WithDowncastEyes

I'm mostly posting this here to fill space.  I've not posted since November and since then some things have changed.

I parted ways with the Sir mentioned in my previous journals. It was completely amiable and we're still very close friends. To those people who were following our relationship I'm sorry for the radio silence. Life just got very hectic and I withdrew from everyone and everything.

I am seeing someone, but remain polyamorous. I'm a secondary, still one day hoping for a primary.

You know it's amazing. In a little under six months I've gone from basically having to beg for a little kink and then eventually trying to avoid all but the most romantic of sex to being in what borders on a 24/7 polyamorous dynamic with a collar being offered. A real collar that means one, that I didn't beg for or talk my partner into.

My submission has gone from a sexy and fun side note to sex to be addressed as a game to being acknowledged as a central need of my sexuality.

Pain has become devotion.

Love has become free to anyone who deserves it.

My body is mine, even when it "isn't."

My mind is once more seen as fascinating.

So, I find it nearly impossible to achieve honest subspace, much for the same reason I deeply struggle with meditation. I think too much. At any given moment I have multiple, largely unrelated conversations and scenarios going within my head along with running commentary, the annoying voice of darkness, and my “surface thoughts.” My brain just can’t shut the hell up. It’s because of this I didn’t even realize I’d spaced out during my first TPE experience with Sir. The entire time I was aware of myself, I was talking in my head. Cataloging every sensation and reaction, critiquing, complaining, bargaining with myself over the use of my safe word. I knew I would be called on to describe the experience later so I got a head start. Or well, so I thought. It seems I lost a lot of time. Towards the end my thoughts focused solely on the tone of his voice, the placement of his hands, and the ever present threat of the next strike. I suppose that is a form of subspace. The entire world shrinking down so it’s only big enough to contain your partner. Not your grocery list, not if your roomies are home, not worrying over money. Just them. That may sound sort of…normal, but it’s a like winning a goram war for me.

The only problem with getting into that headspace is that it becomes exceedingly difficult for me to verbalize sometimes, and just as difficult to stop stammering a stream of desperate words at other times. This is problematic when asked questions, or faced with the impending likelihood of needing to safe word. I will sit in my head rehearsing the answer for what feels like hours,  or bargaining with myself for the use of the safe word. “You can say it if you can take one more hit.” “You can say it if he says this again.” I worry that could become dangerous.

Sir made it his personal quest to get me there more frequently and to keep me there longer. To give me the peace it can lend. Honestly, I spent most of his last visit slipping in and out of it. For long stretches, nothing mattered but his touch, his will, his presence. I was content to do as he said, even to be only barely paid attention to while he carried on conversations with others as long as he stayed near me and kept his hands on me. I was his. That was what counted.

So Sir just went home, cue the sighs and the drop from the subbie high.

This weekend was busier than last, and as always we didn't get to do everything we had planned, mostly due to the weather and the fact that we're both breaky as hell. I spent a large portion of last night in crippling pain and he spent a large portion of today in crippling pain. But we took care of each other and made do and honestly had a great time regardless.

We had two rope demos with different sets of people. I really deeply enjoyed the chance to be Sir's demo doll, to be shown off as his and a way to show his prowess. It was amazing to finally be allowed to sit at his feet or lay beside him with his hand on my throat in front of others. I love being Sir's.

We played with clothespins. Shudder. I don't like clamps of any kind. They hurt and they suck and they're just not the right kind of pain. But I kept them on for what must've been a while by today, because they make him happy. And hey, I actually left a mark on him with a hot glue gun while experimenting so he at least sort of knows my pain. I love knowing that he enjoys hurting me. I was begging for him to without prompting, because I know he needs to, he needs to hear I want it and... It's his way of showing that he loves me and he owns me and I need that as much as he does. I wanted to serve him as fully as I could, going above and beyond.

Speaking of that, we finally took our first two steps towards CNC. Small steps really, made up of maybe ten minutes or so each. I was not spaced out enough for the first one, not really. It was fun, I enjoyed it, but the suspension of disbelief was not there. I wanted more. And this morning I got more, though I think he planned on it being grander before we both got breaky. Regardless, it was perfect. I'm actually quite glad we're easing into it. It makes me more sure that I want it, and better able to assure him that I did afterwards.

