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bbwandsingle2005

bbwandsingle2005 - photo 1
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Friends:
SinbadMasterDark11411MuoakMasterJimBeamragdoll65
DiablooftheniteNCBigfootWhiskeyEyes

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i am only seeking someone local!!

i want to find someone who is genuine, who truly cares, and agrees to my requests and is considerate of my boundaries with my husband. i want to find someone who makes me smile, makes me feel beautiful, wanted, desired, needed. Someone who is real and quite amazing!

i have learned that i am better suited for a Daddy Dom. i need to be me and not something i am not. i need someone who can provide support, nurture, care, and keep in my routines in a caring and loving way, and still allow for my limits to be pushed and tried.

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8/15/2016 5:03:49 PM
He woke me up, only to send me back to sleep. Two glorious weeks of being ME again! To finally being on the path of what I have craved for the longest, and now I'm back to the caring, compassionate friend helping to save a marriage! Why do I care so much? Why do I put myself out there for this ONE particular person... Knowing my gut says He and i will never be what I crave. Yet, I'm still hoping and praying! Some how I need to find a way to stop these emotions for this ONE particular person so I don't cause myself any more pain or misery or headache . So fucking close, yet too soon, and not close enough! Oh well, back to being dormant again...

8/14/2012 8:54:58 AM

"Skin"

by Sixx A.M.

 

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus
Step out of the shadows
It's a losing battle
There's no need to be ashamed

Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin

Oh [X2]

When they start to judge you
Show them your true colors
And do onto others
As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you got
That you are not your skin

OHHHHHHHHHH

Well they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not
That you are not your skin

Oh [X2]


7/27/2012 8:12:56 PM

I'm lost. I'm vacant. I'm unraveling at the seams. 

I can't see  color. I can't see red.

I can't feel any more. These thoughts have consumed me.

They are everything to me. I breathe in more thoughts to fuel the desire.

Something i yearn for that i've never had.

Watching I become jealous

I want what they have. 

I want to give that control up to you again. 


Only you were the ONE for me.

Only you had that emotional attachment

Only you had that control.

You spoke words into my soul that caused me to turn to putty in your hands.

You were shaping me and molding me.

You are still to distant 

I can't read your mind

I can't see your face. I can't see in through the windows to your soul.

I want to know you.

Your deepest secrets I want to know.

Your deepest, nastiest fantasy I want to fill for you.



7/27/2012 6:36:21 AM

I so want what I am missing. I want this that i crave so desperately. its eating away at me... i'm getting to a point where ideas are creeping into my mind so that i can get what i want, yet i need to be faithful, truthful and honest... oh what is a sub to do? missing that certain someone's control... missing that certain someone who waited so long... ugh this is agony... to be a sub and be unused... i know this is what i chose, but didn't listen or realize how much this would consume me. didn't see myself as a person NEEDING this but now i am in desperate need!!! Does that even make sense? Do i make sense at all? why oh why did you leave? why did you have to go? why did i wait so long? STILL KICKING MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!


4/23/2012 10:43:22 AM

This past weekend my hubby and I went to SwingBreak 2012. Its a swingers and bdsm kind of camping weekend. It was a blast!

Last year when we went in October I had A LOT of fun but also drank too much got sick and missed out on a ton more fun that I could have had. An amazing friend of mine, whom I've talked with for MANY years, and I finally met in person. He has always told me that the toys are not mean to inflict pain unless the person holding them intends to inflict pain. Like I was against the idea of the whip and a cane and a few other things... But its all in the way they are handled and used. Unfortunately my friend moved to the other side of the country... :( So now i kick myself every day for not meeting him in person sooner!!!!


Any way, this weekend he was not there :( but we did have a BDSM 101 presentation. Nothing that I didn't already know but just the fact that hubby was there and heard what I've been telling him for a long time from someone else was very helpful. He said he enjoyed watching the slave's facial expressions and body movements as different toys were demonstrated on her. (If you enjoyed that, just wait til ya see mine!!!) We got to talk to the demonstrator and his slave. And then he started talking with another couple so hubby and I moved on.


A little while later, here comes the demonstrator with a candle lighter and germx and says I heard you have an interest... My face LIT up and I got all excited like a kid in a candy store... He asked if I wanted to experience it I was like ohh can we can we can we??????? YES YES!!!!! YES!!!!! He says ok how, where... I said now, here, I don't care, you tell me i'm game! So it was decided to play on my back... I was like ah.... so excited. the sensation of the heat on various parts of my back sent me into a world of pure bliss and happiness.... I know my hubby couldn't see my face b/c he was watching what was going on with my back and how this was being done. The demonstrator explained how to safely do this to me. Oh I was so tickled... I know that I'm still beaming!


I so can't wait for hubby to learn to do this and so much more. I know its going to take time but without it, I'm so lost.... Can't wait to become so very active again!


1/13/2012 6:07:27 AM

AUUGHHHH Really.... some people come across as idiots... I'm not stupid or that f'ing gullible. Just b/c I'm on here does NOT mean that I will meet you as soon as you talk to me. You are not freaking reading my damn profile. Seriously... From now on I will not respond to anyone who is from out of state or can't abide by what I want/ need which is CLEARLY stated in my profile. READ IT  you f'ing idiots! that's why its there! Guess I need to go in and delete all of my pictures and put up ones of me AND my husband.  I DO NOT and WILL NOT meet anyone without them talking to him. No one f'ing idiot on here has asked to talk to him. NOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am really beginning to think this is a huge waste of space and time.... F'ing IDIOTS!!!!!!!!! Can't freaking read a profile before they say hey wanna meet this morning?! Uhhh NO loser, # 1 you didn't read my profile, # 2 if you did you have a blatant disregard for my boundaries and # 3 i don't know you from the next smojoe... so why in the world would I want to go and meet you this morning just b/c you are in the same town im in? There are over a million people in this town, you think I just meet up with anyone? Geesh. Again, F'ing IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm done venting for now only b/c i have to get ready to go work. 


