When my Queen gives me instructions or requirements there is, even when not obvious to me, a method, a strategy, and a pattern to her plan.  Sometimes it is fairly clear, but more often not necessarily, beyond generally, as an training exercise or simply the exertion of her power and control over me. I know by this time that those things which aren't clear to me will become so at some point. My job is to do what I'm told without question and be ready for the next step, whenever and whatever that might be.  I have to admit that even when I think I would like more clarity sooner than she offers it, I have come most often to prefer being told what to do with little or no explanation.  I really love the intense feeling and submissive pleasure of obeying; obedience is now always a palpable rush, sometimes mild, more often very strong, but always present. It is one of the odd [to non-subs] pleasures of complete and immediate unquestioned submission to her authority.

It is and has been a very busy time with lots of changes in the works as spring and summer approach [one has to believe that winter will finally pass away] and as my Queen had hoped and planned--2014 should be a very significant year in achieving or moving toward all of her goals, including the establishment of a multi-slave poly household.  My submission has continued to deepen significantly over the past months and she has become much more interested in the use of restraints, bondage, confinement, and various instruments of corporal punishment than she once was.  This has more to do with training and her increase desire for control--emotional, intellectual, and physical than with punishment as such.  I am now also on a daily diet of golden, both hers and my own, and frequent showers are in the future. Because pleasing her and serving her are what I have been trained to do and because obedience is both a requirement and an inclination for me, I have never been more fulfilled as a slave than I have recently and I will be even more as she proceeds with her training of me and progressing toward her short and long-range plans.  The deeper my submission becomes, the more owned and controlled I feel and consequently the greater my adoration and worship of her.  I look forward to where she is taking me [although I certainly don't know exactly] and what she will be doing to me--including greater submission not only to her but to others, and increased mental and physical control and restraint.   

I didn't realize that it had been a year since my last journal entry; it's not because it has been an uneventful year. On the contrary, it has been one so filled with activity that is has been difficult to have the time to write journal entries that would be meaningful to me and also and hopefully useful to others. A lot of the activity has involved various family illnesses, moves, professional activity, and other mundane but essential events and responsibilities that life entails.  So the plans and goals that my Queen has set have progressed but not as rapidly as she or I would have hoped. But the new year brings fresh resolve and even more ambitious goals, which have changed quite radically already during the first month, but all it seems very much for the better, and I am very excited about the coming months that will involve my further training and always increasingly deeper submission to her as her plans are implemented. I will be elaborating on these things in future entries.  Meanwhile, I am more than ever--her pet, jewel, sissy boi, owned and collared slave, and cuckold.  I am both her creation and possession, serving, adoring, obeying, and worshiping with gratitude for the privilege of complete enslavement to her power and superiority.  

It has been quite awhile since I have posted due to the usual sidetracks, road blocks, and detours that life presents, including some serious family issues for both myself and my Queen.  But, even though thwarted and slowed, our relationship has continued to evolve It's and deepen. To be succinct: I am the owned and collared slave of a Superior Black Woman who loves me--and, as far as I am concerned, nothing could be better than that! To be loved--and owned by this powerful woman is extraordinary. There is no longer me, there is only her[s]. I live in, through, and for her. The ideal is for a submissive to be nothing but what his domme has made him, and she has fashioned her slave from some of the qualities’ I brought and melded them with those she desired--no required--me to have, meanwhile completely eliminating those she did not want.  She is so wise, intuitive, and persuasive that under her complete domination and rigorous training, which I not only accepted, but embraced, I am now free of me, and totally her[s].  There is no longer the question of what I am to be, and therefore it is palpably clear who and what I am not to be. Such clarity is sublime, as is she. 

New journal entries and updates coming soon.

I have realized through my service and training that being submissive [about which there is no doubt that I am], and submission are neither analogous nor are they in an inevitable cause/effect relationship Being submissive is a personality trait, a desire or attribute that is part of an given individual's genetic imprint. Submission, on the other hand, is a physical act, or a purposeful behavioral choice in which the submissive cedes all authority for his actions and behavior to another individual or group. He gives up all responsibility for determining his actions and takes direction from an exterior source rather than an internal need.