I had a few gifts waiting for sir and he had a few for me. He brought me my favorite imported candy and made me a little hammer pendant out of silver. And then Friday night he gave me a little temporary collar, his hand around my throat. A sweet gesture, but just a gesture. Or well, I thought so. Last night he offered to collar me in front of our friends later on in the evening. He told me he wanted to, he needed to, that he was in love with me and wanted to keep me.

This was...shocking.

I was told that those were the two things that would never ever be on the table. He could not, according to the rules with other partners, fall in love or collar. I had resigned myself to that as best I could.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled. I started crying the moment he said it. I want nothing more than the ultimate symbol of his control around my throat but damn it's jarring to be handed something you'd been told was impossible. It was hard to process, and a solid, terrifying worry that being told they weren't options was just another elaborate test or game. He assure me it was not. I have faith in him.

I asked him to wait until next month at least. I need to see that I have the blessing of the relevant partners, and well, I would like to collar to come from him and not just be jewelry I already own. We'll likely have our little dinner party and then have him collar me in front of some of our friends. I'm very excited and a little scared. I've never been collared before. I don't know what it feels like. There's so many new things in this dynamic.

I with I could write more but my thoughts are far too jumbled.

I love my Master.

Sir is visiting this weekend! I'm very excited.

We're a bit more booked than last time, a lot more really. We'll be visiting with two different couples and a female friend who may want to photograph my piercing experience. I doubt we'll play with any of them, though we'll be running a rope demo for the Dom of one couple and might be shown some tricks involving rigging by the photographer.

What's on the list of exploration this month you ask, oh imaginary audience? Hot glue guns, outdoor sex, consensual non consent, leaving marks, playing in front of pet on skype, interacting with other establish D/s couples, more pictures and bondage, probably more verbal humiliation since sir loves his monolouges, and maybe hot wax, suspension, and sex magic. Lookit us being busy busy bees.

Expect one of my usual rambly essays by the end of the weekend.

I love my Sir.

I suffer because I love you.

I am not a "hardcore" masochist, I never have been.  I've said it before and I will say it again, Sir's sadism far outweighs my masochism. I think most sadists enjoy dishing out more than the average submissive enjoys receiving, (as in, they're more sadistic than most masochists are in fact masochistic) though perhaps that's just the only thing I've seen. When he decides to indulge his Sadism, really indulge it, it quickly crosses from something I enjoy to something I must endure. This isn't a bad thing, really. I've always liked the idea of being pushed slightly past the point of comfort simply because it pleases my partner. Sir's Sadism is more than a kink, it is a need. He needs to fulfill his sadism, and I will take as much as I can so that his need may be met. And honestly, it gets his dick hard, and who am I to deny Sir enjoyment? My partner's enjoyment outranks mine. I joke that it's sexual martyrdom. Suffering born out of devotion.

I will beg to be used again and again.

I will scream my pain and my pleasure for Sir's enjoyment.

I will sob and let him pink my pretty skin however he pleases,

until I am as pretty as he can make me, and he will make me pretty.

Serving Sir and suffering for him makes me beautiful.

I will strain for his touch after every blow,

crawl, broken, into his arms after I've shattered and should likely be cursing his name.

My swollen lips will beg for kisses

and between choked sobs

I will say "I love you Master"

and always remember to hiccup a thank you,

kissing the hands that hurt me.

Please Sir...

Never take me from your cross,

or take your hands from my throat.

It is unthinkable,

unbearable.

It is far worse a fate than anything your hands or your words  could do me,

you could beat me black and blue,

bleed me dry

and I would take that with more grace.

I suffer because I love you.

So Sir and I have officially acquired a pet for us to share.

She's been friends with the both of us for a long time, and expressed interest in me a few week or so ago. It's been mutual, at least on my end, for a long time. We had spent quite some time discussing kink and Sir before that, and so Sir took something of a leap and invited her to play with us.

She responded far more eagerly than either of us expected her to.

I had been concerned about scaring her off with an expression of largely vanilla interest. And even after that, I was sure that when presented with the question of fucking sir she would balk.

She has jumped eagerly upon every chance, with us much excitement as I have for the oppurtunity to serve. Her tastes and kinks are slightly different from my own, which allows us both to serve sir in differing capacities. It pleases me greatly to know more of his needs can be met more fully, potentially. It pleases me to know another person's needs are being met for the first time, and explored.

