caddyscornertime

I wrote this the summer of last year, but now I need to amend and update it.  

Being mono versus being poly...the eternal question.  

My first relationships were poly and most of my relationships since then have been open or poly.  I've had a good amount of practice in that arena.  However, I consider myself a mono girl who just happens to find herself in poly relationships.  I rarely suggest being poly.  It's mostly my partners who bring it up.  But not always.  I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that.  Either way, being poly doesn't exactly over joy me because what's the motive behind it?  Am I not enough?  Is it a free ticket to hook up with other people without guilt?  Is there something missing in the relationship?  The questions go on and on.  

Given my history with poly relationships, could I be successful in a mono relationship for the long run?  I don't know.  That depends on the state of my primary relationship.  Sometimes you need to escape into the arms of another.  In turn, your partner may also want solace with someone else.  But running to others doesn't fix your problems at home, so escape can't be the sole reason for choosing a poly arrangement.  It's always easier being the person with the multiple relationships than watching your partner enjoy multiple relationships.  

Some relationships can only work if they're poly.  Sometimes mental or sexual needs cannot be filled by a sing person, or even more difficult, sometimes a couple's needs are in conflict.  You take a sub/sub couple who love each other deeply, but neither of them is getting their true D/s fix.  They have to go outside the primary relationship for that.  Additionally, sometimes people differentiate their D/s figure from their bf/gf/husband/wife/partner.  A girl may have her Dom and she may also have a separate significant other, too.  One person fulfills her need to serve, her masochistic desire, her secret longing for humiliation.  The other person is the man she wants to be the father of her children.  They don't have to be mutually exclusive, but sometimes they are so both parties serve differing demands.  

I suppose as long as all parties are honest and in agreement, and needs are being met and nurtured, that's all that matters.  As difficult as handling one relationship is, juggling multiple relationships amps up the complications exponentially.  Of course, it helps if the type of relationship doesn't overlap.  If you have one male partner and one female partner, you're getting your needs met by two different types of people.  If you have a bull Dom and a cuckold husband, you're getting your needs met by two different types of people.  Things get much messier when you have multiple relationships that overlap in the same ways.  Basically, it's much more problematic to have two Doms at once.  Two people who perform the same role in your life.  That's almost inevitably going to breed jealousy and malcontent.  

Some people do the poly thing very successfully.  I'd like to think that I did.  Many people are happy doing so.  However, like my sexuality, my view on relationships is evolving right now, too, so I'm not sure where I fall on the mono-poly scale.  Both have pluses and minuses.  I'm currently, technically, in an open relationships, but I'm leaning heavily on leaving that behind and being monogamous again with a totally separate person.  Per usual, I can do the poly thing just fine, but my interest is waning.  I like the notion of being a single unit with my one partner.  I really like the idea of people thinking of my one partner and me as a "couple," as opposed to thinking of me having looser ties with a bunch of other people.  

Since I wrote that, I did, indeed, leave my open relationships for a monogamous one.  Part of me worries that I'll cheat, but I know to just not put myself in the situation.  Just don't make it a possibility and that way I don't have to worry about it.  I have no desire to cheat, though, but given my history with looser boundaries in my relationships, it's something I think about.  

I'm with the most monogamous partner I have ever had.  No competition.  He's far, far on the monogamous side of the scale.  I'm either going to get used to it or it's going to stifle me.  It's a prerequisite for this relationship.  Total monogamy.  I've had to really adjust my behavior, which isn't a bad thing.  But it is a "thing."  

I've been reading a lot lately about mono people with poly partners and about learning compersion.  Compersion is important in any relationship, but it becomes more challenging when you're a mono to a poly.  In my last open relationship, I was mostly monogamous and I never asked what my partner did.  I knew he wanted to do whatever it was that he did, but I also knew that he would have a hard time dealing with me having others in my life.  I was essentially a mono to a poly.  But I had the option and eventually I used that option.  To the devastation of that relationship.  Like I said, it's easier to be the one with multiple relationships than watching your partner have them.  I'm not sure that I would be happy being completely mono to someone who wasn't mono in return.  We're either all in or we're not.  

October 3, 2013

This is so painful.

But I have to let you go.  You don't love me, no matter how much I've loved you.  You don't want me.  You don't even care about me.  And I have loved you so much, through everything you've put me through, but I have to let you go.  You never even let me serve you properly.  I put my entirely life on hold.  For you.  I loved you.  And now I'm releasing that.  There's nothing tying me to you and there hasn't been in a very long time.  I don't even know why I've put up with it for so long.  I don't have to.  I guess I'm not going to.

