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Sorry i don't get to my mail much but things have been busy for me latly but i will get to them as soon as i can |
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well just stopped in to say hi to everyone i have not been able to tak to still to busy to have a life at the moment. Hope this finds everyone well |
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well i haven't ben on much been so busy and i am still trying to find a car i have descovered it is easier to get a house than it is to get a car go figure . Other wise i have had a pretty boring exsistance here lately working and home i think i am about to go insane with it lol. I need a damn car i need to be able to go lol |
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i have been a busy little beaver lately. I havew been going to work during the day and going to school at night i am trying to get my shit together not that it ain't together it just needs to make more money i am going to buy my brother-in-laws car so i have that taken care of one thing done. Now is time for another vaction you know how i am about those priorities lol. My anuall camping trip is coming up but first i am going to see brett my one true love from the band Poision he was also on the rock of love the train wreck show on vh1 i loved it i can't wait top go see him. well i will answer my e-mails when i have a bit more time i tryed to get to them tonight but my comp is running slow and i have things i need to do ttyl |
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well i made it back from my cruise and i actually had a great time. It was nice and relaxing. But now back to the real world i have to try to find a car and stop using my brother-in-laws car he has me restricted to just around town which sucks and i have to stop shopping so damn much i don't know when i picked up this habit i have got but it is getting out of control. In my defense i don't buy much for my self but i do bu alot for others i guess i think it makes it ok to spend the money lol. I also need to go on a diet i am getting to fat. I am not out of control yet but if i don't do something now it could get out of hand. Well don't have much else to say right now ttyl |
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Well i made it back in one piece. I don't seem to have uneventful vactions it makes me wonder what is going to happen when i go on the cruise. The first night i the keys was a blast i went out with my dad and aunt and uncle. We were having a great time. My dad was buying all my drinks which was unusual and when i thanked hm he laughed and said don't worry i am putting it all on your aunts crdit card you should have seen the look on my aunts face when she got the bill lol. Then she insisted i ride the bull in the bar well i lasted maybe 3 seconds after a night of drinking rum and coke riding a bull is not the smartest thing to do. The next night was the night of my sister's wedding i spent the day with her helping her get ready my 12 year old son was in the wedding party and he spent the day with the guys getting ready it was in the butterfly conservitory which is another word for a hot house. It seems noone thought to feed or water my son the whole day and i never thought to tell them to i figured they would think of it themselves i guess i was wrong. T he wedding went off without hitch but when we were all getting or pictures taken one minute my son was standing next to me and the next he was on the gound convulsing. Or course i froze and started hollleering call 911 and trying ot get to him it was on a real cramped brige and we were all standing on it and my sister (the one that got married was screamming i don't even no what she was saying) and she was right in my face and i was trying to get to my son anss she wouldn't move so i ended up threating to throw her off the bridge if she didn't move. Needless to say she was not happy with me all that night not that i give a shit. Luckly my new brother-in --law's sister is a EMT and his mother is a RN so after we got my son to the hotle room and cooled off and feed i just stayed in that night and left out early in the morning I took him to his doctor and they did all kinds of test and he is fine thank god . Today i have to go to my sister's reception she is having here in town for those who couldn't make the wedding. We are talking but we have never been real close so i guess that is as good as it gets for us. I do love her i just don't like her to much but that is another story. |
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Well it has been crazy around here my sister is getting married and i have been busy with shower's and wedding plans .She is geting married in the Keey's and we are going to be spending the weekend there and i can't wait. I am going to have a good time. In april i am going on a cruise and i am real excited about that it will be my first one . Not much else is going on i will let you know how the wedding went when i get back . I do know i ma going out when i get there and that should be interesting i haven't drank in a long time lol. |
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Well as always life is full of turns and changes, and again i have made another one. I am no longer in the home i was in and have moved back home for a bit trying to get myself back together. I have finally found a job and am just working and trying to get back out on my own again. Things are going pretty good all things considered and i am slowly getting back on my feet. I guess i can't complain. I am not really looking for anyone right now i just don't seem to have energy to go through all that again. But as always friends are good to have anad i am always looking for new one's. On a good note me and a friend of mine are going on a cruise in april and i can't wait. It is a no kids just us girls cruise and should be a blast. |
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i don't get to much write to so thought i would write about being the new girl in the home you always look up to the other girls in the houe and sometimes that don't work everyone has there issues no matter what everyone has there baggage and to expect everything to a home to run soomth is crazy a poly house is only as strong as its master and some get luky and find a good strong master to make a home work |