1/5/2012 8:27:16 AM

I have to say sometimes its fun to find out the lies that have been told over the years. These lies have made complete sense of all the madness now. At least I can say that I'm not pretending to be something I'm not. I'm exactly who I say I am. I do what I say I do. Why do people try to imitate what they see? Why do they attempt to be someone they really aren't? You can try to be like someone else, but in the end, you're actions don't match. Research all you want and all you're gonna find is the truth.  And to think the lies that were told were supposedly the truth and only because they cared. What a crock of sh--!!!!  I honestly just had to sit here and laugh my butt off because of what I've learned. Me of all people? Couldn't it have been someone else? I know I'm not the best person in the world. I know I'm a bit naive but geesh... Some people need to get a real life and stop worrying about so much other crap they have no control over.  Life changes. Get over it and move on. 

 

I'm glad to know that I'm better than the lies. Even though I'm overweight, my personality, passion, loyalty and love make me so much better.  I'm also glad to know that those who matter don't look at the size of a person's body... those that matter look deeper than what their eyes see. 

 

I recently found out an old "Dom"/friend of mine really did get married a few months back. All I can say is that I hope he is happy and has what he wants. I wish him and her the best of luck in their marriage. I hope that they lead a drama free life and actually complete each other. I know nothing of this one he married but for him to marry it must have been something special to him! Like I said I wish them the best of luck! 

 

Ok enough of my ramblings! LOL 


12/22/2011 8:35:53 PM

Some things just aren't meant to be.... Guess I still have a lot to learn... Like speaking up before its too late. By keeping my mouth shut and not making known my wants, desires and feelings, i don't get what I want b/c no one knows. I have to stop being afraid of taking certain chances. years of waiting and then things change in a moment. We had what we "needed and wanted" then... it was gone. So now we have to start ALL over again. Do you know how frustrating it is to find someone like this ONE who's now too far out of reach?! This ONE understood the situation Guess i should just give up this hope and want and need.... 


11/18/2011 7:11:02 AM

Wow! I haven't written in quite a while!!! I just want to say that I hesitated for a number of years at meeting one particular person. This ONE person who i will call "M", stayed in contact with me since 2005 or 2006... They were my sounding board for the most part. But always there. No matter what I was doing or who I was playing with, he was always there with advice and an ear. At one point in time I lived too far away from him to meet. Then I moved closer and still hesitated to meet. I can't explain why I hesitated because I honestly don't know why. But finally after all this time, we got to meet back in September at an adult camping party. We did get to "play" a little bit. He got to meet my husband as well and they seemed to get a long! My problem was that I let myself get so drunk that I got sick and ruined the night. M got to play with others and do demonstrations, but I was sick and was not able to participate. Well after that weekend I learned that M had to move away to the other side of the US... I was CRUSHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And kicking myself for allowing myself to get so drunk that i got sick and unable to play. Now he's too far away, again. But its supposed to be only temporary. My husband was even pleased with him. He said that M was a lot more respectable to me and my husband than most others have been. 

     M I know that you will probably read this... so I/We want you to know that we do miss you and can't wait for you to come back to this side of the states! I promise I won't let it take so long before we get together again to play... 


7/19/2011 12:24:29 PM

There's something about words creating closure. I have said good bye to the same person over and over and over and over. But it never seemed to be enough. I guess I just didn't chose the right words in the past to get my message across.  Finally after lies and broken promises, I found the words to tell this one person bye for good. I wish them much luck and success in finding someone new and not to wait for me. If they continue waiting for me, they'll miss out on a lot because I am no longer waiting for them. I haven't been waiting for them for a number of years. I just couldn't put myself in that situation again only to be hurt again. I don't even know if they will ever read this or not. 
Sometimes I want them to read what I write so they can be hurt by the fact that its not them in my life. I want them to hurt as much if not more than how much they hurt me. I want to know that they are jealous, angry, hurt, still wanting me, craving me, needing me, desiring me. Just to rub it in their face that they CAN'T  have me any more. I'm too far out of their reach. 
They had their chance, they blew it. They chose to lie to me and to be with more than me, all the while not being honest about it. They made promises they never intended to keep. I was faithful and diligent to them. I gave everything I had for them. I waited for them. I created drama in my life while waiting for them to rescue me. I had to wait for help that never came. So when help came from a different source, I accepted. NOW they are in rescue mode and want to rescue me. 
Sorry, but you're way too late. Now you have to live with your choices. You made the bed of thorns/roses, so now you can lay in it and think of what you've given up. You will NEVER find another exactly like me. I'm one of a kind. I'm special. I was totally committed, open, honest and all yours but you blew it. Now I'm someone else's. Well 2 someone else's lol . My husband first and a new Dom. Someone that pays attention to what I say, how i feel, what i want, what i need. Someone that actually puts forth effort. Someone that actually carries on a conversation with me. Someone that isn't building me up for failure. Someone that communicates with me. Someone that wants to use me for their pleasure knowing that pleases me. Someone that lets me know i please them and make them happy. Someone that is involved in more than just words. Someone that doesn't tell me just what i want to hear.  And remaining friends will not work b/c we end up talking about the past and how to fix the mistakes and you wanting me again. I can't go through it all again. I'm done. I'm finished. You have no control over me any more. I'm done. I've been done for a while. I wanted to see if there was anything possible but you weren't willing to take a chance. You weren't willing to make the 6 hr. drive. You weren't willing. So good bye. For ever, for good. Although I can't help but to hope you keep up with me  through my writings so you can see how well and happy i end up becoming. Knowing you get jealous would just be icing on the cake for me! 
Its YOUR loss, not mine. I waited... You said no.... 


