DemandednPlaced

It's one of those days that the sun seems brighter. The air seems clearer and my heart seems stronger. There are so many things we cannot control, but there are many more things that we can. I want to be happy and see each day like this. 

We had a 'mini-session' last night and even then it wasn't planned, I didn't dress up and I never heard my favorite words from his lips. But his demanding hands grabbed my rib cage and dug underneath. Instantly my back arched and I yelled. His breath told me to take a deep one. I felt alive and connected. He chose various other parts like my neck, inside of my thighs, breast and the mound above my pussy. Tiny pinches, fierce grabs and fucking phenomenal releases. Every release made my body get weaker and weaker. It was like a sick type of meditation. I was in love with it. I didn't need an orgasm, praise or romanticism at it's stereotype. That was intimate and he picked my very favorite spot like he used to months ago. I mean months ago. 

I slept for 12 hours and I feel completely satisfied and rejuvenated. Now, that fantasy is over, reality steps in and it's time to get my ass in gear with moving up. 

I haven't had any provoking thoughts yet that are BDSM related, but maybe on my 2 hours of driving I will think of something today. I love Wednesdays! :)

Anger flows through my veins in the opposite direction causing a burn throughout my body. The pain of your rejection angers me, and makes me desperate for you all over again. My logic is hindered and dissipates as reality festers before my eyes. My heart sinks to a different position that causes more discomfort. It's a pain that I have never craved or loved to endure. 

Warm whiskey wets my lips and I drink to imagine a paradise. This paradise includes you which in turn upsets me because I should be getting over you. I force thoughts of other men, but nothing appears. Just you and all my feelings towards you. This paradise fades so I take more swigs of my class. I don't want to forget, but to sleep to rejuvenate my mind and heart for another 12 hours that I need to function for. Only God and alcohol can make a day pass like it didn't matter. 

I heard your breaths last night. You were inches from me. My teeth clenched causing my nose to crinkle as I took in your scent. My eyes had to close as I hallucinated you being all over me like you once were. I began to mourn again which led to the numbing sensation throughout my limbs. 

My understanding is fogged and my neediness is heightened. I am not vulnerable anymore. I am once again, closed in to begin materials for another wall. 

You have become everything I ran from. 

It's a mourning type day. I finally have accepted that we are separate pages and it will never work. 

What is it with wanting to beg? Why can't we just let people go when they want to go? 

Oh well. Get to break fake ass rules today! 

All I could think of today was being treated as a pet. Is there a difference between a pet and a pet in puppy play? I'm sure there is. I kept imagining taking care of feet, being at One's feet and whistled at like a dog, and sleeping on the floor or in a cage. It's so exciting to me and oddly, it feels okay to want it. I've don'e the crawling thing, sleeping on the floor and it all felt natural. I don't know if that has to do with submissive traits, animal instincts or fucked up-ness from my childhood, but it feels great to me. 

I've given myself some higher expectations lately and I even had a discipline plan. It's been working out very well. All these life skills that I was never taught growing up is so foreign to me. It's crazy thinking of something so basic like ironing was never taught to me. I'm barely learning how to iron. It looked like a simple concept, but once that iron is in my hand I become a clutz with a safety-ridden pistol. I'm a clutz anyway so that doesn't help me out. 

Pain has been on my mind as well. I've been thinking about how people take pain. I see so many photos of bruised body parts, bloody whippings and smiles. Considering I'm not under the label of 'pain slut' I don't quite understand the craving for it or the strength to handle it. Needless to say, a good cropping is plenty punishment for me. I get this little ball of burning anger in my chest if I get hit with anything and it causes pain. I have learned to manage it by speaking my feelings when these things have happened and then there was a technique found that put me at ease. My discipline includes a crop, but I suppose knowing what it's for and understanding and accepting that I earned it makes me feel better. There it goes again! Having control. Well, maybe it is. I don't take any less of a lashing. I freak out without communication so another discipline action is to ignore me. How easy! 

Curiosity gets the better of me when he comes to wanting to be on the floor. Like I said before, it feels natural. I feel safe and accepted when I lay on the floor or just sit and watch my surroundings. But am I willing to give up my normal, daily human routines? Nope. Okay, I understand the different levels. I think it's odd how I'll chase a ball around, go pee outside, but I feel humiliated when I'm asked to bark like a dog. How conditional that is! Haha. I probably don't have enough time in the day to think of what caused this desire so I will just accept it for now. 

Okay, another thought before I go. I know in my mind and soul that I do NOT have a foot fetish, but I crave to be near his feet. Either to massage them, lick them, put them between my legs, lay at them, simply kiss them or groom them. What then does that all mean? He enjoys it, but doesn't demand it from me. It's something that I do on my own if there's time. Oh and boots. I'm loving the idea of being on all fours and having to lick boots clean, and have my hands and feet stepped on. I try to find an area of interest in this life style to basically put a label on what those feelings are. Even if there isn't one, I'm still gonna do it! :) 

Random, bunched up thoughts for sure. 