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my thoughts on big loveu i don't think it is what poly is all about first of all you are not poly if you live in others houses and i think it is more of a relationship between the women than the man of the show i live in a poly home 24/7 and it is nothing like this show.i wish it was where everything is worked out among the women and no need for the master of the house to get involved then there would be no whiping in a true poly M/s home lol i also think the people that love it don,t live in a poly hoe either |
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well thank god my dog is going to be ok it seems he as bit by a rattler but they caught it in the knick of time a far as my life is going things have gotten better one of my so called sister's have left and gone on to a different home. it has put a rest to alot of drama in the home we are still building our home and are roughing it a bit but i think it will all come together soon . I do know one thing that if anything were to happen and i could no longer be in this home i would only choose a poly home it is where i am ment to be |
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i am not having a good night tonight at all if i were at master's feet tonight like i should be i might be doing better but because kat is there i am letting my mind go to dark places.My dog is sick and i am worried about him he actually saved my life onceso you can understand how i feel. I know that it is just a dog to some but to me he means alot including memories some good some bad and i guess those are what is getting to me the most.And then there is the fact that i am not sure of my place when i get displaced. it must be my ocd i don.t like things to out of place ie me
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I have started to work outside the home an i miss my house hold duties i really hate it not only do i hate i have put myself into a no win situtation i work for a family place and you know how thoses things workout no matter what i do it is not good enough but i promise master 30 day's i just want to cry just thinking about going back. Well i cn only do the best i can and keep going counting the day's |
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i haven't writen in awhile due to the move i have started working again and i hate it but we will see what is going to happen. things are going pretty good right for the most part still have some things to work out but iam happy and hope that things keep it going |
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well another road traveled isn't amazing what we learn about others and our selves each time we make a change in life. the question is do we learn from them of not. I like to . But you never know i would think we do. i should hope in time we all learn to get along and things work out as they should time will tell but no matter what you wish it takes more than one person to make things work. And if one of you do not want it to all the talking will not fix that. |
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well things are going as well as they can with the move coming up been doing alot of behaving it is getting boring.Not that i like to be bad or have Master mad at me, i just feel like a vanilla person right now not Master's fault he has been so busy he is pretty much building our home by himself. I guess i just miss alot of what we used to do and not just me but all of us well not my one sister i don't like the fact she lies to Master but that is his business. So i am not going to be able to write in my journal for awhile maybe a week or 2 we'll see |
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What words of wisdom can i try to portray in the poly world well none actually it just get's harder everyday and i feel like i am drifting from the family. I mean how many slaves can 1 man have and keep them all happy and feeling like they are real slaves . I am not saying i don't enjoy being part of a family but i really have never had one so i am not sure how to do this.. I really don't know what i am trying to say tonight maybe i am to tired and i have lost my solid ground and i keep driifting away, there is nothing i can do about it i will either find my place or not i guess. Life is been different for me than most and i am not used to having a family. Master say's my sister's are afraid of me and i can't seem to get over it i was raised on the streets with no family and yes i do have a ruff side i thought Master had it under controll but with statment's like that i begin to wonder. He also don't like me to write in here for everyone to see but no life is peaches and cream so i thought i would give my persective of what a new slave goes through any thoughts to add would be great |
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I am not sure how i am going to say what i want to say tonight. I wrote in one of my journals about our expectations on when you join as family' well it does take time and commitment to it and it is not easy by no means. To be honest Knight of Mist{hope you don't mind me using you as a example sir} seems to be the closest next to us.With all these different personality's and different PMS well let's just say we don't make things easy on Master. And i am a bit of a trouble maker not on purpose mind you. Master is bringing out alot of things in me that i have kept inside for alot of years. It has not been easy on him nor on the family but he won't give up on me. And either will anyone else in the family. I just found out the other day that 2 of my slave sister's were afraid of me. I couldn't believe it.My first thought was well now i have to get out of here. ANd that i may as well give up now. It has not changed much not really but i love it here so much i don't want to leave. So instead of leaving i have decided to try to make it up to them. Well it has only worked on the one the other won't even talk to me. Now she has had a rough life and according to Master that is why and i guess i don't get that and no matter how hard i try i know she has not been through a quarter of what i have. I also think that at times she get's excuses for her behaviour but then the smart part of me knows Master lets things slide with me because of what i have gone through. Now her and my other sister work at the same place and i am getting the feeling that iam being left out it is not true with one but i do believe it is true of the other Master told me not to go there but there i am but for Maser and the sake of my family i will do the best i can even thought she avoids being in the same room as me i will only belive in the best and work on serving my Master. I even had a nightmare last night and instead of hiding i went to my Master's feet realized i was home and safe and went back to sleep that is a big step for me and to day instead of running my mouth i yelled and said what i needed to into pillow and didn't get into trouble not bad for me i have gone almost 12 hours with out getting my jaw jacked lol well i have to go for the night stay safe everyone and enjoy
