WeAimToPlease

I have returned!

I had the great fortune of meeting someone simply amazing on this site (he knows who he is) and through our conversations I learned so much about myself and about this lifestyle. It was during the course of our friendship that my life began to spiral out of control. I finally ended a very dangerous and damaging relationship, it had been out of control for awhile, something that was bittersweet. For even though I knew it had to be done (he publicly outed me about my taste for BDSM to everyone and my entire family) it did leave me sad, betrayed, and alone. I went into a very dark depression and withdrew from everyone and everything I knew. I tried, I really did, to keep in touch with those who cared, but I couldn't. Not even my closest friends of a decade or more could break through the shell I had put up to protect myself. I felt so lost, so abandoned. I lied to myself, to everyone else, I swore it was okay...but it wasn't. 

I not only was having to deal with the heartbreak of ending a long relationship, but the one man I thought I was truly connected to on every level was so close...yet so far. Having to accept that because of certain circumstances on his end that we couldn't be together, I had to stop talking to him as well. Sometimes I wonder, maybe if I had asked, told him how much I longed for him, tempted him to run away with me, maybe we would be together right now. I still have yet to find a connection like that, someone who gets me entirely. Maybe it was just the wrong time, fate will intervene, and I'll still end up with him...who knows?

In the mean time, I have attempted dating. I have been on three dates. One, I thought went well...that is until I realized that I was subconsciously searching for the real life version of my online lover. The first man I so much as kissed post break up could have been my lover's twin, in appearance in circumstance. His wife, who he had been with for ages, and was older, just so happened to be a professor at my college. We fooled around once, and it never went further. The similarities were honestly too eerie, but it was nice to imagine being with the man I had lusted after for so many months.

The next was the total opposite. I wanted to try someone outside of my comfort zone, someone I would never date. Stage right; hard working uber-Christian military man. He was nice enough and had good manners, but on the first date he told me all of my friends were going to hell and so was I. Needless to say, there was no second date.

The third was something special. I met a man who is quite possibly everything I could ever want...on paper. We have a great connection and an open communication about our sexuality, which by the way, seems to be totally in sync. He's educated, successful, handsome, and I genuinely like him. However, I am doubting he feels the same. I believe he has every intention of using me as his sex toy and then disposing of me...something I used to think I was up for, but now that I am growing, I've learned I don't just want the sex...I want the love, the relationship, the everything. I cannot give him myself unless he gives me his heart. A fair trade, don't you think?

So there you have it. A bitter ex crushed my life, I had to distance myself from a man I was falling for that I couldn't have, and now I am back to my journey of hopefully finding someone to make all of my dreams come true.

How can I have fallen so far and so fast for someone who I have never met?

I tried to distance myself, I tried to focus on other things, yet now that I am completely independent, I want to discover everything we've dreamed about.

Nothing is holding me back at this point, but I fear my lover does not feel the same. Oh life! What obstacles you throw in our way!

The more familiar I become with your face, with each individual feature, the more I long to graze my fingers down your jaw line, to feel the brush of your beard on my skin, and perhaps in other places as well.

So close to one another, yet so far. Perhaps if you knew I was at your beck and call. Perhaps.

This has been such a crazy busy week! My apologies to my CM friends that I have neglected or not gotten back to. xoxo

I find it amusing that even though I state my requirements on my profile, people who don't fit them keep messaging me. Thank you bulk folder.

I woke up this morning and had two $100 gift cards to Forever21 in my inbox, yet I still don't know who they are from. Reveal yourself! I am very, very thankful.

Missing my headless horseman this week, I haven't been able to write a proper novel in weeks.

On a light note, if I ever married my headless horseman, I would be Mrs. Schlong.

Best. Name. Ever.

Looking forward to shopping and sleeping this weekend.

I am very thankful to be back after the worst weekend of my life. My apologies to anyone I didn't let know the details of the situation. Slowly, but surely recovering. :)

Okay, hating CM right now for posting an audio entry without me telling it to!!! 

HATE YOU CM!
Un-finalized work is never good work!!!

Also hating the features of social networks. 

Please take away the ability to do the following:

-See when someone has read a message.

-See when someone was last online.
-See someone's friend's list.

All of these features were made purely to make people mad and wonder.

Stupid Tuesday, I'm not your biggest fan.

How To Distinguish Shining Armor From Tin Foil

Jealousy rears it's ugly head.

It's much like going through your spouse's e-mail, texts, or call logs.

You often find answers to questions you haven't even asked.

The question you HAVE to ask is, did you ever really want the answers?

In other news...

I have been craving all of the sweet touches that come with love first found.

The hand holding, brushing of hair behind the ear, the soft kisses.

The tension, the excitement, the passion.

Even making out.

When, oh when, will my Prince ever come?

I've pretty much figured out I will be trapped in this never ending round and round until someone saves me.

What's worse? Not having the strength, or knowing you'll never have it without the help of someone else?

As much as I want to be out of the situation...I don't want to be alone.

Pitiful?

A little bit.

My apologies to those who were affected by all of this last night.

I made the comment to my SO that I didn't want to work after marriage so that I would be able to stay home and keep house and raise my child(ren).

He blew up at me. Proceeded to tell me how I am lazy and lack ambition. Along with a lot of other random degrading things.

I then reminded him that he had me quit my job to be with him with the promise he would take care of my child and I. He blew up again claiming it wasn't his responsibility to take care of us.

