celticlily

Just when I thought I was in the clear, BOOM! Nightmare involving my ex. FML.

So very very tired. Moving house, beginning three years of intense study, looking for work, having to share a bedroom with someone else until I find a place of my own.

Too much change in one week, so very tired.

Very lonely. Old hungers stir. Dark sensual needs to be wanted, owned, needed. A meal for a hungry lover. Protected and safe.

So tired..

WTF....The creepers are coming out of the woodwork tonight.

Okay, clarification time.

Illegal fetishes? Not interested. This included necrophilia, kidnapping, bestiality and incest. If you think to ask me if I'm interested in any of these things, I WILL report you.

It occured to me tonight that somedays I feel as though I know exactly what I want from this lifestyle. Other days I know nothing at all.

What I do know is that I wouldn't be here at all if not for my love of reading and learning.

I also know that despite all the erotica out there, nothing has affected me so much as the story I am currently reading. It was the first BDSM story I ever read.

It is still my favorite to this day.

It is the one story where I truly get lost in the flow of the words, the images floating through my head and the deep, intense connection between the two main characters.

It is quite possibly the only BDSM story I have ever read to make me both simultaneously elated, aroused, and depressed all at the same time.

Because I read this story, and I wish it were me.

It makes me wish I could take back the experiences I have had, and start anew. Start fresh. But at the same time, I know that I would not be where I am, or who I am, without those experiences.

All I can try to do is live my life fully, and not focus on the negativity.

I want to be able to trust. I want to have my walls broken down.  But I am absolutely terrified to the bottom of my soul of trusting that much, of letting someone in that much,  because of the hurt I've been through. I can honestly say that it is my absolute worst fear out of everything in my entire life.

I hate that I've been through it, because I don't want it to colour my lifestyle. I hate that fear. I FEAR that fear. I fear the damage it might cause. I dont want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm scared. I'm determined to push forward and explore and embrace who and what I am, but I'm so damn scared I could cry.

For anyone curious, the link for the story follows:

http://www.literotica.com/s/culture-shock?page=1

I know that right now in my life, I don't know where I want to go. Having one's goals and lifeplans ripped out from underneath one leaves a hole that is a struggle to fill.

I know that I have submissive, even slave tendencies for the right person, be that Master or Mistress. I want to serve them and see the love and tenderness and pleasure on their face. I want to know that I'll be protected and cherished for every little quirk that is a part of me, instead of having my tastes and nature slowly crushed bit by bit until I become another clone.

I want to curl up at night and be held, and hear whispers of love and devotion. I want to be able to trust myself, and trust that the person who makes promises won't break them.

At the same time, my heart aches at the thought of being in love. I know I'm still healing, and I know that it takes a long time, years even. I don't expect to be okay overnight.

Wish that were so, but its not possible, not with a nature like mine. I love with every part of my soul, and I give of myself and my nature freely. So its easy to be taken advantage of, because I have yet to learn that fine line between where to trust and where to step back.

Once trust is lost, it is never regained with me, and it is most likely that you'll lose my friendship altogether. I don't deal well with betrayal.

I know that the above doesn't bode well for making new friends. I know that it makes me look somewhat insane. Don't deny my insanity, never have and never will.

It is a hard thing, to be the kind of person I am. But I know that the person who gains my trust completely, who takes the time and effort to break down every wall (and trust me, there are thousands), to conquer every issue in my head....

....that person will have a treasure like no other.

That person will have my complete, unending, unwavering loyalty, devotion and submission.

Nothing better than a day of physical labor in the sun. Still some slave in me despite everything happening :D

Nothing better than waking up all stiff and sore on a Monday morning and finding my pretty white flesh covered in purple bruises from sharp strong teeth. My shoulder is going to ache for a long time :)

What the fuck gives you the right to message me out of the blue, judge me on a circumstance you know NOTHING about, and then block me before I can even defend myself!?!