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ok let's talk about orgasam control. Personally i see no merit in it. What the hell is the point to it all. Like i was telling Master the other day what if you are in a accident of something? What is going to happen to me, Master is a sadist and just got the biggest laugh out of that one and then he gave me the patent answer which is "it is not going to hurt me a bit" and then he laughed some more. I wonder if people take that into consideration when they start that crap and yes i am calling it crap. Here is this poor slave with Master over sea's or on a business trip or something and he gets delayed and there is no way you can pleasure yourself and if you have a Master like mine even when he calls he only laughs when you ask for that much needed release |
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Well it has been a crazy couple of day's here lately. We are in the process of moving and i have been having a hard time lately with my serving of the house personally i think i suck at it. I am to opionated and have no problem voicing them. And then their is the issue of my temper. I have absolutly no controll over it. When i lose my temper i don't even no what i am saying and how i know this is because my sister's are forever on end saying i can't believe you said that and i am like what are you talking about and then they tell me what i have said and i am like oh shit i said that. I guess i have to give Master credit on how he handels it. He try's to talk to me most of the time but sometimes he has to take different measures. But i think i am not worth the trouble Master seems to think i am though and he is the boss. Well i will keep in touch as much as i can with the move and all. |
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Well one of my sister's is on vacation this week and the new has her's next week. Which pretty much means that i am supposed to have extra help this week with chores, but i have been sick this week and not up to doing my chores i burned dinner the other night and to make matter's worse like 2 hours later Master came to the bedroom with this dark brown ball and asked me if i had forgotten something and at first i didn't know what it was and then i was like "oh shit" i had forgotten the buns in the oven. Master said i was no longer aloud to cook when i was sick lol can't say as if i blame him lol. |
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Well it has been a pretty slow week as far any trouble i have the knack of causing, it's not that i want to cause trouble i just have this bad habit of letting my mouth over load my ass. I am sure you couldn't tell that about me from my journals. The thing about Master is that he like keeps this running list of crap i do and then one day i get it all, he one time waited almost 3 weeks to punish me for something. Now i admit i don't think that is fair after all i would just like to take my whipping and get it over with,but i also have to admit when he teaches me a lesson i don't forget it to quick either. It boils down to the fact that he does know what he is doing in some things and in other's i think he is not fair but i wouldn't trade my life for anyone elses in the world |
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Today i am going to explain why i am writing so much of my personal stuff on a public forum. Let me say first that what i write in here is nothing that master don't already know and has delt with. The reason i am doing this is because even thought we would all like to think that we are going to be the best slave there is when we are accepted by a master and a home and we all go into this with our own expectations and thoughts on how it is going to be. In truth that is not what happens none of us our perfect and we all have our demons to deal with, even though we all like to think we are over our vanilla tendancy's we are not. Being in a poly house makes all thoses thoughts and feelings even more pronunced all the insecurities everything come's through in all different behaviours. And if you are lucky like i was you have come to a place where all that is delt with. We all like to think that our Master's are super hero's but they are just men in the end though there are some that are better than other's (like the Master i have found). There are few out there that can deal with all the crap a poly situation has. You hear the phrase all the time "true master" I looked for that when i first joined collarme and i didn't realize what that was till i came home. A true Master in my mind is not someone who can Master others but can Master himself and in the process still be in charge of everything else around him. It is not the Master with the most whips and chains (though as masocist that would be sweet) it is the one who can Master you with out the toy's. And that starts with trust and communication. If you don't completly trust your master you will never find that place you long to be or will be able to be the best slave that you think you are. I guess what i am trying to get across to any one reading this is that nothing is going to be the way you want it to be and in this lifestyle you have made the choice to not have that choice it was a conscience decision that i made to be in a 24/7 M/s home and though i thought i was going to be alot better than i have been i do know that i will still grow and learn i am sure i will still have my insecurites from time to time but if i keep in mind that it is my Master that i am here for and not myself i will finally be in the place i have looked for all my life and be the person i have lost somewhere along the way in the crazy ride of life. I hope my journals will help someone else along the way in their journey to completion |