I've been fucked over this year.  By people who were close to me.  And I guess by you, too.  No, I don't have to "guess."  Your behavior has been deplorable.  You used to be my rock.  No longer.  Now you're a hollow voice on the other end and that's all you've been for longer than I like to remember.  You have neglected me.  Horribly.  You don't even try.  Quite frankly, I don't know what I deserve, but I deserve a heck of a lot better than what you give me.  Or rather, what you don't give me.

I have a chance to start something new and really special with someone, but some part of me has maybe been pining for you.  I can't do that.  It's time for me to move on.  Without you.  You're a terrible piece of my past.  I've never put so much into someone who gave me so little.  You know that I loved you.  But I won't anymore.  I don't want to lose what I'm building, what I deserve.  I don't want to risk my chance for real happiness and intimacy.

I've had my longing re-sparked.  I've had my want to serve reignited.  There's a flame under me again.  There's passion.  Exploration.  Domination.  He treats me like I'm important.  Like I matter.  Like there is no other like me.  And I want to treat him the same.  He deserves that, too.  You, however, do not deserve it.  You're not worth of my devotion.  Or my heart.  Or even my thoughts.  I am cleansing myself of you.

I wish you nothing but the best, though.  You were a very important person in my life and I've done nothing but support all your dreams.  There's really nothing I want more for you than for you to get and do what you want.  That's what I've always wished for you.  And that's what I still wish for you.  And I hope you wish the same for me.  Take care of yourself because I intend to take care of me now.

I'm not yours anymore.  I'm moving on to my future.  You are my past.  And for the most part, not a particularly good past.  And now it's time to put my past squarely in the past.  I have a bright future and I can now focus on what's at hand.  I finally have the chance to be happy and to make someone else happy.  I can now give my full attention the the one who holds me at night.  The one who kisses me in the morning.  The one who makes me smile when I'm frustrated.  I can be the true slave that I am.  I can serve mind, body and soul.  And I so long to do that.  It gives me joy and peace.  It makes me whole and complete.  You shattered me and he has rebuilt me.  I don't need to compromise myself or my servitude.  I don't seek your approval anymore.

This is so painful, but I've let you go...

Originally written 10/23/2009 10:47:31 AM

I fear fire.  I don't fear death...unless it's death by fire.  Of course, surviving a terrible fire sounds even more excruciating than dying by it.  I was never a mini-pyro.  However, despite my very sound & very justifiable fear, I have now entered the world of fire play.  Strange, odd things happen mentally & emotionally when you're terrified of fire & someone sets you aflame...I braced myself.  I braced myself for horrible pain, for something to go wrong, for a nauseating smell, for me to pee myself...but none of that came.  It was a sound that came...the sound of the trail of fire blazing up the backs of my legs, my ass, my back.  The wet/dry feeling of the alcohol, followed by the sound, put me in a tense lull.  I was listening to the sound of my body being set on fire, as a consenting & willing participant.  Very conflicting, mentally & emotionally.

However, I worked to refocus myself to simply be & to experience the sensation.  The fire was brushing against me, like that of a beloved Death Valley breeze.  I find myself absolutely enchanted by wind, especially when it doesn't bite & chill me, when it engulfs me in a quiet warmth.  The feeling of the fire proved rather similar.  It moved across my skin gently & instead of causing me consternation, it elicited ease.  This is where sub space puts you.  This is where sub space put me.  Of course, the intense conflict of my mental terror with my emotional peace, or was it my emotional terror with my mental peace...?...it ran deeply.

It's all a balancing act.  Facing your fears, heeding your calling, confronting your judgments, fulfilling your needs...without damaging yourself, without utter chaos & self-destruction.  Without damaging others.  Being broken.  Without being broken.

