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Valora
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Opalescence
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WiltedRose
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RubyRocket
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Happy pi day 2017! (yep, still alive!) I may wait 2 years to log in again, I may not. Guess we will find out.
I'm still alive, now with more movie/TV/song quotes to win brownie points! Things haven't really changed a ton. You can also find me on another website under the same name. I am awful at email, and at this point I end up putting people into the favorites list because something about them makes them interesting That I want to perv- I mean check them out more. --- Quote 2015.1: "Must have donuts. Great, I ate Homer Simpson's brain." I'm in a relationships and for all the bumps and other ups and downs, I love her and am grateful for her being in my world, we have a couples profile as well, in case you should ever want to look us up with more information. With that being said, my interest in play is extremely limited, however friends online are always welcomed!
I'm peeking, pondering, thinking, and maybe even looking. if you want to know more, you can simply ask. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy looking and perhaps I'll even email you first *smiles*
There will be various quotes throughout my profile that will be highlighted in Red. Name the movie and you'll get a brownie point! What the brownie points are good for, I'm not sure yet, but I'm sure you can think of something you'd want to redeem them for.
Quote 1: "She turned me into a newt!"
Quote 2: "I don't want to be the one who's stuck with me when I whip my meat out. Trappen in the room when I start to beat it." - Worth 2 brownie points!
11/30/05 - *grumbles* I suppose I should add some more about myself on here. what i'm looking for, not looking for and all that stuff. I am currently in Florida (obviously), but also in Atlanta, GA a lot. It's highly likely I'll be moving back to Atlanta sometime around March of 2006, though if something spectacular were to happen, I would stay in Florida. Quote 3: "This is my boom stick!"
It's very hard to define what I'm looking for at the moment. Not because I don't know, but because with my life in a state of flux, it is difficult to ask someone to become a part of it in a serious way. So, mostly I'm looking for people to chat with, get to know better and if things happen, they happen. Quote 4: "It can't rain all the time."
I welcome all letters and all intercourse, particularly (but most certainly not exclusively) of the verbal and written kind. Quote 4a: "I ain't got time to bleed." (bonus point for naming the Actor)
"I"m alienating my audience... one fucker at a time. those stupid bastards gotta learn!"
Ok, I'm not 1337. but I do have some computer skills. and what in the world, am I the only one who actually is willing to sit down and watch ironman triatholons, and the Tour de France. Or Track and Field. Geeeze. I hate the term Heavy Metal Music. It conjures up images of Metallica, and Judas Priest. Try Thrash, Death, Grindcore. I really don't care what a sound is like, so long as it's creative. ergo, James Plotkin is amazing, whereas Kirk Hammett, is a great guitarist. but hasn't made a creative note in about 10 years. Quote 5: "You keep saying that word, I do not think it means what you think it means." Bonus point for knowing what the 'word' is.
I'm a Libreal Leaning Libertarian. I am an open source advocate. and if you think that "Intelligent Design" Is a valid Scientific theory, then please, go back and read what scientific testing is about. I'm also openionated and on most things willing to listen. But on a few things, you won't win *smiles* Quote 6: "I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar."
(I suspect anyone who was going to scroll down and email me has by now rapidly ran screaming in the other direction, *smirks* so be it, better to run now. After all, you can't say you don't know what I think, or at least little bits of what I think) Quote 7: "On a long enough time-line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."
We are all more complex than a profile. And a profile by definition gives a slanted impression of a person, depending on their mood and mindset. Right now I'm in a mood to challenge anyone and everyone (yeah, I'm an Arrogant bastard tonight, I'm usually not quite this virulent, but I'm in a ranting mood, and this is as good a place as any). Quote 8: "It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!"
Oh, The Special Word is "Foamy" Mention that word, and you'll get an extra brownie point for making it this far.
And last but not least. Quote 9: "Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is ok, as long as people don't say any naughty words!"
Like there ever is a last in a profile Quote 10:
She's a Dwelling place for Demons.
She's a cage for every unclean spirit,
every filthy bird and makes us drink the poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings.
Fallen now is Babylon the Great.
One of the things you should understand, there are no easy answers for me. I don't want easy answers. I don't want pat simple solutions. I don't mind making a first move, but ... suprise me, impress me. Make me think. Quote 11:
Tender Lies
Keep telling me tender lies
Keep feeding me bedroom eyes
and your tender lies.
The hardest/strangest part about finding someone is understanding yourself well enough to know your own limitations and not to let yourself become overwhelmed by the desire. I've found someone who makes me smile, who takes the time to listen and is trying to be the best person she can be, she's doing it for herself, and I am glad i can be in her life. I am not unavailable at this time. I would call myself less available, as my friend is the person who will be getting the majority of my attention. that's just how I want it to be at this time, and if this means I'm less interesting, then so be it. I'd rather someone hate me for who I am than love me for who I'm not. (not that anyone would hate me for this, but yeah, you get the idea *smirks*)
Update
and then sometimes, things don't quite work out and you end up having a friend. which isn't a bad thing, just goes to show things will always be unexpacted.
