candieandie

Master has been having a bad week at work. However i have asked Him every day "How is work?" and He never mentioned anything. How am i supposed be there for Him if He doesn't let me in? 

i have another phone interview tomorrow. i really need something to pan out. Daddy meets his potential sub tomorrow. i really hope it works out. i just want him to be happy. i really need to stop thinking so much and over analyzing everything, but its easier said than done.

i didn't get the job i was hoping to get. Trying to be in the present, but it is hard when all i can think about is the future. i miss Master and serving Him. He gave me a task today and i loved completing it.

Kinky Kollege was awesome as usual. Daddy and Master got along well. I wish i could have served Master more. I was service topping with fire and a looked back at Master and saw Him being serviced and ridden by His sub. I was torn between wanting to serve Him and the people i was topping, but then remember he told me i could top them so i was just doing what He said. I do love serving, but i crave serving Him. I live to serve Him and it has been so long since i have done so. There was drama with Master's sub, i am not sure what it was all about. All i know is Master was not happy. i felt like then i couldn't do anything to please/serve Him. i wish He had a better time at KK and got to attend some classes.

i displeased Master again. Daddy and i were at SINS and this girl was doing henna tattoos. i went outside to the phone area and i tried texting Master and He didn't respond. She was waiting on me so i perceived it as an emergency so i tried calling, but hung up before voicemail kicked in. i texted Him again trying to convey the urgency of the matter. i called again intending to leave a voicemail, but His mailbox was full. He finally responded via text "no!!!!!!". i was honestly surprised at His response. i was expecting Him to say yes. As henna is very temporary so i wouldn't violate any of my rules. i was just trying to understand His reasoning so i asked if i may ask why not. He did not like that question at all. So now He is pissed at me and i don't know how to make it better. i just want to serve and please Him. I do now think that calling Him was overkill, although i perceived it as an emergency in the moment, it really wasn't, and i shouldn't have questioned His answer. i am not the perfect slave, although i normally strive to be. i hope He forgives my transgression.

Last night was just not a good night. In addition to the previously mentioned, i was touched in a way that made me feel uncomfortable (i don't know why i can't just say no) and Daddy and my scence was interrupted thrice. Though would never have happened at GD. i think i going to stay away from SINS.

i am sorry that Master feels i make things all about me when we are at the club, i don't think i do and would never purposely do so, serving Him is always paramount. i live to serve Him, but i am not sure He knows it. i am still hurt. Should i now assume everything is a test? i just don't know what to do or where to go from here. i always try my best...What if my best isn't enough for Him? Sorry if this is overly emotional. #slavethattimeofthemonth

stressed about kk...

Apparently Master is trying out emotional sadism. i dont like it.  At least i got some pretty marks.

i am looking forward to spending the night with Master. i love any time i am given with him.

i still feel like crap, i think its getting worse. i just want to get back to 100%, feeling like it will never happen. i have taken out my frustration out on the people around me and feel awful about it. i disrespected Master and i feel awful. i only hope he forgives my insolence. i love Him and serving Him. i hate that i jeopardized that. i need need to work on redirecting my frustration internally instead of externally.

i love serving Master. Last night was awesome. i am so glad Master had a good time. i have this one little bruise on my cheek that feels awesome every time i touch it. He asked me a while ago what i want for Christmas, but i really cant think of anything except His happiness.

It was great to see and serve Master i missed Him so much. i just wish He didn't feel so bad. Although He back from His vacation i don't feel like He's all the way back. i am looking forward to the pain and limit pushing He promised. He said it has been so long since i have had real pain. Also my brand has faded. it makes me sad. :-(

Daddy is really trying to make up it and did a lot last night. i feel that Friday night was just an aberration. i don't think it will happen again. 

i feel i lost the sense of safety and security that i have when i normally play with Daddy. i know he is upset about it too. i hate this feeling last night was horrible.

Also, i threw something away, but the garbage can had slipped from the can so the item i was throwing away went in between the bag and the can. He wasn't to happy about that. Also, i didn't help Him pack or shave Him, my typical duties and i didn't get a chance to moisturize His boots. i forgot to grab a pillow as i was leaving this morning but did at least remember to take out the trash this time. i did help him do some perk and cleaned His fridge, hopefully that pleased him at least. And He did say dinner was good. i hate that He is leaving and is displeased with me. i am going to miss Him so much. This week is going to be torture...over a whole week of no contact, knowing how we left things, how displeased He is with me with no way to please Him and try make Him not hate me. 

i feel like i can't do anything right. i think He hates me. i am physically sick. now He thinks i am snooping around His house, which i am totally not. i also needed to look up something on the computer and my mouse was being screwy. Only one if my USB ports works. So i used His and saw His browser open to site. i took a pic of it so i would remember to look into it for Daddy. i wasn't intentionally looking for anything. also, he was mad that i was talking about Him to friends on Sat. i started the dishwasher today and i had it on the wrong settings. i didn't know. He had never told me how he does it , but thought that He had. i was suppose to get Him a good hotel rate for His trip but when i went to go book it today the price had gone up. i feel like a complete failure. i hate this. i just want to please Him.

i love that he gave me another daily task, keeping a food diary. i has already made me more conscious of what i am eating and everytime i write something down, i am reminded of my place, as His slave. i love serving Him and love doing any task he gives me.

