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Pan Female Submissive, 44,  Wichita, Kansas
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chelleanne

chelleanne - photo 1
chelleanne - photo 3
chelleanne - photo 4
chelleanne - photo 6
chelleanne - photo 7
chelleanne - photo 8
chelleanne - photo 9

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Friends:
BiBear H0RNSnHAL0harokkuIllinois2NC

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Been pretty much vanilla for the past 8 years with a touch of bedroom kink. Trying to get back in touch with who I am. Im no longer even sure Im submissive. I cant seem to just obey anymore like I used to. Im not sure I want to blindly obey anymore without questioning. I was in a past 247 lifestyle relationship that was not good in any way shape or . Took me a couple of years to realize that and move on. It did leave me with a lot of questions and a lot less naive. Not sure if that means Im not really submissive or not. Im sorry but Im not interested in relocating at this point.



Im working on losing weight. Covid has not been kind since I started working from home the past 2 years. . Im really starting to focus on watching what I eat and exercising. The photos on here are a couple of years old. To be honest, I hate the way I look since I put on the extra weight. Ill post some more current ones if I can take a little of this weight off. update...the last couple of pictured are really recent.br



Im a pretty nice girl, that can be bad at times. I love to laugh. I love to read and write. Sometimes I write just to clear the fluff out of my brain so I can get to the meat of what is lingering there, whether a introspective thought or a dilemma that I cant quite see clearly on. It seems like there is always a layer of unimportant thoughts that float on the surface, like scum on a pond. Gotta scoop it away to be able to see the water clearly.



I can be sweet and kind at times, and feisty and hard headed at times. If I could go back in time, I would be a dancer for a living. I love to move, to sway to the music, to feel the music to my core and just let my body more to the sound. I feel free when I dance because there is nothing else in that moment.





Im rediscovering my love of pain. Sometimes it feels harsh and I find myself pulling away, but I find my body is responding like crazy to it. Sometimes it just propels me to where Im arching back, pushing toward the pain because it just feels so amazing. Im feeling the need to be bound, so that I cant pull back.







Hate having to put this in here but



Dont call me slut, pig, whore or anything similar when you message me. I did not mark humiliation as a like.



Dont send me an invite to chat when you havent even said hi. I wont accept





Dont comment on my tits in an intro message. I know theyre big...you dont have to tell me that.





Please just message me with respect, kindness and a genuine interest. It will go far.

Username:

Description:

City:

State:

Height:

Weight:

Age:

Sexuality:

Ethnicity:

Joined:

 chelleanne

 Submissive Female

 Wichita 

 Kansas

 5' 8"

 265 lbs

 44

 Pan

 Caucasian

 08/19/06

 

Actively Seeking:

Dominant Female

Dominant male

Friends

 Lives For:

 Canes and Crops

 Hair Pulling (Expert)

 Spanking

 Whips

 Puzzle Games (Expert)

 Loves:

 Amusement Parks

 Flea Markets

 Garage Sales

 Movies

 Museums

 Musical Theater

 Dancing

 Hiking

 Horseback Riding

 Walking

 Cages

 Collars

 Corsetry

 Exhibitionism

 Being Massaged

 Fire Play

 Masks (Wearing)

 Modern Primitivism (Expert)

 Plastic Wrap Bondage

 Public Play

 Shibari

 Suspension Bondage

 Vibrators (Expert)

 Wax Play

 Board Games

 MMORPGs (Expert)

 Online RPGs

 Science Fiction

 Cooking

 Cross Stitch (Expert)

 Knitting (Expert)

 Online Auctions

 Photography

 Tattoos (Expert)

 Archaeology

 Astronomy

 Biology

 Chemistry

 Mathematics

 Writing

 Country Music

 Nineties Music

 Oldies

 Pop Music

 Show Tunes

 Likes:

 Antique Shows

 Art Galleries

 Coffee Shops

 Fine Dining

 Gambling

 Renaissance Faires

 Shopping

 Travel

 Volunteerism

 Scuba Diving (Beginner)

 Anal Play

 Blindfolds (Expert)

 Breast Play

 Hoods

 Massage (Giving)

 Rituals

 Sensory Play

 Cartoons

 Chess

 Horror Movies

 Romance Novels

 Sitcoms

 Poetry

 Psychology

 Classical Music

 Eighties Music

 Folk Music

 Reggae

 Seventies Music

 Football

 Horse Racing

 Tolerates:

 Pilates

 Bondage

 Electrical Play (Beginner)

 Housework Service

 Sensation Play

 Curious About:

 Orgasm Control

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Dislikes:

 Bar Hopping

 Bird Watching

 Clubbing

 Yoga

 Begging

 Enemas

 Gags

 Maid / Butler Service

 Pantyhose

 Speech Restrictions

 Tickling

 Polyamory

 Hates:

 Fishing

 Raves

 Diapers

 Humiliation

 Masks on Partner

 Cybering

 TV News

 Conservative Politics

 Economics

 Liberal Politics

 1950s Lifestyle

 Female Sovereignty

 Goth

 Swinging

 Heavy Metal Music

 Industrial Music

 Hard Limits:

 Rap

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Journal Entries:
9/5/2017 8:04:50 PM
It's too quiet.  Not the kind of quiet that music or TV can fill.  The kind of quiet that punches you in the gut the second you walk into an empty apartment.  The kind of quite that makes you realize how alone you are.  The quiet that hungers for someone to say, " welcome home, how was your day?". the kind of quiet that feels like part of your soul is missing.  The dark quiet that screams inside your head, " Just a little cut and you will feel better"  Yes the quiet will remain, but it will be paired with pain, with the bright red, with the feel of blood running down your arm, with the slight metallic scent.  Yes the quiet will remain, but it will have touch and sight and smell to partner it and it won't seem so bad. 

It's that kind of quiet

4/12/2017 9:36:16 PM
I love how a "Dom" will tell me how he has read my profile and how intelligent I am and how interested he is and so on and so on, but as soon as I say I'm not interested, suddenly I'm "real stupid" Shakes my head.  Sorry, if not jumping on your interest, like a good little girl, makes me stupid.  I actually think that it shows exactly how intelligent I am because I said no. 

11/16/2016 10:24:26 PM
I love reading through peoples journals and profiles, even though they sometimes really make me shake my head.  I read one profile tonight, where, I kid you not, she had a list of 126 extremely hard limits, as she put it, including things such as under 6 foot, facial hair and one to things like oral sex, K9 and so forth.  So, some are pretty standard, and others are a bit not.  Her list of demands for her would be future "Master" was equally extensive.  I have to wonder, when I see something along this line, does the "submissive" really submissive or is she enamored with the idea of being a submissive?  There is a huge difference.  This laundry list of limits and demands make me think that it is more a fantasy idea than a real need or want to be submissive, to actually serve and to feel pleasure in a Dominant's happiness.  I think there are so many books/movies that have skewed peoples perception of the lifestyle and more and more woman and men are drawn to what they have been told the lifestyle is about from books and movies.  It really saddens me, because it seems to take away from the true meaning of the lifestyle.  Yes, I know that each persons experience, wants, needs and expectations are different but it just feels like it's becoming less about the needs and wants and more about the false expectations. 

My view at least

9/28/2016 10:40:37 PM
Ok, I don't normally call people out specifically on here, but I think people might want to check out this person's profile.  Ineedspankings is the name and, to me at least, he is a bully, plain and simple.  He starts his profile by stating, If you don't respond to me three times, or read my message and don't respond, or block me, I will put you name and photo on my public website.  I find it sad that he ego must be so warped that he feels the need to threaten people into responding. 

Now, you don't have to agree with me..  Nobody does.  If you think this man is awesome about the way he handles things, so be it.  You are totally allowed to think however you wish.  But....do....not...try and force those views on me, or threaten me if I don't agree with you, as Ineedspankings is doing.  I don't tolerate being bullied in everyday life, at work or in any classes that I might take, and I sure as hell am not going to tolerate it on here. 

So, take a look at that profile...or don't.  Up to you, but I felt the need to share this. 

Thanks for the time

7/1/2016 9:03:49 PM
I keep thinking lately about how much simpler things were when I was owned.  It sucked and was living hell, but it was a known hell.  I didn't have to think about bills or how messy my place was.  Most of the time, the bills didn't get paid and we would be without water or electricity or anything else that could be shut off.  There were times I had fleas crawling in my hair.  But through it all, as crap as it was, I simply didn't think.  I wasn't supposed to think.  I was supposed to obey, not think about why or what would happen if I didn't.  I stopped thinking, and things were easy.  I've been on my own for the better part of a decade, and being alone, sucks.  Bills such, having to have back surgery sucks, being overwhelmed by any number of things suck.  So yeah.  there are days I wish I would go back, just so I didn't have to think anymore.  Yeah, I know there are some that would classify that as being a doormat.  And, I guess to some extent I was.  I was too scared to think on my own. 

But even though I have those days of longing for a life past, I can say the rest of the 99% of the time, I'm thankful that I'm not still in that relationship.  I have actually refound parts of me that I like...my sarcastic nature for example.  The fact that I love to bake and to read and to write.  I like to paint and I love to go hike.  All of that was not allowed before and I realize more every day, even though it has been years, how much I missed those parts of me.  Just last week I woke up and remembered how many different place I used to volunteer precollaring, and how much I enjoyed volunteering.  I spent time with Habit for Humanity, the local PBS station, the local Humane Society, I volunteered for a local blind school for the Special Olympics.  I loved this and it made my soul happy.  It's so hard for me to look back and realize that I allowed all of these wonderful things about me to be buried, to not exist.  I was told that what I did and was before I was made a slave...didn't matter, only the future did.  How can you know a future without knowing the past. 

So yeah....things were simpler back then, but they are oh so much better now.  Do I hope to find a Dominant in the future?  Maybe, maybe not.  I have found that being...or not being someone's submissive, so not define me.  If I find a Master somewhere down the line, it will enhance me, and it will enhance him....but it will never define me, ever again. 

6/18/2016 9:03:25 AM
So....had a "dom" message me, asking questions. The answers to these questions are in my profile. I responded telling him, that, he evidently didn't read my profile. He replied saying he didn't have time to read the profiles of every pathetic sub on here....wow....if you are too lazy to read my profile...too even see if there is base compatibility...you are too lazy to be a good dom

5/24/2016 9:45:55 PM
I had back surgery about 3 weeks ago.  Just getting to the point where I feel like I can get out an do things, although everything takes a toll on me, driving, walking, sitting.  At least I don't have to worry about work right now, sure not ready to go there yet.  I have a few more weeks off, so that is good.  Anyway, because of this, I've not been online that much, so if you messaged and I didn't answer, this is why. 

3/12/2016 9:56:45 AM
I just don't understand. Why would a"dom" have a profile that basically says...I'm a dom, looking for a sub...and nothing else, and then have 6 of the 7 posted pics be pics of his penis? Am I, as a sub, supposed to go.... "hmmm, he doesn't say much in his profile, but look...he has a cock....now that changes everything. ...now I think he'd be an awesome dom" seriously...sheesh

3/8/2016 7:53:36 PM
Birthday today....Kind of sucked.  I really hate birthdays, hate getting older, hate being alone.  Had planned on going to the zoo....get some exercise and keep busy. Mother nature is a bitch and it rained all day.  So got a new piercing instead, then worked out at the gym for an hour.  Would have rather gone to the zoo to exercise...alas.  Spent the rest of the day just mopey and sad.  Just kind of a crappy day.  Oh well.  At least I don't have to worry about it for another 364 days.  yay

2/28/2016 9:27:13 PM
Finally got a few new pics added.  The one with the purple/pink/blue hair was just taken yesterday, so that's as current as it can get. 