Quote 12
?Show me a memory
and that's where I'll long to be
Please don't ask for more from me
'cause memory is all i'll be
But I can live
in your mind's eye
live, in your heart
I'll love you in your dreams
but please don't try to hold me in your arms
There. I'm done for now.
Quote 2015.2: "This date isn't going well. I want to die all over again." Quote 2015.3: "And anxious Darwinians frantically self-analyse, too ultimately aware to trust anyone or anything alive. Toxic, parasitic ideas hijack our minds. Mimetically commandeered to include the suicide."
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Well...
I have the odd situation of someone put me in their admirers list, and subscribed to my journal... but have blocked my emails? Mistake? accident? screwing with me? I may never know
but it certainly got me to update my journal :)
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It has been a while since I last posted, and I thought it time to update a few thoughts and musings. The few entries I have are a shadow of, a sketch of the thoughts and feelings that reflect what is inside me. None of which will capture all the nuances that are inside me. But honestly who cares about that. We fight to express ourselves. To what purpose? To stand out I think. Why do I want to stand out?
Very few people want to be isolated. We are conditioned by society from birth to be a part of a group. Be it a Church, BDSM, clubbing etc, we tend to want to be a part of something. We are a social creature. I recognize that I have social groups I'm a part of; and I am not so pathological as to reject those groups out of hand. However it's difficult for me to accept the labels that come along with the association with a group.
Arrogance it may be, But I refuse to be defined by labels. Why? becaues once you begin labeling something, you have begun to limit that thing. I don't like limiting people or being limited.
This entry is all over the map, hopefully someone else can make sense of what i'm saying... cause it makes sense to me :)
But then again, I'm insane... :)
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Following up slightly to clarify my previous journal entry. In the end, we all have control of ourselves. No matter what anyone else might tell us, it's our choice, it is our decision, and in the end, it's our actions that we control. So long as you choose something freely, and you can explain and express yourself, I'll happily accept anyone's decision, no matter what other issues I might have.
But that requires someone to express themselves and communicate effectively. And, to add insult to injury, I also reject all the tired and over used quotes that get recycled to express what they think. If you can't come up with a way to express yourself beyond repeating what you heard someone else say. then you really don't understand yourself. at least not well enough to express it.
Demanding bastard, aren't I? *smiles*
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"face down... arms out... nailed to the cross of doubt"
Sometimes I wonder just what the purpose of BDSM is about. I've wandered all over the map with attempting to understand what is 'right' and what is 'healthy', at least in reguard to BDSM. Is it 'healthy' to want someone to submit to you? is it a healthy dynamic to engage in? In all frank honesty I don't think BDSM is a 'healthy' lifestyle. By the same token, I don't view BDSM as always inherently unhealthy. Particularly, I feel that some of the wishes to control, dominate and use someone, as well as the complimentry desires to be used, broken and controlled, are better served in an environment where there are 'rules' and agreements in place.
"Blood runs... like rain... drowning for this world in vain."
Of course, within the topic of BDSM there will always be the issue of people who do not follow the rules. Are those people who operate outside the sub-cultures accepted 'norm' somehow bad for BDSM? Obviously those people who take BDSM and break the rules to actively harm or kill someone has performed acts that bring intervention in from general Society. That group finds acceptence in few places.
In this case, I'm thinking of those people in BDSM who challenge the 'norms.' perhaps they do not like the conventions used by the majority to frame the conversation. Perhaps they object to the 'romanticization of violence' Or they could simply object to the idea that someone would give up control of their life and choice.
What measure of debate can be garnered when a subculture is resistant to change. Within the subculture, there is an 'echo chamber' effect. Surround yourself with people of like nature and you don't have to worry about feeling alone. after all you have hundreds and thousands of people who do the same things as you!
Support groups are great, they help give people the strength to accept themselves and not feel ostrisized by the rest of society (I really wish collarme had a spell checker...) The problem comes when people adopt a group think. That if you are into BDSM, you should think this way about certain topics. That to question certain tenants of BDSM is to threaten the very beliefs that the group think is founded on.
That is where BDSM, just like any other sub-culture fails. Despite the claims of tolerence and openness. BDSM, just as any other sub-culture, falls victim to the same faults as other sub-cultures. we're open and tolerant, so long as you're just like us.
"Crown of... black thorns... Human skin ripped and torn."
