To be brave is to love someone

unconditionally, without expecting anything

in return. To just give. That takes courage,

because we don't want to fall on our faces or

leave ourselves open to hurt.

Madonna

, O Magazine, January 2004

Desire summons Life Force. If we must continue to be alive, we must continue to have new desire. You are not willing to let yourself outrageously want because when you outrageously want something that you haven't found a way of getting, it is too uncomfortable, and the risk feels too great. We're wanting you to hear that there is no risk at all! Fantasize and watch what happens.

-- Abraham

"Do you have to change your vibration on a particular subject in order to let it in?" No, you don't. You could pet your pet and let it in. You could sit with your feet dangling in the bay, and let it in. If it is a subject that you often think of in an attitude of resistance, it is really worthwhile reaching for some thoughts that feel better. You could launch an intention and never think about it again, and the Universe would yield it to you. You don't have to clean up your vibration relative to anything, if you can just not think about it any more. That's why we teach meditation. It's easier to teach you to have no thought than to have pure positive thought. When you quiet your mind you stop thought; when you stop thought you stop resistance; when you stop resistance--then you are in a state of allowing.

--- Abraham

Another reason to meditate.

In order to help someone who's in a very different vibrational frequency, you've got to adjust your vibrational frequency so that they can hear you. And if we were standing in your physical shoes, we would not adjust our vibrational frequency down—ever. We would not introduce more resistance in our vibration for any reason whatsoever, because disconnecting yourself from resources does not give them more to eat.

--- Abraham

I definitely need to read this and remember it.

There is not a source of not Well-being. There is not a source of sickness. There is just the disallowance of wellness. In every particle of the Universe there is that which is wanted and lack of it.

--- Abraham

When we first come into this lifestyle, do we, as submissives, expect perfection from our men. We are to honor and obey, love and respect. Does that mean we believe they are not human?

In my mind a Master or Dom etc. is a human being capable of mistakes, as we all are. What makes a man a Master is his understanding that making mistakes is part of growing and learning. Not only for Himself but for his submissive as well.

Mistakes are not a sign of weakness, especially when admitting it. I have so much more respect for someone if they admit a mistake, apologize and simply move on from it.

I was not raised to understand mistakes are ok and are a form of learning. It has only been the past few years that i have begun to understand this.

Imagine my shock the first time a Dominant made a mistake and apologized to me. gasp

Life is about never ending learning. The idea is to learn from our errors and not commit the same ones over and over again. If we do, then we are not learning at all.

Isn't this wonderful role modeling as well? What better way to teach our loved ones, submissives and everyone.

What a heart warming experience to see the One we give our heart to, be able to understand that, yes, He makes mistakes but He also realizes that it is ok.

Once more He shows the world He is human and does have His flaws, as we all do.

  Tallyho,
    The Universe

As i read my message from the universe, i thought omg, someone is watching me. I am the definition of realism. In my past i never let myself be creative. I always said to others, i'm not creative, i have no imagination, role play what in the hell is role play. lol

I now realized that i have dimmed my own resources by my thinking. I'm working on it. Being able to write is something i didn't do for years because i thought no one cares, i'm not interesting.

Maybe i'm not, but i enjoy the writing and i do get a comment now and then.

I'm learning to use my imagination and may even consider role play now and then. With His permission of course. (smile)

I have always considered myself to be the realist, often wishing to be otherwise, hoping that i could just for one time, want and believe something that wasn't realistic.

I did this, Master is a long distance from me, but i believed, i imagined, i wanted, and i got.

As i read it blogs oh so long ago, i thought what a wonderful man. He seems to speak to me somehow. Now we speak daily, and often more then once.

A week or so ago, i had a "light bulb" moment and was able to discuss it with one of my beautiful sisters.

She and i were taking about what sub/slaves etc. may assume to be expected when they first begin this lifestyle journey.

i expressed that i wished i understood that i could bottom to people. Yet, part of in my mind was that i had to have the whole package immediately. i now have an understanding that where even bottoming to someone there must be trust and knowledge of each other, there does not have to be promise of a future.

Often, during a first meet i would be intimate in some way with Him. It wasn't always because i had a desire to do so. In my mind, it was what i was suppose to do as a submissive. I now understand that these types of expectations were from those that focus on the sex/play aspect of the whole idea.

My needs and desires come from the D/s part of this. Something that i have recently realized. Because of how i started, sex, play and D/s where all entangled. This was not because of things i was told, it was how i understood it and never thought to think of it differently.

Because my physical needs were not met on a regular basis, i would often met up with someone, with the idea of "seeing how things will go" only to be disappointed as play and/or sex was expected. More often then not, there was sex, promise of more and never hearing from him again. Which left me feeling used - not in the good sense.

All of this comes to my mind as i'm meeting new people to the lifestyle. If i'm asked how i began, i wouldn't go into detail so much as to tell them what i believe now. i would tell them to

1. know yourself. i'm not saying no fun until you do, i'm saying be careful, ask questions, read and communicate. Remember this is for "you".

2. Submissives/slaves are strong people. NO ONE has the right to ask you to submit in any way shape or form, unless there is an agreement or collar.

I have often heard that submission is a gift. i tend to believe that. I also believe that Dominance is a gift given as well. If He cares enough to want to truly "care" for me then i submit. Others may not agree but it is how i understand it.

Often i have been told that i'm not a submissive because i do not have the desire to submit all of the time to anyone.

During my walk this am, i was thinking of a conversation i had earlier today with a Dominant. During a play session he pushed buttons that i didn't understand. In fact, i didn't understand them to be buttons at all. I had simply thought that i wasn't meeting his expectations partly because we didn't know each other very well.

Then my thoughts went to a man i met not so long ago. Not into bdsm, yet a strong man. This man and i never went any further then a first meeting, with no physical contact.

I realized two things this morning, first, this man had put me up on a pedestal. He was going to treat me like a fraglie doll. In my past, this is what happened and for a long time i accepted it - though it took me a long time to realize i don't like it. Of course i like to be pampered and spoiled, but i need more.

What i look for is someone to push my limits - more then anything else. Someone to take the control as i don't give it up easily. Just now - i realize this!!

i appear quiet and weak, but inside i hang on very tightly. Perhaps, i have got this all wrong - perhaps it is more a strength to give up my control. i do realize to be true and also realize i do not have that control or the ability to give that control to someone else even for short periods of time.

Yet very seldom does anyone push any buttons or limits mostly because we don't get to know each other enough as i move on or "run".

That would mean that i ran when i should have stayed and taken some time to think things through.

Out of this i do have another friend, yet i do wonder how we may have grown as a Dominant and submissive.

The thoughts are starting to sort themselves out. I am now better able to put my feelings into words. I can now look back on the ceremony with fondness. I'm still not sure why I didn't feel the joy I felt I should have had, or imagined i would have when it happened.

I have learned a few things.

1. I am not good with intensity in the very beginning. Intensity is something i need to approach slowly. The beginning of a relationship needs to be on the casual side until I feel comfortable. I am able and have asked for more control once I felt comfortable.

2. Any new relationship must start on a positive note. If I'm faced with the idea of punishments from the beginning, then I begin to feel as if I have failed.

3. Pain for me is punishment. I read and see how so many enjoy the pain. I have been to the pain/pleasure space, yet seldom do I get there. It's not something that can usually be planned. It takes much build up. Its beautiful if i can get there, yet its not something i can control.

4. I have been trying to be what others want. Consequently each time I looking at a new potential relationship, I try to become what He wants. I realize part of this is because I'm still not sure of me. So the next time I'm asked what I need, my answer will be "I'm working on it"

5. Last but not least, I have a bad habit of not paying attention to detail. This has been an on going issue in my life for years. It has answered many questions for me. Sir, this i thank You for.

Still so much to do....

What is it that defines us. It is us of course. But what if we are not sure what or who we are. I have been told that who we are with does not define who we are with. People keep saying this to me. They must see something i don't.

That was an absolute load of crap !. I see it too! i just don't know how to change it.

