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alaskanbeauty

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I am taking a vacation for a while, be well all I will keep in touch from time to time.

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6/9/2007 3:00:50 PM
hello to all, I am hosting a partylite, candle party if anyone is interested in joining please feel free to contact me with email address.
Thanks
Desiree

5/27/2007 1:17:56 PM
Ok, so we went to chambers last night.  Was interesting.  It is completely not what I am used to back home, was actually kind of sedate.  I am gonna go again on another night, that way I get a full opinion about it.

5/23/2007 7:55:52 PM
Ok while doing dishes tonight I came to a conclusion about myself.  (amazing what dishes will let you do!)  I may have this whole M/s thing wrong.  Maybe I should do more research.  I found myself questioning..why am I fighting so hard to keep him.  He is not mine, he is married to another.  Why do I care if he looks for others, I get nothing in return in this relationship.  I am not in this to be "owned" I am in it to be loved, cared for and respect.  I am a woman before I am slave, and if the woman in me is not happy then I can not be a slave.  So, why am I fighting? What am I fighting for?  A dead end relationship is what I am coming to on a synopsis..here it has been almost two years and nothing..I am a surrogate for his wife.  Heck go to SailingMaster's profile his picture has it in it, You will see that she and I have alot similarities. 
Okay done ranting.

5/22/2007 3:37:28 AM
Ok, here it is 6 am and I didn't get to bed until almost 1, what in the heck is wrong with me?  lol.  My website is doing well, just looking for new models, and dominants to pose in photos with me.  Looking to do more of bondage, and such.  Looks like we will be going to chambers this weekend.  Other than that life is just peachy.
Hugz
Des

5/19/2007 1:50:03 PM
Its been a while since my last entry.  I have moved, SailingMaster left for california and came back.  Now he is here, and I was happy for a while, but I do not understand why I am not enough for him.  He keeps searching for other girls.  He wants more.  I know I am not perfect nor do I claim to be.  But this rips my heart into shreds, I run a small escort business, and have a website.  He throws in my face about my clients.  Its not like I am trying to move my clients in or start a relationship with them.  There is a big difference in what I am doing and what he is trying to do.  He has spent more nights sleeping on the couch than he has in our bed.  He tells me about this girl he used to own and thinks about bringing here.  I guess I am not suppose to have feelings, thoughts or emotions.  Who would want a woman or slave of such?  That would make a dull being.  Where am I going wrong?  Why am I not enough?  I have done things no woman should ever do.  Maybe, I am not meant to be a slave.  I feel forced into something I am not ready to grasp.  Although, it has been almost 2 years with him..who knows.
I will say my adieus now.
D

4/17/2007 7:37:29 AM
so he has been gone and on his way back, I am busy with getting ready to move and was working on the website..other than that nothing new is going on.
hugz     


bbwfetishfairy.com

3/2/2007 9:45:18 AM
ok,
so being collared it is not what it is cracked up to be or I have the wrong Master for me.  But then again it may be different for those who do not live it 24/7  I used to think I would get security, protection, adoration, or love or something.  I recieve none of that.  When I need him most he is not there, and when he is here, its like I am not appreciated. for the things I do.  Maybe I am not strong enough to be a slave...I just know that I am not the same person I once was a year ago, and I am not liking it.

2/22/2007 8:23:07 AM
Ok, I know I am just a "slave" but here are my feelings on a matter.  Master has told me to write someone.  This someone is a person that has been writing back and forth with him.  So I do, and the other girl reads it, but does not take time to respond or anything.  This is why I do not trust other sub/slaves.  They all want a Master, and when they chat with one and the actual owned slave contacts them as ordered, they have no respect for the Masters property to respond...isn't this a slap in the face for the Master????? This is not the first time that it has happened on this site.  Do these girls really think they are going to take my place????  Or do they think that they are better than me?  Who knows and cares...all I got to say is F*CK you all that can't take the time to respond when I do take the time and thought to write.  Its not like I really want to write you anyhow. 

