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SubTrans4Female
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candlewood
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When messaging me, come up with something more creative than may I apply? Tell me what makes you so special that I should choose you.
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I was all like, "Whatever Bitches" ........... and suddenly ..... all the Bitches .... Whatevered. |
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A new study says that 44% of Women have Used Vibrators ......... the other 56% ... bought them New. |
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Fantasia Fair is a week-long transgender event held every October in the LGBT resort town of Provincetown, Massachusetts. Part conference, part social gathering, the Fair is a “full immersion” experience, meaning that attendees can and usually do spend an entire week 24/7 presenting their gender as they wish.
So whos going this year amongst you gurls |
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Russian scientists claim a beating on the buttocks with a strong cane is the perfect way to cure everything from depression to alcoholism by releasing the body's natural "happy chemicals" known as endorphins.
Endorphins are produced in the brain in response to high levels of stress and pain that lead to feelings of euphoria, reduction of appetite, the release of sex hormones and enhancement of the immune response. They have a similar effect on pain to drugs such as morphine and codeine, but do not lead to dependence.
The scientists, headed by biologist Sergei Speransky, claim corporal punishment not only rids people of addictions but also helps overcome depression and suicidal tendencies, the daily Izvestia reported.
The scientists said that when caned, a person's body will release masses of endorphins, making them happier. The caning, they found, counteracts a lack of enthusiasm for life which they claim is the cause of addictions, suicidal tendencies and psychosomatic disorders.
The scientists, who said they have had positive results with people testing their cane therapy, recommend a standard treatment course of 30 sessions with 60 of the best, delivered on the buttocks by a person of average build.
They highlighted how, in the 19th century, German doctors had achieved positive results on everything from depression to pneumonia by caning their patients.
Marina Chuhrova, who took part in preparing the report, said of the 10 patients she caned regularly to test the results: "At first they didn't like it, but when they started to feel the benefits they kept asking for more."
The Russian team is now charging for the sessions, getting $A140 for a standard treatment.
Research by other scientists has suggested endorphins can be obtained by less painful means. Foods such as chocolate or chilli peppers can also lead to enhanced secretion of endorphins. Exercise, acupuncture, massage therapy and sex can also stimulate endorphin secretion, but the Russian team say none of those methods is as effective as a good caning.
Dr Speransky, head of biological sciences at the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine, said you could eat chocolate, exercise then have a caning. "That way you can get a maximum dose of endorphins."
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Women's Rules For Blowjob
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head- I am bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked" it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after wards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
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LMAo................
Never Say These To A Man With A Small Penis:
1. Oh ............ Its so cute !
2. Please stop fingering me and come into me !
3. Oh ............ I am so sorry about your penis !
4. Who circumcised you !
5. Why don't we just cuddle !
6. You know ............ They have surgery to fix that !
7. It's more fun to look at !
8. Make it dance please ?
9. You know ............ there's a tower in Italy like that !
10. Can I paint a smiley face on that ?
11. Oh ............ But you have such big feet ............ And this is like this ?
12. My last lover was atleast 6 inches bigger !
13. It's OK ............ We'll work around it !
14. Oh Lord ............ there's an inch worm on your thigh !
15. Will it squeak ............ If I squeeze it ?
16. Oh no ............ I have a sudden headache !
17. Can I be honest with you ?
18. My 8-year-old brother has one like that !
19. Let me go and get my tweezers !
20. This explains your small car !
21. You must be a growing boy !
22. Maybe if we water it ............ It'll grow !
23. Are you one of those pygmies ?
24. Ever hear of Clearasil ?
25. I didn't know they came - this small !
26. Why is God punishing you ?
27. At least this won't take long !
28. Let's just stick with your hand !
29. Do you need a splint to prop that up !
30. How interesting !
31. I never saw one so small like this before !
32. What do you call this ?
33. But it still works right ?
34. It looks so unused !
35. Do you take steroids ?
36. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks the penis !
37. Maybe it looks better in natural light !
38. Let me know when you're done !
39. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt ?
40. Oh ............ It is hiding !.
41. Are you cold ?
42. Is that an optical illusion ?
43. What is that ?
44. Does this run in your family ?
45. It's a good thing you have so many other talents !
46. Does it come with an air pump ?
47. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality !
48. Look ............ It all fits in my mouth at once !
49. Can you get this pencil out of me now ?
50. Can we apply to the Guinness Book of records ? |
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Sheer desire of immortal lust
Trapped within my dirty mind
Creating my explicit sexual fantasy
Of more then one man at a time.
Lost in deep erotic thought
While hands caress my skin
My lingering imagination running wild
Courage of committing an indulging sin.
A craving of hands all over me
Moaning, wanting it to fill me up
My mouth, pussy, my ass
One brave move, or one big slut.
Impure, utter madness in my head
Needing to let this all go
Ravishing me from head to toe
Sucking, licking, ending with a blow.
Invading, my inner depth's
For my decision has come to this
I shall start this all, with one
Luscious, tongue lashing kiss. |
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A Master is not just a top to his soumise,
but her friend and her lover as well.
He is the captain of her ship,
steering her with a firm, but gentle hand,
rejoicing when her course runs true,
and correcting her when she blows off course.
He provides her with a safe port
in the face of the storm,
and restores and rights her lovingly
from the ravages of wind, rain and sea.
He cherishes her as the vessel of his soul.
With her crew, he is fair and honest,
and so earns their trust and respect.
For without HER trust and HER respect,
he would only be a top to his soumise. |
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PUSSY TYPES
1. Expensive Pussy
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.
2. Cheap Pussy
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shake it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
3. Hired Pussy
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern California and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
4. Virgin Pussy
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
5. Nympho Pussy
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
6. Frigid Pussy
Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.
7. Innocent Nympho Pussy
Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
8. Party Pussy
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
9. Nutty Pussy
Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
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Recipe: How To Make Love
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town. |
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You May Be a Submissive If...
If you hear the term "House Whip" on CNN and then get disappointed that they're talking about politics, you may be a submissive.
If a friend of yours tells you she can't get out of the house because she's all tied up....and you get jealous, you may be a submissive.
If stocks and bonds fascinate you, but you could care less what happens on Wall Street, you may be a submissive.
If you find yourself lying about your birthday just to get in an extra spanking or two during the course of a year, you may be a submissive.
If, deep in your mind, you think of tic-tac-toe as a game being played between the X's and The Story of O's, you may be a submissive.
If you hear a confused person say, "Beat me!" and you automatically yell out "Me next!," you may be a submissive.
If you think the best part of going to church is getting to kneel, you may be a submissive (The same holds true if you make up extra sins at confession so you can get a heavier penance).
If you actually wish your Mastercard would give you orders, you may be a submissive.
If you think that the three basic materials for bed sheets are linen, silk and leather, you may be a submissive (or at the least, kinky in general)
If you call your personal vibrator "Sir," you may be a submissive.
If you think your panties look best on you when pulled down around your knees, you may be a submissive.
If you see a road sign displaying, "Chains required" and wonder if that means, whips are optional, you may be a submissive.
If you read a headline about sub warfare, and picture two naked women cat-fighting over a cute Dom, you may well be a submissive.
If you dream of a beautiful leather jacket with a full face hood, you may be a submissive. |
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FIFA World Cup 2010 has proceeded exactly as World War II.
The French had given up early,
Italians, despite having power, backed out without contributing.
Americans, like always, over-rated themselves and the
British were left alone to fight with the Germans. |
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Pity us men.........
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else. |
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2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are “stuck” and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don’t want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15″ screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That’s it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your “coke” in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can’t keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won’t take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, “I have to let my dog out.”
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it’s proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you’d rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different. |
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Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.
Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?
HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man
How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".
For example:
Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?
Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??
Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.
Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!
Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?
Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would". |
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Male Training Seminars
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks"
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet"
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked"
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques for calling home |
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As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy man making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize why buy an entire pig just to get a sausage.
If you know any fun fabulous feisty women over 40, pass this on! |
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Confucius Says ...
“Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.”
“Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.”
“Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.”
“Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.”
“Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”
“Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.”
“Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.”
“He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.”
“Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
“Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”
“Man with no legs bums around.”
“Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.”
“A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”
“Find old man in dark, not hard!”
“Man who smoke pot choke on handle.”
“Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”
“Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.”
“Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.”
“Passionate kiss like spider’s web … soon lead to undoing of fly.”
“Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”
“Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.”
“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.”
“It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.”
“Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring.”
“A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts.”