I have also been told that i have a brightness about me. I do not understand what is meant by this. Perhaps, if i did, i could focus more on that.

One thing i have learned and without a doubt, is that i am not punishment motivated. I often feel that i am "bad", so punishment just escalates the negative ideas i have of myself.

I have never done well in situations where there are too many choices to make. BDSM is far too many choices for my comfort. Likely one large reason i'm having such a struggle.

I feel the more i learn about myself, the more confused i become. As time goes on i realiz how important it is for parents to teach their children how to think and solve their own problems. Thought processing is so important. I hope by some strange miracle that i have been teaching this to my children.

I know i have come a long way. I have been journaling for 2 years and i often read back. Howevever; i feel each time i learn something there is another new obstacle to overcome.

How i need guidance. Not a D/s relationship persa, just someone to guide me. To get to know me. To learn to unerstand me, and to steer me to see things in a different light. Perhaps this is what i have needed all along.

I believe all along this is what i have been searching for. I just assumed it had to be sexually based. I don't need sex lessons however.

It has taken me a long time to understand this about myself. It was very hard admitting it to myself as I have been rather obsessive searching for my someone special.

I read so much about partners finding their mates and relationships ending.

I realized the other day that each time I read how a couple has found each other, the first thought that comes into my mind is "what will you do when he leaves you". It frightens me as I realize I won't be able to give myself totally to anyone until I work through these fears. But how do I work through them?

I understand submitting on the surface (that that in itself took a long time - live in the moment). Its almost like I'm an onion (stealing from Shrek - lol)I am able to shred my outside skin, yet won't go any deeper. It could be that I haven't found the right one yet. Yet I wonder and I fear that if/when I do, will I be able to shed enough of my layers to prove myself. Will he be a strong enough man to prove himself first, if this is what it takes.

I have been so fearful of truly opening up to anyone to be hurt again. I have come a long way. I can feel the difference from the inside, yet all my reading and self study still has left me with intense fears for an emotional binding relationship.

On the good side. I am enjoying my casual time with partners much more now. I can get the companionship, the sex and play that I desire. Where I do crave so much more. I don't seem to be ready for it yet. Maybe I won't be in this life time. Those words just brought tears to my eyes. However; it is something I must face.

But, I did have an awesome time yesterday. Thank you.

whisper

I have been asked a number of times, what is it i wish to let go. At this moment, i believe it to be anger. I'm so angry with myself for being such a fucking idiot - AGAIN.

Or maybe i just need a good beating so that i won't repeat bad behaviors again - no, not bad STUPID.

Maybe i'm hanging onto anger towards myself. i forgive everyone else, except "me". Maybe thats it - to forgive myself for being such a FUCKING idiot.

In times of my life when I'm struggling because I have lost part of myself I will read books about self exploration. I have been reading Dyer for a few years now.

I often find when I first want to begin reading, I seem to struggle with myself to find/make time to read. So, as I first wrote this in long hand, I was sitting in a McDonald's at 8am this morning. I had coffee by my side, book and journal in front of me and pen in hand.

Dyer writes that everything, including us, is made up of energy. The struggle is to keep the energy flow open to not block the flow - which is positive unless we block it with negative.

When we maintain the free flow of this energy, positive things happen in our ife and we are able to keep this flow open by positive thinking. In believing what we want will happen and acting as if it has happened, helps to keep the flow open we are more likey to achieve.

Dyer says what ever energies we send into the universe will come back to us, negative or positive. Believe me in the midst of depression it is so hard to find the positive.

My struggle now is to find my center again. Open up the positive energy flow and function in my day to day life as I know I can.

I am seeing that I have moved away from spirit - let my positive energy flow be blocked by ego and negative thoughts. I have had very angry thoughts towards a couple of people. It is time to let it go.

Condeming behavior is also moving away from spirit. I have so lost my spirit in the last year or so. It is the reason for my struggles. It is the reason I am losing one of my girls. I don't know if i can change that, but starting today I'm going to try and heal that part of my life. Already I feel the positive energy starting to flow.

Dyer suggests starting each day by aligning ourselves with our goals. Remind ourselves what we need to do to keep the positive flowing. To learn how to catch ourselves when the negative and the ego start to interfere with our spirit.

He also suggests dedicating ourselves to something that effects an awareness of your Devinity. I have done this with my children. I do this by not only guiding and directing them, when i can and standing back when necessary. This also helps to learn more about myself while showing them that we all learn from each other.

I feel better!

As hard as it is, the best thing i can do is try very hard to give Him the space He needs. It is so difficult when you feel you have found the One. When you have watched somone, and just knew on the inside that He would be what you have been looking for. The hardest part to this is that for the short time W/we were together, He was all i thought He could be.

Now, He needs time to decide what He wants for his future. He said "don't wait, that wouldn't be fair for you". i feel i must wait, at least for a little while. i have no desire to be touched or loved by anyone else.

i will try my hardest to be patient, keep my distance, love You from afar.

But know this, i am here.

Last evening...
I have this urge to write. I'm not sure what. My new book explains this as "inspiration". The only way to get it out is to give into it. Get in line with the energy, let it flow through.

I get frustrated with blogging because i worry about saying the same things over and over again. I have the same feelings over and over again. I suppose that is normal when trying to heal one's heart and figure out the mind.

I sometimes wish i was a child and someone would tell me what to do. Wouldn't that be so easy.

I'm in my car with it running waiting for my girls to finish dance class. Had it confirmed earlier today that my one girl will be leaving us. She is a friend of my youngest that i took in because she lost both her parents and no other family would commit to her. She has been with us for a year now. Only 16, she has decided she is old enough to live with her boyfriend and his family.

I'm frustrated because she is so young and her boyfriend is such a controller. She is afraid of loosing someone again, so she listens to him and takes his verbal abuse.

I made so many changes to my home to accommodate her. I would do it again of course, yet it upsets my whole family. My youngest has opened up her heart, shared her personal space and her mom. In the beginning it was even necessary to share her clothes. I hope she is ok with the changes that i will have to make, once again, to make ends meet.

Every so often i feel some of my old strength coming back. I haven't felt it in over a year. Nice to know it is still there. Just peaking around the corner now and then, but still there.

Well, time to pick up my young ladies and head home.

i've been thinking most of the night. Each time i wake up i ask myself if i could be His submissive. Not in a poly sense. His wife cannot be submissive to Him. i know this is a big reason for the conflict in the relationship. She is not comfortable unless she has the control.

i know she wants Him back in her home as her husband. i know these issues will come up again. SAD or not.

i want His control and His dominance. She is welcome to the husband part because i'm not ready for that sort of relationship. i desire to meet His needs as a Dominant. i would be honoured to wear His collar knowing that He would never totally be mine.

These are thoughts i have had in the back of my mind and i have been afraid to bring them to the surface. Mostly because Sir reads my blogs. But it is said.

Relationships are about compromise.

Finally at 4:30 i was able to sleep until the alarm went off.

Now, the pile of garbage to go to the dump is another story - not to mention the couch on my front lawn, which we won't mention

i felt restless and anxious through the evening but managed it without meds.

Sir and i did end up chatting a bit on line last night. i am glad He and is mrs are taking steps to work on things before He goes home.

i confirmed with Him that He would act as my guide and mentor, and be under His protection. He agreed. i know it will cause more tention, truly she has nothing to worry about.

In the past when i have had a relationship go wrong my first impulse is to find someone one to try and fill the void immediately. Of course what i'm looking for and what others are looking for are often very different. i no longer enjoy sex, just for the sex. i need the emotion as well. When i don't get it, it tends to push me further into depression.

Having His protection helps to keep me on track. i need that right now.

At the moment i don't feel anything. i had a good cry earier. Now there is nothingness, and i'm glad.

i am so stressed by so many things going on in my life right now, with the lack of finances and know how to take care of them. Energy has been a big factor as well fo the past year. i have felt some of that returning lately.

i'm in the process of changing cars. My dear sweet brother is giving me his old car as he has bought his first new one. How cute he is with it.

