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gjung
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Nick51
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Hello, I'm back after a much needed break. But I find myself drawn back to the websites and having to re-write profiles.
I dont know what I'm looking for right now, I'm trying to get some normality back into my life, when things settle perhaps I'll have a go at finding Mr Right again.
For information I'm a 39 year old, quite experienced and very open minded, bisexual, submissive. Intelligent, with interests such as theatre, reading, eating out, cooking, art, music - all the cliches!! And an interest in VWs that is growing.
Ultimately I'd like a life partner I think, someone who ticks the boxes in both a vanilla and kinky sense but I'm not looking too hard, you never find what you want when you try too hard, you stop being yourself.
Say hi if you fancy a chat. (Edited to clarify for the sarcastic among you - not literally just hi, but feel free to memo, preferably something interesting, if you would like to correspond :) )
Or say hi if you see me out and about on the north west scene. X
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Fantastic afternoon/evening at the Kage on Sunday. I've played at events on and off during this last year of singledom but I haven't had that dynamic, that connection with someone and really got into the scene.
On Sunday I got it, playing with my ex we slipped into something, a dynamic we haven't had during play for a long time, it didnt feel like play, certainly not when I came off the cross collapsing in a blubbering heap. It was a delicious session.
Now I need to find that special someone that always make me feel that way.
cx
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Just sending a message to someone and it clicked - a way to summarise what it is I want...
not just someone to tie me up etc, but I'd like someone who I can come home from work to, who would tie me up, cuddle up with me on our sofa, plan our vanilla future with me before having me serve him and use me.
I want that balance, that security. I want that edge, that trust, that stimulation. I don't want to know whats coming next and yet I do want to know what's down the line for us. I want passion and compassion, rough and smooth, tears and laughter, fun and fear....
I want it all I guess and I fear having none.
cx
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Happy New Year all and happy new year to me. This year will be my year. I've written off 2009, glad to leave it behind and am determined to achieve my goals in 2010.
I hope to find the right permanent job and I'd love to find romance, of course balanced with the kink I need.
I'd love to find someone with whom I can continue my personal bdsm journey but I also want someone to share those vanilla interests and to build a life with. Maybe I'm asking the impossible but as its still January I'm being hopeful that this is something I can achieve.
cx
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Its about time I updated my journal to let you all know where I'm up to. I'm pretty much recovered now from my illness - thanks to all of you who sent lovely get well messages. I went back to work a couple of weeks ago - wonderful to be back to some kind of normality and a wage of course :)
Still single, thinking about looking, but not just for fun, I'm at that age where I really need to think about a long term relationship and settling down again - third time lucky? I've managed to keep my hand in with the bdsm, going to a couple of private parties and having a little play but I think I need quite a bit of nurturing and encouragement to get me back to the heights I hit pre-illness - I dont seem to be the obedient sub I once was - guess I need to find the right person to bring that out in me.
cx
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Just a quick update for those that have been asking - thank you all for your concern and best wishes - I finally made it out of hospital yesterday, now the journey really begins as it's only now that I can rebuild in terms of strength, stamina etc.
I doubt I can even remember how to drive, sign my name or make a a cup of tea after spending most of the last five months in hospital :)
I've had a few weekend visits home where I've been able to keep my hand in with bdsm, thank goodness, but I'm wondering how this may all have changed my outlook, interests, tolerance... we'll see in time I guess.
I'm not good at not working though. I hate not having any money, not having that mental stimulation, having had to put my life on hold. The psychological challenge of having to accept this will take time is the hardest part of all; and I hold masses of anger over the devastation of my life at a point where it was going so well. Realistically I know it will be months before I could commit to going back to my full time career - so frustrating but perhaps chance to do something new?
Now how to earn part time while at home.... ideas on a memo please :) xxx
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Nearly a month since I last wrote. Well I've been back in hospital nearly two weeks now. I came to clinic for my results and they kept me in. The tests had shown up a number of things but they don't totally make sense or explain things. I've started on antibiotics for an infection but that is only one factor, they have ordered some further scans and want to observe me, look for patterns in my symptoms - I'm a bit of a puzzle.
My birthday fell on my first weekend back in here, also the same night as Afterlife but the docs were good enough to let me out overnight. I took the opportunity to have a lovely lunch out with my dad and Steve and then to have my hair cut at long last and my legs waxed - about time too!
We went to Afterlife and yet again it was another lovely night, this time I actually managed a little birthday play, a bit of a flogging, cropping and spanking, enough to leave bruises on my bum - which even a week later raised comment from the nurse when she went to give me my anti sickness injection in my bum cheek. I just nodded in acknowledgement and offered no explanation.