So the submissive has the control right? She has the safe word, she has the choice to continue or not. When does the Dominant step in? Is He simply there to provide these pleasures as long as she provides His?

I said yesterday that I feel submission is a choice. That's the only way it makes sense to me. I have a few pet-peeves and one of them is over-conducting a scene. I understand you need communication, direction and clarity, but sometimes it's just BLAH when the submissive has the power to control the "go" button. I DO agree with safe words and I DO agree that Dominants should take in consideration of their sub, but what gets me is having to go into detail about a certain scenario. NOT generalization because that just goes into getting to know each other. That's a learning step. Here's an example:

My point: "Tonight I want to wear my collar, the black one, leash, wrist and ankle restraints and I want you to use that purple rope when you tie me up. I want my wrists to be tied to my thighs and my ankles tied together. I also want my collar to be tied to the part where my wrists and thighs are tied together; like a ball. And then...!"

Ideal point: "Yes, I love restraints and I want you to test my limits, but be able to bring me back. I want you to do what you feel is appropriate and necessary for tonight."

See what I did there? Having to be descriptive reminds me of 'topping from the bottom'. Is that being submissive? Is that fulfilling each others' roles? Maybe it is! It doesn't seem that way to me. 

Every girl wants to just be taken by a man and shown who's boss. If that's with a leash or just against a wall. Whatever ya'll are into. But this is more delicate of course because some persons are into heavier scenes. It makes sense. 

Then the dynamic between Dominant and submissive confuse me. Does the Dominant earn the submissive? Or does the submissive work for the Dominant? If she please him then he pleases her? Obviously this all depends on opinion, wants and desires. I understand that part. I view BDSM relationships like vanilla ones, but 10 times more in every department. On a side note, I really love the 1950's life style. The way it should be, I believe. I feel like we (should) earn each other. We are still human beings and possess everything natural before and after these relationships. I guess this opinion forms when I see people randomly meeting  up with others to play when they've just chatted for a weekend. Again, I'm pretty open-minded so my next thought is trust. I know you have to experiment to know what you want in anything. I just think if this type of life style is 10 times more serious, expecting, demanding, rewarding, tiring, frustrating, amazing..then why does the getting to know each other part the shortest? 

Maybe because I struggle with my role I don't get this right away. I suppose if you are sure in yourself about such role then you know exactly how to act. Shit..I think I just had an epiphany! 

Well, there goes that rant because it just made sense to me. How useful writing your feelings is! 

Till next time :) 

I am a bit frustrated with what I am wanting. Now, I think that is an essential plan to have to be successful in any part of life. 

My BDSM 'life' has pretty much sizzled out and I'm grasping at wet noodles to bring it back up. I don't think there are tons of issues preventing it, but I feel they are very important issues. 

I have struggled with defining my 'role' in this life style due to me feeling that it's important to know. How else can you defend your feelings, actions and desires? I've simply selected Switch because of my daily actions and my natural thought processes. 

My actions of taking control make it seem I'm not submissive. My actions of eagerly wanting to be at One's feet doesn't make me seem Dominant. I am a clean, cut split between the two definitions, but it feels like such a controversy. 

I believe my past (in it's entire) has given me opportunities to produce controlling traits. Makes sense right? It's annoying to me because my jealousy streak heats up when I see submissive people letting go with ease and confidence. So, apparently I have a trust issue. Again, make sense being linked to a controlling issue. But what does that say about Dominants? I believe there's a difference in there too, but I'll let that go for now. Speaking along with letting go, it's not easy for me. I am a natural analyzer and expressionist. I usually lack a filter from brain to mouth. Thanks to my upbringing, I was never taught to think before speaking. A skill I am teaching myself currently. I really do believe sometimes I just need to shut the hell up, but rarely does that kick in BEFORE I say something, more often than not, unnecessary. My thoughts then conclude to, "Well, maybe it's the way I say things." Hell, no. I simply need to stay quiet majority of situations that I tend to ruin. See, I've learned this, but putting it into action is the difficult step. Long story, now cut short, is that type of trait is not viewed as submissive. 

My thoughts of submission is it being a choice. I can whole-heartily say that I do not submit to everyone. But can't a lot of submissive people say that? Considering submission is a choice? I am strong individual and I hold pride in that. It seems like adding the 'submissive' label stirs up a lot of talk. There are so many levels to this life style and I just want to enjoy it and explore. Then why can't I? Simply because it's broad. 

Anyway, my point is that I struggle a lot with residing with a label. I have come to realize a good amount of Dominants will deem you 'not-submissive' if you upset them, disagree with them, or become unfit. This all leads to the famous question for me 'What is the difference between a slave and a submissive?' Of course, it's based on opinion so I'll keep it as a rhetorical question. Security within myself will help this issue as well. I strongly dislike being indecisive, but I strongly believe in being happy. Which will weigh out? I'll discover that with more experience.