“Honeymooning campers have one intent!”
“Man who sells Kotex, is crack salesman.”
“Man who lay girl on hill not on level.”
“Man with athletic finger make broad jump.”
“Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.”
“Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.”
“Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up.”
“Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth.”
“Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day.”
“Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam.”
“He who fish in other mans well often catches crabs.”
“Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.”
“Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.”
“Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots.”
“He who chase car will get exhausted.”
“Man who lose key to girl friends apartment, no get nukie.”
“Hooker with bike pedal ass all over town.”
“He who stand on toilet, high on pot.”
“Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”
“All men eat, but Fu Manchu.”
“Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.”
“Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.”
“Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.”
“Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.”
“He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.”
“He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver.”
“He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”
“He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.”
“He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.”
“He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.”
“He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.”
“He who stick head in oven get baked bean.”
“Hockey player on ice have big stick.”
“House without toilet, uncanny.”
“If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented.”
“If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.”
“Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!”
“Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag.”
“Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!”
“Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”
“Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.”
“Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father.”
“Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.”
“Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight.”
“Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!”
“Man who masturbate only screwing self.”
“Man who put cock on stove have hot rod.”
“Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!”
“Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.”
“Man who sit on tack get point!”
“Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night”
“Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things.”
“Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks.”
“Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.”
“Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.”
“Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.”
“Woman who wear G-string, high on crack! |
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Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villian Curly PI, and factored (oh horrors!).
Once upon a time (1/T) Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh!" she gasped..
"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."
"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent!"
"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never!" gasped Polly.
"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algoritmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's locii quivered. He integrated her by parts. He integrated her by fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of the sad story is this:
"If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom." |
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Bratty Slave Contract:
1. Master is always right, except when He isn't. When He isn't the slave has the obligation to bring to Master's attention His incorrect perceptions and false notions.
2. The slave has the right the hide any of Master's toys she does not like. Master then has the right to use the toy on the slave if He can find them.
3. The Master may be under the impression the slave has done something she should not have been doing. The slave may then point out that not only did she not do such a thing, but also is under strict obligation to tell Master who did it, and Master is to believe her.
4. The Master owns the slave totally and has all rights to her body and complete say over how she behaves. The slave has the right to respectfully and politely request things of her Master, over and over again if need be.
5. The slave is to please her Master with every deed and thought she has and is to bring to Master's attention that this does indeed please Him, even if He says it doesn't.
6. The slave has the right to sign this contract on Master's behalf, so as not to bother Him
7. The slave has the right to add to and amend any of these points, upon consultation with Master, even if He is not present for the consultation.
8. Master has the right to use the " Just because I want to" reason for His actions at any time The slave then has the right to try and talk Master out of it.
9. The Master is to remember that His slave is a sweet innocent angel at all times.
10. The slave has the right to remind Master that she is totally guileless and above reproach. Everything she does she is to do for Him and she can also remind Him of that fact. |
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20 Ways To Turn His X-Mas Into XXX-Mas
1. Trim his tree.
2. Lick his luscious candy cane.
3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.
4. Polish his christmas balls.
5. Ride him like a reindeer.
6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.
7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.
8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.
9. Spark his minorah with a hot strip tease.
10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!
11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.
12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingere.
13. Unwrap his package.
14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.
15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.
16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.
17. Heat him up with a snow job.
18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.
19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.
<strong>20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.</strong> |
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Figging
Figging is a type of BDSM play that does not seem to get much publicity. It is something that I heard dates back to ancient times. As a sexual practice it can be exciting and increase the pleasure for both Dom and sub.
This technique involves the ginger root for anal play. Ginger, in it's pure form, has a bit of a burn to it. As an anal toy, this is stimulating for many. It heightens the senses while walking the pain/pleasure line.
Here is how this play goes.
1. Tie the sub up on your favorite position so that the ass is accessible to you.
2. Insert the ginger root "finger" into the ass until it reaches the ring.
3. Watch the reaction you get as the "burn" increases (you might want to play with him or her while this is happening).
It is a simple technique that provides a great deal of pleasure. The trick in this is the preparation. Your success is determined by how well you do with this.
Here is how you prepare the ginger for figging.
1. Start with a full hand of ginger. Most stores sell ginger pre-cut into fingers. Only buy full hands of ginger-an oriental grocery store might be the best bet.