7/19/2011 11:12:38 AM

I haven't really written here in quite a while. Then again I haven't really been active either! Well, that's changing!!!! There's been ONE constant through out my life the past 5-6 years now. This ONE is still chasing me LOL And has the memory of an elephant!!!!!! This ONE remembers every time i whined and cried about "Will". This ONE remembers how much I was hurt. This ONE remembers a LOT, which I have to admit really surprises me. And even knowing I am married and that hubby is to be part of all this, this ONE is still chasing me!  We've been talking about things since i now live so much closer to this ONE. I have to admit, i'm getting excited at the thought of being "me" again. Really being the sub that I am... I just wanna jump up and down like a lil school girl,  I'm so excited!!! Going out and being seen again. Playing again, experience new sensations again. Being condition and trained and eventually collared... Isn't that the dream of all subs? LOL  More later as this all unfolds!!!!


6/22/2011 7:54:57 AM

I heard this song this morning. For some reason is resonates so well with someone in my past!!!! 

 

Breaking Benjamin's Lights Out:

 

 

I am done pretending

You have failed to find what's left

I will suck you dry again

Some are not worth saving

You are such a pretty mess

I will choke the life within

 

Now you want to take me down

As if i even care

I am the monster in your head

And i thought you'd learn by now

It seems you haven't yet

I am the venom in your skin

 

And now your life is broken

 

After the lights go out on you

After your worthless life is through

I will remember how you scream

I can't afford to care i can't afford to care

 

I am suffocating you have failed to pull me in

I will drag you down again

Life is unrelenting feeding lies into my head

I will feed the lies you live

 

Now you want to take me down

As if i even care

I am the monster in your head

And i thought you'd learn by now

It seems you haven't yet

I am the venom in your skin

 

And now your life is broken

 

After the lights go out on you

After your worthless life is through

I will remember how you scream

I can't afford to care i can't afford to care

 

After the lights go out on you

After your worthless life is through

I will remember how you scream

I can't afford to care i can't afford to care

I can't afford to care i can't afford to care

 


3/5/2011 2:47:55 PM

Just thought I'd write.. haven't written in a while. I'm still alive if anyone's wondering! LOL Just kidding... but really, I'm still here. Still looking. Not exactly sure of what I am looking for any more. I mean sexually, I'm taken care of. My husband makes sure of that. Emotionally, that's taken care of too. Financially, well like everyone else we could use MORE money, which is why I work THREE part time jobs now. UGh... I'd just like ONE full time job.  Any way... Previously I had said something about a possible "Dom" in my life... well that hasn't gone any where. But I guess I could help the situation a little if I knew exactly what it was I am wanting/needing. Back with the "Old Sir(s)" I didn't have to think of anything. It was pretty much I knew my place and that was it. But since I'm married now, things are a little different. I think that things are changing up a little bit. With hubby and I getting back in the "swing" of things, we're adding some new friends and having fun along the way. So maybe soon we'll find some special friends for me to play with! (I can hope and dream right?!)  I guess that's all for now... MOre when I'm not so exhausted from working 54 + hours in a week!!!!!


1/12/2011 7:34:23 AM

Is it genuine thankfulness or am I trying to be vindictive?! That's what I was asked yesterday. This one person in my life... well used to be in my life has become what my husband calls a "stain in the carpet" that we can't seem to get rid of. Anyway, this person's life is so filled with drama I'm SO very glad that I never became part of his life. Although back in 2006-2007 that's all I wanted. But so much has come to light that I'm so very thankful that he and I never got  married, that he never fulfilled any of his promises. That he never took responsibility for anything he claimed. I've recently learned that he's a predator. And he's only after certain types of women. And unfortunately I was one of his casualties. He likes women who have low to no self-esteem, who are overweight or obese and brunettes. He uses them and spreads diseases KNOWINGLY to them but doesn't inform them of the disease(s) he is carrying. I was one of the luckier ones. My issues were correctable. But there are others that are not quite so lucky.  Learning new information like I have, well let's just say I've got some ammo to add to that fire that's about to burn him at the stake!

 

Learning all this has well it's hurt me in a way. I used to be so head over heels for this person and to learn that he only used to me among others. I guess I've always been too trusting of others. I am just floored at the thought that he does this over and over and over to women without any regard to the consequences of his actions and without any remorse or feeling for the pain he's putting these women through or have caused them. Someone really upset him and now he's taking it out on the rest of the world one woman at a time.  I am so ready for the day when he gets what's coming to him. 

 

And on another note.. Lord knows I miss the control of a Dom :-( Maybe one day I fill be able to figure out what it is that I want and be able to get it! The first step is to figure out what I want. In a way I KNOW what I want but its so hard to put it into words and express it.  I so enjoyed the mental aspects of having a Dom to please and pleasing him. But there were physical things I miss as well. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and we're truly happy but there are just some things that he can't provide because he is so much a subby like me! 

 

I came across someone's profile today and it made me remember back when this person and I began conversing and growing close, and then ending as quickly as it begun. I still remember what this person's reason for the abrupt end was... and ya know so much has changed since then, but there's no going back to that :( which is sad because I so enjoyed what was starting! I hope this person is truly happy with whom they are with now. From the pictures posted, it would seem so!!! Good luck my dear friend!!!!!

 

Ah the rides in life are so much fun when you are on them. Kinda of like a roller coaster... You go up with an expectation that you have to go down at some point. But along the way down there are curves, twists, and turns that are so much fun yet scary. Then it ends just as fast as it started. But you will remember that ride!!!!

 

Well I guess I should get off of here and find something more constructive to do rather than sit and reminisce about the days gone by! 

 

 


12/10/2010 8:50:01 AM
So, two months have passed already! Good grief where is the time going? UGH anyone got a way to make the time stand still???

Hubby and I are are not really looking any more. I think we found someone. More like he found someone! LOL Kinda strange for him to be looking!! But he's talking to someone and its going to be quite interesting to see how it all plays out. Hubby has to be comfortable with the Dom/Domme since its his WIFE they will be controlling! 

This one that hubby is talking to is not one I would have thought to be quite the jester! The e-mails back and forth have been an interesting read  to say the least. 

