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| I'm not well. I struggle to tell where my kinks end and mental health issues start. It's never enough unless I feel genuine helplessness and regret at putting myself in such an awful position.
I'm not looking for anything in particular, though I'm not necessarily closed to the idea of anything either.
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I don't want to get what I want. I want to get what I deserve. Even though I fear it and know I will hate it. |
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I don't particularly like the term 'consensual nonconsent'. I find it a bit confusing, even more so since some use it as a synonym for rape play. I prefer 'irrevocable consent': consent given with the understanding that it may not be withdrawn at a later point. Consent which confers the authority to use whatever means necessary to ensure compliance.
It's my preferred form of consent. I don't feel satisfied unless my boundaries have been violated. I don't stop pushing and trying to provoke until I feel regretful about putting myself in a vulnerable position. It's not healthy. I hate myself for it. I feel constantly conflicted, but somewhat resigned to living with this need. |
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