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Ok last night i was supposed to learn a lesson from Master. the question is did i learn it. in some ways yes i did but in other's i didn't. what i did was question master on his treatment of the other's in comparison to me. What happened was this the new girl gets her feet bound every night and the other night he tyed up the other girls and not me. Now Master has said that if we need something like bondage or a whipping we are to ask. Back a month ago i was going throught a hard time and i keep asking for a whipping Master could never do it because of well alot of reason's. I came one morning and he was whipping my sister i was reall upset and i don't think i have really gotten over that. During christmas break we sent the kids away on vacation it was supposed to be a oppurtunity to get some play time in well my sister was gone to see here daughter and the whole time she was gone no play at all went on the day she got back the whipps came out. The new girl gets here and her first night he wants to initiate her i never got a intiation because of what ever reason he could come up with of course i was upset about it and got my face smacked for it and then he did both of us together which i still think was wrong no matter what he say's that is something special and no slave should have to share that in my mind. Fast forward to now new girl gets what she wants she gets treated like a slave and he still watches my other sister like a hawk and she got bound again last night . i guess what i am trying to get to is the fact that well no wonder i don't feel like i belong here and am constintly insecure, honestly how could i not with that going on around me. i guess i can't figure out why i don't matter. what i am doing so wrong that i am not worth the time. Will i question him again hopefully not with my mouth you can never be sure i don't have any control over it at times but i will go to a i don't care place that is not easy for me to get out of and won't help in serving him or the house and i will probally get kicked out in the end for it. Do i want that to happen no i don't but i really don't know how else to deal with these feelings. The biggest lesson i learned last night was trust i have never and probally will never trust anyone the way i trust Master. I don't think i need my protection mode so much hopefully i won't be pulling it out because of habit but i am sure with a word he can stop it. I think in time i will forget i ever needed it |
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well another new year has begun. Master has moved another slave into the house that makes 5 of us now i am begining to think he is a little crazy lol. I like her though i think it was a bit to soon when me and my other sister was just getting to the point of getting along but who am i to guess what he does.Though i am sure you can tell by my journals that i am not one to hide my feelings much. I am feeling better about things than i have been but then it took meds to get me that way lol. I don't feel to bad about things anymore i still have my insecurities like master's bath i don't want to share those because i like to try to tell him things that i can't say in front of people thought half the time i chicken out anyway but some day i am really say what is on my mind when it is in my mind instead of letting it go for a couple of day's well i can only hope anyway. and i am still scared of well alot of things and i could probally sit here all night and list them but master knows my biggest fear and probally most of my other one's to thought there is still alot to go throught before he knows it all and i still think once he does know it all he will get rid of me but only time will tell on that one well i am done for the night lol hope all is well in your world |
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well i have made it to the 3 month almost 4 month mark.and i must say that things are going better than i had expected them to go.i guess that the only true problems i am having are my own insecruities. and instead of talking to master about it i have talked to my sister about it only to find she has the same insecurties that i do so i went to the sister that i feel insecure about and we had a wonderful talk and i relized it was not her doing it but well honestly master was the one making me feel that way. I guess i am used to more controll in my life and there is not reason to micro manage me because i am a domestic and master pretty much nows where i am all the time so i then had to figure out what was making me feel that way which let me tell you wasn't a easy thing to do . I guess it boiled down to how he treats the others in comparison to me like he has to know where they are and tells them when to go to bed and little things like that where i go to bed when i want and get up when i want go to the store and don't have to have someone with me where the others do and other little thiings like that they are called over to him whenever they enter the room where i come and go as i please and had me feeling apart from him, not the other girls because they noticed it to where one would get into trouble for something i wouldn't if i did the same thing the next day and that caused one of my sister's and me some friction but we have worked it out and now we are real close and we are actually enjoying each other's company she is on vaction right now and i am missing her very much i felt like i haven't had anyone to talk to i am glad she will be home tommorrow i have alot to tell her . I know master ownes me and today he again proved that fact but i also still feel like that is only a part of me and i want him to own the hole me but i do trust that he knows what he is doing so i guess i need to stop reading into things that aren't there of something i haven't figured it out yet lol but i will eventually the one thing i am sure of is the love i feel for everyone here that is real and strong but then i worrie that i will blow it here because of my insecruities how long are they going to put up with it and all . on the pluse side master has taken another slave underconsideration she seems pretty cool and i do like her i am sure we will get along just fine and the others like her to but i do worry that i will be forgotten i know it sounds stupid but that is how i feel i never said i was going to make sence in my journals only that i was going to write what i thought. after all they are my journals lol and then there is the fact that i think the new girl will be looking to me for guidence and i am the wrong one lol she will be in more trouble than she can imagine because you really don't want to do the things i do lol just because i don't get into trouble alot don't mean that it is the same way for her but i guess she will learn lol |
