, after many years without, and getting so used to doing things a certain way, getting back into it is more difficult than was anticipated. Can I do it? Master and Mistress seem to think I am capable, but I am the one who is doubting it. Not just doubting my ability to do it, but also questioning if I truly want/need that to such a level anymore! Yeah, yeah, I know, stupid blonde, doesn't know what she wants.

   What I want is to please Master and Mistress, so that should be the way right? ~Shrugs~ Yes and no... See, I miss doing those little extras, the pleasant surprises to make One smile. Kinda hard to do when I have do ask to do everything! From the time I get up, the clothes I wear, the way my hair is done, make-up, when I shower, cleaning for the day, food I make, cigs, You name it! Only bright side to Master being gone, is I have more freedom with the cleaning at the moment. Mistress gives me specific tasks She would like done for the day, but the rest is general cleaning, as needed. Laundry, dishes, picking up after the dogs, whatever I see needs to be done. Hence, over doing it today. Stop thinking, just clean, distract myself with as much as I can get done. Bad thing... I'm close to running out of things to go O.C.D. on! Maybe clean Mistress' Dad's room tomorrow? More laundry, put up the new mailbox... Maybe dust... Guess I could scrub out trash cans, or clean the driveway... Oh, could see about cleaning out Mistress' vehicle for Her... Maybe go O.C.D. on the kitchen cabinets?! Guess I could find something to do, anything, just keep busy, just don't think. If I think, I'll doubt, if I doubt, I'll distance myself, shut myself off. ~Sighs~

   Wide awake, while Mistress still sleeps, looking peaceful. I felt bad trying to wake Her, to ask if I may start my day, but thankfully it was just enough to get a yes, then She went back to sleep! Master, unfortunately, is still stuck in the hospital. Missing Him, but trying to keep myself preoccupied with cleaning and corrupting others, lol. I had a nice chat with my neice's wife last night, we started talking about the lifestyle, and I confessed I've been living as a slave for the last umpteen years. Sad thing is, even with all we talked about, and this, she still considers me the sane one of the family. She also said "I knew my wife had to get it from somewhere!"! ~Giggles~ Wonder who I can corrupt today? Done the pastors of multiple churches, just no catholic priests, maybe I'll have to think about that more... After my chores, of course, lol.

   ~Pouts~ It's Master's turn to be stuck in the hospital. Sure, I get a bit more cleaning done, when He isn't here. But I miss the craziness, and His special brand of insanity! Mistress and I are supposed to utilize this time, to get to know each other a bit better (sincer I only started chatting with Her JUST before I moved here, and have known Him about 12 years), and for Her to step up, take that control, and me to get more comfortable with having a Mistress... I've only had one Mistress, that was on-line and very short lived, lol. The rest have all been Masters, and usually with me being more... umm... Let's just say I tend to be a bit more aggressive with women!

   Like one of the better b-days I've had, with one of my bestest friends (our b-days are just a few days apart), and her Hubby/Master joining the ex-Master, His other girl, and myself at the bar. I was hitting on her before I really even got started drinking! LoL I made sure to explain things to her Hubby/Master, and asked Him to let me know if I was crossing any lines. Crossing lines? With Them, or Master? Nahhhhhhhhhhhh.... Had a blast! Would grab her by the hair, pulling her head back, kissing her, nipping at her neck. Did I care who was watching? Nope, thank the booze. Things got quite frisky that night. With me being the aggressor, the more dominant one... And ending up so very frustrated, because she got too drunk, and we all ended up going to our own homes, and of course, nothing from the ex-Master! I've always been that way with women, since my first girlfriend. Quite the opposite with Men though, go figure.

   Was a good day today. Got up early, Master and I were still so tired though, so we were quite slap happy. I thought for sure Mistress was going to get mad, as she was still sleeping, but He had me near tears, I was laughing so hard! Then it was off to the doctor's, Master got attacked by nurses with needles, who He swears are trying to kill Him and mount His head on the wall! ~Giggles~ Then back home, to jump the van and take that to the shop for new tires. Back home, a wee baby nap, then movies, cleaned out the fridge, did a truck load of dishes, and made dinner... Then those dishes! I know, nothing thrilling to report, but it was fun. I love when Master is overtired and slap happy, too much fun, lol.

   Okay, I am going to set the record straight, for Anyone who thinks Master "beat me for having an asthma attack", HE DIDN'T!!!!As I have already stated, and for those who have been keeping track of my journals, it was accumulated over a certain period of time (when I was waiting for the Dr.'s appointments to come and go), for swearing multiple times (big rule here, my own fault), and for throwing a major attitude at Master and Mistress!! Now I know many of You have brains, and know how to use them, but unfortunately, not everyone has been so blessed, nor do they have the ability to even use a portion of their brains to read EVERYTHING, so as to not misconstrue or twist my words... Which I honestly thought were clear! Accumulated, and He even waited until AFTER everything was done and gone, and I was feeling good, to deal with the attitude adjustment! Which, I will admit, I was in dire need of a "hard reset"!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Now, on that note... I apologize to Most, for this snippy little journal entry, but it was meant for a certain person in particular. Apparently he can not deal with the fact that I am actually happy for once, and move his scrawny little butt on, and stop trying to check in on me, or messaging Master! I am HAPPY, got it??? In just the few short months that I have been with Master and Mistress, I have been smiling so much more than I have in more than 7 years knowing him. They have helped me more, and done more with me, in just this short time, than he had in years! OMG, Do You know what it's like to be with someone for sooo long, and them never touch you? Never seem interested? Even made "playing" seem like a complete chore??? Then coming here... where ~Gasps~ I get all the attention I could want, and then some???!!! I mean to the point of begging Them to stop because I am orgasmed out??!! Which, honestly, I never thought was possible, but apparently, is sooooooooooo easy to accomplish, go figure!!!!!!!! Well, at least for certain People, it's easy to get that out of me... What can I say, She got skills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   ~Takes a deep breath~ Okay, now that I actually got a chance to tell the ex to back his psycho butt off, stop trying to keep up with what is going on in my life (which is all good baby), and certainly grow up and stop making threats to Anyone who has ever been there for me and helped me... With all of this out of my system, I now return You to Your regular broadcasting!

   Like I was saying last night, it was not a good idea! Now don't get me wrong, what transpired was great, all save the additional video footage of me!! Well, and the cramping that comes the day after the attacks... ~Shrugs~ Worth it? Yes! That would be a big ummm H word (that I can not say) yes, but obviously, I can't say that, lol. My behind is already way too bruised, to be able to handle any more whacks at this point in time.  Oh, speaking of those whacks, and the bruised bottom, although it is still very tender, I was on top of the world the day after it, lol. What is it about a old fashioned butt beatting that leaves a girl feeling so good? ~Smiles ever so sweetly~ The world may never know.

   No, I am not getting into major details of last night, as You can tell. But I will say two things, and both pertain to the nickname Master and Mistress gave me. ~Crinkles up her nose~ One, I was actually able to go to sleep on a dry bed, after a Mistress attack, big one for the record book! Then again, it did take a couple towels, folded just so, and stacked on top of each other, but hey. And two, apparently I've gone from a H word kitten, to Puddles the puppy, LoL! I "woofed" while drinking last night, and Mistress was laughing, saying I pant like a dog, when being ummm, played with!!

   So Master decided to tell Mistress how to numb Her throat, so She could sing tonight... Which lead to an inebriated Mistress, and same for me (not the singing, just the drink), lol! Which is really not a good idea, because I get way too frisky when drinking!! You know how I said I hate cameras, and my dislike for videos is even stronger? Yeah, let's just say that goes out the window. As evident by my not caring about Mistress wanting to show my nipple rings on video chat... Okay and I even changed them out to the nipple shields, on cam... Alright, alright, and had no problem showing my bruised butt when Master requested that of me as well! ~Shrugs~ What can I say? On my own behalf, at least I haven't crossed the line and tried to molest Anyone... Yet... Then again, we did run out of vodka! ~Frowns~ Who knows though, the night is still young, as it's only 12:27 AM, lol. Maybe I'll have more to post tomorrow, hehehe!