1/24/2016 8:19:03 PM
Sorry to all that I've not responded to lately.  I've been working a lot and my back is killing me.  I'll try to get in touch soon

1/16/2016 5:30:46 PM
Decided to look back through my journals.  Wow, oh wow.  Scary to see all my idiocy in one place.  Although, nice to see that I've grown some at least

1/1/2016 7:30:16 PM
I just have to laugh at some of the messages I get.  For example, Just got this one:

"Let's chat here see if your worthy to serve me and then go from their."

Yeah....that is exactly how it was sent to me....spelling and all.  Unfortunately, I had to respond that I just didn't think he was worthy of me.  Any, yes.  I know that some will see this response as me being a bitch because there are some, on here, that think that being submissive means I'm inferior and that I'm supposed to fall to the floor and bow down just because someone puts "Master" or "Dom" in front of there name.  You know what.  I can call myself "Princess" til the cows come home...doesn't mean a castle with a moat will magically appear. 

Ok, micro-rant over

12/12/2015 8:50:02 PM
Just a poem.  Not about anyone specific


Master Taylor

 

 

A change so subtle the world does not notice

 

He tore her apart, paper pieces of herself left

to scatter, blown across the earth

 

One by one, He gathered them, collecting them

as they were found, wrinkled and torn, each

a cherished artifact.

 

With the deftness of a master taylor, years spent learning

his craft, he sews, needles sliding beneath her skin.

Each piece a part of the whole, He connects them

once more

 

A change so intense she wonders how they can’t see

 

A crimson dot of blood, where a crystalline needle

pricked His skin dots her soul.

 

His moistened thumb smoothing a wind torn edge:

His kiss soaking into to her.

 

A caress, feather soft, sends wrinkles fleeing

for night as it shivers her soon complete being.

 

Identical pieces make up her puzzle,

yet they differ as they did not before for

they are forever imprinted by His touch.

 


5/5/2014 8:36:13 PM

This is me:

 

12am

As her mind wanders

She tends to think about

something that happened

5 years ago, or something

that happened 2 hours ago,

or something that could

happen 10 years from now.

Her mind is like a hurricane,

it's a wreck. 

It's full of beautiful yet

awful thoughts.

It's 1am and her mind

continues to wander.

 

A.E.


3/18/2014 4:05:28 PM

I've officially made it 6 months without a cigarette.  Wow, does not seem possible, but it is.  :-)


2/19/2014 5:32:38 PM

Dug my coffee maker out of hiding and set up....have had it for 3 years and never used it, it's programmable....woohoo.  Bought some actual coffee (all i had was Keurig cups) and made a pot of cinnamon pecan coffee.....omg...totally yummy.  will have to try other flavors made by that maker. 

 

Got my Blu ray player hooked up and even just with watching netflix, the picture is so much sharper.  guess thats the difference between Blu Ray and an 8 year old DVD player, even if i'm not actually playing a blu ray disc. 

 

Still doing good on the diet and exercise.  will see how well i keep it up. 

 


2/18/2014 9:24:53 PM

And....went to make coffee and found my Keurig is broken.....so three things today died on me.  Insane.


2/18/2014 7:01:23 PM

So, was woken by phone ringing; my doc appointment was rescheduled to this afternoon instead of morning.  Great, got to sleep in a bit.  Ran a bunch of errands, went to doc, found out my yearly exam now only has to be done every 5 years, so kind of a waste of time.  Got home and my 8 year old DVD player crapped out on me....ok...can't be mad at that...it had a long life, so went to get a blu ray player.  Couldn't see the point of getting another dvd player when blu ray aren't that much more.  Ok, the one that needed the cable was on sale for 59.99, one with built in wireless on sale for 69.99, so that works...nope...that one is out of stock.  so i see another one, same brand and says it has built in wifi and the price is 59.99.   Ask the clerk and he is like...no that one is supposed to be on sale for 99.99 today.  Was like, well that sucks.  He then said, since it was in the wrong place, he would honor the 59.99 price....sweet.  And he told me i wouldn't need any cables...even better.  So i get it home, open it up....see that it's acutally a 3D blu ray player....don't watch 3D, but can see why the price was higher, and find...yes, yes i do need a cable, a high speed HDMI cable, whatever that is.  Ok, so go to look online to see if the neighborhood walmart has one, and my computer mouse dies.  Evidently, me and technology do not mix well today, first a DVD player and now a mouse.  So, back in the car....again.  Get the mouse and the cable and a surge protector as well (been needing one for a while).  And of course, I'm a bit too dense to figure out this set up.  Ok, i see where the  cable goes on the back of the blu ray player, but i'll be damned if i can figure out where it connects to the TV at.  And my WII was running through my DVD player, so not sure how to work that now that i no longer have a DVD player.  Anyway, i have a friend coming over tomorrow to help my tech impaired self out and get it all hooked up. 

 

Kind of cheated a bit today as far as food goes.  Had Wendy's for lunch and got a Blizzard from diary queen too.  Got my exercise bike moved into the front room, so was able to watch the first episode of Supernatural while pedalling my ass off.  Think that is going to work well.  Each episode is 42 minutes...that's a pretty good amount of time on the exercise bike each night...up from the 30 i was doing.  i'm down a total of 8.6 pounds now....still want to lose 70 more....ugh...but at least my weight is going in the right direction finally. 


2/17/2014 6:29:35 PM

So, stepped on the scale 3 days ago and almost cried.  I was at my all time high. Definitely not happy.  Do I started working out 3 times a day.  Ok.  my morning plan of doing 3 minutes on the elliptical wound up being on 5 minutes cause my ass is too out of shape, but hey, it's 5 more minutes than i was doing before.  And i'm walking 15 minutes during my lunch break, and doing 30-45 minutes after work on the exercise bike.  Also keeping a food journal and trying to really keep track of what i eat and calorie count.  i know it's only been 3 days, but doing pretty good so far.  hopefully i can keep it up


2/9/2014 7:22:40 PM

really hate when the negative thoughts and scenarios are all that seem to be able to run through my brain. 


1/18/2014 4:48:02 PM
The end of February can not come soon enough....that's the end of work offering overtime and I can go back to a normal schedule....I don't have to work the overtime but I have a goal in place and that goal needs money...so gotta work it while work is offering it

1/9/2014 6:36:02 PM
Another 15 hour workday....ugh

1/2/2014 7:01:25 PM

After not being able to drive for a week, finally got my car back from mechanic today.  Now, he didn't have it for the full week, as it broke down last Friday and couldn't get it into him until Monday.  This is a new guy, I have never been to before, but he is awesome.  I had a cylinder misfiring.  Needed 4 new spark plugs and a new coil.  Not too bad for that, but wait...it was highly recommended that I replace the timing belt cause it was looking pretty iffy.  That was going to cost a lot more, but new it probably needed to be done, so gave the go ahead.  Turns out it needed 2 new coils and he had to change something else cause the water pump was leaking when they changed that (evidently when they change a timing belt the water pump just gets changed as well) Mechanic said when he took my timing belt off, there was like zero tension in it.  He said that it probably wouldn't have last the month and I was damn lucky my coils went out and I got it in when I did.  I'll agree.  I don't know much about cars but know that a seized up engine costs a hell of a lot more.  So for 4 plugs, 2 coils, a new water pump, timing belt and whatever was leaking, it cost me $850.   I think I got a hell of a bargin, as just changing the timing belt on a VW bug usually costs more than that...oh, and he rotated my tires just for the hell of it as well...lol


12/13/2013 9:55:57 PM

so tired that i cant sleep...how crazy is that


12/4/2013 9:05:57 PM

11 weeks without a cigarette.  Finally to the point where I don't really think about them to much and when I do, it's a passing thought.  Kind of like....you know, steak sounds good, but not good enough to get up and go to the store to pick up a steak, then come home and grill it.  lol


11/30/2013 8:36:18 PM

Am I ever going to get to a point where I don't dwell on every mistake, little or large, where I feel that I'm allowed to screw up.  Where I can learn and just move on instead of thinking about it constantly and what might happen because of it.  It really sucks that I'm like this. 


11/26/2013 5:18:41 PM

Really sexy tonight...rockin the pink zebra striped flannel jammies and pigtails....oh...and fuzzy slippers....gotta love cold Kansan nights....lol


11/14/2013 9:24:07 PM

Tired of working all this overtime, but I need to get some serious money together, so, I'm sucking it up and working it.  I could work more than I am, but think I would lose my mind if I did.  Can't stand my job as it is...working an extra 10-15 hours a week makes it even worse.  I'm half brain dead and I've only worked an extra 6 so far this week.  Still have another 10 plus my normal hours to work....ugh  Next week is really gonna suck.  Not working any extra hours the week of Thanksgiving.  Since we are closed that day, I get an extra day off work, which means that working extra wouldn't be overtime, just extra hours....no way am I going in for more hours if I'm not getting time and a half...soooo not happening..lol

 


11/10/2013 3:31:48 PM

Highly annoyed right now at one of my best friends.  I work with him.  One of the other people that we work with, he has been flirting and talking to at work and over texts.  And now he said that she is going to leave her husband for him.  OMG.  what the hell.  He swears that he has not mentioned this idea at all to her, but I have trouble believing she just went, Oh, I'm going to leave my husband for this guy I see at work and send texts to.  I want to slap him upside his head.  He is a really good friend and I know I should support him if he wants to be with this girl, but I really think he is in way over his head and that she is latching on to him as a reason to leave her husband and that both of them are going to wind up getting hurt really bad.  I've tried to talk to him about it and he says that he doesn't really want a relationship with someone who is just getting out of a marriage, but at the same time, he continues to flirt with her, so he is kind of leading her on, if he doesn't want a relationship.  And if he is lying and he does want a relationship with her, she needs time on her own before that happens.  Jumping straight from husband to my friend is just not a good idea in my mind.  And it's really hard for me to talk to him, because I'm afraid that, me stating my opinions and views on this, are going to make him think that I'm jealous because I want to be with him.  Totally not the case.  We had fooled around a bit in the past, but he is non lifestyle and most definitely not what I need or want in a relationship.  I'm not jealous at all....just worried that both of them will wind up really hurt.....guess there is nothing I can really do about it, except express my concerns...which I have.  Still want to knock him upside the head though..lol


11/5/2013 8:11:31 PM

Staring at this journal page, not sure what to write, but feeling the need to write something.  Grr....type and backspace is all I can seem to get out right now. 