I actually quite like serving with others, or the idea of it.

Still, this is slightly faster than expected, and relatively new to me.

It's not that I'm not eager or excited, it's mostly nerves, I think. Sir is doing all he can to sooth them, and has gifted me with the chance to choose some things which are mine alone. I am included in most of his dealings with her, even if just to watch them talk.

I have been trying to make little small gestures of welcome, likely too small to be noticed really. I like welcoming people. :3

Pet is lovely and clever and oh so eager.

She will be a lovely addition to our dynamic.

So it occurs to me I'm just shy of winning at life (confidently making rent after january would complete the pie of awesome.) I am writing semi professionally, working on publishing poetry, make art semi professionally, will be making money from modeling within the next year, and to put the cherry on top,  I actually found a Sir who is amazing and everything I'd sort of decided could not exist.

Winning.

So I keep being asked what I enjoy most about Sir.

Honestly, it's two things. He values me as a person just as much as a submissive. We genuinely enjoy being friends and nerds together. I am acknowledged as someone who has something worthwhile to contribute, whose ideas and concerns and anxieties are worth contributing. When I genuinely know more about something than him he allows me to teach and enjoys exploring with me. We can ramble all day about submissives knowing their true place and all that jazz but when the day is over I am a person. A pretty awesome, funny one at that. It's refreshing to have the best of both.

Sir, my darling Sir, sees all the things that I spent years desperately trying to show others to no avail. It's a bit like drowning, really, slowly learning no one will truly see or understand the root of your being. That's what I crave, being known, truly, and loved despite it. Sir sees it and drags all the frightening bits out kicking and screaming and crying and then he makes them something beautiful, something that makes me stronger. He forges me armor with the truths in me. He pushes me when he knows I need it and holds me when I can go no further.

He makes my brain sizzle.

He is safety and control and love and care.

He is blood and war and fury for me.

He is a shield and a fortress.

He's my monster, my master, my teacher, my friend.

And a bit of my heart is his.

I'm officially confused by those folk who kidnap and torture folk in sex dungeons and kill people because they want fully submissive people to bend to their will.

Um.

There are people who will volunteer for the shit these people are after. Clearly they jsut don't spend enough time online.

So this is not an assignment. This is the result of a fairly upsetting experience that evoked a new feeling.

When you insult Sir, you insult me.

When you disregard his wishes and belittle the hold his commands have on me, you insult his control and my submission, the devotion poured into this.

I don't like it when people act as if his authority is not valid because they don't want it to be. When they treat his role as trivial.

Because it's not. I'm not playing at this. This is not a game, I don't care what is or what is not around my neck.

He has earned every drop of devotion, trust, willingness to serve and to suffer and to please, even in the face of terror, in the face of deep darked truths. To disrespect our dynamic is to belittle every moment of work.

For those of you still confused:

No, I'm not collared.

No, I will not be collared and that is ok.

No, I have no intention of interacting with a Dom in an "official" capacity without permission and supervision.

Yes, I know he's married.

Yes, she knows about me.

YES, I'm happy with our situation.

Just because I am a sub does not mean I'm YOUR sub. Just because I am not collared does not mean I am on the market for another Dom, or that I'm meat on the street for choosing.

I will officially consider it to be insulting to be messaged with intention of scening or using me to get off. MESSAGE FLORIDEGO.Disregarding the protocal we have in place is rude and disrespectful to him and I will be having none of it.

How long have you been standing there?

Lurking behind that shadow of a cross

just waiting for the right little thing

to wander out of that palace

out of the church.

How long have you watched

every practiced motion,

every drop of a glace?

Oh and you know all her names,

don’t you darling?

All the names she didn’t even knew she had.

You claimed them as yours before she knew yours

and soon you’ll brand them on her.

You’ll tie her to that cross,

crucify her for your mirth

and spend three days

making sure she will always come back.

And she will.

A thousand sins for every piece of silver,

an ocean of tears for every coin.

She’ll paint her eyes

and wear those baubles

so dearly paid for.

She will welcome you into all of her temples,

a look in her eyes and smile on her face.

There will be no need for blankets this night,

no need of candles or moonlight.