With some financial changes going on here i may again have to rent out part of my home to maintain it. i'm so very tired of moving things around. My oldest won't be happy as that means she will be in a very small room. However; hopefully, she will be off to school next fall and i'm hoping there will be big positive changes for her.

Secondly, dead beat ex has decided that he has some personal financial issues that are more important then paying child support. So, off to court i go, tripping along as i can't afford a lawyer. i don't get why he thinks it is money for me and not his daughter.

i have promised to start doing some work on the house. Today my young ladies and i will start clearing out the basement (they don't know this yet - surprise). i need to make some room down there incase i need to store some of my stuff down there.

Lately, thoughts of selling my house have come to the surface. i am so tired of the constant worry and stress. So much needs to be done and i'm over whelmed. An apartment looks very nice these days.

i think i'm just tired and frustrated these days. There always seems as if there is so many to care for and so much to do.

My 50th birthday is approaching. i am bothered by it, i don't think it is because i'll be older i think it is because i don't have anyone special to share it with. Maybe i should invite a bunch of people to my fav bar and have a bash for myself.

Yes, i know this sounds like a pity party. We all need one now and then, and once again, it will pass.

Thanks for listening.

Well, thats it.

i can't bring much more then that to the surface right now. i will see Him around. i have no hard feelings. i have nothing but the greatest respect for Him.

It was a wonderful short time. He is all that i always thought He would be. i hope He and His Mrs figure things out.

i love You my Sir.

i have just had a brief discussion with my sister. She is very happy in a relatively new relationship. Of course i didn't have good news about mine. Tomorrow is Easter and He was to meet some of my family. I have asked various family members to let it known i don't wish to discuss it at this time. i can't. Its too new and at the surface and i don't want to ruine a lovely day with family.

i try to make each visit with my parents special. They are 75 and each visit could be the last. i know, sounds kind of negative. i just want to appreciate each bit of time i'm with them, thats all.

My sister said something to be that Master said the other day as well. She said it its meant to be it will be, which i believe . Master mentioned the saying about freeing the bird. If it comes back it is Yours, it is dosen't it never way. i'm just not sure who the bird is here. Somewhat like the Serenity Prayer. Messages to be to relax and let the universe takes it course.

Something i don't feel i have. i seem to be desperately seeking. When something comes my way that i feel could be good, i jump at it. Too fast. Am i an optomist or a moron.

i feel lonely and vulnerable. Mostly i'm tired of this. i wish i could chalk it up to another lesson learned - haven't figured out what that is quite yet.

i need to get to a place i feel at peace. i have been searching for it a long time.

Does anyone have a map.

In thinking about this i truly can't say if i am/was His bandaid. W/we had watched each other from afar for quite sometime. When W/we did start talking it wasn't about U/us. i will admit i had an interest from the first time i had seen Him, yet kept it to myself as He was married and seemed happy.

Things have been a struggle for the last year or so for Him, so when He and i starting talking more often and intimately, it didn't take long to realize that W/we wanted to be together.

i made it clear that i could not be the "other" woman in His life. i would be His submissive, i would be His woman.

Now that He is on His own, He is having a terrible time with all of the changes in His life, which of course affect my life as well.

The best thing about this, is that out of my love for Him, i was able to let my ghost go. i only hope He dosen't become another one. i don't want to be His bandaid.

i believe what He may be focusing on now will be the likely hood of a new career position. i believe He will put all of his energy there. It is a way for Him to focus on something He has total control of.

In His own way He told me He won't have time for U/us. i will continue to live in hope that He will sort His life out and someday i will have a secured place in His life at His feet.

i will try my hardest to give Him the space He so desperately needs. i will continue to fight my fears of losing Him and never having Him as my Master again. i will try to keep these feeling away from Him. i don't know if i can but i will try.

i have much on my plate. i need the community involvement as i have found it helps my emotional state. It keeps me focused on myself and mine.

i do miss the physical release. It would be nice to have some regular play partners. People i trust and could get to know on that level.

i am learning to separate the sex from the physical play. From the start they have been a package deal. My heart won't let me be intimate in that way, but i yearn for the physical.

i miss the comfort of His arms and His protective nature.

The above words i had written earlier. i am now on my way to work in the midst of an anxiety and panic attack. Trying to focus on what i must do while knowing at this moment He is entertaining His ex and young one.

If i felt He may return home because He would have His needs met and will be happy, i would stand back. i know that is not the case. Even if it is not with me, i have begged Him not to return home just because it is famaliar.

Sometimes i have this feeling that i'm not awake. i will wake up and things will be ok.

Sigh. Starting to read a new book by Wayne Dyer. and reminding myself of the Serenity Prayer once again.

W/we talked.

No regrets for our past.

No promises for our future.

Yet something felt very good.

As i have just finished a conversation, it brought me back to a situation i faced last summer.

i had started talking to a Dominant that was in the process of leaving a long term marriage. He seemed to be handling things well until the physical move. He could no longer cope with having a submissive as He doubted his manhood, his dominance, his life.

Again, i am in that situation.

They seem to doubt themselves as being a man/Dominant. Is it because they feel they should have had control over their breaking marriages and feel less because they did not? It is out of frustration of wasted years?

It is hard enough leaving homes and all that is famaliar especially any young ones left behind, let a lone doubting their self worth as well.

It is more of an adjustment. It takes time to settle into a new life. Is it harder on them because they feel they should control all? I wonder.

As i have been reminded a number of time "Doms are human too". Give Yourself a break and stop beating on Yourself. Afterall, that is what i'm  here for

Sometimes i envy people that have their own private space. Totally one's own space to cry, scream in agony. With no one around to quesstion swollen eyes.

If only i could run away - just for a little while.

In Your mind my calling You Sir seemed to be less. i was very confused when You asked me to refrain from calling You Master as You thought i was struggling with my submission.

i was struggling with my submission, but not for the reasons You assumed.

You are not my Master. You are a Master in the truest sense of the word.

Our brief discussion earlier only confirmed my love for You and my respect for You.

i would be honored to be Your submissive again when/if You are ready.

Learning together is the truest form of TPE, don't You think.

i'm not sure who the author is, but it brought some deep thoughts to the surface for me.

Love is Patient, love is kind
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It is not proud. It is not rude.
It is not self seeking. It is not easily
angered. It keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with
truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always preserves.
Love never fails.

Until a few brief years ago, i had thought i had forgotten how to love. The first man i loved was my first lover my first husband. The first man i bore a little one for. He was my life. I breathed and made it through each day for him, for us.

Without a warning he left us. My little one was 2. I was devastated and wanted to die. Had it not been for my little one, I would have died. I would have seen to it.

Somehow i must have made some sort of secret pact with myself to not love or trust in that manner again. Which is the reason i had another failed marriage and a failed long term as well.

What i had started to do was build relationships on trust. No love as that was too hurtful. The only thing that held my 2nd marriage together for me was trust. He tore that apart by doing the only thing he could have. No, not have an affair. I had a 14 year old at the time. Is that explanation enough.

When my 2nd marriage failed, i realized i needed more. I lived each day as an empty shell. I was unhappy and i needed happiness. I deserved happines. My young ones needed to have that role modeled for them to help them in their journey.

I began to realize that i neded someone that was sure of himself. Somone that i could trust, totally trust, not only with myself, but with those that counted on me as well. Someone that could deal with my baggage, although until now i didn't realize that is part of what i'm looking for.

i fell in love again a couple of years ago. Somehow i didn't realize it until just before the relationship had ended. i again, wasn't prepared for the end, nor did i realize until it was too late that i had fallen in love. I had trusted.

Somehow i let it happen again. This time it seemed to happen so very quickly.

Yet, i have so much baggage from afar back as 30 years. Much that i didn't realize i was stil carrying around.

i had thought for years that i didn't deserve anyone special in my live until i dealt with all of this on my own. i know realize that is untrue. What i search for is someone that knows this - and more that is often still too pain to bring to the surface. Someone that realizes i want to move away from it. Be able to put it in a box and pack it away.

i know He is there. i even know who He is.

Now, it is His turn to mend.

