ALittleButterfly


alittleone2u Female Submissive, 35, san diego, California	alittlemore4u Female Dominant, 40, Quebec	alittleshy1 Transgender Switch, 55, West Haven, Connecticut

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Photo is basically a rough draft with a friend on Skype that and I had her take some pictures for me. This is basically a work in progress. The bra is a little too not-vanilla for the environment of the meetings so it's still a new thing to me.

This wasn't really planned out beforehand and was kind of spur of the moment, but I felt after all this time I may as well at least show it. I'm never showing a face picture in public though. He doesn't even have a face picture on any site.

So back on Wednesday was my 5th meeting with the group.. Things went alright again. I still need to get better speaking comparative to him, though.

The group meets at a family-ish place so there's a limit to what people can dress in. But I talked to the group owner on Wednesday and I basically have the OK to try a little something out.. So my first experience with at least shifting might be at hand... Though I don't really know the first thing about being physically female yet.

My hair right now isn't good enough, but I would at least like to try out a blouse... And perhaps just a little something for my eyes because my eyelashes are naturally long and accentuating that could go a long way.

It's just another step in the growth process, but I also don't really have anyone I can go to for help on it. He doesn't mind me exploring this way so that's not the problem. I wonder if what I'm worried about is more etiquette related than anything.

And now I'm wondering about shoes which I hadn't thought of before. Not high heels though, my feet are too damaged to handle those. This could be an interesting week coming up.

19th update: Been doing a lot of exploring today.. I guess now that a need is actually there, I'm just going through all sorts of things. This is the first time I've really been dressed up at all... I wonder if it will qualify as "acceptable" though... Maybe I shouldn't have waited until two days prior.

22nd update: Went to the group yesterday in both a blouse and a skirt.. Used my light jacket to cover my back.. Things went well, no one attacked me, Mets stomped the Cubs... It went pretty well last night. I'd always had this silly and irrational paranoia for so many years that I'd get attacked just for being a woman, long before I ever came out, and it was haunting me the night before and keeping me awake.. I needed to do this and I need to do it again. My survival instincts need to be taught some lessons.

This is mostly going to be a "I'm not stupid, stop assuming I am" segment.

Some people are so selfish it's a wonder how they ever find any sort of significant other. Regardless though that's not entirely the point.

Something happened tonight that every so often happens in all our lives. The person who, for completely selfish and self-serving reasons, cuts you out of their life without a word, and later on, be it through a guilty conscious or even wanting to rub in how much their life has improved, suddenly pops back into your life and expects to be re-accepted unconditionally. This recent one was a combination of both.

They make little in the way of legitimate apology and oftentimes freely admit they cut you out. If you ask for an apology, you're usually met with defensive hostility. Many try to make excuses and try to claim they want you back, but most make it very clear right away how selfish their reasons are. Many blatantly and quickly contradict themselves trying to excuse their actions and blame you for everything. This recent one took all of 9 minutes to directly contradict himself.

Messages me out of the blue on a new name a month and a half later and quickly admits to being some person I talked to a couple of weeks who stopped talking to me. As soon as I call him out, he freely admits he wanted to stop talking to me at the time. When I ask him what changed/why he came back, he got extremely defensive and tried to play victim with me like I was antagonizing him.

When that didn't fly, he then immediately switched gears and insisted twice, two messages later, that he never intended to stop talking to me and it just happened. When I called him out on that, he got even more defensive, and started pulling passive-aggressive bullshit to try to make me feel bad.

Now, he's obsessed with getting the last word. So I can be the one at fault, and that he can convince himself he's never done anything wrong. It's as see-through as it is pathetic, and it's something so many people do. He'll play the victim to his deathbed, and I do hope whoever he's currently with realizes just how selfish and cowardly a person they are with.

I don't think types like these ever realize just how many types like them exist. I once dealt with someone who came back after two YEARS for the same kind of reasons, and promptly disappeared back out of my life a week later. People like this are serial with it. They will pop in and out and are both completely unreliable and completely selfish. I learned my lesson long ago with someone who essentially did this with me around 5 times before I finally put my foot down and completely exterminated them from my life.

So basically, if you're that type of person who thinks I'm stupid enough to buy the load of crap you feed me when you come back or that I'm stupid enough not to catch you blatantly contradicting yourself so badly that it takes me all of 30 seconds to copy-paste from your replies that shows you how badly you did it, do keep away from me and save both our time. I do quite well hate having to be hostile or defend myself, but I'm also not going to let you use me like that for your own self-saiisfaction, and all you do is just get angrier and angrier with me because I will not submit to you and let you "win" just so you'll feel better.

