XaneKandor

Male Dominant, 22

Hello everyone. I went ahead and am switching over to a different profile on here. Finally got tired of the name on this one. My new profile is SubbieJaqui. Thanks, have a good one.

What is it in life that people strive for. Power, riches, popularity? Or more simple things like good friends, a steady job, and a general sense of well being about ones own existence. Why is it that people continue to work hard when the only thing that comes from it is...nothing. I wake up every day hoping that it will be different then the last. Some how better and worth waking up for. But every day, it seems, just continues to get worse. Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy living. I enjoy life as much as possible. But right now, life does not seem to like me. I have been out of work for some time now, going on three weeks or more. I look in the mirror and can not stand the person I see anymore. I can not afford to pay any of the bills that I have, which is kinda pathetic since they do not amount to a whole lot. I have been looking for work, trying to find a job, any job, just something to get by. I am starting to think that my problem is not all that hard to figure out. I have a pessimistic outlook on life. I do not believe that anything will ever get better. And if it does, its just the count down to when it's going to get bad again. I have few friends, and the ones I have, I do not deserve. They are kind enough to give me a home and a bed to sleep in. They give me food to eat. They help me out in anyway that they can. And I can not help but feel like a leech. Like a blood sucking parasite. You know, I am starting to think that the problem with my life....is me. I try to find solace in the fact that "tomorrow is another day." That "it can not get any worse then it already is." Truth is, it can. It really can get worse. I just really hope that it doesn't, because I am not sure if I can handle it if it does. In my previous entry on this site, I gave a bunch of possible reasons on why I possibly am the way that I am. An abusive father. A messed up head. I am sure that any one that has read it has thought to themselves one of two things. Either, "Awwww, it's so sad that this troubled individual has gone through so much." Or, "This little bitch needs to stop complaining. Everyone has it hard. It's just the way it is." Let me tell everyone right now. I did not post that in hopes of getting sympathy from anyone. Nor did I do it to complain to anyone. I had just hoped that it would give anyone who read it a sense of what it is like to be me. Possibly help others to know me better then they thought. Maybe I did want a little attention...Nothing wrong with that, is there? To get someone to pay attention to you? No, I do not think it is. True, what I am looking for probably does not exist. A caring, loving, sympathetic, and trust worthy individual that will come and sweep me off of my feet. I have heard that if something sounds to good to be true, thats probably because it is. But is what I want so complicated? Is it so hard to find someone that will just take the time to get to know you, to understand you, to talk to you, or just listen? Again, I am starting to believe that people like this do not exist. Then again, remember, I am a pessimist. Through a whole lot of encounters with people over the years, I have learned a thing or two. When the chips are down. When your down to your last dollar. Most will turn their backs on you. I had a friend once who, knowing I had no where else to go, kicked me out on my butt for another friend. Nice, don't you think? And that is just one of many things that happened. So my True, what I am looking for probably does not exist. A caring, loving, sympathetic, and trust worthy individual that will come and sweep me off of my feet. I have heard that if something sounds to good to be true, thats probably because it is. But is what I want so complicated? Is it so hard to find someone that will just take the time to get to know you, to understand you, to talk to you, or just listen? Again, I am starting to believe that people like this do not exist. Then again, remember, I am a pessimist. Through a whole lot of encounters with people over the years, I have learned a thing or two. When the chips are down. When your down to your last dollar. Most will turn their backs on you. I had a friend once who, knowing I had no where else to go, kicked me out on my butt for another friend. Nice, don't you think? And that is just one of many things that happened. So my pessimism is not completely unfounded. To anyone that is curious...No, there are no pictures of me as a girl. I really wish there were, but there are not. Now..Most take this to mean that I am just another fake. A fraud. Someone who is just playing games. Well, I'll have all of you who think this know, that it is completely untrue. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Good, I am glad. Now, imagine that you didn't. How lost would you feel? Maybe you would feel lonely. Trapped maybe? Or maybe you would feel the same. Perhaps you can tell yourself that no matter what, you would always like what you see. Until you actually experience something, you have absolutely no idea how you would feel in that certain situation. Maybe you might have an idea. But trust me. To anyone that is curious...No, there are no pictures of me as a girl. I really wish there were, but there are not. Now..Most take this to mean that I am just another fake. A fraud. Someone who is just playing games. Well, I'll have all of you who think this know, that it is completely untrue. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Good, I am glad. Now, imagine that you didn't. How lost would you feel? Maybe you would feel lonely. Trapped maybe? Or maybe you would feel the same. Perhaps you can tell yourself that no matter what, you would always like what you see. Until you actually experience something, you have absolutely no idea how you would feel in that certain situation. Maybe you might have an idea. But trust me. Reality is so much more scary then fiction. Right now I am sure people are thinking to themselves, "why not just do something to better your situation?" Well again, let me tell you, I am. A friend once said that if I wanted to be a girl so much, that I should do everything in my power to do so. Move away. Leave everything behind. Start over from scratch. Get started on the path. And he is right. Absolutely right. Would you like to know something, dear readers? That is frightening. Leaving everything you know behind. Having to deal with the rejection from both family and friends. Trying to start a new life all on your own. Yes, the face I see in the mirror is a lie. But at what point does the lie become the truth? At what point do you become so afraid of being without it that you can never again take off the mask? I know that I should not care much about what others think about me. People tell me that every day. But you know, for some reason, I do. I even care what my abusive father thinks of me, which is really weird, I'll admit. What does that mean? Some say that I am young because of my age. But really. Am I that young? Should age really be gaged in years? Or should it be Right now I am sure people are thinking to themselves, "why not just do something to better your situation?" Well again, let me tell you, I am. A friend once said that if I wanted to be a girl so much, that I should do everything in my power to do so. Move away. Leave everything behind. Start over from scratch. Get started on the path. And he is right. Absolutely right. Would you like to know something, dear readers? That is frightening. Leaving everything you know behind. Having to deal with the rejection from both family and friends. Trying to start a new life all on your own. Yes, the face I see in the mirror is a lie. But at what point does the lie become the truth? At what point do you become so afraid of being without it that you can never again take off the mask? I know that I should not care much about what others think about me. People tell me that every day. But you know, for some reason, I do. I even care what my abusive father thinks of me, which is really weird, I'll admit. What does that mean? Some say that I am young because of my age. But really. Am I that young? Should age really be gaged in years? Or should it be measured in life experiences? Who knows. If you took the time to read this, thank you. It is probably so long that most will just pass it by. But maybe you stuck through it. Read through all the jumbled ideas and nonsense and saw to the true heart of it. Then again, maybe you didn't. On a lesser note. Is there really anything wrong with wanting to be an air headed bimbo with platinum blond hair, who likes to wear pink all the time and has no more responsibility then to sit there and look pretty? Before anyone jumps on me about this. No, that is not how I see women. Just how I see myself.

