Why is it when I have the opportunity to do something there is never anything happening!! When things are happening then I don't have the opportunity!! Sod's law!!

Today I shall be functioning on less than an hours sleep!! If I am never seen again then send out the search party - I may go insane! I must must must get at least 7 hours sleep or I become grumpy - I think I have rights to kill at the moment!

When someone passes from this life to wherever they go they leave a huge hole in peoples hearts that nothing can ever replace. No amount of warning can ever prepare you for it either.

I've experienced deaths on all different levels. From my own children to close friends and family members. All but 3 of my grandparents died suddenly and the other was dying for 10 years before he did. Death has always been a quick thing around me. They get ill, or they don't, and suddenly they are gone.

So having a 'warning' that someone had 12 months was sort of like a blessing in disguise to me. 12 months to make more lasting memories with this person. Until yesterday when the world came crashing down and we were told it would be weeks rather than months, then 2 nights ago it was days rather than weeks. Yesterday I held their hand as those days became minutes, then final seconds...

I was proud to know someone so special and to be a part of their life.

I don't use this near enough as I maybe should - maybe writing here and putting the world to rights would be more cathartic than going through things in my head over and over. 

Remember all those years ago when you were a teenager. Your friend had a boyfriend (or girlfriend) and if you became friendly with them then *obviously* something had to be more. You get older, late teens early twenties and spend a lot of time with a male (or female friend). Again *obviously* then there had to be more to it. Males and females can't *just* be friends. There *must* be some sexual element to it. 

I've done all of those. I've had male friends, probably more than I have had female friends. I've been friends with friends exes, I've been friends with friends husband. I've had gay friends, bi friends, lesbian friends and all kinds of friends. Just because I'm friends with them doesn't mean there is some undertone to it. That doesn't mean because I am friends with a male that I suddenly want to jump into bed with them.

So today, while at the hospital receiving news that the close relative I was visiting is actually only days away rather than months, I received messages accusing me of trying to get someone's Master interested in me. In actual fact I have been friends with the (male) person for about 10 months and that has never ever been my intention. Yes we have talked but nothing more than that. Yes we discussed BDSM things, we met through a BDSM site so of course that would be our common interest. But there was never anything untoward. It was a friendship. 

So now it seems subs and Doms can't be *just* friends without there being more to it.

And yet what annoys me the most about this is it's not the first time this has happened. I don't know whether it's because I'm a single female or I'm a single sub etc but just because I'm single doesn't mean I am looking for someone elses other half. I'm not. I will happily play with couples, I will happily play with one half of a couple but only on the understanding that the other 50% of that relationship is fully aware. I would never NEVER intentionally do something deceitful or underhanded that could hurt someone else. I have never done it so I don't know why people get that impression!

It's not even as though I am some attractive person. I'm not. I'm plain Janes less attractive more fatter sister. I have a disability that would have most people running off. 

So today has been a crap day. An imminent death of a family member and the death of a friendship where I did nothing wrong :(