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degradednirvana

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All those things in my BDSM Interests list that i dislike or hate? Those are the things i need.

This is about violation for me, and im straight enough that sexual contact from a man is deeply unwanted and violating. Basically, to satisfy my deep need for violation, i invite physical and emotional violation from men. Its a terrible thing to need, being used and the emotional consequences from it are very real for me, and its often easy to find excuses.

To avoid that - to commit myself - ive set an overreaching objective and three more or less objective criteria, with the promise that any Man who wants that objective and meets those criteria, can have me.

The objective is, real and substantial violation. That requires a Man who knows that it will be violation and emotional damage, who desires that and wants it when he sees it happening to me.

Someone who can have compassion for me and what this is to me would be nice, but ive dropped that from my list.

The criteria are

No physical damage that wont easily heal, and controlling the risk of STDs, probably though testing and sharing results. This is because i have others who depend on me, and partners with whom i have sex, and i wont put that at risk for my need.

No serious pain. Thats simply because i dont get anything of what i need from pain. Pain isnt violating to me, i simply endure it, and enduring it gets in the way of fully experiencing those things that are violating. i expect to be slapped around, manhandled, spanked - things that reinforce what i am to the Man using.

No scat. This is from a deep past trauma - that emotional damage is already done. ive told Men in the past, things like if im made to rim you, youll have to be clean. Ass to mouth might be degradingly polluted with mucous and cum, but ill have to be cleaned out so theres no scat. Licking your piss spattered toilet clean, itll have to have been scrubbed spotlessly clean of scat.

It is humiliating, emasculating. Men dont let this happen to them.

It turns out that this is very hard to find. Most men shy away from pushing me to this place of ecstatic degradation. Maybe you wont.

i have only a little experience with this, enough to know what it is and how i respond to it - there are many virginities to be taken from me, and the knowledge that ill regret losing all of them.

im not young or little, im afraid - which doesnt mean i dont have innocence to spoil. Im in my late 50s, in the near East Bay. About 6, graying hair, blue eyes, goatee (which i expect most Men would order me to lose, and thats its own degradation) , smooth skinned, overweight at 250 but reasonably fit - and ive been told that i have great boobs - which... well... hurts.

What im looking for, ideally, is an occasional ongoing meeting with a man or a couple, for... this. Maybe once a month or so, or - what youll require. If youre interested, Im happy to answer questions, talk about safer sex and limits, and share pictures as well.

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3/28/2012 2:50:43 PM

We chatted off and on for a month or more, played on cam. He had the presence and power, even on phone and cam, to push me to that surrendered helpless place where he could make me do things that make me cry and beg him to stop.

I'm realizing that is what i crave. It's ego-annihilating. It feels emotionally damaging - it is damaging. Our ego wraps around us, protects us, knows who we are and what we want and forces us to defend that. It makes us be who we are, and no one else. When a man desires me, and lets me know that he's going to take me and there's nothing i can do to stop him, knows how degrading it is for me, and gets off on watching me crumble into tears and the feeling that something is being taken from me that i will never recover from... the ego dissolves. I become craven and defenseless. What's left under the ego is a need to be desires, a helplessness in the face of desire, and a fear and hatred of what it means to be desired.

He came to my place. Ordered me to dress for him - white thigh stockings and garter, pink lace panties, simple white slip. The simple white innocent things that make me feel vulnerable and insecure. Ordered me to have the house spotless for him, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom. Ordered me to have beer, craft beer in bottles for him, an empty wine glass - but no wine - for me.

Told me he knew what a filthy little gurl i am, and that he was going to prove it to me.

He stepped in and locked the door. I felt my heart and my stomach drop, the part of me that wanted to tell him to fuck off get out no one does this to me, fighting with the part that knows 'm too worthless and damaged to have a choice. i said Hello Sir. He said, 'Filthy slut. Dressed all white and clean. Those wont be clean any more when i'm done.' And then he spit in my face and shoved me to my knees.

Highlights - just highlights. 

He exposed my tits. I'm ashamed that i have tits. He called them 'chubby soft whore tits' and told me only sluts have tits and they mean i have no choice but to be his slut. He spit on them, and made me rub it in. 

Me made me undress him, and while i did, told me he had showered that morning, but then had a hard workout because he wanted me to know what hard working fresh man sweat smells and tastes like. He took my mouth, drank a beer, made me worship him while he drank it and let it sometimes dribble from his mouth on to me, wetting my lingerie, and the dining room floor under us. Made me sometimes let him go, and look up at him with my mouth open, and dribbled beer from his mouth into mine, and sometimes.. oh god... spit into my mouth and made me swallow it. told me that filthy whores have filthy mouths,and deserve whatever a man does to it.

