Cadence

Female Submissive, 24, Sacramento, California

Female Submissive, 28, portland, Oregon

Female Submissive, 21

I haven't written in this journal since February!? I guess that is because I have a blog on my own website now and I rarely go on collarme since I am not looking for a Dominant. I am still with JP...pushing two years together now. He is here visiting right now..napping in my bed. We still see each other about once a month for a weekend and sometimes for a longer time. In August we flew and met in San Antonio and spent three wonderful nights in an old farmhouse on 20 acres...totally private with our own creek! Long distance (4 1/2 hours) is hard, mainly because I tend to get insecure in between visits. But when we are together, I am totally happy. I am now in a BDSM group, so at least I have that support in between. I have made some very close friends there. JP also knows them and we sometimes play together when he is here. He allows me to play with certain restrictions in between our times together which helps ameliorate the loneliness. Just thought I'd update in case anyone ever reads my blog here.

I just returned home from a business meeting of my computer users group. I have made some very close friends there. One of the gentlemen expressed sympathy to me for the loss of my mother earlier this month and told me that he had lost both parents in the past ten months. I don't think it has totally hit me yet, probably because I didn't see her more than a few times a year although we communicated by phone, etc. But I'm feeling a bit sad right now. At least my father seems to be doing a lot better than I thought he might. Master J and I are making plans for a three day weekend mid-February. He wanted to go to a state park, but they never have any cabins available. So I guess we will go to the island. I love it there, but it is a lot more travel time. I hope he will be in the mood to play more than the last time we spent together. I wonder if all Dominants are reticent about their feelings with their subs. I always end up with such passive-aggressive men, so I guess maybe that is just part of my masochistic nature.

I have IMed and emailed with a very nice lady sub. We seem to have a lot in common and it is nice to have a friend I can talk to about being a submissive as well as all the vanilla things we have in common. We hope to meet for coffee soon. Since my previous entry, Master and I met for a weekend halfway between our two cities. It was a lazy time...sleeping and watching movies and going out of the room only when we had to have food. There was very little play compared to usual which makes me worry he doesn't want me anymore. But he is talking about going back to the island together when the weather is warm, so I guess I'm just being paranoid. He wants to expand our play to include another couple. That both intrigues me and makes me feel more insecure, again worried that I am no longer enough for him. He has been so good to stay in daily contact which is important to me. But he provides very little in the way of control between our rendezvous. Men compartmentalize so much better than women, I think. It is like playtime is playtime and everything else in between is worktime. I wish I could just be content with that. But I long for just a thread of control running between our times together.

My master just left this afternoon after a blissful three nights together. I am just coming down from sub space and starting to really miss him. I know that time marches on, but sometimes I wish I could just get stuck in a time warp with him. We had a very restful time with lots of lovemaking, sleeping, watching movies and we ate out once alone and once with my best friends who he had never met. I thought after almost a year, it was time and apparently, he agreed. We had a pleasant time and toasted the new year. As he was leaving, I said, "I will miss you." He said, "Me, too" and I asked, "Will you miss me?" He said that he just said he would. I said, "No, you said, 'Me, too'." You're supposed to say, "I'll miss you, too." Then he said, "I'll miss you." I don't know why I need to hear it. There are still little signs of him around. It comforts me.

My advisor was right. If I want to know something, I need to ask. After several frustrating days of me being out of town and unable to communicate, my Dominant IMed last night. After discussing my mom's illness, etc., I worked up the courage to ask, " When we started seeing each other, I went into my C-me profile and changed from "actively seeking dominant men" to "friends only". But I noticed that you still have actively seeking and a pretty long list. Am I misunderstanding my status? Are you tired of me and looking? It is OK...I just need to know." He said he doesn't really use the site and hadn't thought to make changes. I said: "That doesn't exactly answer my questions. It is OK to just tell me the truth about things, you know?" He told me that he is not tired of me and is not looking. It is a relief to know that. I don't know..nobody knows..what the future will bring. But I don't want to stay unless we are both happy. I am not sure that I will always be content with the limitations we have, but for now, I at least feel more secure. I have to remember that it is always better to know bad news sooner rather than later. Not knowing doesn't change things and knowing gives options.

