I think it's cute when people send me the "you're fake" messages. Totally. I'm a figment of your imagination, the dark secret in the back of your mind. I'm as real as that hair color you flaunt, sweetie, only I don't originate in a bottle, cause I'm not Christina Aguliera.

Not sure what choice I have but to mock said individuals. Free entertainment is awesome.

I've had a lot of people ask about my dog. His name is Tanner and he is my baby! I love him to pieces and will never get rid of him. If you are not an animal lover, or could never love my animal, don't even bother to write to me. Tanner and I are a package deal. I uploaded some recent photos of me with my favorite animal pal, so people can see how big he is now... he's my guy.

He's always there to cuddle me when the day is rough. He never disrespects or insults me. Best of all, he loves me even when I make mistakes. A billion times more loyal than any man, and a heck of a lot cuter too! Hahahaha

Edit: Collarme filter wont let me call my dog a Ca nine. Hilarious

Christmas went smoothly. I went to friends' house and relaxed. I baked almost a thousand cookies over the last few weeks, so being waited on by someone else was lovely. I received 10 pounds of beeswax as a present, along with other tools to make my own candles. I can't wait! Beeswax produces the cleanest burn of any wax candle... like an air purifier that costs only dollars to make. My friends know me so well!

There's only a few days left in 2012. I know most people do New Year's Resolutions, but I'm not a fan. The only thing I want for 2013 is to find someone I can invest in life with. I have everything I need except one to serve. Maybe this year is MY year. One can only hope.

I went with my girlfriend, C, to enjoy some Oktoberfest drinking this weekend. Drinking is never as fun since I'm actually allowed to drink. I've always been an "in moderation" type of gal. This weekend was not about moderation, but lots of overindulgence. There were lots of single men around, but ladies... never pick up a man at a drinking event. No one needs a "Coyote Ugly" moment in the morning.

There were three bright spots in the blurry, blurry world:

1) I didn't have to drive.

2) I never prayed to the porcelain gods.

3) I didn't say "I'll never drink again!"

How was your weekend?

Growing up brings about a lot of changes in the way a person thinks and behaves. I am just now realizing how many things are different for me.

Different thought #1: Men arent supposed to hit girls.

I grew up during a time when men were told in order to be masculine, they had to reject their masculinity. They couldn't physically harm a woman, even if said woman tries to bash your brains out. As a child, I fully agreed with this ideal. Sure, women are fragile... men can really hurt them! Then I aged a bit.

Women are bitches. I know this because for all my effort, I am one too. Women will push and antagonize with words... they will hit and scratch and cling til you want to throw them out a high window. Bitches never give up when they are outmatched; bitches only give up when they are tired or too nervous to continue.

Im not advocating violence, gentleman. I don't think it's ok to punch, kick or otherwise maim a woman. ON THE OTHER HAND, when said female is screaming at you in public, hitting you with her purse, and otherwise causing a huge disruption... smack the shit out of that bitch. It doesn't have to be right then, best not to react in front of witnesses. At some point, you will be alone and able to put that pimp hand to work!

If a gal thinks she can hit you once, she'll feel she can always hit you with no repercussions. If she is big enough to step up to a man, she's big enough to be smacked down like a man.

/rant

So I've been MIA a few weeks... taking time to myself. Sometimes the search wears on a girl and then it's time for some R&R. I think I've realized my frustration. I don't want to meet a "Dom" or "Master". I'd like to meet a man... just an ordinary, average, normal man. That's the hook. If I can't love you as a man, how will I ever learn to love the Master?

I want to meet a handsome man who has my values. I want to date, be courted, romanced. I do not want to immediately be devalued, dehumanized, and turned into a personal assistant. That will all come in time. I love love. I want my piece of the pie. I want it all. I know, I know... what a selfish bitch.

I want to be obsessed. I want to be so in love and head-over-heels that controlling me is just an awesome side effect of our union. Control me because there is just no other possibility. Devour me with passion and love, and I will be forever found. Forget being lost. I am lost now. Wandering down this dark road all alone, constantly searching, feeling wounded each time someone parts my path.

I am waiting for you. I am here for you. I love you. Even if you don't know me, even if I've never laid eyes on you... I'm yours. I made a promise to you over a year ago, a promise to refrain from meaningless infatuations, to abstain from useless distractions. I promised that my body was yours even if you have yet to claim it. I've thought of you every day... thoughts that guide my actions as surely as your own orders would. I hope you will be happy. I hope you will be proud. Most of all, I hope you love me like I already love you.

