8/19/2015 3:54:36 PM: Death to Chipotle! (Pretend like I'm holding a pitchfork) Dear Chipotle, I have long held the belief, that one should treat the people who handle and prepare their food, with the utmost respect and consideration. They work hard, and are rarely thanked for their effort. We are all familiar with the unbearably self-important question, 'How hard is your job?' I am embarrassed for the people who constantly complain, and belittle the work of food service workers. ^These are my true feelings. I just wanted to share my personal beliefs first, as I will be pointedly ignoring them for the rest of this post. Also, if you are offended by strong language, I recommend you avoid this as well. Though I have yet to complete it, I have a funny feeling that I may let my rage overwhelm my self control. Go here instead: http://princess.disney.com/ And now, the rant: Come on, Chipotle... I have been a loyal customer since 2001, and have championed your brand ever since. I defend you every time some THC-addled hippie crawls out of his Prius, ironically strokes his soul patch, and puts down his iPhone just long enough to tell me that Freebirds is the superior product. HA! Freebirds... Their burritos are so bland, they may as well have been seasoned by the tears of their SAMCRO-wannabe employees. http://sonsofanarchy.wikia.com/wiki/SAMCRO They INFUSE their tortillas. Do you know what an infused tortilla tastes like? It tastes like a damn (told you I'd curse) tortilla. It tastes like any other damn tortilla in the world. Occasionally, some dumb asshole, (who thinks holes in his ears big enough to put his thumb through might distract girls from his neck acne), will engage me in a surprisingly heated debate as to burrito brand superiority. Using my vastly superior wit, and conversational dexterity, I have tirelessly battled the armies of imbeciles who wanted to challenge your burrito superiority over the likes of Freebirds. However today, I have to admit something... Freebirds burritos, while they may taste like eyeballs, ACTUALLY MAINTAIN A BURRITO SHAPE THROUGHOUT THE CONSUMING PROCESS! Somehow, those hippie-Hell's-Angels-wannabes have figured out the long lost secret to burrito craftsmanship: The TORTILLA provides a barrier that prevents the contents from coming into contact with the outside world. MIND BLOWN, RIGHT? Let us focus on the word 'contents', ok? A 'content' is defined as something that is 'contained'. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/content Rice, beans, salsa, cheese...these are not themselves contents. Alone they are 'ingredients', but not 'contents'. To become a 'content', you need to introduce them to a 'container'. (Object used for or capable of holding: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/container) You see, once 'contained', your ingredients become contents, and a burrito is born! So what do we use for a container?? Allow me to introduce you to, the UN-INFUSED Tortilla! (yay!) Centuries ago, some dude must have been in a hurry, and thought to himself, 'I really want to eat my rice, beans, fajita veggies, chicken, hot salsa, just a little bit of sour cream (seriously just a little bit), cheese, lettuce, guacamole (which costed extra), and this un-infused tortilla...but it is just too hard to do on the move!' Suddenly, inspiration hit, and a new dish was born! The Burrito! (applause) Now what exactly makes the burrito a 'burrito'? I could take those exact same ingredients and create a taco, so why don't we just call this a taco? The answer, is in how you wrap the motherfucking tortilla. Here is the definition of a burrito on Wikipedia: A burrito is a type of Mexican food consisting of a wheat flour tortilla wrapped or folded into a cylindrical shape to COMPLETELY enclose the filling. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burrito (Caps were added by me) Ah, so what 'SCIENCE' is saying, is that the tortilla completely enclosing the contents is what allows us to define this concoction a 'burrito'. If not completely contained, one might reasonably deduce that said object is NOT a burrito. So if I order a burrito, and you give me a bag of gloop with some tortilla mixed in, I may feel as though my $7.40 was spent in vain. I may go a step further, even. I just might feel something snap inside of my head, and rush to the computer to type out a crazy ten paged serial-killer-like manifesto with my eyes squinted nearly shut so that I can see my monitor through the red mist clouding my vision. (Spoiler alert: I went to Chipotle today, and my Burrito wasn't prepared correctly) Surely, if I wanted to work the line at one of your estimable establishments, you would put me through some sort of a training program. A Burrito 101, per se. Lesson 1: Always wash your hands Lesson 2: Wear pants Lesson 3: The tortilla goes on the (godblessedmotherloving) OUTSIDE! Lesson 4: See lessons 2 & 3 (See me trying to watch my language??) Ahoy! Look what 4 seconds on the internet led me to: http://www.wikihow.com/Roll-a-Burrito Amazing. Instead of this beautiful concoction, what I purchased today was riddled with holes reminiscent of the marks left by the Spear of Longinus on our lord and briefly martyred holy savior Jesus Christ. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Lance (Note: I am not comparing the Christian messiah to a burrito) All I wanted, was a meal that I could eat with my hands. I wanted an easy and efficient vessel, capable of putting beans, cheese, and chicken inside of my belly, whilst leaving one hand free for other productive endeavors. However, what I received upon de-foiling my purchase was a quivering and glistening mass of hot salsa with bits of rice and other excrement protruding from the top, bottom, and middle of the train wreck of an entree that I spent $7.40 to enjoy. It looked like a bloated and maggot ridden narwhal corpse after a Sharknado. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sharknado Wes Craven couldn't have designed a more gory apparition. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wes_Craven 'Why don't you just get a bowl' one idiot co-worker once asked me, as I was complaining after a prior Chipotle travesty. (Probably Jeff...that prick) Because, I don't want a 'bowl'. I want a fricking burrito! Part of the awesomeness that is the IDEA of Chipotle, is that you get to choose your own ingredients. A fork is to a burrito, what a fork is to soup. Unnecessary! In exchange for my $7.40, I expected a meal, I did not expect GLOVES! They say that you are what you eat. Well today I got to wear what I ate. Today, I had to have something in common with Lady Gaga. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Gaga%27s_meat_dre… Now, I fully understand that you get busy, and you can't be expected to provide each and every customer with a burrito masterpiece...even Rocky couldn't have beaten Drago immediately after the fight with 'Clubber' Lang. http://rockybalboa.wikia.com/wiki/Rocky_%28film_ser… However surely you can, at the very least, give us a product that will allow us an edge in the battle vs. ingredients. All that I am asking you for is a motherloving fighting chance. To those of you who will ultimately tell me that I have too much time on my hands, I say this: You are incorrect, dear sir or madam! I have too much 'ingredients' on my hands! ...however also yes, this has been a catastrophic waste of time. I'm not too proud to admit that. Chipotle, I'm done. I now have no burrito home. Freebirds crafts the superior ingredients vessel, but it tastes like Styrofoam marinated in tap water. Qdoba? Even worse. I am boycotting you from this moment, until the day comes that I had a little bit too much to drink the night before. So probably Tuesday. (Shut up) Now, I'm going to wash my hands again, and drink scotch. Die, Chipotle, die. See you on Tuesday. :-( Sincerely, Chris

8/19/2015 3:21:31 PM: Even big scary sadist Doms hate spiders. (...and lose their Man-Cards) I was driving to work this morning on the freeway, when I noticed a tiny, tiny little baby spider hanging in my car. (Pinhead sized) Apparently, I had brushed my sleeve into a strand of it's web, attached the strand to me, and it was slowly descending to my arm with obviously murderous intentions. It may have been small, but of course Spider = Bad, so I looked around the car for a napkin or receipt or something to protect myself against the tiny speck of death that was inching it's way towards me. Finding nothing with which to slay the beast, I pulled over to the shoulder of the freeway, and yes...exited my vehicle. (Following Armed Forces Safety Protocol 1171-A: Emergency Vehicular Arachnid Evasion) Upon exiting my vehicle, I was unable to locate the crumb-sized assassin, so I (Standing on the shoulder of the freeway in morning rush hour) proceeded to brush every surface of my clothing, took off my jacket and waived it around, ran my fingers through my hair 2 or 3 times, and jumped up and down a little. I then performed a thorough inspection of my vehicle, to ensure that it didn't have any ground or air support waiting, before reentering and returning to the freeway. I finally get back on the road, and of course end up behind a vehicle with a bumper sticker that reads: THANK YOU VETERANS, FOR YOUR BRAVERY! ...yeah. :-/