So, does that mean that BDSM is worthless? absolutely not! it simply means that BDSM should not be viewed as somehow better than other sub-cultures. In the end we are just as fallible as anyone else. Change will occur in BDSM, just as in any group, but the change will always be slow. People with vision, the idealists will always find themselves pushed to the fringes and ignored as they challenge the 'safety' of the group think majority.
Of course, the irony is, that even if the idealist were to push his or her ideas forth, they would become 'group think'. which could potentially destroy the very changes that the idealist would want.
So, if the changes themselves would simply create something similar to 'meet the new boss, same as the old boss' with people adopting the new ideas and then treating anyone with different ideas no different than before, how does one go about doing something to change that?
That is where the real change must take place, to reject the echo chamber and step out alone. To accept that you are alone in your ideas and your thoughts. and that your position is yours to defend and justify. it's a big and scary place when you don't think anyone thinks like you. But remember, it's an illusion, you know there are people out there who are as kinky as you, you know there are people out there just as crazy and dark and deep with their ideas. In fact I'm willing to bet there are people out there freakier than you. Take the support from that, but don't adopt the mindset.
"Where is your savior now?"
You are your own savior. You are your own controller. No matter how much you might wish to stop thinking, you have a responsibility to think and grow as a person. To abdicate that responsibility and give it to someone else is a disservice to yourself and the people around you. BDSM is something that doesn't require people to stop thinking. Nor does it require even the most abject of slaves to quit discovering about themselves.
Don't be afraid of change.
(Song lyrics taken from the song "Pisschrist" from the band Fear Factory from the album "Demanufacture" released in 1995 from Roadrunner Records)
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So, Now it's April. tell us oh great and wise King George, how shall
you protects us from ourselves. After all. You've done absolutely
nothing to fund inititives to reduce our dependence on oil gas and
coal. You refuse to spend money on alternative energies, be it fission,
wind, solar. You also refuse to help fund research into Fusion, which
if we ever make breakthroughs, will quite easily solve every energy
need the use would *ever* need. Hell, you won't even increase the fuel
efficiency of new cars. So yes, everyone can drive a Hummer just like
our troops who are dying over in Iraq. That's right, they're dying to
protect your right to drive a gas guzzler. In the meantime, you still
have the republican masses who remain convinced that somehow Iraq was
building WMD's and funding 9/11. Woo, Hussien had a mural of the twin
towers getting blown up commissioned. Big fucking deal. He is a
classless thug. But he was a classless thug that we had under control
and wasn't doing anything. In fact he was keeping iraq together as a
country. (as opposed to the violence that is currently tearing it
apart) Yo, King George, there's a reason your father didn't go in and
take Hussein out. He knew what would happen? Next time pay attention to
Dad.
In the meantime, Afghanistan continues to spiral downhill, because we
DIDN'T finish the job. King George in his efforts to settle his
personal score against Hussein (King George, if you're wondering, was
reportedly very pissed that Hussein had tried to hire a hit squad
against the Bush Family). So he made up every excuse, Lied, and misled
the American public wherever possible to rally for a conflict. So we
left afghanistan unfinished. We left Bin Laden alive. and We've managed
to create tens of thousands more people willing to die to kill
Americans. Do you really feel safer?
Meanwhile the power grab by american law enforcement continues. Backed
by King ('the constitution is just a damned piece of paper') George.
And in violation of Federal law. The Government has been wiretapping US
citizens without bothering to get a warrent. Mind you, the court that
oversees the wiretapping has rejected all of 2 (yes, 2) requests for
wiretapping out of over 10,000 (yes, 10,000) wiretaps requested up
until recently. And yet, with a success rate of 99.998% the Bush
Administration decided to stop getting any warrents? Why? They claim
it's because they need it in a timely fashion. Which is an absolute
Lie. Because they can start a wire tap up to 72 hours before they have
to get the warrent. so if they think they need timely information right
there. They can start the wiretap, and then have 3 days to get their
ducks in a row and get the warrent.
(BTW, he is quoted through out the 2004 election talking about FISA
and how the government needs to have warrents to wire tap and that the
us would obey the law, pretty damning indictment that he knowingly
broke the law and lied to the public about it, and you thought a
blowjob in the oval office was worth impeachment?)
So, Why did King George do it? Why did he make it a point to authorize
wiretapping without warrents? Because a warrent is part of public
record. With the warrents the public would know the amount of spying on
america The Bush administration has been doing. Sure, every one of the
warrents would be authorized. But what sort of uproar would the public
have if they realized that the Bush administation was spying on 1
million people. What sort of uproar would happen if the Bush
administation had to publicly show just what they were doing? Of
course, I think the bush administation also screwed up because they
will always have that 30 percent who thinks he can do no wrong. And
really, with a republican controlled congress, he can get away with
murder (in fact, 2600+ US soldiers dead) and not have to answer for it.