2/15/2007 3:33:14 AM
Life does seem to take you on a whirlwind ride sometimes.  I guess lately there has been a lot of confusion on my part as of whether or not I am owned.  I guess I still question it.  But, deep in my heart I believe I am.  I fear most of the time that he will bring someone else in, and they will take my place.  I know my Masters situation, and accept that and willing to accept that eventually I am gonna have to share him with his wife, which is ok, I came into this knowingly...its all these other girls/slaves that I don't trust.  I have noticed that women become very manipulative.  Especially on this site.  They see a man, see that he is dominant, and don't care whether or not he owns others, they try to be the #1 girl and take over.  I am not having it.  He may be Master, but it is MY house to run.  I have forgotten, and lost who I once was, and some how I need to get back there, I used to pride myself in being owned by him.  Its not easy living something that is 24/7 and is real life, instead of this cybergame that they play.  I have to submit, but I don't know what I have not submitted to him.  I guess I need to reflect on me, but also him.  Isn't it an expectation that a Master should care for the well being of a slave, not only physical, but mental???  Enough of my rambling for the day

2/8/2007 8:03:52 PM
well my birthday was on superbowl, and my whole entire family forgot my Birthday..I was a little bit disappointed, Harry even thought it was the following week..so it kind of sucked for me at the moment.  I am looking forward to going to the night parade and will be out at where club paradise is by the blue shark in Ybor, so if anyone wants to and is going to be there, stop by and say hello.
hugz
D

1/24/2007 5:21:11 PM
I am an obsequious woman.  I am here for you.  I need and desire to be that type of woman.  I need a man to take me for who and what I am.  I need a man to make me theirs.  I need a man to love and cherish me.  In return, I will be everything you could ever imagine.  Desire me and command me for your every need.  This my Dear Sir...is who I am.

1/15/2007 7:25:58 AM
wow! It looks as though I have dropped off the face of the earth..but seriously I have not.  School has kept me busy as well as work.  I have a new purchase goal...I want a toy or tea cup schnauzer..they are so adorable.  I believe it would be a perfect companion for me...lol
Blessed be to all and hope 2007 treats everyone well.

10/5/2006 6:16:28 PM
Oh my it has been quite some time since I last had an entry...Lets see, I have gone through some changes, and my views on the lifestyle have changed, but I have not changed, or maybe I have who knows.  Looks like the changes have been coming for a while now.  Sometimes I wonder if my Master regrets showing me some of what I am today..I don't think its bad changes..its almost like watching your child grow up and make their own decisions w/o your guidance.  there is so much that could be taken from lifestyle other than kicks and kinks.  well am off for now.

6/13/2006 7:28:51 PM
Everything has been going well, there are alot of ups and downs, but nothing that cannot be overseen..work has been keeping me busy, we have lost alot of employees, on top of managers, and of course salary has to make up the absence.  I am looking forward to alot of meetings, and have accomplished alot since I been with this company. 
Training, comes and goes, but it is more due to work, damn job gets in my way..would way rather, be at school and training. 
Have decided to do a scrapbook of my training, "The Winding Road, a slaves path"
On that note I am off hope everyone is doing well and my wishes to everyone

6/6/2006 5:49:26 PM

6/5/2006 5:36:54 PM
well,
I guess my last journal entry had no result..guess I should check into an advertising agent..hahaha. 

My Master, has been real ill as of late, so hopefully he will be alot better.  I miss him wanting to "use" me, in his words for sex.  lol
Anyhow I  am off to read or do something productive.

6/3/2006 6:24:14 PM
Oh yeah, on another note, I am seeking a female to join me on occasion who is also submissive/slave.  I enjoy being with women, and would love to have a friend that wouldn't mind "playing" from time to time.  If anyone is interested PLEASE feel free to contact me.  I am not all about sex, there is more to me than sex, but I do enjoy being with women quite a bit, and I am sorry, but picking a girl up at the bar just isn't too much fun for me unless I have someone else to pick her up with me..oh and of course the person would have to feel comfortable if my Master joined in on occasion, or watched.
Thanks!

