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Choices and changes seem to go hand in hand along the path of life. We make choices all day, every day. So do others. Choices have been made by those around me that have made it necessary for me to make some changes of my own.My slave and submissive have been released and I am enjoying a time of solitude and social events with existing real life BDSM friends. There is no time in my life at this point, for online mentorship or entanglements. I tend to play with those familiar to me.
I do not want a submissive or slave who values itself so little as to offer servitude to strangers.
If you are not already a friend and you've read this far and still wish to communicate with me, preface your letter with the word "friendship". That will show me that you can read, comprehend and accurately follow instructions, and I will respond. Otherwise, you will be assumed to be a troll and you will not hear from me. Existing friends can write at any time and I'll respond, of course.
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I will be doing a fire play performance during the opening ceremonies at this summer's Leatherwoods camp out weekend, and will also do an educational presentation on that particular form of edge play later that evening.
There will be vendors of toys and more onsite. Over a dozen presentations, discussions and demos of many types of lifestyle interests such as service, play, and relationships are scheduled.
This is an excellent place in which to meet online contacts and/or potential partners and friends who share your interest in BDSM.
Lower registration rates apply until July 23. Registration ends Aug 6.
For more details, go to www.leatherwoods.org
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BDSM sites abound online. This morning I was given a link to a Canadian site that is full of useful information for anyone interested in the BDSM Lifestyle. The information is stated in a concise manner and I believe that if one were to read all the site has to offer, it would give one a distinct advantage in finding that which one seeks.
One of the areas in which I often see people new to this life making mistakes, is in selecting others with whom to form relationships as friends, mentors, Dominants, or submissives. The following is taken from the site mentioned above. The link to it is in the first paragraph taken from that site. In it is a brief compilation of some of the danger signals people should watch for in selecting play partners online as well as in face to face relationships.
The following points are presented to give guidance to those who set out on this path called BDSM, as well as those who have had repeated difficulty in finding a partner.
Below is the copy/paste from that site:
Red Flags for Kinky People
This document has been floating around the internet for a while.
If anyone knows the original source, please let us know
(ehbc@ehbc.ca) so we can give them
credit.
"Red flag" is a term to describe a personal trait or
behavior that is common in people who are harmful to
their partners. When getting to know someone online it
is very important that you look for these flags. When
you see these red flags slow down or stop the
relationship. Understand that none of these red flags
alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only
tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The
more you see these red flags, the more you are at
risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both
unhealthy Doms and subs. These recommendations are to
help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship.
If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive
relationship please contact somebody.
Red Flags:
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or
BDSM community.
2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad
when you ask or
quickly ends the conversation or answers questions
with questions.
3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask
around about them.
5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
6) Does not give you their home and work phone number
at the
appropriate time.
7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and
gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
8)Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to
participate,
especially if they never were part of it.
9) Consistently breaks promises.
10) Always finds excuses for not meeting.
11) Always puts blame on others for things going
wrong.
12) Does not take personal responsibility.
13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their
family members.
14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to
do.
15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or
contracts.
16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
17) Falls in love with you way too fast and swears
undying love
before even meeting you.
18) Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their
authority
should not be questioned.
19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good
enough. Says
that you are not a "True" sub.
20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and
regresses to
yelling, name-calling and blame.
21) Puts you down in front of other people.
22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best
friend to
arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and
then harshly
and accusingly the next.
24) Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is
overly
jealous.
26) Will not discuss what your possible future
relationship could
be like.
27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might
happen next in
the relationship.
28) Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
29) Belittles your ideas.
30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.
31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money
from you or
others.
33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in
getting
themselves seriously hurt.
35) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls,
chats) with
others.
36) Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual
manner as if role-
playing.
37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla
conversations.
38) Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless.
Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39) Has multiple online identities for interacting
with the same communities.
40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at
a time
without explanation.
41) Is rude to public servants such as waitresses,
cashiers and
janitors.
42) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to
anyone.
My own final words are these:
People are people... we all have human feelings and faults, dreams and desires.
To think that just because communication is done by
online methods does not change the basics of good manners and good sense, nor does it alleviate danger. Be respectful of yourself as well
as others, and most importantly, be safe. ~Lady Papillon
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Our move inland has gone well. Our friend's three year plan to get this place finished is speeding along. The main house is sufficiently finished that she has found a local job and has moved here. Our first play party was the first sat. of this month, and was fun. About thirty came out to play.
Oh, we no longer have my sub's mom living with us. However, we still don't have room for another sub to live-in.
We've been working on the dungeon lately. Lots to do to make it ready for next month's party. It's been well cleaned, extraneous junk moved out, furniture moved in, and a wall with door have been built to separate it from the rest of the structure. Electrical work is being done as well. It is going to be quite functional when completed.
It continues to surprise me as life goes on and more of my "hard limits" become my very passions! Last May I saw fire play for the first time, and fell in love with it. Fire play has become my passion, and I spend time reading and practicing, then writing about what I learn. Each time I play with one of my subs or a friend, it seems to draw a crowd. This summer I'll do my first presentation to a group and I am very excited about sharing what I've learned. AS well as the reading that I have done, I learn most by doing, and learn something each time we play. Last time I learned that spotters should have more training than I have been giving them, so besides writing about how to do fireplay from the top's point of view, I intend to also do some writing about how to be a good spotter.
My fem sub is editing a book of "kinky recipes" and I have contributed a few. I'm excited about seeing something of mine in print.