When I write here in my blog, I have found that it is sometimes an invitation to criticism or suggestions and, if I am fortunate, a productive dialog with one or more Doms. I like that about this site. I am currently in such a dialog and I won't divulge with whom, but I am grateful for his honesty and opinions. I want to share this in case someone else might profit from it. I have his permission to share our correspondence. It began with an email from him criticizing my focus as being too much on myself, a suggestion to read the forums, and an admonition that "SERVICE focuses on pleasing the served without expecting anything in return. Period. Serve to the best of your ability at all times in whatever task. If you have done the best you can do take joy in that whether it is recognized or not. Don't expect praise. Ever. You know you won't be disappointed and you'll be overjoyed when praise does come your way." Here, after some thought and soul-searching and trying to be honest and not defensive, is my response: Thank you for the suggestion. I have actually read a lot in the forums, but there is a ton of stuff there. It sounds like you don't think a sub should be human. Period. All human beings have needs and though the need to serve may be prominent, it is expecting the impossible to expect a person to completely forego their own needs so totally. I only need to KNOW whether or not I am pleasing him. I don't think that is too much to ask. That is not exactly the same as expecting "praise". How can I serve him well with no feedback? That said, I am feeling more confident now that we are coming up on a year of meeting at least once a month. We just spent four full days alone on an island together. We were discussing our past dating experiences (both bdsm and vanilla) and he said he has had three bdsm relationships and that I am by far the best and most submissive he has ever had. That at least let me know I am on the right track which is what I need to know. I do everything that I attempt to the best of my ability. I will be glad to consider any of your ideas or suggestions because I am always eager to learn. His thoughtful response: If a woman is going to release all to me then I have a responsibility to show my appreciation and to praise the obedience. How can you be happy if you're partner isn't? Yes, that's a two-way street. If you're thinking of your happiness FIRST you're usurping your Doms authority. If I'm happy is it not my responsiblity to ensure the happiness of those under me? If my woman is obedient is it not my place to LOVE her and let her know that she is well pleasing to me? Many people accept the premise "wives submit unto your husband in all things." but miss the part that says "Husbands love your wives." There must be communication and I firmly believe in feedback. I'm glad you had your 4 day weekend. It seems to have had a good effect. I think he needs to know that you need affirmation more frequently, at least, for right now. As you get to know each other you will be able to pick up the little things that will tell you he is happy without verbalization. I would much prefer a partner that SHOWS me how they feel than one that tells me how they feel all the time but rarely shows it. I had one relationship that I expressed my love daily and she replied in kind but never said it first. She stopped when I stopped and never expressed her love for me again. ---------- (Although I don't consider myself particularly religious, I was raised in a fundamentalist home, so he had definitely wandered onto my "turf" with the religious reference.) cadence response: Now we seem to be speaking the same language. I think what happened was that you read the last thing I wrote (in uncharacteristic frustration) and interpreted it to mean that I was putting my needs before his. I can see where you would get that from that particular blog entry. But it isn?t the case. Perhaps in that one moment, I was thinking too much of me, but actually, if you read it, you?d see that I was very unhappy with myself...with my own reaction, and that I agreed with his assessment that I was ?feeling sorry? for myself. At least I was really hurting and disappointed in myself that I couldn?t take things in stride, because I usually had done well (for me, at least) before that. You correctly assess that we are still in the process of balancing things and understanding each other better. You said: I had one relationship that I expressed my love daily and she replied in kind but never said it first. She stopped when I stopped and never expressed her love for me again. That is us in reverse somewhat. I am a very expressive person and he is very reserved. When I say, ?I miss you?, he says, ?Me, too.? If I say I can?t wait to be together again, he says, ?Me, either?. He never says my name (either cadence or my vanilla name) which eventually makes me feel like I don?t exist. He will say it if I request it, but that kind of defeats the purpose. I try NOT to say ?I love you?. The first time it slipped out, he said, ?Be careful. Don?t get in too deep.? That was fairly early in the relationship. Although I am not saying that he "loves" me, he is much more physically demonstrative now...takes my hand, hugs me spontaneously, kisses me a lot and all of that helps me feel appreciated, even "loved". However, because I am a very verbal affectionate person with everyone, I have trouble never expressing my feelings of love verbally. I do try to hold back, since he seems to have asked for that, but the once or twice I have said it since, he hasn?t cut me off, but rather responded either with silence or some affectionate touching. We are very compatible in our desires, play, intellect, etc., but very different in our personalities. Like you, I want to be SHOWN how he feels, but I also long to hear it sometimes. I try to do more demonstrating and be verbally reserved like him, but it is hard for me to do the latter. When we were first together, he would go for days with no communication with me. I always try to let any man IM me first and only respond, unless there is a pressing need to let him know something important. So when I was feeling so disconnected that I thought maybe we were wrong for each other, I finally told him that I needed some communication between times together (which are usually at least a month apart). He said the problem he had was that he was afraid he couldn?t give me ENOUGH time, so he just wasn?t giving me any. I assured him that I didn?t need a long conversation, just a couple of moments, even just a good night and that I would always gracefully ?let? him bow out (don?t think he was used to that degree of submission). Then I proved that to him by doing it and now he IMs almost every day, though usually after midnight. I try never to keep him past when he wants or needs to go. He is a very busy professional and I respect that, although I?ll admit that it is hard to always play second fiddle to his work. I am impressed that you know the entirety of the Biblical admonition to a wife to submit; that it is followed by the equally strong admonition to the husband to love his wife (as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. The "church" is often called the "bride of Christ"). Thank you for this dialog. ------------------------- dear cadence, My scriptural knowledge is based on 10 years as a Bible Instructor and Lay Evangelist with 20 years personal research. I've forgotten more than most people know. (personal reference deleted) Sorry for the confusion. Sounds like things are on track. Just remember that niether of you are mind readers. No matter how much you want him to figure it out on his own he won't. YOU have to clue him in. Communicate, communicate and then talk some more about EVERYTHING. Now that I have a better understanding I can see where most of your angst is self induced. But by no means is it all your doing. Permission is granted to share. cadence responds: (personal reference deleted) ...As a female, of course, I want to talk about everything, but I am mindful that males don't ordinarily feel the same need or desire to communicate. I am striving for something in between what I want and what he seems to want communication-wise. Also, his mother never shuts up and it drives him crazy. So I try hard to match his style and be content to please him with my silence. He sometimes likes to talk and when he does, I keep up my end of the conversation. Thank you for the permission to share. I do appreciate your sage advice and willingness to help me. cadence

