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Female Switch, 59, Las Vegas, Nevada
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Female Submissive, 34, Southern CA, California
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Male Submissive, 32, Milano
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About CalicoKitty
I label myself as a switch here and I believe that is for the most part accurate. I do, however, find I have a more submissive nature..but the few times I have been able to assume a Domme role I have thoroughly enjoyed it and I find myself fantasizing about exploring that side of myself much more in the future.
Admittedly, it takes a lot of effort for me to be that assertive though. I am under the assumption that I will be better prepared to play that role once I have started at the bottom (quite literally) and served an experienced Master/Mistress who can show me the proverbial ropes.
Right now I am really looking to be trained, intensely, as a sub/pet..
I have had very little luck, here and in my day to day life, finding people in this lifestyle that I click w/ and respect as people..and who, to put it very frankly, aren't just melodramatic windbags or completely socially retarded.
It's also very important to me that the person be capable of a life outside the scene as I have and intend to maintain. I have an infant daughter and am very actively involved and devoted to my family and friends. I won't let my sexual proclivities hinder these things in any way.
My ideal Master or Mistress would be mature, responsible and reasonably established and comfortable in their personal life. ( Meaning you have your shit together and won't be asking me for rides, money, or a place to stay..)
They should be well-read and articulate but not a know it all..someone w/ a sense of humor who knows when not to take things too seriously.
They should be very firm, but not cruel..I won't respect or learn anything from someone who is lax..but I don't desire or need any extreme humiliation or abuse either, just strict discipline and honest guidance.
I need to belong to someone deserving of my complete devotion and servitude.
I wonder if you are out there and if I will ever find you...
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So I tried a monogamous relationship for about a month..just not my thing folks, he was too vanilla..but he agreed to open up the relationship tonight and yeh, I'm on the prowl and fiending for some kink, so holler atcha girl lol? (seriously..it's been a while since I've had any decent abuse, holler! XD)
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"People pass you by,passing up the chance to know you.
They're irregular in the usual way.
You should crack a smile once in a while, it makes you pretty.
It makes you want to give them a piece of your mind.
But they can't be people,
not if I'm one.
If I have to be like them I'd rather be no one.
Couldn't make the scene,not with all the people looking.
All these connoisseurs on guard all the time.
Rather spend the day blank as hell by the window looking out of my stained glass eyes..." -Elliott Smith (August 6, 1969 - October 21, 2003)
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Ok,so I felt I should update anyone who cares as my situation has been through a lot of changes,as well as my outlook..someone mentioned recently something about one of my journal posts and I realized reading back through my previous entries that I sound like a fucking basket case..lol
And honestly,at the time,I was.
I had never had anyone close to me die,and the woman who was basically a second mother to me all my life had just passed away out of nowhere.
Then the horrible falling out and inevitable split w/ my husband of eight years and suddenly finding myself a single mother was beyond terrifying.
So admittedly,I was desperate and lonely and needing comfort and affection..so I threw myself at the first boy who made me a pretty mix cd and clung to him like my life depended on it.
Hindsight..sigh.
The poor thing was probably completely overwhelmed by the can of worms he opened when he met me! I hardly blame him now for ditching the complete train wreck I was the first chance he got.
I wouldn't have been able to run fast enough if it had been me. lol
After a few months of focusing on myself,my family and my friends though, I can honestly say I have come to my senses once again.
The LAST thing I want or need right now is a relationship..atleast in the classic sense of the word. I have come to realize over time that I am polyamorous.
I feel very at home w/ the idea of a best friends w/ benefits type relationship..no jealousy, no ownership of any kind...the lines of communication always open, everything always open for discussion.
Now apply this to a bdsm scenario and obviously it makes a 24/7 power exchange impossible..but I don't want that anyway.
I've come to realize that on a sexual and even emotional level..what I really require is simply someone who honestly likes me,respects me and enjoys my company that I can feel the same way about and w/ whom I can explore and push my limits sexually.
Casual affection is nice too..but I'm done w/ romantic love for now....it's too complicated..asks too much..feels impossible to me currently.