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well i have made it to the 2 month mark and things are ok in my last post i said i only had 2 sister's in the house i have 3 but i was mad at one and chose to ignore the fact that she was here it was wrong of me and she didn't deserve that she really is a sweetheart and i do love her she does help me sometimes and she is supportive of me. as far as things are going here sometimes it is great and sometimes my own demons want to make me run like hell. and i still don't feel to secure here but again that has to do with me and not anything anyone here is doing time will help with that i am sure and i still feel like i have made a good decsion |
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well it has been awhile since i have written here but i have been busy getting used to my new life. there have been some rough times but not once have i regreted my decision to be here i love my master and i love my mistress very much i have 2 wonderful sister slaves that are the best and very supportive |
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due to the fact that i am now owned and have been taken under consideration by the most loving and understanding household. I will no longer be posting in here. My thoughts are my master's and untill he see's fit to let me write in here they belong only to him. But before i do i have to say that i never thought i would find a family like i have found and such a wonderful astute master. and i will do my best to serve him and honor him and his family |
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ok i am really going home today i have to i have some work issues i need to deal with i really just want to quit and stay here and i know the famiy won't mind but me being stupid and not making sure i have things tken care of is not going to be of any help to anyone so i have been telling myself to be strong and do what needs to be done i have been practicing my i can handel anything face for master i hope he buy's it but he pretty good at reading people and i don't want to cause him any more worries than he already has. i have had some hard things to deal with in my life but i have this feeling leaving is going to be one of the hardest things i hvae had to deal with in a long time. i am sick to my stomach just thinkig about it . i have to do this for him and everyone else. he has been pretty easy on me this visit and i seem to have gotten away with things that he won't let kat get away with but i don't think she is as strong as me so maybe that is why he needs to keep a more of a eye on her she looks so wore out i wish i could help her but master is doing a good job of it so i will mind my business. he watches her like a hawk and at times didn.t even seem to notice me i will admit it kind of hurt but i guess in the end it will be ok i am used to being on my own so it won't matter if i get forgot about and it does give me more freedom than anyone else seems to have. I kow what my purposeis in his home and it don't have anything to do with love or anything like that he has his slaves he loves and i am at the bottom of the totem pole so to speak. It is all about adjusting i guess and then it is in my favor that he has to deal with his girls as much as he does because it does give me some more leway to do things with my son and the other kids in the house and i am really only good at kids and serving so i am sure he knows what he is doing. Well i am going to take a walk and basically shut my self off so i don't feel anything when i leave. |
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well i guess my weekend is going good seeing how i am still here lol and i do't want to leave lol. I have never had a better time or felt more at home than i do here it is going to be so hard to go home i am probally leave tommorrow just thinking about i want to cry. I can't even describe what i am feeling right now i was worried about how master was going to well i guess deal with all of us and i was really surprised. And i think he reads minds lol i mean iwas having a issue and didn't say anything and he read me like a book and when one of us has a issue we all have to discuss it which for me was not easy i have been alone for a long time and am not a very open or secure person and to be honest i really like his wife and his first girl. his third girl is sweet but i am a bit afraid i am going to butt heads with her a bit i am hopeing not and am going to work real hard at holding my tounge real hard. Master is in the process of getting a bigger place so for the time being i have to go home for a couple of months and then i am moving here for good well actually master said i don't have to leave and i can just stay here but i do have things i need to take care of before i can come here for good . Now just a few thoughts i have never been with a sadist before and just let me say fucking ouch and where the hell do they come up with this shit lol ok master just got in i have to go let you all now more later |
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well the time is drawing near i leave friday to go see master and meet his other slave. as i sadi i already meet his first girl i have not gotten much sleep with the excitment of it all. I am feeling really good about the weekend and i know we will have a good time. we discussed what was going to happen and master thinks a social setting would best for this weekend other wise no play this time can that suck anymore than it does lol. And he also wants my darkest fantasy i told him i doubt i could face him just yet if i were to tell him some of the things i come up with in my head lol but i am going to give it a shot. i am going to start mild though to be honest. i mean i know he won't think less of me but still it is hard to give that piece of you up. well i better get to it and i will keep you informed not that anyone cares but what the hell it is my privet journal here i don't think master even reads it to be honest well that is all for now |