When that happens he discovers that while both his submissive penchants and his conscious choice to submit are necessary attributes of submission, they are not sufficient. The final and most difficult step is obedience—strict and total—to the wishes, desires, dictates, demands, and requirements of another person. Only when he learns to obey and then accepts it as a natural, normal, and immediate thing to do, can total submission be achieved. This requires both an extraordinarily powerful, patient, resourceful, strong, and knowledgeable domme, and a submissive with, ironically enough, the same kinds of attributes that reflect in mirror-image the domme's: will, strength, commitment, tenacity, trust. and desire.

As has been frequently pointed out, it is only a strong individual who can give himself totally to another. But no matter how strong the need, the desire, the conscious will to submit, and no matter how extraordinary the powers and skills of the domme, learning to really obey is never easy. But that process must take place and once it is accomplished the pay-off is life changing and the submission is deep and profound. It is where the sub wants and needs to be, where the domme requires him to be, and nothing, I believe, in any sort of dynamic between two people, is any more intense.

free to be

i am me

but i am not free

she has enslaved me

and only she

decides who and what

i am to be

Some of my "personal" thoughts on love in the femdomme world, addressing FAQ's and debated topics on this and other alternative sites:.

Q: Can a slave be loved by his Queen?

A:  Yes, if he is lucky, and the Queen feels he is deserving of her love. [This does not mean she is in-love with her sub.]

Q: Can I slave love his Queen?

A:  Not only can he, but he should, even if the love is not reciprocal. The greater his love, the deeper his submission.

Q: Can a slave be a lover?

A:  NEVER! Once he becomes a slave, he can never be a "lover" of his Queen or anyone else. [If his Queen chooses to have occasional penetrative sex with him, that is her option. It doesn't negate or alter his status] A slave who doesn't accept this has probably not fully understood nor embraced submissiveness and/or the essential requirements for being a slave--which are not only physical, but emotional and rational.  It is the difference between acting submissive and "being" submissive. [see poem above.]

The past several days have been very busy and active for Mistress and me.  A great many things that have been simmering for several months are now beginning to reach a full boil and there could be a great many developments that will begin to impact both the short and long-term desires and goals of Mistress.  It is very exciting--frequently overwhelming-- to experience the deepening and widening of her control over an increasing number of subjects and the expansion of her dominion and domain. I am so proud and grateful to be collared and owned by her and to observe her Superior Black Queen powers and goals being set and met.  It is sublime to experience ever deepening submission and adoration, which inflames my worship of her and devotion to her.

Submission to superiority is natural and normal.  A difference in a D/s relationship is that superiority is clearly recognized, defined, formalized, highly structured, and unwavering. My submission to Mistress and the dynamic is made even more intensive by a factor of three, because she is: 1) a strong, powerful, confident woman, 2) An extremely dominant woman, and 3) a Superior Black Woman.  I find this combination extraordinarily compelling and irresistible as a submissive male. Not only do I want to serve, but I also want to adore and worship.  Under the influence of her intense and complex aura and through the benefit of her training I quickly realized that obedience--which is a core necessity of a D/s relationship--was not a burden but instead it almost immediately became a compulsive desire.  I wanted, more than anything, not only to learn to obey, but to do it willingly and eagerly.  Learning to obey quickly became the factor which drove my transformation from not just submitting but to "being" completely submissive. I discovered that feeling submissive is a necessary but not sufficient component of "being" a submissive.  Reacting properly, eagerly, and quickly to orders and requirements--behaving submissively is not as easy or innate as feeling submissive. When it became obedience that compelled me and not just submissiveness, I knew I was on my way to serving Mistress' needs and requirements and not my own wants.  I knew it was the first step to becoming a true submissive. My collaring and slavery would soon follow and I now eagerly and willingly obey with enthusiasm. I am hers. I am owned. My "being" was no longer defined by me. I knew now the reality of submission and it was even better than I had ever imagined. 