   Okay, as You can see, there is a new picture... Oh joy! ~Gags~ Anyway, I obviously got the back order filled today, pun intended!! Yes, the 6 curse words, four of which I can't, for the life of me, recall saying. No, I am not saying I didn't say them, as I trust Master and Mistress. I am just saying that I was very ill, and when there is a lack of oxygen to the brain, it gets really fuzzy!! Oh, and because of a wee temper, after getting home from the hospital, and not having slept for nearly two days while in there. Master waited until my breathing was back in check, with Mistress lording the impending doom over my head the entire time. Go figure, right? She also decided to get it on video, which I really, Really, REALLY hate... But who am I to argue against it? She was even going to post it as part of my journal entry, however, they wouldn't take prerecorded videos, only as you go video journals, recorded on this site. I would personally like to thank those who set up the video journal thing, for not having that option available!! So... Thank You Collarme!! Hehe

   So here I am, sitting on my very tender, freshly bruised bottom, to get this out. You know what is bad? When taking a shower, after the behavior correction session, even luke warm water felt cold on my bottom, since it felt like it was on fire!! 1, thank You Sir... 15, thank You Sir... 25, thank You Sir... 35, thank You Sir....

   I know it has been a while since my last journal, but believe me when I say, their is a reasonable explaination... I have been in the hospital for the past couple of days, due to an asthma/non-reversible obstructive lung disease exacerbation, after being ill! I was just released today, Yay!! Oh, remember those bruises Master has been holding off on putting on me, because of the upcoming Dr.'s appointments? ~Nods~ Well, I don't think it would have mattered if He did add some, since I came home from the hospital with so many bruises from all the blasted needles and shots anyway! I was so happy to see Master and Mistress, when They came to get me from the hospital!! I even missed the two special ed dogs!!! LoL

   Master has taken away my smoking privleges, and put me on light duty, until such a time as my breathing has returned to a more normal state! I will write more soon, but as for now, I am so unbelievably tired. I just took my meds, and the most wonderful shower, and am lotioned, ready for that sleep I have been desperately trying to get for two days

... Amazing how quick a stay at the hospital can kill your sleep, turn the hair into a giant rat's nest, and dry up your skin! LoL

   Ah, to be able to breathe! In case You didn't know, I have asthma and non-reversible obstructive lung disease. Yes, I know, but I did say I was falling apart! Well, I ran out of my meds, and we forgot to get some while out running errands, so I was out for a couple of days. Master dragged me out to get them today, I didn't want to go anywhere by that point, but I am glad He did. It feels good to breathe again. Those who say breathing is over rated, have obviously never tried breathing through a coffee stirrer for a couple of days straight!

   I might not have been so bad, but there was another Mistress attack last night, LoL... I'm telling You, I could probably make a hit show, name it "When Mistress attacks"! Granted, She stopped a few times, to make sure I was breathing okay. I guess, at one point, I was panting worse than Master's black lab, on a hot summer's day! ~Shrugs~ Come on, after a few times at the Big O, it can affect the breathing a bit! It took me forever to get to sleep, and of course, come 5:40 AM, and I did not want to get up with that alarm. I actually laid there for a moment, contemplating just rolling over and going back to sleep, and the consequences it would bring... I finally decided to drag my butt out of bed, and do what I needed to.

   Last night nearly got me in trouble too, as Mistress told Master that the O's last night, were without Her permission! I was begging, I honestly was!!! He gave me the look, and all I could say was "Seriously, how well can You hold off?"... Another look, and He replied "I just think of my grandmother", so of course I said "I said delay, not kill the mood!"! So of course, Mistress' Dad chimes in, "You don't know men that well, do you?". Of course, that lead to a whole discussion that... I am not getting into, LoL!

   First, I would like to say that I am so not thinking clearly! Sorry, had a Mistress attack, LoL!!! She was teasing, saying I was trying to break Her hand... I say, it shouldn't have been so far in me! ~Blushes~ All I know now is, I am mush, and omg Holy Crampage Batman. Yes, that was the first time being ~Clears her throat and mumbles the last word~ fisted. Sorry Folks, not going into any major details on that right now. But Master is saying (as He is sitting beside me as I type this) "Puddles, puddles, puddles, puddles"!!

   So, I guess They finally got what They have been looking for, an "emotional break"! Of course They knew something as wrong, when I went rather silent... Or "meek" as Mistress put it. I tried to say it was just the pain, which, in part, was true! But that is what happens when You get clonked on the head by a fan (the wind knocked it out of the window), go down the stairs the wrong way (yes, I tripped on a shoe), and the dog slices open a toe with his nasty sharp toe nails! Let's just say, it was not my day, LoL! So I was questioned, and I finally caved, telling Them what was bothering me.

   Both Master and I were in some big pain, after yesterday, then tack in all the joyous things like the fan, stairs... yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah... And I was really hurting. Master needed some help, and altough I did help Him (as best I could), it brought about some sharp, shooting pains in my back and down the legs. I got to thinking that He deserved more, better. They Both deserved so much more than I felt I could give Them!! I still feel They would be better off finding some hot, young, able bodied creature, instead of me... But ummm, They aren't letting me go, soooooooooooooooo.... Well, apparently, that is something They have been waiting for!

   I was happy to hear Them say that. They sammiched me in a hug, and told me that, as I was in tears! Of course, already in that emotional state, I wanted to escape to the shower and ball, but nooooooooOOOoooo. After all was said and done, that is when Mistress decided to (as Master says) "make me a hand puppet"!!! Nearly got stuck, but that's a story for another day! hehehe

   What a day! Started out a little rocky, Master was not having a good morning. However, as the day went on, it got better, and crazier, laughing so hard! Anyone who would have been listening in on our debates, would have thought us to be completely insane!! Yes, He was on the side of the elves, at Santa's "sweatshop", wanting to unionize the North Pole... And I was sticking up for poor Santa and Mrs. Clause. Though we both agreed on the animal cruelty, when it came to the reindeer!! And don't even get me started on the bean man song (sang to the tune of 'I'm a Blues Man', but with a Mexican accent), that Mistress' Father started, and Master ended up joining in on!! Ahhh, it's great to finally have a home where I fit it, LOL!

   We started out early this morning, running errands, paying bills, and doing some grocery shopping. He even took me out to lunch, where He ordered me this HUGE double cheese burger basket, that I just could not get all the way through! When we finally got home, there were roses, and the cutest stuffed gorilla, on the kitchen table for Mistress... And even a rose and a "Happy birthday" coffee cup waiting for me!!

   Then, after our long day, out and about, it was time to start dinner. Let me say this, Master is an awesome cook! I mean I hate refried beens normally, but used to choke them down... But Master has a way to make even that taste soooo good! He made a huge pot of them too. Some went for the burritos and fajitas we had for dinner, with the rest we made a ton of burritos (98 total), to wrap and freezer for later dates, and kids after school snacks! I was so stuffed from dinner, that I couldn't even think about having a slice of the cheesecake He got... And if there is no room for cheesecake, You know I am one stuffed puppy!!!!!!

   As sore as I am, I am still smiling and laughing, today was a blast!!

   I had this nightmare last night. There was some trouble, and Master got Mistress and everyone else to safety. However, I was out running an errand, and as soon as I got home, Master told me to run upstairs, lock the door, and don't open it for anyone but Him! I did as He said, but there was just this stupid hook and eye type latch on the door, no real locks. So I ran to the room where I knew Master had some guns hidden (no, this is not true in real life, lol), desperately searching for a gun, but only able to find some knives. Hearing someone coming up the stairs, I grabbed a knife, and a decrative mirror I saw on the shevles. I used the mirror, to try and see if it was Master coming, only it wasn't. So I took off, worked my way around and down the stairs, trying to run for it.

   I found this tool shed, of sorts, and hid inside. It was run down, falling apart, and wasn't much help in keeping anyone out....

Now is this sounding like a cheesy horror movie or what?