 


10/30/2013 6:43:35 PM

Went to the doctor yesterday as my panic attacks have increased drastically and gotten more severe.  Evidently it has a lot to do with me quitting smoking.  The tar in cigarettes have an anti anxiety to them...is part of why smoking makes you feel less stressed.  And now that I'm not smoking, my panic attacks have worsened.  So, I'm going to be taking a daily anti anxiety med (just have to figure out what dosage works for me) and I have something to take in case of emergencies.  He said that my panic attacks would have been an issue years ago if I didn't smoke.  But it's better for me to treat the panic attacks than it is to smoke.  Some days it seems like I can't win.  Go without cigarettes but then have to deal with panic attacks and taking more pills daily.  Sigh


10/16/2013 6:10:35 PM

So ready to go, to just get on that plane in 10 1/2 hours and get the heck out of Kansas.  Think my nerves will settle down once I get moving.  It's the sitting around waiting that's killing me. 


10/13/2013 7:14:25 PM

Oh wow.  In just 3 days, I'll be getting ready for bed to head out in the morning.  I'm getting really excited and really nervous.  I've been told I'm going to be spoiled.  I've never been spoiled and I'm not sure I can accept being spoiled.  I'm not used to it and know I'm going to fight it.  He knows that too, but we both know he is going to win in the end.  It's just that I've never felt myself worth enough to be spoiled or even to be bought things that I need, like new practical bras.  I'm not sure if I was just brought up with this mindset....just part of me....nothing with how my parents raised me, they did a good job.  Or if it has more to do with my very bad lifestyle relationship, where I was told that the dog had more value that I did, and was shown that was the case.  I felt completely worthless in that relationship.  I hurt myself pretty badly on multiple occasions so I could feel a bit better about myself....didn't think anything about it....I didn't feel worth enough to not hurt myself.  So, yeah....have some self confidence issues going on.  Not as bad as they could be, but not too great either.  He knows this, I've not hidden anything from him.  So, he knows that me accepting things, whether a new bra, a ticket to an amusement park or simply verbal praise, is going to be really rough for me at times.  I really hate this, as I don't want to make his life harder by having to deal with my past issues, but I know that I can't fake that the issues are not there either.  Yeah...definitely getting nervous


10/8/2013 8:23:20 PM

Starting to get clothes together for vacation.  Only 9 days left.  Getting excited and more than a little nervous. 


10/4/2013 5:36:43 PM

Major headache today.  Was up for about 3 hours, then back to bed for a 4 hour nap.  Head is killing me.  Have not gotten a single thing done today that I wanted.  Didn't exercise at all and caved and ordered pizza for dinner.  Just could not bring myself to actually cook.  Just glad if I'm going to have a headache like this, it's on my day off work.  Would completely suck if I had to deal with this at work.  Hopefully it will not last til tomorrow.  I feel like a waste today, cause I got nothing done..sigh...this sucks


9/27/2013 11:43:48 AM

Less than 3 weeks til vacation.  I can not wait.  Already started a packing list.  I don't normally pack to much, but this time, there are lots of things I want to bring with me...hehe. 

 

In a major baking/cooking mood right now.  So far today I've made spaghetti, got teriyaki chicken going in the crock pot, have chocolate cookies in the oven and getting ready to start a Dr. Pepper cake as soon as the butter gets to room temp (forgot to set it out earlier)   I think I might make some muffins as well...not sure yet.  Not sure who I expect to eat all this as I live alone....will probably bring a lot of it, especially the sweets, to work and let them devour it...lol 

 

Got a reward today for not smoking.  A couple of bra, nothing fancy, just my everyday, wear to work, functional white bras.  I was in desperate need of a couple of new ones and I just didn't want to spend the money on them, as I was hoping to go down a size before I bought new ones.  Realistically, I needed new ones before I made it to the next size, so he bought me a couple as a reward.  I'm not used to getting rewards for doing good things.  I've never had that before, so it's really hard to not feel almost guilty about someone spending money on me.   I feel like I don't deserve it in a way, even though I did good.  I know a lot of that stems from a certain very bad relationship I was in where there was no praise...non at all....you were expected to do everything right, so praise was not give because you were just doing what was expected.  there was a ton of discipline all of the time though.  So I'm not used to even hearing that someone is proud of me for something.  It's a foreign concept.  I kind of get mad in a little way to when someone spends money on me for no reason....  I know it's not really for no reason, it's a reward for me doing something well and making him proud of me.  But again....past creeps in...and part of me feels like I should just be doing this to make him happy and rewards aren't deserved, so him spending his hard earned money on me, feels strange. 

 

I love the idea of rewards, even if I'm still uncomfortable with the reality of them.  It's something that is going to take some getting used to.  He knows this, and he knows about my past and why I feel so weird about getting rewards.  He knows this will take time for me to get truly comfortable with the idea and I know he is patient and willing to take that time.  that makes me feel really good.  

 

Oh yeah...I'm on day 9 without a cigarette....today has been a bit rough for some reason...but still didn't have one...go me...lol


9/22/2013 6:03:14 PM

I'm past the 96 hour mark without a cigarette and it's really kicking in now.  I was just saying to my coworkers that I hadn't had any of the irritability usually associated with quitting, but right now I'm so annoyed at any little thing I want to scream.  And I'm like physically twitching to have a cigarette.  The literature I read said that cravings are supposed to lessen after 72 hours....so what the hell is going on with me.  I just want to throw things and for no real good reason.  Is this my body's last push of casting the physical addiction off?  I have no clue, but I'm about to cave and go get one.  I'm fighting off tears I want one so damn bad.  I don't want to give in and smoke, but I feel like I'm going to go bonkers if I don't.  Arggghhhhh


9/19/2013 4:50:21 PM

Made it a full 24 hours without a cigarette.  Was kind of restless and thought...I'll run to the casino for a bit...yeah...probably not the smartest move as there were smokers everywhere.  I was there for about an hour and didn't ask a single person to bum a smoke, so still smoke free.  Really proud of myself and someone else is really proud of me too.  That mean a whole lot to me.  Just hoping I can keep at this. 


9/16/2013 7:28:52 PM

Super, super excited.  31 days and counting. 


9/14/2013 6:58:27 PM

I've spent many many years questioning whether I'm submissive any more, because I don't like to be told what to do, and I don't just blindly obey, wondering if that meant I just plain wasn't submissive.  And I'm not talking about dealing with strangers here, it's been with people I know.  I came to a realization last night.  A certain someone gave me a couple of tasks yesterday.  I've been talking with him for a bit.   I did the tasks.  I didn't have to wonder why I was doing them, he told me why.  I did them without it ever crossing my mind not to.  And ultimately, I knew it would make him happy if I did these tasks.  And it did, he was pleased and proud of me....for doing a couple of simple things.  It wasn't like he was tasking me to carve his initials into my thighs.  And the feeling I felt, from a simple, " good girl, I'm proud of you" was amazing.  Made me realize, that yes...I am submissive.....to the right person.  I'm not going to be submissive to everyone, I actually think that can be very dangerous.  That "good girl", the flush it caused, the grin that immediately popped onto my face....knowing I did something that pleased him.  Knowing that I would like to keep pleasing him, put an end to my questioning about whether I'm really a submissive...cause now I know I am.  Regardless of what happens with him and I, it's good to know that I can stop questioning that part of me. 


9/12/2013 10:06:29 PM

Crazy day at work, but solved my problem from yesterday.  Good thing was, as insane and stressful work was and as worried as I was about things that happened, I had someone who calmed me down and destressed me just with simple texts.  It was wonderful.  I am thoroughly enjoying the time I get to talk to him, both on the computer and on the phone.  Taking things a day at a time and just seeing what might or might not happen. 


9/11/2013 6:49:43 PM

I have had an awesome day, even though I had to work.  My boss was MIA today...yay.  And I got to talk an amazing guy during my lunch.  And the last 45 minutes of work was the best.  I think I solved a problem that 8 people prior to me couldn't...one of them being a supervisor.  I have to wait a couple of days to be sure, but think I did it.....yay me

 


9/8/2013 8:16:52 PM

Was kind of in a sad mood tonight.  Spent 2 days getting my apartment all nice and clean, busted my ass doing so....it was a real mess, and realized I have nobody to share it with.  So that really sucked.  But I was able to talk to someone on the computer and phone tonight that cheered me up a lot.  Now if he wasn't so dang far away.  Shrugs.  Still enjoying talking to him, so I'll take that :-)


9/3/2013 9:23:25 PM

Work is driving me nuts...as usual.  I've been getting annoyed with myself lately.  I find myself keep expecting a certain reaction from someone I know and it's a reaction I know I'm not going to get.  Nothing romantic in nature, just thinking a friend is going to act a certain way because it's the way that it should be, when I know this person isn't going to because it's just against their nature.  It's frustrating me to no end, because I keep trying to put my ideals and morals onto a friend.  I'm not mad at him, he's just the way he is.  I'm mad and annoyed at myself for wishing and hoping he wouldn't be the way he is.  I try really really hard not to put what I believe on others, and I'm getting really pissed at myself because I keep finding myself trying to do just that with him, and I don't like being that type of person.  Grrrr


8/21/2013 9:25:37 PM

Finally some time off work.  This week has been a nightmare.  Been reading through the journals on here a lot lately and I'm finding that I'm drawn to some of the more bizarre ones.  Bizarre in my terms.  I'm sure they are not bizarre in someone else's.  And while they talk about things that I consider hard limits, I can't help but look these people up and read all their past entries.  No, I'm not harboring a hidden, secret desire to try some of these things, never going to happen, but I'm fascinated by the people that want and crave these acts.  I think I've always been that way.  I'm fascinated by OCD and eating disorders but have no wish to have either.  Nazi concentration camps fascinate me and I've read a ton of books on them.  They were horrible horrible places and I wish they had never existed, but maybe it's the idea that somewhere in someone's mind this was seen as right and just is what I'm drawn to.  The psychology of it all. 

 

I'm have a serious need to give up control right now.  My life has been so hectic lately that my brain is just overwhelmed.  I need to let someone else take over, I need to feel the pain that will shut my brain of to where I can't think, simply feel.  I had my first taste of this a little bit ago...first time in many many many years and it's like something has woken up inside of me.  Shrugs.  It will pass, but it's highly annoying craving until it does. 


8/10/2013 8:19:54 PM

Want to wish someone a very happy birthday


8/9/2013 9:15:28 PM

Ugh, got absolutely nothing accomplished today.  Have had a headache from the time I woke up that I can not get rid of. 


8/7/2013 7:07:50 PM

I added a few pics of my trip to the Galapagos Islands


8/6/2013 10:52:42 AM

Finally got back home yesterday night.  Had to get up at 2:30 am yesterday and finally got in at 8:30pm, was one long ass day, but home finally.  Now just to go through all 1200 pictures that I took..lol


7/25/2013 12:23:56 PM

Just found out this morning that I get to go to the Galapagos Islands tomorrow.  I am super excited, although I will miss someone like crazy.  That part makes me sad.


7/24/2013 6:52:28 PM

Holy shit, I feel good.  My ass is super sore and I love it.  Got a major league spanking tonight plus a bit more :-)  Loved every second of it.  Wasn't sure how much I would be able to take as I hadn't been spanked in over 6 years years, but I think I did damn good.  I love, love loved it.  Spent a lot of time talking as well.  Was an amazing evening. 