The Sound of Sunshine - Michael Franti

One, two, three, uh huh
Yo, yo
I wake up in the mornin' at 6 'o clock
You say there may be rain but the sun is hot
I wish I had some time just to kill today
And I wish I had a dime for every bill I got to pay
Some days you lose, you win, and the water's as high as the times roll in
So I jump back into where I learned to swim
Try to keep my head above it the best I can
That's why
Here I am
Just waitin' for the storm to pass me by
And that's the sound of sunshine
Comin' down
And that's the sound of sunshine
Comin' down (down, down, down)
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh
One, two, three, uh huh
I saw my friend Bobby he said "What's up man?"
You got little work or 20 to lend
I opened up my hand he said "I'm glad to see"
They could take away my job but not my friends you see
And here I am
Just waitin' for the storm to pass me by (pass me by)
And that's the sound of sunshine
Comin' down
And that's the sound of sunshine
Comin' down
Yo, yo, here we go
I wanna go where the summer never ends
With my guitar on the beach there with all my friends
The sun so hot and the waves in motion
And everything smells like suntan lotion
The ocean, and the girls so sweet
So kick off your shoes and relax your feet
You say that miracles are never ceasin'
And every single song needs a little releasin'
The stereo bumpin' til the sun goes down
And I only wanna hear that sound
That's the sound of sunshine (of sunshine)
Comin' down
And that's the sound of sunshine
Comin' down (comin' down, down, down)
And I say
You're the one I wanna be with (yo, yo)
When the sun goes down (uh huh)
You're the one I wanna be with (I really wanna be with)
When the sun goes down, sing
You're the one I wanna be with
When the sun goes down
You're the one I wanna be with
When the sun goes...
That's the sound (that's the sound) of sunshine (of sunshine)
Comin' down (uh huh, uh huh)
And that's the sound of sunshine
Comin' down
Eh, eh, eh
When the sun goes down, when the sun goes down
Eh, eh, eh, eh (when the sun goes down)

Spellbound - Lacuna Coil

Burning here, in the room
Feeling that the walls are moving closer
Silent scene the dark takes me
Leads me to the ending of another day
I'm haunted
Tell me who you are. I am spellbound
You cannot have this control on me
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
I will break the spell you put on me
Velvet drapes, glowing candles
Silent whispers of words inside of my head
The night that comes, it waits for me
Lift me to the ending of another day
I'm haunted
Tell me who you are. I am spellbound
You cannot have this control on me
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
I will break the spell you put on me
Break the spell...
Tell me who you are. I am spellbound
You cannot have this control on me
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
I will break the spell you put on me
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
I will break the spell you put on me

Ever have those moments where you just want to smash your head against a wall until something breaks?

I do. And right now I'm not at all sure if I care what breaks, my head or the wall.

Do I have 'Domme-In-Training' stamped on my forehead? If my profile says submissive, why on earth would you contact me looking for a Mistress? What the fuck are you thinking?

Had someone ask me today "So what is the best way to get into your pants?", so I thought I'd clarify for people.

You aren't going to get into my pants, or skirts, unless you are an extremely special case and I make a rare exception.

Class, manners, intelligence and understanding...they all help. An arrogant attitude and the assumption that I'm going to fall at your feet and worship you, is only going to get you bitch-slapped.

It also helps if you take the time to read my profile clearly. I am a complex person, but my likes and dislikes are clearly listed. If you think you are going to convert me from liking or disliking something, move on. If you want me to try my hard limits, move on. If you want me to crawl around and be your naked speechless bitch....you guessed it, move on.

I have my own mind, my own tastes, and what I can bring to a relationship is far more fulfilling than just letting you walk over me.

Some people are such fucking cowards. Send me an offensive message because you feel you have the right to attack me randomly, and then block me before I can even respond.

What a fucking joke.

Seriously, people, do you honestly think that telling me how much of a spoilt bitch brat I am is really the best way to get in my pants? Do you think I'm going to fall down at your feet and cry 'I'm so naughty, hurt me!"? Puh-lease. All you're doing by ranting at me about how much I need to be taught a lesson is strengthening my resolve. Have some basic respect for one human to another, and maybe you might actually get a sentence out of me that is not comprised of 'Fuck. Off."

Why is it so wrong of me to want many different things from my partner? I dont know if i'm able to be a submissive or only a bottom. The idea of submissiveness both excites and repels me after the last 6 months. I'll give you one hint. Neglect.

Right now, the thought of loving someone so much, so selflessly, and letting them hurt me that way again, it makes me feel beyond sick. And yet I cant deny the need inside me that both wants to be owned, and to rail against being owned. The only way I can describe it is a captured slave. I know thats a generalist thing to say, but I dont know how else to explain it. Being hunted, taken down and captured, chained and forcibly collared - it all appeals so much to me, as does the thought of being a beloved pet. I didnt say I had to meekly submit. I just want someone to want me enough to own me and care.

I want someone to see me, my fire, my energy and spirit and passion, my hundreds of thousands of interests, my creativity, my never ending thoughts. I want someone who gains pleasure in the simple things in life like watching the sunrise, or walking through a park talking.

I want someone who can look at me running free and wild and say 'I want to own her. I dont want to smother her. I dont want to crush her spirit. I want to be able to show her off, protect her, care for her, love her tender."

I think, if I could find someone like that, who could own me without burying my light, my energy, and could not only enjoy it, but could share it, could embrace it and join in, someone who would dance with me and laugh and live life to its fullest....I think if I could find someone like that, I would give them everything that I am.