At least He (the potential Dom) knows what its like to be married and to be in another relationship. And He and hubby seem to be getting along quite well. They have something in common which is good!!! 

My old Sir... well he used to have such a hold over me. But finally, that's gone completely. He demanded respect but gave none. Demanded honesty and truth but gave none. So many lies and so many disappointments... so glad that I was never "collared" by him, although he seems to still think that he "owns" me.  

So quick question for those experienced and REAL Doms out there ... Considering I NEVER received a collar, was told i would get one, but never got one, never went through anything official, was i technically "collared" by him?  Personally I don't think I was.  Just want to make sure there's no question there or for anything to cause problems later down the line.

Well time for me to get my day started!

Chao for now!

10/22/2010 5:49:57 AM

 

Ok time to vent......

Why do we have "profiles" here if no one takes the time to read them???

And good grief... I expected people to be a bit more educated especially those claiming to be Dom/Domme!  READ THE PROFILE before e-mailing!!!!


I think from now on when someone e-mails me and they are from out of state, I am not even going to waste my time to respond back. It’s pointless. Because all I do is politely tell people I do NOT want someone from out of state!!!! If they are out of state and respond to me saying they want to be my Dom/Domme or they want to help me, then honestly I don't think that they took the time to read my profile and/or journal. Therefore, they really just want someone they can boss around and that's not what i want. And I refuse to play these online games that most of the people play. How honest can someone be over the internet? I can sit here and tell you that it’s me typing and it could actually be my husband. Or I could be at home and tell you I’m at work just because I don't want to be bothered.... I mean you never know a person until you spend time with them. REAL time with them.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!


10/15/2010 8:08:43 AM

Wow its been almost 2 years since I've been on CM! Time has really flown by! Anyway, I'm back and just trying to see how this will work itself out.  I want to clarify a few things, for those that acutally read this and read my profile.

#1: I will NOT cheat on my husband. Do NOT ask me to meet you without him or without his permission or his knowing. Its NOT gonna happen.  This lifestyle is NOT all about sex as some people seem to think.

#2: Yeah I know my name is bbwandsingle2005 on here... but this profile was created LONG before I got married. So for those that do NOT know me, read my profile. I mean really sit down and read it, don't skim through it and think that because I am here I'm wanting to cheat on my husband.

#3: I do NOT want a Dom/Domme that is out of country or out of state. I/We are looking for someone local.  And I am NOT , I repeat NOT interested in strictly an online relationship. Too many people like to lie  and there's no validation to what is said or done.  Ex. If i am "told" to do something, I can sit here and say I did it and He/She would never know if I really did or not.

#4 : Do not start off telling me to call you Ma'am or Sir. That comes with respect. And once the trust and respect have been established I have no problem with that. But if I don't know you and you start demanding things of me right to start with, without getting to know me and know what I am seeking, then I will stop talking to you and ignore you faster than you have the chance to apologize!

I know that there are a ton of fakes and wannabes on here. I know that there are door mats out there too; as a matter of fact I used to be one. But no more. I've grown. I've learned and I've made mistakes that have cost me dearly. But out of it all I've learned what I like and what I don't like and what it means to be a submissive and what a Dom means in my life. So with all that being said, take your time and think about what you want to talk to me about before writing. Sometimes I will answer sometimes I will not. If you e-mail me, just know that I do read profiles and if your profile is not of interest to me I probably will not write back.  Also know that I get a TON of e-mail every day. I will answer when I can to those who peak my interest. Those who do not will get a quick not interested e-mail, which means leave me alone!

My husband is always aware of who I talk to and what is said. And if he's not interested in what's said or if he finds it rude or offensive, that will be the end of the conversation/email/etc.

I'm not trying to be mean, rude or evil. But I know what I want and I know what I don't want. Just because I am submissive does not mean that I do NOT think for myself. I have a brain and I do choose to use it.


2/6/2009 8:16:08 PM
Well its been quite a LONG time since i've been on here. Much has changed. However confusion is still very much a part of my life. There's one person that i can't let go of. Not sure why that is but its NOT something i can do. i've tried many many many times. With all the mistakes and screw ups that have gone on btwn this person and me, i still care very deeply for them. My situation is a little different now as i've gotten married. In the vanilla world, i'm totally happy. I've got a good man, great job and life has worked itself out nicely. But on the dark side... its longing to come out and play. Its calling my name... every night and every day. Don't know what to do. Too bad i couldn't find what i wanted in ONE. I only hope that this person is 100% honest with me. That's all i've asked for from day one. Well that and for this person to really open up to me. I want to know EVERYTHING about this person (You know who You are). This is going to get worked out eventually. We had a conversation this evening and You know how complicated this situation is. Give it time and things will work out, don't know how or when but it will. Just please be patient with me. You already know in Your heart what we both are wanting. Please don't doubt me. Take the time to get to know me again. Get involved. Become a constant part of my life... not just on the side burner. Well i'll write more later when i can think a little more clearly.  Just know i do love you no matter what happens. I am sorry that i have hurt you. But you have hurt me too more times than i care to count and i still love and care for you. I love to hear your voice and to hear those three simple words to come from you. One day soon i'll get to look in to your eyes when you tell me that. Soon... that's all i can say. don't know how or when but soon. i love you so much.  Sweet Dreams....

2/18/2008 8:35:12 AM
Here's a poem i wrote recently:

I know of whom you date
For I date  him too
Ask questions or you too
Will be blue.

Intriguing isn't he?
Look in his eyes
What do you see?
Is it me?
Or is it you?

Believe his words
Are they truth or lies?
Follow your gut
And you'll know
Your gut's never wrong.

Are his words those of truth?
Longing what you wish to hear
Are lies of a new despair.
Watch your heart
Watch your soul
For he's captured mine
And that has its toll.

Every night asleep he falls
Into my arms
Every morning waking
To my smiling face.
Does he think of you or
Does he think of me?

A heart torn between two
Which he must choose.
One or the other
For the decision will
Break the heart of one
And make another soar.