7/24/2013 1:00:14 PM

I'm tired of trying with the people I work with. I can't win


7/22/2013 2:35:59 PM

I'm slowly realizing how much I need to give up some control.  I don't think I realized how much responsibility and control I had taken in the last year or so.  Not that responsibility is a bad thing, it's very good, but, now that I'm starting to think about giving up a little control, whether just physically or a bit of the physical and mental, I'm realizing how much I crave that, to just be able to let go and not be in charge.  It's something that I'm realizing I need to do.  I need to have some balance.  Be in control of my bills and in control at work and give up control in other ways. 


7/22/2013 2:30:33 PM

I bought this cute little apron quite a few months ago.  It's just hanging in my kitchen more as a piece of decoration than anything else.  I rarely cook.  I'm a good cook, I just never cook as it's just me here.  But lately, I keep looking at it, wanting to cook for someone wearing just the apron.  It's kind of a fantasy of mine.  Wonder if I will ever get the chance. 


7/21/2013 6:00:08 PM

Wow, what a day.  Work sucked, worse than normal, and didn't get to go out like I was hoping.  But for some reason, I am feeling very aggressive, wild, like I want to get into some kind of trouble.  Nothing that gets me arrested or anything, but something crazy and just plain fun.  Thinking things are looking pretty good with a certain someone, but waiting to see how it plays out.  I feel more confident just talking to him, so that's a good thing.  Just taking my time and seeing how it plays out, but crossing my fingers that it turns out good :-)


7/20/2013 8:53:19 PM

Until recently, I had been wondering if my "kink" side was still a part of me, as I hadn't accessed it at all in a long, long time, not even to read BDSM stories or to fantasize about it.  Wasn't sure if it still existed, but it seems to have woken up here lately.  My mind is racing thinking about possibilities and I read a nice little story today and my body reacted just as it used to.  The thought of being tied up and having a crop or paddle or hand used on me, where I couldn't move and couldn't escape, caused my pulse to race and other parts of my body to tighten and pulsate.  It was an amazing feeling, completely different from the reaction I get from traditional "porn" type stories.  I just can't stop grinning, it's like I'm rediscovering a part of me that I wasn't quite sure was there anymore.  And this is just thinking about it, can't wait to see what the reality might be like.


7/20/2013 7:03:16 PM

Ugh, what a cruddy day at work.  Oh well, at least is it over now.  Love my new nipple piercings, although they are kind of sore, but in a nice way, actually liking the feeling.  I keep having to stop myself from playing with them, know they need to heal now.  Actually aching to have someone else play with them...lol.  Sigh


7/19/2013 5:13:03 PM

Sort of busy day.  Ran a bunch of errands.  Got my hair cut, just the split ends, about 1 1/2 inches, feels a lot healthier and I know that inch and a half will grow back fast.  Got my kitchen all cleaned up, looks great.  Watched a movie I had been meaning to watch.  Took a nap that was supposed to be an hour but wound up being 3 hours.  I don't normally take naps, but was just plain tired today.  Spent some money on something I had been meaning to do for quite awhile.  Been a pretty good day


7/18/2013 8:26:29 PM

Never knew blue eyes came in such a beautiful shade.


7/17/2013 5:07:20 PM

Feeling good today.  He noticed the googley eye comment, just made me grin.  Wasn't sure he would notice it  It's so refreshing and nice to talk to someone who is not a jackass, does not want my money (like I have any extra money) or who does not demand naked pics of me. 


7/16/2013 9:07:00 PM

Had the day off work.  Cleaned some, napped some, watched Disney movies some.  Ran to grocery, got basic supplies, milk, bread, etc.  Was sad to see there didn't sell googley eyes.  He'll know what I'm talking about...lol 


7/13/2013 9:22:58 PM

Well, things are back to normal at my apartment complex...no more gunman, no more police, no more new crews.  Yay.  That was a crazy 2 days.  I'm on day 10 of smoking only the electronic cigarettes.  I have saved a ton of money already by not smoking.  And with all the flavors of ecigs, I never get bored.  The starter kit, 2 extra flavors and an extra vaporizer cost me about $60.  So far I have saved over $65 in not buying actual cigarettes, so I'm already in the plus.  It is soooo nice not have to worry about stopping buy the gas station daily or at least every other day.  And my apartment is starting to smell nice again.  I had started smoking inside, even though I told myself that I wouldn't.  Always had some excuse for not going outside.  Too hot, too cold, raining, anyway, apartment was starting to reek with cigarette smoke.  After a week and a half, the smell has faded away.  And I can tell if it smells like my vapor or not, but since my vapor is kiwi strawberry, pear, cinnamon or spearmint, at least it won't smell like smoke.  I can handle a pear scented apartment...lol. 

 

I'm getting way to gutsy with this guy I work with, while at work.  Doing things at work that I would probably get fired for if we get caught.  I really need to chill with him and the workplace, but damn it is soooo much fun, even the chance of getting caught makes it fun.  I really hate my job, so having a day or two (only time we have same schedule at work) where I actually look forward to work, even if just for the chance to be really inappropriate, is sooooo nice.  I don't dread work for a day, sometimes 2 a week.  He's the only one I'm doing anything with right now.  I have never been the type to mess around with multiple guys at the same time.  Even if it's just pg/r rated stuff, and definitely not when it's X rated stuff.  There is no relationship there, never will be, just having some fun.  But seriously need to lay off the, anything higher than G rated, stuff at work.  Although I have been telling myself this for a while now and haven't managed to stop yet.  I am horrible at making myself do or not do something, ugh. 

 

Is that part of being submissive, I wonder?  It's easy to say I'm going to do something, but next to impossible to actually do it, especially if I'm trying to do it for myself and not for someone else.  Hmmm. 


7/11/2013 7:21:28 PM

Oh my gosh, what a couple of days.  Have an armed guy holed up in one of my apartment buildings, police, fire, swat teams from 7 different cities, gun fire, tear gas grenades, turrets, you name it, we got it.  Couldn't get into apartment complex last night (gunman is not in my building) They let 9 of the 12 buildings home, but mine was not one of them.  Made it home today after way too much stress.  Red cross got me a hotel, since I wasn't allowed home.  Then took hotel away from me, saying police were letting us in.  Got over there and police said no, but then about 40  minutes later, they said yes and I got to go home.  Now complex is on lock down again and nobody can come or go.  They set up a shelter in a school for the people stuck on the outside.  Glad I made it home when I did, better stuck at home than away from it.  I've listened to gunfire and flash bang things and them shooting tear gas into apartment where guy is.  It's just plain nuts. 


7/7/2013 7:52:22 PM

Oh my goodness.  Had the laugh of my week/month, possibly even year yesterday in a message an ex sent me.  I met him on here and it didn't work out so good.  I was more than glad when it was over and had no problem at all in never seeing or thinking about him again.  Well, in he pops into my message box yesterday asking if I want a threesome.   Wow....had no interest in a threesome when I was with him and actually liked him, why the hell would I want one with him almost a year after we ended it?  Yeah, I'm sure he will read this and maybe get pissed.  Oh well, at least I'm not using his name.  Cause ya know what, it more than a little pisses me off...along with amusing the hell out of me.  Pisses me off that he thinks that little of me, or that much of himself, that he can message me after like 11 months (and nope....was all good with the no contact) of no contact and ask about a threesome.  WTF.  Oh well.  Just reinforces the fact that I'm totally, 100% better off without  him. 


7/2/2013 8:56:56 PM

First message received from a "Dom"......go into the bathroom pull down your pants and show me your ass in your panties

 

Really??? don't think so

 

Why do some people think being submissive is the same as being an idiot?


7/2/2013 8:36:31 PM

I really hate it when I have to come down hard on some idiot leaving me message that obviously didn't even bother to read my profile.  Makes me feel all mean. 


6/27/2013 9:23:44 PM

Wow, had one crazy storm come through here tonight.  85+ mph winds.  Looks like a tornado hit, but no funnels were spotted, just a ton of wind.  Lost power in my apartment, looks like it will be out for about 8-16 hours, so I'm staying with a friend tonight.  The damage that I saw on the drive over was insane.  Looks like someone took a potato peeler to the roofs, pieces of them were just peeled back.  Fences are down everywhere, some of them had 4x4 beams of wood just snapped off.  Part of roofs were just gone, collapsed to the group, metal gates in the middle of the road.  Saw a tree on it's side, roots sticking up and it was a good sized tree.  The poor souls that had 4th of July firework tents up, have to be devastated.  The tents are pretty much gone as are the fireworks, what ones the rain didn't ruin.  Just glad that everyone I know is safe and sound...even if they don't have power


6/24/2013 7:14:37 PM

Kind of down today.  Found out my ex was in a relationship 2 weeks after he broke up with me.  I'm soooo pissed and upset.  I asked him if there was someone else, he swore there wasn't, so of course I spent a long time doubting myself, wondering what was wrong with me.  Getting dumped for another girl is bad enough, but thinking you were getting dumped just because he was better being alone that with me, that was bad.  If he had just manned up and told me that there was someone else, I could have moved on a whole lot faster.  God what a jackass.  But there is still that part of me wondering what the hell I was missing that someone else had...sigh.  I know he is a little boy and will never have a healthy relationship until he grows up.  I kind of feel sorry for the girl he is with now.  I'm just mad and sad today


6/17/2013 8:33:39 PM

Had to make a hard decision today.  Had to give up something I really really really enjoy, but that I need to give up.  Sucks being a grown up sometimes..lol


6/14/2013 10:06:24 PM

Been in this mood all dang day.  I feel like getting into some trouble.  Not, stealing a car, kind of trouble, but something naughty, with the chance of getting caught.  I didn't do anything, but might tomorrow.  I have a "friend" that I work with, and in the past, we have gotten kind of steamy in a very inappropriate location.  Might see what happens tomorrow.  Thinking this type of mood is not very good for me, but dang it, I want to let go for a change


6/11/2013 9:04:13 PM

Still having a bit of the insomnia, but not as bad as last week.  My mind can't seem to shut down.  I've been reading a bunch of the journal entries on here lately, and I see all these submissives/slaves that are go, go, go.  I hope they really know what they are doing.  I only say this because, I didn't when I started in this lifestyle and I read a lot of entries that are exactly how I used to be.  I turned a blind eye to a lot of things when it came to my "Master".  I have more than a few emotional, psychological and physical scars because of this.  I'm much more grounded now and less fantasy based.  I think that is healthier for me, but I kind of feel that I lost some of my ability to dream and fantasize because of it. Think I'm better off this way though.  The way I was before, was dangerous.  I didn't realize how dangerous until recently and I'm glad that I came out of the time with him in one piece, even if bits of that one piece are a little damaged. 