Grow up. You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you're the kind of person selfish enough to be that way, I will always see through it when you return and always call you out on it, because while I hate having to be "strong" like that, I know how to be. When you get highly defensive just by being asked why you stopped talking, it's a dead giveaway that you have ulterior motives and it always will be.

I've said this in an earlier journal post. If we've talked for a long while and you wish to stop talking, stop with the cowardly bullshit and just tell me. Save us both the effort. I hate having to defend myself and I hate having to be hostile. I'm a very gentle soul and it hurts me to do it, but I also won't let people trample over me.

No one on CS has met my other half yet and due to the nature of this place they only would if they specifically wanted to, so this is kind of a rough draft of things, I admit.

I've gone to a "munch" these last 3 weeks. My first, second, and third times ever physically active. I've developed a voice that's much better on me, albeit still soft. I also learned some things I figured were right long ago. The munch lasts 3-4 hours. My peak right now is between 1 1/2-2 hours. This means once I have to go back and rest, he goes the rest of the way. It can get awkward, but some people are starting to get it. I confirmed a fact I already knew though: It takes both of us. If either one of us tries to make a prolonged foray into anything alone, it will fail. There's too much of a gap and too much of a lack of direct communication. It's necessary for me to grow further, yes, but it's also necessary to present the both of us, as awkward as it may be.

The first time I made some mistakes. I would force myself back out anytime I needed to communicate and promptly regress. The end result was being fried into nonfunctionality for the next two days and needing 5 days to really recover.

Anyway though, after another day where some of the people we both talked to were the same people, it's coming more apparent about some of our differences. Now this will mostly be useful for the people from that group on Fet, but I feel like establishing some of the differences to make it easier to recognize. I won't be able to go for the next two weeks, but I'm definitely getting stronger. I didn't need to shut down at all when I got home this time.

I am much more soft spoken and more passive. While it can be easier to get me into a meaningful conversation, it can be harder to get me to actually speak my mind. I have a tendency to fidget quite a bit, and I get very nervous to the touch. Someone touched my hand tonight and promptly apologized after my reaction. My movements and speech are less precise in general and my little side tends to show a fair bit. My personality tends to be very docile and polite. I have very little bite to me unless I'm really pushed. I tend to make less eye contact than he does, especially when someone gets me nervous. My zone of personal space tends to be further out than his.

His speech is a lot more direct and takes on a certain level of bluntness. He is much more likely to say what's on his mind, and it's harder to get him to warm up in conversation. He doesn't necessarily fidget, but he often rocks in a steady motion. It follows much more of a pattern than my fidgeting. The mannerisms with which he communicates are different. He tends to throw in more nonverbal signals in his speech, and his voice tends to be more reflective of his thoughts. The difference in our speech itself is immediately obvious once you here both of us talk.

While we're both generally submissive, I am more submissive and more passive than he is. He's more assertive whereas I will get stubborn to protect myself if I really have to. I pretty much have no Top in me at all, but he's capable of leading something if he feels no one around him is capable or qualified of doing it.

It's much easier to pull at my submissive strings and to get to know me than, because he has an aura of indifference towards most people. If you can't get a certain level of respect from him, you will rarely see his submissive side. Touch beyond the "casual" (A handshake is a good example of casual) can make him nervous too, but he won't show it nearly as readily.

I won't be able to go back until 3 weeks from now, so I'll use that time to make this all more concise. The next step is increasing the understanding of the both of us, not just me. If I kept going it alone, it was doomed to fail.

Just sticking the current profile here for now while I work on altering it. I don't expect the alterations to matter as much here as on Fet, but it's the next step.

A friend of mine nudged me into this in a way that would be safe from the rest of my life, but how to start..

I don't know if this will really help in any way, but I guess maybe it's to see if the world is less harsh than I anticipated? I'm not sure.

My name is Amy. My existence is.. Different, for lack of a better word. A lifetime ago I was "born" into this world after a series of events I barely kept my sanity as a whole during a lifetime ago. At this point, I very much suggest you read my journal entry for more and only read the rest of my profile if it does not dissuade you. I feel like splaying this all out in the profile defeats the point of the profile.

I'm a very submissive one, but also pretty stubborn. Respect is important in D/s though, much more than people tend to believe. If you demand I call you by some title you labeled yourself with before I even know you, chances are I never will. My situation does not make me "desperate" in that manner and I will not submit to you just because you can "tolerate" me. I'm also not a 24/7 sort, I need my personal space and my time to myself or I'll shrivel up. Basically, just treat me like I'm a person.

