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Girl, is but a simple elf. Currently on vacation in California, but soon to be back at work.
Okay, okay, okay ..... i caused too much of a fuss, and i am banned until Christmas is over.  Now how was i supposed to know those candy canes were not for me.....
Oh how i miss those reindeer games, cum donner, cum blitzen. The sound of a sleighs whip whistling through the air, nothing says Christmas is here more. To be nestled all snug across Santa's lap, while wearing Rudolph's harness, just brings a moan to this girls lips.  Have a huge candy cane fetish, anyone got one for me. Please, oh pretty please.
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One of the Three Wise Men was really tall and he bumped his head on a cross beam in the barn and said, "Jesus Christ!" Joseph turned to Mary and whispered, "Quick! Write that down! It's better than Melvin!" |
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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. |
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Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even
with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to
go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a
sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It
wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots
back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, 'These
aren't my boots.'
She
bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why
didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'
Now
she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' .......
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
.....She will be eligible for parole in three years. |
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Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became
successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the gifts that they were able to give t o their elderly mother, who lived
far away in another city.
The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'.
The second said, I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house.
The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a
chauffeur.'
The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah
and you know she can't anymore b ecause she can't see very well. I met this
Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took
twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000
a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to
name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other
brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
Milton -- Bubelle,the house you built is so huge, I live in only one
room,but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my
groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is
a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Menachim - Tataleh,you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead.I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same.
Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
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Ho Ho Holy Shit! the fat man moaned, gingerly cupping his swollen and
tender testicles through the plush red cloth. Santa's got one hell of a
case of blue balls!
That'll happen at the North Pole, Boss, said Leonardo, barely pausing in
his duties as Head Helper. It's too damn cold up here to pee outdoors.
Santa slapped the elf upside the head. I didn't, you little moron.
Santa hasn't had any in almost two hundred years, and I'm getting to where
the crack of dawn gets me excited.
What about Mrs. Claus? asked the bewildered elf. She hasn't put out in
two hundred years?
Santa grimaced at the very thought of his wife. The last time she was
in the mood was during the Jefferson administration. You know those North
Pole women...
Yeah, agreed the elf sadly. Frigid.
Besides, Santa continued, she's off on another one of her liberal
causes, anyway. 'Save The Snow' or some damn thing.
Another wave of nausea gripped the formerly jolly old man and he held his
breath until it passed. Well, I gotta do something real soon. It's
almost Christmas Eve. I don't have time for this shit now.
Well, Leonardo began hesitantly. You could always...you know... he
said, making a jerking motion with his fist and grinning with a blush.
What are you talking about? demanded the short-tempered saint.
You know, run off a batch by hand.
Santa stroked his beard. I don't quite follow you.
How can I put this in terms you'll understand? Leonardo said. Polish
the old ornament?
No, still don't get it.
Rub the reindeer?
Santa shook his head.
Tug the tinsel? Churn the egg nog? Yank the Yule log?
Santa looked at the elf uncomprehendingly.
Beat your fuckin' meat, man! the elf exploded. I'm talkin' about
jerkin' off!
Oh, Christ, Santa laughed. I haven't done that since junior high.
Yeah, right, the elf muttered under his breath. And I don't wear curly
little green shoes.
Well, Santa said finally, that's one solution, I guess, but I'd really
rather have something more satisfying. It's been centuries, you know.
The fat man leaned back resignedly in his swivel chair and sighed deeply.
Why exactly don't we have any female elves in the workshop?
How the hell do I know? Leonardo shrugged. I don't claim to have all
the answers. I'm not Newt Gingrich.
But how do you get little elves?
We're all little elves.
No, I mean young elves.
Never seen one, myself, Leonardo said. As far as I know we just appear
by magic, fully grown, if you can call it that.
Santa eyed the elf appraisingly. You are kinda cute little guys though,
aren't you?
What are you getting at, Santa? the elf asked suspiciously.
How old are you anyway, Leonardo?
Four hundred and twelve next June, the elf replied.
Santa nudged the elf in the ribs with an elbow. So you've been around,
you're an elf of the world. You have needs. What do you guys do, you know,
when the pressure builds up?
Leonardo looked away, saying, I don't know what you mean.
C'mon, Santa pressed. I've heard the giggling coming from the
dormitory at night. I know something's going on in there.
We're elves, Leonardo declared sharply. You're thinking of fairies.
Look, Leonardo, Santa said sternly, there's a lot of elves in this
workshop who'd give their left nut to be my Head Helper. If you don't
want the job...
This is sexual harassment! the elf complained.
So sue me, Santa said. Now give!
Well, the elf began uncertainly, the pointed tips of his ears turning
crimson, there are some elves...You know I'm betraying a centuries-old
secret here?
Spill it, Shorty! the fat man demanded.
OK, so elves go both ways! Are you happy now?
I knew it! the old man cried. I knew you were horny little fuckers!
You know, for a guy called Father Christmas you're kind of an asshole.
Santa grinned at Leonardo in triumph. And you're pretty cute for a guy
named after a Ninja Turtle. The fat man patted his knee. Why don't you
hop up here and tell Santa what you want for Christmas?
The elf hung back. I think hopping up there is what YOU want for
Christmas.
Santa held out his arms, beckoning him closer. C'mon, Leonardo. Don't be
shy. I won't bite...unless you want me to.