6/3/2006 6:09:44 PM
what is the definition of a wife?
According to webster:

1 b : a woman acting in a specified capacity -- used in combination wife>
2 : a female partner in a marriage

Marriage:

1 a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage marriage> b : the mutual relation of married  persons c : the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage
2 : an act of marrying or
the rite by which the married  status is effected; especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities
3 : an intimate or close union marriage of painting and poetry -- J. T. Shawcross

Now, reading this on both definitions...if a woman consents to a union to a man who may or may not be married...is it considered married if not recognized by the law?  If we look back to the ancient ways men, had numerous wives, and some women had numerous husbands..so why is it so tabu these days?  How does one deal with this?  I believe in polygamy, but there are so many laws against it.  If two or more consenting adults wish to be married to one another then this should be their choice, not ours..maybe we should look at the ancestors from way beyond before we judge those who choose to live certain lives.
For those who do not know I am a huge fan of the show Big Love off on HBO.  
Anyhow that is my thought of the day.

5/28/2006 3:32:00 PM
A Gorean man accepts only the complete, total and abject surrender from a slave. That means that there is no safe-word and no time-outs, because what we do is not a game. Surrender is forever - or until such a time as the slave decides consciously to fail and she then no longer is a Gorean slave......



I found this in a group I am in, and alot of it being said is what I have been told during the whole time of my training..makes you think..

5/23/2006 7:38:15 PM

I have read what I have been writing, as I do such..I realize, that maybe I am basing my whole life around something I believe is somewhat bogus.  Don't get me wrong I believe in alot of the beliefs.  Although, I feel like the woman that can be acted out..its just not something you do with your wife....unless that is what the two of you do..maybe I am wrong.  I used to think that I would be something somewhat of a 2nd wife, but more and more it seems that things are falling apart, I feel like I am not being replaced, but pushed away.  I find it hard to be what my Master wants me to be.  Maybe its part of my training..but how much more than total submission can I give, I mean I left my life in this mans hands.  I gave all that I can give.  I may have more to give, but why should I give, and not recieve, if you read a few books the slaves do get something back time to time.  But then again if you read the gor books, everyone has a different understanding and view.  I guess I just want to be loved, and actually feel it, hear that I am loved, even the pets get more attention than what I am seeing.  Is this normal?  My heart is breaking daily, and I guess I am not allowed to feel no emotions, he doesn't want to talk with me, he doesn't want to be around me anymore..maybe its me that drives it away.  I guess sometimes you need to step back and re-evaluate where you want to go in life. 
I guess I am just frustrated because I gave what life I knew up, to be here with him, and now I am so alone.  he is around, but I am still alone, and that is my biggest fear..I hate being alone, I used to think a slave was property that should be cared for, cherished.  Not tossed aside.  Or left with the feeling of being tossed aside.  I am not sure where I went wrong, maybe its not me.  Maybe I have a little bit to do with it.  I don't know.  ok, done with the blabbering..
Hugz


5/21/2006 4:48:09 PM
"Obedience is a tool to bring love to its fullest _expression.
It is about the relationship between two people and how
they need each other to find personal fulfillment, to really
be themselves. One by owning, the other by being owned."

         --Han van der Horst


5/19/2006 4:55:01 AM

OK, soapbox time...

After doing alot of reflecting, I have decided to get back to me.  If I am not happy with myself, regardless of the reason how can I be happy and be at peace serving?  So, now the question is, how does one do that and still serve..well I will be honest serving has become robotic to me..(boy is my Master gonna love this..he likes robotics and sci fi crap..btw considering to request cable to ban sci fi channel.)So, I can still serve, it may not have all my heart in it, but I need to get back to the basics, the basics that drawn my Master to me, that down deep that made me..well me.  I won't lie, I have been going through something, and honestly could not tell a person what it is.  I do not know myself.  Its like having a world war going on inside my body and mind, and then I act out, and then I get in trouble.  I hate being in trouble.  Anyhow, back to the basics for me.