Master left early this morning for a last minute eight-day cruise. i am going to miss not being able to talk to/text Him multiple times daily as i have always done. it's the talking to Him that helps keep me in check and in my headspace. i tried to do as much as possible for Him before he left. my foot is killing me as a result but serving Him like that was well worth it. i hope He will email me some tasks i can do for Him while He's gone. i do hope He has an excellent time and comes home safely. He touched up my brand last night it looks really good and is really sore, but in a way that constantly reminds me of Him. i love serving Him and would love to be owned by Him if he thinks i am worthy. 

Coming down from yesterday's high...It was unlike anything, i had ever experienced before. i was able to let go completely and trust Master to protect me, even though the first time it got me a mouth full of water. i did some new things for Master. i hope i pleased Him. i love serving Him.

ugh....i feel like crap, but yet i am still craving Master's cum. i want to serve Him mucholy. 

Its now officially my birthday :-) i had a fun day today with my family and even bought myself a birthday present...an ipad mini!!!

i am supposed to have lunch with my mom today but i keep just randomly bursting out in tears...i cant help it. if i have completely ruined things with Him i will be devastated. 

i got to talk to Master on the phone today for a few minutes. i love hearing His voice. i feel bad for keeping him up though :-(

Good news: my eye is ok!! i dont feel like doing much of anything today. i feel kind of Blah, but i shouldn't, i got a job that i start on the 29th, i got to serve Master less than a week ago, my website www.honeybeekink.com launched and my birthday is in 10 days. So with all that why to i feel like this? :-/

Yay for Officer Master!!! i love You and am so happy that this ordeal is finally over!!

its late. i will really write something tomorrow. goodnight

So the decision pending Master's reinstatement was postponed. i feel really bad and want to cheer Him up, but i feel like He is pushing me away. I asked Him about "Masternapping" Him tomorrow but He said He was in a bad mood and said that we would chat later, but i havent heard from Him yet. i have a lot planned in my mind for tomorrow, but i don't even know if He wants to spend time with me and let me serve Him and cheer Him up.

i just want to feel better....

Today i had a Micro Plantar Fasciotomy. It went well (until i woke up in the middle of if but was promptly knocked out again after making my coherent status know to the Or staff). i am sore and have been pretty much sleeping all day, only waking up to eat and take meds. i hope Master stops by tomorrow. He said he would try. i feel like is "need" him like is used to need my mommy when i was sick...its kinda unnerving.

i need to go to bed. i get to see Master tomorrow hopefully our visit will end me feeling neglected. i am excited that Master received promising news today.

i got to serve Master for a little bit today. i found out he hasn't been reading my journal entries. i haven't told Him some stuff because i figured He would read it in my journal but he hasn't read it.

He decided that as punishment he would not go with me to the club this weekend. i kinda figured he wouldn't anyway. He said that if i wasn't being punished he would have gone, but i do think so, He doesn't seem that interested in the community or playing in public. i told myself that i would never play with or be with someone who doesn't play in play in public and we have yet to play in public. #brokenrule

He thinks that Him going to club with me is just something i want. but it is something i perceive as a need. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, love and belonging, i need the that social interaction and relationships that only being active in the community can bring. Doing it alone is something i can deal with but to truly fulfill this need, i need to attend events with Master. it also, makes me feel owned and meets my self-esteem needs in that it shows that Master is proud to have me as a slave and is willing to publicly acknowledge our relationship. Playing in public with Master, i need this for my headspace. Playpartners and friends can't get me to the that super slavish space that playing with Master in the dungeon can bring.

But since Master thinks it is just a want, it s not a need. He says eventually he will come with me... eventually is a vast indefinite amount of time, #iwontwaitforever

Tomorrow is Friday!!! yay! i have a busy weekend ahead of me. Hopefully i will have some time to make floggers. The vendor fair is 2 weeks away. i need product desperately.

i asked Master about going to the city with me next weekend but he never responded i hope he is still able to go. i would love to serve Him at the club.

Got to spend some time with Master this afternoon. Cleared up some stuff. i know that his daughter will always come first and i am more than okay with that, i respect it immensely  i was just crazy hormonal after getting my period for the first time in 3 months and said so stuff i really didn't mean.