11-23-06 Happy Thanksgiving to all. It is a tough one for me because my mom is terminally ill. I did just have four lovely days with Master JP, alone on an island. It was cold even so far south. We both got a lot of much needed rest. We watched a couple of movies, worked a little on our computers. He did a legal document for me for which I am so grateful since I can be confident that it is done correctly. We had some good conversation and great sex, although no bd and only a little sm. I suppose that is fine since it was his choice. I submitted totally in every way I could. He said I am "by far" the best of the three subs he has had a relationship with. I didn't cry when we left the island like last time. And, although I was loathe to leave him, I managed my end of the parting much better than the last time. I think it helps when there aren't so many weeks between trysts. It had only been three weeks this time rather than the six before that. I also think we will for sure find time together in December. Jan. 13 will be a year since we met.

I hate it when I say and do the wrong thing even when I know better. J and I had a (in my eyes at least) wonderful visit this past weekend. I think maybe that was part of the problem...it was so good that I had a really tough time separating. I really got depressed after he left. This is the first time I have really gotten down and whiny/clingy. I just couldn't let go and adjust to being alone again. I was pretty OK when he actually left, but an hour or two later, I felt angry that it was over, irrational as that was. I needed reassurance that he missed me. Of course, being male, he is much better at compartmentalizing things. He had already set me aside and focused on more immediate things like work. He just got irritated with me and told me to quit feeling sorry for myself. Insecurity is so damned unattractive. He has given me no reason to feel like this. It's all coming from within me and I know it will only push him away. I have to get control of myself and enjoy what I have because it is very good. It needs to be enough, so why can't I accept it so? I think some of this stems from my lifelong frustration that I have never had a relationship where I felt truly loved enough to be #1. I always always always give give give and never get. In this relationship, I'm second to work rather than to a child or some other woman (at least as far as I know). To be jealous of his work REALLY makes me seem irrational. I think maybe most of us really do follow the "golden rule" of do unto others as we would have then do unto us, even if only subconsciously. It is hard to figure out what the other wants because we are busy giving what we actually want to get. I think what I need to do is look to how he is towards me and realize that is the way he wants me to be. But instead, I send him cards because I would so treasure a card from him. I buy him gifts because the tiniest gift would mean so much to me. Dumb, dumb, dumb! It isn't what he wants, but what I want from him. I gave him one of the most expensive colognes for last Valentine's Day (appropriately named Sexual) and I don't think he has ever even opened it. I gave him a shirt that he never wears. I send him cards, usually hand created, and he hardly acknowledges them. I already have his Christmas present. I think it is something he might actually like since it is for him to use with #1. But he has already told me he'd just as soon skip Christmas. What he does give me is so much more important. He has paid for expensive places for us to stay. He never asks me to cook...always takes me out (although this time, I cooked instead anyway). He has bought toys for us to use together. I guess my insecurity makes me want something tangible...a symbol, a collar. And that isn't going to happen. At least we have made plans to spend several days together right before Thanksgiving. I really did do one thing right this past weekend...I stayed in the moment and enjoyed each precious minute immensely. Next time together, I need to do the same thing and not fall to pieces afterwards. I love you, J. And it is OK not to love me back.