He is a true protector. Through His own pain and searching, He does His best to support all of us.

i know He feels He may loose His family. He feels He has. i wonder how long she will keep cutting Him to watch Him bleed. i understand wanting to see someone hurt, that has hurt us in the past. When is enough, enough.

Is it wrong for us to search for what we need. No, its not right to continue hurting others in that search. Yet, don't we deserve to be happy.

Was i to look into His eyes and say "i can't get him out of my mind, and knowing that will You still love and guide me?" Should i have worded it this way instead of how i did.

You have often said i communicate so well. Apparently i'm a work in progress as i sure screwed this one up.

Anyway, with each day i am stronger to say that my ghost is gone. i only hope its not too late.

i am now struggling to pull myself together as my situation simply does not allow me to crumble. i will become strong again, i'm just now a cat in a corner figuring out my best direction.

meow

i'm tired of sharing my life with a ghost. i can't make him go away. My mind constanlty floats back to a year ago. i'm tired of living in the past. FUCK YOU AND GET OUT OF MY  HEAD. i wish i had never met him. What i got and learned from him has not been worth what i have lost.  i never thought i would admit that. i wish i could hate him. i have lost part of me and i can't find it.

i lost someone tonight A very special Dominant becuase i can't get rid of my ghost.

i have rambling thoughts and not able to pick any one out easily. i'm sure my thoughts and words will be all over the place. Yet, i know expressing them in any way is important.

As He is known in our community, i struggle with saying too many personal details. When He and i are out in the public, i do not wish to cause Him embarassment nor do i wish to cause humilitation to His ex wife either.

i know He and i will have a number of issues to contend with once W/we are seen as a couple. How He initially became aware of my wants and needs in BDSM. i had only told a few that He counselled me during a difficult break up i went through last year. Some will say He took advantage of me. i don't see that as W/we did not discuss intimate details until many, many months later. This well be the 3rd separation for He and His ex. There were many problems long before i came into the picture.

W/we both discussed the above a number of times. He did not take advantage of me nor am i the reason for His failed marriage. W/we have come to terms with these issues. yet, i know many will gossip. i truly and deeply feel He is what i have been searching for, for many years - even before i knew what it was i needed.

Sometimes i fear that He truly dosen't know me. Sometimes i feel that He wears rose colored glasses simply because i am so different from what He is used to. In my mind, this is all a dream as i don't deserve this kind of happiness.

Mostly, i fear for Him as the stresses He has on His plate now, may crush Him. Do i know Him well enough to provide the support He needs to guide Him through. i don't know. Yet, i do now that i love Him and will give it my best.

These days i feel very nuturing towards Him. Now, this in itself is not odd for me. What is odd is that as a drop of a dime i'm still able to submit to Him very deeply, very tenderly. i do not lose respect for Him. Seeing His vulnerabilites has only made Him stronger and more human in my eyes. i so love Him.

He may come to visit today. How romantic, just He and i and 4 young teenagers. lol. He enjoy my girls and i so love watching His interaction with them.

Possibly my anxiety and fears these days are more because i'm unable to see Him and hold Him when He cries. He so tries to be as supportive of "her" as He can. Yes, i know that sounds odd. But You would really need to know Him to be able to understand what He feels He must do.

i do hope He is able to come today. i have such a desire to sit by His feet and look deep into His eyes, to assure Him, i am His and He is loved.

i have been thinking about this for a long time. i just read a blog on it and i am glad to know that i'm not alone. About 2 years or so ago i discovered that beatings were a physical and emotional release for me. i kept it to myself for a long time, thinking i was a little odd. Unless i was struck in punishment, i enjoyed it.

i had never thought it was appropriate to ask for such release as i thought it was the Dominants decision to do it or not. i'm glad to read that some do ask for this kind of release.

Of course, i could have just asked anyway. nawwwww

i'm rather disappointed in myself about today. He was awesome as always. W/e shared much passion as usual. Yet, i feel i let Him down somehow.

It was our first exploration of play. i had a hard time getting into the mind set. i'm now wondering if it was because we were in a motel and that was a new experience for us. Geez, can't win. Can't play like that at home because of family and now the motel ? Just shoot me!!

Our play today was with floggers, knives (yep like those knives), and this annoying little stingy thing called pig tails. i'm sure there was a few more things but i can't remember what they were called.

It was awesome. It had been quite sometime since i had played. He will certainly push my limits. i have no doubts in that. It is the quiet seemingly gentle onces that you have to watch out for. [:)]

Sometimes i simply do not express things that i should or want to. i had been practicing some positions that He enjoys. i did think about showing Him a number of times, yet i did not. Finally He asked about them and i showed Him. i feel guilty because He is a Dominant that prefers submission to be given freely without asking. His mentioning it was even a surprise. He should not have had to ask.

i have dealt with this before. Why do i sometimes still hold back. i'm annoyed because this is the first time i have done this with Him. i had no hesitations when we were at my place. i'm not sure what holds me back. i must discover why so i don't continue this with my Master.

Oh yes, He bought me an absolutely beautiful outfit to wear when W/we start attending functions together. Our taste in clothes is very simiiar. He enjoys the dressie look as i do. As a Dominant i just assumed He wanted me dressed in less rather then more. Not so, unless we are alone of course.

i am rather sad that today ended. Maybe i'm feeling a little sub drop here. First play session and all. Oh well, W/we will have much more together.

W/we have only begun.

As i have just had a brief discussion with my Master, i'm feeling a little calmer about Monday. LOL That's a lie. But, i do understand where the feelings may be coming from.

Monday is our first play session. We are certainly not strangers. We have talked openly and often. We have been intimate both with our emotions and our bodies. i feel i know Him so well. In many ways we think very much alike.

i seem to have a fear of failing Him. i ask myself how could i possibly fail Him during a play session. Do i fear i will not be able to take enough pain for Him? Do i fear i will not be able to submit deeply enough for Him on that day?

Sigh. i don't know.

i am so very excited about our first play session next week. i have known him a long time, and i have seen Him play, in a sensual manner with outers. i am eager to explore this "other" side of Him.

i will certainly not make the same mistake and doubt there is another play side of Him. He assures me He does have a sadist in Him. i'm normally not into that so much, though i have learned that there is a time for such play, and it is the building of such that i crave.

i have an anticipation building in me. i know i will be so very nervous on that day. Odd, as we have talked extensively and explored sexually. Yet, i feel it rising, ever so slowly.

Possibly, one thing i am concerned about are some slave positions that He has asked me to study. i have read them numerous times and have practiced them and will continue to do do. However; with some newly found aches and pains, i feel like a clod getting in and out of them. Flowing from one to another - OH PLEASE!!. i have never felt so clumbsy in my whole life.

i always think and plan my movements. Seeming graceful to others has been important to me. How much so i am just learning. Something i have discovered since submissives/slaves are to move without thought when ordered. i think before hand, which of course takes time and appears to be disobedient.

He has been to my home often. Has met some family. Rather vanilla in view (grin). i am glad that He has decided to rent a motel room for this. i had expressed concern that i'm in "mom" mode in my home. Yes, i am submissive to Him around family, but i'm sure i could not get the mind set needed for physical play. i am so glad and thankful that He understand this.

Just another reason why i love You Master.

As i'm reading blogs, one brings buried thoughts to the surface. She blogged that she kept some feelings away from her Dominant to spare Him undue stress. Yet, in doing so let her mind build with negative feelings and thoughts.

i understand this to the core. As in all relationships there are always stresses. It is extremely difficult to maintain careers, family responsibilities, home chores and finally a love life. i have felt that His responsibility load is much heavier then mine. He has major issues to deal with in His private life, His career is very stressful these days and then of course the work schedule that we both have to dance around with.

