"Whatever is here is found elsewhere. But what is not here is nowhere else." ― Mahabarata
I am venturing out into the world to see what I can learn, and to ensure that when I die it will have been because I lived, not merely because the days had passed until I would fatally succumb to the boredom of an unexplored existence. Where I'm going, I've not the faintest idea. My purpose is to be on this road, to surrender to it, and to serve it. It is not my place to construct this path any more than it is the place of a marble to construct its jar, or to tell the air where it should land.
If you receive a message from me but it looks like I'm not in your area, there's a good chance I intend to be soon and am interested in making new acquaintances with like-minded companions. Or I just feel like chatting online because I'm in a relatively remote and kink-free part of the world at the time.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi
My life is fucking amazing. Really, truly fucking amazing. Awe-inspiring, even. I was asked once if I'd prefer to have a "nice" partner or a "brilliant" partner. The answer is always brilliant. Politeness is preferable, but intelligence is mandatory. Confidently brilliant is even better.
My gender is made of a highly dynamic http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-Newtonian_fluid that shifts from person to person. It's all over the place and does not act according to the laws of physics with which you're probably accustomed. Ag is an ungendered name which serves as a useful mask in a relatively public community. Despite all of this, I identify as a (trans) man at my default setting. My pronouns are exclusively masculine except to those with whom I have an established relationship and have negotiated otherwise.
If you're scratching your head wondering how I can be doing that thing with that guy, but then the next day doing this thing with this guy, I recommend spending two minutes of your time reframing your ideas about me to reflect
I'm picky and cynical. Not only do I distrust humanity on the whole, I especially distrust those to whom I find myself attracted. They are, after all, most often politicians. Or sociopaths. Or both.
https://.com/users/1275937/posts/1648963
“Certain souls may seem harsh to others, but it is just a way, beknownst only to them, of caring and feeling more deeply.” ― Marquis de Sade
Ideally, I tend toward socially well-adjusted cismale computer programmers (yes, they exist), especially for D/s relationships. They have a statistically better grasp on the reality that if I'm behaving in a way they dislike, there's probably something wrong with how they've programmed me. I'm malleable and eager to please; all you have to do is enter code until you get what you want from me. Consequently, I am sometimes as infuriating and confusing as your computer.
Historically, I have found myself surprisingly bottom-heavy in my array of partners. With travel, the ratio of tops, bottoms, women, and men with whom I'm involved changes regularly and is largely dependent on the culture wherever I am. I am incredibly humbled and grateful for the beautiful people who have contributed to and continue to participate in my life, and every day brings about a new sense of awe at the ways in which they are willing to offer themselves up to me, or to embrace the offering I make of myself to them.
“When she's abandoned her moral center and teachings...when she's cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor...when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure.....enticing from within this feral lioness...growling and scratching and biting...taking everything I dish out to her.....at that moment she is never more beautiful to me. ” ― Marquis de Sade
I'm interested in balancing my relationships a bit better by finding compatible male tops who share a mutual interest in intensity. If, when you're around me, you find yourself thinking "I'm not sure if I should be bottoming to him or topping him," then the answer is bottoming. Topping me takes a fair amount of courage and fortitude that does not coexist well with confusion and reluctance. If you pull back from uncertainty instead of leaning into it, you don't want to top me. Even if you do want to, you're going to find quickly that you can't. If you're looking for the way to my heart, it's through social justice. If you're looking for the way to my cunt, it's through my throat. Aiming for the throat yields a far better success rate among those who've taken their shot at me.
Regardless of where you're aiming, whether for the heart or the cunt, I'm eager to please but hard to win over. There is a vacancy in my heart for a D/s relationship I'm convinced I'll never find, and I'm content to leave it empty rather than to fill it with the wrong placeholder. At least for as long as this position remains unfilled, I have established a https://.com/users/121733/posts/1755783 for a select handful of companions who are entitled to borrow and use me as they see fit. My need to serve and to be of use are currently being sufficiently met by them, making the regular maintenance and acceptance of my D/s vacancy a relatively easy and very manageable task. I am eager and easily excitable. I get just as giddy over dairy-free cheese or new boots as I do over first dates and hot scenes. There is usually a smile on my face from ear to ear, often combined with glowing, slightly squealy, giddy exclamations about the amazingness that is my life. I prefer to spend my time among those who appreciate this about me and make no effort to stifle it.
Punishment will almost always shut me down, but I am readily motivated by positive reinforcement. There are some amazingly ridiculous things I'm willing to do just to have Good Faggot scrawled across my chest in Sharpie marker. Head scritches, snuggles, and smiling tops are also excellent rewards for me.
What I ask for above all else, no matter the context, depth, or intensity of our relationship, is open, honest, and precise communication. Sometimes this requires having conversations that are unpleasant. I accept and welcome this. I am not interested in pursuing relationships with those who shy away from difficult conversations; the ability to have these discussions with grace and courage is imperative to my way of life.