How long have you known?

How long have you known her price?

Was it really one dead Jew,

one little kiss on their precious Christ?

You would be the one to buy her

salvation and damnation in the same breath.

A thousand sins and for every piece of silver,

an ocean of tears for every shining coin.

So. Sir left for home two and a half hours ago. I'm supposed to be writing up a journal about this weekend but to be honest, I'm not sure where to start or what to say. I'm deeply overwhelmed by the task at hand and his absence.

We had been waiting to decide if we would actually have sex. It would all come down to how our first kiss went, really. Chemistry is important after all.

Chemistry was not an issue.

At all.

So we basically fucked for three days straight and it was awesome.

On a slightly more serious note, we worked on and through a lot of things, handled miscommunications and stumbles with as much grace as possible, and generally too care of each other. I did not expect things to get so intense and I honestly didn't expect him to be so caring and cuddly. I mean, he's never seemed like he did not care, but reading it and hearing it is not the same as experiencing it.

In fact, this weekend was just one big stream of unexpected things. We ended up doing something magical and completely unplanned on something a little stronger that a whim that led to something beautiful. We connected over and actually opened dscussed something I had expected to stay on the backburner, which has created a gorgeous secondary dynamic that I'm so grateful for. I did not expect to space out as much as I did, since normally it takes moving mountains for that. It was perfect. Sex was great, the D/s was transcendent and it was a glorious learning and growing experience.

And sir said he loved me. Squee. <3 It's so nice to be loved. And no. Not in love. No no no no. I have no intent on stealing him away for myself. I do love sir, I do, but in a unusually unselfish way. I'm content to love him and have him when I may have him. No real expectations attached, no deep unfaltering longing, just you know, a warm, deep, abiding care.

So anywayyy.

I really truly failed an expectation for the first time this weekend. That was traumatic. I think I sobbed and apologized for a solid five or ten minutes before being told that it was a test, really. That everyone was expected to fail it, the question was always when it would happen.

I was told to never ever ever call him master. It was to be a term reserved for whoever collared me. Of course in all my past experiences honorifics have been interchangeable so it was a new concept but one I was devoted to. After all, names are important and his wishes must always be honored.

And then it slipped. I don't even know if I finished the word before gasping, covering my mouth, and beginning to beg for mercy.

Apparently I may continue to do so, for holding out so long, for reacting so violently and making it so clear that it was important to me that I not cross even small lines. I use it but...sparingly. The difference ground itself into my head and I don't want to imply, even to myself, a hope for that collar.  I don't dislike the idea of it, but I know it's impossible. A collared-only-when-visiting situation is litterally the only viable option and even that would take an extreme amount of discussion and time. Lots of time. I'm content with our situation now. I don't mind the realities of our dynamic, really. I am happy.

And now we move on to the other...trying part of the experience.

After visiting with my subby sister for a bit longer than planned we went home for a scene. He decided we would do a 4/1 (four hours/ one day) TPE and I agreed. It was good. It was painful. It was hard and terrifying and different. I sobbed for what felt like hours afterwards, though I'm sure it was only fifteen minutes or less. I was damn convinced the scene was only 15 minutes and then found out it was an hour and a half. Time gets squishy, I think. As we all know by now, he's a sadist. So I got what I considered a fairly solid beating. Honestly after the tenth time he slapped me full force, he didn't even have to hit me. All he needed to do was take a hand off me and I flinched. Not that he stopped. All I could focus on was the pain and pushing through to the next moment, the next blow, the next word to please him. I wish I was more of a masochist for him, but gods dammit I will take what he gives me and I will thank him for it.

I almost safe worded twice. It was never the pain that prompted that, there were other buttons being pushed. In fact, it was the verbal assault that broke me in half. The other time was a concern for simply not being able to breath when I needed to, but that sorted itself out right before the session was over. I'm so pleased I didn't.

Honestly, I think it was almost too much pain. But that was alright, I enjoy pushing just out of my comfort zone for the sake other his pleasure. I will suffer for my sir if that is what pleases him and will be grateful for the chance. It will take time and communication but we will find that perfect balance together, and it will be even better.

We spent today fucking and kissing and laughing and loving on eachother, problem solving together, all that good stuff. He missed his original bus. I got my fucking car booted. 75 dollars and five hours later, he left, after much desperate kissing and touching and discussing odd theories on really strange things.