Now you have AT&T letting the NSA wiretapp every single call. every
single text message. everything that goes over their network. Without a
warrent, without any oversight. why? because America got scared. the
OMG terrorists. which is the new mantra for the OMG Commies. is now a
reason to let the Government to watch everything you do. Do you want a
camera in your home? do you want cameras over your bed so the
government can watch everything you do? (Don't laugh, there's at least
one Mayor attempting to do just that for any house that has called the
police more than the police should be called by a resident)
As it is now, People will say, 'if you don't break the law, you have
nothing to worry about' And I say, "are you insane?" There are now so
many laws out there that on average, an american citizen breaks 5 of
them in a day. A determined DA could probably arrest and convict anyone
in the United states for some sort of legal Transgression. In the
meantime, The US continues to march towards Facism. Making people
dissapear, Keeping open Guantanemo. Claiming that these people are
'dangerous' Torturing them, and in a Kafkaeque turn, bring them before
a military tribunal, where they are not permitted to know what they're
accused of, nor are they allowed to see any evidence against them, Nor
are they permitted to question or even know the people who have leveled
accusations against them. If you want to see america treat anyone like
that. then you don't get it. The true measure of a nation is not how it
treats the best citizens, but how it treats the worst.
You'd think drinking in a bar is legal. But in texas, the police have
begun arresting people in bars for drinking too much. Mind you, they're
not being loud drunks, or raising a fuss. They simply "might" drive
home, instead of take a taxi, so rather than "risk" having them break
the law, The police don't even wait for them to leave the bar, they
just arrest them on the spot and haul them off. Talk about a buzz kill
for those people who like bars. But that's the danger you run into when
it's decided that it's better to arrest someone before they commit a
crime, even if that person may not have commited a crime at all. I'd be
more ok if an intoxicated person was arrested after getting in his or
her car and started the ignition. Then you have intent. but what if
that intoxicated person hails a cab and goes home? That's the similar
risk of thought crimes. Just because someone thinks something, even in
passing, doesn't mean he or she will do it. A woman was arrested for
conspiracy to commit a terrorist act because she mailed a letter to the
editor of a newspaper, complaining about airplanes over her head,
"(paraphrased) Sometimes I would imagine they're blackbirds and I had a
gun." was the gist of what she said. Not even saying that she was going
to. But the DA went and had her arrested. Yep, Way to get those
terrorists.
Immigration. Believe it or not, I give King George credit here. He's
trying to get something done, something that the nation needs. and
thats understanding that there's a reason 11 million immigrants are
here. And that's because WE NEED THEM. They're not exactly sittting
around on welfare you know. In fact they generally are afraid to use
any Government services for fear that it will some how get them caught
by the Government. So they exist, between the cracks. Hidden and preyed
upon by The criminal elements. (In Tifton Georgia (IIRC) several
hispanics were gunned down over the course of a week by gangs relying
upon the fear of being deported to keep the rest of the community
silent. It's time to accept that they are a part of our society. Now if
we do that, we should try to work on the border to limit such a strong
inflow of illegal immigration. But also understand, that it's not just
immigration from mexico. You have Irish, German, Canadian, Thai,
Japanese, Korean, Russian. People from all over the world here
illegally. There needs to be a 3fold process. 1 - Increase border
security, increase the funding. quit using survelliance on the anti war
rallys and instead put it on the border. 2 - Legalize the people here.
or at least give them a process to become legal. (pay a fine, pay any
owed taxes, whatever it takes) 3 - Increase the amount of legal
immigration. Quit being scared. America has changed and evolved with
each influx of immigrants. so quit being racist and accept that it's
the price of making america a melting pot. new stuff melts in. And I
can promise you. They'd happily assimilate into american life and
culture if they didn't have to hide in the shadows. (and it's not like
previous immigration waves were magically assimilated, it's usually the
next generation who become americanized).
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Eventually America is going to get tired of fear mongering and tell the right wing republicans to sit down and quit acting like a bunch of whiners. Now Ironicly enough, The Right wing of the republican party is saying, 'let teh Criminals pick the fruit' while passing legislation that would make anyone crossing the border a felon. hmmm, think there's a back handed effort to get free labor? to tell you how skizophrenic the american populace is, 73% support some sort of method to give illegals full citizenship, if they pay a fine and learn english and jump through some other hoops. at the same time, 50% support shipping all the illegals out of the country. (source would be pollingreport dot com)
Personally I think it's a damn shame that the Reactionaries in congress are too busy trying to exploit bigory and fear, instead of coming up with a comprehensive solution. Sure, increase border security. But also, recognize that there is a reason that so many illegals are here and able to find gainful employment. it's because no one else will do the damn job! it's not like 'teh illegals' are here taking all the IT jobs, or taking high paid manufacturing jobs, or stealing all those middle manaagement jobs (though, personally I count that as a job no one would want). They're taking construction, roofing, crop picking. I dunno about you, but I'd rather have someone working on my house that is trying to make a better life than some rapist who's doing a day labor because the government told him to. I wonder which house would be better built? I wonder which fruit would be less bruised and who would get more done?