For all those asking: my houseguest has returned home. I am once again the sole occupant of Casa Bliss.

Dear Houseguest,

Were you raised in a barn? If I find one more mess that I didn't create, I'm gonna scream. I am trying to be kind by letting you stay here. I have been biting my tongue and silently caring for you for almost a week now. You have eaten my food, watched my tv, and used my utilities to wash and dry your clothes. You have no problem letting me wait on you hand and foot, but I have yet to hear a single "thank you". I feel taken advantage of.

Yes, I am service oriented. Yes, I will clean up after you day after day without drawing attention to it. Yes, you are practice for when I find a real man to care for. However... You are not my husband, boyfriend, dom, Master... you are my friend. I am doing you a favor by letting you stay here. I am not obligated to do a single f-ing thing for you. Out of my concern and love for you, I opened my home without a word.

You know me pretty well by now. You know I am extremely neat. I never have dishes or laundry overflowing. My floors are always clean, and no one has to move junk when they wish to sit down. The piles of dishes and articles of clothing are NOT appreciated. The trash and empty cigarette packs do not belong on the table or the floor. I provide trash receptacles... one not too far from said table. Use it!

One last thing: Thanks for using my bar of soap. I totally appreciate the design of your body hair in my soap. No matter, though. I just took the brand new bar of soap that I offered you, stuck it in a plastic baggie, and hid it. Now when I want to shower, I can do so without knowing how much you shed.

Sincerely, your loving friend

My coffee date was a bust. It's amazing how well two people can connect through the interwebs, but not in person. I spent a lot of time trying to hold up a conversation in between caustic remarks. I understand dominance, but I do not understand the need to tear down anything I have to say. I do not understand a person who wants to look at everyone else BUT me when WE are out on a date. Yes, it was just coffee, but damn... am I not enough scenery? What happened to looking at the person you are addressing? It irritates me to no end that I wasted my afternoon on someone who so obviously didn't actually care about me. I could have gone out for drinks with another man, and at least I'd have a buzz if he was a jerk, too. My bad for making the wrong choice.

Sometimes I want to move out of this area. The people  are too jaded and concerned with image. There is no substance, no soul. They've all sold theirs for the possibility of fame, drugs, or the elusive lay. I feel like people around here get suspended into a vacuum. I want forward momentum. I want to grow up and date real men with more than just ideas. Action, people.. I want action. Not sex action (that's easy), but a real life plan. Drive and determination to pull it off won't hurt either.

I went for a walk this morning through the neighborhood. I love it so early in the morning. There are no people around so I can explore to my hearts content. I'm not a crowd person so anywhere that I can stroll without being hemmed in is nice. Taking a walk is the easiest way to clear my head. I just have to keep reminding myself that a good relationship takes time. I have plenty of time. I am in no rush. I am smart, attractive, and I do not need to chase anyone. Repeat that til you believe it. Fake it til you make it, right?

So I was invited for coffee this afternoon. I'm nervous, but excited. It's just a cup of coffee, but I feel like it might be the first step into a whole new life. I think I'm overwhelming myself thinking about all the possibilities. Will he like me? What if I say something stupid? What if I'm too brash and loud and sassy to be the good, demure girl he expects? What if it all goes perfectly? What then?

To the asshole who is trying to blackmail me:

Fuck you and your little helpers too.

There are many things I can look past. Age: just a number. Weight: Can be gained or lost. Religion: Personal. Politics: La la la ...

The only thing I can't tolerate is communication with no attempt to use proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I understand if English (the subject, not the language) isn't your strong suit, but some effort is appreciated. My biggest pet peeve is the misuse of "dominate" vs. "dominant". If you can't use these words properly, keep moving.

Dominate is what you do; Dominant is who you are.

I don't need you:

-to psychoanalyze me. I didn't ask for a therapist.

-to be my parent. I didn't have them growing up, and I don't need one now.

-to manage my money. I went to college to learn to do that for you.

-to save me. I did that already, no white horse or armor necessary.

-to tell me how pretty I am. I own a mirror.

-to tell me my darkest fantasies. Shut up for a minute and I might tell you myself.