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| My heart has been captured in a way I would have never thought possible. I am enslaved completely, at his every beck and call. Nothing comes before his needs, wants, desires. I would lay my life down for him in an instant.
I wouldn't call him tall, dark and handsome. Hair, well he has little of it. He tends to observe more than he does talk. But he is quite a snuggler and will listen to me talk as long as I will keep him cuddled and fed.
He's the main focus of my life right now.
Friends I have chatted with here, I'm sure you'll forgive long periods of absences. So incredibly happy and feeling more centered than I have in my entire life.
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I know now there is a piece of truth in most opinions. I was warned, I ignored, I became exactly what I was warned I would.
Lesson learned. |
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They really don't come more complicated than me. But when the connection is right and the chemistry meshes, I believe I'm quite simple to figure out.
I once again tried to deny my needs and desires, it really isn't working. There's a touch I crave and a mindset I adore. Neither are currently present in my life. Must change that. |
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I figure I had better put something here in case people wonder why I go poof. I am a multiple, meaning, I am one of several personalities that inhabit one body. I am a very real person, just not always the one in charge. So if days pass and we don't speak, please don't take it personal. Time for each of us is a little difficult. Thanks. |
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I have had to do some rethinking of myself lately. I have gone by the "label" of submissive because I was afraid of the term slave. I don't believe I fully understand what that means still. But I believe slave is what I am and that I will eventually learn what it means to me. I won't fear the term, but embrace it.
In the past, I sought out those who were more interested in the submissive, not the slave, because I didn't think that is where I belonged. But I have always felt something lacking there. It's one thing to be dominated, but it is something completely different to be mastered.
That's what I want. To be mastered. |
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Lovely...Bell's Palsy...
Now, not only do I feel like a freak. I look like one too. |
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MMMM Yum! Now I'm recalling what it is I've been missing. Simply cannot let that happen again. |
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We should learn from our past. Take those mistakes we have made and turn them into positives to better our future.
What do you do when one mistake that was made was pointless and now holds no meaning? Do you let it go? Do you try to right what was wrong?
Mistakes we make when we are not fully aware of the situation make us look like fools. I can forgive the one who made the mistake easily enough. But the one who withheld the information. Isn't that where the blame should now lay? Or should there be such blame when you find out the truth over a year later.
This mistake has affected my life so intricately and to have the knowledge that it could have been avoided all together had someone done the right thing and spoke up angers me beyond all belief.
I thought I was content standing still. But now I am motivated to to take a stance and stand up for myself. Maybe this is just the kick in the right direction I need. |
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Enjoying getting to know my new home. Lots of things to distract me from my ownself at times. Strange being here at the same time. It's where I knew I'd end up but not quite how I thought. Life is strange. |
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Well. That didn't work either. |
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I have finally come to accept that what I thought to be reality was an illusion. No, that's not right, it was a taste of what I want from reality. A glimpse of what could be in better circumstances.
In the last month, I've finally come to terms with the situation I'm in and am learning to enjoy more and more of what is available for me.
Recently, I have come into contact with a play partner. Nothing heavy, no commitments, just play. SHE and I share interest in the same man. It's strange to be doing this once again. But it feels different this time.
Life is short, and is meant to be a series of experiences, both good and bad. I'm going to see what this experience turns out to be and where it leads me from here.
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Why is it so hard to move? I feel like I've been sitting here forever and I want to move. But everything feels so heavy and listless. Understanding and acceptance is painful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I can no longer stand in this spot, like a sentry, waiting. As it was put to me this weekend, pushing away and walking away are exactly the same thing, just in opposite directions.
Le sigh |
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Sometimes, we are most submissive when we cannot be submissive at all. |
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If you stare at it long enough into the looking glass, you will begin to see what is really there and not what you want to. I think I have stared long enough. I've gotten beyond the surface and peered into the truth.
It's not nearly as pretty as the surface.
But the truth has it's own appeal. There's comfort and maybe even understanding to be found. It doesn't really lessen the hurt because I wanted to believe what the surface had to show. And the truth lends itself to a new heartbreak all it's own.
It would be so easy to just go back to gazing at the surface. Smiling at the reflection I see. Pretending the truth isn't there. That this false beauty really holds much more depth than it does. That is far more pleasant than what lies beneath.
Maybe, maybe if I don't shy away from this truth....maybe if I force myself to look upon it, I can find the beauty within. I can grow to even desire the truth and possibly come to acceptance of it. After all, it's not a totally hideous creature, this truth. It was once as delicate and captivating as an early spring blossom. And all flowers have their seasons. Everything, everyone has their good side and their bad.
So, I'll keep looking at it. From all angles. I'll wince from the pain and let the tears flow. And somewhere along the way, I'll call it my own and when I look into that looking glass, the reflection I see will be of the whole....the surface and the truth. And I will marvel at it's beauty |
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| Age: 25 |
| Manchester,
United Kingdom |
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