So what if we make them legal, they're still going to be doing mostly unwanted jobs. Their children will feel much more loyal to the United States, for taking their parents in and giving them a chance to make a better life. Instead of feeling bitter and betrayed by a society that's too busy being afraid of them, than to help assimilate them.
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Is America Afraid?
Are we so afraid of 'teh terroists' that we'll let the Bush administration lie to us, Use "National Security" as an excuse to hide any information that might be deemed embarrasing to the people in power? The latest example happened on wikipedia, where people from a US House of Representatives made over 1000 edits to various wiki sites to either whitewash information or to put information on political opponants that were patently 'libel' in nature. Efforts to find out more information about who might have done it were greeted by the response that revealing any information would be a 'threat to national security'
Isn't about time someone stood up and said, "America, are you going to let the people in power keep telling you to be afraid? Are you going to continue to permit the Current administration construct a gilded cage and take away your freedoms? It's time to stop being afraid of the terrorists. It's time to stop being afraid of the boogey men. It's time to start being afraid of the government that continues to restrict your freedoms. In case you're wondering, the regulations for air travel are legally binding laws. But, in a orwellian turn of events, The regulations are... you guessed it... classified. So, you can find yourself breaking the law, be arrested and jailed, and find yourself unable to even find out what you did, because it's... you guessed it... classifed for national security.
There is something fundementally wrong when there are secret laws. Secret laws are the mark of a totalitarian regime. Secret laws are designed to make you afraid, after all, who might be next to get a knock on the door at 4am.
Government is about trust. When the government treats the people as nothing more than potential criminals, then it is no longer a government for the people and by the people. When the people no longer trust the Government... What can the People do? Voting is one option. the second is to become educated, the third is to become motivated. If you sit back and do nothing, when the knock comes at 4am, then it will hit home, that the America we knew and loved is truely dead. |
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9 months until the elections...
...Do you know who you are voting for?
I'm not pro Deomcrat, but I am now absolutely and vehemently anti-Bush. Throw out your politics, just count the number of laws he admits he has broken, but claims authority to break in the name of the American people! No President is above the law. If the president can break the law, then we have no law and he's not the President and we owe no allegiance to him- because the law is the only thing that makes him the President. Once he shows us that the law means nothing to him, he ceases to be the President of the United States. I don't care if he is "protecting the american people". The American people don't need a King who protects us- we had that- and we delcared independance and wrote our own constitution.
I don't know if the republican party spent so much time as the minority party that they are giddy with hubris. They take kickbacks (See Abramoff for more details) and bribes to do the bidding of corporations. perhaps you can argue that all parties are guilty, but why does the republican party seem to have a pathologial belief that somehow they are above the law. DeLay faces trial for trying to bypass the very laws he took an oath to uphold. Go back to Iran Contra, where Ollie North authorized by the president, used money from the weapons supplied to Iran to fund the contras, in defiance of US law and to make matters worse, money was used to purchase drugs and sold on US streets to help further fund the Contras. (anyone else remember Reagans speech? the one where he basicly said, yeah, it was illegal, but it was for yourr own good?)
Ok, step back another 15 years... Nixon. in order to gain further advantage over the democratic party (which had no prayer of winning the 72 election), had the democratic National committe HQ broken into, bugged, and documents photographed. The people were caught, and Nixon had the CIA impede the FBI investigation into the matters. (and it all went down hill from there)
If you can't handle the Democratic party and their policy. Keep in mind that there are other alternatives. Libertarian comes to mind (of course). But are you willing to trust a party that ignores the very oath they take when the are elected to office. Can you support a president who has been quoted as saying that “Stop throwing the Constitution in my face.It’s just a goddamned piece of paper!” add on to the insult, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, while still White House counsel, wrote that the “Constitution is an outdated document.”
There's more if you take the time to look for it. Bush has been in contact with Abramoff since He was Gov of Texas, In July of 1997 Bush wrote letter on behalf of Abramoff. There's so much more there, but with the Government putting 'classified' on everything , including their lunch recipts, there's a virtual stonewall taking place. (can someone for the love of all that is unholy tell me why the Bush administration feels that the photographs taken of Bush with other guests is somehow critical to national security and must be kept from the public?)