6/8/2013 6:01:09 PM

I shared a foot long chili cheese dog with a friend at work today and now we are both paying for it.  Oh the down fall of fast food chili.  Ugh


6/6/2013 10:23:21 PM

Been having this thing lately where I simply do not want to go to bed.  I'm going to bed later and later each night.  I'm bipolar and take meds each night at bedtime, that basically knock me out, so my mind doesn't race and keep me awake for 3 hours when I'm trying to sleep.  FYI.  Bipolar is mild and with meds, completely under control, but will be taking pills for the rest of my life.  With me not wanting to go to bed until later and later, I'm really having trouble getting up for work in the morning, because the meds knock me out for a good 6-7 hours.  So taking pills at 2am, then having to get up at 7:30...well, the math is not a pretty picture.  So far, work has not noticed me dozing off at my desk for the first hour until the copious amounts of coffee kick in.  I'm not sure why I don't want to go to bed.  It's almost an anxiety when I think about going to bed.  I'm not sure why and have never ran into this problem until a week or so ago.  Shrugs, not sure


5/27/2013 7:23:35 PM

Wow, can't believe how long it's been since I've written anything.  Have kind of been taking a collarme break.  I was in a short term vanilla relationship for a few months.  It was nice in a way, to have just a bit of kink in the bedroom and no other lifestyle any where at all otherwise.  There is someone I work with that one day, grabbed my by my neck and pushed me against a wall and kissed me.  Took me completely by surprise, how much I loved it.  That feeling was intoxicating.  He is not relationship material, so that isn't an issue, but damn it was nice feeling that. 


11/9/2012 9:46:54 PM

Crappy freaking night.  Damn panic attack on top of being tired as hell.  These 10 hour days are killing me.  i know, it's not that much more than what i usually work, but the way i feel about where i work...10 extra minutes is too damn much.  Was called sexy today by someone i care about.  automatically put up the defense system.  Replied that i was old, fat and ugly.  is how i see myself, regardless of how others see me.  working on the fat part, trying to lose more weight.  ugly, well makeup and doing my hair helps some, but nothing can change my age.  part of what set off the panic attack.  won't go into it though, i know myself and if i start talking right now, it will trigger another one.  panic attack cause is nicely barricaded in the back of my brain right now.  i can usually stop this one from happening.  when it starts i just imagine the issue put in a tiny box, then all the air vacuumed out of box (can't live without air), then box put in wooden crate, air taken out again, crate put in concrete box, air sucked out again, concrete reinforced with bars, all edges sealed with steel.  steel box put in adamantium box (stuff that makes up Wolverine's claws in Xmen), air sucked out again, hole where air sucked out sealed with adamantium again, and box launched into deep space, where it gets sucked into a black hole. 

 

i know that is a bit overboard, but imagining each step takes my mind off issue and calms me down.  once every 4-6 months though, it doesn't work and panic attack happens.  haven't had one in about 8 months now, so this one was really really bad.  i know there are people that i can talk to when shit happens, but i just don't want to bother them.  i want them to enjoy their time together rather than deal with crap that i'm used to, well, not used to, but now that i have issues with.  just really sucks is all


10/28/2012 6:47:58 PM

i am way to freaking nice sometimes, seriously


10/24/2012 10:27:44 AM

So, went out on my balcony yesterday and noticed that one of my chairs, the fabric kind that fold up, the fabric on it was shredded.  It's been really windy lately, so figured that was what did it.  Today, i'm sitting on my couch and looking out the sliding glass door and there is a squirrel, happily shredding the fabric.  i went out to shoo him away and he just stands there refusing to get off my balcony.  what the hell am i supposed to do about this damn squirrel


10/22/2012 8:24:48 PM

Gotta smile when i realize that my received mail list is comprised of basically only two names, friends that i'm getting to know better.  it is so freaking nice to have people that i can talk to that understand me....well as much as i let them in at least....that i can talk to about the lifestyle and my past, because lets face it, no matter how much vanilla friends might know about the lifestyle, they will never truly be able to relate.  How can they?  Because they read 50 shades of grey?? please.  one of the girls that i work with read that series and now wants the 50 shades of grey starter kit, blindfold, anal beads, cuffs, and such...really???  She now thinks she is an expert in the lifestyle.  Ugh.  I think i would scare the crap out of her if i ever told her some of the stuff that i'm into, or some of my past.  A couple of my friends know a bit about my past but when i talk about it, they are all like, "yeah, that's crazy" or just nod their heads at me.  They will never understand, they can't, they haven't experienced it.  So, it's nice to talk to people, that while they did not go through my past, they can understand the lifestyle and relate to it.  Each day, i'm finding changes in myself.  The want to relive my past in the written word, to get it out of my head and onto paper.  i find myself not capitalizing the letter i, which at first i found frustrating as all hell, because i was bound and determined to not be a lower case i anymore, so i did a lot of freaking backspacing for quite a few days, and honestly it annoyed the crap out of me whenever i saw a lower case i sneak in.  The same goes for that damn capital Y.  again, was never going to do it, but as i talk with people, i find it naturally popping back in to some of my conversations.  i think i'm finally starting to get used to it, but now i'm finding myself using lower case i when i'm texting people.  Now that is really getting on my nerves because i think it's my mindset that is changing and to be honest, i'm fighting it like all get out because last time i was in that mindset i was stupid and naive and lost any sense of who i was.  i never want to go back to that place.  so while, i will accept that sometimes on here, i will be content with that little lower case i and that upper case Y (soooooo not using it on all conversations, my mind won't let me, just on some conversations it seems to come out on its own) i will actually almost welcome it at time, i will not allow it to become my life again, not that way it was before...ever.  but maybe, just maybe, it means that i'm starting to see that maybe....in time....be ready for a lifestyle relationship again.  not saying that i am ready at this point and it may be a long long long time before i am, but this almost feels like baby step number 1.  shrugs...who knows


10/21/2012 10:07:23 PM

Got a wonderful message from a person today asking me if I wondered how many people read my profile and journal and realized what a slut and whore I am and how much I want to be used and abused and how I'm only good for being abused and whored.  Oh yeah, and how all of my journal entries about itching probably made people think I had herpes.  Seriously??????  For those that have kept up with my journal entries, here's an update so that you don't think I'm herpes infested.  Would be wonderful if the jackass that wrote that message to me actually knew the symptoms of herpes before he started running his mouth. 

 

 

Found out that if I keep a humidifier running and use the fragrance and dye free detergent and fabric softener, the itching is gone, gone, gone.  I think that I was so freaking stressed at moving to my own place and being alone for the first time in over a decade, it triggered a new allergy to fragrance and dyes.  I know that stress can do that.  I don't really care what caused it honestly.  All I know is that the new stuff works.  Itching is totally gone. 

 

I write what is on my mind, whether it is lifestyle related or not.  It's how I express what is making me happy, sad, angry or just plain emotional.  Honestly, I don't really write in this journal for anyone else except myself.  You might say, then why not just write it on paper and stash it under the mattress.  I post it on a public forum so that if there is someone out there that can relate or understand me, or see a bit of themselves in me, it's there for them to see.  If they don't read my journals or can't relate to me, it's no big deal, but if they can, that's all good too. 

 

 


10/16/2012 10:14:46 PM

I have to ask myself somedays, what is the purpose of me writing a profile when the majority of people either don't read it or completely ignore what it says.  I don't get it.  Before I even think about messaging anyone whether dominant or submissive, I read the entire profile and any journal entries.  Maybe I just like to read to much.  Who knows.


10/12/2012 7:39:31 PM

Had a girls night out tonight with some of the girls from work.  Yes, these are the same bitches that I can't stand and hate to work with, but one of them was actually a friend of mine, so I kind of had to make an appearance.  It's not her fault that I don't get along with the gossipy, talk behind your back girls.  It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Another one of my friends from work showed up and I was able to sit next to her, so I didn't have to really talk to any other others.  Now, I know you are thinking, wait, two friends at work, they can't all be bad.  I work on a team of 18 people.  I get along with 2, that's it.  Those two were the ones that showed up tonight along with 8 of the others.  Thank god they were at the other end of the table and I squished my way in between the two that I get along with.  Food was good.  Got some almost nasty looks because I didn't order any alcohol with my meal.  One of my friends is pregnant and I didn't want her to be the only one not drinking.  I think that would have been kind of rude.  So, I stayed sober with her.  So, all in all, it was a tolerable to good night.  I'll take it :-)


10/10/2012 8:56:26 PM

Finally on vacation from work.  I am thrilled, but I might have to cut it a few days short.  I really need to work some overtime to pay for car insurance.  Have to love those bills that only come once every six months that I tend to forget about, and I'm not sure if I put off the overtime an extra week, that it will show up on my paycheck in time to pay for it.  I have the money in savings to pay it, but I don't really want to touch that money.  It's there in case the car breaks or I get hurt or well...for emergencies.  And to me, car insurance, that I forgot to budget for, is not an emergency.  It's a...get your lazy ass off the sofa and work some extra hours....thing.  This is kind of amusing to me, as I have never been good at saving money.  Something clicked last year around tax return time and I decided I needed to say, and well, I actually started to save.  I have a monthly list of all my bills and when they are due, I write down the amount due and check mark it off when it's been paid.  I have the list made up 6 months in advance, and leave the fluctuating items amount blank, such as electricity, because it's never the same month to month.  I have already added car insurance to the each months bills from here on out, so that I pay myself a bit each month, so I won't be surprised again come May.  I only need to work 20 hours of overtime and I have enough for the insurance, but gods do I hate where I work.  Shrugs, time to put on the big girl panties and suck it up.  I can whip out 20 hours in a week and have it over and done with.  I kind of want to try to work an extra 20 a week for...gasp...6 weeks, then I could get a new desktop computer.  I don't have credit cards, so anything large that I want, I have to work and save for instead of charging.  Charged a ton in my past and paid for it.  Having a credit card company garnish your paycheck, actually it was 2 credit card companies...is not something I EVER plan on repeating and will never let myself get into that situation again.  Granted, it was do to an ex of mine, but ultimately, I was the one that gave over financial control to him, so really it was my stupidity and my price to pay.   Needless to say, I will never give over complete financial control to a Dominant ever again.  I don't care how in love I think I am, how much I am convinced that he will take care of me or how much I think he will look after my best interests, it will simply never happen again.  I live, I screw up, I learn and I don't repeat my mistakes.  I'll just say that that was a relationship where the power exchange was completely one sided. 

 

My itching is kind of flaring back up again.  I think it's because I put sheets on my bed that have not been rewashed with the new fragrance and dye free detergent and fabric softener.  I really think that the stress of moving into my own place and fear of being alone, triggered an allergic reaction to the fragrance and dyes in things.  I know stress can do that.  So on my little vacation from work this week, I'm going to see how much of my clothes and bedding I can get washed and see if that helps.  I think it will. 

 

I really didn't mean to write a novel tonight, but looks like I did anyway.  Must have needed to write.  :-)


10/2/2012 9:36:27 PM

Really need to find a new job.  I'm so freaking tired of the gossips and lazy idiots that I work with.  On the plus side.  Itching is a ton better.  Think we finally figured out what it was.  It has gone from being a 10 on a scale of 1-10 to being about a 2 or 3.  Because I was scratching so much, I have tons of little scabs everywhere, so those are still itchy and probably will be until they heal, but I can deal with that.  Got my tooth fixed.  The dentist wanted to crown it, but I simply don't have the $400 that it would cost out of pocket.  Well, I do, in savings, but want to keep that in case the car breaks or something like that.  Dentist was able to patch it up for now.  Going to try and get it and another tooth crowned once I get income tax refund in February. 

 

Anything new lifestyle for me lately?  Not really.  Been too absorbed with itching and such lately.  I find I'm becoming more drawn to Dommes lately.  I'm not sure why.  I've always been bi, but always thought of long term being with a man.  So maybe I was more straight with bi tendancies???  But lately, I seem to be shifting gears to the female side of things.  Not sure what is going on there.  Maybe I'm craving a perceived...how to put this...softer side that I think  female may represent, but at the same time, I know that a woman can be just as tough, demanding and sadistic as a man can.  I really don't know why I feel like I'm starting to shift. 


