cordeliasub

I have wondered for a few weeks about where I am on the vanilla/BDSM continuum.  There are things I know.  I know that I like to be given direction.  I know I need to surrender to someone I trust.  I know that I enjoy having the man take charge in the bedroom.  In general, I do not feel any affinity for passive men or for men who throw off all the decisions onto me.  I like structure, and I like knowing what is expected of me and where I stand, so to speak.  The idea of having consequences for misbehavior and then having the matter settled makes sense to me.  Being spanked fulfills something in me, as a discipline and erotically.  I have a vivid imagination and enjoy being creative.  I do so love being "taken" and love serving and pleasing a man.  All these things I know.

But some other things are a part of me too.  I could never feel safe or intimate with someone who views me as an object.  Being called slut or dirty in the throes of play is one thing...but being humiliated verbally and called derogatory names in and of themselves does NOT appeal to me.  To me, going to the doctor is something I do once a year to stay healthy - it is not an erotic exercise.  I don't like feeling like....an orgasm machine or a fleshlight with arms :) I cannot introduce myself to someone, find out a few hobbies, and then give myself over to them immediately.  

I love touch, I love affection, I love MAKING LOVE.  I enjoy having things done to me, I enjoy doing things for another....but I also crave the intimacy of doing things WITH someone.  Someone who I have gotten to know well enough for there to be mutual care. Someone who wants to know me in addition to knowing my body.  Someone who lets me in.  I can functionally orgasm and please in an isolated environment...but I flourish in an actual relationship.  I am not built for one night stands or "whip me senseless and walk away" scenarios.  Connection is key for me, and it can't be faked.  if it is not there.....I cannot fully give myself.

A lot of the above screams "vanilla."  And for awhile I have felt sub-par (haha pun) as a submissive because I need mainstream care and connection and affection.  But....over the last few weeks I have realized that one of the hallmarks of an intensely trusting relationship is the freedom to be who we ARE.  And I am a romantic.  I am a feeler.  I am affectionate and nurturing and want to be nurtured as well.  And that is fine.  That will make me unappealing to someone who wants to just find an assortment of body parts who will fall to the ground.  But that is okay.  Because I don't want to open up to someone who only wants me to be an assortment of body parts that falls to the ground.  There is nothing wrong with that.....but it isn't me.  

So maybe I fall closer to the vanilla side of the continuum than the uber-kiny side.  I no longer see that as failure; I see it as honesty with myself.

We are not complicated -

We want to be seen

We are not difficult - 

We want to be heard

We are not weak -

We have resilient strength

We are not invincible -

Our hearts can break

We are not needy -

But we do have needs

We are not perfect -

But we are beautiful.

We are wise.

We are giving.

We are open.

We are human.

We survive.

Sometimes I picture is worth a thousand words....

http://positivemed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/priority.jpg

I wonder sometimes about this paradox that is submission.  When I attempted to fit that "woman in control mold," most of the time I felt insecure, not quite focused, at odds with myself, and easily swayed.  I discovered as I became more submissive that I actually felt stronger, more confident, more resolute, and more self-aware.

Use the word "submissive" along with the world "woman" in some circles, and ires are raised, snarky remarks are thrown, and bras begin burning.  But I have found that I have never been a stronger woman in my life.

It kind of fascinates me.  And I have to say, even during this short time on this particular site, I feel even more focused and sure as I observe others and learn how to navigate that paradox.

I guess it is just a philosophical Saturday....... (smile)

I am not certain she would classify herself as “a submissive” in the lifestyle sense.  But she was….and is, in practice.  And without even thinking of it consciously, she is my ideal.

She is beautiful and utterly feminine even without frills (which she rarely wore).  She was successful in her career, one of the first women in the state in her position, attaining a PhD in her early 40′s.  She was strong but soft.  She was gracious and tactful and kind but did not suffer fools gladly.  She cooked, her house was always neat, and she looked put together at all times, even if the clothing was simple and casual.  She did what worked.  She cared for her husband, flirted with him, discussed with him, served him, and challenged him.  She was no pushover, but if he wanted a drink or sandwich, she instinctively got up and made it for him, never feeling put upon to do so.

She was shrewd and wise, but she treated everyone around her with tact and humanity even if they did not return the favor….because her actions were based on character and not emotion, though she did have emotion and empathy.  Even in disagreement she had……class.

Yes, class is a word that describes her well.  Class, tact, grace, ladylike, strong, humble, confident…….all woman and very self-aware.

That is the kind of submissive I want to be – the kind of woman I want to be.  That is the type of person whom it is easy to respect.

Thank you, Mom.

I remember my first few piano lessons.  I was a child.  I loved the piano. I had been singing, tinkering on the keys at home, and trying my hand at imitating melodies since I was 3 or 4 years old.  At 7 I was finally allowed to begin lessons.  My teacher was the theory teacher at the colleg, a rather gruff man.

Something happened during those few few lessons.  I made mistakes.  I missed notes.  I did not even know how to read music yet.  I thought I understood what a scale was, but I didn’t realize it changed if one began on a note other than C.  In short, though the desire was there....I did not begin piano lessons knowing how to play piano.  And sometimes........I cried when I practiced and couldn’t get it right quickly enough to satisfy myself.  And recitals....oh my.  The first few years I was physically sick before each one.  And yet I played.

I wonder what would have happened if my teacher had thrown up his hands in that first few weeks, declaring I was fooling myself and was certainly no musician.  What would have happened if he had laughed at me when my fingers fumbled through those first few lessons?

I would not have soared through the first two books in six months.  I would not have been playing Chopin four years later.  I would not have joined the band, begun to write music, sung an original song at a camp.....and ended up both singing and playing with groups and individually all over the country and in Europe.

Because he did not look at my fumbling beginner’s fingers and declare me a “piano wanna be,” I experienced things that helped to shape who I am....and I have been blessed to spend nearly two decades teaching other children to love music and excel in creativity.

Al because someone was wise and patient enough not to judge me as done before I began.  I need to look up that old professor and tell him thank you.....for being a man of character.

How does any of this relate to being a new submissive?  I think it is pretty self-explanatory.