As an aside, though I'm not particularly happy with Alito, He should be comfirmed as a Justice. He is qualified to be a justice of the Supreme Court. You may disagree with his possible leanings, but political leanings are not a matter to worry about, that's what elections are for.
(BTW if you think I'm a liberal, you're smoking crack)
Visit the libertarian party website if you want to learn more... |
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My goodness, how things ebb and flow. Suddenly things go from hyper to silence. In the meantime, I'm pondering what I want to read next. Slowly slogging my way through my book, trying to wrap up the first chapter so I can get a few people to peek at it and then pick up the pace from there. I've mentally vowed to finish it by the end of march, so we shall see.
And of course, I'm running and biking, nothing too heavy right now, just a few miles running and about 10 - 15 miles biking a day. That with pool and poker and photography should be plenty for now. :)
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So, it's a new year. should be interesting how things turn out, but from what I can tell, it's one of those years that will be about 365 days long. I imagine each day will have about 24 hours in them. I also imagine people will do more random crazy stuff.
So, what random crazy stuff do you have in mind? Tell me about some of your ideas, I'm curious what you want to experiment and explore. (It doesn't have to be sexual or BDSM, I'm curious what people want to do)
Me? I think one thing I want to try to do is climb a mountain. Not super crazy, but I think it'd be nice to go up a reasonable sized mountain. Why? Because it's there. I also have every intention of running/biking/swimming a triatholon this year. And hopefully run the Atlanta half marathon. Eh, We'll see. Who knows, maybe I can start my own kink website. I'm kinda waffly on that idea right now though. But if i can get things to go *just* so. It could happen.
No worries either way, I just want this year to be happier and more productive than last year. So, keep your fingers crossed.
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So another Christmas/Solstice/Saturnalia/Yule etc has passed. I'm in Atlanta, relaxing, as best I can being sick with sinus/chest cold. It was a quiet holiday. I got a couple of presents, the most amusing of which was a yoga-ball. Nothing naughty so far this year, though there's always the off chance of something naughty showing up a bit late. Frankly, I'm fairly ambivilant about things at the moment. Being sick makes it hard to really get into physical contact of any sort. So, right now I'm just trying to get better.
Anyway, not too much deep thoughts to report tonight. More or less simply checking in and saying hello to everyone who peeks here. It makes me happy knowing someone wants to read this. *grins*
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Haven't bothered writing in a few days, mostly because my frame of mind has been very poor. I might have mentioned i'm a bit bi-polar. If i haven't, I just did. I tend to cycle through every few weeks. This just happens to be one of those down weeks. I imagine the holidays are affecting my mood as well. but if I can effect some changes, things should work out.
As it is, I've had to do some hard thinking about my self awareness and what i can do to improve improve my understanding of who I am, what I desire, why I desire it, and what created those underlying wants/needs.
I think a part of my interest in BDSM is about attention. a desire to be special in a someone's eyes. Why do I want that? because my own feelings of self worth are damaged. I have confidence in myself at times. Just reading through my previous journal entries can attest to that. However, accepting that someone finds me worthy of their friendship, let alone submission or slavery, is difficult at times for me to accept.
In an odd way I take to heart a quote that rings more true than most people realize, "A person likes someone for their good qualities, but loves someone for their faults." You don't love them for what's wrong with them, your love enables you to step past those and accept them as part of who they are. So, I feel that way about how I view people, and yet... and yet I have trouble accepting that people might feel the same way about me.
I'm not an easy person to love. I'm acerbic, tempermental, and moody. The good news is, I'm not prone to outbursts, but am deadly with cold calm words. I'm demanding of myself, and I expect much from someone who wants to be a serious part of my life. And yet, the person who is harshest to me... is myself.
Of course I never answered what I though are the root causes of my desire for attention. Or, reading what I just wrote, maybe I did. maybe it's my own loneliness because of the paths I've choosen. I have no deity to rely upon, I have no one standing behind me ready to catch me if I fall down. It's all tightrope walking without a net. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Writing about this isn't about sympathy or pity, it's about understanding. Understanding myself and understanding how I interact with the people around me. Sure there are times in which I write in a whimsy. But there also has to be a time in which you write to better explain or express yourself.
I'm pondering how to say what I'm going to say without coming across as too harsh. Eh, I'll try to explain it first with a preface. I don't mind someone wanting and wishing to turn their mind off for a bit. To be able to submerge themselves into service and/or slavery and escape the world, to focus on the person they serve to the exclusion of the world. If that's what you want, then that's fine. Personally, I have questions about the emotional and mental health of that; but I'm willing to accept it if a person shows me they are mentally and emotionally able to deal with the challenges that arise from that level of immersion.