9/24/2012 6:21:08 PM

I am so overwhelmed right now. This itching and bumps that cover my entire body is almost more than I can stand. Then at work, I start shaking for some reason, so grab something to eat to see if that helps and I break off the entire side of one of my teeth. Don't know how much more I can take right now without losing it


9/18/2012 9:31:40 PM

Getting my hair cut tomorrow.  Not going as short as I was contemplating, but getting a bit cut off.  Still itching like crazy, so going to call doc tomorrow...again.  I'm going nuts with the itching. 


9/12/2012 9:47:56 AM

Got lab results back...thyroid is fine, but I'm really low on vitamin D which can cause pretty much the same symptoms.  So, gotta get some uber vitamin d pills and hopefully that will help


9/10/2012 10:25:43 PM

Thinking about cutting all my hair off.  Short...really really short


9/9/2012 10:09:46 PM

God, I hope I hear from doc office tomorrow.  I'm making myself bleed, I'm scratching so much.  Nothing seems to help.  I got some cortizone cream, helps for about 5 minutes, then back to itching.  I'm freaking scared to brush or even wash my hair right now because of the amount that is coming out.  Glad I have a lot of hair...thankful for that at least.  Come on doc, tell me what's wrong. 


9/8/2012 6:45:41 PM

omg, this itching is driving me insane...I'm scratching myself raw here.


9/5/2012 1:03:25 PM

Doc thinks it might be my thyroid, had to give 3 vials of blood...good thing I don't mind needles. Got a steroid shot for the itching.  It's starting to help, a little.  Also got some allergy meds that should help with itching as well, and my depression medicine got upped.  That should be fun.  Just got that refilled yesterday, so will actually run out of meds 10 days too soon.  Doc said to call her when that happened and she would call in new script and let insurance know that it was ok to fill early because the dosage changed.  Yeah right...that never works out as planned...gotta love being on a controlled substance for depression.


9/4/2012 6:47:21 PM

Doctor's appointment in the morning.  Hopefully they can figure out what is wrong with me.


9/3/2012 10:08:42 PM

Omg, I hope the doctor's office can squeeze me in sometime tomorrow or Wednesday.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I'm tired of the panic attacks I've been having lately.  Like tonight.  I was at the casino, having fun winning money.  Suddenly, I remember I left a candle burning in my apartment.  I don't have any pets or anything that could upset the candle and start a fire and I've had this candle burning for 8+ hours before while I've been home, so rationally, I know it's going to be ok.  This is at 11:40.  But I get it in my head that I need to get home by midnight or something bad is going to happen.  I'm in full panic mode now.  I drove home like a crazy person, scared to death that my apartment was going to be all in flames.  This is not like me.  I don't have anxiety attacks like this.  Rationally, I know that, more than likely, it's my thyroid as anxiety is a symptom of a messed up thyroid as well.  I sure as hell hope it's my thyroid, cause if it's not, I'm losing hair, itching like crazy, getting super depressed even on meds, and having panic attacks just for the hell of it.  I didn't even know what the symptoms of a messed up thyroid were until my I mentioned the hair loss and the itching to my mother.  Gotta love having a mom that's an RN.  So, I did some research and I have a lot of the symptoms of it.  If it's not my thyroid, then I'm just plain going insane.  God, I hope they can get me in this week, I don't think I can handle another week like this.


9/2/2012 9:55:21 PM

Been having a rough few weeks lately.  Been having some health issues.  My mother is a nurse and I've talked to her about things and she thinks my thyroid may be off kilter.  I'm going to call my doc on Tuesday and see about making an appointment.  It also seems like my pills aren't working on my depression as well as they used to.  I've done some research and it seems that could be an issue with my thyroid as well.  Oh joy.  I tend to do stupid things when my depression gets really bad, like hurt myself physically.  I don't get suicidal or anything like that.  No worries there.  I have to wonder though, if hurting myself helps, what's the big deal.  And it does help, at least temporarily.  How is that any different than someone else who is depressed eating a half a gallon of chocolate ice cream.  Neither is healthy and both are coping mechanisms, and at least my way I'm not gaining any weight.  I sure as hell don't need to add weight gain to the problems I'm having right now.  I'm not saying that I have been hurting myself, just that I can tend to get that way. 

 

It's not like I'm super depressed all of the time.  I still function, I'm able to work and keep my apartment clean.   Some days are just worse than others.  Really hoping the doctor can help figure this out. 


8/29/2012 10:23:51 PM

Weight-203, going back down

exercise--lots of cleaning


8/28/2012 7:20:15 PM

Feeling really alone again tonight.  Contemplating doing something stupid. 

 

Ok, not going to do anything stupid, going to behave a be a good girl.  Does being good still count if there is nobody to be good for?  I'm going to go with yes.  :-)


8/28/2012 7:19:33 PM

Paying for the cheeseburger yesterday. 

Weight 204

Exercise--30 minutes on bike


8/27/2012 8:31:39 PM

Day off from exercise and a bit of a cheat day for food.  Did good until dinner then had a bacon cheeseburger and fries.  Gotta have a bad meal every so often (once a week)

 

Weight: 202.2

exercise: rest day


8/26/2012 5:32:42 PM

I think the elliptical hates me.  Oh well

 

weight: 204.2

exercise:  30 minutes on elliptical

 


8/25/2012 6:37:33 PM

I'm going to start tracking my weight and exercise here.  I need to keep a written record of it, that others can see, cause if it's just me, I might not keep up with it.  I need to be....accountable,  I guess to keeping on this fitness track.  No, I'm not looking for someone to punish me if I don't exercise, but I kind of do.  I know that doesn't make sense, but I guess I just don't want people coming out of the woodwork with punishments if I fail.  Anyway. 

 

Day 1

Weight--204.8

Exercise--30 minutes on exercise bike (6.6 miles)


8/23/2012 9:22:44 PM

Been looking at fitness stuff all day.  I have set a goal to lose 50 pounds by Christmas.  I even took pictures of myself in a bra and a pair of tight shorts.  Ugh, I soooo did not need to see those, but well, it's where I am right now and wanted to see a starting point.  I think I'm going to take all the cookies and soda and crap that I have in my apartment to work tomorrow and just let my coworkers have at it.  I can't bring myself to just throw it all in the garbage. 

 

I need to figure out a workout routine.  I need to have it planned out so that I know exactly what to do each day.  I would like to workout 5 days a week, a mix of cardio and weight training.  I don't have a membership to an actual gym, but my work has a workout room in the basement with elliptical machines, treadmills, recumbent and stationary bikes as well as a lot of weight machines.  I just need to figure out how much to do of what.  Guess, I need to see what I can do physically at this point.  I'm pretty out of shape and I want to do this smart and not hurt myself.  Any fitness gurus out there?


8/23/2012 5:52:25 PM

Finally got bookcases moved in, so can work on putting together tomorrow.  Been a pretty productive day.  Got my living room all cleaned up.  Even vacuumed.  First time using the vacuum cleaner.  Who the hell knew you had to put a vacuum together with screws and such.  Not me.  But anyway, got it all pretty looking.  Got all my clothes that need to go to goodwill bagged up, just have to take them.  So did good today :-)


8/22/2012 9:56:49 PM

Damn, just burnt myself with my cigarette.  Not on purpose or anything like that.  Hurts way too damn much to have any pleasure attached to it.  Wonder if there is anything in my apartment to help with the pain.  No burn cream of even aloe.  Hmmmm


8/22/2012 8:46:44 PM

Been a rough day.  One of those days where everything is hitting me emotionally from songs to well...just my brain going overboard.  I know there are times where I need to simply stop thinking.  I have had people tell me this in the past and I know it's true.  I have just....won't say never, but rarely have I been able to just stop thinking.  It seems I can usually get there through pain, then my body just takes over.  Maybe that's why I love pain so much.  It also seems that, sometimes, I feel more comfortable in myself when I'm a bit sad or depressed.  I have only been on meds for my depression for 5 years and they help, seriously, they really help.  I don't think I could function in day to day life without them.  That being said, I was without my meds for 36 years, so taking into consideration that the depression probably didn't kick in until puberty, that means I was without them for a good 20+ years.  And while, I love how I am with the meds, I don't always feel comfortable being happy.  I'm not sure how much sense that makes.  And right now, dealing with menopause or at least pre menopause, I tend to get emotional a little bit more easily than I recently have been used to.  Not much to do about it.  It's just part of nature. 


8/21/2012 9:06:56 PM

Well, I got 2 of the 5 goals I set for myself yesterday done.  Ok, they were the easiest 2, but still.  Hoping to get 2 more accomplished tomorrow.  Feeling really good today.  I'm starting to get a bit antsy though.  I'm feeling that pain play itch.  I'm craving marks and lots of them, one that last for days and days.  One that I feel every time I move. 


8/20/2012 5:33:17 PM

Woohoo, week is done for me, and I have 3 days off instead of just 2 this week.  Gotta love random vacation days :-)

 

Now, what to do on days off. 

 

Goal 1:  Get bedroom cleaned and all of goodwill clothes bagged up and carted off to...well, Goodwill.

 

Goal 2: Find someone stronger than me to get those 2 heavy ass bookcases in boxes out of the back of my car and into my apartment.

 

Goal 3:  Dependent on accomplishing goal 2, put together bookcases without splintering anything or hammering my thumb. 

 

Goal 4:  Finish afghan I'm working on, so I can start the second one. (Have 4 afghans to make in the next 2 months...why are all my friend's birthdays so damn close together?)

 

Goal 5: Grocery shop...ugh...and buy real food that actually needs to be cooked, not frozen pizzas and pop-tarts.

 

Goal 6:  Enjoy not being at work.


8/20/2012 12:08:38 AM

Had a really good night.  Haven't said that in a long time, so it's nice to be able to say it. :-)  Although it's now 2:30 am and I'm still wide awake and don't even care.  Was too good of a night to worry about sleep


8/18/2012 8:34:10 PM

Feeling really alone tonight.  But feeling ok with feeling alone.  I need to get used to it, because otherwise, I'm latching on to the wrong people just so I'm not alone.  I can't let that continue to happen.  It's not healthy for me at all.  Damn, think I'm finally getting smarter and growing up some.  Had to happen sometime..lol


8/17/2012 6:38:44 PM

Wow, what a night.  Learned the difference between a Dominant and a bossy, self centered, egotistical jerk that isn't interested in any kind of power exchange, only in gaining the power.  Oh well, lesson learned. 