This weekend I really wanted to get out again for my favourite invite only party but this time the docs were having none of it. I'd had a bad week and they wanted to fully assess me, no way would they let me out Easter or not. I've been upset about it and as I sit typing this, my friends are all there having a great time. the last time I made it was December and have been in hospital each time since but had been determined I'd be better for this month, alas not. But at least Steve will take lots of pics. And anyway I'm having a bad day, I'm not really physically up to being out.
Maybe next month!!
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Well I did make it out at weekend. My beautiful mummy - A - came to visit, she arrived on saturday evening and at that point I couldn't see any way that I'd be able to go out, I'd worn myself out preparing for their arrival and I couldn't face the whole doing my hair and make up thing, but when she arrived she just injected energy into me, she helped with the hair and was really laid back telling me not to rush and it didnt matter if we needed to come home early.
We went to Afterlife in Preston in their new premises 'The Vault' and it was a lovely night. Although I could only sit on the sidelines and watch, it had given me a chance to get dressed up which i love and there were a number of positive remarks about my weight loss - albeit that the weight loss hasn't been on purpose, its effect has been pretty dramatic. I met new people, watched A get played with - I love when I see her sub, especially when I was safe myself - usually when A has a hard time of it at the hands of her dom, she then takes it out on me and mummy is a tough cookie, but everyone was really gentle with me which i appreciated.
It was lovely seeing A upside down, strapped to the wheel, looking like she was an assistant in a magicians show - about to have knives thrown at her (my imagination was runnning wild).
I actually managed to stick things out until the end, in part thanks to my new friend who I met on here - yes CM does have some genuine people on it. Having chatted online and by phone for a few weeks I asked K if he'd like to join us at the club and he was my companion on the sidelines all evening, what a lovely man he turned out to be and I look forward to seeing him again, although he too is sub, but a boy like him could have the most hardened of us feeling switchy lol. We'll see!
Sunday was a beautiful day spent chilling, eating and larking about with A and her dom and my Steve (Steve for those who dont know me is my best friend, minder, nurse, chauffeur, guru, angel and all round pillar of strength and ex dom/ex bf) although not together we are always together at the moment as I cant be alone and i have no one else to help me. It culminated in the scots vs the english at trivial pursuit, and despite a formidable lead, the scots crashed and burned as steve and i came from behind to steal victory from the jaws of defeat at the last moment!!
Unfortuately by this point i was nil by mouth so could not join the others in celebratory/commisatory drinkies.
Monday was a test i hadn't been looking forward to - at 9.30am i was drinking radio isotopes that tasted like vodka then blowing every 15mins into a variety of tubes, for 6 hours!! And yes I had all the jokes at how blowing so much should have been my idea of heaven! It wasn't lol.
Yesterday was another gastroscopy - 4th in 2 months and now i have a break until monday where i understand it will be radioactive chicken soup i have to injest this time :( Oh joy!!!
cx
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Well as i have all this time on my hands i may as well keep a little blog of whats going on.
Battling with emotions this week, got a cold on top of my illness which makes everything twice as hard.
Not a good week physically this week with the sickness and nausea back with a vengeance but i think I may have come to terms with the fact that this isn't going to be fixed overnight, realistically i need to prepare for months of recovery.
I have a full month of tests booked starting on monday and consultant appts today and tomorrow so at least it feels like things are finally moving - give that i was hospitalised on 12th Jan and had been sick for 4 months before that its about time lol.
Anyway some of these tests seem a bit scary, loads of them involve either being injected with or ingesting radioactive stuff, I'm expecting to be glowing like the ready brek kid by next week :)
Anyway am a bit disappointed, really wanted to go out to play this weekend, got friends coming to stay (including my beautiful switchy mummy who i miss loads) but I just dont think I'm up to it. :(
We'll see.
Cx
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I've decided to remove the journal of my journey for personal reasons, apologies if you were wanting to follow it.
cx
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Just an update for my friends, I am feeling much better now thankyou, definately on the road to recovery and feeling like a new and improved version of the old me.
Another week off work and I'll be right as rain as we say up north.
Thanks to those of you who helped to put a smile back on my face. cx
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Apologies to all that I haven't been in touch recently but last Monday I was admitted to hospital urgently when my anaemia started to really affect me. I'm now home having had 5 units of blood and an operation.
I'm in pain - not the type I like - but I'm resting and recovering.
Thanks to those friends who sent me texts and best wishes, it has really helped.
cx
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| Age: 20 |
| Florida, Virginia,
Maryland |
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