2. Cut the finger off down near the hand. Make sure the finger is at least 3.5-4 inches.
3. Remove the skin of the ginger and make the finger smooth with a potato peeler or knife.
4. Cut a ring about 3/4 of the way down for the anus to grip onto. (1/2 inch wide should be perfect.
5. Wash ginger in cold water to lubricate.
A few words of caution. The juices from the ginger will burn if it gets in contact with the eyes. After preparing the ginger root, wash your hands thoroughly to avoid touching your or the sub's eyes during play. Also, be sure to use a "finger" that is thick enough in diameter so as not to snap while in the ass. Finally, avoid any lubricants during this play since they will tend to seal the ginger. Use water and insert slowly until the anus accepts it.
Figging is an ancient practice is ideal for enjoyment and can be used as punishment. The "burn" will vary for each individual. Some reported it similar to the sensation of using a muscle cream. Others said it is like the feeling of eating a hot pepper. I found that those who enjoy pain really love this technique. Experiment with it and see what you find. |
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Simple Play (Punishment)
BDSM is a wide spectrum ranging from the soft to the extreme. How deep one ventures is entirely up to that person. For many new people, it is overwhelming. They read different articles and sites on the Internet only to learn that there are many layers to this lifestyle. What is one to do?
Spanking is a simple way to enhance your pleasure. It is also a mild entry into the BDSM world. Obviously, many experiment with this technique often not realizing that it is consider to be part of BDSM. I would guess the vast percentage of the population has spanked/been spanked during sex. Again, this is a mild form of BDSM yet something that many can expand upon.
For those couples who have determined the Dom/sub roles, spanking is a wonderful way to move a bit deeper into the lifestyle. Punishments are often necessary for one's training. A spanking is a terrific way to levy a punishment. The severity of the blows can be adjusted to reflect the magnitude of the misdeed.
Spanking also will allow a sub to experiment with her pain threshold. Many find that pain provides them pleasure. Helping a sub find her limits is one of the primary responsibilities of a Dom, especially when they are romantically involved with each other. Spanking offers the pain aspect without getting into the extreme segments of the lifestyle that include whips and canes.
Try this time tested technique. You will find that spanking offers the dual role of being an act of pleasure, and one of punishment |
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The Desire To Serve
Submission is something that is entirely personal to a sub/slave. The depth which one is willing to go varies greatly from person-to-person. There are many who want to live in 24/7; serving around the clock. Then there are those who only want this situation occasionally. This is one of the wonderful aspects of the BDSM world. It allows for great flexibility among those who are involved.
The desire to serve is something that comes from deep within one, in my opinion. Many cannot understand this aspect of a person. Obviously, this is not something that society promotes. Control and power are the qualities that it says are important. You are a success only to the degree that these are achieved. However, submission is a characteristic that is admirable. The selfless giving of oneself to another is to be cherished.
I speak often to many who are not in this lifestyle. In days past, I tried to explain the position that a sub/slave takes. I did my best to relate the experiences and feelings of those who I interacted with over the years. Yet, never was I able to convey it to these people. Simply, they did not get it. Nor would they ever. It is not something that the average person can comprehend. To them it is a foreign concept. "I would never submit to a man" or "My man needs to listen to me" are sentences I heard. These people wanted to retain the power and control.
Does this make them wrong? Not at all. These individuals did not have the overwhelming desire to serve another. My experience leads me to believe that only a small percentage of the population falls into this category. Perhaps it is a bit larger when you look at the many who lovingly serve their children. However, this is a great deal different than serving a Dom/Master. The ones who are able to submit to this degree seem small as compared to the general population.
Service is something that should be admired. We take it for granted as a quality. Sadly, those who perform that work in our culture are looked down upon. They are the ones on the lower rung of society. Choosing to live the life of a submissive is a terrific way to fulfill your inner desire. It is something that one need not be shameful about. And, it certainly is not a sign of weakness. Many make this mistake. There is nothing more powerful than one living his or her life in the way that it was meant to be. It takes courage to do the inner search to arrive at the conclusion that W/we all do. Most tend to follow the values and virtues of what society itself is promoting. To me, this is cowardice. Choose to live the life the way that your inner core tells you to. It is the path to happiness. Hopefully, BDSM is the way that provides your answer. |
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| Age: 31 |
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Alabama |
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