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| i've given up on reasons why i've sought abusive men from an early age. it is the only thread in my life. it is why i breath, why i get up in the morning, what is on my mind every waking hour...to find strong confident men who overwhelm me, use me, hurt me, give me a reason to be alive.
my journey has taken me on many paths. i was taken from my stepfather and mother in my mid teens, because of how he treated me, yet i cried when i was taken from him. i bounced from foster home to foster home because of how i focused on the men or boys in the home. i couldn't help myself, i wanted their attention always, needed their touch if at all possible.
as an adult i became an erotic dancer at 18. Finally getting the attention i yearned for, but it was never enough. my life has been through so many stages since, some destructive as i became an addict, trying to dull the fire inside me that needed to please. some were glamourous, as the extended time i spent as a kept mistress wth my own downtown highrise condo in the second home of a elderly millionaire man who loved me but couldn't quench my fire. i've tried religion, i've tried self help new age awareness, but i always end up looking for that rough man, the one in leather or in a suit.
After all this time, i'm back with my mother, the one i was taken from 21 year ago. She is very ill and dying and we have made peace. My stepfather left this world years ago. He may have given me this fire inside, or maybe he just saw i had it in me and coudn't resist using and abusing the girl made to please men.
i'm accepting my role as a fucktoy and piece of abusemeat.
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