I could taste his precum. No man has ever cum in my mouthy, no man;s cum but my own has been in my mouth i'm terrified of it, know that its going to damage something in me when it happens. i started crying and begging 'no, no' around his cock. He pulled my mouth off him, spit in my face gain, and told me 'you don't deserve it yet, filthy whore. You have to earn it.

He took me into my bedroom - my room, oh god - laid me on my back and then knelt over my face.. told me that filthy slut gurls get to worship a real mans asshole.. made me beg for it. He slapped me when i hesitated, then simply sat down and.. god help me i opened my mouth. It was clean, but sweaty and strong. He sat there for.. a long time...a nd made me worship it. And - oh god - he made me reach in to my panties and show him how hard i was, and start jerking. Told me he knew it was easier for me if I desired it, and he didn't want that.

He played with my tits, told me they were the only thing about me worth desiring, spit on them, rubbed them, pulled them. He was right, I could feel my desire, feel myself letting it feel good, jerking myself.. and then i came. Suddenly, the desire was gone, i had my tongue in his ass - inside, oh god - felt his hands on my tits. My cum in my panties, and i started crying hard, and crashed hard into that place of worthlessness and degradation. Something damaging, and something bright and illuminating in that space. The ego-dmaged gurl inside me craving the being desired.

It gets hazy then. I know that sometime later he pulled me to the bathroom, told me he had to pee, pushed my face to the toilet bowl, pissed into the bowl, on my face, on me.. got my lingerie wet and filthy. Made me lick the spatter of the bowl and the floor, told me that its a good thing i have my tits because otherwise no one would ever want a filthy whore like i am.

He fucked me - my mouth, my ass, my mouth.... He took a break, filled the wine glass with his pee and some of my scooped-up cum, made me kneel at his feet and drink my 'wine' while he had another beer. Peed on me more.. a lot... made me filthy, coated... made me suck him while he was peeing, swallow it. I was crying, nearly continually, surrendered and helpless. 

Finally he told me he was going to cum, made me kneel with my mouth open, started jerking himself... i was terrified, oh god no not in my mouth that's irrevocable... and he came on my tits.. 

Relief.. and terror that maybe he really doesn't desire me. If he doesn't want me enough to pollute my mouth.

He came hard, a lot.. it ran down my slip inside it, i felt it running over my clit-cock, drip off it. Felt and saw the streaks in my piss-soaked slip.

Then he stepped back, ordered me to stay there, and he started getting dressed. just like that. Told me that he knew i needed to be desired.. that his cum on me should let me know i was. Because i'm a nasty filthy slut with chub tits and its the only thing i'm good for, so its a good thing for me that he likes to use filthy whores like me. That he got what he wanted, and maybe he'll call me again, sometime.

He made me crawl after him to the front door, dripping his piss and cum on the floor. At the door, told me he needed to pee before he left.. took his cock out.. told me to suck and swallow.. Peed a lot more than i could handle, making my mouth nasty and filthy one last time, inside me, that faintly nauseous feel of a man;s pee filing me, dribbling form my mouth over my lingerie. Finished, then spit into my mouth, zipped up.. and left.

Let me crying, sobbing, curled up at the front door on the floor. I fell asleep - I think for a couple hours. Woke filthy and crusty and cold in the puddle of his pee. And - god help me - hard. Rolled my face into his cold strong pee, slurped it as i jerked, came into my panties again., scooped it up and rubbed it on my tits. Still crying. 

Then got up and slowly cleaned, the drips and puddles of pee and cum in various rooms of the house, dirty towels and sheets... while his cum and pee and mine were on me... and, because he had ordered it, slept that way for the night. Woke up in the night, crying and feeling utterly degraded and filthy and worthless, and jerked and came again.

Showered in the morning, finished cleaning... started putting myself back together. It takes several days.. somehow, when i get back, i feel cleaned out and whole and fortified.. but god oh god its hard while it's happening.

I dont know if he'll call again. Part of me hopes he wont. And part of me feels terrified that he won't desire me, and knows that the craving to be abused and polluted and emotionally damaged and degraded, and then do the work of healing from it and returning to myself... is part of who i am, what i need.


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tengaray
 
 Age: 40
  Kentucky