If no one minds, I would like to share a bit of my story with everyone. I'm not sure if I care if anyone reads it, but writing has always helped me put things into perspective. Even at a young age I knew I was different, could not quite put my finger on it, but I knew. It was like a fly buzzing around your head at a party. It always nagged at me, just outside my reach. When I say a young age, I am speaking of back when I was in daycare. I never really liked playing with the "boys" and was always more inclined and more interested in doing what the girls were doing, or at least to watch. Growing up was hard for me as I know it was hard for every one. I am not looking for sympathy with this story, everyone has had it rough. But it is our stories that make us unique. My parents were divorced when I was 4 years old and I lived with my mother and two older sisters. Everything they did was always so intriguing to me. From the way they dressed, how they did their hair, the way they spoke, even the way they interacted with each other. Back when my parents were still together, my father singled me out from everyone for ridicule and blame as well as punishment, and not the nice kind either. He always set out to degrade me and to assure me that I was less then he was. It was the difference that he saw in me that cause gave him reason to do this. When I moved in with him, he always pressured me to act more like a boy..Always threatened me..Often times with death or severe bodily harm. That was when I found that I had no idea how a boy was to act...I knew though that I had to, or be punished for it. I observed, watched, imitated, just as I had always done. When I was fourteen, was when I came about my first real realization. The room I lived in used to be my step mothers, so it had a lot of her clothes, shoes, and jewelry in it. On instinct it would seem, I simply started dressing in her clothes at night before I went to bed. To this day I am not sure what led me to do it, like it were a primal urge. But the one thing I do know was the feeling that I had when I put on one of her dresses and her heels....I felt...complete. For the first time in my 14 years, I felt like I was whole. Even then, I was not sure why I felt like that. Not till many years later did I truly understand, when I was able to admit it to myself. I would like to share one such incident where I was "caught". My parents had left the house to go to my little brothers baseball game. As soon as I heard the car go around the corner at the end of the block, I started to dress, as I had always done when I was alone. I selected one of my favorites out of my step mom's collection. It was a blue cotton dress with three buttons up the front. Along with that I picked out the matching pair of heels in white, blue, and red. After doing my make up, I had just sat down on the couch to watch a movie, when I heard the car pulling back into the drive. Imagine, if you will, the fear that was coursing through me at that very second. I rushed into the bathroom and locked the door, trying to get out of her clothes and out of the make up as quickly as possible. My dad started to pound on the bathroom door, demanding that I open it. He almost broke it down before I did. I had managed to get out of everything and hid them behind the clothes hamper. He rushed in and I guess the place I hid them was not that good, because he saw them. He had no idea what I had been doing, only suspected. I was back up against the wall and was slapped continuously until I wet myself. Several other times I was accused of being gay and had my life threatened..My own father. One of the people who was supposed to love me the most in the world said, and I quote. "If I ever find out you are gay, I am going to kill you." Great thing to tell a developing teenager who is trying to find them self. There were other beatings, but they were all generally the same. I ended up moving out at 15. I traveled around a lot in my youth, going from place to place. Was even homeless for a while. I had relationships with girls that always failed. Not because I was not into girls, I just was not into being a "boy". Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a boy or a man...It is just not me. One such girlfriend told me that I was an embarrassment to her. I never really had anyone to talk to about the things going through my head, so you can all imagine the confusion that I felt and still do feel. "Who am I?" "What am I" "Am I a boy or a girl?". Not only was my mind confused, but as it seems, my body is confused as well. While I have slightly broad shoulders, slightly defined facial features, and a bit of growth on my cheeks. ( While attempting to be more of a boy, I started to shave before there was any hair to shave. If I hadn't, I probably would not have any at all.) I also have features that are distinctly feminine. I have a long slender neck, long slender arms and legs, oddly shaped pelvis, small feet and hands. Hell, I was so good with the girls in bed, not because I had any real skill, but simply because I touched them in ways that made ME feel good. Even the thing between my legs partially disagrees with it being there...I only have feeling in the "head" and around the edges..I do not even masturbate like a boy. I slide my thumb under the foreskin and "finger" myself to intense orgasms. I'm not sure why this is. Was I born differently then I am now? I don't know, I have nothing to back up my theory. When I ask my mother and sisters if there was anything different about me when I was born, all they do is look away and tell me there wasn't. Why did my father beat me and treat me like I was less then he was while he did not do the same to my younger brother? Was it simply because he sensed the difference in me? Or was it because he KNEW the difference in me. Again, I don't know. I lived a lie for so long that sometimes, I don't even know who I am. Am I Jacob? Or am I Jessica? Who is real and who is mere illusion. All I do know is that when I look in the mirror and see myself, all I see is a fake. A facade. The mask I wear everyday so that I can exist. I know what I want. And I want it bad enough to trade everything I have, every good thing I have ever done, and much much more to get it. But I am scared. And embarrassed. I loose so much sleep at night thinking and wondering, with out truly ever coming up with any answers. Why do I fear it so much? Why does wanting to be myself embarrass me? Years of condition to the effect that if you are different, you are less then others, less then nothing. I will not make excuses for myself. Once you have read all of this, determine for yourself. Well readers, I feel I have opened enough old wounds and will conclude now with a few parting words of wisdom. Always be true to yourself. No matter what the cost. For if you are not, you will regret it. Sincerely, J