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well i am going to see sir next weekend. I can't wait i am so excited about it. It is going to be wonderful to beable to spend time with the whole family.I have only met sir's first girl so far but have spoken to his 3rd girl whom i seem to have somethings in common with. So all in all i am looking forward to the weekend. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me and hope i have found a place. I will let you know how the weekend went |
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Just to give a update. I have met master's first girl and she is a absolute sweet heart,honestly i was relieved. Master is a goren so i am going be his fourth or fifth lol i am not sure. I have talked to one of his other girls and we seem to have alot in common our long term goal is for me to move in with him. Me and sir have been talking for a long time he said about a year but it didn't seem that long to me. so the frist time i met him i was comfortable with him. It is hard to find a master that also has his feet in the real world. I hope that soon i can go to his home and meet everyone else when i do i will let you know how it went |
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i have not written in here much this month because i have found a potential master. Yeah me lol, i am not going to get my hopes up this time like i did last time . I am the type of person that if you put me in a room with a 1000 men i will find the lyer phsyco everytime lol. But i feel really good about sir he is very straight forward so far honest . He has not givin me all these rules to follow right away. So far things are being kept simple. which is fine with me i have spent my life running into brick walls head first with out looking to see if there is a way around them . Now i am not sure what the journal bussinessis all about well i know why they want them the and all the getting to know you and all that but i still don't like them well i will try to keep this updated. Can't wait to see where this new path takes me |
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Well i am back. I made it out alive lol. This time i only had 2 disastes to deal with so alll in all it was the perfect vaction. I can't wait to go again lol. The first disaster was a fire in the screen cover i have i had left the radio on and it must have shorted out by the time i got back for the lake the rangers were there putting it out they caught it just before it got out of hand. I was able to save the top and the frame and i turned it in to a gazebo lmao.Nothing else was damaged. That same night a huge storm came through and i didn't have my tent set right. In my defense about the tent it is huge and takes two people to set up and i am by myself. The water from the storm got under the and the floor of the tent got soaked. I had everything pulled up and in the car when i seen the strom coming so a couple of fans and some well placed tarp fixed that in a jiffy. The rest of the time was wonderful though i did get a little lonely. It turned out to be a great time i am thing of going for thanksgiving week. |
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it is 1:00 on a friday morning and i can't sleep. My head won't shut down . I am all jittery.so i thought i would write a bit tonight . I am getting ready to go on a camping trip i can't wait I love camping and i don't care what anyone say's it is not cheating if you bring the tv X-Box and fan after all i still use a tent so that is roughing it . And i need the blow up mattress for my back lol. Don't forget the DVD's lol. I picked out some good scary movie's we got lucky and got sites close together.Me and some friends go for a week each year well i guess i am goign to try to sleep now see everyone in a week if you can't be good be good it |
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I think i got everything running normal now. On the message boards they have a topic about the movie The Pet which looks hot to me lol Well the gist of it was does it harm the way that people think about BDSM in socitiy. Personally i don't think people will ever accept it. Not that i care i have no problem letting people who or what i am it is not something i tell them but if we have kbowen each other for a long time and they ask i am honest about it . As far as movies go in the end it just one persons opinion and anothers perception of that opinion. It really has no pwer over anyones actions. This to me goes along with on-line domination. I sometimes wonder what kind of a person sits at thier computer in their own self importance and thinks they can controll someone. When i think about it this is what goes through my head. (the on-line dom at computer) I am very dissapointed in you slave. I am going to have to punsih you. ( salve at their computer) no master please don't i will be good. (D) that is it i am pressing this button and you are going to be sorry (s) no master please not the button. You get the picture Now don't get me wrong i know that not everyone is like that but lets face the numbers are greater than that of those . I will have to finish this later i need to run back to work for a mintue. |
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Ok a computer expert i am not by any means and this latest nightmare just proves it. I have said that every since i got comcast i have been having problems with it so the last 2 weeks my internet explore has been kicking me off line. I called everyone to help fix it but once your warrenty wears out you have to pay a arm and a leg to fix it. The only way you get free support is by going on-line ,so simply put if you can't go on-line you are screwed. Via a friends computer(who by the way knows less about computers than i do) i finally got through to gateway well after asking a series of stupid questions(ie is it plugged in and so forth) which had yes answers they asked if it had been struck by lighting to which i answered no to. Then in the nicest way they told me how glad they were to be able to help me and then logged off. I couldn't believe it i almost peed myself laughing at the stupidity of it all. I then had my sister reboot my computer and got it back up to running. Started to load up my yahoo and got that nice little ymanner or what ever it is called talk about wanting to throw something out the window lol. So if i have given anyone my e-mail address don't use it lol. I am waiting for my sister to come fix this latest problem . |