8/16/2012 9:22:10 PM

I'm depressed all of a sudden.  Don't know if I'm depressed or just sad.  Not sure what the difference.  Was having a good night and suddenly I feel like crying.  I'm not sure what is going on.  I seem to be getting more like this lately, but only at night.  And I don't want to go to bed, even though I'm dead tired.  Something about sleeping is freaking me out lately.  I don't want to sleep even though I know I need it.  Maybe it's that my apartment is just too quiet at night and I notice it much more than during the day.  Maybe that's why I'm so weird about sleep right now.  I really don't know.  It's very strange.  And I don't like it.  I know my meds for my depression are ok.  I just went to the doc less than a month ago and he thought my dosage was fine.  I think I'm just sad at times.  I still get that way even on depression medicine.  The meds just make it so I'm just plain sad instead of wanting to burn myself or drive into a tree depressed.  Shrugs, who knows


8/13/2012 6:29:20 PM

Really hating being alone, but know I need to be right now


8/7/2012 3:03:18 PM

I love that it is cooler today, we need a serious break in the heat, but damn if my sinuses aren't complaining.  Exactly what purpose do sinuses serve anyway?


8/4/2012 5:43:33 PM

Went to the gym after work....damn.  I used to be able to walk an hour on the treadmill.  Nope...not even close, managed to do 20 minutes.  Oh well, gotta start somewhere when starting over


8/2/2012 9:00:49 PM

Not sure what I'm doing anymore.  But know that I need to figure out who and what I am.  I know I'm not Dominant, but I'm not sure if I'm submissive anymore.  I can't seem to just obey, even if I know my obeying will please someone.  I can obey on a lot of things, but some things that I'm not comfortable with, I fight and I fight hard.  Can I still be a submissive if I'm like that?  I really don't know anymore.  I know I like the pain side of the lifestyle and I know I enjoy doing things for others that are unexpected and not required of me, just because I know it will make them happy, even if I don't enjoy doing it.  I hate to clean, but I feel so good cleaning, when I haven't been told to, just because I know it will please someone.  That seems submissive to me.  But I just can't seem to not question and fight some things even when I know they will please.  I don't know what I am anymore.


7/31/2012 3:35:29 PM

Why can't I just shut my brain off and obey.  I want to so freaking bad, but it's like my brain won't let me.  I don't want to get back into the mindless drone that I used to be that obeyed everything and questioned nothing, that was afraid to think on her own.  That if she was told to go to the store to get something and come right back, was unsure what to do if the store was out.  Should she go to a different store...did that mean she was disobeying because she didn't come right home.  Would wind up calling and interrupting him from what ever he was doing to see what she was supposed to do.  I lost all ability to think for myself.  I'm so scared that if I give up all control, I'll be that girl again. 


7/29/2012 8:51:07 PM

I seriously have no clue what I'm doing anymore.  I need to just find a hole and crawl into it. 


7/28/2012 8:04:24 PM

I feel really lost right now.  I don't know what I want right now, and sure as hell don't know what I need.  He's being soooo patient with me, more than I would if I was in his shoes.  I'm really sad tonight.  I feel like going out, just to go do something because it's too quiet and I'm feeling really alone.  I'm thinking I made a bad decision earlier this week, but not sure how to fix it.  I think I made the decision because I was getting really scared and freaked out.  I don't know what I'm doing any more.


7/26/2012 9:04:33 PM

So absolutely freaking confused right now


7/19/2012 5:25:41 PM

Yearly woman exams suck.  Not the exam as such, although that is never fun, but because certain body areas need to be mark free for exam.  grrrrr


7/18/2012 1:40:59 PM

Well, I was a good girl the other night and didn't give into my rebellious craving.  So that's a good thing


7/17/2012 4:17:23 PM

Well, mechanic couldn't find anything wrong with my car.  Thinks it might have been a loose wire.  He checked the fans, the thermostat, the radiator and god only knows what else and everything is working great.  He said he had it running for an hour with ac all the way up and the rpms cranked up and the temp light never came on.  Who knows.  Ill just have to keep an eye on it


7/16/2012 7:59:14 PM

Doing better today.  Contemplating doing something that I really should not do and that I know he would not want me to do.  Feeling a bit rebellious tonight.  Probably won't do it, will just stay home and be a good girl.  Does it count if I think about doing something I know I would get in trouble for?  Or is just not doing it good enough?


7/15/2012 7:53:50 PM

I'm sad tonight.  My car is acting up, so stuck here alone.  Going to take it to the mechanic tomorrow, but don't want to drive it more than necessary, so not going out tonight.   Friends are all off doing things.  Just really feel like crying. 


7/13/2012 6:37:13 AM

I'm soooo freaking tired.  Did not sleep well at all


7/12/2012 9:22:29 PM

Really feeling like I need to pull away.  I'm reaching that point where I am getting too close and feel the need to run, cut contact, stop seeing, and just disappear. 


7/11/2012 8:49:07 PM

I'm not liking living alone.  It's too quiet and lonely.  He said it will get better, but I'm scared that it won't.  I don't want to be all over him just because I don't want to be by myself.  I do love being with him and around him, but damn, this is hard.


7/10/2012 9:17:48 PM

I'm hot, sticky and sweaty, and didn't even get that way the fun way..lol   Gotta love moving in 93 degree heat.  Thank you to both my ex/roommate and my current one and only.  Never would have managed without both of you. 


7/10/2012 6:05:21 AM

Moving day..finally


7/8/2012 8:47:48 PM

How in the hell can I be happy and scared as all get out at the same time.  Seriously, my brain needs to think before it allows my mouth to blurts out things that are going to mess with my brain, even if they are true


7/7/2012 4:02:06 PM

OMG.  I am freaking hotter than hell.  Just went to, not one, but two of my friends houses to pick up pieces of furniture for apartment in a truck without AC.  I'm roasting.  On the plus side for today, I have my lease signed, so apartment is mine for a year, just have to wait 3 more days until I can move everything in.  Woohoo


7/5/2012 11:27:44 PM

Found what and who I both need and want.  I'm his. Finally admitted that tonight.  Happy and content


7/4/2012 3:23:04 PM

Just blocked my first person ever.  Normally if someone is crude and starts off with "you need to write stupid whore on your forehead in permanent marker", I go ahead and reply with something along the lines of, "not stupid and not a whore" Of course it's a bit more in depth of a message, but that's the basic message behind it.  This guy came back with how all girls on here are white trash, living paycheck to paycheck without a pot to piss in.  Ok, again, explained, how wrong he was and how he needs to learn to actually read a profile and message with, if not respect for a person, whether male or female, at least some common courtesy.  Evidently ,  he didn't like that either.  and replied with a whole bunch of crap that I won't go into.  So I told him to have a good life, good luck and that I was blocking him.  I soooo don't need that kind of negativity in my life.


7/4/2012 12:00:11 PM

As I'm packing, I am realizing, I have wayyyyyy to many clothes..lol


7/4/2012 10:01:52 AM

Really scared of how right it felt to be kneeling, looking up at him


7/2/2012 10:58:37 PM

Love that feeling when I'm doing something pleasant (non sexual) for someone else, whether giving a massage or washing glasses, where I kind of zone out and just do, because it's what I'm supposed to do, that rare moment when my brain just shuts off and I can simply be. 


6/30/2012 9:34:54 PM

I'm starting to remember how much I like rope and being bound securely, not into positions that strain my body, but where I'm in a rope hug and not able to move. 


6/29/2012 5:12:49 PM

Gotta love rope burns.  :-)


6/28/2012 6:31:07 AM

Feel like I didn't sleep much last night, but I know I did.  I'm really tired and not wanting to go to work.  sigh, why can' t I just win the lottery and not have to mess with work. lol


6/26/2012 9:41:41 PM
Laying in bed...tired both physically and mentally...staring at the ceiling unable to sleep

6/26/2012 1:44:34 PM

Anyone who thinks dogs don't dream, has never had a dog...random thought as I sit here listening to my dog bark in her sleep


6/26/2012 10:59:20 AM

Getting really depressed.  I'm boxing up my home for the past 5 1/2 years.  I know this move is needed, I need to be on my own, but each thing I take off the wall and put away hurts.  I feel like I'm losing a piece of me with each thing that gets put into a box.  I know it's just stuff, but it's also memories and part of my home.  I'm worried about my ex/roommate as well.  He has been taking things down as well and changing the place.  I think this is as hard on him as it is on me.  I think us still being friends is making this a lot harder.  It would be sooooooooooooo much easier if we hated each other. 


6/26/2012 9:33:46 AM

frustrated right now.  Feel like being defiant.  Not a good thing.


6/21/2012 11:34:57 PM

Had a good night with a friend, was missing someone though.  He knows who he is.  At least I sure hope he does..lol


6/20/2012 2:47:29 PM

Read a quote that resonated with me.  "One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder."

 

Also, "Ah yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it"


6/20/2012 1:30:44 PM

towering heights, moss slicked stones

built by calloused, blistered hands

each one placed, blood as mortar.

The smallest tear, seeping down

wetness working between the stones

They move, shifting slightly

with each new drop

Small movements, breaking down.

Winds of spoken words

shift them more, move them more.

They start to fall, start to buckle

under the weight

of each new fear.

Hay and straw to patch

the ever shifting wall.

Never strong enough

they fail to strengthen a single stone.

Heat from a gaze, strong and sure

sees inside, shifts them more

speeding time

until they start to fall.

 

I can not run

I can not hide

I can not move.

All I can do is stand there

as they tumble down

crashing around me,

into me,

onto me,

until I'm buried alive.

 

I can not breathe,

I can not think,

I can not leave

 

Strong hands search,

reaching for me,

feeling for me,

grasping onto me,

pulling me free

to stand in his arms

safe,

secure,

warm

as I gaze at the debris

of the walls at my feet.


6/16/2012 9:34:10 PM

Tonight felt like a good night for a few beers.  I really don't like drinking.  But some nights just call for it. 


6/16/2012 9:55:14 AM
What a crappy day...didn't sleep worth a damn last night

6/15/2012 8:15:02 PM

Kind of crazy how much more I am writing in a hand written journal than I ever did typing one.  If feels like I can be more honest about what I am writing about because it's in a handy dandy little book that I can slip under my bed or into my purse and nobody can see it.  Strange, isn't it


6/14/2012 10:07:11 PM

Going to switch to a hand written journal for a bit.  I find the task of hand writing something is letting me write more of what I need to write than typing is


6/12/2012 10:51:22 PM

Wow, what a crazy day.  I've always liked pain, to a point where I can get stupid and not know when to stop, but somehow, instead of taking me to that happy happy place that I can usually go to with pain, pain seems to be breaking me down.  Not physically, although pretty marks are still pretty, but instead of happy place, it's like walls are being ripped down.  And they are not slowly crumbling away, they are tumbling all at once.  Yeah, I know that the walls need to come down, but dammit, I don't want them to.  Walls are built for a reason, to protect what is inside of them.  Look at castles and fortresses.  The huge walls weren't built for no reason.  They had a very good purpose and function.  Why can't my walls do the same.  Why do they need to come down.  My emotions that are normally quite a way under the surface are freaking just below water level.  I couldn't keep them in today, I simply couldn't.  I keep telling myself that I will not go down that path again.  Been there, got hurt like hell, not doing it again.  Doesn't matter that I know that he is not like my ex from hell, still can not do that, and yet when he calls, I find myself grinning a big goofy happy smile.  What the hell.  I need to be careful, very careful or I'm afraid I might lose myself, whoever the hell I am anymore. 