Not long ago i would become so stressed about us (more so what the future may or may not hold for us) We talk about a future in some aspect daily. As we have all been through before, words just simply become words if we never see any action.

i felt i was not seeing any movement on His part. Yes, i  understood the situation He is in and i absolutely respect Him for the stand He has taken, yet i felt frightened and unsure. Should i continue to open up my heart and soul to this man, that so easily seemed to walk right into my life. Yet,

i held these feelings inside. i was afraid to tell Him how i felt. i didn't want to add more stress to His life. Consequently, it started to add stress to us. Of course at some point He knew something was up. However-He misunderstood. That wasn't good. Once i realized what He had thought were not my thoughts, we were able to straighten things out.

Of course, anyone who corresponds by IM on a regular basis knows how difficult it can be. Sometimes it is just simply better to wait until a face to face is possible.

i also remember reading in the past that when a submissive/slave holds back feelings, she is denying Him information that He has a right to. i also remember reading something in the Submissives Creed as well.

So, all in all. i need to remember is that He needs to know all. It adds stress when He knows something is wrong and i don't vocalize it. Now that i'm thinking about it, if i realized He was holding things back, i would want to know as well.

First and foremost, this is a relationship and there must be communication.

He has been asking me for my measurements. i had been avoiding giving that information. It's not as if i'm hiding anything, He has seen all. yet, i put it off and avoided the subject as much as i could. He had mentioned a number of times that He wanted to purchase something in leather for me to wear. He even showed me some very beautiful items.

As we were looking together, i commented on style, size etc. Evidently, He purchased a beautiful Chinese style dress for me. Of course it will be a bit too small. i feel so bad because the item is non returnable.

i'm not sure if i'm more  pissed off because of my lack of comfort in giving up this information to Him, or if i'm pissed off because He is spending money on me and because of me - it is wasted. We did discuss this last evening and He did come up with a solution - which i love. Yet, i feel so damn guilty. And while its on my mind why is He so damn forgiving.

Just before Christmas, He gave me a lovely necklace to wear for Him. Its beautiful. i love it and often touch it when i'm missing Him. i was ok with that. i expressed to Him that in general i'm uncomfortable with someone buying me items - just because. i can accept gifts for specific reason xmas etc, but have a hard time accepting them otherwise. i understand His desire to do this as i enjoy doing it too. As silly as this is going to sound, i have never been comfortable enough before to give a gift just because i enjoy it. i was able to randomly buy him a rather silly gift. He loved it.

Am i feeling guilty because i lacked this trust. How silly that i trust Him with my heart, mind and soul - but not my body measurements. OH FOR PETE SAKES, !!!

And as for the forgiveness issue. i have read a number of times that submissives often need to be punished to be able to forgive themselves. Of course some of us do enjoy the physical punishment - just because. So far our journey has been based on getting to know each others heart and mind. The D/s is slowly becoming the focus and im enjoying it.

A LIGHT BULB MOMENT! i'm wondering if i'm guilty that i have caused more stress for Him because He is dealing with issues at home as well. How difficult it is for me sometimes to remember that He not only has a situation at home to work on, He also has a submissive that has to constantly remind herself that He needs her patience. And He needs her to be there for Him.

In my past, when i had to be the strong one for any reason, any kind of submission would quickly go right out the window. It seems i'm able to be supportive as i can, and still feel submissive to Him. Its a new feeling for me. Perhaps, part of my struggle these days.

The only thing i am absolutely sure about is that He is my Master and i am His submissive. i am able to, without thought or guilt, submit to Him in ways i have never thought possible.

Each time He is here, i touch Him, i caress His face and lips, i look into His eyes. He is real and He is mine, yet, its still hard to believe for me. i have been searching for so long. Now when i tell friends to never give up, i can mean it from the bottom of my heart.

In my mind a slave was someone that waitied on somone hand and foot. As a "slave" to a vanilla husband for a number of years, i had made up my mind not to do that again. i now believe that serving as ones slave is a deeper journey. For me, it is a level to grow towards.

i call You Master because i feel our journey growing deeper. Though we have known of each other for awhile now, it has only been recenlty that we have discovered each other and how well we connect.

i feel that i have known You for so very long. What You have done from the very beginning is open Yourself up to me. You didn't expect me to open up first because i was the submissive and You the Dominant. You took the chance first and You opened up. i'm not used to that. It caught me off guard yet warmed my heart towards You.

You are my Master, You are also a warm loving man. You understand my need to continue growing and learning. You understand my desire to grow and learn with You. Together we will learn and grow together.

i have waves of emotion for You. Sometimes it is to kiss You deeply and passionately and sometimes it is to kneel at Your feet and look into Your eyes. How i desire You as a whole man, my man, my Master.

Have i answered Your question?

It is now just after 10 pm. i'm home and preparing for bed. As i sit here typing this, i look out the window. Not near as pretty as earlier, but still very beautiful white snow. So clean and fresh.

He has calmed many fears today, as i just now realized.

Thank You. i do love You.

Again i'm having issues with my lack of patience. So very easy to preach it, yet another totally different issue to live it. I'm very patient for everything except what has to do with me. i need to learn to enjoy and focus on the moment.

Enjoy the moment, hold it and nuture it.

Ok, i'm off to read The Serenity Prayer - again, many times over and over again.

i love You and thank You for Your patience.

How my heart and head are so full of You. i do love You and how good it feels to be able to express it so openly. It seems i am never able to get my fill of You. Patience, i remind myself, patience.

i am so eager to begin our life as man and woman, lovers and most important Dominant and submissive. How i need Your Dominance. How i ache to be Yours so that all can see and know. How i wish to learn to fill those sadistic desires You mention now and then.

i feel as if i am floating. i feel that i have many feelings that i can't label as yet. i know they are there, yet i'm unable to bring them to the surface. i am afraid they will disappear if i'm not able to express them. Why, i'm not sure.

i feel this state of mind has been brought on by the news You gave me earlier. As i  often try to put myself in others shoes to understand them, their feelings, i can't help feeling that she must be crushed. Yet, You don't see anything. i feel so sad for her. i don't understand why. i often tell myself that i am able to give You what you need. She has had many years and is still not able to do so. i don't feel guilty. i feel sorry for her. i feel she does not totally understand what she is throwing away.

Hearing this news from Him has strengthened my desire to be His at a New Years party He is attending. i know it is not possible for this year. i know soon we will have many New Years and many opportunities to be His submissive publically. Childishly i have this fear that something will happen and we will never experience our life as one.

Again, i remind myself of patience.

More on TPE

Many thoughts running through my mind in regards to the tasks You have asked of me. Still not sure what more to say about TPE as i'm learning from You a different idea of what it is. i just know that so far it is not what i expecte.i didn't expect it to be a two sided relationship. i expected to give up all my control and hand it all over to You. Plain and simple without any discussion of what it was/or is to each of us. Rather silly now that i think of it.

i now see it more as a way of meetings each others needs and expressing desires. Not just for the Dominant or submissive, but for both as a couple. i have trust that You will guide me and help me grow. i know there will be times that You push me and even if i have doubts, You will still be there.

i do have a fear that has cropped up in a number of thoughts. In our future we hope to reside together. i fear my failure, not in Your Dominance. i fear i will have difficulty with my submission in my home life as all my past live in/marriages i was the controller. i fear i won't be able to submit in the manner  You and i need and desire to meet our needs.

Oh well, time will tell.

In talking with You and getting to know Your beliefs, Your strengths, Your weaknesses and Your heart, it has enabled me to open myself not only my body but also my mind and heart. Because You showed me Your vulnerabiities, i was free to show mine. Though You are my Dominant, my Master You were confidenct enough to open Yourself up to me.

When i think of You, i always vision myself at Your feet, looking up into Your eyes. When i see You, i just want to touch You. To make sure You are real.

My submission blooms for You because You are able to speak to my mind, body and heart. i do not feel weak in speaking of my vulverabilities. i know You are aware of the harm done if this information W/we share with each other is used against each other. i trust You. i love You. i submit to You. i need to please You.

