I am putting this here because I can't put it on Facebook yet.  Two weeks ago , my nephew was killed in a violent car accident.  He was 28, the same age as my son.  I flew home for my sister and brother in law and the rest of the family.  He was laid to rest on a cold but sunny Thursday.  I didn't go to the family viewing with the open casket, I didn't want my last memory of Bub in a box, nor did I go to the graveside service, I couldn't bear to see him over the hole in the ground.  I got spoken to by my other sister and father for "holding up the receiving line at the funeral service" because it was the first time I had to actually hug my sister and cry with her.  I was pretty much just a guest, not family.  I have been treated as such before when I visited home, but thought this time might be a little different.  I sort of faded into the background, even when it was just our family at the house.  I watched my great niece, Bub's legacy to the family.  She is the most adorable little girl!  She will get them through this terrible time.  I made food for the people that would eat, and bothered the ones who wouldn't.

In my logical head side of me, I know that Bub is gone, moved on to where ever it is souls go when the vessel is no longer needed.  My heart, however, has yet to accept his passing.  I made my peace with him on the trip home and back, but I am not ready to accept the truth.  I haven't really cried for him, my tears have been for the survivors.  When I get teary over him, I suddenly remember time spent with him, and smile.  I am hoping that will change and I can mourn/grieve, but maybe that IS my way of grieving.  I have no one to really talk to about it, my sister and mother are still to raw to attempt the conversation with them.  I am not a religious person, so the platitudes and offerings from the Bible have very little comfort for me.

I do believe that we will once again see him when it is our time to move on.  Death is not the end of our journey, just another road traveled in it.  Bub had his fair share of demons, he didn't have it easy the past few years, but he was working so hard and turning himself around.  He is finally at peace.  I miss him.  I love him, and will always remember him as that carefree little boy who had the most charming smile and hug for everyone.

I keep looking, but I'm not sure why.  I can't seem to find the perfect mix of what I once had, respect, affection, firmness and at times downright sadistic tendencies in the one whole package.  There have been promising people, but they seem to fade away. 

So, I guess  I had my one shot at the perfect partner for me, but alas, even he couldn't be mine totally.  I swing by here occasionally to see what's happening on the boards, but even that's not fun anymore.

Well, one good thing to come out of this whole medical nightmare with my ankle......I lost 25 pounds between the bike and pushing my self around on the walker for 10 weeks.  I'm in my boot now, and back on the killerbike....I lost the weight, it ain't coming back!!!!!!

Got my staples removed today.  I had googled staple removal to find out about it.....wrong thing to do!  I worked myself up pretty good, all for naught.  Didn't feel anything, only heard the little "snick" when the staple came loose.  Not so much pain now, the whole foot itself is still numb, have no idea how long that'll be the case.  I have anoth 4 weeks in the splint, then 4 weeks in a walking cast......can't wait for that!  I could really use someone to give me some TLC, but I guess my cats will have to do......I'd be happy if they could just open their own cans of food!

Well, never let it be said I do hings half-assed.....I rell over on my bike yesterday and dislocated my ankle and broke the ends of the tibia and fibula.  Surgery scheduled for Monday.  This so totally sucks......I've never been hurt this badly before, and all Ic an think is "I want my mommy!"  I iwll never take my mobility for granted again!

{SIGH}  Yet another *poof* abd he's gone.  I don't even know why this time, things were flowing right along as far as our communications, emails and phone calls. 

I. give. up.

WOW!!!  OMG!!! i have had the best day EVER!!!!!  I was offered and accepted my dream job today!!!  I start in a couple of weeks, and so now my search for a car takes off.  If I can't find one,looks like I'll be moving again, but at least it's not far this time, only 30 miles or so.  They offered me the job at the interview, which was totally unexpected......when he made the offer, I was so surprised I sat there with my mouth hanging open for a few seconds.  Those of you that know me, mark your calendars....today I was actually SPEECHLESS!  Hopefully, no one was looking out the windows when I finally left, because I was in the parking lot whoo-hooing and doing a little dance of pure joy!

I.  Will. Never.  Learn.

(sigh)

chat doesn't work for me here...bummer!

Well, after getting moved and all, I'm back here......off to play on the boards.......later!

And just to put it out there because all of a sudden I'm getting cmails for it....I am not available just because you are coming to town.  I have no interest in meeting anyone I have no prior contact with.  In fact, I pretty much have lost all interest in meeting anyone right now.   I'm here hiding on the boards, and talking to buddies I have here on the site. 

Thanks.

I'm done......just done.

C'mon, guys.  STOP ASKING FOR A PIC!  It's not going to happen ok?  Really.....asking for one is NOT a good way to break the ice.

WOW......I must be really scary ugly.....sent a pic to someone who asked for it, and we had been on IM, and *poof*.  Not only that, he denied a contact request.  Didn't  even have the decency to at least say bye.  WTF????  Man up already and at least tell me no thanks. 

Hell, I give up.  I don't know why I even bother anymore.  Sheesh!

{sigh}  That's it.....no more pics until I get one that's somewhat flattering, which ain't gonna be easy, as I hate cameras!  I'm not Quasimodo, but I'm really getting tired of taking the chance and sending a crappy self portrait and then never speaking to the recipient again.  pfffft.....proof I'm female and real.......bah, humbug! 

I think maybe I'm just expecting too much.  I'm just not finding him.  meh.....I think it's just a touch of the blues again.  That and the insomnia.....all I do is lay there and think.  NOT a good thing! 

Off to try to get a nap before getting up to go to work......

FINALLY!!!!!  An honest guy!!!!!  I met him on Saturday, and we had a good time.  However, there wasn't any physical connection felt on his side, which is not a problem for me, but here's the rub!  He actually told me, something that's never happened before...usually, the men in the past have either just gone *poof* or just ignored any messages I send them. 

To the gentleman involved, thank you!  You have given me faith in manners again.  And there are no hard feelings at all.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

And I hope you find what you're looking for.

WOW!  I happened to be at the Landing last night and saw two of the coolest things...and of course, had no camera to catch either one.  It's located right by the river in downtown Jax. 

First, I kept catching the sight of something bobbing up in the water.....thought it was maybe a fish....turns out it was a pod of dolphins!  And there was a little one with it's mom in the pod!  They were hunting, and it was just too neat!  I didn't realize they'd be in the river, but since they breathe air, they can transition from salt to fresh water.  

Second, a boat came up the river and passed under the drawbridge.  I heard all the alarms and lights going off and kept waiting for the thing to open up....I didn't realize it until it was up, but the WHOLE bridge deck went up.....it uses a huge counterweight system.  It was way too cool!  It would have been such a great picture, too...the bridge was lit with blue lighting, and the backdrop was the sunset.......next time I go at that time of day, I take my camera!  The good one and the digital one. 

OK, so I'm easily amused, but it was still all fun to see.