If you're considering messaging me, take a moment to proofread. I'm not kidding. Do it.
Be it life or death, we crave only reality. If we are really dying, let us hear the rattle in our throats and feel cold in the extremities; if we are alive let us go about our business. - Henry David Thoreau
Namaste. ~ Ag
Last night, I was finally collared by my best friend, my Habibi.? It's been 2 years that we've had this relationship between us, although it wasn't until December 2008 that I was finally introduced to BDSM and suddenly found myself able to express in words what it was that we'd been doing all along.? Since then, this self-evolved dynamic we've had over the past couple years has blossomed into a more wonderful experience, and we're both thrilled to be headed in a more solid, defined direction.
I feel like I'm on Cloud 9 right now, thrilled to have spent time with him (he's long-distance from me), thrilled to have nearly a whole week left of my vacation still, thrilled to feel his collar rubbing a sore little spot on my neck when I turn my head.? Sure, it'll probably get to be a bit much later on, and I'll discuss it with him eventually, but for now I'm enjoying the pain, soaking in every moment of it as my physical reminder of my devotion to him.
Woohoo! I'm collared! :D
Alright... it's time for a *very* belated update. It's not like I ever use CM anymore, so I've just not bothered. Anyone who follows me on knows what's going on in my world though. :)
I look back at these old journals, and I laugh now. It was such a difficult process then, and so many things didn't make sense to me. "Switches aren't real" and the ever-ridiculous concept of the "true submissive" both clouded my understanding of things from the start. But I'm past that now. I know what I am. I'm a switch.
I hate the term, really, because it implies that I alternate between Dom and sub. It suggests that I'm one or the other at any given time. But I'm not.
I'm a Dom.
I'm a sub.
I'm both at all times, never one less significant than the other, with neither of those negating the other in any way. I am secure in them both. I know what I want. And now that I'm not being swayed with the breeze of bystanders telling me how I should or shouldn't identify my sexuality, I'm a much, much happier person. :)
So, it's finally been solved... I think.? The whole mystery over sub vs. not-sub has reached this final conclusion:
I like to serve my partner.? I want a partner that I can make happy and fulfilled and who wants for nothing so long as I can offer it.
But I am not a sub.? I do not want to be 'expected' to do anything.? I want to be able to choose to do it on a case-by-case basis, even though, ultimately, I will almost always choose to do what makes my partner happy.? I will likely never offer myself fully to anyone.? It's just not who I am.? But I am likely to offer myself of my own volition through unspoken means.
That works for me.? It basically means that I don't belong searching for relationships on a BDSM site, lol, but at least this stepping stone has helped me learn more about what I'm after (and what I'm not) and give me some ideas for where to search now.
And, for those of you who have been a part of this journey over the last couple months with me (you know who you are), I'd just like to say thank you to ALL of you (yes, even Dan who got me into this mess by convincing me I was something I'm not).? You have made SUCH an impact on my life and I thank you all tremendously for the experiences you've given me. :)
*sigh*
I just can't do it.? I really just don't think I can do it.
And now our plot thickens!
So, you know all that stuff I wrote before about definitely not being a sub?? Hehe... yea, that's not right. At all. :P? I've come to learn that just because I'm not what some Doms are looking for (especially the 20 y/o "doms" who want me to submit during a one-time cyber encounter) does not mean that I'm not a sub.
I'm just fucking picky, is all. :D
I won't submit right away to anyone.? In fact, I may not submit within a year... or two... or more.? But that's okay, and that is what I've been trying to figure out.? I'm beginning to accept that I am completely comfortable with pissing people off, disappointing their unfounded expectations of me, and popping their bubbly dream of bliss and living happily ever after before getting to know me.? Their choices to get lost in a fantasy that they create for themselves are their own actions and provide their own natural consequences.? I am not responsible for their disappointment in that instance.
Wow, that's an incredible thing to know.
I cannot and will not submit to someone just because they tell or want me to.? I will not trust someone just because I have no reason not to trust them.? I will not be nice to someone who makes me feel uncomfortable after I have asked them to stop.? You're welcome to try and back me into a corner and make me feel bad about who I am and how I treat you if you feel so inclined.? And I am welcome to block you.
I feel very much like these last couple weeks have really helped me grow as a person and that I am now very solid in how I deserve to (and will) be treated.? I have given in far too much for far too long, compromising the treatment I deserve and receive from others in order to make them happy.? In short:
I am a free thinker. I am clingy. I am compassionate. I am compulsive. I am fiesty. I am fun. I am in control of myself. I am impulsive. I am independent. I am intelligent. I am loyal. I am not a doormat. I am not always easy to get along with. I am not your pet. I am opinionated. I am skeptical. I am still in control of myself. I am strong. I am willful. I owe you nothing.