   Needless to say, they got to me! Next thing I know, I wake up at the ex-Master's house. I was made to stay with Him, at all times, chained in whichever room He went to. So as He was at the kitchen table, talking to a sub/slave that my real Master knew, I kept trying to find any reason to get him to leave, so I could get her to send a message to my real Master, telling Him where I was. He just wouldn't leave though, not for any reason! I would walk back and forth, behind him, hoping she would see me on web cam, as I was "cleaning". Nothing was working, until I came across the keys to the chains! So, I decided to unlock myself and make a run for it. I bolted out of the door, through and out of the house. He was right behind me all the way. I knew, with my health issues, I couldn't keep running for very long! Finally I heard the sounds coming from a nearby school, they were having a carnival, I had to make it there! Somewhere with lots of people, maybe someone could help, maybe the crowd would keep him from trying to drag me off, maybe...

   "Karen, time to get up" snapped me out of the dream. I was so glad to be woken up for once, LoL. So I told Master of the dream, and told Him, if ever I go missing... He knows where to find me! hehe A girl has to make sure!!!

   Man they work quick around here. I got a call with the appointment date, both of them are on the same day, within a couple of hours of each other! I have two weeks to go, until then... Wondering if we could get some color in, and gone, by then?! Hehe, I know, I'm bad, but I have so much fun with it too!!

   Oh, Master saw yesterday's journal, more so, the part where I had that brief, fleeting thought... So of course I got asked about that! Well, as I said then, it was "brief, and fleeting" and for just the thought I should be locked up. Even still, I got hit by that question today. Of course, I don't think I helped things, when Master and the Mistress' Father were giving me a hard time this morning, and I may have said it was time to look for a new place to go... That I do have a few Friends who are interested! ~Cringes~ I quickly said it was just a payback for the menopause comment! Yes, Master, I am happy here. No, Master, I have no plans of going anywhere!! Though I may melt soon, if the heat doesn't ease! Geez, Where is autumn already?

   Not much else going on today, as I have not been feeling very well. Just really shakey, kind of dizzy and nauseated! So, I've been watching movies with Master. The first one, I really must agree with Master, was horrible, yet almost like watching a train wreck... Just had to look! LoL The second one was pretty good, suprising for The Howling 3, lol. Okay, I am off to wake Master in a few minutes, better save and go!

   My laptop suddenly went PPPBBLLLTTT on me. I was in the middle of a game, and suddenly the screen went black! I tried turning it off, turning it back on, it lights up, sounds like it's running, but the screen is still black, nothing, nadda, zip, zilch!!! So, my journal entries probably won't be daily, until I can either afford to get this one fixed, or get a new one. ~Sniffles~ No laptop, no phone, no way to occupy my free time, no way to vent... Who wants to start taking bets, on how long it will take for me to go completely insane? Just to be fair, I am already partially insane, okay maybe halfway to complete insanity. I don't know, but I guess we'll find out soon enough! Master just got a call, and they are setting up a full physical and psychological work up for me, oh joy!! At least the bruises on my breasts are almost gone. Well, on one they are gone, however, on the left one, where the blood vessel burst, it's still a bit bruised.

   I'm kind of affraid to go in for the psych evaluation and tests. Sure, I know I have some depression, due to the deterioration of my physical abilities. But then there is some mild O.C.D., and... do I say anything about my ~Clears her throat~ "interest" in the lifestyle? Do I leave that part out? I think out would be best, I don't want to be locked up, if it's not in a cage, or something done by Master and Mistress, LoL! I wonder if there is any lifestyle friendly shrinks out there? I'm sure there is, I have known regular doctors, lawyers, okay, kinksters across the board!!!

   I just need to find out when they are doing the physical part, so we know when it's safe to add more bruises, LoL. Sure, I have tons of bruises, on my arms and legs, from Mistress' biting me all the time, but my butt is back to white, and my breasts will be white again soon enough. ~Sighs~ This could be a bad week, or two, until I get the appointment dates in the mail! I've already been a bit emotional these past few days, trying hard to keep the temper in check... Even had a brief, fleeting moment where I missed the ex-Master. Okay, that alone, should get me locked up!!!!!!! ~Shakes her head~

   Oh, speaking of the ex-Master, He apparently created a new "family" profile, and used that to troll my profile again! Ugh, just never gives up. Oh well, one more profile to block!! I'm off to finish my cleaning, need to hang up one more load of laundry, then vacuum the house... Then... then.... ~Cries~ I can't play games, or chat, or... This so sucks!!!!!!!!!!

   Finally, the laundry is done!!!! MWAHAHAHA Yes, I know I need help, LoL. Was a good day, chores, dinner, all the fun stuff. Then it was family movie night, "Little Shop Of Horrors", with popcorn and koolaid. Hey, it's fun for me! Can You believe I had never seen that whole movie, until I came here?? I've seen a lot of newer movies, guess I just need to work on the oldies, but goodies. ~Shrugs~ Oh, that's about it for today's journal. Sorry to disappoint. However, it has been some time, it's inevitable that my mouth will slip soon. Then again... Maybe this stubborn mule is finally learning? Nah, that couldn't be it, could it? ~Shrugs~ Only time will tell!

   Another short journal entry, as there is not much to say. A pleasant day, Everyone slept in. I got some laundry done, after making lunch... See? Not much, lol. 

   You know what's bad? When the dog barks so much that, it doesn't always wake me, but it get incorporated into dreams! I woke myself up, yelling at the dog to shut up, LoL. Anyway, was a pretty good day. Had a wee, hmm, not sure what to call it!? Well, Mistress grabbed my still bruised breast, pinching it, and digging in Her claws. That wouldn't have been so bad, but She was feeling playful, I guess, and said I just had to say two words for Her to stop. However, I had to figure out the 2 words, and Master figured out the first word, where I had absolutely no clue what it would be. How was I supposed to know Snufflelufagus (spell check on isle 4 please) would be it? Soooooooooooooooooo... Before the words could be figured out, I kinda had to shut down. By shut down, I mean block it out as best I could, kinda that cold space! Eventually though, as I said, Master figured out the first word, where I knew the second (Mistress, obviously), but I was not going to say it. Nope, by then it was snap, or just a face off, wait for Her to give up or something. However, anyone who knows Mistress, knows that isn't going to happen!

   Mistress then grabbed the other breast too, pinching, digging in the nails. When that failed to get the response She wanted, She went to grab the knife. Only a second or two with the knife, and She went to get the nipple clamps. Now, I'm not sure if I've mentioned before, but both nipples are pierced. Not a problem, if You place the clamps a certain way... If not, all I am going to say is "OUCH"! So I finally caved, said the words!!! Then we finished getting ready and headed to town. No, that's not the end of that. Well, it's the end of the torture on the still bruised breasts, but not that story. Because on the way into town, we had to have a discussion about everything that happened!

   They are waiting for something, a certain response, an emotional break... However, I am not the normal girl! Never have been, doubt I ever will be! So this process of Their's, Their methods, well, it may work... Somewhere down the road. As She said, it's a matter of finding that right button, that right key on the keyboard, to get what They are looking for. My response was "What if You hit the wrong button, before You can find the right one?"! So She came to the backseat, to sit with me and talk, as Master drove. However, by that point, I was still in that not wanting to talk stage. My words were few. Responses were short and to the point, when I was asked questions. 

   We finally made it to town, after what seemed like an eternity, LoL. Went out to eat, ran some errands, and had some fun at Scheels! Never thought I could really get into a store like that, but it was awesome! Ohhhhhh so many beautiful shinies... err, knives!! Master had too much fun with the guns, but I have to admit, seeing Him handle those guns with such expertise, was kind of a turn on! ~Looks away~ Mistress was looking at some guns too, She even tried to hand me this wittle baby pink rifle. I told Her it wasn't even fully grown, and it had to be thrown back, LoL. I picked up a flyer, for a thing for beginners to get gun and safety training, to apply for a gun permit. Go figure, a girl who used to be so against all that, picking up a flyer to see about getting a gun permit!?

   All in all, wasn't too bad of a day! hehe... 