However, if someone wishes to become playdough, to become a mindless servant for the mere whims of another. To have no wish or desire to become nothing more than the pet of another, then please, if you have nothing more you wish to accomplish in your life, rethink what you want and why. I'll kepe my mind open, if you keep your open.
perhaps it's a bit pendantic of me to demand that. but for me, an open mind is the single most important thing we have as thinking beings. As trapped as we are in our webs of superstition and habit and false assumptions. An open mind is the only way to change the world views we hold and make our understand deeper of ourselves and the things around us.
Ok, it's 6am...
If anyone's bothering to read this, let me know and email me, otherwise I'll not be that bothered to write.
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Amusing little pet peeve. If you're owned, and don't wish to have anyone email you, then why for the love of all that is whatever it is, do you bother creating and putting a profile up for public consumption. Either I think you're a) too damn lazy or clueless to turn your profile off. or b) you're an attention seeking insecure person who craves attention.
If you're a) why in the hell would I waste my time, because you're obviously not smart enough to figure out how to fix your damn profile. And if you're that durn clueless, I don't even want to consider your insightful conversations (or lack thereof) that you have in your every day life. Oh, like wow, did you know that you can totally go to the mall and buy this rad new fashion? it's called Retro 80's and I swear it's totally the new thing. *twitches... must... resist....*
if you're b) well, then just damn well say so. I'll happily tell you how attractive you are, and I wont even bother hitting on you since your obviously owned. Fish away for compliments. I like compliments myself. In fact I love them, though honestly the best compliment someone can give to me is on their knees with their hands tied behind their back looking up at me with adoring eyes while thieir mouth wraps.... *coughs* uhhh, anyway yeah, I like being told I'm attractive and sexy. Just as much as anyone else. But at least I admit it. (this is a hint... you know....*nudge nudge*)
eh, I think I'll go brush my teeth and get some sleep.
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Well... this is one of those wierd weeks, where things are either feast or famine. Either I'm utterly isolated or alone, or I'm out going insane and busy and I feel wanted and desired and appriecated. Been in Atlanta, but heading back Monday. And in general, I'm having an ok time, despite the stresses in general in my world.
Can't complain. :)
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Currently, I'm in Georgia, relaxing visiting friends and family, and it's 4AM. I still have the worst sleeping habits and I end up staying awake until the sun rises. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid if I fall asleep before the sun rises, that I will wake up and found it's never risen. I eat my skittles in 3s and I don't eat the ends of my french fries. I love cherry coke, and I need to run more....
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Just a snippit of a fragment of an idea for a story
Cuirithir stood at the edge of the surf, staring off across the ocean. He heard her walk up behind him as the last radience of dusk faded to let the stars shine. He remained unmoving as she spoke, her voice a soft whisper in the breeze.
"Everytime I awake, I find you standing here." He felt her move beside him, "And everytime I ask what the ocean means to you, you walk away." Her voice remained calm, but he sensed the underlying consternation.
Cuirithir remained motionless as he waited for her to continue her thoughts.
"All these years, I've waited for you to realize you were meant for the night, for the darkness that we live in. But each time, I see you grasping the last rays of the light. I wonder, are you truely happy with what you are?"
"I've always missed the day," he remained motionless, his lips barely moving. "But the Calliach wanted to create something more enduring." Cuirithir let his hand close as anger and something close to lament, creeped into his voice, "And enduring I have become. I've watched everyone I know and love grow old, Die, and still I remain." He turned, his eyes flashing a dull red. "And still, I remember what i was," His hand shot out, touching her with ease, sending her back several steps. "And YOU," he hissed, "don't understand that you cannot, and will not change me."
Her expression had been one of shock at his eruption, but her expression smoothed over as she began to smile. "my little pet. Do you really think you could resist me if I decide to exert myself? Do you really want me to break your mind and devour your soul?" She laughed and walked away.
Cuirithir looked in her direction and shook his head, not in defeat, but in decision, "Not yet Calliach, Not yet."
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Werll I need to make a minor correction on my rant about Heavy Metal. I like Priest, and I like old Metallica. My grief is with the lack of additional choices in the musical department. Heavy Metal isn't a representation of how I dress or what i like. But I'd love to see Goth, Industrial, Thrash and Death Metal mentioned. I know they want to keep the catagories generic and all that, but in that case they should change the term Heavy metal to simply Metal. Or include at least another, related catagory for people to better define their musical tastes. :)
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"This Joke has gone to far..." -MSI Yeah, my entire life is one big ole MSI song it seems. But in the meantime, I'm just going to do my best and work my way through this sloppy mess I've created for myself. I was going to mention that I really like candy. I am a candy a holic. Gummy bears, skittles, M and M's Candy Cigs, Blow pops. smarties. I don't like chocolate as much, oddly enough, but I do keep some around the house. However if you ever see my place, yes there is lots of candy around.