Originally written 6/11/2009 2:35:56 AM

i feel so broken.  Why is it all (& only) my fault?  Regardless of who "started it," there were things that have not been communicated to the full understanding of the other party on both sides, at many points along the way.  It doesn't particularly matter if either of us feels as though His/her point has been made clearly, if it isn't fully recognized by the receiving person.  Certain changes/progressions/etc. i need to make?  i will make them.  i am confused, though.  If i was really not communicating at all (even if it was slow-going at times), why even consider bringing in another party yet?  If things are at a point where it's a reasonable consideration (which is apparently the case), then how can there be a claim that i don't communicate?  There must be things that aren't being said/communicated/related to me.  

i am the first to admit that i'm not particularly comfortable with outward emotional expression.  It's counter intuitive to discuss feelings while keeping myself from becoming vulnerable.  i don't want to fight, though.  i enjoy a thorough physical beating, not a psychological one; the emotional bruises are difficult to sustain.  i'll give whatever is wanted of me.  i'll offer all that i have.  i'll do what is expected.  i'll express it all freely.  i'm learning to see it as an extension of yielding my unhesitant will to His desire & for His pleasure.  But tonight, i am broken.

Originally written 6/10/2009 11:47:24 PM    

Two bottles of wine with Claudia later...

i don't really understand the point of journaling (in a public form, no less) if i'm not communicating a point (or points).  Why am i doing this if it's for naught, if i'm not communicating my thoughts & feelings?  To recap, to emphasize, to reiterate...the same information, regardless of what it is, feels exceedingly different to me when i see it in print.  i know that we talked about things last night.  i remember.  i don't want a recap or need to "rehash," but when i see the situation in print, & when the whole world can see the same information in print, it definitely takes on a completely new level of realism.  It's not about it happening now or never; it's about the idea being put into action.  When i see it in print, i see an idea actually being put into action, as opposed to it still being just idle thoughts.  Steps are being taken.  Whether the top is ever reached is not the point; sometimes the journey has just as much of an impact.  

Not to mention that i said i already felt like i was being thrown into the deep end, anyway.  i'm acclimating to everything all at once.  i barely have time to adjust to one thing before the next is laid upon me & we haven't even been in the same state for two weeks.  i've come to terms with the notion of being disciplined by someone else (not to mention the plethora of other developments in the previous fortnight).  The reason i've come to terms with it is because i already recognized its underlying potential & because it's the best friend.  i understand the level of respect that is warranted to the best friend/s;  i understand the level of trust placed in/on him.  But that's already another party involved-  i'm still learning to accept that idea.  

Additionally, looking back on the conversation, within my first three texts i mentioned that my reaction was because "hearing does not have the same impact as seeing for me."  Talking about the ad is not the same as seeing it.  As i've journaled before, seeing words solidifies them for me.  i react more strongly when i see an idea in print.  i don't know how much more i can reiterate that.  The impatience for me was palatable from the onset.  Asked if i was okay...i was in the shower.  As soon as i saw, i replied that the impatience was quite noted & i'd deal with it all myself.  By the following response, my very next response, i said that i just needed some reassurance- at 4:27pm.  i literally stated nearly every text from then that i was just seeking some reassurance, while i kept receiving replies about my lack of communication.  i certainly was communicating- that's what i needed.  It wasn't until 6:14pm, following a volley of angry texts shot in my direction, that i was finally granted the few comforting words i sought.  Thankfully.  Despite whatever false beliefs, i wasn't the one who was frustrated & impatient & i didn't want to rehash or email things- i just wanted to hear something nice.  No matter how many times i said that, it didn't seem to matter.  i never care who's "right" or "wrong"; it doesn't matter what the situation is, i'm always just looking for that bit of comfort, whether it's verbal or physical.  

i wasn't trying to be frustrating or annoying, i'm sorry that i was, but i've been bombarded.  i'm a little bit overloaded & we've had one single conversation on the topic.  One.  One conversation on an uncomfortable topic does not a comfort level make.  i'm happy, i'm comfortable (in general), i'm content, i'm trusting, but that doesn't mean that i can absorb so much & be comfortable with it overnight, especially when written words impact me greater than verbal words.  i just need reassurance.  i don't want to do battle to get it.  i don't want to feel like i'm arguing (which is bit unnerving for me in this dynamic, anyway).  Please just be nice when i need nice for a moment.  i understand that i probably need a lot of strict discipline, but this was not a situation of me disregarding rules or being disrespectful or intentionally snarky...

i'm not trying to be difficult.  i'm sorry for being frustrating.  Telling me about what a failure i am as a communicator while i'm repeating my needs is difficult for me, too.  Moreover, i'm facing a situation that extremely uncomfortable for me.  i've never been involved with a woman in a way that wasn't romantically linked.  i have only had long-term relationships with women.  my long-term relationships were not for the pleasure/etc. of another.  Additionally, yes, i am a submissive wanting & needing discipline & use, but i'm also an adamant feminist.  Feminism means that as a woman, i have the choice to be whichever & whatever type of woman makes me happiest (which for me is a good girl & a doting pet), but it also means that i have a difficult time watching another woman be degraded.  Yes, i understand that feminism means that she also has the option of enjoying consensual humiliation, but it strikes my protective core, nonetheless.  my fledgling monogamous relationship is on the hunt for another woman to abase.