   Not much to say tonight. Part of me wants to rant, about the ~BEEP~ Ex-Master. But the other part just wants to shut down. He just never gives up! Master noticed how the e-mail got to me, more so, the fact that the blocks didn't seem to stop it. Master pulled me close and made me feel a lot better. Just sometimes wish some of the Ex-Masters would disappear off the face of the earth! Oh well, can't have everything LoL.

   A much better day today! No nightmares of the ex-Masters, just some odd dreams of my new family here. I like that... Family. I know, probably sounds silly to You, but to me, it means so much!! I even started incorporating my things into Theirs. Sad, isn't it? I've been here over a month, and just now mixing my toiletries, and odds-n-ends in with Theirs. That, for me, is a big deal! I'll be honest, I knew the previous Master for over 7 years, lived with Him for 5 years, but my stuff was still kept separate from Theirs. Some did get mixed in together, but that was because of a couple of moves. With the Ex, I I would use terms like "When I get back to the house", not "When I get home". Here, I say home! Wow, do I ever need some help, feel myself getting all misty over the words "Family", and "Home"! 

   Not sure if I should be getting this done now, or if it would be better to wait until morning. Oh well, as You can clearly see, I am doing it now, LoL. So the birthday curse strikes again! Well, I call it the birthday curse, but Most like to argue against it. See, my brothers, and my sister, were all born within a year of each other. One year, my eldest brother. Next year, my sister. Next year, my other brother............................... Eight years later, after too much to drink at a Christmas party, my Mom had me, the mistake! LoL Oh boy, did I ever turn out to be the mistake, the black sheep of the family. Well, every b-day, something seems to go horribly awry. I say it's because my Mom cursed the day I was born, LoL. Everyone wants to argue that, They say "You were not a mistake", or "I'm sure that's not true, she wouldn't have cursed the day you were born"! Honestly, They haven't known me long, or been around for many birthdays, to know that well!

   One year, I was getting into a car, talking and laughing with those I was with, so I didn't see the Yellow Jackets I was about to sit on. Oh, of course, I'm allergic to yellow jackets! With the Ex-Master, every single birthday, of mine, started with a major fight, and ended as a major disaster. Another, was a very, very bad experience with someone slipping some drugs in my drink. After, of course, having one too many to begin with! I could probably go back a good dozen or more years, with something bad happening on each birthday. Today was no exception... With me "murdering" a tire, lol. Yes, we were on our way to town, I was driving, and we blew a tire. Then, of course, the jack was giving us a hard time. Well, mostly Mistress, as She was doing it because of my back (okay, and She's stronger than me too). The lug nuts decided to give a bit of a hard time too. Luckily though, a really nice gentleman pulled over and helped us out! He had a better jack, and got the tire changed pretty quick. I am so thankful that he decided to pull over, and offered his help. He even followed us to town, where we ran our errands with a few minor difficulties here and there.

   Considering everything, I'd say this was probably the most mellow birthday I've had in at least a dozen years!! Master even made dinner tonight, had everything ready by the time we got back. Italian beef, fettuccine alfredo, veggies, and gravy for the meat. He even made a german chocolate cake, yummy!!!!!! So we had an awesome dinner, then the Family sang happy birthday, as the candles on the cake nearly burnt down the house, LoL! Mistress had to switch out my name, in the song, to Puddles! ~Grumbles~ So, Master chimes in with "...Many puddles more"! I could get used to these kinds of birthdays, even with "The Birthday Curse", LoL!!

   Another night in which I missed my journal, sorry Master and Mistress. Yesterday Master and Mistress decided to play a prank, of sorts, on me. I had been busy, doing my chores and such, and when I came upstairs, They called me into the bedroom. They told me to close the door, looking rather stern, bordering on upset. Then They tell me to take a seat on the bed, near where They sat in the computer chairs. As You can guess, this whole time, I was preparing myself for the worst. Wondering what was going on, what I had done wrong, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah... However, right here is where Master gave it away, as He started laying it on really thick, about how They had been talking about me. It wasn't just Him laying on so thick, that was the give away, but He apparently has a problem keeping a straight face. It looked like He was fighting to hold back a grin!

   Then, He pounced me, knocking me back on the bed, where He and Mistress tried tickling me, then Mistress broke out Mr. Hitachi! Once upon a time, I was in love with the Hitachi. However, She has a way of making it seem like an evil toy, LoL! So, as You can guess, the bed was flooded... Again!!! I had tried asking for a towel first, but noooo! Then again, I think Mistress was right, even the towel wouldn't have made much of a difference. ~Groans~ At this rate, I will never live down the nickname of Puddles!

   Today, so far, hasn't been bad. Save for some Peach Coffee we tried. ~Crinkles up her nose~ That stuff was nasty! Okay, I really shouldn't say that, since for the first second, it tasted okay, then You get that nasty, funky after taste! Though I was amusing, to see Everyone's faces when They tried it, hehe. Master had me dump out that pot pretty quick, and make some regular coffee. Oh, and a malfunction with the washing machine. I was wondering what was taking so long, for the buzzer on the washer to sound, so I went down to the basement to check it out. There was at least an inch of water all around the washing machine, and although the washing machine stopped, the clothes were still dripping wet!!

   I didn't get to do last night's journal, as I was sent to bed relatively early, due to the pain in my back, and the admission to me being really close to snapping! Master gave me a few pain pills, and sent me to take a long hot shower. Mistress had the bed cleared, and a heating pad set up, and I was told to lay down. When I asked when I could get up, so I could finish my chores, I was told "Tomorrow". So... Here it is, "tomorrow". Already cleared with Mistress, when She woke up for a bit earlier, and went to get the laundry off the line. Also set up Master's coffee pot, so when He started moving I just had to turn it on. Even tried clearing His desk a wee bit.

   I feel completely useless as a slave. I decided last night, before I fell asleep, that I honestly have no right to call myself a slave. Also, given the temper that arises, as the pain level increases, I don't think I could even be called a submissive! What good is a slave who is falling apart physically? What good is a slave, who is only allowed to lift 10 pounds, or carry just 5 pounds? What good is a slave who can only take the stairs 10 times a day before she starts feeling the pain? ~Raises her hand~ I can answer that... No good!

   I honestly feel that Master and Mistress deserve better. They deserve so much more than I can give Them, so much more than I can do for Them! In my honest opinion, Master and Mistress should take me out to the woods, to go "hunting", and accidentally shoot me in the head! ~Nods~ But before then, maybe I could help Them find a good slave. One who is healthy, strong, and able to do whatever They want. Someone who can give Them anything They need. Because heaven knows, it's not me!

   Okay, remember I said play in the morning is bad? Well, I now think end of the day journals are bad. I think they need to be in the mornings, when they won't bite me in the butt!! As with last night, when I said the soreness, and sensitivity, plus the piercing meant a frustrated girl?! ~Nods~ Mistress couldn't have a frustrated girl going to bed, without being taken care of! Well, okay, first was Mistress' turn for some fun. To be honest, I was nervous as could be. I had only really been with one other girl before. Sure, I had a few girlfriends, but only went all the way to the home stretch with one girl. To be honest, I didn't even want to be with that one, only did it to please a previous Master (sorry, her attitude was a huge turn off to me). All I could think was "What if I'm not good enough?"! She sensed my hesitation, of course... Then again, with how I was stalling, I think Anyone could have sensed that! LoL It went well enough, though I am sure I could use some more practice, hehe.

   Then, as I said, was my turn. Again, stalling, hesitation... Simply because it seemed like it would end up being a never ending, vicious cycle to me. Frustration, due to sensitivity, more use, more sensitivity, more frustration... You get the picture! Of course, that mattered not, lol. Soooooooo..........

   Next day, not too much to tell. Spent the day out with the Mistress, running errands. Then home, to put groceries away, and get things ready for dinner. Great dinner too, Master grilled out, Master BBQ'er! ~Grins~ Now, all stuffed, showered, and ready to pass out. With the lack of sleep last night, between the fun with Mistress, and the dog barking all morning, I'm sure You understand. Good night Everyone, and pleasant dreams, for when Morpheus does find You!