Your Dominance demands me to submit, and You needen't say a word. How i struggle to find the words to explain myself. i hope i have pleased You.

i know why i can't sleep - again. Awake at 4, up at 5, now its 6:30. I'm doing something i never thought i would be able to do, and that is totally submit to a married man. I had myself convinced that i couldn't open myself up that much because there is basically little to no future as i have always thought it should be.

i have been aware of Him since i attended the first play party He was attending. I sat quietly (oh, what a surprise)taking a peek now and then and listening to His words. He sounded so wordly, serious of the world and lifestyle He so passionately envelopes. From that time on i always wondered if He would be at events. But i kept it to myself as He was married and i was still unsure of my needs. I guess that brings the next thought to the surface. I'm not sure if my needs have changed or if i just understand them more.

Yes, i still have the dream of growing old with somone. I so love watching the elderly couples. How they care of each other even though they can barely care for them selves. How sweet, dedicated and in love they are after so many years. Often brings tears to my eyes when i see it at work. I do know that this feeling i have, this need to submit to Him has never been this strong.

A very short time ago He confessed that He also feels very strongly about me as well. At first i thought He was teasing me, as i can be a bit of a flirt. As i thought about How i understand Him to be - He was not teasing so much as testing the waters. Though we have seen each other often at public events, our first meet as Dominant and submissive is in the very near future. I strongly feel the excitement and anxiety building. I so worry i will be too nervous. I don't want to be so nervous that i can't function the way i want to, the way i need to.

To touch His face, look into His eyes, oh yes, and that first oh so passionate kiss and finally to hear Him say "you are Mine"

my email:
 
i very strongly feel that delaying our first meet is harmful to U/us - especially using it as a punishment. i clearly do not understand what Your expectations are. i do strongly feel that You are seeking a slave rather then a submissive. i am a submissive. i do believe that a relationship can grow and become as deep as Master/slave, however; for me, it is something that must happen in time.
 
As i struggle to keep my thoughts open to You, it is almost impossible now as i have pulled back to protect myself. i fear that if You use this method of punishment in the future, that i will be unable to deal with it in a realistic manner. i do need someone that understands that is not realistic for me. When i crash, it not only effects myself but also my children. i simply won't let You get that close. i need someone to compliment me and someone i know will be there for me. i need to be able to submit to someone knowing that my mistakes will be seen as lessons needed to be learned, not necessarily as reasons for punishments.
 
Abandonment is simply not a tool to be used against me. i do apologize for not expressing this earlier. Then again, i have just learned that this is not an option for me and i can no longer participate in it.
 
i fear that You and i may not be a well suited as i had first hoped for. Perhaps i need to think of ways to better express myself. i know that negotiation is an area i fail at miserably.

His Response:

This has been a learning experience for both of us.  The separation was not meant to be an abandonment; but it had that impact for you. That certainly was not my intent.  It was meant to be a time of relection and slight contrition.  Very little of which occurred because of your strong emotional reaction.
 
Regardless, it has made us both think that we may not be the fit we thought we could be.  With that, I will express my apology for causing you such distress in these last few days - and extend my best wishes to you in your search for a compatible Dom.  You are a special woman who deserves a special Master.  I also wish that you and your family are filled with the spirit of this season and greatly enjoy all that it brings.
 

It annoys me to no end when a Dominant uses "abandoment" as a means of punishment. Especially when W/we have not even met. As i spoke curtly to Him the other night, i am being punished for it. i was asked to email Him with daily activities and feelings. First it was until Monday. Then in my email, is a note from Him telling me He feels i am moking Him and not taking this seriously and We will not talk until Wednesday?

All that has happened to me is that this has alerted my self protection mode. He does not understand, i am used to being abandoned. During 2 of my 3 pregnancies my partner tried to walk away. One as a punishment as apparently i was too "hormonal"- ass hole. And the other because "i was better of without him" - double ass hole. What - does something in my persona encourage this from others. The whole world must see that this is a "button" for me.

This brings back so much pain from my past. Definitely something that needs to be dealt with, but i simply do not understand how to lie it to rest. Especially when others continue to use it against me without evening knowing.

i am so angry that i could cry. i'm not sure how to express this to Him without being disrespectful again.

So much hs been happening to me in the last few weeks. I have been talking to a Dominant that i seem to connect with very well. I will refer to Him as "Z". We had chatted a number of weeks before and somehow i had given Him the impression that i was under consideration to somone one else. So, being the gentleman that He is, He politely moved on. The reason He gave me at the time seemed rather lame. However; i moved on.
 
A week or so later, as we were saying hello, we got on the subject. As i was a little annoyed i asked if He was able to explain to me why He seemed to suddenly change His mind. Usually this question gets me a very quick good-bye. Not this Sir. He asked to call me so that W/we could discuss it. From that time forward, W/we have committed to only speak of intimacies with each other. Nothing excites me so much and brings out my submissive needs more then a Sir that oozes His control even on line.

Now at the same time this is going on. A Sir within the circle i'm involved with, and whom i have had a secret admiration for from the first time i seen Him, expressed to me that He has a strong desire for me as well. I will refer to Him as "F". Sir "F" and i have a very strong bond as He helped guide me through a very difficult learning period in my life. So of course He knows some very personal things about me. In turn i had the priviledge of learning more of Him as a man in general and His firm beliefs within the D/s realm.

My mind has been a tight spinning ball of emotion. I have a need to be owned fully as only "Z" can provide. Yet, i am so drawn to both of them.

However all of this intimate dialogue has left me feeling as if i'm being deceitful. It has taken me years to understand myself well enough to be able to understand what submission to me feels like, taken years to be able to open up enough to prove myself, yet not give all i am away immediately. Years to finally connect with someone - now, i have this connection with two.
 
Through this turnoil i remembered two things. First, a promise that i made to always be honest and truthful and secondly, a promise to myself to not ignore my end goal, and not to settle for less then i deserve. With remembering these two things i did something that was vey difficult for me to do. I gently told "F" that i have so long admired and had many fantacies about, that i am only able to have a platonic friendship with Him.

What a thing to say to a Dominant!!!

Needless to say, the strongest thing in my mind for Him today is that i hope He is not mad at me as i'm still the little girl that needs constant approval. OMG, i hate the sound of that!!!

Good Morning Sir

It is almost 5:30 and my mind is a ball of spinning thoughts and desires. My thoughts range from a gentle caresses on my cheek and a searching look deep within Your eyes, to being pinned against a wall and fucked harshly, taken against my will. i am truly a romantic, submissive slut. i so desire to make You proud of me and to be given the chance to please You. Not just to please Your physical desires to also satisfy Your emotional needs.

As i sit here i vision You giving Your presentation today. i picture You standing in a boardroom in front of Your peers. Strong and confident. Your lack of sleep has not caught up with You yet as Your adrenaline is racing high. i imagine You standing tall and proud. Dressed in a suite. Did i mentioned that i soooo love a man in a suit. Oh my, that vision is absolutely yummy. (Let me tell You i really have conflicting thoughts at funerals - and such an odd sense of humour)

Big sigh, ok i'm off to doing something productive. i'm not sure what one does that is productive at 5:30 am. lol

Until later my Sir

Your pet

The city i'm in has a tree lightening ceremony each year. The city has a huge tree downtown that is lit and decorated each year. The night the lights are turned on is a downtown celebration. We all gather sing xmas carols, light candles, watch as carollers parade around and just enjoy.

As much as i enjoy watching my family this time of year, i feel very lonely as well. How i wish for someone special to have this time with. To hold hands while i'm enjoying the lights and the songs. To enjoy the festive lighting. To walk in the park and enjoy all of the light displays, a sleigh ride through the park, hot chocolate.

How lovely it is in my mind.
Maybe next year.

I'm almost afraid to even admit that i'm talking to someone new - again. We have only chatted a couple of times, but so far so good. Have to start somewhere. Some good points - gainfully employed, lives on his own, lives close to his mom and helps her out, has grown children and enjoy munches and play parties.

So, off to a good start.

Maybe i'm generalizing here, but i feel that white collar workers put their careers at the top of their priority. They seem to expect to find a "part time" kind of D/s relationship. I don't understand totally opening yourself up and then packing that up for when he has time for it.

Honestly, i'm a full time submissive. All i want is a full time Dominant.