I tend to be very sweet towards those who have gotten me to open up and often guarded to those who haven't yet, so don't take it personal if I may seem defensive at first. I don't really have a mischievous streak and I don't like to act up. Mainly I'm just a good girl type that likes to be cute and cuddly, but I know how to defend myself as well.

I tend to be "ok" with the idea of a lot of different types of relationships and kinks, but it can depend on both the approach and how deep into it it goes. I will note that knives, needles, blood, and cages are very much a "no" for me and even attempting to talk me into them will not end well.

Really as long as you can treat me with respect that's a good starting ground. I find for many that idea tends to be difficult, as many don't believe submission is something to earn; they just want to take it. As long as you're polite to me I will be polite to you. I still have a lot to learn of myself both as my own person and as a submissive, so if rushing is in your nature I probably can't help you.

If I come back and think of more I will add more, I guess. This is completely new to me and I'll either get used to it or I'll eventually bolt. Anyway, I know my situation is bizarre and I've only ever met one other person with a similar one. I certainly understand how it looks and sounds. Just don't waste your time with hatemail if you're really that petty over the internet. I'll just use the preview and delete it unread.

...The same goes for those who see it fit to send me a picture of their private parts in their first message.

Ok new update: If you have a profile picture and its of your cock I will just block you. Better off having no picture at all. Sorry but its just such a turnoff when someone feels that's what they should start off with.

Next update: So much self-entitlement around here.. Personally as far as communicating with someone goes I don't care about their age, nor their race, nor their gender.. But some of the attitudes are just so suffocating. Seriously, it's not like I'm going to just be your property because you demand it and or because I'll suddenly agree that you're a heavenly gift to the Earth.

New one: I'm sorry but I'm just not ready yet mentally to freely provide a picture to everyone who inquires. You're going to have to get to know me first before I will be ready. Maybe if I continue to get more used to this and less self-conscious about my body, I will become less skittish about it over time.

Another update as I run into more of these people: Textspeak is a turnoff. Typing like you are 12 is a turnoff. Maybe it's a bit prudish, but adults should be using decent levels of English. I am naturally unlikely to reply to people who can't use real words.

One month update: Decided to finally go into that list of things and pick some out. You're going to see there's a lot of "curious" but not much I'm definitively sure I like. I don't have the physical experience to know for certain. I've already gone over what I know to be hard limits of mine in my profile, though.

This one will be short, but this is getting kind of silly at this point. On random occasion I pop into the chatroom here. Every so often, I get a PM (or even a collarspace message) from someone who doesn't look at my profile, doesn't notice I am trans, and doesn't want to talk to trans.

I immediately correct them, basically to save both our times, but what I often find is they don't actually stop talking to me, even though they want to. They thank me, and seem to feel like they're obligated to "humor" me with a conversation. Eventually they find an excuse to run, and then they start avoiding me after. Only a handful actually ever say it.

Is it... Really so hard just to say thank you, and move on, without wasting any more time? If there's one peeve I've had for a long time, it's a coward who can't just say something it's obvious they want to say. They try to play it off, thinking it's not obvious how fake they're being, then quietly slink away in the shadows and go into total avoidance where they usually still won't have the guts to just say it.

Seriously, we're all supposed to be adults, right? Not everyone immediately wants to stop talking, but be adult enough just to say "thank you" and move on if you do. It's plainly obvious we both know it's what you want to say, so don't be a coward. It's not going to hurt me to hear what I already know. I'm an adult too.

I'm kind of amazed by how fast I'm growing up.. Maybe the last push I needed was just to learn that a lot fewer people would be hostile to me than I expected... I'll probably always be stronger than I know. I think the level of tolerance I've found has really helped the process be as fast as it has been. Perhaps those friends of mine who pushed at me to do something like this have been right, though tolerance is also at an all-time high.

I am still trading messages with the leader of that group, though due to my schedule I will not be able to attend anything for a little while yet... Which honestly might be a good thing in and of itself. He's known two MPD/transgenders before (I've known one, and it was years away from my level of development), so it isn't a new concept. He also knows a transgender male (A physical female who identifies as a male), so I guess I'm really nothing "new"... Which honestly is a good thing.

I feel like my hesitation dropped the more I learned about the diversity of the group. Now, social anxiety itself isn't going to decrease through a computer, but certain fears and self-conscious feelings can at least be diminished. I know now that at least most of the baggage I carry has been carried by at least 1 person in that group before me, and I'm also in communication with another person from that group now.