   Well, I didn't get to sleep until late again. I laid down, with every intention of going to sleep, but.... Nope! As I laid there, Mistress reached back and ran her fingers along the bottom of my foot, and I made the mistake of jerking away. Normally, I am only ticklish in one spot, which Master already found and has been exploiting. I don't know if it's just because I was overly tired, or what it was, but I was hypersensitive, and easily tickled. So, You guessed it, Master and Mistress had fun tickling the You know what out of me. He'd even hold down my at least one of my arms, so She could go at it! No matter which way I twisted, turned, even had my feet up on the wall, with my arm still pinned by Master, trying to walk my way along the wall and out of Mistress' reach! I was near tears, begging, pleading for Them to stop, but They just seemed to be having way too much fun.

   After the tickle torture was done, Mistress decided it was time for Her special brand of sweet torture. She handed Master the control to one of the toys, while She had the other toys... Well, I can say this much, I did stay on the towel, and didn't soak the bed for once! Okay, okay, mostly because She pinned my legs down, so I couldn't scoot all over the place!! Still, has to count for something, right? No? Can't blame a girl for trying! Poor Mistress, every time, it seems I am not the only one who has to clean up. ~Blushes~ I can't help that She does that to me!!! I've been a wee bit sore, quite sensitive, and sadly, ummm... the sensitivity, along with the piercing there, equals frustration for me! Ugh, never ending cycle of teasing and torture.

   Well, I am going to attempt to sleep now, wish me luck!

   Wow, I am still wiped out from yesterday, go figure! However, I was a good girl, and did what Master asked, for chores today. Though I must admit, I have been counting down until bedtime, lol. Other than that, and making that chocolate fudge cake, with the fudge frosting, not much to report... Just my breasts hurt!! Gee, I wonder why?

   I have come to the decision, that play, in the beginning of the day, is bad! ~Nods~ All I wanted to do today is sleep, but couldn't. Yes, Master really took it out on my breasts today! Well, He got my back, and butt too, but I'll post a pick, and You can see why I put the breasts as first and foremost. Wow, they are so tender right now!! I am in love with His flogger, oh did that ever feel good on my back. But Mistress' knotted one, mean, so very mean. ~Hisses at it~ That would be the one that did the major coloring on the breasts. I think He also used a crop on them, as well, but to be honest... It gets a bit hazy towards the end, LoL. I remember tears, flowing down my cheeks, and after all was done, I broke down crying. Leave it to me, wait until it's all over to cry, right!? Great emotional release, that's for sure.

   Another beautiful day, went out and about with Master and Mistress, running errands. Though I may have been asking for it a bit, while out to dinner. Okay, with a bit more than just then. See, Master is a Bears fan, myself, a Packers fan. What can I say, I was born in WI, it's bred into us! LoL So I may have set a picture from a 1994 game between the Bears and the Packers, in which the Packers stomped the Bears 33-6, as the wallpaper on my laptop! In turn, I had to wear Master's Bear's ball cap, took a picture and posted it on another sight. It seems like I keep doing these little things, more and more. Nothing enough to get my butt beat in a serious fashion, but kinda just begging for it, You could say!

   Actually, Master had me bring out the toys tonight, as He was going to have a little fun. However, things kept coming up to put a halt to that idea. So, He had me set it all aside, so He can get me in the morning, after I make His coffee! To be honest, I'm kinda glad it's been postponed until tomorrow, as I am still wiped out from last night with Mistress. Oh yes, another one of those Hubba Hubba, I've died and gone to heaven kind of moments last night!!!! Seriously, I don't know how She does it, sent me straight to that lovely little place, that I do love so much! Here Mistress, just what You've been waiting for me to post... "Woof"!!!!! hehe

   Oh, not to mention this afternoon. Though that one was very embarrassing for me. Let me just give a wee back story (I promise, it will be just a wee back story). See, growing up, I was shy... Okay, not just shy, but painfully shy!!! Although I have come a long way, am a very out there type of girl now, I still have my moments of shyness. Today was one of those days, as They wanted me to masturbate in front of Them!!  I know, a lot of You are probably thinking "Big deal", right? Well, to me, it is a big deal. Embarrassing, the shyness hit, self conscious suddenly, and I tried so hard to get out of it. Unfortunately though, They weren't letting me get out of it. What was I thinking, like They would ever let me squirm out of something?! The threat of the paddle was the push I needed, and I did what was ordered. Afterwards, Mistress grabbed hold of the Hitachi and kinda kicked things up a notch! Given everything, I ummm... may... sorta... have been given a new nickname, by Master and Mistress. They have taken to calling me Puddles!!! ~Looks away as she blushes~ Mistress was even thinking of getting me a new dog tag, simply engraved with the nick "Puddles", to replace my old tag, and old nickname! So many years, so many friends and Masters, so many nicknames. But come on, Puddles???? ~groans~ Noooo, I'm not complaining Mistress, honest!! ~Chews on her lip~ I think I am going to end this now.

   It was a nice day today. Just folded some laundry, and of course, made Master's coffee. Other than that, I went with the Mistress to town, and we did some shopping. Lots of talking, on our way to and from. One point I nearly broke down crying, as we talked of past loves. Funny, out of everything that has happened to me, the one that still gets me, is never knowing what happened to a certain Someone. He was the first Person to ever make me look at myself, not just in a mirror (though He did do that), but inside as well. The first Person to ever make me feel like I was something, or someone special. Oh how I went all out for Him too. Then, one day, He just disappeared! Long story, which I won't go into here, but Mistress knows, and that is all that matters. Well, Her and Master, of course! I think that is what gets me the most, not knowing... Or maybe I do know, and I just don't want to admit it!

   Otherwise, it was a great day. Lots of talking, laughing.

   Now, I hope Master and Mistress will understand my posting this... But this is for Him.

Revelation

I stand before the mirror

Is that my reflection I see?

The eyes are cold and distant

What has happened to me?

An empty expression

No smile upon my face

A love for life now gone

Hatred has taken it's place

I reach out to the image

My fingers touch the glass

The fog is slowly lifted

By the memories of my past

The pain sweeps through

And the tears begin to fall

Trembling deep inside

With the destruction of this wall

I feel You take my hand

As I turn to look away

And I know I've found my strength

To face each coming day

   Today I had this unexplainable feeling, that I just couldn't shake. Up until about an hour ago, I just felt like I was in the way, like it would be better for Everyone if I wasn't here! I don't know why, like I said, unexplainable! Everything was business as normal, Master and Mistress were great, as They have been since I got here... But no matter what, I just couldn't shake that feeling, throughout the majority of the day.

   Then, the feeling subsided, and Master had me laughing so hard, my cheeks hurt, and tears were about to spill, lol. I guess laughter really is the best medicine!

   That paddle has been sitting on Master's desk for two days now, and He has been reminding me of it here and there. Though I have been in a mood lately, I have stopped myself from doing/saying anything that would give Him cause to use it. Granted, I almost slipped tonight, after Master made a certain comment. I didn't, even asked where my bit gag was... But managed to hold my tongue without it! Not sure how long I can do this, eventually I am positive that my smart alec side will get the best of me!

   Just a quick insert, hopefully no more to come today. The paddle is out, sitting on Master's desk, in reach... Taunting me, just as He is. And although my mind (and my butt, still bruised from the last incident on the 29th) is screaming no, No, NO, my stupid mouth just keeps pushing it! It's like my body is at war with itself. The mind and bottom trying so hard to be good, and stay out of trouble. The rest of my body saying "Nah, it's been a while, you know you want to feel it again!". I thought the brain was supposed to be in control? So much for a blonde thinking, right?!

   Was an uneventful day, save for folding a mountain of laundry, then playing in the pool! Of course, silly me, I did do something stupid. No, nothing to get me into trouble, even though I know You are still hoping! I had just gotten back in, from the pool, and turned my laptop on at the request of the Master. So I did, and turned on my webcam while talking to a sub friend, more to show the wet hair and swimsuit, as I told her I was just out of the pool. No issues, right? Not yet. Well, the conversation ended, as she went to bed. I ran to do something for Master, then asked if I could go take a hot shower, clean up, and warm up, after the pool, and sitting in front of the fan chatting. I wander out of the shower, dry off, moving all around, then sat down to apply lotion. It wasn't until I set the lotion down, in front of the laptop, that I noticed... Stupid girl, webcam is still on, and you are butt naked!!!!! One of those slap Yourself in the forehead moments, ugh.