I doubt anyone really reads this, but it has been so many months since I wrote in the journal. Maybe it is time. I have been seeing the same dominant for almost nine months. We both have busy careers and he is four hours away, so we usually only meet for one weekend a month. I thought maybe we weren't going to make it because we both wanted a different kind of relationship. But we seem able to compromise and I think his affection for me has grown as has mine for him. We spent a whole week vacationing together in July. That was great. I got to see his office and we spent two nights in (deleted) before going to (deleted) for the rest of the time. During the day he had to work from the phone and computer, but our evenings and nights were great. I cried when we had to leave the island. I try to accept that he while he is not married, he is in practical terms "married" to his profession. But while I might wish for more, at least he contacts me almost every day now which keeps me grounded. I am still a bit in "withdrawal" because he came up last weekend. Sometimes I wonder if I am making a mistake staying in a relationship that has little potential for more than what we have. But then, what we have is good and I don't want to give it up. He seems a lot less guarded with me and a lot more relaxed and affectionate. I think he was only looking for play and not a relationship, so that seems positive to me. I don't need 24/7, but I do want a relationship as well as the bdsm play.

I love to write, but I am not good at keeping up with this journal. The weekend with J and I at my house was pleasant. We have met once more since and the first evening together was great. After that, I thought maybe he lost interest in me because the play was much diminished. But when asked, he said he was just very exhausted which I know is always true. I thought it was good to find someone who had never married or had children--no baggage. But I find that he is "married" to his profession and work. It is to a point that I feel like a toy put on the shelf in between our times together. He also allows me to communicate with others and is not very possessive which is confusing. It is good since I would be so bored under the circumstances between meetings with so little contact. I think he is aware of this. I need so much intellectual and other stimulation. It is bad because I am not sure that he wants me. I am not sure whether to stay in the relationship or move on. There is much good in the relationship and I am finding the latter difficult to contemplate. But.....

I am very happy because JP is coming to visit this weekend. It is the first time we will be together at my house rather than neutral "turf". I don't really expect this to make any difference in how we relate. I suppose I might find it a tad more difficult to make the switch from sole mistress of the house to lowly submissive. But in the event that happens, I will make an extra effort to be the best submissive that I can be.

I have added the initials JP to my nick cadence. A wonderful Master has agreed to mentor me and allow me to place His initials there as I will not be seeing others as long as He wishes to see me. It is not easy as he lives over three hours away and is extremely busy in his vanilla life (as am I in mine). But it is our agreement to try to be together one weekend per month as possible. I still don't really understand what "collared" really means. Perhaps someone with experience could write and explain all the implications of being collared.

It has been pointed out to me that my description of how my screen name relates to me failed to point out that Italian is a romance language. I suppose I assumed that everyone knew that. Anyway, that Cadence is a word from a romantic and beautiful language is another reason for my choice. I believe that the D/s relationship has an incredibly romantic component when it is a good match. I have never felt so loved as I have in the two D/s relationships I have experienced to date.

People have asked about my screen name so I thought I would explain how it fits me. I am very into music and like any particular area of expertise, it has its jargon. For instance, ballet terms are French-based, law and medicine are Latin-based. Musical terms are usually frankly Italian or based on Italian. Cadence is the latter (based on the Italian word cadenze). ?A cadence is a progression of two or more chords used at the end of a composition, section or phrase to convey a feeling of permanent or temporary repose. A "perfect cadence" is the tonic chord preceded by the DOMINANT or sub-dominant chord. Translated into sexual terms, it is a release, a giving in of the tonic chord to the dominant chord. So it seemed the perfect screen name for me. I am a cadenza in other areas of my life. A cadenza is a passage of music in the style of a brilliant improvisation (vocally in an aria; instrumentally in a concerto) which offers the performer the opportunity to exhibit his technical master-y (hyphenated for emphasis, LOL). I think Cadenza would be a perfect name were I was a dominant female.

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