I was just laid off from my job today...nothing seems to be going right..

I am just here to give everyone a little update. I will no longer be known as Jessie or Jessica. It was but one of many names that I had chosen for myself. But with the help of a dear friend and the Mother, a true name has been chosen for me. And that name is Indira...It is a name that I can be proud of and one which resonates inside my very being, to its core. I hope this will not cause to much confusion with those that already know me. If it does, I am dearly sorry..but I had to follow the wishes of my soul. Good bye for now, everybody. And as the great singer Brian Johnson once said, "For those about to rock, we salute you! " Indira

Hello again, everyone. I know you have all been eagerly awaiting my next rant...yeah right, lol.? I do not think this will be such a rant though. I just wanted to speak of an experience that I had once, that truly opened my eyes and touched my heart. I had started talking to a Dom/sub couple, some time ago and arrange to meet them r/t. I took two weeks off of work and drove out of state to visit and stay with them for a while, to get a feel for things. On the second week that I was there, W/we went on a little outing to meet another Dom and His sub at a bar, unfortunately I had misplaced my ID. They thought that I would be able to get into the bar, as the DD but it was a no go. As they turned to leave, I suggested that I wait for them in the car and that it was no trouble. They said that "No, it was alright." But I insisted, in a kind manner. I did not want them to miss out on their get together because of me. So I waited in the car for over an hour, patiently. When they did finally come out, He paid me, what I think is the biggest compliment that can be paid to one such as myself. And I am just paraphrasing this, as I do not remember it all exactly. What He said was, " If none of your actions had proved it, tonights would have. You have the true heart of a slave." I did not know how to respond to this. I was beyond words at this point. Unfortunately, due to circumstances, things did not work out as we had hoped. But it was a very good experience..and I will never forget it. Well, until next time.. "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Take out the drugs and you have more time for the other two."? Steven Tyler

I'm not sure what I am feeling right now. Some times I wonder if it is all worth it. No, I do not intend to kill myself or harm myself, so please, I do not need to be talked down. I have just found this to be a good outlet for my frustrations. Sometimes people agree, sometimes they do not. I went to a vanilla party tonight. Everything was great, until it wasn't. I tried parties before and I always feel like I am the odd person out, no matter how many. Like I am alone in a crowded room. ? From the moment that I arrived in this world, I had to fight for survival. I was not breathing when I was born, due to the imbilical cord being wrapped around my neck. No, I was not premature, I was late actually. So late that I had consumed every nutrient that existed in the womb and started to literally feed on myself. I had to fight growing up, like the runt of the litter always trying to get its chance at the proverbial teat. I'm just..tired of having to fight to get by. Like everyday is an uphill struggle that I make no headway in. Again, don't get me wrong. I'm not a quitter. I will probably fight till the day that I die, how ever long that is. And I pay my own way, no matter what the situation. I never ask for a hand out unless I absolutely need it, no other choice kinda thing. This might sound a bit selfish, but I just want to know when this is all supposed to pay off. Just another rant from me. Thank you all for listening.

Well, its that time again....and...i have nothing to say...so...here is something i read once and it inspired me so.....whatever.. I exist neither as a shield nor as a weapon of war. I will be the sword to slice away all your sadness. I must not be afraid. I must not fear.? Sorrow is proof that I have been given life. And life offers a chance to find love in all its myriad forms. For the love we find is what frees us from sorrow. ?Life is filled with little prayers. A journey in search of love and a reason for our existence....

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought...."Damn....I am one ugly person..." Well...I just did...and it was a little depressing. Just another random thought.. Till next time

