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So, I guess this is my deion of myself and important things to know about me. This is probably going to get far too long and complex for the typical "about me" section, so I don't expect many people to actually read it... But, hey, it's not like I didn't warn people!
The Short:
I'm a kinky, photo-taking coyote and a little bit of a brat...Or rather, a total brat.
The Long:
To start, for anyone who may not have already guessed, Belah, is not my given name. It's a nickname--or rather, pen-name from when I used to write inappropriate things...
I'm never quite sure what it is that I should tell others about myself. Mostly, because I don't want to offend anyone and I really don't like have to actually explain myself because more often than not, I don't even understand me.
Often times I've heard people refer to their gender as fluid, or their role in this lifestyle--even someone at a romp say that they're species fluid. And I think that's the most comprehensive deion I can give.
I can tell you I'm one way now, but in a few minutes, I'll be someone totally different. And no, I do not mean different personalities. Merely, I feel like I'm ever changing and so afraid to get stuck in a rut that I can never quite settle on one thing. So, for all intents-and-purposes, I'm a walking contradiction.
I'm a submissive that is stubborn and bull-headed, that's strong and independent but weak and fragile. I'm a brilliant air-head and whatever other oxymoron you want to throw out there.
But, I'm working on accepting, that this is me. I haven't quite mastered that yet, but I'm hoping some day I will.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin, I want to be proud of who I am and everything I've achieved and accomplished. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the reflection staring back.
But, first, I need to remember that it doesn't matter what other people think, that I can't depend on them to make me feel how I want to feel. Which then leads to a whole conundrum of contradictions as to well, how can you be submissive and eager to please if you blah blah blah... you know where this story is going. And if you don't, let me save you the trouble--it's going nowhere, just spinning in circles as it makes it's way down the drain.
Important things that I should share, especially for those of you who would seek friendship: I'm not an easy person. At all.
I'm a clinically depressed, socially anxious, hyper-active tornado.
Yes, I'm medicated, and yes, for the most part--we all have times when we're just sobbing messes--I'm a fully functional member of society.
But, that takes a lot out of me.
I'm terrified of people, of saying the wrong thing, of making a bad joke--of offending someone. I'm paranoid that everyone I meet is judging me, that I'm not funny enough, that I'm not skinny enough, that I'm not submissive enough, that I'm not something.
And that's not your problem, it's mine. I know that. But, try not to take it personal--I don't mean it, and a lot of times, I can't really control it.
When I meet new people I tend to spew from the mouth uncontrollably until I eventually stick my foot so far down my throat it's coming right back out of my ass.
Sadly, I'm also really good at doing that with some of my best friends. Which is why, quality trumps quantity in my life. My nearest and dearest know who I am deep down and can take it with a grain of salt.
But, that's not always me, sometimes I'm a bouncing ball of energy that tends to get on people's nerves like a small child that just keeps asking: "are we there yet?"
Though, if you can handle that and take it for what it is, you'll get to see what's hidden underneath of there: a loving, caring, passionate, photo-taking, twisted bitch. ;)
KINK
So, yes, now that we've covered the crazy and the vanilla, what about the kinky shit?
Well, that is something I'm still working on and will probably be working on for a long time to come.
I often ponder my orientation as far as mono- or poly- and here's where I have the issue: If I can exist with all of my likes and dislikes, why can't someone else? Then the argument of, individuality and no two are the same. I can argue this one in circles for days.
Okay, so just sum it up would you? Well, I suppose this is how I'll best describe it, I'm mono-flexible. And what does that even mean? For me, I can best explain it as this: I was raised to believe monogamy was what we all strive to find. However, aren't we all a little poly? It's all a matter of interpretation really, so to me, I love many people in my life, but I can love and have connections without sex. Not to say it's not up for negotiation but it's not a high priority.
For me, the connection and the bond with the person are the most important part of any relationship. And it's hard for me to really focus my attention on more than one person at a time, unless those two are occupying vastly different areas/fulfilling different needs. Otherwise, I feel as if I'm cheating. So, yes, I can be poly. Like a wise dog once told me, I need to make sure my needs are being met, or how can I be happy and fulfilled?
I'm still relatively new to the lifestyle and learning my kinks and limits--I know I have a lot of things that I am curious about. So, I guess I'm looking to explore those things and learn more and just find more like minded people.
...Yeah so I think this went on more than long enough.
That being said, if I have not met you in person or we have not exchanged messages, I will not accept a friend request.
Attention: All images posted, unless otherwise noted, are copyrighted and are not public domain. Use of these images is prohibited without express permission. Thank you.
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So, as of late I've been bored and browsing through profiles--
In my browsing the number of "Doms" that state they are looking for new or inexperienced s-types, would be laughable if it did not scream predatory. When a D-type states something of this sort, it reads as: No one in the local community will touch me so I'm forced to prey on new and unwitting s-types. I've actually met a few of these types and what's scarier? That many s-types think that equates experience.
Oh, and then there's my other favorite: I have so much experience it'd be impossible for me to not know everything! I may as well be God! Oh, and I'm only 18!
Some of the most capable tops I know have been in the scene/lifestyle a short time, typically less than 5 years. Length of time in the lifestyle does not equate capability. Just because you tell me that you have boat loads of experience, does not mean I will play with you. And just because you don't have much at all, does not mean I won't play with you.
What matters is chemistry. Does the s-type feel safe with the D-type, or is that person recommend or referred by a close, trust-worthy friend/play-partner.
I could go on and on about this topic, but what's the point? I often question why I bother keeping this profile open because I'm not necessarily looking for anything more than friends, but find that I receive an overwhelming amount of demanding or sexually driven messages.
Just because I'm kinky doesn't mean I'm easy or don't have standards. Quite the opposite, I know who I am and I won't settle for less than I deserve. And while some find my honesty and blunt statements as a lack of submission, it just proves my point. You have to give respect to earn it, just because you claim to be a D-type doesn't mean you're MY D-type, nor am I, your s-type, so don't assume otherwise.
That is all... Continue with your evening.
-Belah |
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Is one of my worst habits and biggest hurdles to overcome.
When I can get in that frame of mind that I don't have to think, don't have to worry that something might be wrong, that I didn't say or do the right thing, or any of the other million thoughts I have, I can enjoy myself.
Then, the real world comes crashing down.
I recently had the joy of experiencing my first con-drop and, quite frankly, it was terrible.
Over half of my problems stem from my fluctuating mood and far from solid emotional state. So when I drop, I drop quick and I drop hard.
I'm not sure how to avoid such instances, or if it's even possible--short of removing myself or anything that could cause such things from my life.
But then, what would be the point?
Perhaps, the key is exposure therapy? The combination of the newness with the overall experience could be what is causing the overload.
Add into that the new people I meet in association...
I know I'm far from the easiest person to be around--that a lot of times I can make a mountain out of a grain of sand (yes I know that is not the right metaphor or whatever, making a point,) but I'd like to think that being my friend/getting to know me, makes up for that. Maybe not for everyone, but for the people that count.
So, a brief summary: I think too much. I'm emotional and I cry--a lot. But I'm also loving and thoughtful, that I put others' needs in front of my own and I am loyal and honest.
And when you think I'm being a bitch--the secret is, I'm just scared. I don't know what to do or what to say, so I tend to stick my foot in my mouth.
I really suck at social relations... |
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| Age: 18 |
| Port St. Lucie,
Florida |
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