5/16/2006 10:29:05 AM
I liked this poem and thought I would share:

                                



FORGOTTEN BEAUTY


By Miss Beth

When we were slim and youthful,
You promised to be truthful.
You used to stop and say,
At least once on every day:

"You're beautiful."

Now your kiss, it is so chaste,
Then you walk away in haste.
And I wonder to myself,
putting dishes on the shelf:

Am I still beautiful?

As you pass me in the hall,
The computer's siren's call
Is more tempting than my touch
And I miss you oh, so much.

Tell me I'm beautiful.

Now another says the phrase
And my figure holds his gaze
As I caress his swelling member
Now at last I do remember:

I'm beautiful.

It wasn't you who had to feel it
I had only to reveal it.
My mind has found the key
To pull you back to me:

I'm gorgeous!

5/15/2006 5:28:19 PM
Ugh,
Work, class, class, work, is all that I seem to be getting done..sometimes I look in the mirror and say welcome to the real world. 

"Learning is finding out what you already know.  Doing is demonstrating that you know it, Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you." I guess basically we all are teachers and constantly learning whether we are slave or Master, we learn from one another, it is our Masters responsability to teach us as slave and remind us what we already know down deep inside, and I have realized that down deep in my gut I have nothing but desire to serve.  I guess that is the fire in the tummy that I keep hearing about. 
Anyhow, off I go now

5/10/2006 2:06:01 PM

Last couple of days seems like my life or what I am working for is spiraling downwards, and I am not sure how or what to do to stop it.  On other thoughts, I went to class for work today..recieved my certificate..yaaaaay me..now I have to concentrate on the college thing, classes are suppose to start, but there was a situation with my trust, so now I am waiting for a answer.
Enough of this..I will update later.


5/9/2006 3:34:38 PM
I keep screwing up, and I am not sure if I have what it takes.  I am so close on the edge and ready to jump, with no one there to save me.  Reality set into me last night, there is no one there to save me but myself.  Not even my Master can save me if I either didn't want to be saved or I never realized I needed it...is this what this lifestyle about??? Fixing girls that love to be with men and are vulnerable?  I mean come on really..I enjoy serving Master, but what else?  I have no place in this world but to be his slave, I will never be introduced to family.  So why do I do this? why do I put myself here?  I am my own destruction, I keep following the same pattern, only I have found a more secure enviroment for a controlled life.  I guess I thrive on this.  I keep pushing and pushing, and honestly what do I get out of it?  Not a darn thing.  So, why keep on...honestly what the hell is there out here for me?  I see that I am the reason I have f*cked up so many relationships, but the question is why.  Now I have everything I want so why do I try to ruin it?  How does a person get back to good?  If anyone has the answer please tell me, because I really don't know, I do not have a clue.  I am lost.  I need the guidance, I feel as though I have no place in this world.  I feel lonely.  I feel I am not enough.  I feel worthless.  I am angry, and I am upset.  Where and when did it all go wrong with me?  I guess I will always be what they call a lost soul.  That is what I am...a lost soul.

5/7/2006 10:28:34 AM
A kajira is a sensual, beautiful, woman. She is trained to please men by the way she walks, kneels, cleans, and talks. A kajira brings out her deepest desires, her hopes, fears, and her trials as a slave in her dances. A kajira is strong willed, though not defiant. She would never become a Doormat and she would not be broken, but rather, trained from the place that she is at, and built up. A kajira is taught to be a slave. She is thought her place. The kajira cannot turn on and off her slavery. She is not just a slave in the bedroom, but in every aspect of her life. She has complete and total trust in her Master, never testing him or doubting him. A kajira is proud; she wears her collar as a symbol of what she strives to be. When she is assigned a task, she completes it fully using only her best efforts. She does not do the task because she fears the punishment, but because it pleases her Master for her to do it. And a kajira receives pleasure when she is pleasuring her Master. A kajira may brat from time to time, but she never manipulates, and by that I mean, she doesnt half way complete a task on purpose just so she can receive a punishment or attention.