1/22/2008 7:30:13 AM
Ok haven't wrote in a while so here goes.
 
After a lot of time to think i've come to realize i am NOT confused. My heart belongs to one and one only. i've had many many many conversations with others. i've talked of how i feel for my Sir. i guess i have always KNOWN that i am in love with him. i tried to protect my heart from the pain that has been caused by the distance. Patience is something that i have been taught now. Its not something that i wanted to learn the hard way, but alas i learned it.

Sir i have always told You how i felt for You. i have even told You of the fears that i have had along the way. There may have been no valid ground for the fears other than gut instincts. Lately, i feel as though things are changing (finally) for the better. Not just b/c of the current events going on Feb. 1. But b/c of all the current communication over the past couple of months. The gap that was created through distance is closing and we're becoming closer to each other. This is how i feel. i don't know any other way to tell all this other than to put it into words and have you read them. i seem to have problems speaking how i feel, but writing is so much easier for me. You know this already as i have written "books" to You.... LOL  There is so much i want to tell You but would only be appropriate through personal e-mail and not here for everyone in the world to read. Although i'll gladly shout to the world how much i love You and how much i am in love with You.  So with all that being said and everything fresh on my mind, i'll go write the e-mail to You now.

Now that confusion has gone away and life is coming back to normal, i will be writing more as time goes on. 

Thank God the lemons have stopped rolling in and i'm getting something so much more sweeter!!! Its about time!!!!

More later on this journey called my life....

11/27/2007 1:01:50 PM

Well ... nothing much new to report here. My mind is empty and heart well its on hold. i'm finally working so that is eating up some of my time. Its a lot of fun to watch these children visit Santa. What really amazes me is how these parents are. They FORCE their child who is terrified to go visit Santa. A child who is screaming, crying, kicking, clawing, biting and all that.... clearly they are terrified yet the parents still try to force the child to sit on Santa's lap. What's up w/ these parents? Then there are some parents who think their child is going to scream and pitch a fit, yet they are just as calm and quiet as you could ask for.  The older children are much more fun to watch. They have their lists in hand when they come to visit. They know EXACTLY what they want and they tell it like it is!!! So work is fun, can ya tell?! LOL



11/21/2007 9:37:12 PM
Ok well we'll just say my mind and i took a vacation for about 8 days, LOL. Depression and anxiety got the better of me. But i'm all better now. I know what i need to change and what i need in my life. I've learned that i NEED structure in my life. W/o that structure, i'm in total chaos and that's not good for me.  I learned alot during my 8 day vacation. I made new friends that i became quite "close" to in a short period of time.

There are many things in my life that need to be worked on. And i'm bound and determined to  make the necessary changes to keep my heart and head as one. I'm going to do what is BEST for ME. No one else knows what is best for me. All i can do it take it one day at a time and learn from each day what ever i can. When the time comes for me to be with "THE ONE" then i'll know it. Until then i'm going to have some fun along the way and keep  my heart and emotions in check and locked away for safe keeping!
 

11/13/2007 7:14:13 AM
How do You know when someone is actually beginning to put forth effort when that is all that You have asked for? Yeah some "effort"  has been made in the past but it was not "constant" effort. So how do i know that things are going to progress into what i want/need? How do i know they are honestly and whole heartedly trying to make this work? i try not to base events and such on past experiences, but you can't help but to do that. For me b/c of how i've been treated by the ex husband in the past, my actions are dictated by the way the he treated me. i am doing my best to "untrain" myself but when you build your heart around someone and they continually crush w/o meaning to or knowingly do so, things get quite difficult.

As one of my best friends puts it, i was thrown a bone and now i'm happy and satisfied for the time being. That little bone is a ray of light in the dark tunnel. That little bone is something that made me happy for a bit. That little bone was some attention... But how long before Master comes back to pour some attention on his pet? (Ok not talking Master as in Master/slave... talking as in real life animal care giver.) Those who have a dog know this, you come home and the dog is excited to see you, you give the animal some attention, they are happy and go on their merry way when they've had enough...
That is my best friend sees the situation... i cannot help it that this person still owns my heart. i cannot help it. Well i guess i will see how it works out. i know what i've been told lately and i've seen the little things changing... And i've not mentioned anything lately... so we shall see if this is happening b/c he realizes that if things don't change, he's gonna lose me totally or if he's just feeding me these bones to please me...

More to come on this journey!

11/9/2007 6:00:43 AM
Title: Nobody Knows lyrics

Artist: BabyFace


I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
Now I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can see it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
Now I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside, and nobody knows it but me
I lie awake, its a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night
As if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you wherever, ever you might go
I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely...

11/7/2007 12:02:31 PM
Have Y/you ever noticed how music can change Y/your mood?! Well it does that to me quite often. i suppose that is b/c i actually listen to the WORDS in the music and not just the instruments playing. There are so many things that can trigger a memory. Sounds, smells, touches etc. Those things can also trigger emotions that were tied to those memories. 

i was given something to think about lately. Some people seem to think that Y/you can't find  certain things in this lifestyle... ok if Y/you can't find someone whom Y/you trust completely, and can fall IN love with, then why do Y/you allow them to have the control over Y/you and Y/your life? Even Doms/Master, can be romantic, loving, caring, pleasing, repectful, strong. Yes i could go to match or other dating sites to find what i seek, yet if i were to go there, then i'd only find those who want to ABUSE me and my gift... Think about it a few minutes! Granted i could find that here too but less likely... Most people who are on this site or alt or others like this are here for a reason and want to learn, experience etc. Granted some are quite fake and only here for games... But those who are smart and learn from their mistakes can "weed" out the wannabes and fakes over time it gets easier to spot!!!

Another point i was given to think about is this: how do you KNOW what love is...  Is it lust/ infutuation or LOVE... What is it? How do you know if you've never experienced it before?! that's something for me to "chew" on for a while....