Big sigh - i am often drawn to the man in a suit. I can smell then out. lol

I am getting smart though, i tell them if they are not prepared to make time for me, then they are not ready for me. That certainly gets their attention. lol

I have been in contact with a Dominant from the Kingston area. We have chatted on and off for a number of years. W/we have played twice. i simply think He is such a true Dominant in the purest form. W/we have always looked for each other when either of U/us was going through a bad time.

W/we never initiated a full time relationship because of the distance. He is a business man and that is His life. i made it clear that i was needy and needed much attention, which He was unable to do. He is now usually on line daily to say hello. Which is all i ever needed.

Maybe this is one of those "can't see the forest for the trees" situations.

As i was chatting to a new friend yesterday, a bit about my past. In our chat, she pointed out that i was hanging onto something from my past. Something that involved one of my daughters. My daughter had let it go, yet i have not.

It is so hard to open up sometimes. I thank you for your trust.

A special thank you, my friend.

As i'm struggling with some thoughts at the moment, i wonder what keeps me here. Why do i need to find someone to share my heart and soul with. i will admit, it is getting easier to express my needs and wants. Previously i kept them very hidden and would only expose them when i was forced to. That it itself is a strength i'm gaining.

i have also learned how vulnerable and easily hurt i still am. It makes me wonder if i am yet ready for any kind of relationship. Especially one poly based, which takes so much more focus and strength. I'm focused but not feeling very strong at the moment.

I have some thinking to do.

Well, so many thoughts swirling around in my head. i met up with Sir this evening and discussed a further relationship with Him and His slave. i am to work on a contract to show Him on the weekend.

He takes control of me the way others have not. He just seems to have the confidence to do so. Little things so far, yet they are so important. Firmly holding my hair, hands firmly on my throat, constant touching because i said i need it. That comment caught me off guard, not sure why, it just did.

As i made it clear that discussing my feelings and making my wants and desires known if a challenge for me. He constanly asked me how and if i liked what W/we were doing So, whats not to like?  (my happy dance)
Umm, except for the watching me on the toilet part.

So much more to say, however; its not yet at the surface.

i feel good, positive yet i have so far to go. It takes me so long to get comfortable with someone and by that time my partner is ready to move on. So, on i go to begin my live as one of His slaves.

Today started out in a very negative way. i had to be at work for 7:15 am, as i'm leaving i realize i have locked my keys in my bedroom. i carry a spare in my purse, but it was gone. So i go ripping into my girls room and demand my spare key back. Ya right - "what key" they say in unison. By this time i'm already late. i call into work, let them know. i'm so pissed by this time. i realize now that i must take the door frame off so that i can use a knife to open the lock. My nice freshly painted door frame - shit. As i'm banging to loosen the frame, i hear something fall from inside my room. Then, i remember that i had a mirror hanging on the back of my door. Big on the word HAD. Ok, luckily i don't believe in the 7 years back luck thing. Anyway, found my keys and off to work.

Luckily my work day was busy but uneventful. Which was a very good thing.

Now i'm sitting here, reading blogs and relaxing.

i had an email when i came home for my potential new Sir. i was to call Him and set up a meeting for tomorrow. As i'm working all weekend. W/we will have to do it later in the week.
[:(]

Don't ya just love those phone calls when someone says hi, and you are stuck for an answer. LOL. Yep, that just about described me in O/our so brief phone call.

One last comment. Yes, i am chatty tonight.

In one of the blogs i read there was a comment about being able to love someone without trusting them. i found that a very odd comment. i honestly don't know if i could do that. i always felt that trust is the base for any relationship. Interesting.

Ok, i'm done.

As it has been made clear to me that i will be a slave, so i'm doing some reading. Honestly, reaching that level will be a challenge for me.

As i'm reading, being a slave is described as being spiritual in nature. i have found this whole journey to be spiritual. However; reading that discription gives me more of an idea of the depth that can be reached.

i do feel that i will be taking a turn in this road of my journey. Learning a depth within myself that i always knew was there, yet couldn't seem to reach it.

Maybe this is the feeling that i often describe as "standing in front of a closed door, and afraid i won't learn what i need to open it"

i'm impatiently waiting for the 21st, as that is the date i was given to respond to a few tasks.

This is different for me as i am not  usually so patient. i have His phone number and could call, but again i'm working on the "patience" thing. 

i normally do not remain so relaxed, but i think in this case because i already know Him and his slave that i'm comfortable in knowing that they are real.

Now that i have had a chance to think about last Sat's play party, i can express them. i did not expect my potential new Sir, to take control as He did. As W/we did not discuss anything in detail. i'm pretty much a go with the flow person and then to learn as i go along. He prefers negotiations and contracts. So, this is a big difference for me. i think i like it, lol.

He certainly plays rougher then i am used to. then again there was no warm up - His way of showing me how important it is to negotiate. i tend to be too trusting and feeling the Dominant will start out gentle. i guess i have simply made good choices so far. Lucky me.

i have just sent Him the list of wants, needs and items for negotiations. As i have never done that before, his comments should be interesting.

i felt very cared for and special that evening. i so love sitting by His feet. Something i have always enjoyed, but simply never made that want known. i now feel that making my wants and needs known previously i seen as being selfish, so i tended not to express them. i just hoped that "He" would pick up on it somehow and if He did not then, oh well, i pushed them away.

How does one learn to express them without being or feeling selfish?

Before i can be accepted into Sir and His slaves family, i must complete a few tasks. He has asked for lists of my wants and needs and my negotations for a three month contract before i can be accepted as a slave trainee.

This is the first time i have had to do such a task. The more i think about needs vs wants the more i wonder if ones wants become needs. For example i need/want to be touched, assured and reminded that i'm a "good girl". That He is pleased with me. i feel it is a need, yet i want it as well. i may need to get clarafication on this.

As it is 4am, and i'm wide awake pondering this over, i will just start by throwing ideas down on paper and sort it out later.

This date in history reminds me of how vulnerable we are. I clearly remember being at work and having a co worker call in, she was crying as she told us what she was watching on tv. What a horrible feeling of dread, like not being able to wake up from a very bad dream. I remember watching the horrible videos over and over again. Each time I said to myself, this can't be happening.

But it did.

Though I am Canadian, I felt as if it hit home. My heart ached and still does for those that lived through that chaos, for those that lost their lives, for the famalies of lost loved ones and for the heroes that were there that risked and or lost their lives.

I truly am blessed.

I want to get into the youngest persons mind and discover why they cry so or why they are no angry and violent. I want to get into the mind of the woman that has let herself be brutalized for years and help her understand she does have control, she can be and is strong. I want to get into the mind of the young teen that has such low self esteem and shows it in anger and tell her - You have control. Believe it, feel it, breathe it.

i see so much suffering because of my work environment. It is so important to realize what we do have control over vs what we do not.
Once again, i'm reminded of the serenity prayer.

 All i ask is that we are honest with each other.

i haven't been this ill in a very long time. Started as a stratchey throat, bit of a cough. Ok so i'm getting a cold. i ended up leaving early from work on Sun. Called in sick for Monday. Since Monday was a holiday - i lost time and a half pay. Crap!!.

i work in a medical setting and the last place i wanted to hang out for 4 hours was at work in the emergency department. Not once but twice. Just try to find an after hours clinic open on a long holiday weekend. So the first time was to get diagnosed and get some meds. The second time was because my throat was so swollen that i couldn't breath. Talk about freaky.

Thankfully i was given something for the swelling. There really is not much they can do for the infection itself. They are calling it pharngitis. Its like having the worst sore throat you can imagine. My life has been sleep, wake up for meds and water, sleep, wake up to check on my girls, sleep...you get the picture. At lest school is back. The girls are rather impressed that i can't talk. i'm as bitchy as hell!!!!

Oh yes, there was also the chest xray with the nipple rings in. lol. i did try to get them out while i was waiting. But i really didn't care. i mentioned to the xray tech that i couldn't get them out. She didn't flinch a bit, lol. (i do hope she dosen't recognize me when i'm back to work)i did notice that the Dr seemed much more nuturing when i spoke to him later. lol

i don't understand why i feel lonely and empty right now. There was no love. Maybe i crave the control more then i realize. It was nice to have the contact we did. i miss it. i just wish he had been true.