In an effort to cool the situation and hopefully reach a resolution, I suggested he watch a show featuring a boyfriend (non-father) and a child together in an effort to learn how to behave with my child. This was met with more screams, him insisting I'm stupid, and then him telling me to find someone like that guy.

Advice taken.

For so long I have been in relationships. I haven't been on my own for quite some time. Maybe now is that time.

I know there are men out there who are on the same page as I am. Men who look for women that want to be home makers and Mothers. I only hope that I am able to find someone I care about who cares about me.

Part of me just thinks I'll die a lonely old spinster, reminiscing about adventures past and lovers lost.

Part of me thinks this is all deserved for crossing my fingers and hoping he would change.

The rest of me holds on to the utter belief and faith that there is a happily ever after.

I attempted to have sex...needless to say not having sex made for a very tight vagina.

I failed miserably.

I literally felt like I was being raped with a splintery bat.

Haha.

Today is hump day, so in honor of being festive, I'm trying again.

I have to train my baby vagina to take the biggest of cocks.

Wish me luck.

It's days like these I need to be given a bath and a massage.

Sometimes I take things way to personally.

I'm entirely too sensitive.

Luckily I had the weekend to throw my little fit and get over it.

Lovely weekend, full of fun.

:)

It has come to my attention that there are several people who are not pleased with my journal.

If you do not like what you read, do not read it. People who message me with negativity will be promptly blocked.

This is my journal, my platform, to express what I feel.

I specifically refrain from using names (whether from CM or r/l) to protect the feelings and privacy of those who are discussed.

To clarify for anyone who is confused: yes, I have a SO. Yes, I talk to other people on this site. No, that does not mean I am not willing to explore possibilities with other people.

Goodnight, and good luck.

The awkward moment when you didn't receive the answer you were expecting.

The awkward moment when you feel like you've done/said something wrong.

The awkward moment when you start to second guess yourself.

With one sentence I am de-railed.

For once I'm thankful for the weekend, a chance to clear my head, reevaluate.

...and I'm left feeling like a child who was just told there will be no dessert.

Those fingers in my hair

Hmm, tres interesting.

My SO (for those of you who don't know, I do have a boyfriend who has no idea I'm on CM) sent me a text saying "You're going to beg for it in your mouth" to which I replied "Haha." Then I get on Facebook and it says "Significant Other likes kink.com" Could it be that my SO is getting more into BDSM without my knowledge or does he somehow know that's what I want. Has he discovered my CM account?

The disappointing fact of the matter is, that even if he was willing to do whatever I like, it won't be possible. To submit to someone you have to have respect for them and ultimately believe they are superior to you. That just cannot be the case in my current relationship.

It probably doesn't help that I think I may have found someone who fulfills...no, who exceeds my wildest expectations.

To try for something in the flesh or wait for something that may just be a dream?

That, Mr. Shakespeare is the question.

Seeing green and red...but it's certainly not Christmas.

This is supposed to be my platform for complete honesty, so here goes.

I was recently introduced to the term "water sports." Now, I don't know if it's because I am so incredibly inexperienced, or because I'm blonde, but the first thing that came to mind was people fucking on water skis and jet skis. I wondered to myself how? Haha. Luckily, my ever so educational friend enlightened me on what it really means.

One word reactions? Shocked. Confused. I had never even heard of anything other than a "golden shower" and even then only in tales of R. Kelly and porta-potties in Dubai. To think there is a whole group of people who specifically enjoy these activities, it's just, well, shocking. I wonder if they feel the same way about BDSM people.

Although I am still extremely wary of any "water sports" I can see how it would be erotic or enjoyable...if you were absolutely 100% completely devoted and in love with someone...but then again, love is blind, we as compassionate sexual beings will do just about anything for someone we love.

I find it increasingly amusing how vanilla I seem to be sometimes.

Blushing like a school girl and grinning like a fool.

Happy Monday. :)

I could really use a smile on my face today...

It has been quite the tumultuous past few weeks.

Each day brings a renewed sense of strength or a new bout of sadness.

Even where I find happiness seems to be raising doubts.

Are some things too good to be true?

Until next time...

How is it that even in this alternate lifestyle I still find myself resorting to such vanilla ways?

I find myself so much more engrossed with a person's mind and desires than the actual thought of finally getting to fulfill my kink fantasies.

Is it too vanilla to be attracted to the person vs. the act?

What brought me to CM was the allure of finally getting to live out what I know I desire, but what I've found is so much more than that.

It has been quite the experience joining collarme just a few weeks ago. I knew I had to at least attempt to find someone with whom I could share a vanilla life AND a kink life. Even without a picture posted, I was bombarded with messages. Most of them neglected to read my profile...or thought they would be an exception. Some just sent me messages demanding that I submit to them. Out of all of those (and there were pages!) I managed to find a few friends to talk to. It has been so nice to be able to openly discuss kink without fear of judgement. Although 2/3 of my new friends are not in my area and I know I will probably never meet them, it's still refreshing to have like minded individuals to speak with. 

To people thinking about messaging me:

-I will not send you nude pictures.

-You will not receive my cell phone number.

-I do not want to cam with you.

If you can't understand the all of the complex layers of a dom/sub relationship we weren't meant for one another and  good luck on your journey. I am here to not only find a master, but someone to share my vanilla life with as well.