He still hasn't decided on a punishment yet for forgetting to call him. i hope He decides soon. i want to take my well-deserved punishment, move on and make sure it doesn't happen happen.

i learned how to make a fried egg sandwich and tried some of Master's. its not my favorite but will gladly eat it if he wishes me to. Hopefully next time i can try making one for Master.

i love that i am still wearing His cum on me and will proudly wear it to munch tonight. i will use my plug when i get home.

i hate feeling like this. i just want to make it better. i want Him to be happy. i don't want him disappointed in me. i don't know how to make it better other than not letting it happen again. Which i will try my best to make sure that it wont. He hasn't said more than a sentence to me today and that was only in response to a question i had. i wish he would talk to me. He said that punishment didn't work before, but maybe ignoring me is his way of punishing me. i would love to hear about how He is doing,  His day, how His weekend was, what His plans are for the week...i just want Him to say something to me, for Him to let me know He doesn't hate me...maybe he does. i don't know. i just want to please and serve Him, to be His. His pleasure is my pleasure and since He is not pleased, neither am i. its my fault, i broke a rule...for the second time. God, i suck at life. i just hope He knows how sorry i am...how destroyed i am inside that He is disappointed in me.

i used my plug Yesterday for the required 5 min.

Last night started off with a Newcomer’s Social at GD2. i hung out with my friends and talked to a few new people. i also showed off the new toys i made and delivered two floggers. After the Social was a class called Guerrilla Bottoming. i enjoyed it. After the class i went to dinner at Pizza Hut with some people. There was this lady sitting alone at the restaurant who i recognized form the club earlier i told everyone at our table and we invited her to come sit with us. She was very happy to join us.

We when back to the club and then hang out and socialized. my Dom friend J. joined us. it was his first time at GD and he really liked. We hung out for a bit and then I gave him a tour. After the tour i asked him if I could get him something to drink. i got Him, water (He is a waterholic and i got him several refills throughout the night) and brought it to Him. There was no more room on the couches so i sat at his feet and almost immediately got into an amazing headspace. We hung out for a long time and then the play started.

This club member Top R. had this crazy rubber ball flogger that i wanted try and feel and He was happy to oblige. It felt like 4 punches at once and was super thuddy and pain inducing. Next, my friend B., a female top took her turn hitting me with it. She handed back over to R. and he alternated hitting be with this super stingy ball chain flogger i made and the rubber ball flogger. The difference in sensations was incredible. While i was being flogger J. came around and pinched my nipples. i came several times with permission from J as the flogging and nipple play ensued. After the scene was over J and i watched B in total Domme mode in a Foot Fetish scene. It was rather amusing. During the scene J told me to massage His shoulder it did and got into crazy subspace that i actually came from giving him a shoulder rub, We hung out a while longer and then J. left.

Someone had returned B’s Neon wand to Her sometime during the night so i asked if she would do me. She said Yes. It was awesome. She had me sit on the contact thing and then for me She turned it all the way up. She used lots of different metallic implements on me, including the metal flogger i made and this scratcher nail things. They hurt like heck.  i came a few times during our scene too.

Right after that scene N. tested out my new rope flogger on me, the ends were crazy stingy, but the sides of the falls were thuddy. He continued alternating between the thuddy and stingy until i could feel the heat radiating from my back. He was Top high and i was sub high.

As i was walking to the dressing room to get dressed i saw a scene in which a Top was playing saxophone while getting head from bottom. It was awesome and he was actually good. i then got dressed as i left i was really giggly and really sub high. This high caused me to forget to text Master goodnight. i realized in the morning when i woke up and immediately felt awful. He is disappointed in me and i absolutely hate it.  i don’t want Him disappointed. i only want Him happy and pleased. i had previously forgot to say Good Morning. So now that i have done it once for both i will be diligent in making sure it never ever happens again. Pleasing Master and not disappointing Him is my priority.

i used my plug tonight for the required 5 min.

i am writing this entry with a plug in my ass. it is still sore from being fucked then later plugged yesterday. i had to do 15 minutes with the plug yesterday and today because i didn't obey Master's orders. i really just want to please him.

Tonight i made 2 floggers. i still have 2 more to make to catch up on my orders. i also began working on a ball chain flogger. i am a little excited about it.

Tomorrow (or i guess later today) is the Newcomer's Social. i still bummed that Master wont be there but i know i will have a good time anyway. Ok two more minutes with the plug. nighty night.

i am about to leave to go meet my bff for dinner/drinks. i left work early to go to Master's. i had a good time serving him like always and am still feeling the after effects in my ass, but mainly on my arm where he did this pinchy twisty thing. it hurts but is bruised and every time i feel it i am like ow and then i think of Master and smile. Still bummed about Sat but definitely not crying. i think Master thinks i am crazy....oh well. 