6/9/2012 6:22:10 PM

What a crap day.  Someone broke out my passenger window while I was at work today, completely shattered it.  This sucks


6/8/2012 9:39:35 PM

I'm feeling, almost, calm right now.  Well, as calm as I can feel, seems like there is always an underlying current of emotions, but I'll take what I can get :-)


6/7/2012 8:37:17 PM

Had a bit of clarity lately.  Starting to really see that what I want isn't what I need.  I say starting because I'm far from being there.  Starting to accept that some walls need to come down, that my defense mechanisms, however comfortable and safe feeling they are, are not good for me.  It's just hard letting go of them. 


6/5/2012 4:40:06 PM

Heard a new song on the radio today and it felt like whoever wrote it was looking into my soul.  It was freaky.  I actually started crying while I was driving. 


6/3/2012 9:36:51 PM

Going to try and work a ton of overtime this week.  So, most likely will be a very very tired and grumpy girl this week.


5/31/2012 9:02:50 PM

Wondering what the hell I am doing right now with my life.  Too many changes happening right now, too many choices to make.  Too confusing


5/30/2012 9:39:40 PM

Other than being just plain tired all the time, I'm back to feeling normal.  It's been an emotional few days.  My roommates mom passes away Monday morning, Tuesday, my great uncle passes away in waiting room for a routine dentist visit.  Between the deaths and me being sick, I am past emotionally wiped out right now.  Plus have been running all over the place getting stuff for upcoming move.  Yeah, I know, I'm sick and still running around...but it was on sale and I needed it.  Then helped move all of roommate's mom's stuff into the garage, because they had to move it today or else pay another month's rent at the assisted living place she was at.  Think, all of that has worn me out even more than I was already.  I'm not the smartest person in the world when it comes to taking it easy when I'm sick.  Oh well.


5/27/2012 5:55:35 PM

Not feeling too well today.  Have either a sinus and ear infection, tonsillitis or possibly strep throat.  Non of the above makes my throat hurt any less and makes swallowing any easier.  sigh.  I hate being sick

 

 

Wound up being a major allergy attach....better than strep I guess...at least I'm not contagious...gotta rinse my nasal passages and my throat with salt water...that is one weird feeling rinsing out nasal passages.  thanks allergies..lol


5/21/2012 10:35:52 PM

I'm tired tonight and more than a bit down.  Not sure why.  Actually I do, but not going into it on here right now.  I think I'm making my life more complicated that it needs to be, but I just hate the thought of being on my own in a few weeks. I haven't  been alone in over a decade and thinking about that puts me into almost a panic attack.  So, I've been trying to find things to do to keep my brain occupied on anything else and I'm wearing myself down, hard.  I'm craving the play and pain side of the lifestyle like crazy right now.  I don't know if that's because its a distraction from the being alone thing and something else to focus on, or because I really want it.  I'm scared to death of opening up to anyone enough on here to actually even contemplate another lifestyle relationship as my last one was not the best in the world.  Ok, it sucked pretty bad.  But I want that intimacy and closeness that comes with the play side of the lifestyle.  I simply can not be whipped, caned or what ever other else pain might be involved without feeling a sense of connection or intimacy with the Other person.  I'm also freaking out about my age.  I hate getting older and it's like seeing another person that is around my age interested in me, freaks me out.  not because he or she is older, but because it means that, me, at the same age is older as well.  Gods, I'm just so scared of everything right now.  I don't consider myself a weak person, but I feel weak right now. Ok, done writing


5/17/2012 9:21:16 PM

Tired, tired, tired girl here.  Been a long day and i am tuckered out, plain and simple.


5/10/2012 10:07:38 PM

I'm craving...not quite sure what I'm craving right now.  It's hard to put into words.  I'm craving sex, yes, nothing new about that.  Doesn't mean I'm going to go pick someone up at a bar and take him home.  I have more self control than that, and no, I'm not looking for someone to "fix" my craving, so don't offer.  What I'm yearning for feels different.  It feels deeper somehow.  I'm not wanting someone to come in and take over my life.  Still trying to figure out what my life is right now.  But I need to give up some kind of control.  Not even really give it up.  I need someone to demand it.  Again, no not looking for someone to message me with demands.  It's not that kind of craving.  I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now, so going to go to bed I think.


5/8/2012 9:06:47 PM

Can someone please tell me what purpose sinuses serve other than to annoy the hell out of me each spring and fall.  Taking so many sinus meds, almost afraid the cops are going to flag me down for making something illegal out of them.  No, I 'm not making anything illegal, have no idea how and no desire to learn.  Just trying to get my head to stop hurting. 


5/8/2012 9:28:38 AM

I got the apartment.  Woohoo. I can move in in July


5/7/2012 5:43:12 PM

Argh, still no news on the apartment.  They needed a copy of my last paycheck.  I had emailed this to them, but evidently they couldn't get it to print, so had to print one off and run it up to them today.  Said I should know tomorrow.  


5/5/2012 12:22:12 PM

Went to a strip club with a friend of mine for her birthday.  I love being a woman in a girly strip club.  It's like I am free to let my inner slut out.  The way I was dressed I could have passed for one of the strippers, if I was 20 years younger and 50 pounds lighter.  But, it was soooooo much fun.  They actually pulled me onto the stage at one point.  I loved all the attention I was getting from both the strippers and the guys in the place.  Had a ball.  Definitely have to go back in the future. 


5/4/2012 5:25:21 PM

Well, no word on apartment today, guess I'll have to wait until Monday to find out if I got it.  I hate waiting, I am sooo not a patient person in cases likes this. 

 


5/3/2012 10:29:39 PM

stupid insomnia.  Can't seem to get to sleep tonight, even though I am wiped.  Had a good day.  Put in for an apartment, hopefully my past credit issues will not prevent me from getting it.  Crossing my fingers.  Texted so much today that my battery on my phone pooped out and was giving me little nasty message about how low my battery was.  Went to a comedy club with a friend that I hadn't seen in ages.  Only got picked on by the comedians a little bit.  Some how I always get picked on a little at least.  Smiles, it's all good, I love the attention. 

 

Seems I always like to be the center of attention.  I like to be looked at.  I tend to dress in clothes a bit too tight and a bit too short.  I like the way I feel in clothes like that, like I can conquer anything. 


5/3/2012 3:00:35 PM

Casino no longer likes me...well there goes my plans for becoming a professional gambler..lol


5/2/2012 8:08:07 PM

Went back to the casino today, won again.  It's crazy.  Made more this week that I would at my normal job.  Maybe I could become a professional slot player...not


5/1/2012 9:35:08 PM

Decided to run to the casino today, know I won't be able to as much once I get my own place.  Casino actually liked me today.  I really have to be careful about how much time I spend there, it could easily become an addition with me.  I have found if I get a bit down, I tend to run to the casino, lose some money and feel even worse.  I wasn't feeling down today when I went and had a ball.  It helped that I was actually winning.  Still would have had fun if I hadn't won, but winning made it a bit more fun.  So far, I have only taken what I can afford to lose, but have this feeling in my stomach, that if I'm not careful, it could easily become a problem.


4/29/2012 7:28:00 PM

I gotta learn to stop picking at my thumbs


4/28/2012 6:06:55 PM

One more day closer to my vacation from work.  I'm realizing that, while I'm not ready for a relationship at this point in my life, I really really really miss the play side of the lifestyle.  I miss seeing the marks on my body for days after a play session. I miss the calm serene feeling afterwards.  I miss the pain.  Not sure at this point what, if anything I'm going to do about this.


4/27/2012 6:01:30 PM

Gosh darn, &%%*(&&   Made it a whole week where my stomach wasn't bothering me, and now the nauseau is back in full force.  Forced myself to eat lunch today and then got sick later.  I do not know what the hell my body is doing to me.  This sucks


4/26/2012 8:22:46 PM

Did some new exercises yesterday, felt great...not so much today.  My abs hurt like heck.  Stupid abs..lol  They didn't hurt a bit yesterday, nada.  Then today, about 1/2 way through the day...blam...overworked ab syndrome.  Well, at least I know I'm exercising..lol


4/25/2012 12:02:02 PM

Sigh, had some new pics taken of me today.  I completely hate the way I look.  I'm sooo glad I didn't have any taken when I was 30 pounds heavier, I probably would have started crying.  I also realize that I'm not good at smiling.  I really feel old looking at the new pics compared to the old pic that I had up before.  I liked to think that I hadn't aged that much in the past 7 years, but ack, the picture says differently.  Sigh, this sucks


4/24/2012 10:32:08 AM

OMG, just got a message from a guy asking "wanna hook up", nothing else, Just "wanna hook up" .  Profile pic is of him in his undies with his junk hanging out the side.  Guess someone did not read my profile...lol  Must admit, I was not overly nice with a reply...lol  It was good for a laugh at least


4/24/2012 10:15:54 AM

How in the world can 2 cats and 1 dog produce so much fur?  They should be bald by now with as much fur as I have vacuumed up today


4/23/2012 10:27:39 PM

Two days off from work.  Woohoo.  Lots of laundry and cleaning to do.  I really hate to clean, but it's gotta be done and I love the feeling of accomplishment when I see a nice pretty clean house.  So I guess it all works out well.  I'm in a bit of a dilemma right now.  Not sure what to do about something.  Don't think it's anything I can really get advice on, but will have to do a bit of soul searching about.  Dang, I'm tired of being so introspective lately.  Why can't I be nice and shallow for a change.


4/22/2012 7:51:04 PM

i don't get it.  well, actually i do.  it seems like i meet a good person, talk a little, and next thing i know, it's sex talk out the wazzo.  and when i tell them, i'm not interested in sex chat, cam or phone, poof, away the go.  Not really complaining, because if that's all they are interested in, good riddance. 

 


4/21/2012 5:28:16 PM

Good day at work today.  Don't faint.  I know after hearing me complain about work, me saying it's good day is a shocker.  Been thinking a lot about what I want from this lifestyle and more importantly, what I need from this lifestyle.  Not saying I have any answers, but at least thinking about it is a step in the right direction...i think

 

Appetite is back, so there is good news. As expected, I gained a couple of pounds, my body thought it was starving and is like, woohoo...food, lets pack it away for the next time we are starving.  I'm so happy about that, I don't even care about the couple of pounds, I'll get them back off.  I'm just glad I don't have to go to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor


4/20/2012 6:14:23 PM

Deleted the complaining about work journal entry.  I know I am lucky to have a job, and I'm glad I have a steady income.  There are just days where I need to vent about work because then I can let it go and enjoy my evening. 

 


4/19/2012 6:34:10 PM

I really hate working, but I know that I would go insane being at home all of the time.  I have to have something to stimulate my mind.  Maybe that's the problem with work.  It's busy non-stop, but it's stupid stuff that any body with a few brain cells could do.  At least I have a job, and it pays the rent, just wish I could do something that made me happy for a career.  Problem is, I have no clue what that might be. 


4/18/2012 7:10:45 PM

Wow.  Had to switch to generics for the medicine i take for my depression, and the generic is messing with me big time.  Don't know if it's because my body is not used to it, however similar to the real thing it might be, or if my body is just reacting differently to it.  i have absolutely no appetite lately.  i lost 7.5 pounds last week, and while, yes, i'm trying to lose weight, this is not the right way to do it.  I don't even want chocolate anymore.  That is soooo not normal.  i'm going give it another week and if i'm still the same, i'll break down and go see the doc. 


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