i need time to adjust.  i need to be granted patience.  i need reassurance...i will need reassurance more than once.  i need to simply have physical presence again.  i do not want to frustrate.  i do not want to disappoint.  i do not want to argue/justify.  i do not want to feel insecure.  i understand my place.  i understand that my limits will be pushed.  i understand that my purpose is not about my own pleasure.  i understand that i need to be guided deeper into my submission.  i want to evolve.  i want to surrender that control.  i want the freedom that comes with submission.  i want to be pleasing...

Originally written 6/6/2009 5:28:32 PM

Having a hard time concentrating.  Not focused.  Easily sidetracked.  Today.  Last night.  For the last few days.  my priorities are terribly askew...never a good thing.  Suddenly transitioning from feeling exceedingly accepting and grateful of all things to these feelings of borderline defiance and smugness & back again.  Perhaps i'm just pushing the boundaries?  Testing the chain for weak links...they're always there.  i just have to find them.  That odd relationship i have with being denied...yeah...i'm not ever denied.  Even when people think that they deny me, it's never actually the case.  Even when i'm denied momentarily or occasionally, it's never very long or more than once.  And it takes a long long time before that happens at all.  That, in & of itself, makes me feel quite in control, of people, of situations, etc.  Those temporary occasions when i face denial...i secretly like it.  Not so secretly anymore, i suppose.  

i hesitate & squirm too much & my insolent streak finally caught up with me last night.  Between trying to argue/justify my own irrelevant points & then questioning His...no good.  At that point, of course i didn't want to be denied.  But it was worth it.  i like being told "NO."  It makes me want it more.  Of course.  Anyway, i needed to be reminded of my place.  my body & will belong to my Owner without argument or hesitation.  It's not about a power struggle.  There would be no struggle in total submission, anyway.  Denial certainly does refocus me; it realigns those elusive priorities of mine.  i'm never denied for long, though...

i've certainly made up for last night's denial threefold today.  Possibly even more by the end of the night.  Part of me feels quite glib about that, but the better part of me recognizes that again, it's not a power struggle.  i was generously granted a privilege, but i haven't "gotten away" with anything.  It just feels that way because i was only denied the one time last night; therefore, my impression that denial is merely temporary & does not happen more than maybe once...remains.  

Maybe it is true that it's been too long & i'm too bold in the face of no immediate consequences.  i actually don't like that audacious feeling- i want to have that stripped from me.  In any case, i shouldn't behave because i fear consequences; i should behave because it's the will of my Owner.  i should behave because it's what is expected of me by Him & that's what i should expect of myself, as well.

Originally written 6/5/2009 2:00:22 AM

Why i'm expected to show my Owner's friends as much respect as i show Him...

Because being disrespectful to His friends is disrespectful to Him, in addition to my behavior being a reflection of His abilities as my Dom...

And, of course, i want to be a well-mannered pet.

i am feeling rather willful, though.  i don't know why.  It is not because it's been too long since my last reminder of who's in charge.  Quite the contrary, actually- with my Owner away, i should have much more luxury to do as i please & get away with it, but i have had many new restrictions placed on me, which make me keenly aware of the power dynamic.  It isn't that...i think part of feeling willful has to do with actually seeing the words...Written words are powerful things & much more difficult to deny later.  Spoken words are up for interpretation, being misquoted, forgotten, ignored, or blatantly disclaimed.  Things become solidified when they're written (not that they're any less valuable in actuality when spoken, it just feels that way sometimes).

Additionally...
i essentially got "caught" for being "snarky" to my Owner's best Dom friend (not intimidated by him, no).  i knew that i had been.  i actually thought the word "snarky" at the time of the transgression, but it's still just...i don't know...annoying to think of being disciplined by someone else.  To understand that someone else has the authority to discipline me when need be...Yes, i knew perfectly well that the possibility existed, but to be told in no uncertain terms is a bit different.  Essentially, being disciplined for the pleasure of a person other than my Dom makes me feel willful.