I even got to quietly and discreetly kneel by his chair after bringing him food while sitting around with some mutual friends in his favorite position. I don't know if he noticed but it made me very happy. I got to sit at his feet with my coffee while he smoked as well, and that made me happy too. It's the little things sometimes, really.

Gods dammit I miss him.

I can't tell if it's the dreaded sub drop or just the feeling left after you spend a lot of time with someone and then they're gone. 

He will endeavor to visit once a month, and we've discussed spending a portion of Christmas together. I would love a little subby christmas with him. <3 He may have mentioned having a little subby buddy all gift wrapped for me for one of the nights, since he discovered that I have a bit of a sadistic streak (through conversation, I'd get smacked for indulging it with him). Either way, I will see him soon and it will be grand. I'm so grateful for everything he has done, gave, every door opened, every tear caused and soothed.

Sir is officially visiting this weekend and I could not be happier.  We've met in person before, long before any of this was in the making. It's not one of those moments, sweet and nerve wracking as they are.

But it will be the first time I've seen him in months, the first time together within this dynamic, the first time we really touch or kiss outside of friendly hugs. The first time I am truly aware of his touch.

We'll visit my subby sister during the weekend, which pleases me as well.

So sir and I pushed into the truly sexual today, after a two hour long chat while I sat in a very hot tub of water.

First he had me hold some new postures, part of slowly teaching me a wide variety of them. He noticed that I was quite shy over parts of it, disliking being fully disrobed and on display. We also discussed if I would want to fuck him when he visits. This of course led to a game.

Sir likes games, especially games with sneaky motives and morals.

I was to lay on camera so Sir could look over my curves with one hand between my legs, and answer yes no questions. Each answer had a specific action attached. The questions and actions sped up in frequency and intensity, going darker and darker places until he had me quite properly fucking myself on cam while a lovely stream of shameful filth flowed out in his low, slow voice.

After what felt like an hour of it, he allowed me to cum, which felt like it took another hour despite having been tottering on the edge.

Intense, constant waves of pleasure that just makes the nerves scream for more and more until your body can barely remember what it's like to not be cumming this hard. And suddenly I wasn't half so self concious of my body.

The question of if we'll actually have sex still looms, but it does look better every day.

Sir has told me to create Dossiers for everyone I've had a sexual relationship with. It was an odd, slightly embarassing slightly nostalgic process. I was allowed to exclude anyone who I considered...unwanted though including one was necessary. They're listed from the first to the last in mostly chronological order.

Name: The Wolf
Age: 15, I think.
Gender: Male

Wolf was a switch, possible a sub in retrospect, who used his "dominance" to push the girl into letting him do what he would with her. While she later grew into enjoying it, he was her first sexual contact of any kind and it was a very bewildering introduction. He enjoyed pain, both giving and receiving, and the idea of BDSM but never really bothered exploring it with the girl. Even when the relationship was ended he would continue to push for contact, with the help of his new girlfriend. All of his grasping for power seems to be compensating for everyone's refusal to fuck him and to possibly bounce back from an extreme immasculation the hands of his ex. This would be the first taste of manipulation, or indeed any interest, in the name of sex.

Name: The Angel
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Angel was a switch, and extremely new to BDSM when introduced by Lilith (See other Dossier). While he enjoyed powerplay and pain, it seems like it was mostly because the girl seemed to enjoy it and Lilith encouraged it. He often expressed concern that the girl was more interested in his ability to dominate and overpower her more than she was in him. He was a part of the only attempted threesome the girl has had, along with Lilith, though there was never any penetration. He also heavily encouraged Lilith to play with the girl in his name, lacking her experience. He was deeply  disturbed by his unshared, but dark urges. This was the girl's first and last attempt at really Domming from the bottom, and also her first taste of bdsm and, incidentally, blowjobs. Yum.

Name: Lilith
Age:16
Gender: Female
Lilith was a lifestyle submissive who could occasionally top from the moment the girl met her. She had much more experience in BDSM and sex than the girl and was more than happy to share her expertise. She taught what she could about it, and often gave hands on demonstrations during sleepovers. She was already showing deep interest in age play, often asking the girl's boyfriends if they were her daddy (a trend started with Angel), humiliation, and deep 24/7 submission as well as sadomasochism and an interest in bondage. She was the girl's first experience with pain and they spent many years being play partners, continuing to explore together when they can to this day.