Slowly, his face reddening, the elf inched closer to the once-again-jolly
Mr. Claus. As soon as he was within reach Santa lifted him bodily and
sat him squarely on his lap. The elf squirmed on something prodding him.
Is that the North Pole in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Ho Ho Ho! Santa laughed in genuine merriment. Boy, Leonardo, am I glad
to see you!
You know, Santa, Leonardo interjected, there are other elves you'd
like much more than me. Like Ernie, for instance. He's a flaming queen
who'll ride you all night long if you give him the chance.
Who, Keebler? Santa scoffed. Nah, I sent that little swish down to
the oak tree on cookie duty. Give me a manly elf if I'm going to have
one.
Well, there you go! the elf said. You wouldn't like me, then. I'm
not very manly at all. Not a hair anywhere except a little tuft right
around the ol' candy cane. By the gleam that suddenly came into Santa's
eye Leonardo knew he had used exactly the wrong argument. After all those
years of kids sitting on his lap, the elf knew Santa wouldn't miss the
opportunity to play out this fantasy. Resigning himself to his fate, he
looked plaintively into Santa's eyes and said softly, Just take it easy
on me, OK? I'm used to elf cock, not elephant cock!
Minutes later the crimson pants were around Santa's ankles and a naked,
shivering elf was lowering himself slowly onto the relatively massive
tool. As he cried out in pain he heard a chorus of carolers somewhere in
the distance...
Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better put out,
I'm tellin' you why.
Santa Claus is comin'...in brown.
He's makin' you strip,
Fucking you twice,
'Cause he found out
Your ass is so nice.
Santa Claus is comin'...in brown.
He knows that you've been Greekin'
The other elves at night.
He knows that bein' bad is good
If you only do it right.
So, you better be nice
To good old Saint Nick
And let him give you
Eight inches of dick.
Santa Claus is comin'...
He's glad to be bummin'...
Santa Claus is comin'...in brown.
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tis the season again!
Life
is all about
BUTTS
you're
either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of
it,
or behaving like one
......
That's
right, you've been " elfed " . Pass this on to as many
people as possible, but you can't send it back to the person
who sent it to you. He who elfs last, elfs loudest!!!!
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When
he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven
knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys
were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of
apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In
his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He
went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off
the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated
Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very
cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a
beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little ang el on top of the Christmas tree.
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A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've
busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm
IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.
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>> A man in Jacksonville calls his son
in San Diego the day before
>
>> Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you
>
>> that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is
>
>> enough.
>
>>
>
>> 'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son
screams. We can't stand the
>
>> sight of each other any longer,' the father
says. 'We're sick of each
>
>> other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in
>
>> Denver and tell her.'
>
>>
>
>> Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes
on the phone. 'Like heck
>
>> they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll
take care of this,'
>
>>
>
>> She calls Jacksonville immediately,
and screams at her father, 'You are
>
>> NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm
>
>> calling my brother back, and we'll both be
there tomorrow. Until then,
>
>> don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs
up.
>
>>
>
>> The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his
wife. 'Okay,' he says,
>
>> 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying
their own way.'
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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the domain,
Not a subbie was stirring, (they were tied down with chain)
The shackles were hung by the chimney with care,
And the St. Andrews cross stood empty and bare.
The subbies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of floggers danced in their heads;
The Dom in his leather, and I in my slave cap,
Had just settled down after getting our whacks.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I crept from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew very quickly.
Tripped over some handcuffs and cursed soft and thickly.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my sleep-crusted eyes should unfurl,
But a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight pony girls,
With a Dominant driver, so forbidding and stern,
I knew in a moment I'd a great deal to learn.
More rapid than eagles his pony girls came,
And he whipped them, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, dashslave! now, danceslave! now, pranceslave and switch!
On, subbie! on slavegirl! on, slavepet and bitch!
To the top of the porch! to the training room wall!
And I'll redden your bottoms, should one of you fall!
As terrified tears before the cat-o-nine flow,
When they meet with an obstacle, gather courage and go,
So up to the house-top the pony girls flew,
With the sleigh full of sex toys, and the Dominant too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of pony girl boots.
As I drew in my head with a sense of forbode,
In through the front door the Dominant strode.
He was dressed all in black, from his head to his feet,
And his clothes were all studded, leathered and neat.
A bundle of sex toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked very menacing opening his pack.
His eyes, they were hard with a definite glower
His countenance cold, and I quite felt his power.
His sternly set mouth bespoke no reprieve,
For the unlucky subbie who caused him to grieve.
The goatee he sported lent a devilish air
As did the slight spatter of gray in his hair.
He had strong pectorals and a muscular torso.
That hardened and flexed and gave force to each blow.
He was lean, stern and fit, quite the Dom of my dreams,
And I wanted to serve him, so went down on my knees.
He looked down upon me, with a turn of his head,
He made my soul tremble while my heart filled with dread;
He spoke not a word, but put me to straight to work,
He watched me in silence, idly tapping his quirt.
"Heel me," he commanded, the lone words he would say,
And he stalked out the door as I rushed to obey.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team cracked the whip,
Pulled me 'cross his knee, where i hung scared and limp.
And he whispered to me, "I shall teach you a lesson.
Happy Christmas, new slave; tonight we shall session."
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| Age: 24 |
| Jacksonville,
Florida |
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