Wow, I think this is the most often that I have ever wrote anywhere except in private. Look, I realize that the pictures in my profile are not very feminine. For that I am very sorry. And I am also sorry if my profile has confused anyone. For the record, let me lay this out. I have not begun hormones, though I would like to. I do not have any feminine pictures in my profile, because if I were to do them myself (even though I have practiced with make up and dressing before ), I would end up looking like a clown, and that is not what I want. It is not the image that I want to present here. I posted the pictures that are there in hopes that someone can see past what is there and see the potential of what could be there. At some point, soon hopefully, I hope to be able to post a few pictures of myself as I should have been born. I would love to show everyone here that side of myself. I don't know about some of you, but when I look in the mirror, all I see is a stranger looking back at me. I have for as long as I can remember. My teen therapist said that I had a borderline personality disorder...she didn't know how close to the truth she had come. And I was not seeing a therapist because I am crazy or anything. I went through a lot as a kid and it had a bit of an effect on me. I had a few issues to work out..some are still lingering, but most are out of the picture. The slight depression is hard to kick though, but I am working through it and avoiding mirrors when ever possible. The image you see in the pictures is what I show to the world. The mask that I am required to hide behind because if most knew the real me, I would have nothing and no one, especially in the area of the country that I live in...I think the KKK as well as other unnamed groups still do bad things to people like me down here. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends that really do know the real me and are very understanding..maybe someday they can help me. Some would say that I am hiding behind that as an excuse. But trust me, I am not. I would like nothing more than to go out ( especially to work ) looking like I know that I should. Well, that is the end of my rant for now.. Till next time... And that could be soon.

Arkansas must be the back of no where these days. I mean, I understand people wanting others who are close to them. But isn't that the reason for the little box that says "willing to relocate"? I have, in fact, done it before. Fortunately for me, I own very little. Makes it easy to put everything in the car and pick up. Its just at the moment there are particular things that I need to take care of first. I have to pay off my credit card. Key word in that one is "I". I do not need help doing it, I work hard for a living in a very grueling occupation. I wait tables for a living. One of the most thankless jobs that exist. I also have to pay off my car. After that, than I can freely move about the country. Please, anyone, do not hesitate to message me just because I am to far away. Who knows what tomorrow will bring anyway. Oh, on a side not. I am not merely looking for sexual gratification. I am just looking for that part of myself that I feel is missing from my soul and the help from someone else to find it. That is all. If I can have that, I would not even care if I never had another orgasm in my entire life. Till next time..

Am I the only one? Or are there others out there that are just searching for a place that they can call home. A place where no one will judge them for the way that they are. A place where they can feel safe and sound, knowing that they are cared about. Just wondering if I am alone in this. I don't believe that I am, but I sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the sleaze. I just want a place that I can finally call home. A place that is built on rules and morels that are without question. A place where I can finally trust those that I am around, instead of always looking over my shoulder and wondering who is going to drive the knife home this time. Till next time..

I am beginning to think that I am like kryptonite for the people that I am seeking to attract. Master, Dom, Domme's, and Mistresses. Would anyone like to tell me what I have done to offend or displease anyone.. Please, feed back of all kinds is welcome. Until next time..

I really don't know whats wrong with me these days. Last night at work I about had a emotional break down in front of my boss. Now that was kind of embarrassing. I don't know why I have felt so down lately. I have found it hard to talk to my friends and family about it, because they do not seem to understand..or just do not care to listen. I know life is hard...hard for everyone. Just because mine is, does not make me special or unique. Perhaps the experiences that caused my life to be hard are my own, but not the feelings. In short, I have no idea what I am trying to say here. I probably should not be saying any of it, probably will not attract anyone. I guess I just needed some one to vent to who would not judge me. If you have read this, thank you for taking the time and I hope your life is all that you dreamed it would be.. Till next time..

Well, it has been a while since I put anything here or even posted at all. Well, I was away for a while and I was trying new things. I found out a few things about myself. And while I do not mind talking to guys, or even possibly serving one. It would have to be taken very slow. There were events in my past that have inhibited me before and someone was hurt emotionally because of this. I just do not want it to happen again, that is all. Thank you for respecting this..

I have not posted anything in here in a while so I guess its time for me to do it again. As far as my status is concerned, it is strange. I do not actually think I am a switch, nor a Dom, nor a slave. I really wish there was an "other" category. Because none of them really fit. And to be perfectly honest, I have very little RL experience. I have been to a few munches and have talked to several Dominants and submissives. I have learned a lot over the years and only wish for what every confused person wants....completion. To learn more. To have someone hold out their hand and say, "Its ok, I understand. I will help you find your path." If it is sub, slave, Master, Dom, Mistress, Domme...I do not care..just want to find it. I am just tired..

Hey! Talk to me, im not such a bad guy, really. I swear!

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