Of course, i recognize that my annoyance about the situation in no way changes the situation.  i also realize that i shouldn't have behaved so boldly from the onset.  Being submissive to my Owner's friends obviously just further adds to my overall submission, which is a positive thing (whether i want to admit/accept/acknowledge it or not), but of course i want things on my own terms, which is counterproductive (& usually cause for more discipline).  Here is where i need to practice self-control & acceptance- here is my realm of control, not outside this realm.

i apologize for being so audacious...

Originally written 6/3/2009 12:59:04 AM

Ah, yes, very awkward indeed...
Private thoughts are private for a reason.  But then again, i suppose i'm trying to overcome this particular need for privacy...want for privacy?  Need for privacy.  Regardless, i suppose that i'm learning that what i think my needs are may not necessarily coordinate with what they should be, what they are in reality, what they will be, what is expected of me, or how they can alter or acclimate to change.  i have a lot of change right now- some of it good & some of it better, but none of it bad.  A transitioning mindset, a transitioning body.  A transfer of control from one to another.  The struggle to maintain or to regain that control.  i can't control others; all i can do is control myself.  Without that control, what control have i?  Transitioning mindset.  i suppose that a transfer of control isn't an absolute loss of control...i suppose in many ways it's a deepening of my own self-control.  Controlling my external affairs- my actions, my attire, my interactions- is almost superficial, in a sense, for me.  It makes me feel as though i am certainly master of my own domain, but by having those choices made for me, i have to learn to control my immediate objections & willful nature.  i have to learn to be still & to be patient.  my mind is in conflict with my body; my mind is in conflict with itself.  In my body, i understand that i want this transfer of power (that it's not a complete lack of control, not anarchy), but my head sometimes wants to tell me not to "forfeit."  Moreover, here i have arrived at the crux of my entry: my rather interesting journey into the whole issue of control/self control, i.e. 24/7 orgasm control.  my orgasms are a major point of control for me.  Firstly, they're something that i've never really shared with men.  Ever.  i may have one (or many) in a man's presence, but i would certainly never tell him that.  Why would i tell him?  Men tend to become fixated with their ability to make you cum.  i don't want even to plant that seed of fixation.  Secondly, left to my own devices, i apparently masturbate a lot & use it as "comfort food" - if i'm sad, lonely, happy, tired, content, horny, stressed, hyper, bored, unnerved, fidgety, excited, etc., whatever, i cum.  i was one of those who masturbated a lot & used it as comfort as a very small child- until i started going to school & found out that sex & self-love were wrong & dirty.  i didn't masturbate again until a couple of years ago.  Not surprisingly, cumming has all these control connotations for me.  It's mine, i use it, & i do it.  Now, not only do i have to discuss/reveal my orgasms, i have to ask permission to, & give gratitude for, being allowed to cum, every time i cum.  Granted, manners are important, but having to ask/give thanks for an orgasm not only hits upon my control issues, it hits upon my privacy issues, as well.  This act is no longer private to me; it is in the possession & the knowledge of someone else.  Therefore, i will control the situation & keep it private by not cumming, at all.  i will cut off my nose to spite my face.  With my Owner currently out of town, i never asked nor did i give thanks a single time this past weekend.  Of course, i also didn't cum.  So, yes, in a way, i took back a measure of control & privacy, but to what end?  Transitioning mindset.  my orgasms aren't about my control anymore & privacy, as an owned sub, is a moot point.  i can either learn to accept that wholly or i can suffer some rather unpleasant consequences.  i was already rightfully punished once for cumming without permission (& really should have been even more severely punished when i did it again the following morning while my Owner blissfully slept next to me), though i wouldn't dare do that again.  i then tried not cumming, at all, but that's unbearable & silly.  Therefore, one obvious solution remains...submit.  Stop the struggle & succumb.  Let go of the external detail of "24/7 orgasm control" & redirect the attention internally to make myself more pleasing & patient.  Adjust the attitude, stop hoping for compromise, & be truly grateful.  i'm rarely denied, never without reason, & always gently.  Gratitude is not about control & it's wrong to want to use it that way.  If i'm happy & content, why do i want to make it more difficult on myself?  Be happy & conent.  i need to come to different understandings & relationships with the concepts of "control" & "privacy."  my staunch demand for them may (or may not) work in every other aspect of life, but under the good & always caring rule of my Dom, these things are counterproductive & huge hinderances for me.  Sometimes i just need reminding, though...