   In the light of Your sweet love I grow, ever changing for the better. When I feel Your touch I know, this is what I have been longing for. This hot night seems cold, compared to the flame You stir within my heart!

   Okay, so I was talking to an ex-Dom, and still good Friend, and we began to reminisce about my past... ~Clears her throat~ "Loves"!! He came to the conclusion that I should never be allowed to pick a Master out for myself again! I say, with my track record, I shouldn't be allowed any choices, in anything, period!! LoL So if things don't work here...

    Now stop right there, Master and Mistress. Please do not get the nonexistent underwear in a twist!! I am not saying things will go wrong, or that I am having a moment of doubt, just setting up a plan for the future, part of the "What If" thing I always have going on in this head! Okay, I know that sounds like a doubt thing, but honestly, it's not. I swear!!! Not curse, but promise, You know what I mean. Man am I babbling or what? As I was saying.

   Should things not work out here, I beg of You, please do not let me pick out the next Master and/or Mistress!! I'm pretty sure my luck has run out, and any choice that I make, will end up killing me!!!!

   I am getting to hate writing my journals. Okay, I really shouldn't say that, because I do like to write. Add in my extremely out there personality, and my mischievous ways, which usually get my butt into trouble, and I end up with a small fan base! LoL I just don't want to write today, due to the fact that I really don't wish to talk about last night's little "melt down"! Yes, I said melt down, and NO, it was nothing that got me into trouble... Sorry to be a disappointment Folks!!

   So, all was going well yesterday, as evident by yesterday's journal. Then I got to talking with an old Friend. For the 3rd time, since leaving the ex-Master and coming here, I've gotten "Wish I would have known", or "I missed out again?" and all that jazz, from these old Dom Friends! So, knowing me, I set myself into a tail spin of thinking, doubting, wondering... I am horrible with the shoulda, coulda, woulda, and the what if's! Oh those what if's are a... errr, something I am not allowed to say! You thought I was going to slip, didn't You?? HA, thanks for so much belief in me, LoL.

   ~Turns her laptop, so Master can't read as she types~ I so hate when He does that, He knows it drives me up a wall, and He sits there with this grin the whole time! He reads it all when I am done, not like He actually reads it while I am typing, He just leans and looks, because He knows it throws me off. Where was I? Oh yes, the what if thing.

   So I start doubting myself, my ability to make decisions, come on, look at some of the Winners I've had in the past! Seriously, I am lucky to be alive today!! Yes, I even questioned Master, Who has been there through thick and thin, through all the disasters I had to recover from, never faltering as one of the best Friends a girl in this life could have!! Yesterday, without thinking, as I was talking to the cat... Yes, talking to the cat, and no I am not completely insane! Just partially, anywho... I was telling the cat, that he would learn to stay off counters, and will stop trying to snitch food from plates, basically learn some manners, before "They chew me up and spit me out"! Okay, that right there sparked questions from Master. So I guess You could also say that this all began before talking to that old Friend. I'll blame that time of the month, as good an excuse as any, right?!

   Master hasn't done anything to prompt that, never done anything at all to make me think He wouldn't be there for me, even if it turned out I wasn't the best fit for this family! It's all my fears, damaged goods, oh lord... run, damaged goods! Who needs to deal with that baggage, right? Nobody, at least not in my opinion. So instead of saying anything, I lay in bed, silently crying. Then He pulled the covers from my head, to ask for something, and I was busted! I tried to hide it, best I could, but I failed. He, of course, then asked why I was crying, but I couldn't answer. All I could say was "I'm fine". Yes Men, the FINE word, sirens go off, bells and whistles, "ALERT, ALERT, she said FINE"? But You still don't know how to respond to that "fine", do You? Thankfully, Mistress did! LoL

   Saved by the female half, right?? Nah, I am just too stubborn, tried to hide away in the bathroom really. However, Mistress came in, closed the door, and sat down in front of it, to talk to me. Kinda blocking my escape route, if You know what I mean. She would not let me leave, until I spilled the beans. So I talked, and so did She. I must say, She is very wise, though I still didn't want to talk, or look at Her! See, stubborn!!! We hashed it out, I felt much better by the end.

   So now I have to apologize, to both Master and Mistress, for ever having doubted Them. It's not that I really doubted You, but still myself. You've known me with the nickname of poison, and now You know the reason. For so long, I felt I was poison to Others, that I changed Them somehow, and not for the best! I ruined Them... All fault was my own, as it has been drilled into me since I was young. So yes, even when People went psycho on me, I still found a way to blame myself! I'm sorry, as You truly did not deserve that. I love You Both!

   Oh good lord, I said the L word, I need to run, NOW!!!

   Was a nice day, just ran a couple errands with the Master. Then we came home and got breakfast ready for the Mistress, breakfast in bed... Hehe. Though I think the Mountain Dew was the biggest hit, a Woman after my own heart! I'm getting too distracted, and laughing too hard right now to think of what I was going to write, lol. ~Clears her throat and straightens up~ Okay...

   Had a nice nap today too, I know, so boring to You, but so needed for me. Then, after dinner and dishes were out of the way, went to play in the pool. kept having to do swim by's, around the Mistress, trying to steal kisses and such!! Such a naughty girl, I know. However, I just can't help myself, She brings this very playful, lust filled side out in me! Same as in the shower, after the pool. Just one of those glances back over Her shoulder at "the shower wall"... Such a lucky wall, LoL! I wanted to trail kisses over Her body, as I washed Her, but I wasn't sure if I would be overstepping any boundaries. I guess next time, I'll just have to be the good girl and ask. Never know until I ask!

   It was a long, long day! I was tired from the start, with waking up at 8 AM. However, Master was a great help in getting the basement cleared, I would have keeled over if I had to do it myself. Nothing like the musty smell of the basement to trigger an asthma attack! After everything was cleared, Master, Mistress and myself all went to the laundromat, to get the laundry all caught up in one shot. Tomorrow Master said we will be having a folding party, lol! At least that part will all be caught up, YaY!! That mountain of laundry has been harping at me since day one. I am so thankful for both Master's and Mistress' help in all that!

   Of course, right now Master is looking (and sounding) like He is going to die. But He was doing some heavy lifting all day! Of course, with how my back feels, I am not far behind Him, lol. I just popped on to check e-mail, and do my journal, while eating the peanut butter crispy treat Master got me... Yum, chocolate and peanut butter, a good end to a day! LoL Then hopefully off to bed to crash for 20-30 hours, and recover. I wish, I know that won't happen though.

   Nothing note worthy happened yesterday, however, I was informed I needed to start keeping daily journals. So here I am... Ummm... What to talk about? All went well yesterday, just cleaned the bathroom, cleaned out the fridge and did the dishes. Yehaw, right? Made beef stroganoff for dinner, that went over well! Other than that, just the same routine, different day. Except I was wicked tired, see the previous journal as to why I was so tired! Mistress was like a guardian angel, bringing me the elixir of life, when She gave me a 1.5 liter of Mountain Dew!! LoL Oh and my Sour Cherry Balls... SUGAR!!! Though Master had to be a Party Pooper, only let me have a single candy. Oh well, one is better than none, I guess. Maybe I can earn some more today. Hmmm, doubt that, if He reads the Party Pooper comment! Oh well, I'm off to see the wizard... err I mean gather laundry.

   I told You that I would get it!! He finally calmed down enough to deliver the paddle to my butt! It was bad enough, when Mistress woke up, and He had me tell her what I said. I fought back tears as I told her. Her reply was something to the effect of "That was mighty brave"! I was like "No Ma'am, not brave, I was just in a whole lot of pain, and not thinking". Well, let's just say that He gave me something to think about, for a long time to come!