As long as i live, i will never understand how someone in all conscious, use people to their advantage. Yes, i'm naive, and i kind of like it.

He did seem to understand me. Then i guess he has been doing this a long time, so he knows how to spot the needy ones.

It wasn't until a short while a go, as i was venting to a Dominant friend, that he commented that an on line Dominant knows how important the mind control is. BINGO.

I sent him another email telling him i know. Just move on and leave me alone.

I'm not sure why i want to cry. I didn't love him. I guess i wonder how someone can be so cruel.

Yes, another lesson learned.

The silent treatment.

That's what i'm getting now.

He calls it "Thinking Time".

Thats the problem.

i have had too much time to think.

So, i'm halfway upset about it, but mostly pissed!!!

only got me into trouble. i didn't realize when i told Him i had doubts we would ever meet, it was as if i doubted Him. He told me He didn't feel i was ready to meet until recently. Well, except now i have upset Him.

i have heard so many negative stories about LD relationships and how easily someone can be played. i have submitted to Him so much, more then he could ever realize. i desire to submit so much more, but my doubts keep creeping in. i don't know how to ease the doubts other then meeting in person.

i have doubts that i may not be as He has perceived. Its the self confidence thing again.

i didn't mean He may be playing me, i mean i may not be what He thinks.

i am very much a person that needs reassurance. If i have little or no contact with someone, i begin to doubt "us". i begin to feel a distance between "us".

It is a very uncomfortable feeling. i don't like it. i wonder if this is part of my trust issue, or is it a real concern. It is very real.

i was dealt with it not only in D/s relationships but in vanilla as well. However; in my past vanilla relationships i was the dominant one. Now that i don't have control, it worries me and constantly picks at my mind.

Maybe that is why i'm waundering again.

i'm not sure if this blog should be titled about last nights play party or about what i'm learning in general about play. As i normally do, i will just ramble on.

i attended a play party last night. It was the first time i have played since my break up of a few months ago. In my mind i have always connected the physical play to an emotional connection which in my mind "needed" to lead to sex. What has happend to me is that i have developed a "need" for the physical play.

This has been a very hard thought for me to  process. But i finally have and i have accepted it in a positive way.

i had a lovely play scene with a Domme at last nights play party. i met a few people that i only knew of by their nic's on line. It was awesome.

i am the kind of person that needs a pat on the head now and then telling me i'm a good person and i'm doing a good job. i had a number of those last night as well. A big thank you to the kind host who spent time with me and offered His services to me when i'm in need.

Oh yes, and a thank You to the kind Sir who seemed to think that i was interested in the size of penis's. LOL. i'm glad the lighting was dimmed so my red face did not glow.

As deeply as i have been hurt, i have also grown. i am so grateful that i had the courage enough to explore this avenue. i feel that i'm home and i have never felt that before.

big sigh with a smile

i'm not sure if this blog should be titled about last nights play party or about what i'm learning in general about play. As i normally do, i will just ramble on.

i attended a play party last night. It was the first time i have played since my break up of a few months ago. In my mind i have always connected the physical play to an emotional connection which in my mind "needed" to lead to sex. What has happend to me is that i have developed a "need" for the physical play.

This has been a very hard thought for me to  process. But i finally have and i have accepted it in a positive way.

i had a lovely play scene with a Domme at last nights play party. i met a few people that i only knew of by their nic's on line. It was awesome.

i am the kind of person that needs a pat on the head now and then telling me i'm a good person and i'm doing a good job. i had a number of those last night as well. A big thank you to the kind host who spent time with me and offered His services to me when i'm in need.

Oh yes, and a thank You to the kind Sir who seemed to think that i was interested in the size of penis's. LOL. i'm glad the lighting was dimmed so my red face did not glow.

As deeply as i have been hurt, i have also grown. i am so grateful that i had the courage enough to explore this avenue. i feel that i'm home and i have never felt that before.

big sigh with a smile

i have this nagging thought in my head. If i am talking to a potential new Dominant, at what point does He have the right to ask me to focus on only Him. What has happened to me a number of times is, i start talking to somone, it goes well. Sometimes even before we meet, i'm asked to focus on Him, do not play with anyone else. It has even gone as far as being asked not to attend any social functions as He dosen't want others seeing my semi nude body.

Each time i'm asked to obey these suggestions, i do. i have been told that no one has the right to ask such things of me. But, in my mind, it is still me that has the final decision. i look at it as a simple way to prove myself. It really is very simple isn't it.

One of the silliest things i have been asked was, "has he collared you". i say no. "So what right does He have to ask things of you then?". In my mind how will we learn of each other and prove ourselves to each other? We must start somewhere.

i don't think it is silly, and i do understand, but it sure riles some people up.

As i was talking to T on the phone earlier. He asked me if i was falling in love with Him. i was caught off guard, kind of stammered. And then asked Him why He would ask such a thing. We haven't even met in person yet. i sent Him this email trying to help Him understand me a bit more.

Hello Sir
 
i was only able to admit to an ex that i loved him after a number years of knowing him. i had to cry to do it. If anyone asks me what love is, i say i only understand love for my family.  How can what i feel for You be love. i have never felt Your touch nor kissed Your lips nor looked deep into Your eyes.
 
i dearly loved my first husband and that was 30 years ago. i trusted enough to fall in love with again only to feel he took it and crumbled it up like a scrap piece of paper and tossed me aside.
 
i don't take those words lightly Sir. i feel that You and i have a future but i'm very afraid of my emotions. When i crash i take so many with me.
 
Please Sir i beg You be careful with me.
 
your baby girl
xxoo

Yesterday was my youngest birthday. How quickly time moves. One of my fondest memories of her is, having her in bed beside me. As i'm dozing off and on,i happen to glance at her. All i can see in the dimly lit room are these two beautiful blue eyes staring at me. Eyes full of wonder and innocence.

Oh if only some moments could be relieved.

Happy birthday my love

(big happy sign)

As i'm reading a thread on tears, it brings some thoughts to my mind. Very few people have seen me cry during my adult life. i have always felt that my tears were a sign of weakness. Now, if i see some one else crying, i want to confort them.

i often think if i do cry, whether brought to them by play either because of pain, or a release of emotion, that it would bring me to a new place within myself. This is not an emotion i easily release.

In general i beieve i have shed more tears through this journey then in my whole adult life. It has bought so much enlightment as well as pain.

For me i feel that sheding tears infront of a Dom/partner would be a sign of submission for me

im sure i will have more thoughts on this as the day goes on and will update...

As i'm sitting here, trying to convince myself to get moving, i waas able to put some more thoughts into understandable english.

We always say that communication is so very important and i agree. One thing i have also realized is that eventho a couple may be compatible in many ways, they still may not communicate well.

i feel that if two people are both rather quiet and tend to keep their thoughs below the surface then many desires and ideas go unspoken. Now, if those same people are with somone that is able to spark conversation with just the right question or comments, then many desires will be spoken and realized. 

i have had relationships of both kinds. The one where we were both quiet, although we seemed so well connected in many ways. There were ideas that i thought i had communicated well and thought that he understand it the same way i did - i found out in the end we understaood many things differently. i also seen with this same person that somone else has been able to communicate more clearly and feels he is very expressive of his needs and desires.

The other relationship was always full of conversation and communicating. Eventho i was very quiet and had difficulty in vocaliing my thoughts, his questions, stories and comments always got me thinking - and of course conversing.

i have said these things to a few and i'm sure they thought i was a little off. Maybe i'm not wording it correctly. But for me, this has happened time and time again.

i know now if someone very quiet tries to converse with me, i assume it will not go far and do not put much effot into it. Possibly not fair, but it is how i see it.

Then again, there is such a thing as comfortable silence. i obviously mistook some of these silences as comfortable.

i hope this is understanable as when these thoughts come to the surface i must write them immediately and as i don't have time to correct anything right now - please forive errors