Oh a bit of news.... i'm going to start working!! WOOHOOO i have a seasonal job, lasting only until Dec. 24 but its an Asst. Mgr. position, so it'll look nice on my resume.. Plus it will get me out of the house and hopefully i can get to LF one weekend soon!!!!

more later on my bumpy journey!!!

11/5/2007 12:06:36 PM

Am i a magnet of some kind? Seems that i get some very nice e-mail and when i chat w/ those "people" they tend to be such asses. Why do these "Doms" and "Masters" expect the sub to jump right into submitting to them the first time we talk? I'm sorry but this one does NOT do that. You have to earn my trust before i even attempt to remotely submitt to anyone. My submission is a gift and i will give it to whom i please when i am ready.  Don't expect to talk to me and for me to automatically be like Yes Sir, No Sir, and anything to please You Sir....  sorry its not happening from this one.  Ya know what, NO i am NOT sorry. Ya either accept that from me or ya don't. I've come a long way in the three years i've been in this lifestyle. I have really learned from the mistakes i've made and i will not make the same mistakes twice.  I am real and i am not into games. If i wanted to play games, i'd got to another site.  This just ircks me... how some people are soo wonderfully polite and grab your attention and then they turn into this "troll". Well  as long as i can control myself and my thoughts and my feelings, and my mouth , i'll speak up when i feel i need to.

N: this is not directed towards you, so please do not  think this is in regards to you b/c it is NOT. This in regards to another whom i'll call "G". Trying to have a conversation w/ "G" is like  talking to  someone who is so not interested...

Ok i guess i've ranted enough.. More later... Still in awe w/ "N" :D You are amazingly great to talk to.

Doc, hope to see you soon! Cant' wait!!!!


10/29/2007 5:47:05 AM
Well the weekend was rather nice. My best friend from TN came to visit. He wasn't feeling well so we just sat around watched tv or he went to sleep.

Haven't heard from the "doctor" yet. i'm very curious to know his thoughts.

In other "news" i've got two job interviews and have to decide which one NOT to attend b/c i don't have the money/gas to get to it. So now to decide... UGH I just want to get back to work!!! To get out of this house.

Next bit of news, i've begun "walking" again. Although not sure walking is the way to describe it b/c i really get a "work out". The area that i walk goes down a hill, levels out, starts up a hill, levels out, up hill then levels out and then down the hill. And i walk that twice every night. At least for now. i plan to increase it once i can walk around it once w/o getting the awful pain in my side. Guess i need to write down all my meausurements again so i can keep track of it all... Hell i've got pics that show what i looked like on NY Eve and   what i look like now and i've been told that i've lost quite a bit WOOOHOOOO!!!! i'm on the right track!

Ok gotta go get ready for an interview. More later

10/26/2007 12:10:11 PM

As a submissive i often sit and think what it would be like to have a true "MASTER" that is local that i can see more often than i've seen others in the past. Someone that won't hide me away from the world or make me do ALL the work ALL the time. It does take TWO to make any relationship work. If i willingly give myself to someone totally and completely that means that i completely trust them with my VERY life.
This sub dreams of the day that she can meet her Sir for lunch  even though it won't be the typical lunch... She dreams of being able to please him as often as he likes. Oh to think of the possibilities... it baffles me. This sub needs someone that can communicate their wants, needs, feelings, goals, as well as listen to mine. i need someone that is not goign to take me for granted or push me aside and ignore me just b/c they are busy...
 i want to experience things i've yet to experience. haven't found that one to put me in subspace yet ... i want One that is going to help me better myself, mind, body, soul, spirit, all of it... One who will help me set goals and push me to reach them. One that can expand my mind. One that is not going to be afraid to go to demos or local events. i want to be involved and learn all i can so i can also learn to be a better submissive. i'll never stop learning!!!!

To my "doctor" thank You for placing this smile on my face, giving my mind no rest! Thank You for the words i longed to hear. Thank You for it all.

i do look forward to talking with You again very soon...


10/23/2007 5:37:52 AM
I was watching this video on YouTube, then got distrated while it played. Listening to the lyrics.... hmmm perfect description of mine and Sir's "relationship". The highlighted parts :

Angels
by Within Temptation

Sparkling angel I believe
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by my faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.

I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give a reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.





As most of Y/you can tell, music is a major part of my life. i can't live w/o music! It can cheer ya up when you're down! Can energize ya and motivate ya. And yes it can be depressing if ya let it!

10/22/2007 5:02:56 PM
I'm absolutely amazed at the responses i've gotten. i've received a ton of advice about this so called relationship that i have with my Sir. Over and over i hear that if he REALLY loved me and cared about me, it would  not be six months between visits. And that he would pay more attention to me. Hell my best friend in TN talks me to more and knows more about me than Sir does. i've also received e-mails from interested parties! Thanks for the interest. i have a couple that i am taking an interest in and am learning so much.

My "Doctor" has become a large interest. He completely understands me and the depression that surrounds me, then again look at the work he does! He's told me how much of a caring person he is and that is proven in what he has done in his vanilla life. A man raising FOUR children on his own...  You know who YOU are. You have peaked my interest in many ways and levels. You listen to me go on about various things that has absolutely nothing to do w/ YOU or a "relationship" with me. Having a "Sir" close enough to visit during lunch and to just pop in on would be such a drastic change!!! In time we'll see how things go and what changes are going to take place.  One day at a time....

One who owns my heart will own my mind, body and soul... Well if he owns one he owns all ... which one does HE own? Does he even know? Does he even want to own it? Do i consume his thoughts day and night? Does his heart flutter when he sees me or talks to me? Does his face light up with the brightest smile? Do his eyes reflect what he feels?


In other news.... i got sad news tonight about one of my best friends... He doesn't know if he's going to be aroudn much longer. His kidneys are failing him. Don't know if he can get transplants or not. For not information and details are sketchy as he doesn't want to talk to me about this b/c he doesnt' want me to worry about him... But ya know i worry any way....

More later....