I said a few months back in my journal that I felt it was actually easier for a D/s relationship to broaden, deepen, mature, and evolve--and I would now like to report that it has been even more true for me than I had believed it could be.  Trust, honesty, openness, and full disclosure can't be avoided in a successful and viable D/s relationship that doesn't contradict the very notion of dominance and submission; service and total devotion enables the two [or more] partners in TPE to be building, solidifying, and deepening that relationship by actually living it.  The clarity and transparency of the D/s dynamic defines both the daily roles and interactions and provides the substance for enhancing and improving the experience for both.  There is no need to take "time out," as there is in a vanilla relationship, to discuss and "work on" the relationship.  That is the essence of the relationship itself between a Mistress and her sub/slave.  The work is in the play.

When nothing gets ignored or delayed until another day, there is not only great satisfaction for both, but there is inevitably a deepening and "elevating" bond of understanding and trust that occurs so naturally that it's almost magical.  The practice and the performance are one and the same thing. That doesn't mean that everything is always perfect, but the movement is always toward that goal without even thinking about it.  Being who you have been clearly defined as being and doing what you are clearly expected to do allows you as a sub/slave to increase your adoration and worship of your Mistress because that's what both you and she want and what defines the practice and the performance.  When there's no guessing, no fudging, no uncertainly, no lying, the pursuit of perfection is always possible and palpable and failure is only that a certain level of perfection not yet achieved.  It's quite wonderful and paradoxically simple and complex--elegant.

Mistress has recently placed  a second male sub under her domination as she builds toward a poly house of at least 3-4 slaves who will serve her every need and desire.  She is planning for an initiation and meeting this summer of her now two current slave bois to begin our in tandem training in order to learn to fill the roles she has envisioned and will define for each of us and both of us.  Part of that training will include the two of us serving a BBC under her guidance and control. We are both eager for this to happen so we will be able to please and obey our Superior Black Mistress in every way she requires.

Mistress has now required me to search for a submissive white female, age 40 and older, who wishes to serve a Superior Black Queen, eventually as a member of a poly house where she would reign supreme and be served and worshiped by 3-4 submissives. If you are interested please, at Mistress request, contact me with your initial interest and qualifications.  Should you prove acceptable to her, she will then contact you.  If there is mutual interest and agreement it will be my responsibility to instruct you in the proper, appropriate, and required ways to serve her with total obedience and submission, as I do.

bleaf

A couple of things on the second and bonus day of the new year:

1. I would encourage everyone to carefully read profiles and journals to make certain you have understood exactly who the person you are contacting is and wants, as revealed in the information they have provided.  While we all, who have been here for any time at all, know there are many fakers, liars, deceivers, and poseurs lurking about on CM, it is also the case, at least from my own experience, that many people simply don't read carefully the accurate and honest information that has been provided in a profile and/or in journal entries and seem surprised when they realize they have been mistaken because of careless reading rather than in any way misled.

2. All relationships of any kind--vanilla or alternative--evolve in complex, sometimes very interesting and unexpected ways, sometimes in ways that are positive, sometimes negative, sometimes neither, they just alter.  That's both the beauty and the difficulty of human beings and human relationships.  As I've said other times and places, it is my experience that those changes are more open, transparent, honest, and clear in D/s relationships than in vanilla ones.  But even so, there are periods when in spite of total openness, honesty, and trust we can sense or feel a change or evolution in a D/s relationship without either party quite understanding exactly what or how things are morphing.  Clarity eventually emerges if the relationship is honest and transparent but not necessarily immediately and maybe not at the same time for both Domme and sub.  Welcome to life and another year.  Happy New Year!

Among the many things Mistress desires is for me--in addition to sucking BBC--to clean out her sweet pussy after she has been joyfully penetrated by a BBC.  For me, that act is no longer just an act of obedience, but an additional and profound act of worship and a physical manifestation of the adoration I have come to have for her; it's no longer merely submission.  An act which would be unthinkable in a vanilla relationship and probably thought perverse even by some kinksters is for me now another opportunity to serve.  And because of the astonishingly powerful dynamic of our D/s relationship and her Superiority, every act that pleases her has become for me an act of devotion.  When submission evolves into adoration and the desire to worship, not just obey, nothing could be more authentic or intense.