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The wedding was wonderful ,my sister looked beautiful. I had a blast myself didn't get home till late and then the next day i went to beach and fell asleep and fried my backside lol. My internet has been messing up though. Iwas on the phone with the cable company again and for a hefty fee they will come out and fix go figure lol. Well not much else going on just relaxing this week and weekend lol. |
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It has been awhile since i wrote in my journal so it might be a long one lol. My sister is getting married on the 27 and i am so happy for her she deserves it. Work is going good been very busy which is a good thing because it is keeping me out of trouble. But i feel the boiling and with no release in the near (or far for that matter) future in site i imagine i am going to get drunk and stupid at her reception lol. I don't go out very often and am not into the club scene very much so when i do go it don't bother me if i can never go back lol I tell my friends that i am not the responsible party. Plus i still can't manage money so my dad is going to put all my drinks on my credit card so i won't have a limit lol. My sister is having me wear a formal gown to her wedding(yuck). See i thought i was being smart by teling her to have a long time friend and my other sister in her weding party instead of me, they all have to wear tiara's(double yuck) I figured i would be able to get away with comfortable casual lol. I should have known better. But i am buying one for the reception and flip flops. After all i am going to be dancing alot lol. well got to get going |
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thanks to all who sent condolences. Moving on things are pretty much back to normal which is crazy in my world lol. I have been asked about what i am looking for and i guess like everyone else i am looking for someone i can be myself with. I am a restaurant manager. A single mom of a 11 year old boy. His father is not apart of our lives and hasn't been for years. That is another story though. He is a A,B student and a purple belt in taekwondo. A good child if i do say so myself lol. I have come to a place in my life where i can be who i want to be and live as i am meant to. I love to serve and please. There is no greater pleasure to me and then you have the structure of serving, not having to make choices and knowing exactly what is expected of me, no questions. And then there is pushing limits to have that trust in someone and then have them take you places you have never been before. The feeling of being truly controlled. And then there is the bond you have with a Master. Some one you can confide tell all the things that you have never told anyone else. Well that is it for now the rest is saved for..... |
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it has been a bad for me there was a fire in the family and i am not sure my cousin will ever get over it she lost her baby in it. Things like that really can make you think about life and the direction it is heading. I am wasting time with people that are not true. I have come to a place in my life where i know what i want out of life and the people that i want in it. I have talking to this guy for about 8 months and after all this time he still don't me. We have no real communication. And i have to much to offer a master to waste my time. The few people i have met on this site have been jerks. If i don't bring them home with me the first time we meet then they never call me again. Well that will never happen i am not just turning myself over to anyone. I am a slave not stupid I have always been upfront and honest and will settle for nothing less in a master. |
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I switched from netscape to comcast form my internet server and i can't figure it out for some reason it does not like my yahoo and it keeps kicking me off of it so i am going to have to get a different messager to try to figure it out. Computers to me are like trying to set your VCR clock, just one of those mystiers that you will never figure out lol . I still can't figure out my bank account . And i am getting a raise at work but i asked them to wait for a bit just what i need is more money i can't figure out how to manage. The rollerskating is going slow not as good as i was hoping to be by now.I have missed my last couple of classes in cardio but i have been putting in so much extra time at work i have been missing them so i am thinking of getting a video and doing it at home. |
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been working myself silly trying to get rid of this pent up energy. I hate feeling like this ,kind of like fast forward . You just keep going and spinning and you don't think you will ever stop. |
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well i am over my temper tantrum for now lol. Just wanted to say sorry for getting a bit out of contoll there i just needed to get that out i feel better now. And i spent the weekend at the beach and that hepls lol |
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everyone keeps asking me what a mind fuck is, basically it is a pissed off way of say quite messing with my head, say what you mean and mean what you say |
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This is mostley going to be a vent today. I have had a real crappy week. I have been working to much and am over tired and have litterly run out of patence, with everyone. I am not a mind reader. I wake up in the morning and know exactly what i am going to do for the day. I don't know what anyone wants from me unless they tell me. I hate a last minute change of plans also. I am tired of trying to guess what i have done wrong . And i am tired of having noone to talk to. Oh and let me add thier is a big differance between mind controll and mind fucking. |
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I haven't been online for a bit i am refiguring my finances and am trying to save money. And i am going to learn how to manage my own money. It is not that i can't do it it is just that i am losey with numbers no matter how hard i try i just can't get into doing it and always pass it on to someone else. I am still doing my cardio classes and am only stopping when we are told to get drinks now. I still have to slow down but i am geting better and it don't hurt no more lol. |
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well today i am tired and emotionally wore out. I read a post on the message boards today about how important communication is in a BDSM relationship. It made alot of since. I really enjoy reading them and learn alot in them. |