Name: Margaret
Age:18
Gender: Female
The girl had a single night with Margaret, who had, during their friendship, expressed interest in pain and responded incredibly well to it. Underneath the church school uniform was an incredibly dirty mind. She was outgoing and proudly out of the closet, or so it seemed at the time. The relatioship might have progressed had this not occurred during the relationship with Peter, when they both thought they had been given permission but later discovered they had not been. This was the last woman the girl as been with, three years ago.

Name: Peter
Age: 23
Gender: Male

Peter claimed to be an experienced dom, very much into roleplay (the favorite being a viking who had raided a church full of nuns) and pain. The girl is sure there was more but it has been a while. He was the person to actually take the girl's virginity, having sex with her exactly one time during their nearly two year relationship. He enjoyed long, dirty conversations during church and school, often requesting a school girl uniform, likely due to a large bitterness towards God resulting in a love for desecration. He had a large power complex, convinced at all times that he was better than everyone else and deserved respect, oddly paired with a very small private ego. Emotionally manipulative to ensure that he would not be left, highly insecure, relatively boring fuck despite being creative with location. The girl had intended to marry this one, though that did not work out. He was also the first male to really enjoy and approve of the girl's curiosities and tastes.

Name:  Scarred
Age: 20?
Gender: Male

Vanilla five night stand who could not comprehend the idea of BDSM or the appeal, the classic "so you'll give me a blowjob and I'll pull your hair?" type. While impressive and relatively skilled he offered very little support as a person and failed to fulfill this girl's needs. He was deeply ashamed of sex due to his christian upbringing, and yet incredibly eager. The first man to spend the night with the girl, and a failed experiment in casual sex. The girl is unsure if it's because it had very little emotional connection or simply because he was boring and made her feel stupid when he did not agree with her.

Name: Satyr
Age: 19
Gender: Male

A virgin (before the girl) babydom who was very eager to have rough, violent sex. Enjoyed calling the girl names, constant dirty talking playing out scenarios, light bondage, biting, scratching, spanking, hair pulling, and roleplay. While he was extremely eager and actually very satisfying in bed and fairly so as a dom, he failed in the department of afftercare and often research. He was the first to really engage in any planned play, coming up with scenarios and scenes to play out, though he often would not enforce rules at all. Once, and once only, in what the girl believes to be a fit of rage over a new tattoo, managed to truly dominate the girl, using her as he would in complete silence until he was done. It was exhilerating. He also encouraged exploring consentual non consent, enjoying the thought of it, though they never got around to exploring it. His need to dominate likely stemmed through the driving, undying need to be perceived as strong. Occasionally subbed, badly.

Name: Knight
Age:20
Gender: Male
Another switch/baby dom. Incredibly good at domination, curious about almost every aspect of BDSM and willing to explore them, aside from consentual non consent and age play. He was extremely proficient with rope, a skill he picked up from his job. He played elaborate drawn out power games and researched constantly, providing an experience that proved once and for all to the girl that this was a key part of who she is and a need that must be met. While he took good care of her his use of power was clumsy several times, eventually doing too much emotional damage to push past. Despite a great distaste for consentual non consent, he rarely took "no" for an answer for more than a few moments. Moral of the story: If you won't respect my nos you do not deserve my yeses.

Name: Stoic

Age: 22

Gender: Male

Fairly pleasing vanilla sex, no interest in a relationship. Talks about kinky tendencies but has yet to exhibit them. Sorta stands as proof that I cannot subsist on vanilla sex alone.

Name: Sir

Age: 30

Gender: Male

Sir is an exceptional, caring, experienced Dom and sadist. He is extremely thorough in research, communication, and after care, among other things. ;) He is extremely sadistic, enjoying leaving me a sobbing mess, and near insatiable. Extremely clever, often making Biblical references at appropriately dirty moments and inventing new ways of exploration. He enjoys gift giving and teaching. While there is 0 chance of a collar he is responsible for my "training" and deeply important. This is likely the least coherent of these little blurbs but I'm highly overwhelmed right now and will try to rewrite it later.