10/21/2007 5:39:07 AM
Timbaland Ft. One Republic - Apologize

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground






i think that my "Sir" read yesterday's entry. He got online last night and didn't speak to me. When i spoke to him he didn't say much... that upsets me. i sent text asking if he was upset w/ me and i've gotten no response. Here is a response i got on another site about an entry i wrote.

Hi bbw,

I will say somethings you may have heard from others, that may sound harsh, but if these things have not been said, they need to be. And if they have been said they bare repeating. Please understand that this is said with care and compassion for someone who is going through a rough time. But like "tough love", sometimes the unvarnished truth is going to hurt.

you wrote: Why can't i let him go? What is gonna happen? Why does HE own my heart yet toss it aside?

You can't let him go because you are afraid of being alone. At this point in your life, a relationship, ANY relationship, seems better to you than none. You would rather put up with the pain of a shitty relationship than be alone.

What will happen? You're going to continue suffering until you pull the plug on this relationship. Then you'll be alone for a while. Hopefully you will spend the time alone getting your heart and head healed, putting your priorites back in order, taking care of -you- for a change. Because if you are not taking care of yourself, if you are not the best you can be, how can you honestly offer to take care of another, or expect the best from them?

He owns your heart because you gave it to him. No more, no less. He didn't earn it. He didn't win it in a contest. He paid attention to you, said the right things at the right times, you believed him and gave him your heart. He tosses it aside because he can. Let's be real here. He is very obviously "not that into you." to put it in the current pop relationship-speak. To him, you are, at best, a hobby, a sideline, an occassional pastime. You are NOT, nor will you ever be, his primary concern. He has demonstrated this consistently over time.

You wrote: We've had this discussion many times in the past. He vows to change it...

Yeah, right. Like the abuser who apologizes with flowers and promises that it will never happen again. And it doesn't. Until the next time. HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE, HE CAN'T WITHOUT HELP, HE CAN'T UNLESS HE WANTS TO CHANGE, STOP EXPECTING HIM TO.

You wrote: He has to prove to me that i am what he wants and needs...

He has already proven that you are not.

You wrote: i don't know what to do.

Yes you do. You just don't want to do it. You want -him- to be the responsible one, to either make the changes necessary to meet your needs, or for him to be the "bad guy" and dump you. You don't want to "hurt him" by telling him he doesn't cut the mustard. You want to please him, make him happy, light up his life... Unfortunately, he only wants to return the favor in bits and pieces.

It's so far past the time to pull the plug it's not funny and you know it. You are only prolonging the agony because it is what you know and are comfortable with. You would rather have -this- pain, than face the world alone.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh or cruel. Sometimes the truth needs to be delivered that way to bust past the self-delusion and nonsense we tell ourselves. I hope this doesn't damage your regard for me personally, because I've only said this because I care. You are hurting yourself by remaining in your current relationship. You know it and those around you know it. Get out NOW. Everyday you put it off is another day of pain, another day of disappointment, another day he can fling a cookie or flower your way and promise to change again and start the cycle all over again.

At this point, -he- isn't doing this to you, bbw. -YOU- are doing this to you. Take responsibility for yourself and your well-being. No one else will.

YIK,




As i read that yet again i sit and cry. Cause in all honesty, that is all very true. If I was important to him, it wouldn' take an act of congress to see him or to speak with him. Hell my best friend in TN knows more about me than Sir does. So time for me to be real about this i guess.. Damn this hurts so bad....

Ok do i wait til the goal i had set or do i take care of things NOW???? I can't think straight... Wish things could be different. But i sat around for 10 years waiting for the man that i married to change his ways and treat me better and that didnt' happen. So after 10 years of marriage, i left..... I can't sit and wait on someone else to tell me they love me yet prove that they don't.

Ok yes i'm terrified of being alone. At 17 i left my mom's house and moved in w/ my boyfriend who became my husband at 19. (He was 15 years older than I.) When i left him i was on my own and screwed up SOOOOO bad... and i'm still paying for it. So yeah i don't like being alone. Its not in me to be alone. When i am alone i feel useless and unwanted. Hmmm maybe its time i find a way to change that then... I can't sit here and cry forever and continue to hope for things to change....

Like my friend said, they are not going to change unless THEY want to . They have to want to change for themselves. 

Well i need to go think about what i'm gonna do. Sir is sort of making this decision easier every day. Who in their right mind hangs on for this long? He's a four hour ride away and i've not seen him in almost 6 months now. Hmmm what's wrong with that picture?

Ok time to go sit and think...

Sir if you read this, we really gotta talk, don't ignore me... Talk means communicate you have to speak and not one or two word answers, it actually requires some work and thought on your part....


10/20/2007 6:16:44 AM

Life stinks at times, good thing i've got plenty of air freshner... i've been learning, reading, sitting and watching for 2 yrs. and 8 months. You would think i have been trained well by now. HA HA i made myself laugh... I've learned that i'm a slutty submissive and NEED the attention. In talking with others, i've realized that. i've also realized that humiliation goes along w/ my personality. not that i like it but apparently most believe that i NEED it. Who in their right mind NEEDS humiliation? Is that just b/c i need to be shown who i am and what i am to the Dom/Master, whom i am with?

Ya know i read various profiles and wind up feeling sad, jealous and confused. i want that relationship that's gonna last. The one that Sir not only is my Sir but my Master. No i am NOT a slave... slaves have no choices in their own lives. Hey wait, that's what my marriage was.. I was a slave there... Hmmm no wonder i don't like being called a slave..  Any way, i want to be with the ONE that WANTS to be with me.

Recently its been brought to my attention that maybe i just need to get with a Dom and his sub and be with them to learn and grow. i'd be a sister "slave"/sub...  At least that way i would be learning from being in it 24/7 and not just wishing or chatting online.  i could learn to be a better sub. i'd also learn what kind of Dom/Master i was seeking and a better way of choosing one best suited for myself.  i know i have MUCH to learn but i'm loyal and obedient. i care a lot, probably more than i should.