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well i have had a day today. I am still fuming about it. I bought a 92 Eagle Summit. i got it from a nice person who own's a car lot and he was pretty honest about it and i like it. But it needed a front end alignment and the over drive don't work but i never leave town so what do i care , hell to be honest i don't even know what you would use it for. So i took it to the tuffy in town next to my work to have the front end done they kept it about 3 hours and told me that to fix it it would be aorund 1500$ and it wasn't worth fixing because you can't get parts for it anyway. Well i know nothing about cars. So i called my dad he had some friends look at it for me people he trusts . To make a long story short tuffy lied to me. I guess if a tie rod is broke the wheel won't turn whatever back to the lie.I called the lot i got it from and they said they would fix it for me and told about other women that bring thier cars to them from tuffy they showed me reciepts from other women that have been given outraguse quotes also , alot them elderly . Well you can be sure that i am not taking this sitting down. I called a friend at the paper and they are going after them . It really sucks not haveing anyone to talk to when things get to be to much. I am so wound up right now and i have no way to calm down. Well i am going to cook a bunch of food no one will eat and clean maybe it will burn so of this off , even thoght the 12 hours at work didn't lol. |
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well i am still doing my cardio classes and it gets better every day. The roller skating is not going so well though i just can't get the hang of it again. I think it is the fear of falling ,which to me is just ironic. I have been on a few meetiings since i last posted and i must say what the hell are some of you thinking. For me to be able to let myself go to a master i have to have trust in that person. That starts to grow as we talk and then it can go either way when we meet. But when you send me a pic and it turns out that it was taken 3 to 20 years ago you lose what trust you have gained and it is hard for me to bulid on something that has already fallen. I am not that pretty or little so i can only say that to me this is not about looks it is something deep inside of me. Something that i am willing to share with someone and learn about and grow as a person. Well it is just some thoughts no matter what i say here everyone will do as they please no one seems to read these profiles. Oh and if you don't have a profile i will not respond to anyone that does not have one. |
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I have to give props to my ass i have been putting it through the ringer here lately between classes and skateing. Hang in there baby it will get better |
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I had to go out and buy one of those electric full body massagers. I got home from work yesterday and knew if i didn't do something i would not be able to make it to my third kickboxing class ( yes only my third, i had found all those muscles everyone talks about you know Abs,Thighs,Shoulder). But i did do better this time i was still the first one to stop for a minute but i only had to stop 3 times. |
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well today i tried to rollar skate not roller blade but good old fashion roller skating. Back in the day so to speak i used to go to those all night skates and was pretty good at i figured how hard can it be i already know how to do it. It seems that my ass has forgotten how to do it because it refused to stay off the ground. I will let my body heal a bit and try again. Wish me luck |
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I wonder if anyone thought of cardio kickboxing as form of tourture? I think it would be the perfect form of punishment. I didn't even now some of these muscles exsisted. But i am not a giver upper lol. Though i did shame myself by being the first one in class to have to stop at the first class lol. It was like i opened a gate lol about 6 other people followed me off. |
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Been a crazy month at work ,glad it is over . I did join a cardio kickboxing class though trying to take off a few pounds. Well ok more than a few lol.You would think as much running around i do i would be the size of a twig by now lol. I have discovered i am to insecure to handle the long distance thing though. I also didn't relize i needed to work on my insecurities either lol. This lifestyle really is a learning expierance. Wish me luck in the self improvment stage . |
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Well the new year has begun. I always wonder where i am going to be at the end of the year and what i am going to be doing. Almost like i have big plans for the year lol. At least one thing you can count on is growing and learning,with each new person you meet. Cheer's to a year of making friends . |
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well it is almost christmas and i still have to do more shopping. I really hate to go to the stores. Almost as much as i hate driving. You have to try to figure out what everyone wants and you never get the right things. I was thinking of just giving everyone a gift card this year i wonder if that is considered cheating lol. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful christmas weekend and a even better new year |
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Well i made it through the thankgiving holiday intact lol. Once i get through christmas it is all up hill from there. I just hate the shopping. Things are going ok and i am making alot of friends. I love being a slave. I think my favorite part is the structure. Life is full of so many surprises and curves . Quote for the day " I would rather be hated for who i am then loved for who i'm not" Van Zant |
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First i want to thank everyone for being nice to me. About the name it was all i could think of I hate filling those things out and tend to go to quick without thinking of what i'm writing i am more than a name. I hope you take the time to find out more about me. You might be in for a plesant surprise. |
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