Add to list of qualities I'm looking for in a partner:
I want someone who can have trust in me just as I trust him.? If he can't trust me to lead him through a pit of serpents blindfolded, he should absolutely not expect this of me.
I'm definitely not searching for a sub.? That much is official.? Not a particularly aggressive or expectant Dom, either.? Hmm... I'm still working on communicating that idea.? I'll? get back to ya when I have better words to work with... *scurries off to read entire dictionary*
Okay. I've sufficiently had my last question answered. Thank you all for the help.
And in reference to the person who seems to think I'm an alpha sub... no... sorry dear. I'm pretty sure you're wrong again. :P
Babygirl - check. Alpha sub - check.
Anyone other suggestions for labeling myself? Anyone? :P
"Alpha Submissive"
Can someone please explain to me what this means?
Day 4:
Things are getting much clearer now.? Here is what I've learned this week:
I am not a sub. Go ahead and argue it until you're blue in the face.? But I've just pissed off and disappointed enough doms this week to know that I am not a sub.? I am opinionated and controlling and sometimes even defiant.? That will not change.? I do not want that to change.? It has kept me alive for 20 years, and it is not a part of me that I will/want to let go of.
I do not want someone to give me their submission. Submission is a wonderful, incredible gift that I would not like to be given.? Just because I'm stubborn and have a dominant personality does not mean I want a partner who will give me whatever I want.? That's boring.? I understand that it's great for some people, but it bores me.?? I need to feel challenged in my relationship.? But I need that from someone who can treat my feelings and opinions as equal to his own, and weigh my opinion or course of action objectively against his.? I don't want someone to agree with me to make me happy, nor disagree with me to put me in my place.? I just want a moderate challenge...
I am astounded by the people I've spoken to through here and on instant messenger this week.? If only I'd been on this site during the semester of my sociology class... I could have saved SO much time...
So the question has brought itself to my awareness as of late:? What do I want for the rest of my life in a relationship?? And when I sit and think about that a little while longer, I realize that the question seems only so massive because it is a combination of two phenomenally large questions in and of themselves:? What do I want for the rest of my life, and what do I want in a relationship?
I've made lists and charts and essays and sketches.? I've thought through possibility after possibility, no matter how troubling, mundane, or appealing.? I've come to the following conclusions in the hope that they at least lead me somewhere, despite that they seem, at times, either obvious or a little off the wall (or both): ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What I want:
>A guy. I love women. They're incredible. But I don't want to be with one forever. I want a male partner.? (That's something I've never realized until now) > Attention > Consideration as an equal, neither inferior nor superior to my partner > Compliments/Praise (but not all the time) > Excellent Communication > Financial stability > Freedom to be polyamorous > Fun > Having a say in my partner's appearance (clothing, hair, etc) > Honesty > Kindness > Organization/structure > Patience > Respect > Safety > Security > Sex on my own terms > Someone who enjoys life, especially when it gets boring > To be a stay-at-home mom > To be able to lay down rules both for myself and over my household. > To be able to mutually agree/compromise on the rules in my relationship > To be nurtured > Trust
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What I don't want:
> Angry temperament > Being forced to do things I don't want to do > Complete submission by either my partner or me > "Excessive" kink (no tazers, bleeding, or anything /really/ painful) > Feeling "trapped" in a relationship > Jealousy/Possessiveness > Lack of Trust > Refusal to communicate -- ever. > Secrecy > Violence ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some of these things, the more I think about them, seem like basic human rights.? They're things I've not always had in past relationships though.? I do not want to submit myself entirely to another person.? I understand what an incredible gift that is to give, but I cannot see myself ever being capable of offering that to anyone.? I don't think that what I'm looking for is either too extreme or too much to ask.? I just want someone to treat me as I deserve to be treated, to put my opinion and feelings above all others, to love me and care for me in the ways that I need, and to enjoy life with me no matter what.? I need openness.? I need compassion.? I need Trust.? I don't want to be a slave, nor do I want someone to feel enslaved to me.? I do not want someone who will just take whatever I throw at them. I'm too strong for that, too overbearing.? I need someone with the ability to delicately balance when I need to be kept in line against when I should be allowed to go on about my way...
Often times, I need to be kept on a short leash (NOT to be taken literally).? I'm opinionated, easily agitated, outspoken, hasty, and sometimes just flat-out unruly.? I need someone who can keep me in line from doing and saying things that I shouldn't (often for my own good) without being demeaning or violent.? I need someone who can gently stop what I'm doing, gently talk me down from it, and gently teach me how to do things better next time.? I'm a handful. I know that.
I also know that when I find someone who deserves me, he'll have both the difficult mess to deal with and the most incredible partner he could possibly ask for.? :)