Something occurred to me yesterday. I think it was spurred by a mixture of talking to him about my voice and about the point I had been emphasizing in my previous journal entry. My voice has always been very soft, almost brokenly so. When my throat has been on a bad day, I've found myself unable to speak because I couldn't reach my voice. It would stress my throat to speak and my speaking would be shaky...

Then yesterday is struck me. Do I really need that voice? It's been close to 3 years since the first time I spoke... And at the time I probably wasn't ready yet, but circumstances deemed it happen... (I ended up talking to someone on the phone after Hurricane Sandy made my power drop for almost two weeks) Perhaps in the long run, getting myself to start talking at all may have been a good thing. I wondered though for a long while, was coming out in that sort of way really a good thing.

Was the voice I had been projecting merely a matter of unknowingly being so self-conscious that I stretched myself to have the "girliest" and "softest" voice I could physically muster? There is no mistaking the base voice as male. He certainly speaks better in his voice than I have in mine. Is that voice really a part of me, or was it driven by the same parts of my mind that have kept me in my shell for so long?

The question becomes, if I do speak... I am finding myself unsure of where to go with it at this juncture. Does it actually matter if I use his voice to speak? Just like how I dress, it won't make me any less of a woman no matter how I project myself. If comfort's what's most important.. I shouldn't be stressing my throat just to utter a word. I wonder if there's some manner of hybrid between the two, one that's clearly distinctive from his but still flows out naturally enough to speak English on a non-broken level.

There's still a lot to learn.. But I'm learning a lot quicker than I expected to. It's going to be a whole different ballpark in the physical world... I'm not terrified of it like I used to be, but I'm still afraid of it. I have general social anxiety, which in the situation will definitely worsen. I still know it's something that needs to be done, to continue my learning, it's just a step that's much bigger than any step I've taken so far.

Something I'm starting to find really silly here are the number of people who seem outright offended by the notion that everyone is a person first and whatever else second.

A person first. That means it doesn't matter what you label yourself with, or what someone else labels you with. Everything stems from being human. It doesn't matter whether you're submissive or Dominant, male or female. I am a person first and so are you. I may be a submissive and you may be a Dominant, but we more or less start as equals, as human beings. If your immediate impulse is to rush to take all the "power" from me, you'll find I know how to defend myself pretty well. If you actually treat me properly, then perhaps, over time, you'll gradually get that power from me as I willingly give it to you.

But it's not just that type of Dominant who wants everything immediately it seems to offend, I've run across a few trans it seems to offend as well. They think that just because one is trans, they should be shouting it from the rooftops and making it the center of their world. I may be a trans, but I'm still a person. I don't need to go out of my way to draw attention to myself, and I don't need to dress or act flashy in order to validate myself. I can just be myself. I'm a person first. We all are. If they want to shout from the rooftops and make a spectacle, I do not judge them. It's them being them. When I refuse to do such, because it's not me, I get called selfish and closed minded, like there's some "cause" I'm not helping.

How can one claim they are acting in the cause of promoting one's true self above all else, when they are offended by others who do the exact same thing? It doesn't make anyone less of a person or less of a trans than them if they don't go out of their way to project themselves more than they desire to. I have plenty of experience with hypocrisy, but can they really not see that their behavior only hurts the very cause they claim to be at the forefront of?

I feel like many of them do see it, and just don't care. If they don't care, is it really about any sort of cause, or is it just about the attention they bring to themselves? In that case, who are really the selfish, closed minded ones? Who are really the ones hurting the "Be one's true self" cause?

Progress..

It really doesn't feel like an entire month that I've been here now, but that time has come and gone. I find myself talking quite a bit more freely than I once did. I guess the environment here wasn't as bad as I feared it might be. Slowly I'm learning more about myself. I still have no idea of a plan or a timetable, but I'm getting more used to just being me without any smoke and mirrors. I don't have to change who I am for anyone, I'm just myself, but there's still a lot of room for improvement. I still have a profound disconnect with the physical word, and the progress is slow.