A few days ago I was at a meeting of local Dommes and the topic of submissives who annoy others with their lack of basic good manners. It seems that many of the local subs, and their Dom/mes as well, are lax with basic good manners. A couple suggested simply shunning them and not being around them. I am not convinced that is the best way to deal with the problem. When I was a BDSM baby, had people in this lifestyle not been patient with me and helped me to learn, where would I be now? Where would YOU be, without the kind help of those who were older in the lifestyle than you and helped explain things to you at some point? I believe that to be Dominant gives one a choice, and I strive to meet my choices with decency, dignity, kindness and renewed awareness of basic social etiquette. Instead of shunning those who have something to learn, I choose to teach them in as meaningful and positive a manner as I am able, but first by example.
Give good manners some thought. The same ones your folks may have tried to teach you or the ones you read about in school. Perchance those learned in the military. Church manners. Company manners. Corporate manners. Try them on, and even if you've not worn them for years I believe you'll find that they still fit you well and will make you look more attractive than ever. "Pardon Me", "May I...?", "Please", "Thank You", Small phrases, large impact. Stand when a Lady enters the room, do not pass between two people who are in conversation, open the door for a lady, don't stand in conversation in a doorway or high traffic area of a home or club. What have you to lose?
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It has been many months since I last wrote here. Life has been full and busy. My sub's mother has moved out of our home, so our Lifestyle is more open and free these days. It is wonderful!
I have placed a collar of ownership on lili, and am enjoying deepening the relationship that we began with email contact on a local BDSM list several years ago. She fits well into the family, and although she does not yet live with us 24/7, one day she will. We three cherish the times we have together.
mech and I met at the Literotica chat site, and we still chat there often. I have chatted there off and on for six or seven years. In May we went to Missouri to meet a number of the chatters from that site and to attend the handfasting ceremony of two of our dearest Lit friends. It was a wonderful experience to discover that the people were just as we had thought them to be. Expanding and deepening those friendships has enriched our lives a great deal.
Leatherwoods '07 is creeping up... can't wait til August! Last year's event was even better than anticipated, and I think this year it will be better yet. More of our online friends will come to meet each other. More of our local Lifestyle friends will attend this year, also. mech and I have been learning about fire play and we plan to do some there... it's so pretty in the dark of night!
If you are new to BDSM, bear in mind that first meetings can be scary and dangerous... and with good reason. People can type a good story here, and be real losers once one meets them. I have a friend who was badly beaten at a first meeting by a Dom she had been chatting with online. Don't be foolish. Be safe. My suggestion is that you find out when your local Lifestyle groups meet for munches and use those gatherings as a first meeting venue. I have met new subs at Leatherwoods in the past, also, and it worked well. It's safer to meet in public, and better yet to meet potential play partners or significant others in a place where the people around you know and understand what is happening. "There is safety in numbers!"... it's not just a well worn old saying, it's a fact! |
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W/we are deep in planning and preparation for O/our trip to Leatherwoods '06, an annual Lifestyle gathering held just outside Salem, Oregon. Dates are Aug 18-20. Venue is rustic and private, expense is minimal. Go to www dot Leatherwoods dot org for info on venue, registration, demos and classes. It's a wonderful place to meet online friends and make new ones. W/we hope to see you there! |
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The following comes from a letter I wrote in reply to a young man who inquired about My feelings regarding Female Supremacy and whether it is a concept to which I subscribe. I quote: "In answer to your questions, first, yes, I do believe in female supremacy, however, a more tempered than absolute sort. I simply do not believe in absolutes. I do not believe that having a body of one sex or the other guarantees that one is superior; it is the heart, soul and mind in conjunction with learned patterns of thought and behavior that make one truly superior. Therefore, there ARE superior men, but simply having a penis does not make them so. Women are superior to men in many areas, and I believe that the world would be a more orderly, sane and peaceful place if women were in high positions of government in order to make that universally accepted. Power does tend to corrupt some, and the women placed in those highly responsible positions would have to be well chosen, yet I believe the field from which we would choose would be more fertile ground than that which we currently till.
Second, yes, I do believe that young females should be trained to recognize and embrace their capabilities and therefore, their capabilities for dominance. In retrospect, I had a dominant streak a mile wide that was, with difficulty and lasting damage, kept under cover from birth to age 50. My mother was submissive as could be, and My father was strongly Dominant. Because children learn from their parents by example before ever comprehending a spoken word or setting foot into the larger world, I was "taught" by My mother that girls submitted to boys because boys were smarter, stronger, and to be obeyed simply because they were male. In those days, Women who were assertive were thought to be bitches, and were not to be emulated. However, because My father had no sons, My sister and I did have the advantage of doing a lot of "boy things" with him. As a result, we did have some understanding that we certainly could climb trees, pitch tents, fish, hunt, do carpentry, etc, and have a "yes I can!" attitude when it came to competing with males (all of them except for him, of course, *wink*). That training from My father was what sustained Me through two marriages to very dominant men, and after those ill fitting experiences as a "traditional submissive female", made it possible to assume My rightful place as a wise and capable Woman; ripe to learn to use My natural Dominance in a mature manner both firm and kind.
So far as training boys to be servile, I am much too balanced a person to think that is a good idea. My mother WAS naturally submissive, and My father WAS naturally dominant, and although it was not until after My father died that I realized how intelligent My mother was in masking some of her capabilities in deference to her husband, had they attempted to reverse their roles in the family it would have been a disaster! Therefore, having Myself spent time wrongly labled by society, simply training both sexes to see the truth in individuality is more to My liking.
Because of those beliefs, I seek those who know themselves and recognize the traits in others that will support or compliment them in a close relationship. I am not a perfect Domme. I seek the opinions of both submissives and other Dominants of either or both sexes while in a decision-making process. I then make My own decision; expecting My submissives to comply. |
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