A kajira knows that she represents her Masters House, when the free look at her, they see a reflection of her training, of what Her Master, and in my case, also the First Girl have taught her. For a girl to blatantly disobey her Master, or even worse do it in public, not only looks bad on her, but also looks bad on her Master and his other girls. A kajira will strive to be the best she can, in public and in private.

Every woman must decide whether slavery is for her or not. Here is what the books say about slavery, The Gorean claim that in each woman there is a free companion, and in each a slave girl. The companion seeks for her companion; the slave girl for her Master. It is said further, that on the couch, the Gorean girl, whether slave or free, who has had the experience, who has tried all the loves, begs for a Master. She wishes to belong completely to a man, with holding nothing, permitted to withhold nothing. And of course, of all women, only a slave girl may truly belong to a man, only a slave girl; can be truly his, in all ways, utterly, totally, completely his, selflessly, at his mercy, his ecstatic slave, helpless and joyous in the total submission to which she is given no choice but to yield. (Hunters of Gor, Norman, 115)

A woman has a side of her, that yearns to submit, and a side that fights for freedom. Its only when she becomes a complete slave, and accepts her position that she finds her freedom in being a slave. These are traits desired in a kajira.

5/5/2006 8:17:28 PM

I feel so empty, so lonely.  I need and desire to please my Master, but how do you do it when you are not happy?  I am extremely happy with Master, I just need more conversation, more attention, my training has fallen behind, and I am just at my ends..what to do what to do..and I am bored. 
Maybe I should go away for a while, maybe Master will allow that, it would probably do us both good.  I dont know.  I am in land of confusion.


5/3/2006 10:39:00 AM
 being alone is my worst fear so staying here is my worst fear.  All along I knew there was something missing and only one thing to do.    I am tired of being alone.

4/25/2006 8:55:06 AM
an excerp from an Anne Rice Novel this is exactly how I feel...

"My only hope for a deep love, a loss of myself to someone, not merely a loss amid all that strives to break me down and remake me. But a loss to someone who is sublimely cruel, sublimely good at mastering. Someone who might somehow, in the blaze of my suffering, see the depth of submission and love me also."

I believe that all slaves should feel like that, I hear talk about this burning feeling in their belly..but I can say, I don't feel that, but I do feel the constant desire to please my Master, and serve him.  Sometimes my actions speak louder, and sends out the wrong signal.  I love my Master, and I believe to a point he loves me, as much as one could love a possession.

Sometimes I do not know how to show him, how much I desire him, and I do not know how to communicate some of the things in my head. 

4/24/2006 11:55:29 AM

kneeling beside You} {looking up} so You wish to know me??? it isn't easy to describe the ebb and flow of one's soul...but try as i might i only find the typical words to describe the unusualness of myself... my life is a study of controversy and abnormality...i desire the feel of the whip...and the dominance of a Master... i yearn to give of myself...my whole self to One who is Cruel but wise...that seeks wisdom in all things...and knows when to punish as well as praise...i wish for One who will lead me and guide me thru the hard times and celebrate the good times... i wish to follow One who will eventually learn to love me for myself...and not wishing to change too much of me but merely to polish me so that i will outshine a diamond...i yearn to kneel and serve...but only to One who truly deserves the loyalty and love of a slave... i am merely myself and yet more...

I am a slave, yes I like to be controlled, dominated, ruled over.  Maybe it is I am scared to make my own decisions, or maybe I like the spankings.

So with this being said is this enough self/soul searching?????


4/16/2006 8:58:09 AM
Women can't be trusted with decisions about their own bodies, but multi-national corporations like Halliburton can make life and death decisions without regulation.

Now how true is that?????  A very good friend of mine and I were in a heavy discussion last night, I was talking about decisions being made for me and we started on other topics, and my friend popped off with the Halliburton topic.  What is this world coming to?  Ok, that is my yearly world view..lol  Sorry if it offends anyone, its not meant to be offensive.