   I was told to fetch a bowl of warm salt water, a wash cloth, and the paddle. I was then instructed to drop my shorts and bend over Master's chair. Mistress sat on the other side of the chair, watching, I think She was just trying to make sure Master didn't kill me or something! ~Shrugs~ As I look back, I am thankful She stayed in the room, but at the time, I was so ashamed that I didn't want Anyone around... I didn't even want to be there! So Master began, whacking hard enough to bring tears to the brim of spilling over, and His words finishing the job!! Over and over again, the paddle stuck my bottom, and that speech went on, until I was crying into thee back of the chair.

   After all was said, and done, I was told to stand in the in the corner (man I hate corner time) and not make a peep. At that point, I thought that was the worst, standing there, silently crying, as His words kept running through my head. After a while, Master called me over to kneel before Him, said something else to me, but at that point everything started to blur. He then pulled me in, holding my head to His chest, and I pretty much lost it! I asked to go to the bathroom, and stumbled in there as quick as possible, after They said yes. At which point I turned on the water, and sobbed, bent over the sink. Of course, the worst came later, when Master asked me what the hardest part of it all was. I don't know why it was so hard to say, but it was His disappointment, His anger towards me, all because I had shown such disrespect in that brief moment!!

   Lesson learned... ~Rubs her bottom~ Though I still have a lingering reminder. Of course, Mistress helped to make sure that I felt that reminder, late last night. With Her sweet torture! Omg, no woman can drive me crazy like She can! Practically climbing the walls! Though I nearly started to panic, when I saw the web cam on and ready to record it all! ~Whimpers~ I hate cameras, and video is far worse!! Let's just say it was a very long night. I had to double up a towel and lay it across my bed, to go to sleep... as my bed was soaked!!!! Have You ever begged anyone to stop before? Yes, I was begging Her to stop by the end. Not due to pain, but pleasure overload!!! Woof... That is one amazing Woman!

   Well, today I really did it, I got myself into some scalding hot water! First I should start by saying that I have a deteriorating spine. Deteriorating more so on one side, than the other, so it's pushing the discs out and those are pressing against the nerves. Painful, yes. Does it affect my ability to do my work, no, I refuse to let it. And right there is the issue!! I do more than I should, with lifting, or carrying things. In that, I cause myself a world of pain, at times. As much pain as I live in, it's very rare that it gets to such a point to where it affects my mood. Today, it did! I was in some big pain when I went to bed, and when I woke up to Master's voice softly saying my name and "Coffee"... I got up as usual, but more slowly, and almost cursing along the way, because my back had locked up overnight! Normal lock up, when I sit too long after a hard day working, isn't as bad. When that happens, I can usually keep the attitude in check, right!? Well, not with the just waking up grogginess, and extreme pain!!

   So I went to clear today's outfit with the Master, and He said no to the white tank top. He even said it in a very light hearted manner, not so bad right? Now that I look back, no... But that's also after a muscle relaxer, a nice high dosage vicodin, and 2 tramadol! However, at that moment, it was not pretty. Before I could stop myself, out of my mouth flies something along the lines of "Don't even go there, You can beat me if You want, I don't care!!"!!! Mistress was still asleep, my clothes are in the dresser on the other side of where she sleeps, and with the move, there is a lot of stuff in the narrow walk-way, preventing me from easily getting to it all. So... yes, I snapped! What's worse, I didn't apologize, right at that moment, either.

   Does my mouth stop there? Ohhhh no!! As we are sitting at His desk, I am facing thee wall, and keep seeing Him looking over at me, in my peripheral vision. So what does my stupid self say? Oh it was simple, but... ummm... snapped it... "What?"... short pause "Sir?"! That's when He simply said He was trying to calm down!! Yup, I sure got myself into it. Since I've been here, I have never seen Him have to take any time to calm Himself! So He told me to go lay back down. I said it would only make it worse, on my back that is. Hence, going and taking the pills!

   I finally apologized, and said I realized that it wouldn't change anything, and I will take whatever is due. All is calm at the moment, but Mistress is still sleeping, I'm betting I will get it later. Oh, and I do not bet, unless I know for sure I'll win! I will probably post tomorrow, just how bad I did get it!

   Tune in tomorrow for the next episode of ethereal one does it again!

I am so backwards! Then again, every single doctor that I have ever had, could have told You that. Last night I had a whole bunch of twisted dreams. If this says anything, in one, the Mistress and I were little girls, and we were stuck in the hospital, during a Zombie attack, and had to fight our way out... Okay, one too many Zombie movies lately, I get that! But there was one normal dream. I can remember it being "normal", but I couldn't remember the dream for anything! I finally remembered, it just took most of the day. Sad thing is, I could remember the twisted, elaborate ones, but not the nice, sweet, "normal", and short dream! Go figure, this is me we are talking about.

   So in this dream, I wake up to see Master sitting at His desk, falling asleep in His chair (Hmm, was this a dream, or did it really happen?). I watched Him for a moment, before crawling over to kneel beside Him, putting my head on His knee, falling back to sleep as He put His hand on my head... That's it!! Short, simple, sweet... and I couldn't remember it for the life of me!! Maybe I blocked out it out, "Due to sappy content, this dream may not be remembered by the dreamer!"!

   Did You know, that a mischievous mood, in a slave, is a very bad thing? I had this feeling, all day, that my butt would be in trouble before the end of the night. I was right! Apparently Master really dislikes the song "You don't own me"!! Bad enough I sang it to the point of Him grabbing a pigtail, wrapping it around His hand, and jerking me down to tell me the song was off limits. However, I had to take it a step further... Though I must say, it wasn't entirely my fault! I soooo wanted a cig, and Mistress asked what I would be willing to do for it, and singing that song again, was what it was. Sure, I could have said no, asked to have done something else... Okay, okay, it was my fault! I think what made it worse was, not just singing it, as I went down the stairs, but giggling as I did. ~Cringes~

   So tonight, Master gave me a "singing lesson". He taught me that it's extremely difficult to remember the lyrics, not lose my place, and sing as my butt if being paddled!! ~Rubs her tush~ Seemed like He was really favoring the right cheek tonight, extra sore on that side. Lesson of the day? Do NOT do what Master says not to, even for a cig!

   Today, at an orthopedics appointment, the nurse asks if Master and Mistress were my family. The answer came so easily, "Yes!". Are they related by blood, no, of course not. I know I have only just recently came to join this family, but it just seemed right. Normally, seeing how easily that did come, I would have run for the hills, as soon as I realized what I said! Why? Because that's me, lol. I don't know how to put it...

   Feeling for someone, easily done, if it's a child! Feeling something more, for Someone more, is a scary realization to me. Sure, part of it stems from my childhood, and the rest from poor decisions made throughout my life. Yes, I know and recognize this. Does it mean I can change it? Ehhhhh, well, I can change how I react to the realization, but that doesn't stop that cowardly reflex, to want to run... But I didn't run, didn't even stumble back a bit, as it slapped me in the face! Family... A place where I belong, could it be true? Did I finally find it? Did I finally find Those who I can love, and perhaps, in time... Enough of this, I should go back to bed, before I start blubbering like a baby! LoL

   Now to finish the journal entry that I started yesterday. I believe I left off somewhere around, "Last night, as my back was majorly in pain..." then was sidetracked by Master and Mistress looking at collars and other, ummm, nifty gadgets and gizmos! So I'm easily distracted, what can I... "SQUIRREL!!!"... errr, say? I lost the roll I was on yesterday, with the journal entry. I get into this flow, and if You stop me, I lose it, quick! However, let me go, while I am on one, and it can go on forever. I know, "Obviously!", right?    So where was I going with this? Oh yeah... Now it's "The night before last..." Stop me if You've heard this one! Oh You have? Great, that means I'm done. Thank You and good night! ~Runs before she is made to sit and finish it~

   Open mouth, insert foot... I knew I shouldn't have posted yesterday's journal! So, as You can guess, my "Unauthorized cleaning" did come back to bite me in the butt. Compounded by the fact that I did not follow an order to the tee. Master sent me downstairs to see how many potatoes we had, get Mistress one of the bottles of water that I had put in the freezer (I was expecting the hot day), and a pack of smokes before I started on dinner. I did everything but forgot the smokes, until I was already back downstairs and had my hands buried in hamburger! The mistake was not forgetting, per say, the mistake was more the fact that I sent someone else up with the smokes, when I did remember.