Master is coming over like now. i figured i would write until he got here. So far my day has been rather productive. i worked, did two loads of laundry done, perved , masturbated and came once, bought a book on leather braiding.

So change of plans, Master is not coming over today. We are getting together tomorrow instead. Also he told me he won’t be coming to club with me on Sat. i am devastated. i was really looking forward to it and i told all my friends He was coming. i understand that His daughter comes first but couldn't He have said He had plans on Sat already and asked for another weekend instead? i know i don’t come first but right now i don’t feel like i rank at all at any level of importance to Him at all. i don’t think he knows how important this Sat was too me. He said we can go on the 25^th instead but that is the weekend of IML and there isn't a Newcomers Social or a class and all my friends won’t be there. Also, Its Memorial Day weekend what happens if things change again and he gets his daughter that weekend too? Then what? He told me to play with myself until i give myself 3 good orgasms but i can’t stop crying to even think about masturbating. Damn my period for making me emotional.

So tonight started off with an ageplay class at GD2.  i have realized 100% that i am not a little. i don’t see myself ever being one or into that. It is just not my kink. i do like some ageplay, though.... doctor-patient daddy-daughter teacher-student. Those are all considered ageplay as the definition of ageplay is simply playing an age that is something other than your own. There are some similarities between ageplay and M/s relationships though because there are things like having rules, check-ins, timeouts, having to go to corner and think about what you did which occur both in ageplay and M/s.

After the class i went out to dinner to McDonald's with my friend Nick we had some good conversation. When we got back the club i stripped-down my clothes only wearing my bra and panties. i socialized for a while and then i played with Seph, the Dom who made my business cards.  At first he tried using this double ended flogger he created but it didn't work too well. So then he had me move to a cross so i was a little higher and started flogging me with normal floggers but also he had a chainmail flogger which stung like crazy but made some cool little bruises.

i socialized some more and was talking to this girl with Seph and it turns out she had never given head before and Seth volunteered to show her so we ended up in the semi private room. i sat next to her on the couch while she started the sucking him. He started to pull my hair while she was sucking him, making me cum. They had not negotiated swallowing or spitting any of that stuff so they eventually stopped. We had previously discussed him fucking my titties and so he started to do that. i came really hard while he was fucking my tits. He was wearing a condom but some of his cum got out and got on my tit. The girl was kind of curious about what cum tasted so she licked it of my tit.

i socialized some more again and then showed Nick the new strap that Tony got me. He asked if i ever experienced it and i said not really. So we decided to test it out. He had me get on the cross again and went to town. It hurt/stung really bad, maybe more so because my ass had already been beaten earlier, but it left some really cool bruises. We also learned that it is strictly and ass only implement as i asked him to try it once on my back and it hurt like a mother Master and not in a good way. i watched a couple scenes,  hung out and chatted with friends that came to club later in the night for the rest of the night

Physical needs should always come before emotional needs. i'm sorry if this wasn't conveyed properly in our earlier conversation Master. If our physical needs don't get met, the results can be catastrophic. While it may feel like it is the end of the world, not getting our emotional needs met is not as bad in the scheme of things.

It is nearly impossible to function as a man, let alone a Master if you're not healthy. As a Master, You carry a great deal of responsibility on Your shoulders and if Your medical needs are not met it makes that responsibility nearly impossible to bear. Illness also affects Your master headspace. 

If Your medical needs are not met it affects the both of our safety during play. It also puts You at risk of getting sicker. Being sick also makes performing normal task or activities very difficult.

Regardless of whether it is a physical or emotional need, the bottom line is that a slave i do not have any power, it is You the Master, that has the power. Your needs are paramount in this power exchange, for my purpose, my role is fulfilled by serving You and seeing to Your needs.

Knowing that Your needs have been met, You are happy and Your life has been made easier is where my pleasure stems from. You should always be put first regardless of my mood, feelings, thoughts and needs. i cannot bear the thought of anything upsetting You, disappointing You or causing You stress.

You have authority over all things (with the exception of my marriage) in my life. With this authority comes the right to have all Your needs fulfilled and i as Your slave, must make meeting those needs my priority and ultimate concern.

All my choices should be based on whether they meet Your needs or not. My focus is pleasing, serving and obeying You whether i am in Your presence of not. Doing this is far more important and satisfying than anything else.

i should trust that You will structure my service to You in a way that makes me feel useful and that You will provide me guidance to meet Your needs to best of by abilities. Also that You will clearly communicate Your expectations, so i can have a clear understanding of what i need to do to meet Your needs.

Serving, pleasing and obeying You is the foundation of my Slavery to You. You are the decision-maker and will come to know me and my needs better than i do, but if Your needs are not met, then You can't possibly begin meet mine, some of which are simply met by the fulfillment of Your needs.