4/14/2006 5:15:45 PM
Things have been somewhat quiet in the household, I am still trying to deal with certain things, and reform my immediate actions, thoughts and feelings when it comes to certain things.  I have found it takes alot of self control.  Some may look at my journal and say silly slave girl...and then there are those who are in my every day life, who think I am weak, and that they are stronger because I choose to live my life this way. Does this make them stronger?  No, I don't believe so, but I do believe makes me stronger in who I am.  Everyone has a different aspect on how one shall live.  Mine just happens to be that I choose to live with a man, who has chosen to take on the added responsibility of taken on one as like me.  For that I have absolute respect for him.  Not very many men in the world would take on, react, and be responsible as he does.  Okay I am rambling again...so this girl shall go.

4/3/2006 9:36:15 AM
ok,
I have finally recieved my collar back from Master, but since I have recieved it I have noticed I get irritated a little more.  I have more of an attitude problem.  I was doing so much better serving with out it!  I guess this is something I am gonna have to reflect on and see where my problem lies..I know I have been feeling quite ill as of late, but is no excuse for my actions towards my Master.  Maybe I have some sort of a confusion going on with me.  I will definately reflect, and when I realize what is going on I will let you all know..hope all is having a wonderful day and had a beautiful weekend.
Hugz

3/28/2006 5:15:16 AM
I have been working really hard to be the slave that my Master wants, and earn my collar back, pathetic sounding I know.  I am not sure if all this work is worth the hassle.  Master Sailing wants me to finish school, and has mentioned sending me back to Indiana, to do such.  All this does is sets this girls fear in so many ways.  I will be honest, I have not had a stable relationship and the ones that I have had, were extremely abusive, and when I say abusive it was more life and death literally.  My Master is trying to look out for me, but I don't think he realizes that there is a great pain that goes through me when he speaks about sending me back, and things.  I feel like I am not able to talk to him.  I never expected to be in a relationship as this.  I never expected to feel what I feel, I am not sure if I really want to, but I cannot help it.  It is the nature of me.  To be slave, and love.  My Master is a good man.  Any woman/slave that ends up with him would be proud and grateful that he would take them under his wing so to speak..Master Sailing has changed me to who I am now, and he is slowly fixing the things that are wrong with me, whether I thought it was broke or not.
OK, enough of my ramblings.

3/20/2006 4:09:38 AM
It has been a while, since I have written here, alot of things have come to happen.  Master has become upset with me, and I suppose I was a bad slave.  Its easy to submit, and its easy to be a part time slave, but to live it every day and every minute of your life is hard.  And to be learning the Gorean way is even rougher.  I do try to exceed in my tasks, and challenges.  I do try to overcome the things that hold me back from being the best slave I can be. 
Master always asks me "is this where you want to be", "who are you" "what do you want to be" "who do you belong to" "who owns you" I answer these questions as I should, but I wonder if I answered them to what he wants to hear or if it was how I truly felt.  Until the other day when I upset Master, and my collar was taken away from me, and I contemplated about why it was taken, and the event that had happened prior to it.  I was wrong on alot of accounts, but feel that it was nothing so bad that my collar should of been stripped from me.  I feel lost without it, I spoke with Master about my collar this morning, he is going to reflect on my thoughts and feelings.  Its easy to submit, and I could do that with no worries, and I thought I was being a good slave, and serving all the time, and now all I have left to give my Master is my complete sweet surrender.  I am truly scared, what happens when that happens?  Where do I go from there?  Will things change?  Now I am thinking will I be capable of letting myself surrender to him.
I have taken up too much room for this subject so I will go now and contemplate more as of what it is I am going to do with myself, and whether or not I want to take myself to the limits I am terrified of.

1/18/2006 8:52:49 AM
Ever feel like that if you lost something that your whole world would come crumbling down?  I feel like that today, but hopefully it will get better, I started a new job this past week, and enjoying the chance to get out a little bit, but my adaptation to Florida isn't going so well, either that or there is a very serious sinus/cold epidemic going around. LOL
Anyhow, life seems to be going good so far, it has its ups and downs and works its way out.  I also wanted everyone to know that I do enjoy the emails, and seriously apologize that I cannot respond to all, only a few.
well I gotta run
Take Care
Hugz

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moredaunting
 
 Age: 27
  California