Happy Birthday my Superior Black Queen.   Wish I were close enough to be able to serve, pamper, and please you even more today than I always try to.  May the day bring you everything you desire and deserve and begin the next phase of your increasing power, authority, and superiority.  Thank you for enslaving, collaring, and owning me.  No one has ever given me more.  I am privileged to be your slave.

I think it is much more likely that a relationship between a domme and her sub will continuously broaden, deepen, and evolve than is probable, or maybe even possible, between two individuals in a vanilla relationship because the power dynamic is always foregrounded and the roles clearly defined.  That is not always, maybe even rarely,  the case in the vanilla world.  The D/s model is predicated on the concept that the relationship is the core around which all interaction revolves.  That clarity supports the growth and evolution of both the domme and the sub and their relationship to each other; that dynamic is very exciting and satisfying to be a part of--very powerful and wonderful.

I found that once I really fully understood and accepted what submission requires, not only in terms of what one does, but also in every aspect of how one thinks, obedience itself--learning to want obey always and in every way--is itself incredibly erotic.  Even when you are not actively carrying out a task, an order, or a requirement, you are physically and mentally alive and charged with the deep desire to obey.

I have been attempting to frame a response to a question about the stages of a relationship--and the similarities and differences between an evolving vanilla relationship and one based on a D/s dynamic.  Realizing the each incidence will vary in each case, and vary even more among couples, I am still finding it fascinating enough to fuss with the "mystery" until the the frustration outweighs the pleasure--or until Mistress finds more important things for me to be looking after.  I believe, at least from my own experiences, that such an exercise might be revealing--maybe even useful.  If I come up with something that seems cogent and interesting enough I will enter it into my journal.

I certainly wish those who are sincere and authentic in their quest the very best in finding what and who they are looking for.  It's not easy, but it can be done even on a place as filled with charlatans and buzzing, bating, BS'ing mosquitoes as CM.  I encourage you to persist through the pests.  If you do find that person, you may be rewarded even beyond your highest expectations and wildest fantasies  I certainly have!  And it gets better each day. 

I certainly have no objection to everyone pursuing their own desires and kink--as long as it's legal and consensual.  We humans are a very complex species and the number of things that appeal to individuals are about as numerous as the population.  Dickens had one of his cockney characters refer to us and our various proclivities as "the human warrious" [as in various]. 

But I do have difficulties understanding those folks who get their kicks playing games on CM.

I can understand the hesitancy in getting one's feet wet, as it were, and the initial dipping of one's toe in, pulling it out, putting it in quickly and then withdrawing it again as if it were either too hot or too cold.  But once they find a comfortable temperature, make the plunge and initiate a contact that seems quite comfortable, even ideal, and even say so, I'm at a complete loss to understand behavior that is then filled with evasion, lying, and simple rudeness, and total dishonesty.  That's one kink I don't get.  It's not illegal, but it isn't consensual.

There must be something thrilling in this sort of game-playng, but I'm not able to get my head around it.  I once thought that all the carping that goes on about fakers, game-players, and poseurs on CM was highly exaggerated and and itself a kind of posturing.  I was terribly wrong. 

Not the first time I've been wrong and won't be the last, unless I finally accept the fact that such individuals are to be found everywhere--like flies at a picnic they buzz around and irritate as many people as possible and infest us all as they lay their maggoty eggs in our mail and chat-lines before moving on to their next outing.

My Mistress, Queen, Domme, Superior Black Female and owner who I love, adore, worship, and live to serve compels my servitude, requires my obedience, and completes my enslavement through her loving dominance, for which I am grateful.  Her wisdom and power insure my submission, and my trust in her allows me to remain enthralled and totally ready and willing to do whatever she requires and desires of me, and to provide anything that pleases and satisfies her.  I have truly leaned real submission and real service from her training and guidance, and my realization that she deserves such service.  She has me entwined both literally and figurative in a beautiful enslavement focused on her .  Real submission and service is a slave's place, reward, and duty.  I thank my Mistress for allowing me this opportunity and teaching me to honor it and her.