Maybe someday someone will prove me wrong..but as I said,right now I'd be perfectly content w/ a very kinky, genuine friend to have fun w/ and broaden my horizons.
Are you out there?
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So he's gone now,been gone for a month..I had to break his nose to get him to leave,but somehow I knew,in the end,bloodshed was what it was going to take,and I'll be damned if it was gonna be mine.
So now I've been really free to play the field,explore myself,etc....it started out fun,then I met this boy...and we were so compatable,I felt like I had known him forever...I think I kinda fell for him pretty hard,but it soon became apparent that the feeling wasn't mutual...
It took a while to figure it out,cause he would still write me and call me and act like he cared about me,but then he just kinda stopped...and I was left w/ the realization that he was "just being nice" and didn't want to hurt my feelings,but that he really "wasn't that into me".
The whole thing has really crushed me,I guess being in an 8 year monogomous relationship w/ a hateful, selfish, emotionally distance man w/ no libido will take it's toll on you,and has definitely left me much more emotionally needy than I believe I was before.
I used to play it so cool when I was a kid,and I was doing so good w/ resuming that outlook,having casual sex,rising above all the sappy,emotional hangups,the jealousy,the needy-ness.
Then all it took was one boy,and now it's all ruined! My emotional independance,so hard-won..and he makes me a perfect mix cd,seriously Makes Love! to me during what was only meant to be a one night stand,he's so rediculously funny,and bright,and talented and easy going,not to mention absolutely beautiful...and now he wants nothing to do w/ me,and it's killing me.
It's tainting all the other experiances I've had since...everyone I meet gets measured against him and comes up SORELY lacking...all their flaws only reminding me of how wonderful he is,being w/ them only making me realize how much more I'd rather be w/ him.
And on top of all this,since my ex has left I've just been financially drowning,the bills keep piling up and there's no hope in sight as of yet..I'm having to consider leaving a job I love for a corporate,conformist job in retail or food service just so I can depend on SOME KIND of steady income,since as a piercer I only make commission and w/ the economy being what it is....
THEN,on top of all that my Papa...the only father I've ever known and sole patriarch of our family since my Gramma died last year...he left a neatly typed letter on my mother's bed yesterday saying he could no longer associate w/ any of us being a Jehovah's Witness,since we were all basically in satan's service since we WEREN'T Jehovah's witnesses.
My family is very close...Gramma's death shook us and left us terribly wounded...but I think this might destroy us,it's too much,too soon...
And me?? All I want to do is just rip out my heart..it just hurts too much to care. I was seriously considering just running away for a year or so,just saying fuck it all..letting my mom and the baby's father take care of my daughter for a while and just running the roads until I figure some stuff out,figure myself out...find a purpose or find contentment w/out purpose...I feel like if I don't do something,just break out of this rut,I'm going to really lose it...
And the way I am right now,just existing,trying to keep breathing,self medicating to distract from the misery and futility of human existance....no one should have to be around me like this....apathy is contagious..and it's not fair to my daughter...
But now I can't just run away,my mom is taking the thing w/ my Papa so badly and I can't leave her...there's always something keeping me here...I don't think I'll ever escape,I'll probably be stuck here forever,wishing I had got out while I had my youth..but that will be gone soon enough too.
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Well,Happy New Year CollarMe Deviants XD
How was 2008 for you? Mine was one long rollarcoaster ride across the emotional gauntlet. I visited the big city for the first time...ATLANTA...and fell head over heels in love w/ it...got my first taste of the scene,made alot of brilliant and talented friends..then out of no where my wonderful,sweet,amazing gramma passed away in March leaving my whole family heartbroken and dazed from the trauma...then like her passing was a catalyst or simply an omen for bad things to come,my husband and I started having "irreconcilable differences"...in the mean time I did have some crazy,wonderful times in Macon and ATL w/ my BFF and a whole lot of other incredible,lovely people I know,and some I don't..o.0..but at home it seemed like things went from bad to worse incredibly fast until finally as the year came to a close I was forced to tell my husband to leave.
Addition: He's not gone yet,not possible financially right now..but we're working on it. All in all I'm optimistic about the whole thing..I think it will be good for both of us to have the time and the space to just work on ourselves for a while.
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