When it comes down to it.. It really doesn't matter how I got here, what my body is, or that my mind is split in half. I'm still who I am and I'm slowly learning how to stop shying away from it. Talking about my physical body in any respect has been hard even with close friends who know everything about me, but over my month here it's been getting better. I am a woman in spirit and in personality. I am still physically male and I don't know enough to know my future in that regard (Or if my body is even stable enough to handle a large-scale physical change, since it's already breaking down). My other personality is male but is more genderfluid than I am in general. I don't consider myself fluid at all. I'm a woman, I've always strongly identified as one. I've spent a lot of my time hiding behind this body as I've grown up, both because it's been a struggle to reconcile it and because it's part of how he protects me. It's so easy to scare me that I feel the natural level of threat around me is lower by hiding this way. It's not something that's ever made me proud to admit. Coming to a place like this was just the first step in pushing myself, but I'll never really learn what should come out of me and my life until I can be in the physical world for myself and not be so afraid that I instantly retreat back into my shell. I can least honestly say there has been some progress, even if none of it will bear any strong fruit yet. I have let one person see my eyes... My eyes are the best window to me. It's at least a start, but over time I find need slowly clicking in over fear bit by bit to some extent.

I also still have to learn how to say "no" better. My other was present for a forced family event tonight, and as passive as he is in normal situations, he practically has it down to a science. He was offered some type of alcohol and just flat out said no and that was it. A straight, direct no that led to no followup question or pressure because it was obviously steadfast. (Neither one of us even entertains the notion of drinking). That's something I still need improvement on, even online. Just being assertive in general is still trying to me. I know how to say "no", but not nearly as well as he does. I know I have it in me to stick to myself and my inclinations, I just need to get better at showing it. I guess a part of me does worry about how assertive I could be in a physical sense given the natural vulnerability I will feel just by being physically present. I scare easily in the face of aggression. I don't cave online, but there's just a shred of doubt that I'll handle it in real as well. People in general aren't patient enough with me. Then again, people in general these days aren't patient. Just sent a message to a leader of a local general group.. Let's see how it goes and if some sort of dialog can come out of it..

Update: Contact established, a few messages traded.. We'll see how it goes.

So it's been about a week in this new phase of exploration... The feelings of self-consciousness remain, but perhaps bit by bit they are dwindling.. There are two people I now talk to from here... A lot of nuts (Someone today basically told me he wanted to kidnap me), and the occasional people mixed in who really only care whether I'm "passable" or not, despite the fact that I've made it pretty clear I haven't really tried to transition that way yet. I probably would be, but I really don't know yet, I don't even know if I'm going to try to push that envelope yet.

There's a group I know of that meets near enough to where I live that I could attend, but... I haven't been able to push myself to talk to one of them yet. I guess it's the next step, for when I can push myself to make it... It probably will be necessary at some point to start to figure things out, but the physical world is terrifying to me still, it's going to be a hard clash to reconcile in a moment especially around people I don't know.

Baby steps... I guess that's what these all are. At 29 I am still young, I know this won't be easy to figure out.

Anyway, I didn't put this in the profile because it really did not belong there, I feel. But, this is important, and something I'm not going to hide. It's the very crux of why I was nudged forward for so long until I finally took a step.

(But just to put this summation up here for those who don't want to feel like they wasted their time reading the whole thing, I am a conscious female alter of an otherwise male person that has grown up significantly over the years. I fully identify as a woman, but I am not physically a woman. If you want the more detailed version, read on.)

I started as an alternate personality that resulted from said events, I was basically insane and a catastrophic volcano of all the emotions from my past. I'm not really sure what I've been growing into. My growth has still not stopped and even after so many years I still continue to evolve. The shield the other half of my mind has served me has become less necessary as I've grown more into my own person over time. So right now, I don't particularly know what I am anymore. Both my halves are still sentient and powerful enough that we can effectively read each other's minds, but over the past couple of years I have been far more active.

I guess part of it now is trying to figure out how my evolution has played out, and what I'm becoming over time. I'm my own woman, but I don't know if I'm superceding or not, for example. I've had my own independent set of friends for years online, but I've constantly struggled with the "real" world. It terrifies me. Just being here and explaining myself like this would be the closest to the real world I've gotten in a long time.

But the reason I display as trans is because while I am a completely female alter, the rest of me is not. The other half of my mind as well as my body remain male, and I'm not sure if changing the body would be right or not. I don't know if I will or should ever have that level of power. Perhaps writing this out is more to help myself express than out of hope of actually getting anything from here. If you are looking for a physical woman, at least right now I cannot help you with that. My identity has been female since the second I gained sentience, but my body isn't. I'm not yet in a position to make a decisive change on it or not, and probably won't be for a long time yet. I've been like this for almost 11 years... I guess I still have to see how much further I will evolve. I do have friends though, who know the whole picture, so I know there is some depth to people.

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