I'm also a confusing combo of a slightly messy neat freak. I don't mind a pair of socks laying around and my desk is usually a cluttered mess, but I hate foody laying around or glasses or anything that's unsanitary floating around. That's a generally quick way to make me grind me teeth to nubbins. So, don't do it. you won't get punished for it, you simply be ignored.
I'm such an ass, but at least I'm not afraid to tell you ahead of time where some of the landmines are with me. you know what to expect and you know where you stand. Just don't stand over there. :)
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"After this, the rest is all bullshit." -MSI So, it's 5am, and I'm here updating my journal that no one reads, (probably because no one knows I am using the journal here) and I realize that i just spent the last 4 hours working on connecting mysql to a php website. Mind you, I haven't finished yet, as I spent the entire evening setting mysql up and figuring out all the random little shit tha happens when you're trying to figure out how the system is set up. So it works, I can log in, I can connect and edit add records, delete records. rawr. now I want to get the php side set up, so I can edit from a webpage. Add records, delete records, edit records, search. Mind you, just for the insult factor, (or perhaps the masochistic factor) I'm doing this all by hand.
And of course, once I do this, I'll get started on the real project. which should be amusing and interesting to create and craft. this isn't exactly what I got my degree in, but you know, it's damn well close enough, and I know I can do it.
I'm curious, have women here been so bombarded by emails from random people asking if they'll suck their dick, that they won't bother responding to a general hello and hi and you seem to be interesting (at least your profile was interesting enough, that I thought it deserved a hello) and would you like to chat.
At least say, 'thanks but no thanks', If you're afraid someone is going to take you responding to say 'no thank you' as an invite to talk more, then toss them on ignore after you send the email. Otherwise, if would like to think if someone sends a respectful email, a respectul reply would be the proper thing to do.
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Ah, to yearn for the old days of the CRT Monitors. Brings back memories of what it was like back in the 80's on the internet. Yeah, I've been poking around online for half my life. *urks* Though Ironicly the monitors used a burnt Amber/Orange Color back in the day... Hmmm, perhaps I'll find that color at some point. I have no fucking clue why I'm writing a Journal Entry here. and tonight, at 3:30 am, except perhaps in a retaliation at having to wait for my bloody profile to be 'approved.' what they're afraid of, i have no clue, are they going to censor things on a BDSM website? Though I do like the idea of having no email or im info included. it does cut down on the number of spam accounts floating around. but I'd rather report abuse than have to have a blanket policy. I suppose i could simply change my profile everytime they approve it. but that would be petty and vindictive. After all, I can put another 1000 words of typing together just talking randomly about my writings and my thoughts and music that I enjoy. So, In my continuing efforts to NOT talk about BDSM (HA! you thought I'd talk about sex? on a BDSM website? *smirks* suffer), I figure I'll mention some of the bands I've learned to enjoy over the years.
1. The Cure - And to think many years, I used to mock this band Unmercifully. "Aren't they the same band as "The Smiths" I would ask with a playfully innocent style. A friend got me Mixed up. And then "Wild Mood Swings" came out. I was hooked. They have lush textures and a creativeness that has served them well over the last... oh, almost 30 years.
2. Fear Factory - The Only Concert I have ever been kicked out of. Spectacularly creative band. They straddle several different Genres. Death/Thrash/Industrial are among them. They are the Archetype band that created the concept of Mutable Singing with a hybrid Death/Industrial Sound. The singing is alternatingly clear, then deathy. And as a whole, their music is spectacular, driven and relentless.
3. Mindless Self Indulgence - I've tried to desribe this band to people before. And I fail. I rarely lack for words, but this band actually leaves me stumped. In fact I'm not sure why I like it so much, but notice they're right below my top 2 bands. Punk. Over the top beats and effects. Shocking and Obscene lyrics. The band sometimes may seem Immature, For someone who likes frentic hectic sound that overwhelms and makes you hold on for dear life. This is for you. If you prefer to control your music, Then run screaming from this band.
4. James Plotkin - Spectacularly Creative Guitarist. He tends to do lots of projects (Old, Khanate, Phantom Smasher, etc...) He started on an experimental Thrash band. Then changed pace, slow down into Experimental Ambient, now has changed gears and has branched out in to Dooooooooom Metal (I use that many 'o's because they measure out their songs on a stately (plodding) sub 40 beats per minute. To the Frentic Noise (Perhaps even more noise than Melt Banana) of Phantomsmasher. All over the map, but never uncreative. (notice a trend that creativity is paramount?)
I'll stop with four bands for now, perhaps I'll write more on them later. But for now I will bid my good reader adieu.
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| Age: 28 |
| Bordentown,
New Jersey |
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