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Hetero Female Submissive, 49,  United Kingdom
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Friends:
JayxkesgoodcatholicgirlT5TartTopthoughts1

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Photo on vet - life (bloody paranoid cm - yes there are other sites out there). Happy with a wonderful sadist in my life. Not really looking for any more

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Joined:

 crystaltips

 Submissive Female

 United Kingdom

 49

 Hetero

 Caucasian

 06/04/08

 

Actively Seeking:

Friends Only

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Journal Entries:
2/5/2013 7:54:55 AM

I don't do much on this site any more but sometimes I like to write and this always seems more private - a lot less of my friends on here.

 

One of my friends just died a couple of hours ago. I first met her online years ago, she always made me smile and she used to be the sort of submissive I always wanted to be. Then I went out to AZ and met her a couple of times. She wasn't young bu tshe was beautiful - so feminine and graceful, all the things I'm not. And I'm sat here crying for her.


6/29/2011 8:34:04 AM

Ok - i kept a straight face when miss "I am poly" took me on one side and told me i was making her uncomfortable sitting at my kitchen table in my house drinking coffee with two of my partners but I've just found out that when I  share a shower with the man I share a bed with, it creeps her out. I would hate her to find out exactly how i play privately - actually i am fantasising about trapping her in a corner and describing it in great detail - I could be such a sadist!


7/9/2010 7:38:15 AM
I'm going to put the detail in my private journal, not here but i am so angry right now - isn't it up to me to decide if i'm going to risk getting hurt or not. If i'm happy to accept a relationship that is one-sided and to work at not letting that spoil it, i dont see why i have to accept someone being overprotective - hurting me so i dont get hurt. "Things can go back to how they were one day" - no they can't - we either sort this now or abandon it and i've been pretty much told to abandon it.

7/7/2010 5:43:43 AM
i'm going to go out later and buy a proper journal - so i can carry on writing out my thoughts but not share them with anyone who cares to look - so this might be my last entry.

Current thoughts are: some bits of being good are remarkably easy - its quite satisfyig knowing i'm doing as i was told. Others are a little harder but i just have to remember that, although he is no longer my Dominant, it is better that my will bends to his than vice versa. Plus being friends, however distant, is way better than the alternative.

7/6/2010 11:52:34 PM
Once i have my lead back, i think i'll feel better - well i think i'll feel worse at first because it will really be the end of all hope this is going to be miraculously fixed but it will have happened and i'll be recovering - at the moment my stomach is in knots every time i hear the post.

7/6/2010 1:26:09 AM
just when i thought i was sorting out my thoughts, learning a few lessons, etc. the psychopath from my past decides to turn up on here - well he's blocked now but why do i feel so sick? A plea to all uk subs - please do not give mastermind1111 any money you ever want to see again. Hmmm - there are only two mistakes in his profile so he obviously has someone in his life to write for him again.

7/6/2010 12:36:43 AM
I guess I'm going to miss him for a while - I was having one of those hypothetical "what if" conversations with Jefferson last night and he says he will miss him too if he's not around next time he's in the UK. Time makes things clearer - she was irrelevant really - it was other things that hurt. Being alone in a sea of couples watching the bands at the festival because he would rather drive to meet some people that didn't even turn up than stay with me. Accepting he had other plans for Saturday - but not being able to see him Friday either. Not knowing when i'd see him again. Boiling over into anger because i imagined he'd treated her better. i should have focussed on all the times he did make time for me, how much he did give me, the surprise vists i never expected when i had fucked up in the past. I hated being in a clingy, cloying relationship with my ex-husband - i need time and space for me - so how could i have been so selfish and stupid resenting him feeling like that too?

7/5/2010 4:38:03 AM
It's weird what is important to us. I hated being blocked - felt so rejected - but i can deal with friends that don't particularly see each other. I have other friends like that and we get on great when we do meet - don't see why this should be any different. Besides - i think life may be about to become more varied, more interesting - he left a vacuum but its filling up fast - i've arranged to meet a few different people over the next couple of weeks and i'm looking forward now not back


7/3/2010 11:55:13 PM
This is all bullshit - i can fool myself for a couple of hours but i am devastated and i dont know what to do about it


I don't think any one can see these any more which is great - i can write what i want.

My attitude has changed over the last week - i'm no longer devastated at what i've lost -i'm being  lot more honest with myself about what i had and what was wrong with it.

I was forever trying to suppress me, trying not to tell him how i felt, trying not to contact him too much, not to be needy. It was stressfull and its a relief to be free of it. We were so different, different tastes, different desires yet i clung to him out of loneliness.

I have all i need in Jefferson - i just need to get him over here with me

7/3/2010 12:34:40 AM
I thought deleting my profile would remove me from this site but apparently not - which may be a good thing - its good to be able to look back over my journal entries.

7/1/2010 3:16:32 AM
I'm sat here trying to think about what i did and why he should forgive me - if i could think of a reason i'd be telling him it right now, but there isn't one. I have no excuse and no one to blame but me.

7/1/2010 1:20:47 AM
Weird how the same theme starts recurring. I was sort of concluding that i need someone that can help me with the rage - then i wondered if that was really fair - do i want to be the "broken sub", harping on about the miseries of her past and expecting someone else to fix her. I think my problems are for me to deal with not to inflict on others. Then a friend posted a lovely blog on IC - lovely for her but not really what i'm looking for - except for this one line: the way he gentles and calms me, absorbs my fury i guess that's exactly what i need

6/30/2010 12:44:40 AM
I was talking to my Master last night about the mess my life is right now and he said "You are more submissive to your temper than any Dominant"

This is so true and is the underlying reason I am not as happy as I'd like to be. Whatever happens next, the temper has to go.