There are game sites online if ya wanna play games. If i wanted to play games, i would go there...  Speaking of gamers, that makes me think of a new country song that i've heard lately...

"Online"
By Brad Paisley

I work down at the pizza pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I'm 5'3 and overweight

I'm a Sci-Fi fantastic
Mild asthmatic
Never been to 2nd base
But there's a whole nother me
That you need to see
Go check out MySpace

'cause online I'm down in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black belt in Karate
And I love a good glass of wine

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
'cause even on a slow day I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
So much cooler online

I get home, I kiss my mom
And she fixes me a snack
I head down to my basement bedroom
And fire up the Mac

In real life the only time I
Ever even been to L.A.
Was when I got the chance with the marching band
To play tuba in the Rose Parade.

Online I live in Malibu
I posed for Calvin Kline, I've been in GQ
I'm single and I'm rich
And I got a set of six pack abs that'll blow your mind

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
'cause even on a slow day I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online

When you got my kinda stats, it's hard to get a date
Let alone a real girlfriend
But I grow another foot
And I lose a bunch of weight everytime I log in

Online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
Even on a slow day, I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online
I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online


How many people are like that? i'm not! my picture shows my face. Yes that's really me.. LOL 

Ok onto something else now.... Seems people actually do read these journal entries :D. I've had lots of people e-mail me and offer advice and such. But i've also had some to compliment me on my writing. Apparently i have a "knack" for words. Well when you spend 12 years keeping your thoughts, emotions, and feeling and opinions locked away on the inside b/c the man you "love" put you down every time you opened your mouth, you find other ways to express yourself. Mine just happens to be "writing" on paper. Guess that's one thing that should be KNOWN  about me. I write A LOT... i have like three or four journals... (not including two "blogs" on bdsm sites).  Now that i have access to a computer on a regular basis, i'm able to write more. Yeah i should have invested in a paper mill for all the paper i used up. i'm sorry about all the trees killed in my writing habits LOL... at least now i can say i'm not using paper any more so i'm saving trees LOL

Yeah i have a sense of humor. When you've been through the shit i've been through in my 29 years of life in this hell hole we call earth, you learn to develop a sense of humor. I think God has a sense of humor and laughs at me every day :D Or is that Satan with the sense of humor? Hmmm think i can find that answer on the world wide web?

Ok ok.. enough for now... Have fun more on this JOURNEY to come :D

Dont' be scared to stop and say hi as you're zooming by me :D I don't bite (unless you want me to :D )




9/29/2007 1:40:19 PM
This sounds a lot like my situation except for the fact that he doesn't have a drinking issue.....




Call Me When You're Sober
By Evanescence

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

9/29/2007 1:37:47 PM
Since the last past things have changed a little. Sir and i got the chance to talk about how i was feeling. He apologized and promised that He would fix it. Thus far we've managed to talk almost every other day, which is nice b/c at least it lets me know that he was thinking about me at some point. But still no change in profiles yet...  i am not holding my breath at this point in His efforts b/c we went through this a couple of months ago and i thought things were getting better only for us to communicate for a week and then nothing for month or so... I've set my own goals... i've been told i'm WAY too patient with him. Many have said that i have given him too much and he's not given enough. Well i'm being patient a while longer. i have made my own choices and i've made decisions so based on what happens between now and the date i've set in my mind will determine if we make this work or if it will just be time to give up the false hopes... only time will tell and time has NOT been my friend lately lol hell five months and not seeing Sir... that's way too long in between visits... but life has thrown some major curves and ditches my way... not just pot holes, huge ravines LOL Guess i need to learn to build bridges so i can get across the ravines...
More to come as each day passes i face a new issue, problem or whatever... good thing no one said that this journey would be a picnic

9/23/2007 6:57:44 PM
My heart aches so much. Things just don't add up. This person whom i love so much treats me like i don't exist.. at least that is the way that i feel. To read their profile, they make no mention of me or that they own anyone, yet my profile must say that i am collared.... Why does this have to be so damn painful? How do you let go and move on even if you don't want to? How do i get my heart back even though i don't really want it back? How do i go on even when i don't want to? After almost 10 months of being loyal, faithful, true to this one, i still feel so alone. i've been so patient, yet patience has worn out. i'm tired of being ignored and tired of being hurt and disappointed.  I thought i had found the ONE who understood me and could handle me. They saw the real me, but apparently its not me that they want. i just wish that they would stop stringing me on a thin thread b/c soon that thread is going to break. The ball is in their court. They know what needs to be done, but the question is will they do it? Told you in the beginning, i am tired of the games and lies and players. I am 100% real and i've expected the same...  What happens now?





"I was so unique now i feel skin deep. I count on the make up to cover it all. Crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention thought i could be strong but its killing me. Someone hear my cry. I'm dying for new life. I wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart be amazed. I want to hear you say who i am is quite enough. Just wanna be worthy of love and be  beautiful. Sometimes i wish i was someone other than me. Trying  to make the mirror happy. Trying to find what ever is missing Won't you help me back to glory. I wanna be beautiful. Make you stand in awe, look inside my heart and be amazed. I want to hear you say who i am is quite enough. Just wanna be worthy of love, you make me beautiful."


12/14/2006 5:50:44 AM
12/14/06 I've been collared since October 9th.  I haven't seen my Sir as much as i would like and it kind of bothered me. Yet i understand the circumstances. Apparently i am so much more understanding than some people. i've listened to many people tell me that my Sir is playing me and that i should not be collared to Him if he can't committ or have communication. For a while it seemed that i was the only one attempting communication. i was getting tired of it... seemed like each time He contacted me i jumped at the chance to see Him. But i guess that was  b/c i had missed Him so.  i have listened to many give me advice on this but all i can do is follow my own heart, body, mind, soul and feelings on this. i know what i want, i see what i want and i'm not giving up on it

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trishsmith69
 
 Age: 26
  Virginia