   No paddling though... shocked? Don't be, it was the crop!! And worse, since I kinda, sorta, maybe, did an emotionless number, while being reprimanded. Yes, issue number 1, my upbringing has taught me to stay strong, not ask for help, nothing that shows weakness. And anger is an emotion, a weakness, as was always said "He who angers you, controls you". I know, I know, Master, slave... He DOES control me, right?? Well, yes... That's just the last clinging vestiges of the time spent with the ex-so called-Master, best You don't ask. I guess, as much as I have always cared for Master, and now Mistress, I am still so afraid to let myself completely fall for Them. Though I can say this, I am thoroughly in lust with Mistress, ~Wolf whistles~. She can have me climbing the walls in a matter of seconds, flooding the bed, and suddenly I have found religion... "Jesus... Oh God, OH GOD!"!! lol.

   Okay, okay, enough levity. Though, I have to say, it is the truth! Last night, as my back was majorly in pain... Okay they are looking at Collars and other fun things, as I am trying to type this, so I can't concentrate!!! Enough for now, will post more about last night, after my head clears.

   The last few days have been busy ones, I feel like I have been slacking, in the house cleaning. Granted, they were all spent running to and fro, getting Everyone to Dr.'s appointments, and general errands. But I still feel like I didn't get much of anything done. So today I am just chilling... In other words, running up and down a couple flights of stairs every half an hour to an hour, doing loads of laundry, hanging them out to dry, folding them and putting it all away! Yay, at least I will get my exercise in, lol.

   I thought I was going to get it, for a few minutes today. I tried waking Master, a couple of different times, to see if I could get started on the cleaning... Fail. He just did not want to wake up! Eventually, fear of the paddle was overcome by an obsessive need to clean, and I started, without the go ahead from Him. When He did wake up, His eyebrow went up, and He gave me that look, along with the "Unauthorized cleaning?"! I thought I was in for it, but I tried to explain I DID try to wake Him, to get the authorization, but He just wasn't budging. So far, so good... As long as it doesn't come back to bite me in the butt!

   As for the challenge to myself, to NOT get my butt and the paddle together for more play dates, I've been doing good. Hopefully, Nobody tries to play any mind games with me, to intentionally trip me up, and I say I got this!!! ~Keeps her fingers crossed, knocks on wood, and starts looking for any lucky charms she may be able to find~ Anyone have any rabbit's feet, horse shoes, or four leaf clovers that I can borrow for a while? Please?? Pretty please???

   All I can say about last night is... Woof!!!! Okay, anyone who knows me, knows that isn't all I can, or will say, but still! So the evil started with Master, using my ummm... affinity for knives against me. All evening, between tickles and the knives, I was so frustrated. So quite a bit down the road, He gave the go ahead to get with girl's best friend. You know, BZZzzzZZZzz!? Would have been nice to end it there, right? Nah... Next thing I know, Master has me getting out Mistress' crop. So downstairs I go, to kneel at Her feet and offer it to Her. I think the wait, and Her seaming indifference, at the time, drove me crazy more than anything. Mind games, ugh, a taste of my own medicine.

   After a bit, we head upstairs, back to kneeling, and some evil plotting between Master and Mistress, and Mistress was turned loose on me! More knives, a wicked, sharp knife, omg I thought I was going to drop to my knees in a matter of minutes. Does it stop there? Ohhhh no! Now I know some of You are saying "More, come on, details", but I won't spill everything! Sorry folks, lol. However, I will say "cue the cartoon sound effects".... Hummena Hummena Hummena, bells, whistles, wolf whistles... Oh Baby!!

   What I can, or will say, is by the end, I think I had an emotional meltdown, as well as a phsyical one! My head was reeling, I couldn't have made a coherent statement if my life depended on it, and my legs were complete jello. All because 2 things happened, that I haven't seen, or done, in so, So, SO long. First, sub space, hello! Only been there once in my life, well, now I can say twice. The first was such a long time ago though, before my last Master, and I was with Him for 7 years! The second thing, was more than a little embarrassing. I kinda don't want to say... Give me a few minutes to refill my water and debate on this...

   I thought on this, and as much as I don't want to say, it might help me get over it. I may have squirted Mistress in the face. Not just squirted, but soaked everything! Through the comforter, through the top and bottom sheets, and soaking the bed!! The first time, I thought I had peed a wee bit, as my boyfriend and I had some fun, when I was still just a teenager!! This, we are talking years of pent up, Woof!! I actually started crying!!! I tried to quickly stop it, you know, always the strong, hard ~beep~ girl, able to take on the world. Then Mistress laid next to me, and started talking softly, and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I couldn't even look Her in the eye, those beautiful eyes, with so much hiding behind them... ~Sighs~

   So there it is, in a nut shell. I am still feeling it today, I don't think my back and butt have come that high off the bed in, well, tooooo long! Torture, pain, and oh such sweet pleasure. I couldn't help but thank both Mistress and Master. Hmmm, a very old Friend always used to tell me, the only things I needed was "A tight collar and a short leash"! I hate to admit this, I think He was right! LOL

   I swear, at the rate I am going, my bottom is never going to be without bruises! I have this odd feeling that the paddle, and my butt, are going to become well acquainted!! Yesterday, the heat was making it near impossible for people to sleep, so Master and I were up just after 5 A.M., and decided to get some stuff done. Okay, not bad, right?? Wrong!! Heat, being overly tired, and getting frustrated by what I needed to remember= F word flying out of my mouth. No sooner did I say it, my eyes went wide, my hand slapped over my mouth, and I looked up to see Master with that look in His eyes!! Yup, number 20 for the curse words, since I've been with Master and Mistress.

   Personally, I thought cursing only 20 times since I've been with Them, was a new best, given these past 7 years with the ex-Master. Ever other word out of the ex-Master's mouth was the f-bomb, and it kinda rubs off on a girl!! At one point in time, I could have put even the rowdiest of drunks to shame, but a slave cursing here, big no-no!! I had been doing so good too, I was at 19 and holding for a few days. I was determined to not hit that 20 mark, however, I failed... Miserably! Since I've been with Them, it's been mostly... You know, those things beavers build! LoL So 20 had to be the big one!!

   Master, of course, wanted to deal with it right away. Me, I was trying my best to get it postponed, until after we rode into town and did what we needed to. Fail... Again! He saw it as being whiney, not good. Even worse, Mistress handed Master Her own paddle. Now I am not saying Master's paddle doesn't hurt, it does!! However, the sting of Mistress' paddle, stays with you for a long, long time. It was not fun for the first so many hours, sitting hurt, and not easing into a chair was a big ouch!

   Eventually I will get it right!! Maybe make a challenge for myself, see how long I can go without giving Them cause to use the paddles! Now if I could just keep Him away from that one nasty, ticklish spot! GRRRRrr....

When will I learn that Master expects different things, than Those of my past?! I thought I was being a good little slave, by trying to multitask. He was sending me downstairs, to fetch some ice water, and get an avocado for myself (found out my potassium is WAY low today), so I figured I would take the garbage down as well, and save a trip. Okay, I should have asked, instead of just doing something, even if I THOUGHT it was a good idea at the time. My problem is, as He was trying to correct said actions, my smart mouth struck again!! ~Rubs her bottom, still bruised from the mess up the other day~ Very tender now... Oops?? I have to remember that I no longer have free reign!!! Sorry Master!

Yesterday I got my butt paddled by Master! ~Pouts~ We were going through all the clothes I brought with me, when I moved in, and He was saying what could stay, and what would go. Well, I tried to rescue a couple of my favorite blouses... Let's just say, that didn't go over too well. The worst part, of course, was His disappointment in me. Yes, even compared to the whacks and time in the corner ~Grumbles something about hating corner time~. But I knew I messed up, and took it.

   On a good note, it's so, So, SO great to have a Real Master once more!!! LOL