6/29/2010 3:52:10 PM
i've been out and i've kept a brave face on but now i'm on my own i just want to contact him - i promised i wouldnt though. I thought this would be easier this time but it isnt - i am so stupid letting my guard down and making myself vulnerable to all this pain

6/29/2010 9:40:11 AM
grrr - he sends me one email and i'm struggling not to beg

6/29/2010 4:17:06 AM
Well I broke what i had so now i have to think about what i want next. I'm not really ready for anything new right now - i might want to try poly again in the future but i need to get over this first. I think it will be for the best though - i hate being needy, i've spent too much time being tough and capable to succumb to that

6/23/2010 4:19:01 AM
i'm not sure what i am or how i feel. Trapped by my own emotions?

Part of me wants to walk away - not because he did anything wrong but because i found it so hard and it is so tempting to just withdraw - i don't want to feel like i did last night and my gut tells me she is going to be around for a long, long time. The practical part of me wants something easier - someone closer with more time for me. But, when something like that is offered, i recoil - its not what i want at all - i don't want to break what i have, i just sometimes wish it was easier

6/19/2010 8:37:28 AM
So I saw him for the first time since he agreed to be my dominant. And superficially nothing has changed - i've not even really managed to show more respect. But something was different - it was so subtle I wonder if it was my imagination but i felt different while we were playing - more relaxed, more focused, no more niggling doubts about whether it was appropriate. It wasn't earth shattering but it was good - i guess it was what i was needing.

I've been wanting to have a serious chat - to know where i stood, what we both wanted, what was going to change - and i've been dreading it too - the practical side of me has thought for a long time that this could never last - it is something to be enjoyed now and not to plan around and i sort of wanted it confirming but didn't really want to hear it - if that makes sense. I just like to know what is likely to happen next - to be prepared for the worst maybe. But a serious chat really isnt his style and isn't likely to happen.

Anyway - he just said something so simple that has made me feel great - more secure, more able to deal with the others in his life - i cant remember the exact words but he expects us to be together next year - he thinks we have made mistakes in the past and learnt from them. I dont need elaborate promises or even a date for when i'll see him next- i'm feeling pretty content with things just the way they are.

6/14/2010 12:40:58 PM
More thoughts following on from yesterday. What do i mean by submitting:

Not hiding what i feel
Being more respectful
Accepting the Dominant can do as He pleases and not responding with bratty behaviour

And maybe (if He wants it):

More protocol
Giving him more control

I don't need more of His time or attention - this isn't really about me but reflecting the respect i feel for Him.

I don't really need a lot to change though i'd be prepared to discuss anything He required. I just dont want to hide what i feel because of misplaced guilt and that has been discussed and sorted now. I guess I just want more honesty.

6/13/2010 2:56:30 AM
Had a bit of a revelation yesterday - and suddenly its so obvious, I can't believe I missed it for so long.

For various reasons I don't want to dwell on, I can't feel really submissive towards my primary but we both accept that and live with it.

But for ages now I have been restless and dissatisfied and its been coming out as horribly bratty behaviour and an unrealistic level of insecurity (i think some insecurity is natural - nothing is set in stone and we should always be ready to deal with change).

I NEED TO SUBMIT - I need someone in my life i can work at pleasing, someone i respect enough to bend my will to theirs.

It's a part of me i've been suppressing for over a year now - mainly out of respect for my primary - but, no matter how hard i try to ignore it, it's a need i have to address.

I know who i'd like to submit too - someone i know i can submit to because the respect is already in place (despite my outbursts) but i accept he might not really want the challenge so i'm waiting for his answer and i'm prepared for him saying no - i won't argue or try to change his mind - i'll just look elsewhere if i have to.

6/8/2010 1:59:15 AM
This is just a note to myself - might not make a lot of sense. I understood a lot more about how it happened after talking last night - how he hadn't really initiated anything but how events had dragged him along and how she had manipulated him - even taunted him. From what i know of her, i had always thought her kink was damaging other relationships but it wasn't till last night that i understood how that was relevant to this occasion. My inner bitch wants to hurt her (sorry him - this gender change is not something I can take seriously - is it just to widen the pool of victims?) but I guess I may have calmed down by my next trip to Tucson. I just hope the understanding helps me deal better with this the next time - its in the past and really needs to stay there and my best revenge is being happy.

6/3/2010 3:47:06 AM
I've always hated having my photo taken but I read a profile today and I was so tempted to challenge him to take a decent picture of me. I didn't though - I wrote it but never sent it. Now I'm wondering why - why i wanted one, why I daren't ask for one.

4/15/2010 1:59:12 AM
Things can still take me by surprise. Something i have never really thought about, definitely never fantasised about but a complete stranger plants an idea and suddenly i am so turned on. Why?

4/11/2010 2:37:49 AM
Am i trying too hard to be who I think other people want me to be? If I feel this bad maybe I should think more about who I want me to be and how to get there. Poly sounds great in theory but I do have the option of asking for monogamy and it is so tempting right now. Or am i going to be trading opportunity for an illusion of security?

4/7/2010 2:19:42 PM
There are some constants in my life which I will always be grateful for - the core people that give me a solid base - my Master, my kids, a few special friends. But I'm starting a whole new adventure too - new friends like those I spent the evening with, new play opportunities and experiences, more focus on the things i want out of life rather than compromise to avoid feeling lonely. Suddenly, life is looking great.

3/18/2010 5:05:15 AM
My virus checker took an intense dislike to this site so I have been away for a while. Things are definitely looking up though - the past is firmly in the past and the future looks fun. It's been a while since i felt this good.

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